Boys are with DH

.... and I really am finding this difficult.

I haven't divulged the latest drama, but the boys have been pretty traumatised and both are displaying horrific affects of anxiety and depression.  They're off to a psychologist on Monday..... one who specialises in family counselling related to divorce and separation.... and I can only hope that we get some sage and practical advice.

H has had months of cognitive behavioural therapy, and yet he still pulls his hair out (literally... an affliction called trichotillomania) and suffers severe "worries" at night which prevent him sleeping.

F begs me (literally) to keep him from having to stay with DH, and expresses his anxiety with tantrums and solitary visits to his wardrobe.  

This all scares the crap out of me.  I am overwhelmed with hopelessness.  And frustration and anger.

For a brief history of DH and his treatment of me, click here.

And for all of that, I have hoped and prayed that all of the wonderful things that I fell in love with in him would make him a great father.  I have blindly believed that he could separate his feelings towards me from his feelings towards his sons.

But events lately have made me think that he is not able to do that.  And that fills me with guilt and sadness.

Our upcoming trip overseas is more than a holiday.  It's an escape from the stressors that afflict us daily.  I'm hoping that my boys learn to relax, to believe in themselves and to experience unconditional love from respected (and respectful) adults.  I'm hoping that 6 weeks is long enough to repair some of the sadness that lives deep in their souls.

And if it's not, I'm hoping that it's enough time to give me the strength to do whatever it is that I will have to do to protect my children.

Causing pain

Still on the subject of friendship....

I recently referred to the fact that I withdraw from my life and my friends when I'm depressed (here).  What I didn't consider was the fact that because I can't/don't articulate that (irl), there is a real danger of some of those friends feeling neglected and abandoned without reason.

One of them called me on that this morning.  An act that required courage and love.  

She didn't understand why I stopped returning phone calls and didn't initiate any contact with her.  Without an explanation (or a known cause) she put it down to me being thoughtless and hurtful.  I can understand that completely.

It was a wake-up call for me.  I was devastated to learn that I had inflicted pain on a person whom I care about.  I was actually shocked to realise that I have been in such a "hole" that I didn't consider that losing contact with me would be considered a loss at all.  I was not surprised to realise that I was not connecting cause and effect..... just saddened.

So..... to you, dear J, and to other friends on whom I'm inflicting neglect..... my deepest apologies. It's hard for me right now.  Not an excuse.... but a reason.

I'm doing the best that I can.

The Story of a Friendship

Gillian and Fe in Scotland

Fe and Gillian in Sydney

19 years ago, in San Francisco, there was an earthquake.  It was a BIG earthquake and it caused major damage to the city and it's surrounds.  The occupants of the city were concerned with the welfare of their loved ones, and with protecting their possessions.  There was no water, no electricity and no phone lines for a few days and panic was everywhere.

In a little hostel in SoMa were a bunch of travelling misfits.  Misfits because they were all travelling by themselves, in different directions, for different reasons.  They didn't "fit in" with the usual backpacking traveller of the '80's.  Most of them felt that they didn't "fit in" anywhere. 

An Australian girl was given a bed in a room which was already occupied by a Scottish girl.  

When the Aussie walked in (dramatically closing the door behind her and bemoaning the fact that she couldn't shake the gorgeous Swedish boy who'd given her a lift from Los Angeles to San Francisco) the Scot was quietly lying on a bottom bunk reading "The Shell Seekers" by Rosamunde Pilcher.  And both lives were changed forever.

The craziness of the city at that time meant that the misfit travellers were thrown together in an intimacy of forced drama and emotional turmoil.  Strong relationships developed.  9 years later, my first born child was offered up as fairy-godson to the Scot and to "big H" (whom he was also named after).  Both my sons have an "extra fairy-godmother" whom I met when she was also given a bed in the room shared by the Scot and me.

The "extra" godmother Joey, and Parisienne Fabienne (we were in Beijing together in January)

My divine Danish friend and her family (living in Lisbon)

Big H with little H and F

And in 3 weeks the boys and I will be in Scotland.  With our lovely Gillian.  And we'll visit "Big H" in England.  And then will be in Paris with Fabienne (who replaced me in my group of friends when I left San Francisco).  

And then we'll be in Lisbon with my Danish friend whom I have known for 24 years.  And then in Holland with my newest dear dear friend, Wikke.

And Gillian has gifted us the tickets for H and F.

Unbelievable.

and there was I complaining about broken chairs and cars.  sheesh.

Ugly crochet

These have to be two of the ugliest things that I have ever created (not counting the green birthday cake I made for F's 4th birthday).

The boys, however, love them. Hmmm.

Growing Up

From this:

To this:


And from this:

To this:
in a few short years.

Sheesh.

The Circle of Life

We refer to it in general terms (well, I do) and I know that I LIKE to believe that "what goes around, comes around", but the truth is, it often feels as though the karmic cycle of life is broken when it comes to me.

And then I get little prodding reminders that it is all working as it should, and that sometimes I need to be patient and to let the universe set the timing.

I'm getting quite a few of those prods right now. They're about the rich and valuable friendships that I have. And it is a credit to me that I am chosen by these friends and am able to develop and maintain these friendships.

Wikke left. And the Universe is letting me know that I am not "without". I am amply loved, and (if I allow it), supported.

Best and Worst (again!)

My best..... Spending time today with TWO good friends....

My worst..... That I'm still not asleep.

Your turn (can be for tomorrow...)

A good reminder

Tonight I had a visit from a good friend.  This friend (Amanda) and I met in 4th class (1975) and re-met 8 years ago by wild co-incidence.

She reminded me of all that I can be.  All that I really am, underneath this sink-hole called depression.  She did this by simply wanting to be with me.

I make her work hard.  As with so many other dear friends, I don't return phone calls, and NEVER initiate contact.  I hide in my cave and hope/dread being found.  It's not always quite as bad as it is now, but there's always a degree of this happening with me.

She's someone I admire greatly.  She's someone that knows me in the historical sense.  And somehow I needed that combination tonight.

Thank you Amanda.

Teachers' Strike

Today was a state-wide Teachers' Strike. This is the clearest indication of the reasons why, that I could find on the web:


Federation president Maree O'Halloran said the NSW Government was the first state government in 15 years to be unwilling to negotiate staffing agreements.

"Be they coalition governments or Labor governments, we have always been able to sit down and come to agreement about a balance that gives you some local choice, but protects communities in the hard-to-staff areas," she said.

"This is the first time we have had a minister simply refuse to listen to the experience of teachers."

Ms O'Halloran said the Government had already acknowledged that if it abandoned the staff transfer system some schools would receive hundreds of applicants for teaching jobs while others would end up with "few applicants and larger class sizes".

The current staff transfer system gives priority in appointments to teachers who have accumulated points for years of service in remote areas or other regions where it is difficult to attract staff.

The Government wants principals to have the power to directly employ staff, and not necessarily take them from the transfer list.

"The teachers will be going ahead with industrial action on Thursday unless the Minister is prepared to negotiate so that communities in NSW are safe and are able to attract and retain teachers," Ms O'Halloran said.

Having quite a few friends who are teachers, and knowing how overworked and underappreciated they are, I applaud their action.  This seems to me to be just another way to disadvantage one of the most important sectors of our society.  And to disadvantage already disadvantaged pupils in isolated school districts.

Shame on you, our new Labor government.  I find myself continually disappointed with you these days, and I was SO optimistic when you were elected.

The Chair Disaster

I think I mentioned already that one of my treasured Eames dining chairs broke recently.  Well, apparently they won't "allow" you to fix them in Australia these days.... in case it de-values the original chairs...... and now I'm supposed to send it to America to be fixed!!!

Are you kidding me?

So.... (and I'll deny this if I'm ever selling them to you)..... we're buying the glue ourselves ($250 a tube ...... 2 tubes needed) and DYI'ing.

Unbelievable.  Makes me glad I don't have many other valuable things.  They cost too much to maintain.

That's my boy!!

H is in his last year of Primary School, and although our local High School is very highly regarded, he has had his heart set on going to a Catholic Cathedral College in the heart of the city.  DH's sister teaches there, and she has been telling me for years that she thinks that H would be extremely happy there.  He's an extremely sensitive and anxious child, and has suffered the tougher kids' taunts for years at school.  He's also the kind of kid who befriends younger kids and less popular kids JUST because he sees that they're lonely.  He'll stand up for perceived social injustices and will "tell tales" when he sees bullying in the playground.  He's just never going to be comfortable in a large and bullying environment.



Although the Catholic school has a wonderful reputation, I haven't been too sure about it for a couple of major reasons.

1. You really have to be Catholic to go there.  Or at least of some recognisable faith.  H isn't even christened.

2. It's an incredibly popular school and has a reputation for being terribly difficult to get into it.  Even MORE so if ...... see # 1.

3. It costs money.  And I certainly can't afford it.... not just fees but expensive uniforms and equipment, extracurricular activities etc...

Entry is by interview only.  Our interview was today.

My shy and anxious son SHONE.  Without prompting and without obvious nerves (even though this was REALLY important to him) he answered questions clearly and sensibly.  He expanded on his answers and he focussed on being honest rather than trying to impress.

And at the end of the interview, the Headmaster explained to him that he has to interview all of the Catholic applicants first, and then, if there are any spaces left over, he would consider the non-Catholic applicants.  He then told H that he was SO impressed with him, that he was just the kind of boy that he likes to have at the school (and listed qualities that were accurate and insightful), that he would therefore be sending me a letter in the next couple of weeks offering H a place at the school!

I had tears in my eyes.  I just feel that H would be lost in the local High School... and that this nurturing little college will be a place for him to "find his feet".  And I was SO impressed with the Headmaster.  He really interviewed well, and it was his skills that enabled H to be so open and articulate.

Things might be looking up.

Oh, and DH will HAVE to pay the fees.... his sister's reputation will be on the line!! 

My boys

F and H
Originally uploaded by Fe

Concentrating on all that's good in my world.

Another change.....

I've decided to change my blog host from my .mac account to blogspot. This is partly because a lot of people tell me that they have trouble posting comments on the .mac site, and partly because I want to protect my data.

The .mac site keeps the vital blog editing file on my computer.... which is subject to damage (as I miserably learned earlier this year). THIS way, I can access my blog from anywhere, and my data should be safely off-site.

I just have to learn how to use this site properly. HELP!