I couldn't make this stuff up!

Boo has been getting sicker and sicker, and today he had a massive nose bleed which took half an hour or more to stop and which prompted me to telephone the doctor to ask whether I should take him for a Swine Flu swab.

He said that they weren't swabbing for it anymore, as the process itself is highly contagious, and that as they had had so many other cases of Swine Flu diagnosed in their surgery, they were able to recognise it and give out free Tamiflu to anyone who showed severe flu like symptoms.

So, I took Boo to the surgery this afternoon. The Doc was able to instantly diagnose Swine Flu from his high temperature and his whole demeanor. He also took one look at me, said "You look awful", took my temperature, listened to my chest, looked in my ears and said "You have it too".

Honestly... I broke out into a huge grin (I'm still spontaneously giggling) at the absurdity of it all! I should definitely buy a Lottery ticket.

We're quarantined until we are better. We both feel like crap. Toto is fine so far (touch wood) as are my parents.

Edited to add...

It's not considered dangerous for either of us. Just unpleasant.

I don't really have the words...

... and I'm trying SO hard to make this a learning experience rather than spiraling downwards and sitting in the corner in a fetal position screaming and rocking and pulling my own hair out.

We walked out of the Mediation with an agreement. Both sides agreed to what was written down during the meeting. The next step... transferring the agreement to a court document and lodging it with the court.... was meant to be a formality only.

Until this afternoon.

SmartGirl received a letter from DH's lawyer saying that he was not going to sign the document unless he received an extra 3 nights a fortnight.

WTF?

I only agreed to the extra 1 night in order to expedite the end of this trauma for the boys and to allow them to rest assured that their parents had been able to come to an agreement.

And now this.

We're stuck.

It will probably have to go to a judge now.

And who knows what the outcome will be.

I simply CANNOT believe that DH has done this! He just KEEPS damaging our children intentionally. It is too much for me to take in. Surely this is an example of his total and utter lack of concern for their welfare?

I'm not going to tell the boys anything about this at all. I guess they'll resent me for this if the outcome is unfavourable, but I simply cannot put them through any more of this.

Oh God I blogged too soon....

Poor Toto completely lost it. The rosy shine wore off MUCH sooner than I anticipated.

He's thought ahead to the reality of it all and has decided that it's all too much. He just can't deal with all of the practical aspects of the extra night (school uniforms, musical instruments, air league uniforms etc) letalone the extra night away from me.

I've put him back to bed with promises of late night drives across the Harbour Bridge to deliver mislaid or forgotten items (boy am I going to regret making THAT promise) and letters to all of his teachers explaining his change of living circumstances and asking for leniency with regard to missing textbooks and homework not done.

And he's angry with me for agreeing to the change.

I know, I know. I know that I had no choice and that he's an emotional lad, but right now I feel like I've sold my children for a piece of silver.

Let's hope a good nights' sleep and a few weeks of adjusting to the idea makes things easier.

For all of us.

The boys reaction...

... was amazing.

They basically said that they were incredibly happy and relieved that they didn't have to live with him half of the time. They said that they could cope with one extra night.

Both of them commented that they were really pleased that we had been able to agree on an outcome, and that they were extra extra pleased that we didn't have to go through any more of this stress.

So... we celebrated with my parents and laughed and chatted and were more relaxed than we have been in... oh.... about 8 months.

We're home now, and they've just had a physical fight over who is having the first shower. Things really ARE back to normal!

Primary School for Pilots.....

Toto has recently joined the Australian Air League. It is an organisation open to boys and girls from 8 years of age onwards who are passionate about flying as a career or as a hobby.

Toto has known that he wanted to be a pilot from the time that he could talk. In fact, his very first word, after Dadda and Mumma, was "ANE!" with finger pointed excitedly towards the sky. My Dad was a Navigator during WWII, and has encouraged Toto by allowing him to use his sophisticated Flight Simulator software from a very early age. Toto has enough simulated real-time flying hours under his belt to have his pilots' licence already!

One of the best things about the Air League for Toto is that it gives him an opportunity to actually have his pilots' licence before he is of age to get his drivers' licence. The Air League owns a flying school just outside Sydney where the Air League members can learn to fly for a fraction of the cost of non-members. At the Air League meetings, he will gain his Navigation and Aviation Theory certificates, as well as other qualifications required to gain his pilots' licence.

The Air League members are highly regarded by the Australian Air Force and the Qantas Pilot Cadet programme... both of which are notoriously difficult to get into. Toto has his heart set on entering the Qantas Cadet Programme when he finishes school.

Toto's Squadron (he's on the far left)

Yesterday was a parade through Sydney to celebrate the 75th Anniversary of the Australian Air League. Toto belongs to the very first Air League Squadron, and was therefore marching at the front of the entire parade. I've got to say that I never EVER thought I'd see my child marching in uniform through the city, and I was pretty blase about the whole thing. Especially when I was up late the night before ironing and sewing patches on his uniform. The reality of the experience, and knowing how much it meant to him, changed all of that for me on the day.

They marched from Martin Place along George Street and then down to Tumbalong Park in Darling Harbour, where they stood on full Parade, in the blaring late Autumn sun, while the ceremonial aspects of the day were carried out.

The Governor General of NSW, Marie Bashir, was there to hand out awards to Squadrons and individuals. It took a loooong time.

And proved to be too much for many of the children. Toto included.

Re-hydrating in the shade, before marching back out onto Parade.

When the whole thing had finished, Toto and I had a celebratory late lunch in Chinatown before being picked up by the friend who was looking after Boo, and driven home. Exhausted. And very proud.

Aliens...

The following conversation took place tonight ONE HOUR before the boys usual bedtime... the time of night when we're rushing to finish homework, pack schoolbags, shower, brush teeth and make it into bed by 8.30pm.

Fe: "Toto..... have you had your shower yet?"

Toto: "Yes Mummy!"

Fe: "Boo.... What about you? Have you had your shower yet?"

Boo: "Yes Mummy!"

Fe: (calling out from the living room) "Where are you?"

Toto and Boo: "In bed!"

Fe: "Have you brushed your teeth?"

Toto and Boo: "Yes Mummy!"

Fe : "BOTH of you?!?"

Toto and Boo: "Yes Mummy!"

Fe: "Aaaauuurrrgggghhhh! Aliens have taken over my children! Are you my children or are you aliens?"

Toto and Boo: "Aliens!!" (Followed by me rushing in to remove the aliens and bring my boys back to life.)

Seriously.

Toto is now asleep and Boo is reading in bed.

Unbelievable.

Slow start... spectacular finish....

They bounced through the door at 7.40pm screaming "Mummy! We've missed you!!!" and both burst into tears. Which of course meant that I burst into tears too.

They then very enthusiastically gave me their pressies.... aromatherapy oils which they had carefully picked themselves and just beautiful cards with the most amazing declarations of love from such young boys.

They had asked DH if they could come home early to spend some time with me, but he took them to celebrate Mother's Day with his cousin instead. Both were miserable all day. I think seeing other kids hanging out with their own Mum on this day was very hard for them.

Apparently dinner was only watermelon, so both were starving.

So... *sigh* .... we all had a miserable day without each other but a wonderful slice of gooey-ickey love at the very end.

I so appreciate the good moments.

UNbelievable....

Despite everything that he was told in the Family Court Ordered Counselling session (here) about the boys' wishes and that in the opinion of the Counsellor (who has 25 years of experience as a Family Court Counsellor) :

• It would NOT be in the best interests of the boys to change the current living arrangements
• DH's relationship with the boys will deteriorate dramatically if he continues the legal action
• Both boys STRONGLY do not want to change the current living arrangements
  

.....*breathe Fe breathe*.....

.... DH is continuing with the legal action.

Never mind that, in the counselling session, he agreed to work out a parenting plan with the counsellor and me.

Never mind that he knows that this stuff is damaging our children in ways which we may never ever know.

I'm SO pissed off. And I'm pissed off with myself for believing YET AGAIN that he could possibly put the children's needs before his own. And I'm shattered and horrified by the devastation that will cause my boys. They have been different children since being told that there was every chance that the legal stuff would stop.

And I think I was right to tell them that. After all, DH did agree to it. I even questioned his agreeing to it and he emphasised that he would do it.

I knew that we still had a road to go to actually work out a parenting plan... but it would be nothing compared to the road we're on which ultimately leads to a Judicial Registrar deciding what's best for our children based upon whose lawyer is best able to articulate, instead of listening to what is actually best for the boys.

Now it's about the children seeing their own lawyer and then all 3 lawyers battling it out. And if we don't come to an agreement, then it's up to the Judicial Registrar. Oh, and the Counsellor's report may or may not be taken into account by the Judicial Registrar. It's up to them.

The boys' have an appointment with their lawyer this Thursday. They're with DH all this week. Which means that I won't see them before then. I can call them on their mobile phones, but DH always stays nearby and they are uncomfortable talking to me that way. Still, knowing how intimidated they are by him, I will call them before their appointment just to tell them to stick to their truths and to say the same things that they said to the Counsellor. Just pray that their phones are on and within range.

I spoke to my lawyer today, and he said that DH's lawyer was encouraging DH to battle this out. My lawyer ran into her at Court today, and apparently she told him to tell his client (me) to reach a compromise.

Oh, and that they were attaching NEW orders to get rid of the Spousal Maintenance. He's never paid a cent of that anyway. Not ONE cent. I'm happy to get rid of that. I just wish I could use it as leverage to get him to LEAVE MY CHILDREN ALONE.

Sorry for the rant.

I'm just so incredibly pissed off.

My beautiful boys....

Toto

Boo

Poor Toto...

The boys were incredibly upset about leaving me for a whole week yesterday. Especially Toto.

It is absolutely devastating to see your child heaving and crying and begging you not to make them go.

I held it together until they left, and then completely lost it myself.

All I could say to reassure them was "Daddy really loves you.... and if he gets angry you can think in your mind that he really loves you but doesn't know how else to behave". How difficult is that going to be for 10 and 12 year olds?

I just didn't know what else to say.

Woof woof....

Happy Good Friday everyone... from my germ-riddled home to yours!

Yes, I'm sick as a dog. Barking sick. No voice. Blocked nose. Fever. Headache. And I'm not handling it well. I'm calling it "Man-Flu" because I feel like I'm dying whilst knowing that it's only a case of the flu.

Boo has had it all week. I kept him home from school as I didn't want him to pass it on to others just before our Easter Holidays, and he obviously gave it to me.

Which meant that I have missed out on lots of lovely social activities. Ah well.

We did, however, attend a wonderful Passover celebration on Wednesday night at our good friend Jenni's. It was the first time my boys had attended Passover, and, although they didn't really appreciate all of the food, they loved the ceremonial aspects and learning the history of the holiday.

They're off to DH's today for the first week of the holidays. I'm dreading the silence and agony of missing them. They've been SO much happier since their session with the Family Court counsellor. The relief of telling their truth to her, and of finding out that it's now much more likely that they will continue to live with me, has lifted an enormous burden from their small shoulders.

This week will be the first time they've seen DH since it all happened though, and they're a bit nervous about his reaction to all that they told the counsellor. I have told them that I will come and get them at any time if they are feeling worried and if DH is threatening them in any way (of course I didn't use those words at all.... just said to call me if they were scared of Daddy's anger) even though he's taking them 3.5 hours out of Sydney for the Easter weekend.

Fingers crossed he doesn't take his frustration out on them.

The Family Court Counselling. Where do I start?...

It was five hours. Three hours of being with DH in a small room and two hours of anxiously waiting while my babies were being counselled about what their wishes were.

At no time were the 4 of use in the counselling room together... thank god. The counsellor obviously took one whiff of the tension between DH and me and realised that it would NOT be good for the kids.

So... I'll do my best to share what happened. There was a lot said though, and I was incredibly emotional, so I cannot remember everything.

I remember that the counsellor was not very warm or friendly. Sure, she needs to stay detached, but I felt that she was quite judgmental.

DH was trying to paint a picture of himself as a saint-like father who was fighting the “good fight” (against a wicked witch) to see more of his kids before they grow up. He said things like “I know that, as boys, they need their father more than their mother now and I want them to live with me so that they can have a proper relationship with me”. He said that I had always used the issue of money (unpaid child support) to keep him feeling guilty, which had led him to not being able to communicate with me, which led him to this legal action.

Every single thing he said was about blaming me.

At one point we flared up at each other. The counsellor was talking about the “open wound” of our separation 11 years ago as the primary cause of all of our problems. DH said something along the lines of “She made me leave her. She was depressed and pregnant and was impossible to live with. No man would have stayed in that situation” and I sat up in my chair, turned to face him, and, shaking and crying, said “No decent man would leave his pregnant wife and baby because she was suffering from AN ILLNESS!! And then SUE HER FOR MONEY! And then NOT PAY CHILD SUPPORT”. The counsellor was telling me that she heard him say that he was suffering enormous guilt from having left like that and I said that I could not hear any of that in the words that he was saying, and that if he felt guilt, why had he never fulfilled his financial and moral obligations in the following 11 years. And DH interrupted to say that HE did not sue me, his LAWYERS sued me. Apparently not his responsibility at all.

She said that I had equal responsibility in all of that because I could not forgive him.

*&*@%#^$%@%&#%%@&*#%#@*(#&^$#%

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?????

Not long after that, he and I were sent to wait (I went outside the building so that I would not have to sit in the waiting room with him) while she spoke to the boys. I was tearful and faint, and, knowing that every word said in that room is reportable to the Judicial Registrar (the judge) worried that I had blown it.

Two hours later, DH and I were back in her room. I was determined to be non-reactive this time.

She told us about her time with the boys, about her impressions of them. They were remarkably accurate.

She had said to the boys that if they had 3 wishes, what would they be?

Boo said “1. That my parents stop fighting. 2. That the court case ends. 3. That I have unlimited wishes” (that’s my boy!!)

Toto said “1. That the court case ends. 2. That my parents start talking. 3. That's all I want.”

And then she told us that both boys felt very strongly that they DID NOT WANT TO CHANGE THE CURRENT LIVING ARRANGEMENTS. And that she felt strongly that it would not be in the boys best interests to do so.

I burst into tears. Tears of relief. Tears of amazement that my boys had overcome their fear of DH’s reactions to their words in order to tell their truths.

She went on to tell DH that both boys loved him, but had major concerns about his anger. She said that there was a HUGE difference in our parenting styles, and that the boys felt unsafe with DH and safe with me. When asked what they did when they were angry with their mother, both boys answered “I’ve never been angry with my mother”. When asked what they did when they were angry with their father, Toto said “I hide and get anxious and have trouble breathing and cry”. Boo said “I play my games and refuse to talk to him”.

Both boys brought up the incident in the back lane last March, and the counsellor emphasised to DH how inappropriate his behaviour had been. He crapped on and tried to defend himself, but she shut him down and told him that he had to apologise to the boys about it. One year later, and he still hadn’t done that! Sheesh.

(I've just realised that I haven't ever written about that horrendous incident in the back lane last March. DH was furious with them for having telephoned me because they were terrified as he had left them alone for a long period of time. He lives in the red-light district of Sydney and they get very scared there. I had jumped into my car and driven over there... not to take them home but to stay with them until DH returned. He returned before I got there, and was FURIOUS with them! He told them that if they went home with me they may as well never return. He then put them out in the back lane (unlit and very scary) and closed his garage door. By the time I got there they were scared out of their wits and absolutely hysterical. I took them home, calming them down, telling them that their Dad really loved them and was just angry and would be feeling awful about having done what he did etc etc. He wasn't feeling awful. In fact, he rang up over an hour later still wanting to yell at them for not showing him respect.

It was after that event that the boys refused to stay overnight at DH's house for a couple of weeks. Apparently he left them alone there A LOT. And got that angry A LOT. They had had enough. A few weeks later I convinced them to stay over on the weekend nights that they were there... and that is what they have been doing ever since.)

The boys also said that when they were at DH’s, his flatmate was always there, and he always had friends over. They said that the only times that they were ever alone with him was when they were playing sport.... and even then he was yelling at them and correcting them. She suggested that he attend some sort of parenting programme to help him learn how to respond to their behaviour differently.

He kept defending himself, telling her that Boo was defiant and Toto was easily upset, and she asked me how I handled those aspects of their personalities. I told her that I treated them equally and consistently in terms of behavioral consequences and rewards, and therefore didn’t really see those behaviours at home. She seemed to doubt me, but I explained that I had done parenting courses early on, and had the ongoing support of a Child and Family Psychiatrist and had worked very hard on being consistent when it came to behavioral issues. The kids fought with each other, I got angry with them for procrastinating with chores etc, but nothing ever blew up into a drama. She believed me then.

DH kept referring to the number of nights that he had the boys to stay, and comparing his with his divorced friends. The counsellor explained to him that the number of nights has no bearing on the type of relationship that he could have with his children. She spelled it out by saying that many divorced parents who have equal time with their children have lousy relationships with them, and many who have only minimal access have wonderful relationships with them. It was about quality rather than quantity.

She also said that the situation would be different if he had ever lived with them.

Then she said that, in her opinion, based upon doing this job for 25 years, if he persisted with this court case his relationship with the boys would deteriorate dramatically. She said it was not necessarily fair, but that, because they had always lived with me and felt safe and secure with me, they would perceive his litigiousness as an attack upon me. DH said that that was because I was telling them that, and she emphasised that that was definitely not the case. She said that it was normal for boys to become their mothers' "White Knights". Even if that meant protecting her from their father.

She said that the one thing that we had both been doing right was not denigrating the other parent to the boys. She told him that the boys were aligned with me because I was the parent they wanted to live with, NOT because I had convinced them to say that to the court.

She said that both boys had told her about trying to tell DH that they didn't want to live with him, and about him telling them that they didn't know their own minds, and that they were being "manipulated" by me. She told him that that was detrimental to his relationship with them.

She then suggested that we meet with her again in order to draw up a Parenting Plan which would then be lodged with the court. She emphasised that, because of the boys’ ages, it would not really be enforceable, but that it would end the legal battle and would end the stress upon the boys.

Now, I agreed to this, and DH said yes, but he sounded insincere and I won’t believe it until I see it.

*sigh*

A lot of what was said was about DH and me resolving our differences and beginning a new co-parenting relationship for the sake of the kids.

I said that it would take more than a simple decision in order for that to happen.

I have too much anger. I don’t trust him.

He would need to offer to pay some or all of his debt to me. He would need to sincerely apologise to me. He would need to show me that he is trustworthy.

And he said that I would need to apologise to him for god knows’ what. Seriously. I don’t know what I need to apologise to him for. Oh, and that the debt would need to be wiped as he doesn't have the money to pay it and shouldn't have to go into bankruptcy.

Read the story of our breakup here, if you haven’t already.

He’s been the bastard for 11 years. I’ve reacted to him letting the boys down and lying to me, but I haven’t instigated nastiness or lied to him or cheated him or denied him access to his boys.

So, good luck to us on that one.

Of course I want it for the boys. And I said in that room that I would love to have a decent co-parenting relationship for the sake of the boys.

Maybe I’m not a big enough person. Maybe I’m too selfish. I know all of that stuff about how when you’re angry with someone else you’re only poisoning yourself.... but I am not a saint.

Enough. I’m totally knackered from re-living it for this post. There was heaps more. I may think of more later and edit.

In the meantime, the boys and I are going away for the weekend with a girlfriend of mine and her son, and we’re also taking my godson along. Should be lovely.

Boy Heaven....

This weekend was spent at a great friends' farm.

We "grown ups" cooked, walked, talked, went into "town" for coffee and supplies, read our books.....






... while the boys played cricket, watched "The Life of Brian" (insert evil mummy laugh here) and *gulp* had their first driving lessons.

They were actually bloody good! See for yourself!...

I feel like a new woman....

I've just been to the hairdresser! First time in 8 months (I was going to name this post "Eight Months Between Roots" but I wasn't sure that my non-Australian friends would understand the humour in that one).

3 hours of having foils put in, taken out, my hair washed, a treatment and a head massage, and I truly do feel amazingly different. No wonder some women do this every month!

Toto came home after school to do an assignment, as he feels that he can't do it at DH's house. He says that DH doesn't help him with his homework when he's stuck, and gives him a set time limit in which to complete it. If he doesn't manage it all in that time, DH gets angry and tells him that he has to take the consequences at school.

Boo organised a playdate across the road so that he would be here when DH came to collect them both at 6pm.

So, now they're both gone and I'm facing a weekend of selfishness. I've got two books lined up that I've been longing to read... and a list of movies that I'd love to see. And other than that... I plan to sleep. Next week is going to be huge. Family Court ordered counselling on Monday and a couple of big jobs during the week.

Can you tell that I'm feeling enormously better?

I don't want to jinx anything.... but.....

... apart from spending yesterday crying for absolutely no reason... I'm feeling a bit better.


It's amazing how light things seem when the darkness begins to lift. Every single action, every obligation, every otherwise enjoyable event has seemed like an insurmountable challenge. I've enjoyed things during this time... but the effort to get to things, or prepare for things has worn me out. And I've needed recovery time. Lots.

One of the most noticeable things for me was my loss of confidence. I decided that my photography skills were shockingly pathetic, my Photoshop skills even more so, and that I was kidding myself if I thought that I could write a sentence worth publishing on a world-wide forum. I'm still feeling pretty shaky about those three things, but I'm reminding myself that I'm not doing this for any reason other than my own desire to connect with other wonderful like-minded bloggers. And that they you are not judging me.

I've also been working quite a lot over the last few weeks... minus my normally wonderful confidence. It has been totally exhausting, sometimes uncomfortable and, had I not known that this was not my "normal" state of operating, I would have been thrown into a turmoil about my professional skills and abilities.

And, of course, the legal crap continues. Painfully slowly. Inchingly, revoltingly slowly. DH and I have had one of the arbitrations cancelled. It was quite hilarious actually. Hmmm. We had a Social Security Appeals Tribunal pre-arbitration phone conference regarding DH's objection to a decision by the Child Support Agency that went in my favour. His objection was completely irrelevant to the actual decision and it didn't take long for the SSAT representative to point that out to DH. He dismissed the Appeal that same day. One thing that did come out of the phone call was that DH has lodged another case against me in the Family Court. One that I have not been notified about yet. Something else to look forward to.

That same afternoon Toto had a "Meet The Teachers" bbq at his school. Which meant that I had to see, and even talk to, DH. I didn't stop shaking for about 12 hours from the effort required to maintain an even keel. My darling Toto said "Mum, I'm really proud of you... You're doing such a good job of being nice to Dad" which of course kept me seemingly calm and focussed.

This was one of the highlights of the past couple of weeks... actually it was two of the highlights as we were lucky enough to be able to meet up twice....

Tim, Dina, Jack, Fe, Boo, Toto

So.... hopefully the skies will stay brighter in my perspective for a while. I know that I am not broken. I simply have too much stress in my life right now and will need to manage my time and resources better to avoid this kind of extended darkness.

The tears that continue to roll are more about what my boys are feeling. I stole a look at Toto's English book at school the other day. Under the heading "My Family" he wrote about his divorced parents both wanting him to live with them. And he wrote "but I prefer to live with my Mum". I hadn't realised how much I needed to see those words. To know that, despite their adamant spoken words to me, they weren't just telling me what they thought I wanted to hear.

This is the only photograph that I've taken over the past month or so that I actually really like. Boo is concentrating on his Nintendo DS... lying next to me on my bed... with the strong western sunlight mottled by the blind. They're growing so quickly at the moment and I'm trying to capture those childish expressions that will soon disappear. Not so easy as they've both suddenly become quite camera shy. Bugger.

Darkness....

I’m still in a dark dark place... and the energy required to do the things that I HAVE to do leaves me totally and utterly depleted. But I’m still here... and I draw strength and a feeling of connection by reading all my fave bloggy-friends’ posts.

My friend is back in the hospital. In fact, since I last wrote about her, she’s been in and out three times. You can only imagine how awful this has been. I remain optimistic about her long term recovery, however, and this helps me keep in touch with the sliver of hope that my own “funk” will ease soon.

DH has been overstepping his boundaries with the boys. He telephones them every day and night, and yesterday he actually picked them up from school and took them for a “play” WITHOUT TELLING ME. He’s doing this to try to prove to a registrar that he is a great Dad, and to try to make up to the boys for years of not giving a shit, but you don’t do that to a mother who is worried sick because her 10 year old son is 15 minutes late home from school. My brain is imploding because apparently if a mother does this she is “clingy” and “invasive” but if a father does this he is “caring” and “enthusiastic”.

And of course Toto and Boo are trying to look after me emotionally. I try SO hard to hide this stuff from them.... SO hard. But it’s impossible to hide the puffy eyes from crying all day, or the burnt dinner from forgetting that I was cooking at all, or the anger with their father for bringing them home with homework undone and school clothes unwashed, and for interrupting our time together every day.

Mainly it’s just the fact that I cry at the drop of a pin.

This is so not good at this point in the legal proceedings. It’s such a catch-22. If it wasn’t for the legal stuff I wouldn’t BE in this depressive episode. And that’s where my brain catches fire and starts melting and my tear ducts develop a mind of their own.

Still, the boys seem to be okay. Boo laughed at me the other day when I was trying to say something positive about DH. He laughed in a comfortable way... and said “Mum, I know you’re trying to make us feel better, but you don’t have to lie”. It’s so tempting to say “Phew! Okay! Thanks babe..... let’s talk about what a total dish-rag he is!” but no.... I said “I’m not lying darling. ALL parents argue sometimes. Daddy and I don’t agree on what’s best for you at the moment, that’s all.” vomit.puke.bullsh*t.

Happy Birthday Toto!!

Dearest Toto,

Thank you for choosing me to be your Mummy.

In your life thus far, you have taught me so much about loving, being loved, patience, kindness and true joy.

I cannot imagine my world without you in it.

I love you to the moon and back. Times infinity. And more. No returns.

Your Mummy.

Top Gear Live...

Today really feels like a day of mourning here in Australia. The death toll from the bushfires keeps rising (currently 76, and 700 homes completely destroyed) and hundreds, if not thousands, of our countrymen will get no sleep tonight as they try to protect their property and their lives.

Those of us who are safe are feeling helpless. A quick tour through many of my favourite blogs shows that this issue is first in all our minds. I guess all we can do right now is donate money or clothes / bedding / toys, and ensure that we don't waste a drop of water... so that all possible can be directed towards the bushfires.

As well as sorrow and helplessness, I'm also feeling a rage so deep that it has not reached the surface yet. These fires were lit intentionally. It's unfathomable. Unspeakable.

We in Sydney have had our 40+ degree weekend this weekend. And while most people were travelling from the hotter inland western suburbs to the cooler eastern and northern beaches, my boys and I travelled in the exact opposite direction. Our behaviour was SO unusual today, that we had practically the entire train to ourselves.

So... we sweated our way west.......


... until we reached nirvana.

Oh yes, we went to the "Top Gear Live" performance! Nirvana for a boy about to turn 12 AND for his brother and his Mum. It's absolutely our favourite telly programme and when we heard that they were coming to Australia, we just couldn't resist.

It was hot.

And a big part of the experience was walking around looking at sexy cars that cost more than most houses. In the heat.

Formula One vehicle and fans!

And then we went inside into the bliss of the airconditioning... to our nosebleed seats, two rows from the top.


... for an exciting show filled with gasoline, testoterone, inappropriate sexual inuendo and a finale of car-soccer!

It was fun. Exhausting but fun.

And then we struggled with 90 minutes of non-airconditioned trains to get home.

"Mum! Look! An Alien must have been murdered there!! Green Blood!"

The recovery....

Firstly, thank you SO MUCH to everyone for your wonderful words of support, encouragement and advice.

I did speak with Toto's Year 7 Advisor. I telephoned him this morning and asked him to keep an eye on Toto. I explained what was going on, and told him that Toto was extremely distressed and anxious and needed to know that there was someone in the school that he could talk to. I also asked him to please be discrete. He wasn't very comforting, but did say that he would talk to Toto during the day.

I then apologised to my Mum. She said that she understood.

I spent three hours sitting at the hospital with my friend today. She was re-admitted yesterday, after a couple of weeks of sliding backwards. It's so sad. So sad for her and so sad for her family. Still, she has a treatment plan and I'm confident that she won't be in there for nearly as long this time.

It did wear me out though. She relies upon me to convince her that she is capable of recovery. I know that I have to look after myself right now, in order to be able to look after my own family, but I can't refuse her in this time of need. I just can't.

By the time I got to Toto's school to collect him, I had a plan for a "recovery evening" for the three of us. It included a bit of baking, a favourite dinner, and a reward for completion of homework (a neck massage, a back tickle and favourite bedtime story).

By absolute chance, I met with the Year 7 advisor at the school gate, and he was much warmer in person. It's possible he's just not comfortable on the telephone. He was very understanding and supportive and reassured me immensely. By chance again, I met with the Principal and had another conversation with him about the situation. I was careful about what I said (I save my DH bagging for my blog) and kept my concerns limited to the impact of the court case on Toto, not the cause or content. He was wonderful. Absolutely wonderful.

And so, despite Toto and I having to lug his incredibly heavy cricket bag home on public transport, our recovery evening went beautifully to plan.

We baked brownies....

Licking the bowl while sitting in front of the oven watching the brownies baking

EDITED TO REMOVE CUTE PHOTO OF BOO LICKING THE INSIDE OF THE BOWL AT THE REQUEST (DEMAND, THREATENED TANTRUM) OF BOO

"Boo, could you get your head any further inside that bowl?"

Completed all the homework.....

...and laughed together more than we have in weeks. It was perfect.

(and I know that they're in their underwear, but it's the first thing they do when they get in the door! Go figure!)

Bastard....

Toto is a mess.

It started when he came home from DH's on Sunday night with homework not done. Grrrrr. We stayed up trying to finish it, but he was stressed about the court hearing and so we left a few things undone. He and Boo were also dead tired after two very late nights and early mornings. Oh, and their school uniforms were not washed. Grrrr.

Today, at the school gate, I had a word to the School Principal. He's a really lovely man, and was very pleased that I had told him what was going on. I simply asked that he keep an eye on Toto, and he said that Toto or I must feel free to visit him or the Year 7 advisor if he ever needed to talk to anyone.

I tried to make tonight a celebration. And initially it was. But the weight of now thinking that whatever the boys tell their lawyers will decide the case one way or another is tearing Toto apart. Boo seems okay. He still says that he is scared of DH's reaction to whatever he says (via a lawyer or to his face) but he's taking my words as literal and is not feeling pressure. Toto is unable to believe me. I guess it's because he's just that little bit older and that little bit more anxious.

Tonight he's struggling with much more homework. This is the reality of Year 7 for all of our kids. It's such a HUGE leap from primary school to high school in terms of organisation and volume of work. But this particular boy is being forced by his father to continue after school training and weekend sport (even though he's now got in-school representative sport) when he doesn't want to because he knows that he won't be able to cope with it on top of his homework. I've emailed DH explaining why Toto wants to give it up, but he's ignoring my emails.

Toto sees it as another level of powerlessness. And it is. It's another example of DH not listening to his child. Not considering his child.

And that child sat up late here with me struggling with homework and a perceived burden for the outcome of a family court case. And he just doesn't believe me when I tell him that their IS NO BURDEN. It's all about truth, which is why someone else will make a decision. And that all he has to do is be honest. And that either outcome will be okay. We'll make it work. And that he is not responsible for my or DH's happiness. And that nothing in the world could ever change how I feel about him.

Am I messing up here? I don't know what else I can do. The circumstances were and are such that I cannot hide the fact that there IS a court case from him, but of course he knows NOTHING of the contents or details.

Toto wants to see someone to talk about this stuff. A counsellor. And the thing that is killing me right now is that I am not allowed to take him to any counsellor as it WILL be construed as me trying to coerce him or have him "taught" what to say to the court when his turn comes. When all I want to do is help my aching child.

I'd like to write to the School Principal and arrange to talk with him because surely, as a Christian school, they provide Pastoral Care? I am worried, however, because DH's sister teaches there, and has taught there for nearly 8 years. I'm just not quite sure about whether she would use this against me as a means for her brothers' quest.

Bastard..... How could anyone knowingly do this to their children? And he DOES know, because the children and I have tried to tell him. He just needs to win at any cost. My brother told me today that feels sorry for ALL of us. DH included. I tried that emotion on for a second or two. And then shrugged it off in a shudder of revulsion. I cannot empathise with this man. Eleven years of being at the receiving end of his treatment of me and my children has taught me that.