Happy Good Friday everyone... from my germ-riddled home to yours!
Yes, I'm sick as a dog. Barking sick. No voice. Blocked nose. Fever. Headache. And I'm not handling it well. I'm calling it "Man-Flu" because I feel like I'm dying whilst knowing that it's only a case of the flu.
Boo has had it all week. I kept him home from school as I didn't want him to pass it on to others just before our Easter Holidays, and he obviously gave it to me.
Which meant that I have missed out on lots of lovely social activities. Ah well.
We did, however, attend a wonderful Passover celebration on Wednesday night at our good friend Jenni's. It was the first time my boys had attended Passover, and, although they didn't really appreciate all of the food, they loved the ceremonial aspects and learning the history of the holiday.
They're off to DH's today for the first week of the holidays. I'm dreading the silence and agony of missing them. They've been SO much happier since their session with the Family Court counsellor. The relief of telling their truth to her, and of finding out that it's now much more likely that they will continue to live with me, has lifted an enormous burden from their small shoulders.
This week will be the first time they've seen DH since it all happened though, and they're a bit nervous about his reaction to all that they told the counsellor. I have told them that I will come and get them at any time if they are feeling worried and if DH is threatening them in any way (of course I didn't use those words at all.... just said to call me if they were scared of Daddy's anger) even though he's taking them 3.5 hours out of Sydney for the Easter weekend.
Fingers crossed he doesn't take his frustration out on them.
Showing posts with label friendship. Show all posts
Showing posts with label friendship. Show all posts
Friday, April 10, 2009
Sunday, March 22, 2009
Boy Heaven....
This weekend was spent at a great friends' farm.
We "grown ups" cooked, walked, talked, went into "town" for coffee and supplies, read our books.....
... while the boys played cricket, watched "The Life of Brian" (insert evil mummy laugh here) and *gulp* had their first driving lessons.
They were actually bloody good! See for yourself!...
We "grown ups" cooked, walked, talked, went into "town" for coffee and supplies, read our books.....
... while the boys played cricket, watched "The Life of Brian" (insert evil mummy laugh here) and *gulp* had their first driving lessons.
They were actually bloody good! See for yourself!...
Saturday, March 7, 2009
I don't want to jinx anything.... but.....
... apart from spending yesterday crying for absolutely no reason... I'm feeling a bit better.
It's amazing how light things seem when the darkness begins to lift. Every single action, every obligation, every otherwise enjoyable event has seemed like an insurmountable challenge. I've enjoyed things during this time... but the effort to get to things, or prepare for things has worn me out. And I've needed recovery time. Lots.
One of the most noticeable things for me was my loss of confidence. I decided that my photography skills were shockingly pathetic, my Photoshop skills even more so, and that I was kidding myself if I thought that I could write a sentence worth publishing on a world-wide forum. I'm still feeling pretty shaky about those three things, but I'm reminding myself that I'm not doing this for any reason other than my own desire to connect with other wonderful like-minded bloggers. And that they you are not judging me.
I've also been working quite a lot over the last few weeks... minus my normally wonderful confidence. It has been totally exhausting, sometimes uncomfortable and, had I not known that this was not my "normal" state of operating, I would have been thrown into a turmoil about my professional skills and abilities.
And, of course, the legal crap continues. Painfully slowly. Inchingly, revoltingly slowly. DH and I have had one of the arbitrations cancelled. It was quite hilarious actually. Hmmm. We had a Social Security Appeals Tribunal pre-arbitration phone conference regarding DH's objection to a decision by the Child Support Agency that went in my favour. His objection was completely irrelevant to the actual decision and it didn't take long for the SSAT representative to point that out to DH. He dismissed the Appeal that same day. One thing that did come out of the phone call was that DH has lodged another case against me in the Family Court. One that I have not been notified about yet. Something else to look forward to.
That same afternoon Toto had a "Meet The Teachers" bbq at his school. Which meant that I had to see, and even talk to, DH. I didn't stop shaking for about 12 hours from the effort required to maintain an even keel. My darling Toto said "Mum, I'm really proud of you... You're doing such a good job of being nice to Dad" which of course kept me seemingly calm and focussed.
This was one of the highlights of the past couple of weeks... actually it was two of the highlights as we were lucky enough to be able to meet up twice....
So.... hopefully the skies will stay brighter in my perspective for a while. I know that I am not broken. I simply have too much stress in my life right now and will need to manage my time and resources better to avoid this kind of extended darkness.
The tears that continue to roll are more about what my boys are feeling. I stole a look at Toto's English book at school the other day. Under the heading "My Family" he wrote about his divorced parents both wanting him to live with them. And he wrote "but I prefer to live with my Mum". I hadn't realised how much I needed to see those words. To know that, despite their adamant spoken words to me, they weren't just telling me what they thought I wanted to hear.
This is the only photograph that I've taken over the past month or so that I actually really like. Boo is concentrating on his Nintendo DS... lying next to me on my bed... with the strong western sunlight mottled by the blind. They're growing so quickly at the moment and I'm trying to capture those childish expressions that will soon disappear. Not so easy as they've both suddenly become quite camera shy. Bugger.
It's amazing how light things seem when the darkness begins to lift. Every single action, every obligation, every otherwise enjoyable event has seemed like an insurmountable challenge. I've enjoyed things during this time... but the effort to get to things, or prepare for things has worn me out. And I've needed recovery time. Lots.
One of the most noticeable things for me was my loss of confidence. I decided that my photography skills were shockingly pathetic, my Photoshop skills even more so, and that I was kidding myself if I thought that I could write a sentence worth publishing on a world-wide forum. I'm still feeling pretty shaky about those three things, but I'm reminding myself that I'm not doing this for any reason other than my own desire to connect with other wonderful like-minded bloggers. And that they you are not judging me.
I've also been working quite a lot over the last few weeks... minus my normally wonderful confidence. It has been totally exhausting, sometimes uncomfortable and, had I not known that this was not my "normal" state of operating, I would have been thrown into a turmoil about my professional skills and abilities.
And, of course, the legal crap continues. Painfully slowly. Inchingly, revoltingly slowly. DH and I have had one of the arbitrations cancelled. It was quite hilarious actually. Hmmm. We had a Social Security Appeals Tribunal pre-arbitration phone conference regarding DH's objection to a decision by the Child Support Agency that went in my favour. His objection was completely irrelevant to the actual decision and it didn't take long for the SSAT representative to point that out to DH. He dismissed the Appeal that same day. One thing that did come out of the phone call was that DH has lodged another case against me in the Family Court. One that I have not been notified about yet. Something else to look forward to.
That same afternoon Toto had a "Meet The Teachers" bbq at his school. Which meant that I had to see, and even talk to, DH. I didn't stop shaking for about 12 hours from the effort required to maintain an even keel. My darling Toto said "Mum, I'm really proud of you... You're doing such a good job of being nice to Dad" which of course kept me seemingly calm and focussed.
This was one of the highlights of the past couple of weeks... actually it was two of the highlights as we were lucky enough to be able to meet up twice....
So.... hopefully the skies will stay brighter in my perspective for a while. I know that I am not broken. I simply have too much stress in my life right now and will need to manage my time and resources better to avoid this kind of extended darkness.
The tears that continue to roll are more about what my boys are feeling. I stole a look at Toto's English book at school the other day. Under the heading "My Family" he wrote about his divorced parents both wanting him to live with them. And he wrote "but I prefer to live with my Mum". I hadn't realised how much I needed to see those words. To know that, despite their adamant spoken words to me, they weren't just telling me what they thought I wanted to hear.
This is the only photograph that I've taken over the past month or so that I actually really like. Boo is concentrating on his Nintendo DS... lying next to me on my bed... with the strong western sunlight mottled by the blind. They're growing so quickly at the moment and I'm trying to capture those childish expressions that will soon disappear. Not so easy as they've both suddenly become quite camera shy. Bugger.
Saturday, February 28, 2009
The Girl Who IS Australian...
It's been another week between posts. A fact that both shocks me and doesn't surprise me at all, in equal proportions.
It's been a week filled with more nastiness from DH (I probably should explain every now and then for my newer friends that DH does NOT stand for Dear Husband here on my blog. It stands for Dick Head. My ex-husband. Sorry to be so blunt. But there you have it.) and more downtimes for me.
But there have been some bright spots too and all in all I can feel my spirit lifting. God knows I've been trying.
On Thursday night we had Dina (and her husband Tim and son Jack) from The Girl Who Wished She Was Australian over for dinner. We'd organised this before she left Texas for her Australian holiday, and I wasn't going to let a little bout of depression stop me from meeting her. I will, however, admit to feeling more than my usual sense of anxiety prior to meeting a bloggy friend for the very first time.
We had a fantastic evening. All that wasted anxiety!! It was as though we'd known each other for years. Really. We were laughing at the most ridiculous things within about an hour.... a real indication of true simpatico in my books. We played Trivial Pursuit, ate large amounts of food and became good friends. All in the space of a few hours. (photos soon... I promise).
It was so good, in fact, that we're doing it again next week.
And I feel up to it. A true leap forward from the way I've been feeling these last few weeks.
So many of you have emailed me "just checking in". THANK YOU. Thank you. Thank you.
It's been a week filled with more nastiness from DH (I probably should explain every now and then for my newer friends that DH does NOT stand for Dear Husband here on my blog. It stands for Dick Head. My ex-husband. Sorry to be so blunt. But there you have it.) and more downtimes for me.
But there have been some bright spots too and all in all I can feel my spirit lifting. God knows I've been trying.
On Thursday night we had Dina (and her husband Tim and son Jack) from The Girl Who Wished She Was Australian over for dinner. We'd organised this before she left Texas for her Australian holiday, and I wasn't going to let a little bout of depression stop me from meeting her. I will, however, admit to feeling more than my usual sense of anxiety prior to meeting a bloggy friend for the very first time.
We had a fantastic evening. All that wasted anxiety!! It was as though we'd known each other for years. Really. We were laughing at the most ridiculous things within about an hour.... a real indication of true simpatico in my books. We played Trivial Pursuit, ate large amounts of food and became good friends. All in the space of a few hours. (photos soon... I promise).
It was so good, in fact, that we're doing it again next week.
And I feel up to it. A true leap forward from the way I've been feeling these last few weeks.
So many of you have emailed me "just checking in". THANK YOU. Thank you. Thank you.
Saturday, February 21, 2009
Darkness....
I’m still in a dark dark place... and the energy required to do the things that I HAVE to do leaves me totally and utterly depleted. But I’m still here... and I draw strength and a feeling of connection by reading all my fave bloggy-friends’ posts.
My friend is back in the hospital. In fact, since I last wrote about her, she’s been in and out three times. You can only imagine how awful this has been. I remain optimistic about her long term recovery, however, and this helps me keep in touch with the sliver of hope that my own “funk” will ease soon.
DH has been overstepping his boundaries with the boys. He telephones them every day and night, and yesterday he actually picked them up from school and took them for a “play” WITHOUT TELLING ME. He’s doing this to try to prove to a registrar that he is a great Dad, and to try to make up to the boys for years of not giving a shit, but you don’t do that to a mother who is worried sick because her 10 year old son is 15 minutes late home from school. My brain is imploding because apparently if a mother does this she is “clingy” and “invasive” but if a father does this he is “caring” and “enthusiastic”.
And of course Toto and Boo are trying to look after me emotionally. I try SO hard to hide this stuff from them.... SO hard. But it’s impossible to hide the puffy eyes from crying all day, or the burnt dinner from forgetting that I was cooking at all, or the anger with their father for bringing them home with homework undone and school clothes unwashed, and for interrupting our time together every day.
Mainly it’s just the fact that I cry at the drop of a pin.
This is so not good at this point in the legal proceedings. It’s such a catch-22. If it wasn’t for the legal stuff I wouldn’t BE in this depressive episode. And that’s where my brain catches fire and starts melting and my tear ducts develop a mind of their own.
Still, the boys seem to be okay. Boo laughed at me the other day when I was trying to say something positive about DH. He laughed in a comfortable way... and said “Mum, I know you’re trying to make us feel better, but you don’t have to lie”. It’s so tempting to say “Phew! Okay! Thanks babe..... let’s talk about what a total dish-rag he is!” but no.... I said “I’m not lying darling. ALL parents argue sometimes. Daddy and I don’t agree on what’s best for you at the moment, that’s all.” vomit.puke.bullsh*t.
My friend is back in the hospital. In fact, since I last wrote about her, she’s been in and out three times. You can only imagine how awful this has been. I remain optimistic about her long term recovery, however, and this helps me keep in touch with the sliver of hope that my own “funk” will ease soon.
DH has been overstepping his boundaries with the boys. He telephones them every day and night, and yesterday he actually picked them up from school and took them for a “play” WITHOUT TELLING ME. He’s doing this to try to prove to a registrar that he is a great Dad, and to try to make up to the boys for years of not giving a shit, but you don’t do that to a mother who is worried sick because her 10 year old son is 15 minutes late home from school. My brain is imploding because apparently if a mother does this she is “clingy” and “invasive” but if a father does this he is “caring” and “enthusiastic”.
And of course Toto and Boo are trying to look after me emotionally. I try SO hard to hide this stuff from them.... SO hard. But it’s impossible to hide the puffy eyes from crying all day, or the burnt dinner from forgetting that I was cooking at all, or the anger with their father for bringing them home with homework undone and school clothes unwashed, and for interrupting our time together every day.
Mainly it’s just the fact that I cry at the drop of a pin.
This is so not good at this point in the legal proceedings. It’s such a catch-22. If it wasn’t for the legal stuff I wouldn’t BE in this depressive episode. And that’s where my brain catches fire and starts melting and my tear ducts develop a mind of their own.
Still, the boys seem to be okay. Boo laughed at me the other day when I was trying to say something positive about DH. He laughed in a comfortable way... and said “Mum, I know you’re trying to make us feel better, but you don’t have to lie”. It’s so tempting to say “Phew! Okay! Thanks babe..... let’s talk about what a total dish-rag he is!” but no.... I said “I’m not lying darling. ALL parents argue sometimes. Daddy and I don’t agree on what’s best for you at the moment, that’s all.” vomit.puke.bullsh*t.
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
The recovery....
Firstly, thank you SO MUCH to everyone for your wonderful words of support, encouragement and advice.
I did speak with Toto's Year 7 Advisor. I telephoned him this morning and asked him to keep an eye on Toto. I explained what was going on, and told him that Toto was extremely distressed and anxious and needed to know that there was someone in the school that he could talk to. I also asked him to please be discrete. He wasn't very comforting, but did say that he would talk to Toto during the day.
I then apologised to my Mum. She said that she understood.
I spent three hours sitting at the hospital with my friend today. She was re-admitted yesterday, after a couple of weeks of sliding backwards. It's so sad. So sad for her and so sad for her family. Still, she has a treatment plan and I'm confident that she won't be in there for nearly as long this time.
It did wear me out though. She relies upon me to convince her that she is capable of recovery. I know that I have to look after myself right now, in order to be able to look after my own family, but I can't refuse her in this time of need. I just can't.
By the time I got to Toto's school to collect him, I had a plan for a "recovery evening" for the three of us. It included a bit of baking, a favourite dinner, and a reward for completion of homework (a neck massage, a back tickle and favourite bedtime story).
By absolute chance, I met with the Year 7 advisor at the school gate, and he was much warmer in person. It's possible he's just not comfortable on the telephone. He was very understanding and supportive and reassured me immensely. By chance again, I met with the Principal and had another conversation with him about the situation. I was careful about what I said (I save my DH bagging for my blog) and kept my concerns limited to the impact of the court case on Toto, not the cause or content. He was wonderful. Absolutely wonderful.
And so, despite Toto and I having to lug his incredibly heavy cricket bag home on public transport, our recovery evening went beautifully to plan.
We baked brownies....
Licking the bowl while sitting in front of the oven watching the brownies baking
Completed all the homework.....
...and laughed together more than we have in weeks. It was perfect.
I did speak with Toto's Year 7 Advisor. I telephoned him this morning and asked him to keep an eye on Toto. I explained what was going on, and told him that Toto was extremely distressed and anxious and needed to know that there was someone in the school that he could talk to. I also asked him to please be discrete. He wasn't very comforting, but did say that he would talk to Toto during the day.
I then apologised to my Mum. She said that she understood.
I spent three hours sitting at the hospital with my friend today. She was re-admitted yesterday, after a couple of weeks of sliding backwards. It's so sad. So sad for her and so sad for her family. Still, she has a treatment plan and I'm confident that she won't be in there for nearly as long this time.
It did wear me out though. She relies upon me to convince her that she is capable of recovery. I know that I have to look after myself right now, in order to be able to look after my own family, but I can't refuse her in this time of need. I just can't.
By the time I got to Toto's school to collect him, I had a plan for a "recovery evening" for the three of us. It included a bit of baking, a favourite dinner, and a reward for completion of homework (a neck massage, a back tickle and favourite bedtime story).
By absolute chance, I met with the Year 7 advisor at the school gate, and he was much warmer in person. It's possible he's just not comfortable on the telephone. He was very understanding and supportive and reassured me immensely. By chance again, I met with the Principal and had another conversation with him about the situation. I was careful about what I said (I save my DH bagging for my blog) and kept my concerns limited to the impact of the court case on Toto, not the cause or content. He was wonderful. Absolutely wonderful.
And so, despite Toto and I having to lug his incredibly heavy cricket bag home on public transport, our recovery evening went beautifully to plan.
We baked brownies....
Licking the bowl while sitting in front of the oven watching the brownies bakingEDITED TO REMOVE CUTE PHOTO OF BOO LICKING THE INSIDE OF THE BOWL AT THE REQUEST (DEMAND, THREATENED TANTRUM) OF BOO
"Boo, could you get your head any further inside that bowl?"
Completed all the homework.....
...and laughed together more than we have in weeks. It was perfect.(and I know that they're in their underwear, but it's the first thing they do when they get in the door! Go figure!)
Oh... and on top of that...
my dear friend is back in the psychiatric hospital.
The stars are just not lining up right now.
The stars are just not lining up right now.
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
My newest love....
I'd like to introduce my newest love.....
His name is Charlie and he's 4 weeks old today. His mum is my "chosen sister".... her sister is my mum's god-daughter and her grandmother was my brother's teacher in Steiner school.
I spent a couple of hours cuddling him today. It was the most amazing therapy for me during this incredibly stressful time.
It seems to me that lots of my friends in blogland are having a really difficult time right now. I hope you can find a Charlie of your own for some cuddle-therapy.
His name is Charlie and he's 4 weeks old today. His mum is my "chosen sister".... her sister is my mum's god-daughter and her grandmother was my brother's teacher in Steiner school.
I spent a couple of hours cuddling him today. It was the most amazing therapy for me during this incredibly stressful time.
It seems to me that lots of my friends in blogland are having a really difficult time right now. I hope you can find a Charlie of your own for some cuddle-therapy.
Sunday, December 7, 2008
She's home!!!!!
I know I haven't been posting much about "her" lately. This was mainly because I didn't want to jinx things. It seemed that everytime I posted about her taking a step forwards, she took two steps back.
Also, I had an inkling that her daughter might have been reading my blog (damn site-meter!).
But she's now home. She came home yesterday and is pretty wobbly but I'm optimistic that this is THE home run.
Can't tell you how much I've been dying to tell you all.
any new readers who have no idea what I'm talking about can click here to find out more
Also, I had an inkling that her daughter might have been reading my blog (damn site-meter!).
But she's now home. She came home yesterday and is pretty wobbly but I'm optimistic that this is THE home run.
Can't tell you how much I've been dying to tell you all.
any new readers who have no idea what I'm talking about can click here to find out more
Friday, December 5, 2008
Flashback Friday....
Thanks to Le, I'm going to give you a glimpse into my life in the '80s.
Here is a pic of me at my 21st birthday party... smack in the middle of that notorious fashion decade. You're lucky it's not in colour, or you might be blinded by the gold colour of my glittery outfit.
Big hair, big shoulders, big nails, big cocktail.... *shudder*....
And here I am with my peeps, with the Sydney Town Hall behind us. My "uniform" was always to wear a blazer... unless it was boiling hot in which case it was a leotard under linen pants (or my favourite Stuart Membry shorts, M! Sorry.. can't find a pic of those!)....
I spent the end of the '80's living in the US. And I dyed my head dark brown (the one and only time in my life) to see in the new decade. This is me in NYC on the last day of the '80's....
I spent the beginning of the '80's in the whirl of the Sydney rock 'n roll scene, and the modelling scene. Superficiality at it's best. It's a time that I doubt will come again (way before grunge... it really was all champagne and cocaine) and I guess I was lucky to be a part of it, but it wasn't all happiness.
I then moved in to the corporate world.... when corporate greed was at it's zenith.... and life was all about long lunches and even longer expense accounts. It's quite amazing to think back upon it with the perspective of today's economy.
I'm still not quite sure why I had such a strong urge to leave my country, but I did. I happily exchanged designer outfits for t-shirts and cargo shorts and travelled from Backpacker Lodge to Backpacker Lodge. I was ribbed by my new friends about being the only backpacker travelling with a suitcase and a blow-dryer! Perhaps that's why I'm so extremely the other way these days!
The best thing about the '80's for me? The friends that I made in San Francisco. They still count amongst my closest friends today. I'm not sure if it's because we were thrown together in the horror of the aftermath of the '89 earthquake, or if it was kismit that put us all in that backpackers lodge at the same time. Whatever it was, I'm eternally grateful for it.
Here is a pic of me at my 21st birthday party... smack in the middle of that notorious fashion decade. You're lucky it's not in colour, or you might be blinded by the gold colour of my glittery outfit.
Big hair, big shoulders, big nails, big cocktail.... *shudder*....
And here I am with my peeps, with the Sydney Town Hall behind us. My "uniform" was always to wear a blazer... unless it was boiling hot in which case it was a leotard under linen pants (or my favourite Stuart Membry shorts, M! Sorry.. can't find a pic of those!)....
I spent the end of the '80's living in the US. And I dyed my head dark brown (the one and only time in my life) to see in the new decade. This is me in NYC on the last day of the '80's....
I spent the beginning of the '80's in the whirl of the Sydney rock 'n roll scene, and the modelling scene. Superficiality at it's best. It's a time that I doubt will come again (way before grunge... it really was all champagne and cocaine) and I guess I was lucky to be a part of it, but it wasn't all happiness.
I then moved in to the corporate world.... when corporate greed was at it's zenith.... and life was all about long lunches and even longer expense accounts. It's quite amazing to think back upon it with the perspective of today's economy.
I'm still not quite sure why I had such a strong urge to leave my country, but I did. I happily exchanged designer outfits for t-shirts and cargo shorts and travelled from Backpacker Lodge to Backpacker Lodge. I was ribbed by my new friends about being the only backpacker travelling with a suitcase and a blow-dryer! Perhaps that's why I'm so extremely the other way these days!
The best thing about the '80's for me? The friends that I made in San Francisco. They still count amongst my closest friends today. I'm not sure if it's because we were thrown together in the horror of the aftermath of the '89 earthquake, or if it was kismit that put us all in that backpackers lodge at the same time. Whatever it was, I'm eternally grateful for it.
Saturday, November 29, 2008
Moustache as theme....
Inigo (from Lara and Mark) turned one today. And, in celebration, his fabulously quirky parents threw him a party with a moustache theme. As you do. It was lovely. The food was incredible. Babies were making happy sounds. Birds were twittering.
Then my other Lara and I threw the kids into a restaurant and had a speedy dinner before she took all of them off to a movie so that I could come home and keep on with the legal stuff (hence the short post tonight).
It is an M rated movie. *gulp*. I’m usually a ratings-nazi. Still, it’s James Bond. How bad can it be?? (maybe you shouldn’t answer that one)
Spot the moustaches....
Then my other Lara and I threw the kids into a restaurant and had a speedy dinner before she took all of them off to a movie so that I could come home and keep on with the legal stuff (hence the short post tonight).
It is an M rated movie. *gulp*. I’m usually a ratings-nazi. Still, it’s James Bond. How bad can it be?? (maybe you shouldn’t answer that one)
Spot the moustaches....
Monday, November 24, 2008
Project SPOS update...
I'm over the hump. I'm still exhausted and overwhelmed, but I'm not wanting to crawl into a hole and give up.
Today was spent preparing my Affidavit in response to DH's. It's a HUGE task (made even huger without the diaries.. grrrr..) but my friend J helped me find a starting point and stuck around to help me clarify my thoughts and clearly articulate the truth as I know it.
I've just finished the 12 page Affidavit and am now about to start on the Response to his Application for Final Orders.
I'm seeing a lawyer on Wednesday (not sure if he's the right one for me, but if not I've still got time to see some other ones) and want to be uber-prepared. I simply do not have the funds to pay someone hundreds of bucks an hour to do the grunt work.
*sigh*
My getting over that initial melt down was hugely caused by your support. The kindness of strangers (all friends now) and friends has given light where there was none. If I'd done this without you, I would still be stuck. I'd still be "I can't talk about it"-ing and unable to accept support and kindness. You've helped me see that, tough as this will be, I'm truly not on my own.
Toto is still ill and at home. "She" is still in hospital and wondering why I'm not visiting her. The stars are still out of alignment for us, but now I know that they will find their way back to normal... eventually.
So, short and sweet for tonight... but filled with love and sincerity. And my heart-felt thanks.
Today was spent preparing my Affidavit in response to DH's. It's a HUGE task (made even huger without the diaries.. grrrr..) but my friend J helped me find a starting point and stuck around to help me clarify my thoughts and clearly articulate the truth as I know it.
I've just finished the 12 page Affidavit and am now about to start on the Response to his Application for Final Orders.
I'm seeing a lawyer on Wednesday (not sure if he's the right one for me, but if not I've still got time to see some other ones) and want to be uber-prepared. I simply do not have the funds to pay someone hundreds of bucks an hour to do the grunt work.
*sigh*
My getting over that initial melt down was hugely caused by your support. The kindness of strangers (all friends now) and friends has given light where there was none. If I'd done this without you, I would still be stuck. I'd still be "I can't talk about it"-ing and unable to accept support and kindness. You've helped me see that, tough as this will be, I'm truly not on my own.
Toto is still ill and at home. "She" is still in hospital and wondering why I'm not visiting her. The stars are still out of alignment for us, but now I know that they will find their way back to normal... eventually.
So, short and sweet for tonight... but filled with love and sincerity. And my heart-felt thanks.
Saturday, November 22, 2008
Searching.....
I’ve spent all day searching for old diaries. DH lied through his teeth about times that he’s had the kids, and I need them to find all my diary notes about dates and times. And I can’t find them. It’s incredible. I’ve literally spent 5 hours searching every drawer, every shelf, under every bed, through every bookcase, even in clothing drawers.
Now I’m the first to admit that my office is totally disorganised, but my search was so thorough that I’m convinced they aren’t in my flat. But where else would they be?
You can see the state of my mind. I’m trying desperately to focus on action, and being thwarted constantly. When I’m still, I cry.
I have, however, calculated the total outstanding amount of unpaid child support and spousal maintenance owed to me over the past 10 years. $327,342.86. And that doesn’t include any of the extra things that he was supposed to pay (school costs, uniforms, dental, health insurance etc). Oh, and it doesn’t include any child support for Boo (as he was born a week after the orders were made).
I don’t expect to get all of it, but I’m hoping it goes towards showing his attitude to parenting, and that perhaps I will get some of it (or at the very least have HIM pay my legal costs).
Oh, I’ve also found out that I will not only have to pay for my own lawyer, but also for separate lawyers for the boys if they want to have their say (which they do).
The next thing that I have to do is write an affidavit about DH’s behaviour towards the boys and his unwillingness to have them over the past 10 years. I can’t start that. Something in my mind snaps and I can’t think clearly.
They boys are now both ill. Very ill. Listless, cranky, coughing, feverish. I can feel it beginning with me too. I’m sure it will hit me when I stop my manic searching.
“She” is in a terrible condition. She has, understandably, lost all hope. I can’t help her at all. I need to stay away. For both our sakes. Still, she calls me .... asking for reassurance and advice. I give it to her, but I know I’m lying. And I’m terrified that she can hear that in my voice.
Now I’m the first to admit that my office is totally disorganised, but my search was so thorough that I’m convinced they aren’t in my flat. But where else would they be?
You can see the state of my mind. I’m trying desperately to focus on action, and being thwarted constantly. When I’m still, I cry.
I have, however, calculated the total outstanding amount of unpaid child support and spousal maintenance owed to me over the past 10 years. $327,342.86. And that doesn’t include any of the extra things that he was supposed to pay (school costs, uniforms, dental, health insurance etc). Oh, and it doesn’t include any child support for Boo (as he was born a week after the orders were made).
I don’t expect to get all of it, but I’m hoping it goes towards showing his attitude to parenting, and that perhaps I will get some of it (or at the very least have HIM pay my legal costs).
Oh, I’ve also found out that I will not only have to pay for my own lawyer, but also for separate lawyers for the boys if they want to have their say (which they do).
The next thing that I have to do is write an affidavit about DH’s behaviour towards the boys and his unwillingness to have them over the past 10 years. I can’t start that. Something in my mind snaps and I can’t think clearly.
They boys are now both ill. Very ill. Listless, cranky, coughing, feverish. I can feel it beginning with me too. I’m sure it will hit me when I stop my manic searching.
“She” is in a terrible condition. She has, understandably, lost all hope. I can’t help her at all. I need to stay away. For both our sakes. Still, she calls me .... asking for reassurance and advice. I give it to her, but I know I’m lying. And I’m terrified that she can hear that in my voice.
Friday, November 21, 2008
I don’t know how or what to write today, but I’m damned if I fail NaBloPoMo after all the effort I’ve put into it.
I feel like a chicken who has had it’s head chopped off and is still running around in circles. I think I’m reacting so badly to this because of the experience I had the first time DH took me to Family Court. It was incredibly bad. And it was 7 days before Boo’s birth.
My depression has come back full swing. I feel totally overwhelmed and unable to focus clearly. I am thinking in terms of all or nothing. I’m feeling incapable of taking this battle on.
Writing that last paragraph down has helped me. I can see that I won’t feel this way forever. I’ll get through this.
Thank you Guera for the list of lawyers. You’re a god-send. And thank you Kim for a lawyers’ name as well. I’m waiting for them all to get back to me.
The boys were meant to go away with DH this weekend but Toto is ill. Really ill with flu-like symptoms, fever and a terrible cough. I took him to the doctor today and he was prescribed complete bed-rest and quiet. Oh, and he’s highly contagious so we’ll all get it.
This means that he can’t go away this weekend. And Boo is refusing to go without him. Of course DH thinks that this is ME reacting to his litigiousness and is furious. He has said that he doesn't believe me and will go and speak to the doctor himself.
It’s actually more to do with sick kids wanting their Mum. Something which DH has encouraged over the years by always bringing them “home” to me whenever they were sick.
You know the one thing above all others that is killing me right now? I told DH on the phone (just before he hung up on me, telling me that he will not be speaking to me without his lawyer) that this is not about ME fighting him, but about HIM fighting the wishes of the boys. I begged him not to do this because the boys DO NOT want to spend every second week with him. I told him that if they did, I would agree to it. He said “They’ll just have to get used to it”.
What an uncaring, unfeeling cretin.
Oh, and in an awful awful awful awful twist, “she” is back in hospital. The universe is just not aligning for us at the moment. And I feel that I have nothing left in me to help her at the moment. But of course I can’t explain that to her, or tell her about this situation with DH. So, we’ll see ...
On a more heart-warming note..... this is Toto's painting that came home from school the other day...
I feel like a chicken who has had it’s head chopped off and is still running around in circles. I think I’m reacting so badly to this because of the experience I had the first time DH took me to Family Court. It was incredibly bad. And it was 7 days before Boo’s birth.
My depression has come back full swing. I feel totally overwhelmed and unable to focus clearly. I am thinking in terms of all or nothing. I’m feeling incapable of taking this battle on.
Writing that last paragraph down has helped me. I can see that I won’t feel this way forever. I’ll get through this.
Thank you Guera for the list of lawyers. You’re a god-send. And thank you Kim for a lawyers’ name as well. I’m waiting for them all to get back to me.
The boys were meant to go away with DH this weekend but Toto is ill. Really ill with flu-like symptoms, fever and a terrible cough. I took him to the doctor today and he was prescribed complete bed-rest and quiet. Oh, and he’s highly contagious so we’ll all get it.
This means that he can’t go away this weekend. And Boo is refusing to go without him. Of course DH thinks that this is ME reacting to his litigiousness and is furious. He has said that he doesn't believe me and will go and speak to the doctor himself.
It’s actually more to do with sick kids wanting their Mum. Something which DH has encouraged over the years by always bringing them “home” to me whenever they were sick.
You know the one thing above all others that is killing me right now? I told DH on the phone (just before he hung up on me, telling me that he will not be speaking to me without his lawyer) that this is not about ME fighting him, but about HIM fighting the wishes of the boys. I begged him not to do this because the boys DO NOT want to spend every second week with him. I told him that if they did, I would agree to it. He said “They’ll just have to get used to it”.
What an uncaring, unfeeling cretin.
Oh, and in an awful awful awful awful twist, “she” is back in hospital. The universe is just not aligning for us at the moment. And I feel that I have nothing left in me to help her at the moment. But of course I can’t explain that to her, or tell her about this situation with DH. So, we’ll see ...
On a more heart-warming note..... this is Toto's painting that came home from school the other day...
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
Bloggy Love....
I received an award today! The wonderful Lani from Me & Boo gave me one.... which prompted me to realise that she also gave me one back in October. One which I instantly forgot about and didn’t acknowledge. I’m so sorry Lani. I can only guess that I was a bit stressed at the time.
So today I’m acknowledging the first one....
.. This one has a questionnaire attached. So, here goes....
1. Have you had the same friends since childhood?
No. I lived outside Australia for too long in the years prior to email and lost contact with most of them. When I came home I found that we didn’t seem to have much in common and so I didn’t put the effort required into re-kindling the friendships. That shortsightedness on my behalf saddens me now.
I do, however, have friends from my late teens and early twenties. And I have kept pretty much every friend that I made when I lived overseas.
2. What do you value most about your friends?
Honesty. Trust. Kindness. Acceptance. Laughter. Our differences.
3. Are your friends your sounding boards?
Not all of the time. I’m actually mostly pretty uncomfortable when it comes to talking about myself in the real world. I think that’s why I’ve taken to the blogging world so eagerly.
4. What is your favorite activity to share with your friends?
Fun stuff. That includes, but is not limited to, indoor games, outdoor activities, sharing meals, holidays, e-mails. I’m not good at talking on the telephone. Oh, and I’d rather eat live maggots than go shopping with a friend. (What a cheerful girl I am today!)
Now... I am supposed to award this to four friends, but I’m going to give it to every one of my readers who is doing NaBloPoMo. We need all the help we can get!!
I’m saving the other award for another NaBloPoMo struggle-day.
PS. She’s home. A bit wobbly, but so-far so-good. Thanks for all support and good wishes. I know they all help.
PPS. Thank you Lani for all the bloggy-love!
So today I’m acknowledging the first one....
.. This one has a questionnaire attached. So, here goes....
1. Have you had the same friends since childhood?
No. I lived outside Australia for too long in the years prior to email and lost contact with most of them. When I came home I found that we didn’t seem to have much in common and so I didn’t put the effort required into re-kindling the friendships. That shortsightedness on my behalf saddens me now.
I do, however, have friends from my late teens and early twenties. And I have kept pretty much every friend that I made when I lived overseas.
2. What do you value most about your friends?
Honesty. Trust. Kindness. Acceptance. Laughter. Our differences.
3. Are your friends your sounding boards?
Not all of the time. I’m actually mostly pretty uncomfortable when it comes to talking about myself in the real world. I think that’s why I’ve taken to the blogging world so eagerly.
4. What is your favorite activity to share with your friends?
Fun stuff. That includes, but is not limited to, indoor games, outdoor activities, sharing meals, holidays, e-mails. I’m not good at talking on the telephone. Oh, and I’d rather eat live maggots than go shopping with a friend. (What a cheerful girl I am today!)
Now... I am supposed to award this to four friends, but I’m going to give it to every one of my readers who is doing NaBloPoMo. We need all the help we can get!!
I’m saving the other award for another NaBloPoMo struggle-day.
PS. She’s home. A bit wobbly, but so-far so-good. Thanks for all support and good wishes. I know they all help.
PPS. Thank you Lani for all the bloggy-love!
Monday, November 17, 2008
Cross everything.....
Things have been so great with "her". She is due to be discharged tomorrow, and so I went to visit her for a last "hoorah in the hospital".
And she received a phone call.
The kind of phone call that would send you spinning even if you were the healthiest, strongest person on the planet.
Her daughters' school telephoned. To tell her that her daughter threw her lunch out today, and refused to eat in front of the school counsellor.
Yes, her daughter has been required to eat her lunch in front of the school counsellor every day for the last month or so.
Because she has the beginnings of an eating disorder.
"Her" husband has taken their daughter to the doctor about it, after receiving a phone call from the school saying that teachers and pupils were concerned with her non-eating and weight-loss.
Today's phone call was an accident. The school was meant to discuss this only with her husband, and really messed up by calling her.
And she is in a spin. She is so close to the edge. Thank God I was there when she got the call.
Her husband and daughter came in to the hospital this evening to talk to her and her doctor, and nothing much was said.
I feel pleased that her daughter has been "found out" this early in her journey, and am confident that she will get the support and help that she needs to get through this before it becomes a major illness. I also think that this is a big cry for help from a 13 year old girl whose Mum has been so very ill and absent for such a long time. I feel that as "she" gets stronger, her daughter will also feel less out-of-control.
I am, however, extremely concerned about the impact of this news upon "her". The timing simply couldn't have been worse.
Please keep her in your thoughts.
And she received a phone call.
The kind of phone call that would send you spinning even if you were the healthiest, strongest person on the planet.
Her daughters' school telephoned. To tell her that her daughter threw her lunch out today, and refused to eat in front of the school counsellor.
Yes, her daughter has been required to eat her lunch in front of the school counsellor every day for the last month or so.
Because she has the beginnings of an eating disorder.
"Her" husband has taken their daughter to the doctor about it, after receiving a phone call from the school saying that teachers and pupils were concerned with her non-eating and weight-loss.
Today's phone call was an accident. The school was meant to discuss this only with her husband, and really messed up by calling her.
And she is in a spin. She is so close to the edge. Thank God I was there when she got the call.
Her husband and daughter came in to the hospital this evening to talk to her and her doctor, and nothing much was said.
I feel pleased that her daughter has been "found out" this early in her journey, and am confident that she will get the support and help that she needs to get through this before it becomes a major illness. I also think that this is a big cry for help from a 13 year old girl whose Mum has been so very ill and absent for such a long time. I feel that as "she" gets stronger, her daughter will also feel less out-of-control.
I am, however, extremely concerned about the impact of this news upon "her". The timing simply couldn't have been worse.
Please keep her in your thoughts.
Saturday, November 15, 2008
Thursday, November 13, 2008
I had a whole 'nother post planned for today....
(see? I am finally beginning to think ahead!)
.... but I needed to share with you the 9 (8.5?) most precious words in the English language....
Her: "Hi Fe. I think I've turned a corner!"
.... and by tone and content, she most certainly has! The ensuing conversation went something along the lines of ..
Fe: "Holy &*^%! That's wonderful!"
Her: "There's no need to swear about it!"
She sounds SO much better. And she FEELS so much better. And although there may still be some more dancing before we're outta there, I am just jumping with joy because this feels like the first time that I have had a conversation with the REAL her since before she was hospitalised.
Oh man! Today's a GOOD day!
.... but I needed to share with you the 9 (8.5?) most precious words in the English language....
Her: "Hi Fe. I think I've turned a corner!"
.... and by tone and content, she most certainly has! The ensuing conversation went something along the lines of ..
Fe: "Holy &*^%! That's wonderful!"
Her: "There's no need to swear about it!"
She sounds SO much better. And she FEELS so much better. And although there may still be some more dancing before we're outta there, I am just jumping with joy because this feels like the first time that I have had a conversation with the REAL her since before she was hospitalised.
Oh man! Today's a GOOD day!
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
In the nick of time....
I forgot. Yep, that's right. I almost forgot to blog today..... which would have meant that I had "failed" the NoBloPoMo task.
"She" is talking a lot about failing right now. Her doctors are talking with her about when she can go home, and the reality of that has sent her spinning into "magical thinking". In other words.... if THIS happens, I'll be okay. But if THAT happens, I'll have to kill myself. "And it will be okay because you will look after my children."
So I had to dob her in again. Geez I hate doing that. But I feel no guilt. Just sadness.
She IS getting better. But it's so slow, and it's such a dance (one step forwards, two steps backwards) that it's hard to see it as progress.
"She" is talking a lot about failing right now. Her doctors are talking with her about when she can go home, and the reality of that has sent her spinning into "magical thinking". In other words.... if THIS happens, I'll be okay. But if THAT happens, I'll have to kill myself. "And it will be okay because you will look after my children."
So I had to dob her in again. Geez I hate doing that. But I feel no guilt. Just sadness.
She IS getting better. But it's so slow, and it's such a dance (one step forwards, two steps backwards) that it's hard to see it as progress.
Saturday, November 8, 2008
Nothing Doing...
or Doing Nothing....
It's a kid-free day. My boys are with DH which means a Saturday without cricket. Without Uno. Without laughter and squabbles.
It's a hollow day.
But not a sad one.
My parents and I are going to the Sydney Theatre Company this afternoon to see "The Pig Iron People". Should be good.
And then tonight is a Bollywood-themed girls-night-in with my friend J and some of her friends. J shares my birthday tomorrow, so we're going to quietly celebrate early this year.
"Nothing Doing" could also be about my birthday. For the last couple of years I've held a party at the pub across the road, but I'm just not up for it this year. Next year I'll double my efforts and share the joy. Promise. This year just doesn't feel like much of a celebration. Especially without "her". Her birthday is the week after mine, and it feels wrong to do any celebrating while she's still so ill.
*sigh*
So, this is another NaBloPoMo post. A post for the sake of a post.
Sorry 'bout that.
It's a kid-free day. My boys are with DH which means a Saturday without cricket. Without Uno. Without laughter and squabbles.
It's a hollow day.
But not a sad one.
My parents and I are going to the Sydney Theatre Company this afternoon to see "The Pig Iron People". Should be good.
And then tonight is a Bollywood-themed girls-night-in with my friend J and some of her friends. J shares my birthday tomorrow, so we're going to quietly celebrate early this year.
"Nothing Doing" could also be about my birthday. For the last couple of years I've held a party at the pub across the road, but I'm just not up for it this year. Next year I'll double my efforts and share the joy. Promise. This year just doesn't feel like much of a celebration. Especially without "her". Her birthday is the week after mine, and it feels wrong to do any celebrating while she's still so ill.
*sigh*
So, this is another NaBloPoMo post. A post for the sake of a post.
Sorry 'bout that.
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