Guilt if you do it wrong, fury if someone else does it wrong with your kids (DH).
It's a daily battle with the kids now. They adamantly do NOT want to go to DH's. I get tears, hysterics, screaming, hair pulling (their own, not mine) and I can't bloody agree with them! I mean, don't get me wrong... I understand why they don't want to go right now... and I understand why they don't want to go more frequently than they are currently going.... but I am the adult and I know that life is long and they still have the possibility of a long and rewarding relationship with their Dad as adults. And I also know that I can't make their Dad out to be the enemy.
You might be thinking what DH is thinking. That I'm bad mouthing him to the kids. Involving them in this in a negative way. Christ I wish I was in a way because it would be much easier for me. I had to tell them what he is asking for in the court orders because it affects them. I am fighting this for them, not for me. But I truly don't talk him down in front of them. I feel like I'm lying to my kids about all of this and that's making them even more upset because I've never lied to them before.
The amount of times I say (to myself or to my Mum) "If only DH could HEAR this conversation!". I spend all of my time reassuring them that, although I support them not wanting to live with him during the week, I will not support them not seeing him at all.
I have, of course, shed tears of frustration in front of them, for which I feel great guilt. We live in a small 2 bedroom apartment. I have nowhere to go to hide when it's all too much for me.
You probably think I'm crazy. And if I keep this up I think I will go crazy. But I just do not want to put them in the middle of this &*^&% legal battle. I do not want them to feel torn.
But of course they do anyway.
Toto came up with a great one yesterday. "Mum, you remember that man with the cigarette that smelled funny that we passed on the street on our first day in Glasgow?" Ummmm.. yes. "Well, Daddy's house smells like that a lot".
He's desperately trying to give me evidence to stop him having to go to his Dad's.
And then I find out that they're being farmed out again this weekend while they're meant to be with DH. He plays cricket with friends on Saturday so he's farming them out until Sunday night.
Why can't he just leave them with me?? This is why I'm so positive that he's only trying to get the kids in order to have no future child support obligations. Because when he has them, he sends them to friends' houses.
*Grrrrrrrrr*
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
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13 comments:
I have a lot of words I want to say right now, but I don't want to sully your blog with them!
Firstly, I think you are amazingly strong to have not let any of this out to the kids. I completely understand why you are not bad-mouthing him and as hard as it must be I do beleive that it's absolutely the right decision for the kids. Whenever I have talked to adults whose parents split up when they were kids, the most common thing they were (still as adults) upset about was that one or both of their parents bitched about the other one to them. They almost all resent the complaining parent for that and in some cases it brought them closer to the other one. I don't think that would necessarily happen with your boys, but I can't see how it's ever in their interests to hear the things you might really want to say about him. You know that I KNOW how hard that is to keep up all the time, so I know that you're doing an incredible job of always putting their needs first. I wish I had some useful suggestions on what to say to them to make it better, other than being as honest as is appropriate to them - you're probably already doing that. I'm sure they know from your words and actions that you're always there for them, and that will mean a lot to them, particularly in these circumstances.
And there's no reason you should feel guilty for crying in front of them. I know I would feel the same way in the same situation, and you would say the same thing to me - it's not the end of the world for the kids to know you're human and hurting over this. Watching how you deal with this difficult situation (with some frustration and upset but also a lot of strength and determination) is teaching them some valuable life lessons and coping skills. If they never saw how much this affected you, they might never learn how to deal with challenges themselves.
Secondly, (we've talked about this before) but all this stuff is even more fodder for the affidavit/ hearing. Particularly the bit about him farming them out to his mates. Have you checked with your lawyer about whether he's actually allowed to do that? After all, it's him who has custody, not his mates. It might open a whole other can of worms if you make something of it, but maybe it's worth checking whether you are within your rights to keep them if you know he's sending them elsewhere? (And also worth thinking about whether that will inflame the situation even more?) Either way, I would have thought that's got to be relevant information for the custody battle.
Thirdly, (((((((((((hugs)))))))))))
[Fourthly, phew! Sorry for writing an essay! :)]
(((((((Guera)))))))) Thank you for ALL your words. Too much is never enough.
I WILL use the stuff about sending them to friends' houses in the affidavit. I'm constantly having to update it. It's a nightmare.
Crazily, I was SO pissed off when then kids came home and told me... when of course it's better that they're not with him if they hate it so much. I STILL have that anger towards him for NOT WANTING HIS KIDS. Even though he's fighting me for them, it's so insincere and superficial, and the mother lion in me just wants my kids to be unconditionally loved by both of their parents. Hence the "going crazy" comment.
And the boys read my body language. I have practically no filter and get cranky and intolerant when I'm stressed and upset, so even though my words are okay, they still get the message. But I don't think there's a single thing that I can do about that except give them more encouraging words and explain after the fact that I'm okay really, just finding the whole thing a bit stressful.
None of us is perfect as parents. We're lying if we say we are. Which is also where the guilt comes in. I feel I need to be absolutely perfect because my parenting is coming under fire. I do know that I'm a great parent, and that it should be okay because of that, but when things get to the Family Court it only comes down to who has the best barrister.
Ahhhh. Ex-husbands.
xxxxxxxxxxxxx
As an adult child of divorced parents I second two things Guera said - the worst thing of all was when one of my parents complained about the other (and it was only in one direction - the other was like you and never said the wrong thing, ever); and it's also good to show them it's upsetting you - the parent of mine who did that definitely won more of my affection! Wow, it's such a horrible situation and it's scary to see these things happen when it's so out of your control - I really hope that justice prevails and the right people get what they deserve, good and bad. Thinking of you!
God all of this just makes me feel sick. Honestly, your ex's attitude is so familiar to me.
I know only to well that feeling of swallowing all the anger and truth and instead hearing positive words, supportive of their father come out of my mouth. If he only knew all that I do to ensure that they have a positive unsullied view of him.
I firmly believe that my children will understand as they get older, just what I have done for them.
Your kids will be able to look back and see that you did everything you could to protect them.
I'm glad you're making a note of all of this in your affadavit. It's probably very naive of me but I have to believe that any court will see through his crap. I am lucky in a way that it has never occurred to my ex-husband to want the children any more than he already has them but I also have bled for them that he is not man enough to give them the love they deserve.
I think you're doing an amazing job. You are much stronger than you give yourself credit for.
((hugs))
hello fe dear
so glad the papers are in and you are on your way to what might be a longer term resolution.
I'm going to be bold here and ask a question - you can just tell me to p off and I would totally understand .... I am just trying to think left field - but i am sure you have already done this 'what if' ....
if you think DH is doing this to end his financial (lack) of commitment to you and the boys then why not just give that - sign something that says he does not owe you a cent now or into the future ...
I know this is a simplistic response and you and the lads can't live on air alone ... but if I read right he has been a dead beat in this area anyway so .... what would be the 'loss' as you will probably not see the $$ anyway ... or $20 a week for ever and a day ....
The flip side is he has to loose all rights of custody for now and ever with the boys ....no sleep overs and day visits only at the request of the boys ....until they are 18 years
Your angst, their angst, the whole drama might diminish if you confirm what he wants and give it to him.
If it is no $$ then so be it - this is no suprise and you will not loose from this - only gain some peace and space to mother and parent how you want to without the black cloud of DH interaction over head.
The whole hurt you feel of him not wanting the boys should be flipped around to 'why would the boys want him' ...
Now I am going to sound like a total, pragmatic bitch - but the whole thing would be easier if he just got hit by a bus ... you could all grieve, move on and heal.
How does insisting the boys have contact with him actually make a positive contribution to their lives. He is an unfit parent and should have his license revoked and sperm removed so he can't wreck havoc in some other life space.
I would like to tell you I come to this from a totally tinted and damaged viewpoint.
My mum's cousins lost her two wee ones to a husband who did not want them but just stole them back to his home country in the middle east. She has not been able to access or see her babes for over a decade .....
He did not even bother to raise the kids - just left them in the communal extended family home under the care of his mother and kept up his wayward globe trotting ways.
Our cousin has less than no rights in his birth country so she remains an empty soul ... just devastating ...
When I saw those pics a few posts back of you and DH on the camel thingo it just gave me the chills ... not in a good way ...
be brave fe - you are a well quaified and prooven survivor and I know you will pull this one off too .... you have to - for the lads of course ...
Now where did I park my spare bus ... le xoxoxo
ps I feel so helpless here and the law is such an ass ... when it all seems so crystal clear to me ... blah !!
dear dear Fiona. What a rotten struggle you have on your hands (and mind), I think you are doing great. I absolutely agree with Guera and I'm glad you are still a she-devil if necessary. Hugs, Dorijke
I think you're a great mom dealing with an asshole ex-husband.
I admire you for trying not to bad mouth your ex in front of the kids. It's hard though. And how do you stay positive towards that person without invalidating their bad experiences?
I remember in school, I liked when one teacher would bad mouth another. I mean not that they did it in a nasty way. Maybe just a subtle comment or a simple "I disagreed with what they did." It kind of made me feel they were on our side.
But I know teachers are probably told never to do this. So, there was often that feeling that no matter what, the teachers are sticking up for each other.
I find it so hard when Jack has a disagreement with an adult and I find myself taking Jack's side. How do you deal with it in a mature way?
I have an aunt who got divorced. We rode in her car somewhere and she went on and on about her marriage problems. That was uncomfortable. It felt very inappropriate.
Okay, I'm rambling. Sorry.
I just think you don't have to stay completely positive about your ex with your boys. I don't think a little bad-mouthing is bad...as long as you don't get too detailed about things.
He sounds disgusting though and horrible. I can't blame the kids for not wanting to go with him. It would be great if you could just cut him out of your life.
Welcome Amanda! Thanks so much for commenting... especially on this topic as I have had no experience of being a child of divorced parents. I have to hang on to your words to give me the strength to keep being positive to my sons. Thank you for those words.
Thanks Ali... Isn't it amazing how hard it really is to stay positive? It's actually a term of child abuse in some parts of the world (parental alienation) if you say ANYTHING bad about the other parent in front of children, but there'd have to be so many people without the strength, support, hope and knowledge to not just melt down in front of their kids about it all.
Instead of being criticised for doing it, perhaps they should be given some support to teach them how NOT to do it. It's so hard.
Le... You have no idea how I wish I could! I can't because we're with the Child Support Agency and he has a debt to me through them of well over $90,000. That is considered a debt to the Commonwealth so neither of us can say "forget about it". And the ONLY way he can get rid of it continuing to build is to get rid of future payments being added to that debt. He has told me that he will go to court to expunge the debt... obviously he wants to have at least 50/50 custody before he does that, to appear responsible blah blah blah before a judge.
The story of your Mum's cousin makes me want to go back to bed and sob for a couple of weeks. How did she manage to survive the insanity and injustice of that? I feel sick every time DH has them at the moment. He was 40 mins late bringing them home last night and my head was running and my heart was racing.
Dorijke... SO lovely to see you! Thank you for still looking out for me. Yes I'm still a she-devil when it comes to my babies. You know me.. I'll never lose that part of my fierce parental love. Please give my love to Peter as well. Lots of love to you. xoxoxoxo
Dina... My favourite teacher was like that too! We felt as though she trusted us with adult secrets in a way (a conspiracy of opinion.... a glimpse into the politics of the staff room) and I just adored her. My boys are too smart not to see what I feel like and how stressed I am, but I don't want them to feel like part of my conspiracy. I keep saying that although DH is doing this against their will, he is doing it because he wants to see them more because he truly loves them. But they do overhear the "I can't believe he said that!" type comments on the phone to lawyers etc. Ahh the guilt the guilt!
xoxoxoxo to all. Thank you. xoxox
I can't think of a single positive thing to say other than you are an amazing mother, a fabulous role model for me, and your kids have the best possible advocate in you.
This will probably get worse before it gets better, but we're with you every step of the way.
Big hugs, and I'll try and teach Inigo to say Fe-Fe to cheer you up on bad days.
O Fe- So sorry about how hard this is on you and your boys. I am keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.
Hmmm - maybe a word to his mates about the value of him having them and what is he contributing to their household?
It is hard. I am glad every day that I did not end up in your situation (sorry).
It is true - no matter how much grief it did bring, my ex dying was a blessing in not having to deal with ongoing dramas.
It had other repercussions - true - but custody and financial assistance were no longer part of the whole single parent equation.
Of course, I would not have been dealing with the same sort of court stuff you are dealing with now with him (whole different kettle of fish).
But the "disappear off the face of the earth" option should be offered to parents who want to deadbeat.
Wouldn't it be lovely?
Of course, the government doesn't really like being the financial coparent, and so would very likely chase the deadbeats and so they would want their "pound of flesh for financial contribution" and the cycle continues.
But we get told so often "$$ should not be mixed in with custody" - well, dufus government, why then did you make it so?
There are stories out there where it does work in terms of exes being happy raising well-adjusted children - I have met them and it is beautiful.
This all has a very nasty deja vu for me. I had a friend who discovered she was gay while in the middle of a marriage. She got a divorce and her son split his time between the parents. The ex-hubby bad-mouthed her to her son continually, while she never said a bad word about her ex to her son. I know, because she was my housemate at the time. Of course the ex, projecting like crazy accused her of turning his son against him. Ha!
Fe you are amazing, just as I realise my mum was/is amazing.
I never heard my mum bad mouth my dad, ever. Even thirty odd years later, it is very rare she says anything bad, she will only agree with what I say and never add to it. In fact, it was only a few years ago she was still trying to facilitate relationships with my dad!
On the other hand, my dad was always sarcastic about my mum, or had something negative to say.
Obviously, I have great respect for my mum, and everything she has done, and sacrificed for my brother and I. And as you know, I don't have any respect for my father at all.
Your boys are very lucky, and one day they will realise all the things you have done for them, and they will only love and respect you way more.
xxxx
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