As much as I have LOVED blogspot....

Many of my bloggy-friends have been mentioning that they can't access my blog properly, and that, once there, they can't comment.

It seems that there might be a bit of a "cold war" style behaviour going on between Microsoft and everything else, and the problem is supposed to encourage everyone to use Google Chrome when it is released. (If that sentence sounded pathetic, it is because I really don't know what I'm talking about. I just know that I had a LOT of people telling me that they couldn't use blogspot, and so I took action.)

I now have my very own WordPress blog.

And, boy, has it been a journey. I hope that it looks similar to this blog, at first, and hope to learn how to use it properly as I go along.

http://fe.org.au

Simple, isn't it?

Please remembe to update your blogrolls and your rss readers.

See you there!!!

Perspective...

This morning I was awoken by the sounds of sirens. Lots of them. This isn't that unusual where I live, but these ones seemed to stop very close by.

I looked out over my balcony and saw a cluster of police vehicles, ambulances, police rescue vans and other cars blocking my street, partially covered by trees, about 6 or so houses away.

I sent out a silent prayer for the poor anonymous souls caught up in the drama, and then went about my day.

This evening, my dear friend Lara called me tears. And told me that mutual friends of ours, who live in my street, had lost their daughter during the night.

Three year old Lara (named after the above mentioned Lara), had been perfectly healthy when her parents, Anna and Rob, put her to bed last night. And when they went in to wake her up this morning, they found that she had died during the night.

I can only imagine the horror. And then the horror of the necessary police intervention. I do not know how I would be able to go on.

But go on they must, as they have a 13 month old daughter who needs their love and attention.

Please send them strength. Please send them your love. Please hug your kids extra tight tonight and tell them how much you love them.

BENIGN!!....

What a beautiful word!!

Oh wow. I didn't realise just how anxious I was until I received that phone call!!

Thank you SO much everyone for being there with me through this scary scary time.

Now we just have to have DH back down and Boo get better and all will be right in my world. Right now, however, I am just so grateful for having dodged a bullet. I feel invincible!

Last week I had to tell the boys that they would have to see their lawyer again, which meant that I had to tell them that the agreement had not gone through. I tried to phrase it as "The lawyers have to talk again" rather than "Your asshole father went back on his word" but the affect was still the same.

We've had to postpone the lawyers' appointment because of Piggy Flu, and Toto is extremely worried about it, but I'm trying hard to minimise their concerns and reassure them that all will be okay.

Now that the breast-lump stress is over, I can focus on that again.

I couldn't make this stuff up!

Boo has been getting sicker and sicker, and today he had a massive nose bleed which took half an hour or more to stop and which prompted me to telephone the doctor to ask whether I should take him for a Swine Flu swab.

He said that they weren't swabbing for it anymore, as the process itself is highly contagious, and that as they had had so many other cases of Swine Flu diagnosed in their surgery, they were able to recognise it and give out free Tamiflu to anyone who showed severe flu like symptoms.

So, I took Boo to the surgery this afternoon. The Doc was able to instantly diagnose Swine Flu from his high temperature and his whole demeanor. He also took one look at me, said "You look awful", took my temperature, listened to my chest, looked in my ears and said "You have it too".

Honestly... I broke out into a huge grin (I'm still spontaneously giggling) at the absurdity of it all! I should definitely buy a Lottery ticket.

We're quarantined until we are better. We both feel like crap. Toto is fine so far (touch wood) as are my parents.

Edited to add...

It's not considered dangerous for either of us. Just unpleasant.

A Collective Exhale Please.....

I don't have a definitive answer yet. But I'm feeling more confident.

Yes, there are two lumps that could be cysts or tumours. I had core biopsies taken of both of them (OW OW OW OW OW OW... especially after having more mammograms done).... and will find the results out on Monday.

The lovely lovely Doctor who did the biopsies told me that they looked much more like cysts than tumours to him, and therefore I am feeling very very optimistic!

God it's an awful experience though. 10 women sitting in the waiting room like sparrows on a fence. Some are sent home after their mammograms. More are sent home after their ultrasounds. Eventually there were only two of us waiting to have biopsies. Not a wonderful feeling.

The other woman was feeling incredibly distressed, and said "I've been calculating the odds. It's either you or me.". I looked at her with a compassionate expression and said "It just might not be either of us" and believed it.

So, THANK YOU MY DARLING FRIENDS! I felt your support and love throughout the 4 hour appointment. Now we just have to cross a pinkie-finger until Monday. I'm sure it's all okay though. Really I am.

This is a distraction post...

Isn't it wonderful how we're all completely ageless in Blogland?

I only think about it when someone posts about their birthday, or mentions their age, and I'm usually quite surprised by how wisdom or cleverness does not always equate with age. Not that I've ever really equated those things with age in real life, but still... it's hard to ignore it when it's staring you in the face, so to speak.

Mrs G. over at Derfwad Manor is polling her readers' ages today. I think I'd rather not know.

The lovely Lara at Disco Knitter is taking Inigo to the hospital today to have some nasty tests done. Please send them happy vibes around 1pm.

Boo is home sick today. He has cold-like symptoms, but as a perfectly innocent cold/flu has been making the rounds at his school, I'm not flying into a panic. If he starts to have temperatures that don't respond to panadol, I'll take him to the local Emergency room for a Swine Flu swab. To be quite honest, it's wonderful having him home on this particular day. A great excuse to not think too much about things that may never happen.

The lovely Blue over at BlueJeuls finishes each of her posts with a list of things that she is grateful for. I will emulate that today.

Grateful for:

1) friends
2) health
3) a wonderful mum who folds my laundry
4) a slow cooker (dinner is on already so that my kids will be fed tonight whatever the day brings)

This may turn out to be only 24 hours of awful....

... but I'm going to share it anyway.

Two weeks ago I had a long overdue mammogram. I had been putting it off half subconsciously and half self-destructively in my haze of depression induced feelings of self-worthlessness.

You see, I have had a weird kind of lump on my nipple, which, even though my GP has told me looked pretty harmless, has had me worried. I've also had some mysterious pains in my armpit.

Don't yell at me for putting off getting myself checked out. I'm not strong enough to take it.

I went through this for the first time nearly 8 years ago. On September 11 2001, to be precise. And I received a diagnosis of breast cancer. I was one of the lucky ones. My cancer was removed by surgery and I had "clean margins" which meant that I was able to get away without having radiotherapy and chemotherapy. It was a risk (not having further treatment) that I was willing to take at that time as my boys were 3 and 4 years old and I was living on my own with them. I simply couldn't have managed.

An hour or so ago, I telephoned for the results of my mammogram and was immediately put through to a counsellor. She told me that they want me to return for further tests as soon as possible. Tomorrow, to be precise.

This does NOT mean that I definitely have a recurrence of my breast cancer. 9 out of 10 women who are recalled for further tests after a mammogram end up with a clean bill of health.

This DOES mean, however, that I am thrown back into the feelings of fear and anxiety and sadness.

This also means that I am thinking of all my dear dear friends who, after years of NED (No Evidence of Disease) had a recurrence from which they didn't recover.

I'm scared.

And although I know that there is a large chance that I have nothing to fear, I wish that I didn't have to go through this at all. And I pray that I'm strong enough to protect my children from picking up on my sadness and fear.

As I said in the heading, this may only be 24 hours of awful, but I'm putting it out there because I need your collective strength. There's just too much going on for me right now. I feel overwhelmed. I need to feel a part of something bigger than the turmoil that is my life.

I don't really have the words...

... and I'm trying SO hard to make this a learning experience rather than spiraling downwards and sitting in the corner in a fetal position screaming and rocking and pulling my own hair out.

We walked out of the Mediation with an agreement. Both sides agreed to what was written down during the meeting. The next step... transferring the agreement to a court document and lodging it with the court.... was meant to be a formality only.

Until this afternoon.

SmartGirl received a letter from DH's lawyer saying that he was not going to sign the document unless he received an extra 3 nights a fortnight.

WTF?

I only agreed to the extra 1 night in order to expedite the end of this trauma for the boys and to allow them to rest assured that their parents had been able to come to an agreement.

And now this.

We're stuck.

It will probably have to go to a judge now.

And who knows what the outcome will be.

I simply CANNOT believe that DH has done this! He just KEEPS damaging our children intentionally. It is too much for me to take in. Surely this is an example of his total and utter lack of concern for their welfare?

I'm not going to tell the boys anything about this at all. I guess they'll resent me for this if the outcome is unfavourable, but I simply cannot put them through any more of this.

Oh God I blogged too soon....

Poor Toto completely lost it. The rosy shine wore off MUCH sooner than I anticipated.

He's thought ahead to the reality of it all and has decided that it's all too much. He just can't deal with all of the practical aspects of the extra night (school uniforms, musical instruments, air league uniforms etc) letalone the extra night away from me.

I've put him back to bed with promises of late night drives across the Harbour Bridge to deliver mislaid or forgotten items (boy am I going to regret making THAT promise) and letters to all of his teachers explaining his change of living circumstances and asking for leniency with regard to missing textbooks and homework not done.

And he's angry with me for agreeing to the change.

I know, I know. I know that I had no choice and that he's an emotional lad, but right now I feel like I've sold my children for a piece of silver.

Let's hope a good nights' sleep and a few weeks of adjusting to the idea makes things easier.

For all of us.

The boys reaction...

... was amazing.

They basically said that they were incredibly happy and relieved that they didn't have to live with him half of the time. They said that they could cope with one extra night.

Both of them commented that they were really pleased that we had been able to agree on an outcome, and that they were extra extra pleased that we didn't have to go through any more of this stress.

So... we celebrated with my parents and laughed and chatted and were more relaxed than we have been in... oh.... about 8 months.

We're home now, and they've just had a physical fight over who is having the first shower. Things really ARE back to normal!

Shaking....

... all over. Can't stop.

It's like I've been put through a tree chopper and reassembled to look roughly like the person I was before.

Lawyers threw around GIGANTIC issues as though they were discussing last nights' fish and chip wrapping. The Court Counsellor's report was barely raised. DH's past behaviour was not addressed at all. It was all about compromise and legal-blame.

THANKYOU for all of your good wishes and loving thoughts. I swear they worked.

Things are NOT exactly the same as they were before, but they are only slightly changed.

Instead of getting 50/50 shared parenting, DH received one extra night a fortnight. I should be jumping for joy, but I know how devastated the boys will be at hearing this news. I was able to establish that we have one month before this new arrangement takes place, and that it gets re-assessed in 6 months before becoming final, but the reality is that it will be almost impossible for me to "prove" to the court that it is not working. I mean, if they didn't pay attention to the Court Counsellor's report, what weight will they place on the mothers' opinion? I can therefore only pray that it does work, and that DH lifts his game, and that in 6 months we are all happy to finalise it.

SmartGirl was amazing. She really was. She was also wonderful at clearing the room at the end when, after DH left, I covered my face with my hands and sobbed and sobbed. I was shaking too much to even stand up. She told me that I had been brilliant and had said all the right things and that this was a big win in the current Family Court environment.... and yet she understood that it was incredibly stressful for me and that I did not see it as the best outcome for the boys.

Sitting directly across a 2 foot wide table from DH was beyond agony. He was pathetic. He kept talking about what "he" wanted, and not about what would be best for the boys. He said that he wanted this resolved because he didn't want to continually cry about something that happened 12 years ago. And that he wanted to have court orders so that he felt like a father.

Are you kidding me? Firstly... get a THERAPIST... not a lawyer. Secondly... court orders DO NOT a father make.

What a loser.

The financial matter did not get resolved. His lawyer (CF.... I refuse to expand on those initials on the grounds that the C stands for a word that I would never otherwise use in real life) said that the initial spousal maintenance orders should never have been made, and therefore should be dismissed. Obviously nobody has ever left her pregnant and with a babe in arms. I should have been out supporting myself I suppose. Stupid, selfish me.

We are off to court on July 20 for the financial issues to be decided by a judge. There is no other way. SmartGirl will be in Paris on holiday then, and CF refuses to postpone the hearing date, so I'll only have my Barrister. Apparently DH's bank accounts are all frozen... hopefully by the CSA... and she obviously won't postpone because she doesn't want to wait to get her bills paid.

The ICL (Independent Children's Lawyer) was the one who decided upon the outcome. She obviously worked very hard to get DH and CF to back down from 50/50 (we weren't in the room for that conversation) and then had to convince me to agree to it as well. She tried to insist that I not tell the boys anything about the outcome.... and said that she would see them within the next two weeks to tell them herself. WHAT?

I explained that that was a totally unrealistic situation, and that it was better if I told the boys that we were going to trial the extra nights and reassured them that DH and I had agreed upon it because we both wanted what's best for them. She did, finally, agree to that.

Honestly.... to all of you who are family court lawyers out there... good on you for working in a messy and horrendous environment. I know you must do it because you want to make a positive difference (except for CF) but CAN YOU PLEASE NOT ASSUME THAT EVERY PARENT IS A MORON? (Except for SmartGirl.)

Thank you.

So.....

I expect that I'll be in shock for a few days.

I'm planning to take the boys out to dinner tonight to celebrate the end of the legal battle between Mummy and Daddy (they don't know about the Financial stuff). And to emphasise that DH and I were able to agree (it's not a lie... just an omission of the fact that it took 8 months and 4 lawyers in the room to reach the agreement), and to TRY to make the extra night seem shiny and exciting for them.

And I expect that I'll continue to randomly burst into tears for at least a couple of days.

Is it really over? Can't quite believe it. Guess I won't until the Financial Issue is sorted as well.

I'm so nervous....

...I'm nauseous and anxious and having trouble breathing normally.

Despite my wonderful optimism.

The Family Dispute Resolution conference is in less than 2 hours.

I managed to distract myself all weekend but it suddenly hit me last night and I'm a quivering wreck.

Will update here as soon as it's all over.

Cross your fingers for my boys and me Blogland. Please.

My face hurts....

... from GRINNING!!!

Now... it ain't over until the fat lady sings... but today we received the report from the Family Court Counsellor and it is STRONGLY in our favour!!

In fact, she writes that it would NOT be in the boys' best interests to change their current living arrangements!  Those are STRONG words from a family court counsellor.  Amazing!

So, we have the mediation on Monday and we may possibly be able to settle the parenting matter.  With no change to the current living arrangements!

The financial matter is also looking pretty good.  Smart Girl has come up with some tough arguments and is feeling very confident about it.

I can't tell you how wonderful I feel.  And I'm not going to let caution deny me this much missed feeling of optimism.  I'll deal with the disappointment if I have to, but right now I'm feeling as though I'm walking on air.

Walk with me, everybody!!

Testing (one, two) Testing (tap, tap)....

Sorry for the looooooong radio silence.

It's been a morass of legal wrangling and emotional juggling here in my corner of blogland.

Smart Girl (aka my lawyer) is a powerhouse of awesomeness.  The upside of that is that I feel confident in her decision-making and in the direction that she is leading my arguments, and the downside is that I'm running around doing and finding and documenting and meeting and basically focusing every breathing moment on ensuring that I am keeping up my end of the deal.

We met with my Barrister the other day, and, again, I was incredibly impressed with his approach to our argument.  It was exciting to watch the way he was able to reference our facts to specific family law legislations.  And, as well as being phenomenally competent, he displayed genuine empathy for me and my situation.

We have a Family Dispute Resolution conference next week.  This is the last chance for negotiations.  I'm dreading having to face DH and his lawyer in a round table setting, but am kind of looking forward to hearing what, if any, negotiating points he is prepared to raise.

*sigh*

Other than that....

Today I went to a "Laughing Workshop" at the Sydney Opera House and sobbed through the entire second half.  Sheesh.  It was run by an amazing musician and "laugh-master" called Laraaji, whose concert I also went to on Friday night.

Apparently the line between laughter and crying is a fine one, and if we force ourselves to laugh whilst we are holding in great sorrow, we can inadvertently open the floodgates.  I'm glad he said that... especially as I was the only one in the room whose floodgates had been ripped open by a herd of bulls.

I'm still recovering.

In a way it really did work, as I now laugh every time I think about silently sobbing (you know.... all gulps, snot and tears) in a room full of people who looked and sounded as though they were hyenas on acid.  Bloody funny really.