So far....

So here I am in Bris-Vegas, although I won't have time to see anything more than airport, taxi, hotel, conference, taxi, airport.

I thought I'd give you a visual update of the trip so far.....

MELBOURNE

That was another FLYING visit, so I thought I'd snap a typical Melbourne tram ....


PERTH

I actually had two nights in Perth, which included an afternoon and an evening off. So I got to see a little more than in the other cities.

This is the view from my hotel room. The grass is being used as an air strip for the Red Bull Air Race which is on this weekend. I'm so annoyed that I'm missing out on that!


The event organiser and a speaker who had flown over from Sweden and I went walking in the rain.....










And then, the highlight.

Guera, Lani and I met up and had dinner at Freo (that's Fremantle for everyone not from Perth!)..


God I love this blogging thing. And the incredible women that I am fortunate enough to meet through this medium.

A NEW town!

It's been a LONG time since I've been to a new place.  (Eindhoven in Holland was new to me, but I'd been to all our other trip destinations before.)

But here I am in the wild wild West!!  In beautiful Perth!!  For the very first time!!

Honestly I feel like a kid....

But it was a long LONG day.  The job went really well..... and then it was 4 hours on a plane...... and I've just had a bubble bath, am about to order room service, and will sleep (I am too tired to write anything more than a travelogue tonight).

Lovely Lovely Melbourne....

My full-on week has started.  I flew down here this afternoon and had 5 minutes in my room before having to race off to dinner with the client.  

And the seminar begins at 8am tomorrow.

I made friends with oh-so-gay-Trevor the doorman of this posh hotel, and the darling man gave me a bottle of red wine as I was coming in after dinner.  Bodes well for a good week!

I wish I was going to be able to catch up with blogging friends around Australia this week, but my hectic schedule means I'll be lucky to find time for a decent sleep.

I'm the emcee.  Wish me luck.

Next stop, Perth.

My secret life....

I'm addicted to "The Bill". I have been for the 20 or so years that it has been on the telly. My parents are addicted to "The Bill" too, so I know it's not a cool thing. And, scarily, my boys beg to watch it whenever they get the chance.

When I'm in a sewing frenzy, I do it to taped episodes of "the Bill". It doesn't matter if I've seen the episodes before.

Can't believe I'm confessing this. Will I lose all street-cred?

The funny thing is, I don't like telly generally. I tape a lot of UK and Danish shows, but dislike all American and most Australian product (except "Four Corners" "Insight" "Enough Rope" "Australian Story" and "Dateline"). Sad, isn't it?

When I was younger, I had an eating disorder. That's long gone. Now I've got a "Bill" disorder.

Seriously.

Perhaps there's a support group out there for this kind of thing.

ED: I lied about disliking ALL American telly. I like "The Amazing Race" because it makes me feel better about the stress I feel when travelling internationaly. Oh and "House". I guess I relate to him. Even sadder.

Project SPOS (thank you Dina!)

Firstly, thank you SO much everyone who has commented on my last few posts. It's all very "full on" in my house/life/head at the moment... and every single word of encouragement and amazement is helping me keep up my spirit.

I'm sorry that I'm not good at commenting on anyone else's blogs right now. I'm just unable to formulate words. Truly. (I'm only able to do it now because I'm on my second glass of white wine).

She has basically completely disappeared. She is now completely overcome with the depression monster and is basically unrecognisable. It is ALL about how she is going to die, and begging me to help her, and furiously telling me that I'm not her friend if I don't. She BEGS me to stay with her as I'm the "only person who truly understands", but I'm sure that I'm the only person who she thinks understands enough to actually help her end it all.

All of the logical responses aren't working, and so I just hold her hand, hug her, tell her that it is the depression talking, tell her that I know that "she" would want me to be doing exactly what I'm doing and it's the "illness" that is furious with me.

As I was leaving today, the head nurse asked to speak to me. She told me that she has seen me become progressively more exhausted and harrassed looking. She told me that she had never seen a friend show so much devotion in this situation, but that if I don't cut back, she thinks that I will probably end up there as a patient myself. She told me that I needed to stop taking responsibility for "her" recovery, and to focus on looking after my own well-being.

Wow.

Sometimes it takes a third person.

I cried.

And then came home to a letter from DH's solicitor.

And spent 5 hours writing a reply, as I am going to be representing myself (unless any of you know of a pro-bono family law solicitor?)

My dear friend J was here, helping me get organised for the big job next week. (I am SO disorganised... and she is a god-send to me). She has years and years of experience writing legal documents and was incredibly helpful today. I basically wrote the bones and she turned it into a legitimate response.

And then I got everything ready for next weeks' job. I'll be in Melbourne, Perth, Brisbane and then Adelaide. Working, flying, dining with the client and sleeping (hopefully NOT with the client!). J helped me organise clothes and checked my preparedness. Thank you J.

The boys came home briefly to collect some stuff for the weekend at DH's. Toto was a mess. Crying and SO low. He just didn't want to go. I won't see them for a week now and he just can't stand it. Poor thing. I feel the same way. Boo just rolls with the punches, although demanded a hundred kisses upon goodbye.

So..... Project SPOS (Selfish Piece of Sh*t) begins. I am so grateful to Dina from The Girl Who Wished She Was Australian for that wonderful anacronism.

And I think I deserve a third glass of wine.

*clink*

And........ *bang*...

Dear DH,

Thank you for your email telling me that you are going to proceed with legal action against me.

Upon first reading of your email, it would appear that the only monies you owe to me are for Spousal Maintenance. This is incorrect. You have unpaid Child Support owing as well.

I am going to address each issue that you have presented to me.

DH: “As you are aware I had recently begun taking the steps towards achieving a parenting plan for "Toto" and "Boo" through the mediation process. You are also aware that our case does not fit the criteria so I have received the relevant certificate and have passed it on to my solicitor with a view to begin proceedings in family court to return my overnight contact with the boys back to the previous arrangements. I am also making application to share residency from start of first term next year.”

Our case was deemed not to fit the Family Mediation Centres’ criteria for mediation because of the nature of the entire situation. As you are aware, our Case Officer was so shocked by some of the things that you have done to the boys that he thought it necessary to involve the Department of Community Services. The Case Officer was also aware of the fact that you have ignored Family Court Orders (still current) since 6 August 1998, and therefore made an assessment of your inability to comply with agreements.

I am not going to list all of the reasons why the boys refuse to spend school nights at your house. I will, however, state again that they are completely unwilling to do so. I have asked them frequently about it, and they have not changed their minds.

After receiving todays’ email, I asked them if they would be willing to resume school day overnights (you have them for 2 overnights every fortnight, one evening during the week, and had them for 7 nights during the last school holidays) and they said no. I told them that you were now asking for shared parenting from the beginning of next year, and asked them if they would like to spend every second week at your house. They became very upset and said no. I explained that if I was to go to court to prevent that from happening, they would have to tell that to lawyers, a registrar, and you. They said that they were willing to do that.

"Toto" became particularly upset at the idea of having to tell you that he did not want to stay at your house. He said that when you picked them up you were either very angry or very happy and that you scare him. As you well know, "Toto" suffers from clinically diagnosed anxiety, and this is not a good situation for him.

DH: “While you have said that you view my actions as aggressive I can assure you that could not be further from the case. The boys are now of an age where my role as a father cannot take a back seat.”

Your role as a father is based solely upon doing it only when it suits you, and not about being a truly nurturing parent to our sons. You have displayed your unwillingness to consider the boys’ feelings, and my situation, by leaving the country without forewarning on at least 3 occasions. You have left them alone at your house while you worked on many occasions. You have refused to have an x-ray of "Boo"’s arm when he was complaining to you of pain (a later x-ray organised by me showed a fracture). You have pulled their hair, pulled their ears, flicked their faces, left them in a back alley in Darlinghurst by themselves at night and these are only the examples that spring to mind instantly.

I have never denied you a role as father to our sons. When they were babies, you refused to take them. I went to great lengths to provide you with car seats, portable cots, high chairs, nappies and clothing in order to facilitate your continued involvement in their lives. I have never denied you access to the boys, despite your years of lying and verbal and financial abuse. I have, however, denied overnight visits at times because the boys refused to stay with you. During those times however, I have never denied you daytime access.

DH: “While our current arrangements and constant disagreements over the spousal maintenance orders seem to influence my access to these boys I have no option but to seek the courts advice on this.”

We have no constant disagreements over the spousal maintenance. You have refused to discuss it with me, and I have not been able to do anything about it. As it is a considerable amount of money, I have rightly asked you about it over the last 10 years. I have also asked you to pay your Child Support. You have lied to me about it for years and you continue to lie to me, and to the Child Support Agency. You are currently on an income assessment of $0.

These discussions, as stated above, have NEVER affected your access to the boys. Your own behavior towards them has done that.

DH: “I will also be seeking to discharge the spousal maintenance orders and arrears owed to the CSA.”

And why do you think that this is fair? You left me 2 months pregnant with our younger son when our older son was a 9 month old baby. I had no way of supporting myself, or them, and you took me to court and signed a court order stating that you would pay spousal maintenance and child support. You have paid no spousal maintenance, and you have paid minimal and inconsistent and unbelievably small amounts of child support over the past 10 years. I have lived on the assets that I had at the time of our marriage. They are all gone now, and my parents support us.

I do not understand how you can leave your wife in such a situation and expect to simply not support her, or your children, at all. To not support her while she is giving birth to your children and raising them on her own in very difficult circumstances. I can only hope that a Family Court Registrar shares my disbelief at your attempt to get away with this.

DH: “It is a shame that we could not resolve this any other way.”

You have never tried to resolve this in any way. You have never approached me with a financial offer. You have never replied to my emails explaining WHY the boys would not stay overnight at your place. You have simply never tried to resolve this. At all.

DH: “My solicitor will forward a letter to you this week some time.”

I’m glad that you can afford a solicitor. It is interesting to me that you will not pay me any of the child support or spousal maintenance debt, and yet you are willing to spend what will probably amount to tens of thousands of dollars on legal fees in order to expel that debt.

DH: “I hope you understand that with no other way to resolve our differences I am left with no other choice but to proceed this way.”

No I don’t. That sentence is simply untrue. You could put the boys’ interests before your own and allow them time to feel safe with you again. And I don’t understand how a man can call himself a father and not think that that includes a financial responsibility. You can afford long and extravagant and frequent overseas holidays, and yet you don’t pay your child support or spousal maintenance obligations.

DH: “My wish is to resolve things as fairly as possible.”

Fairly? Which part of this is fair to me or to the boys?

DH: “I would also hope that during these proceedings that our currant arrangements are not affected, in fact I hope that the previous overnight stays resume as soon as possible.”

I have asked the boys if they are willing to change the current situation and they have said no. Their needs come before yours and mine.

Sincerely yours

A mix up...

They had NOT put her on suicide watch (which is called Category 5 and which involves removing dangerous items and checking on her every 15 minutes). They had decided that she simply wasn't allowed outside (Category 4) although nothing was physically stopping her from walking out of the building.

She telephoned me early this morning begging me to bring in enough sleeping pills to help her end her life. I went straight over (withOUT the pills, need I say) and discovered that she was completely vulnerable and totally unsafe. She told me that she had told the nurses that she was completely suicidal but that they were not taking her seriously.

So.... feeling a bit like Shirley MacLaine in "Terms of Endearment", I insisted upon seeing the doctor again.

Jesus Joseph and Mary. What about the poor people who don't have their own advocates? It is amazing to me that this can happen in that environment.

I spelled it out for him. I told him of our phone conversations. I told him about her request for the pills. I told him that she has AT LEAST three other methods worked out. He came and sat with her and asked her about how she was feeling. I sat in, and I'm sure it's only because she knew that she couldn't lie about it in front of me that she was honest with him.

And so she is now on Category 5. Which means that a nurse should talk to her every 15 minutes unless she is asleep. And for the next 2 hours, no nurse came to check on her.

Once more I channeled Shirley MacLaine and went to the Nurses Station. I was F U R I O U S. The head nurse blamed the "youth" of the other nurses. *&%&*

It's so unfair. I shouldn't have to feel as though she is unsafe when I am not there. She's in a bloody private psychiatric hospital for gods' sake!

Knowing that I was nearing my limit..... running out of reassuring words and faustian bargaining tools...... close to falling into a mess of tears.... I left when another friend arrived.

And now I'm trying to work. I've got a big gig next week, and I have a lot of preparation that I need to do for it. But it's hard to focus on the trivial when the non-trivial is still resounding in my ears.

I guess I have to apply the words that I say to her to myself also. "Not long now" "I KNOW you will recover from this" "You CAN do this" etc.

Life can be so wonderful...

It's been a tough week (month, couple of months).

I heard about two deaths this week. One was an ex-boyfriend who found his life too much for him to bear, and therefore ended it. Another was a young Mum with incurable cancer.

One took it. One had it taken from her.

And I also found out about another old friend, the father of four children, who has an inoperable and terminal brain tumour.

And of course, I'm living with the day to day reality of someone who is longing for death as a release.

So I guess it's normal that I'm thinking about death.

I've been through more than one period of depression where the idea of taking my own life was more delicious and freeing and desirable than living.

I've also been through my own journey with cancer. A journey that was not always one that I would win. And during that time, the idea of living was more delicious and freeing and desirable than not living.

And through both journeys, I made friends with many other patients who did not survive their illnesses.

I do not judge anyone who chooses to leave this world. I mourn the loss of anyone who dies from ANY illness. Mental illness and physical illness. They are both as dangerous as each other.

The survival of cancer and of depression is not dependent upon the ability of the patient to "fight" or to "think positively" or to "not give in". In an ideal world, we all "think positively", and I believe that the only people who aren't able to do that are people who are overwhelmed by their circumstances.

Which is why I believe that "life is difficult". Life throws us challenges all the time. Some are big and obvious, some smaller and more subtle, but all are "difficult". And I think that if we can accept that that is what life is about, it is easier to deal with the challenges and we are therefore less likely to be overwhelmed by them.

This isn't a defeatist attitude. Far from it. I am able to appreciate all the wonderful things that I have in my life, whilst accepting the more difficult ones.

And, therefore, I can say that my life is wonderful. It is challenging, yes (and at times exhausting). But it is also very very wonderful.

Our weekend....

Yawn....
Four kids eating...
Four kids swimming....
Storm coming....

(sorry it's not prolific. Did I mention I was exhausted?)

Harder and harder....

It seem that her treatment is making her feel worse before she begins feeling better. And it is just SO difficult to to keep convincing her of the reasons she has to keep alive until it begins to work.

She has an idea that if she "disappears", her husband and I can live together and raise all 4 kids happily. With two happy parents.

It makes so much sense to her. She has planned her way out. But she's lied to the doctors about it.

And so today I had to "dob" her in. I went to the doctor and told him that she has a plan, and that I am convinced that she is in immediate danger. He was unwilling to believe me, as she had convincingly told him that although she thinks about dying, she has no plan.

Doesn't that make things even more dire?

Finally, FINALLY, he believed me, and she is on "suicide watch" while they wait for an available bed in the ICU.

And I'm exhausted. Totally, utterly exhausted.

And she's angry with me. She only told me because she trusted me, and I've betrayed that trust. I know, however, that she will thank me when she is well again.

And I KNOW that she will be well again. Please God soon.

My beautiful teapot arrived today!!

Thank you Le (and Lorrie and M) for this beautiful and fun addition to my minimal kitchen collection!

I LOVE it!!!

A midnight adventure.... and a sad tale ....

Last night, just before midnight, I received a terrible phone call. It was from Slinky and Malinky's new Mum. She was crying so hard that I thought, initially, that it was a crank call and hung up on her.

Luckily she called back, and the only words that I could make out were "I can't find Slinky".

"I'll be right over" I said. And ran next door to wake my Mum up (to mind my boys) before rushing over there.

I arrived, to be greeted by my friend in SUCH a state that she literally couldn't talk. She had been looking for him for 15 hours.

I walked out her back door, re-assuring her that I would help her find him, and that he would be okay, and instantly he appeared.

INSTANTLY. After 15 hours of her searching and calling and panicking.

Little bugger.

I can't help but think that he was (in his own way) protesting that fact that I had appeared again and then disappeared. And that he was waiting for me to return.

There's really no other explaination.

Cats (particularly those with Burmese blood in them) are very loyal. I had a divine little Burmese called Felix once. When I moved overseas, he stayed in my house with my flatmate. He sat at the end of my driveway for 2 weeks waiting for me. He wouldn't eat, drink or move.

I came home for a flying visit after 12 months and went straight from the airport to visit him. I saw him every day for 5 days while I was home. And then I left again.

He returned to his position at the end of the driveway and refused to move, eat or drink. And after two weeks, he simply died.

Broke my heart.

And now I'm thinking that I should not visit Slinky and Malinky again. That my selfishness in wanting SO much to see them only makes them suffer.

Happy Birthday Joanne....

You were taken away from us way too early.

But you'll always be in my heart.

I hope that you are having red wine and birthday cake in heaven, my dear dear friend.

Fallout...

Last night my boys and I got to see some of the fallout from "her" illness firsthand.

Her youngest child (who is Boo's bestest friend) was going to come to ours for a sleepover. I collected him, and then collected her, and we all went to Balmoral Beach for fish and chips and some salt air therapy.

After dinner and after the boys had all been running around and digging on the beach while she and I had deep conversations and dipped our toes in the water, her son whispered to her that he did not want to sleep at our home. He had been abnormally rude and challenging all evening, and was quite hostile to Boo and Toto. Knowing that her eldest child was having a birthday party sleepover (and had begged for her little brother to be absent), she went into a panic. I took over and her son and I went for a walk/talk along the beach.

Now.... he is like a third son to me and loves me dearly. He is normally respectful, polite and always displays amazing empathy for a boy of his age. He does have problems with anger management, but his behaviour last night was completely and utterly out of character.

I asked him why he didn't want to stay over at our house (normally he begs us for sleepovers!). He told me that he couldn't find the words to explain it, but he really REALLY wanted to be with his Dad.

That was it for me. I understood completely. He needs stability and an actively-parenting-parent. So I agreed to take him home.

My decision was based upon knowing that "she" wouldn't have coped with his upset if I had refused, and knowing that he is going through SO much pain just by having his Mum ill and in hospital for such a long time.

We took her back to the hospital and then drove him back home (half way across Sydney). We then came home .... and my poor boys finally reacted.

Poor Boo was devastated by the turn of events. He had been SO looking forward to the sleepover, and to having a friend to play with the next day during Toto's boring and long exciting cricket match. He didn't understand what had happened. He said that his friend had been rude, had shown him no respect, and that he didn't feel like his best friend anymore.

And.... he wanted to sleep in my bed (something that hasn't happened for a long time).

*sigh*

They're all so affected by this. And they're too young to truly understand mental illness, treatment and recovery.

My boys are okay today. I explained things to them last night and asked them to show her son kindness and understanding by not judging him for his current behaviour. I think hope pray they understood.

Some joy....

As I've written, I've received a lot of joy from visiting Slinky and Malinky twice a day for the last week. Here is Boo with both cats.... not a great photo, but Slinky was being totally unco-operative and I wanted to show how gorgeous they are, if only because they are identical...


Here is Malinky.... again very difficult to photograph because he walks towards me every time I crouch down....


And here's a Skink that was sitting on the hot wall. Beautiful and still. A lesson for me in stillness...


Today was a big day for "her". I was there all day, and snapped her window sill early this morning. Trying to find beauty in sadness...

I feel like all I do is whinge....

To you guys, that is.

She's so much worse. They've tried various different meds and she's not responding to any of them. It feels like a full time job just trying to remind her of reasons to keep surviving.

So she's changing treatments again on Friday. She's scared and she's exhausted and she's totally overwhelmed.

But she's still here, and I know how much of an effort that can be. And I'm SO proud of her.

Me? I'm looking after my cats this week. That might sound like a funny statement, but I had to give them away 4 years ago when we moved into this flat. They live nearby, with lovely people, and the boys and I get to visit them whenever we want. We also get to look after them when their new owners are away.

And the love and purrs and cuddles that my divine Slinky and Malinky are giving me right now are priceless.

Taking wobbly credit...

I have received TWO blog awards. One of them was given to me a while ago, when I was feeling completely unworthy and unable to properly appreciate it. The other was given to me today.

These awards mean an awful lot to me, mainly because of the respect I have for the people who gave them to me.

The first one.....



.... was given to me by the beautiful and talented Lara at Disco Knitter. She is a "real life" friend as well as a blog-pal, and has been through her own journey of ups and downs, which she has blogged about honestly and articulately along the way. She's intelligent, strong and has amazing qualities of perception. She is also the mother of one of my favourite "opb" (Other Peoples' Babies)..... Inigo.

And the second one.....



...... was given to me by the amazing and incredible Tiff from My Three Ring Circus. Tiff is the mother of Amy (as well as 6 other beautiful children) and has been to hell and back on more than one occasion, and yet always finds a way to see the positive and beautiful around her. She's also a phenomenal photographer.

Now, along with the secret smile and the joy of being liked, comes the responsibility attached to accepting these awards. The rules, as I understand them, are as follows:

1. Put the logo on your blog.
2. Add a link to the person who awarded it to you.
3. Nominate at least 7 other blogs. (ummm.... I'd better make that 14)
4. Add links to these blogs on your blog.
5. Leave a message for your nominee on their blog.

So... I have done the first two things, and now I'm going to do step 3. I nominate.... (in no particular order)....

Our Name is Blog. The wonderful Lorrie gives me constant giggles, miles of loving support, and I get to think of her everyday because I have her "whatever" clock hanging on my wall.

Pea Soup. Suze takes me away for a few minutes every day or so with her stunning photography and quiet approach to a hectic world.

Blue Yonder. Because (just quietly) I wish I could be her.

Uncommon Grace. Photos photos photos. And an amazing approach to life.

Sheeps Clothing. She's a little bit me and a little bit you and VERY observant. Always makes me smile.

Super Whites. I'm a recent follower of this blog. Sarah is articulate and caring and is the mother of the very adventurous (and photogenic) Amy. Her perspective is always interesting.

Eastern Max. M may be a friend of mine (we're actually cousins if you must know) but she's also one of the most competent and intelligent chicky-babes that I know. Never ever boring.

Me & Boo. Lani makes me cry, often. They're always good tears. She's kind of a soul mate, I feel, although we haven't met (yet).

Light. Sweet. Crude. Trish keeps me feeling that I'm not obsessed with US politics (if only because she is!!). She sources the best stuff on the interweb, and layers it with brilliant photos and observant and well-informed comments. Go Trish!

My Little Drummer Boys. Another new blog for me. Trish has two beautiful twin sons and a teenage son. She has also faced a long and sometimes tragic journey with fertility. Her words are poignant and powerful and a must read.

Third On The Right. What can I say that hasn't been said already? Le is always interesting, always clever and always blogging. What a combination!

Around the Traps. Fairlie is fun. She is artistic and creative and an inspiration to me.

Blue. Photography. Stories. Amazing ability to articulate emotion. Blue.


Some of these people don't even know that I follow their blogs (I'm such a crap commenter). I hope that all my nominees smile just to know that I thought of them (and forgive me for abridged descriptions of why I nominated them). And that they know that they contribute to my day.

And I hope that everyone else knows that I had a long list to cull. And that I decided to limit my nominees to English blogs Ed: I mean written in English (doesn't mean I don't love you if you don't blog in English!)

Ed: And I didn't include you in my list if you were nominated by Lara or Tiff as well. It kind of made my job easier, but some of you would definitely have been on my list too.

A blogmeet..... and news....

The divine Guera was in Sydney for a few days and organised a get-together with some of her Sydney blog-pals. We met at a beautiful harbourside beach and enjoyed long chats and lot's of kid-play.

My lovely real-life friend M was there, and I got to meet Super Sarah and Trish. It was so lovely to actually meet these people in the flesh.... people whose lives we know so well and yet so little.


And today I received a phone call from the Family Mediation Case Worker. Our case has been deemed "unsuitable for mediation".

So, next step, Family Court.

I'm missing the boys. A lot. And "she" is suffering through another set-back. Lot's of questions about her treatment.... psychiatry is such an in-exact science and most treatments involve a period of trial and error. I just wish that hers didn't have so much of the trial.

I'm a bit flat. But fine.

I probably wouldn't be this fine without such wonderful support from all of you. I can't find the words to describe how valuable all of your comments are. Thank you. You've all got so much on your plate and yet you take time to care about me. Amazing.

All good things.....

No word from any officials since I last posted. Which is a GOOD thing.

I'm sewing like a mad-woman and staying up way too late at night. It's what I do.

My boys have gone to DH for the next week. They were torn between trying to be pleased about it (I put such a positive spin on it for them) and not wanting to be away from me for that long.

Honestly, we are SO connected, my boys and I. They have been absolutely divine these past stressful days/weeks. They sing with me (not something they'd like me admitting to others) and we laugh and play and just have so much fun. I am one of those people who are very clear that I'm NOT serving them best by being their friend (they need me to be their parent), but they are such great friends to me. Truly.

(except when Boo and I play Monopoly. He can't handle it when I beat him)

My irl friends are awesome. Just the right combination of checking up on me and leaving me alone. Thank you to all of you.

To my "internets" friends ..... you know who you are .... thank you SO much for all support and love and kindness. It's just incredible how kind people can be who don't "know" each other. It's a wonderful world.

And one of my irl friends has met a wonderful new potential partner, and so I am able to enjoy all of that stuff vicariously through her.

It's all good. Especially "her". She is allowed home for a couple of hours every now and then. It's a very good sign.

I DO have a question for all of you, though. How do you cope with major stress?

The Family Mediation process thus far....

It's been dramatic.

I had my first appointment on Monday. I spent 1.75 hours talking to our case worker about my situation, and about the history of my relationship with DH, and his with the boys, since our separation.

That's 10 years of gunk. Held-in, honest, embarrassing gunk. It was horrendous.

The case worker "can't" tell me what DH wants from this mediation (and ultimate court) process. DH's confidentiality is key, and therefore I have no real grasp upon whether he's fighting me to dissolve or remove his huge child support (and spousal maintenance) debt to me, or whether, as he has threatened, he is trying to take legal control of the boys away from me.

I held it together for most of the appointment. There were a couple of times when I cried, usually from horrendous memories (I was referring to diary notes), and only once from frustration.

The case worker was pretty good. He is a timid young guy.... probably regretting his career choice.... who expressed great concern about some of the events that I recounted to him.

I decided that to make the most of this process, I needed to be completely honest with him. Honest about past events as well as about my feelings about the inequity in this current process. Oh hell, I expressed my frustration with the whole bloody system! But I was rational about it. And kind. After all, it's not his fault.

The kindness of friends is SO important. My friend J insisted upon giving me a neutral place to unwind afterwards. A kindness which allowed me to process and rant in order to not take this crap home to my kids, and then on to my friend in hospital.

And then today I attended a mandatory seminar called "Kids in Focus", designed to alert newly separated parents to the dangers of not putting their childrens' needs first in the morass of pain that follows separation.

*grrrrrrrrr*

In our small group, there was a woman who had been separated for 2 months, and a few others who had been separated for everything from 1 to 5 years. I was the only one 10 years "out".

That poor poor poor woman. By the end of it, she actually said that she was thinking that she should stay in her AWFUL marriage in order to protect her daughters from the horrors that she now "knew" would follow. It was totally inappropriate for her to be a part of that group. I was sitting there in silent tears and fury, another woman was using it as a forum to unload 5 years of pent up frustration, and another was terrified of the controlling behaviour of her ex, who was also using the system to his advantage.

And, worse for me of all, were two men. Two men (and I am SO NOT ANTI-MEN) who agreed with every single thing spoken about.... as being awful things that their ex's did. Two men who were not introspective enough to take any responsibility for any of their actions prior to, during and after their separations.

In other words, two men who reminded me terrifyingly of DH.

And, in my humble opinion, they were agreeing because the seminar was designed to elicit emotion and guilt, which only worked upon the women present.

(Wolfie, you've done this seminar. Jump in and tell me what you thought, if you'd like)

I had to leave the room at one point, when one of the men insisted that the fact that he had reduced his child support from $245 a week to $65 a week (as per his new child support assessment) had nothing to do with his ex's new partner taking a higher level of involvement in the child's life. I've simplified this, obviously, but the relevant (and recurring) theme was that child support was not relevant to resentment and shared parenting relationships.

Am I blindly seeing a relationship that isn't there?

I was SO upset and incensed at the end that I walked the city streets trying to calm down and shake myself of my upset before I moved on to the rest of my day.

And, again, J stepped in. She picked me up and gave me time to vent and cry and talk before facing my kids. Priceless.

And I did. I went home, hung with my peeps, went to visit my friend at the hospital (I was really concerned about walking in there stressed and upset) and came home to relax.

And then (is anyone counting the number of paragraphs beginning with "and" here?) I received a telephone call from my case worker.

Telling me that, because of the things that I had told him, he was legally obligated to inform DOCS (Department of Community Services) about DH as his behaviour has constituted child abuse.

Holy (insert appropriate expletive here)!

This is a step that I didn't predict.

He told me that he strongly recommended that I telephone them as well to lodge my own complaint (in order, I suppose, to prevent accusations of neglect upon my self) but I am not going to do that. Whenever there has been unsafe behaviour from DH, I have consulted a child and family psychiatrist, and on one occasion I took them to a child and family psychologist in order to ensure that they were coping and secure. They were said to be coping well, BECAUSE of my strong, loving and constant presence.

I do not think that I have ignored or underestimated DH's actions. I have just never had anyone take them this seriously before.

I have warned DH. I did this because he is having the boys to stay next week, and I know that if he received a telephone call from DOCS during that time, he will be FURIOUS and will, at the least, take it out on the boys. He told me that "That's okay. I'll deal with DOCS." in his frustratingly cocky manner. (That man honestly believes that he can charm a statue.)

So.....

... unless DH can charm the DOCS social worker (not an outlandish thought.... he charmed one of our Child Support case workers once) this will work in favour of the best interests of the boys AT LEAST because it will insure that he won't get legal responsibility for them. But....... it could also irreparably damage their future relationship with him.

I know I keep ranting on about how important that is, but that's just how I am. I'm not happy with this escalation, but I'm not falling apart about it either. I'm just fastening my seat belt and preparing for the bumpy ride ahead.

On a lighter note, "she" is feeling a bit better. Nowhere near "going-home" better, but a little bit better than the last couple of days. Which fills my heart with relief and gladness.

Thanks to all friends who are calling and caring. I can't talk a whole lot about it because I get emotional and then need time to "pull myself together" for my boys. I guess that's why I'm putting it all out here.

Talk about blog as therapy!

A Disney too much....

Today was a telling day.

Toto, Boo and I went to a local cinema complex to see the latest Disney sensation, Wall-E. There were 20 of us.... 5 mums and 15 kidlets..... and the joy I received from being around these wonderful friends was inexplicable....



... and in direct contrast to the agony that I felt during the film. I simply lost it. The emotional roller coaster of this G rated childrens' film completely overwhelmed me.

At one stage, fighting back tears and feeling unbearably emotional, I told my boys that I needed to go out to the foyer to wait for them there.

Boo: "I'll look after you Mummy. Just lean against me. Squeeze my hand if you need to."

Toto: "If you need to leave, I'll come with you."

Bless.

And so I stayed. And I squeezed Boo's hand. Lots.

After the film we all had lunch, and then I had a panic attack on the way to the car (as you do).

Sheesh. Talk about living life on the edge. I'm a very strong woman (seriously!) and today showed me that I'm close to my breaking point. And so I'm going to seriously look after myself.

Thank you to my darling Dutch (and one Belgian!) blogging friends for today. Despite all, I am glad that we went. Next time let's go to a park and hang out on the swingset. (And thank you Eveline for crying too.)