*Grrrrrr*....

Guilt if you do it wrong, fury if someone else does it wrong with your kids (DH).

It's a daily battle with the kids now. They adamantly do NOT want to go to DH's. I get tears, hysterics, screaming, hair pulling (their own, not mine) and I can't bloody agree with them! I mean, don't get me wrong... I understand why they don't want to go right now... and I understand why they don't want to go more frequently than they are currently going.... but I am the adult and I know that life is long and they still have the possibility of a long and rewarding relationship with their Dad as adults. And I also know that I can't make their Dad out to be the enemy.

You might be thinking what DH is thinking. That I'm bad mouthing him to the kids. Involving them in this in a negative way. Christ I wish I was in a way because it would be much easier for me. I had to tell them what he is asking for in the court orders because it affects them. I am fighting this for them, not for me. But I truly don't talk him down in front of them. I feel like I'm lying to my kids about all of this and that's making them even more upset because I've never lied to them before.

The amount of times I say (to myself or to my Mum) "If only DH could HEAR this conversation!". I spend all of my time reassuring them that, although I support them not wanting to live with him during the week, I will not support them not seeing him at all.

I have, of course, shed tears of frustration in front of them, for which I feel great guilt. We live in a small 2 bedroom apartment. I have nowhere to go to hide when it's all too much for me.

You probably think I'm crazy. And if I keep this up I think I will go crazy. But I just do not want to put them in the middle of this &*^&% legal battle. I do not want them to feel torn.

But of course they do anyway.

Toto came up with a great one yesterday. "Mum, you remember that man with the cigarette that smelled funny that we passed on the street on our first day in Glasgow?" Ummmm.. yes. "Well, Daddy's house smells like that a lot".

He's desperately trying to give me evidence to stop him having to go to his Dad's.

And then I find out that they're being farmed out again this weekend while they're meant to be with DH. He plays cricket with friends on Saturday so he's farming them out until Sunday night.

Why can't he just leave them with me?? This is why I'm so positive that he's only trying to get the kids in order to have no future child support obligations. Because when he has them, he sends them to friends' houses.

*Grrrrrrrrr*