I found this very moving. I can only hope that this articulate young woman grows up and pursues a career in the UN. Or, at the very least, becomes a Prime Ministerial Speech Writer.
Sunday, March 29, 2009
Saturday, March 28, 2009
The phone call every parent dreads.....
Boo's school telephoned me on Friday.
"Ummm, this is Boo's school. He has had an accident in the playground and we think he might need some stitches in his face. He's in great distress. Can you come immediately or should we call an ambulance?"
I swear I went into shock before I had even hung up the phone. I don't remember anything of my drive to the school, but I will never forget his blood-soaked face and shirt and his howling cries when I arrived there.
He had been playing BullRush and had been accidentaly tripped up by a friend. Unfortunately he fell, while moving at great speed, into a wooden seat. His top lip was split completely through and his knees were pretty banged up. Other than that, and the danger that he might have been unconscious for a few seconds after the fall, he was mainly in shock.
I'm not the best when it comes to my own children's blood. I am THE person you want to have around if it's YOUR child who's bleeding, but I'm a mass of jelly when it's my own flesh and blood's blood.
Boo was howling that he didn't want to go to the hospital and I was trying to focus on soothing him and not having a car accident and not passing out myself...
Somehow we made it to the local Emergency room.... which was so full that people were actually waiting outside. A nearby Emergency room had closed down due to a fire the night before and this one was therefore catering for both.
It took a couple of hours to be seen by a doctor, who immediately called for a Plastic Surgeon to consult as the split lip was so serious. Another 2 hours and the Plastics doc got there, only to disappear again after having told our doctor how to stitch it.
It was horrendous. I swear the local anaesthetic didn't work. Boo was in such agony during the stitching that the doctor was tempted to cut the number of stitches in order to stop his pain. It was unbearable to watch. In fact, I can't believe that I did watch it. He squeezed my hands so hard that they are still a bit achey today. He screamed. Literally screamed. And he's not usually scared of pain.
And then he had to have TWO horrible horrible tetanus shots.
And the only thing he wanted for his reward for bravery (I would have given him the world at this point)? Five spicy chicken wings from a local chicken shop for dinner. Sheesh.
And to sleep in my bed.
It's a DH weekend this weekend. But he wanted to stay with me last night. DH picked him up this morning under strict instructions that Boo is not to over-exert himself, swim, get the stitches wet etc.
Keep your fingers crossed.
Me? I'm still a bit shaky and upset. It's going to be a big scar (unless he lets me massage him with Vitamin A for months afterwards) and he'll never be able to grow a mo (no big loss, I guess)... but hopefully his lip shape will be normal and there will be no other consequences. It's more the horror of seeing my baby in agony, and being reminded of the vulnerability of all that we have. It could have been so much worse.
I'm taking it slow today.
"Ummm, this is Boo's school. He has had an accident in the playground and we think he might need some stitches in his face. He's in great distress. Can you come immediately or should we call an ambulance?"
I swear I went into shock before I had even hung up the phone. I don't remember anything of my drive to the school, but I will never forget his blood-soaked face and shirt and his howling cries when I arrived there.
He had been playing BullRush and had been accidentaly tripped up by a friend. Unfortunately he fell, while moving at great speed, into a wooden seat. His top lip was split completely through and his knees were pretty banged up. Other than that, and the danger that he might have been unconscious for a few seconds after the fall, he was mainly in shock.
I'm not the best when it comes to my own children's blood. I am THE person you want to have around if it's YOUR child who's bleeding, but I'm a mass of jelly when it's my own flesh and blood's blood.
Boo was howling that he didn't want to go to the hospital and I was trying to focus on soothing him and not having a car accident and not passing out myself...
Somehow we made it to the local Emergency room.... which was so full that people were actually waiting outside. A nearby Emergency room had closed down due to a fire the night before and this one was therefore catering for both.
It took a couple of hours to be seen by a doctor, who immediately called for a Plastic Surgeon to consult as the split lip was so serious. Another 2 hours and the Plastics doc got there, only to disappear again after having told our doctor how to stitch it.
It was horrendous. I swear the local anaesthetic didn't work. Boo was in such agony during the stitching that the doctor was tempted to cut the number of stitches in order to stop his pain. It was unbearable to watch. In fact, I can't believe that I did watch it. He squeezed my hands so hard that they are still a bit achey today. He screamed. Literally screamed. And he's not usually scared of pain.
And then he had to have TWO horrible horrible tetanus shots.
And the only thing he wanted for his reward for bravery (I would have given him the world at this point)? Five spicy chicken wings from a local chicken shop for dinner. Sheesh.
And to sleep in my bed.
It's a DH weekend this weekend. But he wanted to stay with me last night. DH picked him up this morning under strict instructions that Boo is not to over-exert himself, swim, get the stitches wet etc.
Keep your fingers crossed.
Me? I'm still a bit shaky and upset. It's going to be a big scar (unless he lets me massage him with Vitamin A for months afterwards) and he'll never be able to grow a mo (no big loss, I guess)... but hopefully his lip shape will be normal and there will be no other consequences. It's more the horror of seeing my baby in agony, and being reminded of the vulnerability of all that we have. It could have been so much worse.
I'm taking it slow today.
My Kafka-esque world...
*Sigh*
Well.... the Child Support Agency Change of Assessment decision was handed down last week. It was decided slightly in my favour. That is, the amount of Child Support was increased. But by such a minimal amount that I feel wronged by the process anyway.
Then the system kicked in.
The amount doesn't matter. They still "can't" force him to pay it. The debt will grow, BUT.... it can be removed by a judge.
And, according to the opinion of my Child Support Agency rep, it is likely to happen, with a debt of this size.
See.... apparently in this country the onus is on the payee parent to ensure that her children survive (obviously thriving doesn't matter) without the paying parent's support. And if she/he does, the judge says "You survived without receiving the child support and therefore you don't need it now" and removes the debt. Never mind quality of life. Never mind the severely reduced circumstances and opportunities of the mother and the increased wealth of the father.
And therefore the paying parent gets away scot-free.
And because DH's debt, through the Child Support Agency, is over $100,000 (which is not a huge amount over 10 years), and because my children and I aren't living on the streets, I've obviously managed without it.
It's insane.
Kafka couldn't have made this up.
Well.... the Child Support Agency Change of Assessment decision was handed down last week. It was decided slightly in my favour. That is, the amount of Child Support was increased. But by such a minimal amount that I feel wronged by the process anyway.
Then the system kicked in.
The amount doesn't matter. They still "can't" force him to pay it. The debt will grow, BUT.... it can be removed by a judge.
And, according to the opinion of my Child Support Agency rep, it is likely to happen, with a debt of this size.
See.... apparently in this country the onus is on the payee parent to ensure that her children survive (obviously thriving doesn't matter) without the paying parent's support. And if she/he does, the judge says "You survived without receiving the child support and therefore you don't need it now" and removes the debt. Never mind quality of life. Never mind the severely reduced circumstances and opportunities of the mother and the increased wealth of the father.
And therefore the paying parent gets away scot-free.
And because DH's debt, through the Child Support Agency, is over $100,000 (which is not a huge amount over 10 years), and because my children and I aren't living on the streets, I've obviously managed without it.
It's insane.
Kafka couldn't have made this up.
Sunday, March 22, 2009
Boy Heaven....
This weekend was spent at a great friends' farm.
We "grown ups" cooked, walked, talked, went into "town" for coffee and supplies, read our books.....
... while the boys played cricket, watched "The Life of Brian" (insert evil mummy laugh here) and *gulp* had their first driving lessons.
They were actually bloody good! See for yourself!...
We "grown ups" cooked, walked, talked, went into "town" for coffee and supplies, read our books.....
... while the boys played cricket, watched "The Life of Brian" (insert evil mummy laugh here) and *gulp* had their first driving lessons.
They were actually bloody good! See for yourself!...
FAMILY COURT RALLY & PETITION Sunday 3rd MAY 2009
I've taken this straight off a Facebook Group of the same name.
Please sign this petition even if you live outside of Australia. It's an issue which affects so many of our children and our government MUST do something about it....
The death of so many of our country's children at the hand of their parents have shocked us all.
But have they shocked Australian politicians enough to make them review and amend the way the Family Court of Australia deals with children where domestic violence or sexual abuse allegations are made?
We hope so.
We are organizing this petition and a rally to be held in every capital city in Australia.
PLEASE SIGN THE FOLLOWING PETITION
http://www.gopetition.com.au/petitions/family-court-of-australia-amendments.html
Parents (and their family) currently involved in FCA dispute will need to wear red hoods or scarves to disguise themselves so they can't be identified for legal reasons.
Red will signify the blood of Australian children being shed by FCA orders which force children to have access to, or shared care with parents who are violent or sexually abusive.
Please read the discussion forum to see what you can do, the latest updates on the organizing, and more information about the protest.
Importantly, please sign the petition and send it to your networks, personally asking them to pass it on. This is how we CAN make a difference.
We already have media interest and dozens of volunteers helping with this. Be part of an event that will help save children's lives.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This is an extract of a letter sent to the Attorney General's Dept recently. It was forwarded to me by Prof Freda Briggs.
You might find the list of incidents at the end of the extract, pretty amazing. I did.
"Since the reforms of 1996 and 2006, there is a palpable reluctance by the courts to reduce contact between parents and children, even when there is ample evidence that one parent has engaged in behaviours congruent with domestic violence or 'intimate terrorism' as described by the AIFS study where category C is ascribed to the most severe form of interpersonal violence. This is also in spite of The Family Law Act 1975, (Cth) s60B, (b) and (c). Justice Wall from the UK has stated that,
"I was concerned to read in a number of places in the files that reliance was placed on the proposition that it may be safe to order contact where domestic violence had been perpetrated on the mother, but not on the child. In my judgment it needs to be recalled that Drs Sturge and Glaser pointed out that domestic violence involved "a very serious and significant failure in parenting- failure to protect the child and failure to protect the child emotionally (and in some cases physically) - which meets the definition of child abuse. It is, in my view, high time that the Family Justice System abandoned any reliance on the proposition that a man can have a history of violence to the mother of his children but, nonetheless, be a good father."
"However, in Australia the reasoning seems to indicate that the judiciary continues to believe that a parent who has been physically violent to the other does not indicate that they are a danger to the children of the marriage. For example;
"However, on the father's own admission, he has acted in ways that would bear the description of "domestic violence". This includes putting his hands around the neck of the mother. It may be also that other conduct, though falling short of physical assault, but which was aggressive and angry, would also fit that description. He was probably controlling and dominant in the relationship with the mother. This might also fit the description of domestic violence. As well, he was a times physically domineering in applying physical discipline to [the 18 month old child], such as straddling her on the bed and holding her head or face to ensure her attention. All of these behaviours are indications of an approach to relationships and parenting, less than optimal, in times past. As well, it is clear enough that he has not been alert to crossing personal boundaries."
This father continues to have unsupervised contact with this child.
The causal factors between the dynamic of domestic violence, its range of indicators and the dangers this behaviour poses to the children of the marriage continue to be ignored by the judiciary, report writers, the legal practitioners and even the police department. This has resulted in the growing list of deaths of children from a family of origin where domestic violence can be ascribed as the feature of the breakdown in the relationship. Fears for the safety of children are ignored. Consider the following sample:
• 1996 - January 25: Peter May shot and killed his three children, Lisa eleven, Andrew eight, and Natalie seven during a contact visit. On the same day, he also killed his wife and her parents. May's history of domestic violence and links to the Men's Rights Agency was commonly known and reported,
• 1998 – October 23: After Ronald Jonkers lost custody of Aaron DeBaugy 5, Ashlee seventeen months and David seven, he poisoned them by carbon monoxide in their car on a contact visit in Perth,
• 1999 – August: WA four young children were gassed along with their father Mark Heath after a family court dispute,
• 2000 - Rhonda Bartley was shot dead by her ex-partner in Berri while attending a court ordered contact handover of their baby daughter,
• 2001 - September: Mikaylah Green eleven weeks, Taylah Pringle eleven months and Jackson Merrott six, were smothered by their father on a contact visit in Sydney,
• 2002- Ana Hardwick 35 is strangled by her former partner after the family court granted her custody of their eleven and eight year old children,
• 2004 – April 26: Jessie Dalton nineteen months and Patrick Dalton thirteen weeks were smothered by their separated father Jayson Dalton after a family court order to him to return the infants to their mother Dionne,
• 2005 – 4th September: Robert Farquharson killed his sons Jai ten, Tyler seven, and Bailey two, by driving them into a dam in Winchelsea, south-west of Melbourne on Fathers' Day contact visit,
• 2008 – May 9: The body of three year old Imran Zilic, was found after his father threw him down a mine on an access visit,
• 2008 – January 3: Christopher McEwen raped and then killed his daughter Rhiannon McEwen on Bribie Island on New Years Eve. The matter of the children's residency was before the Family Court in 2004 where the father was given residency of all three children. It is not known to this writer if it was by consent. However, this father was cleared by a psychiatrist to leave a Brisbane hospital's mental health unit just nine days before he allegedly raped and murdered his ten-year-old daughter. Queensland Health did not report the man – who had spent two weeks as an involuntary patient in the hospital's mental health unit – to the Department of Child Safety. Given this man's mental condition, the question is how in 2004 was it that he obtained sole custody of his four children aged between six and ten?
• 2009 – January 29: Arthur Freeman unbuckled Darcey from her seat in the family Toyota Land Cruiser on the West Gate Bridge about 9.15am and threw her over the edge and into the Yarra River 58m below. She died in hospital four hours later. The tragedy occurred one day after the Freemans had reached an agreement over access to Darcey and their two other children, Benjamin six, and Jackson two, following their separation in 2007. "
Please sign this petition even if you live outside of Australia. It's an issue which affects so many of our children and our government MUST do something about it....
The death of so many of our country's children at the hand of their parents have shocked us all.
But have they shocked Australian politicians enough to make them review and amend the way the Family Court of Australia deals with children where domestic violence or sexual abuse allegations are made?
We hope so.
We are organizing this petition and a rally to be held in every capital city in Australia.
PLEASE SIGN THE FOLLOWING PETITION
http://www.gopetition.com.
Parents (and their family) currently involved in FCA dispute will need to wear red hoods or scarves to disguise themselves so they can't be identified for legal reasons.
Red will signify the blood of Australian children being shed by FCA orders which force children to have access to, or shared care with parents who are violent or sexually abusive.
Please read the discussion forum to see what you can do, the latest updates on the organizing, and more information about the protest.
Importantly, please sign the petition and send it to your networks, personally asking them to pass it on. This is how we CAN make a difference.
We already have media interest and dozens of volunteers helping with this. Be part of an event that will help save children's lives.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This is an extract of a letter sent to the Attorney General's Dept recently. It was forwarded to me by Prof Freda Briggs.
You might find the list of incidents at the end of the extract, pretty amazing. I did.
"Since the reforms of 1996 and 2006, there is a palpable reluctance by the courts to reduce contact between parents and children, even when there is ample evidence that one parent has engaged in behaviours congruent with domestic violence or 'intimate terrorism' as described by the AIFS study where category C is ascribed to the most severe form of interpersonal violence. This is also in spite of The Family Law Act 1975, (Cth) s60B, (b) and (c). Justice Wall from the UK has stated that,
"I was concerned to read in a number of places in the files that reliance was placed on the proposition that it may be safe to order contact where domestic violence had been perpetrated on the mother, but not on the child. In my judgment it needs to be recalled that Drs Sturge and Glaser pointed out that domestic violence involved "a very serious and significant failure in parenting- failure to protect the child and failure to protect the child emotionally (and in some cases physically) - which meets the definition of child abuse. It is, in my view, high time that the Family Justice System abandoned any reliance on the proposition that a man can have a history of violence to the mother of his children but, nonetheless, be a good father."
"However, in Australia the reasoning seems to indicate that the judiciary continues to believe that a parent who has been physically violent to the other does not indicate that they are a danger to the children of the marriage. For example;
"However, on the father's own admission, he has acted in ways that would bear the description of "domestic violence". This includes putting his hands around the neck of the mother. It may be also that other conduct, though falling short of physical assault, but which was aggressive and angry, would also fit that description. He was probably controlling and dominant in the relationship with the mother. This might also fit the description of domestic violence. As well, he was a times physically domineering in applying physical discipline to [the 18 month old child], such as straddling her on the bed and holding her head or face to ensure her attention. All of these behaviours are indications of an approach to relationships and parenting, less than optimal, in times past. As well, it is clear enough that he has not been alert to crossing personal boundaries."
This father continues to have unsupervised contact with this child.
The causal factors between the dynamic of domestic violence, its range of indicators and the dangers this behaviour poses to the children of the marriage continue to be ignored by the judiciary, report writers, the legal practitioners and even the police department. This has resulted in the growing list of deaths of children from a family of origin where domestic violence can be ascribed as the feature of the breakdown in the relationship. Fears for the safety of children are ignored. Consider the following sample:
• 1996 - January 25: Peter May shot and killed his three children, Lisa eleven, Andrew eight, and Natalie seven during a contact visit. On the same day, he also killed his wife and her parents. May's history of domestic violence and links to the Men's Rights Agency was commonly known and reported,
• 1998 – October 23: After Ronald Jonkers lost custody of Aaron DeBaugy 5, Ashlee seventeen months and David seven, he poisoned them by carbon monoxide in their car on a contact visit in Perth,
• 1999 – August: WA four young children were gassed along with their father Mark Heath after a family court dispute,
• 2000 - Rhonda Bartley was shot dead by her ex-partner in Berri while attending a court ordered contact handover of their baby daughter,
• 2001 - September: Mikaylah Green eleven weeks, Taylah Pringle eleven months and Jackson Merrott six, were smothered by their father on a contact visit in Sydney,
• 2002- Ana Hardwick 35 is strangled by her former partner after the family court granted her custody of their eleven and eight year old children,
• 2004 – April 26: Jessie Dalton nineteen months and Patrick Dalton thirteen weeks were smothered by their separated father Jayson Dalton after a family court order to him to return the infants to their mother Dionne,
• 2005 – 4th September: Robert Farquharson killed his sons Jai ten, Tyler seven, and Bailey two, by driving them into a dam in Winchelsea, south-west of Melbourne on Fathers' Day contact visit,
• 2008 – May 9: The body of three year old Imran Zilic, was found after his father threw him down a mine on an access visit,
• 2008 – January 3: Christopher McEwen raped and then killed his daughter Rhiannon McEwen on Bribie Island on New Years Eve. The matter of the children's residency was before the Family Court in 2004 where the father was given residency of all three children. It is not known to this writer if it was by consent. However, this father was cleared by a psychiatrist to leave a Brisbane hospital's mental health unit just nine days before he allegedly raped and murdered his ten-year-old daughter. Queensland Health did not report the man – who had spent two weeks as an involuntary patient in the hospital's mental health unit – to the Department of Child Safety. Given this man's mental condition, the question is how in 2004 was it that he obtained sole custody of his four children aged between six and ten?
• 2009 – January 29: Arthur Freeman unbuckled Darcey from her seat in the family Toyota Land Cruiser on the West Gate Bridge about 9.15am and threw her over the edge and into the Yarra River 58m below. She died in hospital four hours later. The tragedy occurred one day after the Freemans had reached an agreement over access to Darcey and their two other children, Benjamin six, and Jackson two, following their separation in 2007. "
Friday, March 13, 2009
I feel like a new woman....
I've just been to the hairdresser! First time in 8 months (I was going to name this post "Eight Months Between Roots" but I wasn't sure that my non-Australian friends would understand the humour in that one).
3 hours of having foils put in, taken out, my hair washed, a treatment and a head massage, and I truly do feel amazingly different. No wonder some women do this every month!
Toto came home after school to do an assignment, as he feels that he can't do it at DH's house. He says that DH doesn't help him with his homework when he's stuck, and gives him a set time limit in which to complete it. If he doesn't manage it all in that time, DH gets angry and tells him that he has to take the consequences at school.
Boo organised a playdate across the road so that he would be here when DH came to collect them both at 6pm.
So, now they're both gone and I'm facing a weekend of selfishness. I've got two books lined up that I've been longing to read... and a list of movies that I'd love to see. And other than that... I plan to sleep. Next week is going to be huge. Family Court ordered counselling on Monday and a couple of big jobs during the week.
Can you tell that I'm feeling enormously better?
3 hours of having foils put in, taken out, my hair washed, a treatment and a head massage, and I truly do feel amazingly different. No wonder some women do this every month!
Toto came home after school to do an assignment, as he feels that he can't do it at DH's house. He says that DH doesn't help him with his homework when he's stuck, and gives him a set time limit in which to complete it. If he doesn't manage it all in that time, DH gets angry and tells him that he has to take the consequences at school.
Boo organised a playdate across the road so that he would be here when DH came to collect them both at 6pm.
So, now they're both gone and I'm facing a weekend of selfishness. I've got two books lined up that I've been longing to read... and a list of movies that I'd love to see. And other than that... I plan to sleep. Next week is going to be huge. Family Court ordered counselling on Monday and a couple of big jobs during the week.
Can you tell that I'm feeling enormously better?
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Oooooh I'm cross.....
I mentioned in my last post that I've had quite a bit of work over the past couple of weeks. Amongst that was a lot of preparative work for a collaboration with someone else for ongoing seminars. Meetings have been held, websites have been created, rooms booked and p.r. companies have been hired. Hours of creative mind-melding work (challenging at the moment) have been wrung out of my exhausted brain.
And today we had a meeting.
I've been a little bit protective of my "product" as I have no way of legally protecting the content that makes me "stand out above the crowd". But today's meeting was about discussing specific content and examples. And I gave those freely.
And at the end of the meeting, I was told that an ex-co-worker of his had recently returned from London and would possibly therefore be presenting the first couple of seminars with him. I could still, of course, pass on to my clients the marketing information as the seminar will be so incredibly useful to them.
I was speechless.
No amount of "of course we may still use you for other ones in the future" could bring my chin up off the floor.
I feel violated. And SO pissed off because I had allowed myself to count on the income to get me out of the mess I'm in.
And I have no one to blame but myself.
And today we had a meeting.
I've been a little bit protective of my "product" as I have no way of legally protecting the content that makes me "stand out above the crowd". But today's meeting was about discussing specific content and examples. And I gave those freely.
And at the end of the meeting, I was told that an ex-co-worker of his had recently returned from London and would possibly therefore be presenting the first couple of seminars with him. I could still, of course, pass on to my clients the marketing information as the seminar will be so incredibly useful to them.
I was speechless.
No amount of "of course we may still use you for other ones in the future" could bring my chin up off the floor.
I feel violated. And SO pissed off because I had allowed myself to count on the income to get me out of the mess I'm in.
And I have no one to blame but myself.
Saturday, March 7, 2009
I don't want to jinx anything.... but.....
... apart from spending yesterday crying for absolutely no reason... I'm feeling a bit better.
It's amazing how light things seem when the darkness begins to lift. Every single action, every obligation, every otherwise enjoyable event has seemed like an insurmountable challenge. I've enjoyed things during this time... but the effort to get to things, or prepare for things has worn me out. And I've needed recovery time. Lots.
One of the most noticeable things for me was my loss of confidence. I decided that my photography skills were shockingly pathetic, my Photoshop skills even more so, and that I was kidding myself if I thought that I could write a sentence worth publishing on a world-wide forum. I'm still feeling pretty shaky about those three things, but I'm reminding myself that I'm not doing this for any reason other than my own desire to connect with other wonderful like-minded bloggers. And that they you are not judging me.
I've also been working quite a lot over the last few weeks... minus my normally wonderful confidence. It has been totally exhausting, sometimes uncomfortable and, had I not known that this was not my "normal" state of operating, I would have been thrown into a turmoil about my professional skills and abilities.
And, of course, the legal crap continues. Painfully slowly. Inchingly, revoltingly slowly. DH and I have had one of the arbitrations cancelled. It was quite hilarious actually. Hmmm. We had a Social Security Appeals Tribunal pre-arbitration phone conference regarding DH's objection to a decision by the Child Support Agency that went in my favour. His objection was completely irrelevant to the actual decision and it didn't take long for the SSAT representative to point that out to DH. He dismissed the Appeal that same day. One thing that did come out of the phone call was that DH has lodged another case against me in the Family Court. One that I have not been notified about yet. Something else to look forward to.
That same afternoon Toto had a "Meet The Teachers" bbq at his school. Which meant that I had to see, and even talk to, DH. I didn't stop shaking for about 12 hours from the effort required to maintain an even keel. My darling Toto said "Mum, I'm really proud of you... You're doing such a good job of being nice to Dad" which of course kept me seemingly calm and focussed.
This was one of the highlights of the past couple of weeks... actually it was two of the highlights as we were lucky enough to be able to meet up twice....
So.... hopefully the skies will stay brighter in my perspective for a while. I know that I am not broken. I simply have too much stress in my life right now and will need to manage my time and resources better to avoid this kind of extended darkness.
The tears that continue to roll are more about what my boys are feeling. I stole a look at Toto's English book at school the other day. Under the heading "My Family" he wrote about his divorced parents both wanting him to live with them. And he wrote "but I prefer to live with my Mum". I hadn't realised how much I needed to see those words. To know that, despite their adamant spoken words to me, they weren't just telling me what they thought I wanted to hear.
This is the only photograph that I've taken over the past month or so that I actually really like. Boo is concentrating on his Nintendo DS... lying next to me on my bed... with the strong western sunlight mottled by the blind. They're growing so quickly at the moment and I'm trying to capture those childish expressions that will soon disappear. Not so easy as they've both suddenly become quite camera shy. Bugger.
It's amazing how light things seem when the darkness begins to lift. Every single action, every obligation, every otherwise enjoyable event has seemed like an insurmountable challenge. I've enjoyed things during this time... but the effort to get to things, or prepare for things has worn me out. And I've needed recovery time. Lots.
One of the most noticeable things for me was my loss of confidence. I decided that my photography skills were shockingly pathetic, my Photoshop skills even more so, and that I was kidding myself if I thought that I could write a sentence worth publishing on a world-wide forum. I'm still feeling pretty shaky about those three things, but I'm reminding myself that I'm not doing this for any reason other than my own desire to connect with other wonderful like-minded bloggers. And that they you are not judging me.
I've also been working quite a lot over the last few weeks... minus my normally wonderful confidence. It has been totally exhausting, sometimes uncomfortable and, had I not known that this was not my "normal" state of operating, I would have been thrown into a turmoil about my professional skills and abilities.
And, of course, the legal crap continues. Painfully slowly. Inchingly, revoltingly slowly. DH and I have had one of the arbitrations cancelled. It was quite hilarious actually. Hmmm. We had a Social Security Appeals Tribunal pre-arbitration phone conference regarding DH's objection to a decision by the Child Support Agency that went in my favour. His objection was completely irrelevant to the actual decision and it didn't take long for the SSAT representative to point that out to DH. He dismissed the Appeal that same day. One thing that did come out of the phone call was that DH has lodged another case against me in the Family Court. One that I have not been notified about yet. Something else to look forward to.
That same afternoon Toto had a "Meet The Teachers" bbq at his school. Which meant that I had to see, and even talk to, DH. I didn't stop shaking for about 12 hours from the effort required to maintain an even keel. My darling Toto said "Mum, I'm really proud of you... You're doing such a good job of being nice to Dad" which of course kept me seemingly calm and focussed.
This was one of the highlights of the past couple of weeks... actually it was two of the highlights as we were lucky enough to be able to meet up twice....
So.... hopefully the skies will stay brighter in my perspective for a while. I know that I am not broken. I simply have too much stress in my life right now and will need to manage my time and resources better to avoid this kind of extended darkness.
The tears that continue to roll are more about what my boys are feeling. I stole a look at Toto's English book at school the other day. Under the heading "My Family" he wrote about his divorced parents both wanting him to live with them. And he wrote "but I prefer to live with my Mum". I hadn't realised how much I needed to see those words. To know that, despite their adamant spoken words to me, they weren't just telling me what they thought I wanted to hear.
This is the only photograph that I've taken over the past month or so that I actually really like. Boo is concentrating on his Nintendo DS... lying next to me on my bed... with the strong western sunlight mottled by the blind. They're growing so quickly at the moment and I'm trying to capture those childish expressions that will soon disappear. Not so easy as they've both suddenly become quite camera shy. Bugger.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
