That was a long time between posts....

It's been an incredibly stressful week with all of the legal stuff.

The Family Dispute Resolution conference was supposed to have been last Friday... a mandatory "final" effort at agreeing on court orders with DH before the judge gets to decide.

It was supposed to have been the three lawyers representing the boys, DH and me.

But the boys' lawyer was sick and had not met them. And she wouldn't be meeting them before the hearing.

This was a REALLY bad thing, as the biggest thing that my argument has going for it is that the boys' do NOT want to change the current living arrangements, and the boys' lawyer is supposed to present the Family Court Counsellor's report stating that it would be detrimental to the boys if the current arrangements were changed.

But the Resolution conference date was not being changed DESPITE the boys' lawyer not having met the boys. And it was still going to go ahead even if she didn't appear.

This was insane. My lawyer had not been given the Counsellor's report and therefore we could not present any information from it.

And.... if it looked as though I was being the difficult one in terms of deferring the Resolution conference date and therefore seen to be the one not willing to come to an agreement, I could be forced to pay DH's costs as well as mine. ALL of them... not just for this hearing.

So... I made a HUGE fuss with my lawyer and mentioned taking this to the Federal Court if we went ahead with this with the boys' lawyer having not even met with her clients. I was speaking through my .. umm... BUM because I have no idea if I can even do that!

He madly rang all involved, and it turned out that the Court Counsellor had not even prepared a report as she had not been told of the hearing date.

That was it.

Six or seven emails later, the hearing was postponed. By the children's lawyer.

My heart was in my chest all day.

But then the BEST THING HAPPENED!

My lawyer had applied for a check on the Property Index Register. Something that the Child Support Agency had told me that they had done years ago.

And DH owns a property.

With his sister. But it's an asset that he has not mentioned in any of his financial statements to the court or to the child support agency. He also has not reported any income from tenants. It is an asset which can be held against a debt.

Whether it WILL be is another thing altogether. But as long as the debt does not get removed with the application that he is currently lodging, I can put a caveat on the title of the property to ensure that he can never sell it without a court case involving repaying me the money. The outcome of that court case would be the only way to lift the caveat and allow the sale. I can imagine that his sister may need the money at some stage in her lifetime and therefore the sale will be inevitable.

The lying scum bag finally got found out.

I then rang the Child Support Agency to report this latest piece of information, and they told me that our case is now, after SIX bloody years(!!!!)... escalated to the "Intensive Debt Collection" cell. This is where they can run the "level 2 searches" like property searches and Oztrek searches (looking for money going in and out of the country from/to him).

Apparently his need for privacy protected him from having any of those searches run on him before.

I am furious that they have not escalated us to this "cell" before! How big does the debt have to get for that to happen?! How many months/years does he get to NOT pay before that happens?

Still.... the fact that I have found this asset of his has lightened my spirit unbelievably. It's the first good news I've had in a long time.

And, even though I knew he was a lying piece of shit, it gives me even greater satisfaction to have it so blatantly displayed for all the world (and all the judges) to see.

My Kafka-esque world...

*Sigh*

Well.... the Child Support Agency Change of Assessment decision was handed down last week. It was decided slightly in my favour. That is, the amount of Child Support was increased. But by such a minimal amount that I feel wronged by the process anyway.

Then the system kicked in.

The amount doesn't matter. They still "can't" force him to pay it. The debt will grow, BUT.... it can be removed by a judge.

And, according to the opinion of my Child Support Agency rep, it is likely to happen, with a debt of this size.

See.... apparently in this country the onus is on the payee parent to ensure that her children survive (obviously thriving doesn't matter) without the paying parent's support. And if she/he does, the judge says "You survived without receiving the child support and therefore you don't need it now" and removes the debt. Never mind quality of life. Never mind the severely reduced circumstances and opportunities of the mother and the increased wealth of the father.

And therefore the paying parent gets away scot-free.

And because DH's debt, through the Child Support Agency, is over $100,000 (which is not a huge amount over 10 years), and because my children and I aren't living on the streets, I've obviously managed without it.

It's insane.

Kafka couldn't have made this up.

Gratitude... the dark side...

Kim has started a gratitude journal. I'm so jealous! It's a great idea and I NEED to do that right now to focus on all that's good in my life.

But first... I have a few entries for the RESENTMENT journal that I have to get off my chest.

1. I'm so bloody resentful of the fact that you sever all contact between me and my boys when you have them. Excuses like "I don't listen to voice messages" "You should have left a text" "I didn't get your text" "I wanted a few days without checking my phone" "I don't answer Private Numbers" just don't wash. You're a bastard for a million and one things, but this one is just unnecessary and cruel to THEM as well as me.

2. Your inconsideration and selfishness flashes in FLURO when you send me an email telling me.... yes TELLING ME... when you'll be having the kids, and then a text TELLING ME you'll be dropping them off two days earlier. Only you don't mention the fact that it's two days earlier... you just say Tuesday instead of Thursday. You do this a lot.

3. It drives me insane that you lie. All the time. And although this should make it easier for me to prove to a Child Support Agency representative, or a Family Court Magistrate that you are a lying piece of trash... it doesn't. Most people, in my opinion, like to believe other people. And you present well. You have perfected the "poor neglected father who would have loved to have been with his children growing up except that his ex-wife was such a horrible monster (she was hospitalised with post natal depression nudge wink) who made his life SO incredibly nightmarishly ghoulishly unhappy that he HAD to leave pregnant her and his child after 9 whole months of parenthood because that was in the best interests of the children and who has been giving every penny that he has earned in the last 10 years to provide for his children... and who only went on overseas holidays 10 or 12 times during this period to cope with the stress of dealing with such an awful ex-wife... and who is the only self-employed plumber in Sydney who employs 4 or 5 people who pays himself minimal income and is not hiding money in order to avoid paying child support" story. Which means that it's down to me to re-live the whole saga every time I have to prove that you're lying.

4. I resent the *%^$ out of the fact that you have kept this up for 11 years as of yesterday. You have treated me as though I have wronged you in some way. This is because I would not take you back all those times that you asked me to over the first few years. You blame me for "depriving" you of your family. You cannot see beyond that. You cannot see that once you had walked out on me during the most incredibly difficult period of my life, sustained that absence, told me that you had involved yourself romantically with others while you were still with me and treated me as a doormat.... I had a choice. If I took you back, I would have had my eyes wide open. I would have had to have believed that I deserved to be treated that way. I didn't. And I don't. But you found another way to keep me "down". And you have sustained it.

5. I resent (abhor, detest, loath) the fact that you treat our children as pawns in this battle of yours. That you didn't take advantage of the fact that I have never EVER denied you access to our children and that you were so obsessed with your own selfish wants and needs that you haven't thought of THEIR wants and needs. They needed a role-model for their future roles as husband and father and all they got was you. They wanted a father who would love them unconditionally and treat their mother with respect and all they got was you. And now that they're entering their vulnerable teenage years, you "want" to have them live with you half of the time and you "want" to have legal rights over them. You have no concern for what they need. They need consistency. They need to know what kind of parenting they will be receiving. They need to stay with the parent who has put in the hard yards of love and discipline and parenting. They need to maintain the status quo. And you can't see that their decision on this is based upon your past behaviour. You think that they are being manipulated by me. That's because you don't know what it is to put someone elses needs above your own.

I could go on. But I'm shaking and tearful and emotional and want to get you out of my head.

*shake head*

My lawyer is back from his holidays this week. I have two appointments with him to finalise our stuff for the court date. I also have an appointment with my accountant to see if there's anything else I need to do for the 4 years of tax returns that I have to lodge by February. I also have an appointment with the Child Support Agency regarding my Change of Assessment Application.

And then my boys and I have 10 days on a beach on the South Coast of NSW.

And then we come back to face Family Court, new school years (and a new school for Toto) and whatever else life throws our way.

I am exhausted. Understandably. I have been working 12+ hours a day on legal and tax and Child Support stuff. This is a full time job right now.

So... things I am grateful for....

1. My healthy, loving and beautiful boys (if you don't count the end stages of whooping cough!).

2. My parents.

3. My friends.

4. I want to say my health, but I have neglected it lately and need to get it back. So, my ability to be healthy.

5. That, even though I can't afford it, I continue to re-book our annual beach holiday. If I didn't have that to look forward to, I would be too overwhelmed to pull myself out of this mire.

I will work on more things to be grateful for. I promise.

Boo's worse...

This is an horrendous illness.

We're getting no sleep... the coughing until he vomits is worse at night, although it continues through the days as well. Days when I'm desperately trying to do :

a) the legal docs
b) a Child Support change of assessment response
c) 6 years of tax returns

And there's nothing I can do to comfort him. Well, other than the Vapor rub, the humidifier, the cough medicine, the sympathy.

It's heartbreaking.

And he's missing ALL of the end of year school activities. Not fair.

Toto has his very last day of primary school tomorrow. We had the formal Year 6 Farewell dinner on Wednesday night and (of course) I was teary and emotional.

Hope my tears don't embarrass him too much tomorrow. I'm too exhausted to hold them in.

Project SPOS update...

I'm over the hump. I'm still exhausted and overwhelmed, but I'm not wanting to crawl into a hole and give up.

Today was spent preparing my Affidavit in response to DH's. It's a HUGE task (made even huger without the diaries.. grrrr..) but my friend J helped me find a starting point and stuck around to help me clarify my thoughts and clearly articulate the truth as I know it.

I've just finished the 12 page Affidavit and am now about to start on the Response to his Application for Final Orders.

I'm seeing a lawyer on Wednesday (not sure if he's the right one for me, but if not I've still got time to see some other ones) and want to be uber-prepared. I simply do not have the funds to pay someone hundreds of bucks an hour to do the grunt work.

*sigh*

My getting over that initial melt down was hugely caused by your support. The kindness of strangers (all friends now) and friends has given light where there was none. If I'd done this without you, I would still be stuck. I'd still be "I can't talk about it"-ing and unable to accept support and kindness. You've helped me see that, tough as this will be, I'm truly not on my own.

Toto is still ill and at home. "She" is still in hospital and wondering why I'm not visiting her. The stars are still out of alignment for us, but now I know that they will find their way back to normal... eventually.

So, short and sweet for tonight... but filled with love and sincerity. And my heart-felt thanks.

When I was a little girl...

I wanted to be happy. I didn’t want to be a doctor, lawyer, nurse, mummy or anything specific. Just happy.

When I was in my early twenties...

I wanted to NOT have my own children and therefore add to the over-population of the world. I wanted to focus on my career, continue to spend my life living in countries other than Australia, contribute to help make the world a better place, find a kind and funny partner to love and then possibly adopt an unwanted child from a third-world country.

When I was in my late twenties....

I wanted to make my marriage the best marriage that had ever existed. I wanted to have babies and continue contributing my skills to those less fortunate than me. I felt blessed and almost guilty for being so happy.

When I was in my early thirties....

I desperately wanted to fall pregnant. I suffered miscarriage after miscarriage and felt that I had failed at the one thing that I was supposed to be able to do easily.

I wanted to fulfill my husband’s greatest wish as well. He SO wanted to be a father, and my failure to do that easily (yes, medical tests proved that it was all my fault, not his) became a fissure in our relationship.

When I was in my early to mid-thirties....

I wanted to die. I had failed at everything. I failed at being a wife. I was a hopeless mother. I was unable to work. I was convinced that I had had my run of happiness early on, and had nothing but sadness and difficulty in my future. And then...

I thought I was going to die. My cancer diagnosis threw me into a dread that I would leave my boys when they were too young to remember me at all. I wanted to shake their father into changing his priorities and becoming more involved in his sons’ lives. I wanted to live.

When I was in my late thirties....

I wanted my boys to know happiness. And I created a world for them which I hoped would allow them to develop self-esteem and confidence and a knowledge that they are loved. But I was very sad.

Now I am in my early forties.....

I want to be happy. Truly, deeply content. Without concern for the actions of their father. Without a stinging sense of injustice for the experiences I have had with him, with family court, with child support. Without a partner. Without depending on having financial security, but hopefully with a career that can support us without ongoing financial stress..

I want my boys to know that they are enough.

And........ *bang*...

Dear DH,

Thank you for your email telling me that you are going to proceed with legal action against me.

Upon first reading of your email, it would appear that the only monies you owe to me are for Spousal Maintenance. This is incorrect. You have unpaid Child Support owing as well.

I am going to address each issue that you have presented to me.

DH: “As you are aware I had recently begun taking the steps towards achieving a parenting plan for "Toto" and "Boo" through the mediation process. You are also aware that our case does not fit the criteria so I have received the relevant certificate and have passed it on to my solicitor with a view to begin proceedings in family court to return my overnight contact with the boys back to the previous arrangements. I am also making application to share residency from start of first term next year.”

Our case was deemed not to fit the Family Mediation Centres’ criteria for mediation because of the nature of the entire situation. As you are aware, our Case Officer was so shocked by some of the things that you have done to the boys that he thought it necessary to involve the Department of Community Services. The Case Officer was also aware of the fact that you have ignored Family Court Orders (still current) since 6 August 1998, and therefore made an assessment of your inability to comply with agreements.

I am not going to list all of the reasons why the boys refuse to spend school nights at your house. I will, however, state again that they are completely unwilling to do so. I have asked them frequently about it, and they have not changed their minds.

After receiving todays’ email, I asked them if they would be willing to resume school day overnights (you have them for 2 overnights every fortnight, one evening during the week, and had them for 7 nights during the last school holidays) and they said no. I told them that you were now asking for shared parenting from the beginning of next year, and asked them if they would like to spend every second week at your house. They became very upset and said no. I explained that if I was to go to court to prevent that from happening, they would have to tell that to lawyers, a registrar, and you. They said that they were willing to do that.

"Toto" became particularly upset at the idea of having to tell you that he did not want to stay at your house. He said that when you picked them up you were either very angry or very happy and that you scare him. As you well know, "Toto" suffers from clinically diagnosed anxiety, and this is not a good situation for him.

DH: “While you have said that you view my actions as aggressive I can assure you that could not be further from the case. The boys are now of an age where my role as a father cannot take a back seat.”

Your role as a father is based solely upon doing it only when it suits you, and not about being a truly nurturing parent to our sons. You have displayed your unwillingness to consider the boys’ feelings, and my situation, by leaving the country without forewarning on at least 3 occasions. You have left them alone at your house while you worked on many occasions. You have refused to have an x-ray of "Boo"’s arm when he was complaining to you of pain (a later x-ray organised by me showed a fracture). You have pulled their hair, pulled their ears, flicked their faces, left them in a back alley in Darlinghurst by themselves at night and these are only the examples that spring to mind instantly.

I have never denied you a role as father to our sons. When they were babies, you refused to take them. I went to great lengths to provide you with car seats, portable cots, high chairs, nappies and clothing in order to facilitate your continued involvement in their lives. I have never denied you access to the boys, despite your years of lying and verbal and financial abuse. I have, however, denied overnight visits at times because the boys refused to stay with you. During those times however, I have never denied you daytime access.

DH: “While our current arrangements and constant disagreements over the spousal maintenance orders seem to influence my access to these boys I have no option but to seek the courts advice on this.”

We have no constant disagreements over the spousal maintenance. You have refused to discuss it with me, and I have not been able to do anything about it. As it is a considerable amount of money, I have rightly asked you about it over the last 10 years. I have also asked you to pay your Child Support. You have lied to me about it for years and you continue to lie to me, and to the Child Support Agency. You are currently on an income assessment of $0.

These discussions, as stated above, have NEVER affected your access to the boys. Your own behavior towards them has done that.

DH: “I will also be seeking to discharge the spousal maintenance orders and arrears owed to the CSA.”

And why do you think that this is fair? You left me 2 months pregnant with our younger son when our older son was a 9 month old baby. I had no way of supporting myself, or them, and you took me to court and signed a court order stating that you would pay spousal maintenance and child support. You have paid no spousal maintenance, and you have paid minimal and inconsistent and unbelievably small amounts of child support over the past 10 years. I have lived on the assets that I had at the time of our marriage. They are all gone now, and my parents support us.

I do not understand how you can leave your wife in such a situation and expect to simply not support her, or your children, at all. To not support her while she is giving birth to your children and raising them on her own in very difficult circumstances. I can only hope that a Family Court Registrar shares my disbelief at your attempt to get away with this.

DH: “It is a shame that we could not resolve this any other way.”

You have never tried to resolve this in any way. You have never approached me with a financial offer. You have never replied to my emails explaining WHY the boys would not stay overnight at your place. You have simply never tried to resolve this. At all.

DH: “My solicitor will forward a letter to you this week some time.”

I’m glad that you can afford a solicitor. It is interesting to me that you will not pay me any of the child support or spousal maintenance debt, and yet you are willing to spend what will probably amount to tens of thousands of dollars on legal fees in order to expel that debt.

DH: “I hope you understand that with no other way to resolve our differences I am left with no other choice but to proceed this way.”

No I don’t. That sentence is simply untrue. You could put the boys’ interests before your own and allow them time to feel safe with you again. And I don’t understand how a man can call himself a father and not think that that includes a financial responsibility. You can afford long and extravagant and frequent overseas holidays, and yet you don’t pay your child support or spousal maintenance obligations.

DH: “My wish is to resolve things as fairly as possible.”

Fairly? Which part of this is fair to me or to the boys?

DH: “I would also hope that during these proceedings that our currant arrangements are not affected, in fact I hope that the previous overnight stays resume as soon as possible.”

I have asked the boys if they are willing to change the current situation and they have said no. Their needs come before yours and mine.

Sincerely yours

They've even taken away her iPod...

My friend is in danger. It's all too much for her. Those of you who've had major depression will understand, and those of you who haven't probably won't.

It's so difficult for those of us who have had depression to describe it to those of us who haven't. The amount of times people have (caringly) said things to me like "focus on the positive" and "think happy thoughts" and "What do YOU have to be depressed about?" is staggering. It's not a choice. Believe me, it's not a choice. Perhaps it's easier to think of having depression as the same as having a broken leg. You have as much ability to "will" yourself out of it as you do to "will" your broken bones to heal faster.

I feel so bloody helpless. I'm filling her room with blankets, cushions, room spray, books, music (I've lent her my iPod) in a desperate attempt to feel as though I'm "doing something". And then just holding her hand and talking to her while she's slipping further and further downhill.

This afternoon they took all of her "dangerous" things away (iPod earphones, shoe laces, knitting needles etc) and put her in the ICU. Her Dad is with her now, but I'll head back over after he's gone.

On a lighter note (my one and only attempt at humour on this dim day) I saw a Lawyer this morning in response to stuff that DH has initiated. It was long, ardous and ultimately depressing. Still, I have no choice in having to now go down this path. He couldn't help me with the Child Support f*ck-up though (see here and here and here). I'm still on my own for that one.

Crikey. Hope the rest of blogland is having a happier day.

Well, now it's official...

The Australian Child Support Agency has admitted that it has completely fu*ked up my case.  

And the Complaint Procedure has begun. 

This is all encompassing, exhausting stuff.  But I'm going to do it.

Potential return to insanity...

I don't know why that last post appeared twice.  I can't seem to delete one without deleting both (and comments) so we'll just have to live with it.

After hours and frustrating hours on the phone to the Australian Child Support Agency today.... fulfilling my legal obligation to inform them whenever DH leaves the country..... I have been given a thread of hope.  A tiny, dangly, sparkly little thread of hope.  The first one I've had since I opted in with the Agency 4 years ago.

Somebody there admitted that they'd f*cked up.  Well, the term they used was "mutual responsibility" but he and I knew exactly what he wished he could have said.

Oh wait.  He just rang back.  He's finding ways to make this impossible again.  He's still admitting co-responsibility for the fact that my case has been mis-handled, but he's taken away my hope for restoration of justice within the hallowed walls of that particular governmental department.

Dang.  It was bright in here for just a moment.

It was 10 years ago yesterday since DH and I had our day in Family Court.  TEN YEARS of him ignoring the orders, and of me trying to get them enforced.  TEN YEARS of him having unrestricted access to the kids while openly telling me that he is ignoring the court orders.  TEN YEARS of verbal abuse and criticism.

I feel that something inside me has snapped.  This kind of injustice can send people crazy.  I'm sure it was a HUGE impetus for my 3 month stay in a Post-Natal Depression ward of a psychiatric hospital 8 weeks after the birth of our second child.  And I'm determined not to let it get me there again.  Determined.  

The really really AWFUL side of being home...

DH (my ex husband.... for all newbies to my blog, it does NOT stand for Dear or Husband). (click here for more details)

Six lovely long wonderful weeks without his corrosive, cruel and disruptive influence on my little family.

He telephoned from the airport this morning. To let me know that he will be out of the country for 3 weeks.

The boys mentioned on Monday that he was going to Bali, and because it affects when the children stay with him (obviously) I rang him and left two telephone messages asking him if this was true, and if so, when would he be away. I even explained that I needed to know in order to organise things for the kids on the weekends. But no... in true form he did not return my phone calls. 

And this morning when he rang, I asked him why it took him 2 days to return my call and he laughed. "Because I didn't want to have this conversation with you". And I hung up.  So, rightly or wrongly, when he rang back and asked to speak to his kids, I said "If you want to speak to them, you have to have this conversation with me first".  And he hung up.

While I was away there was quite a lot of stuff in the media about the Child Support Agency stopping parents who owe lots of money at the airport on their way out of the country. DH owes me at least $200,000.00 in unpaid child support over the last 10 years (according to Family Court Orders that we have).  And he has recently inherited a considerable amount of money from his fathers' estate.  Think there's a connection?

And because there are never any consequences to his actions, he just continues to behave like this to me.  He's done this before.  In fact, he has left the country without even calling me from the airport and without letting me know that he wouldn't be picking the kids up from school.  Twice.

10 years of not paying Child Support and getting away with it (although, ironically, he has started to pay a small amount regularly since we've been away).  10 years of just not turning up to collect his kids (without letting me know) and getting away with it.

I have followed every avenue of legal and governmental redress open to me.  Apparently, the fact that he hides his income means that he wins.  All of the time.  He owes the Australian Taxation Department a lot of money as well (and even more if they knew his REAL income), and unless I can afford Forensic Accountants (I can't) I have to wait for them to decide to focus on his case.

And if I make his seeing the kids difficult, I would be in the wrong.  The impotence that I feel is so incredibly debilitating.

Finally...

The press are starting to acknowledge the horrendous effects of our (Australian) new Child Support system on the residential parents (mainly mothers).

"Parents Split As They Do The Sums" - Sydney Morning Herald 10 June 2008

In the meantime.....  in Britain......

"Protesters Force British Labour Deputy Leader Out Of Her Home" - Sydney Morning Herald 10 June 2008