That was a long time between posts....

It's been an incredibly stressful week with all of the legal stuff.

The Family Dispute Resolution conference was supposed to have been last Friday... a mandatory "final" effort at agreeing on court orders with DH before the judge gets to decide.

It was supposed to have been the three lawyers representing the boys, DH and me.

But the boys' lawyer was sick and had not met them. And she wouldn't be meeting them before the hearing.

This was a REALLY bad thing, as the biggest thing that my argument has going for it is that the boys' do NOT want to change the current living arrangements, and the boys' lawyer is supposed to present the Family Court Counsellor's report stating that it would be detrimental to the boys if the current arrangements were changed.

But the Resolution conference date was not being changed DESPITE the boys' lawyer not having met the boys. And it was still going to go ahead even if she didn't appear.

This was insane. My lawyer had not been given the Counsellor's report and therefore we could not present any information from it.

And.... if it looked as though I was being the difficult one in terms of deferring the Resolution conference date and therefore seen to be the one not willing to come to an agreement, I could be forced to pay DH's costs as well as mine. ALL of them... not just for this hearing.

So... I made a HUGE fuss with my lawyer and mentioned taking this to the Federal Court if we went ahead with this with the boys' lawyer having not even met with her clients. I was speaking through my .. umm... BUM because I have no idea if I can even do that!

He madly rang all involved, and it turned out that the Court Counsellor had not even prepared a report as she had not been told of the hearing date.

That was it.

Six or seven emails later, the hearing was postponed. By the children's lawyer.

My heart was in my chest all day.

But then the BEST THING HAPPENED!

My lawyer had applied for a check on the Property Index Register. Something that the Child Support Agency had told me that they had done years ago.

And DH owns a property.

With his sister. But it's an asset that he has not mentioned in any of his financial statements to the court or to the child support agency. He also has not reported any income from tenants. It is an asset which can be held against a debt.

Whether it WILL be is another thing altogether. But as long as the debt does not get removed with the application that he is currently lodging, I can put a caveat on the title of the property to ensure that he can never sell it without a court case involving repaying me the money. The outcome of that court case would be the only way to lift the caveat and allow the sale. I can imagine that his sister may need the money at some stage in her lifetime and therefore the sale will be inevitable.

The lying scum bag finally got found out.

I then rang the Child Support Agency to report this latest piece of information, and they told me that our case is now, after SIX bloody years(!!!!)... escalated to the "Intensive Debt Collection" cell. This is where they can run the "level 2 searches" like property searches and Oztrek searches (looking for money going in and out of the country from/to him).

Apparently his need for privacy protected him from having any of those searches run on him before.

I am furious that they have not escalated us to this "cell" before! How big does the debt have to get for that to happen?! How many months/years does he get to NOT pay before that happens?

Still.... the fact that I have found this asset of his has lightened my spirit unbelievably. It's the first good news I've had in a long time.

And, even though I knew he was a lying piece of shit, it gives me even greater satisfaction to have it so blatantly displayed for all the world (and all the judges) to see.

UNbelievable....

Despite everything that he was told in the Family Court Ordered Counselling session (here) about the boys' wishes and that in the opinion of the Counsellor (who has 25 years of experience as a Family Court Counsellor) :

• It would NOT be in the best interests of the boys to change the current living arrangements
• DH's relationship with the boys will deteriorate dramatically if he continues the legal action
• Both boys STRONGLY do not want to change the current living arrangements
  

.....*breathe Fe breathe*.....

.... DH is continuing with the legal action.

Never mind that, in the counselling session, he agreed to work out a parenting plan with the counsellor and me.

Never mind that he knows that this stuff is damaging our children in ways which we may never ever know.

I'm SO pissed off. And I'm pissed off with myself for believing YET AGAIN that he could possibly put the children's needs before his own. And I'm shattered and horrified by the devastation that will cause my boys. They have been different children since being told that there was every chance that the legal stuff would stop.

And I think I was right to tell them that. After all, DH did agree to it. I even questioned his agreeing to it and he emphasised that he would do it.

I knew that we still had a road to go to actually work out a parenting plan... but it would be nothing compared to the road we're on which ultimately leads to a Judicial Registrar deciding what's best for our children based upon whose lawyer is best able to articulate, instead of listening to what is actually best for the boys.

Now it's about the children seeing their own lawyer and then all 3 lawyers battling it out. And if we don't come to an agreement, then it's up to the Judicial Registrar. Oh, and the Counsellor's report may or may not be taken into account by the Judicial Registrar. It's up to them.

The boys' have an appointment with their lawyer this Thursday. They're with DH all this week. Which means that I won't see them before then. I can call them on their mobile phones, but DH always stays nearby and they are uncomfortable talking to me that way. Still, knowing how intimidated they are by him, I will call them before their appointment just to tell them to stick to their truths and to say the same things that they said to the Counsellor. Just pray that their phones are on and within range.

I spoke to my lawyer today, and he said that DH's lawyer was encouraging DH to battle this out. My lawyer ran into her at Court today, and apparently she told him to tell his client (me) to reach a compromise.

Oh, and that they were attaching NEW orders to get rid of the Spousal Maintenance. He's never paid a cent of that anyway. Not ONE cent. I'm happy to get rid of that. I just wish I could use it as leverage to get him to LEAVE MY CHILDREN ALONE.

Sorry for the rant.

I'm just so incredibly pissed off.

My beautiful boys....

Toto

Boo

Poor Toto...

The boys were incredibly upset about leaving me for a whole week yesterday. Especially Toto.

It is absolutely devastating to see your child heaving and crying and begging you not to make them go.

I held it together until they left, and then completely lost it myself.

All I could say to reassure them was "Daddy really loves you.... and if he gets angry you can think in your mind that he really loves you but doesn't know how else to behave". How difficult is that going to be for 10 and 12 year olds?

I just didn't know what else to say.

Woof woof....

Happy Good Friday everyone... from my germ-riddled home to yours!

Yes, I'm sick as a dog. Barking sick. No voice. Blocked nose. Fever. Headache. And I'm not handling it well. I'm calling it "Man-Flu" because I feel like I'm dying whilst knowing that it's only a case of the flu.

Boo has had it all week. I kept him home from school as I didn't want him to pass it on to others just before our Easter Holidays, and he obviously gave it to me.

Which meant that I have missed out on lots of lovely social activities. Ah well.

We did, however, attend a wonderful Passover celebration on Wednesday night at our good friend Jenni's. It was the first time my boys had attended Passover, and, although they didn't really appreciate all of the food, they loved the ceremonial aspects and learning the history of the holiday.

They're off to DH's today for the first week of the holidays. I'm dreading the silence and agony of missing them. They've been SO much happier since their session with the Family Court counsellor. The relief of telling their truth to her, and of finding out that it's now much more likely that they will continue to live with me, has lifted an enormous burden from their small shoulders.

This week will be the first time they've seen DH since it all happened though, and they're a bit nervous about his reaction to all that they told the counsellor. I have told them that I will come and get them at any time if they are feeling worried and if DH is threatening them in any way (of course I didn't use those words at all.... just said to call me if they were scared of Daddy's anger) even though he's taking them 3.5 hours out of Sydney for the Easter weekend.

Fingers crossed he doesn't take his frustration out on them.

The Family Court Counselling. Where do I start?...

It was five hours. Three hours of being with DH in a small room and two hours of anxiously waiting while my babies were being counselled about what their wishes were.

At no time were the 4 of use in the counselling room together... thank god. The counsellor obviously took one whiff of the tension between DH and me and realised that it would NOT be good for the kids.

So... I'll do my best to share what happened. There was a lot said though, and I was incredibly emotional, so I cannot remember everything.

I remember that the counsellor was not very warm or friendly. Sure, she needs to stay detached, but I felt that she was quite judgmental.

DH was trying to paint a picture of himself as a saint-like father who was fighting the “good fight” (against a wicked witch) to see more of his kids before they grow up. He said things like “I know that, as boys, they need their father more than their mother now and I want them to live with me so that they can have a proper relationship with me”. He said that I had always used the issue of money (unpaid child support) to keep him feeling guilty, which had led him to not being able to communicate with me, which led him to this legal action.

Every single thing he said was about blaming me.

At one point we flared up at each other. The counsellor was talking about the “open wound” of our separation 11 years ago as the primary cause of all of our problems. DH said something along the lines of “She made me leave her. She was depressed and pregnant and was impossible to live with. No man would have stayed in that situation” and I sat up in my chair, turned to face him, and, shaking and crying, said “No decent man would leave his pregnant wife and baby because she was suffering from AN ILLNESS!! And then SUE HER FOR MONEY! And then NOT PAY CHILD SUPPORT”. The counsellor was telling me that she heard him say that he was suffering enormous guilt from having left like that and I said that I could not hear any of that in the words that he was saying, and that if he felt guilt, why had he never fulfilled his financial and moral obligations in the following 11 years. And DH interrupted to say that HE did not sue me, his LAWYERS sued me. Apparently not his responsibility at all.

She said that I had equal responsibility in all of that because I could not forgive him.

*&*@%#^$%@%&#%%@&*#%#@*(#&^$#%

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?????

Not long after that, he and I were sent to wait (I went outside the building so that I would not have to sit in the waiting room with him) while she spoke to the boys. I was tearful and faint, and, knowing that every word said in that room is reportable to the Judicial Registrar (the judge) worried that I had blown it.

Two hours later, DH and I were back in her room. I was determined to be non-reactive this time.

She told us about her time with the boys, about her impressions of them. They were remarkably accurate.

She had said to the boys that if they had 3 wishes, what would they be?

Boo said “1. That my parents stop fighting. 2. That the court case ends. 3. That I have unlimited wishes” (that’s my boy!!)

Toto said “1. That the court case ends. 2. That my parents start talking. 3. That's all I want.”

And then she told us that both boys felt very strongly that they DID NOT WANT TO CHANGE THE CURRENT LIVING ARRANGEMENTS. And that she felt strongly that it would not be in the boys best interests to do so.

I burst into tears. Tears of relief. Tears of amazement that my boys had overcome their fear of DH’s reactions to their words in order to tell their truths.

She went on to tell DH that both boys loved him, but had major concerns about his anger. She said that there was a HUGE difference in our parenting styles, and that the boys felt unsafe with DH and safe with me. When asked what they did when they were angry with their mother, both boys answered “I’ve never been angry with my mother”. When asked what they did when they were angry with their father, Toto said “I hide and get anxious and have trouble breathing and cry”. Boo said “I play my games and refuse to talk to him”.

Both boys brought up the incident in the back lane last March, and the counsellor emphasised to DH how inappropriate his behaviour had been. He crapped on and tried to defend himself, but she shut him down and told him that he had to apologise to the boys about it. One year later, and he still hadn’t done that! Sheesh.

(I've just realised that I haven't ever written about that horrendous incident in the back lane last March. DH was furious with them for having telephoned me because they were terrified as he had left them alone for a long period of time. He lives in the red-light district of Sydney and they get very scared there. I had jumped into my car and driven over there... not to take them home but to stay with them until DH returned. He returned before I got there, and was FURIOUS with them! He told them that if they went home with me they may as well never return. He then put them out in the back lane (unlit and very scary) and closed his garage door. By the time I got there they were scared out of their wits and absolutely hysterical. I took them home, calming them down, telling them that their Dad really loved them and was just angry and would be feeling awful about having done what he did etc etc. He wasn't feeling awful. In fact, he rang up over an hour later still wanting to yell at them for not showing him respect.

It was after that event that the boys refused to stay overnight at DH's house for a couple of weeks. Apparently he left them alone there A LOT. And got that angry A LOT. They had had enough. A few weeks later I convinced them to stay over on the weekend nights that they were there... and that is what they have been doing ever since.)

The boys also said that when they were at DH’s, his flatmate was always there, and he always had friends over. They said that the only times that they were ever alone with him was when they were playing sport.... and even then he was yelling at them and correcting them. She suggested that he attend some sort of parenting programme to help him learn how to respond to their behaviour differently.

He kept defending himself, telling her that Boo was defiant and Toto was easily upset, and she asked me how I handled those aspects of their personalities. I told her that I treated them equally and consistently in terms of behavioral consequences and rewards, and therefore didn’t really see those behaviours at home. She seemed to doubt me, but I explained that I had done parenting courses early on, and had the ongoing support of a Child and Family Psychiatrist and had worked very hard on being consistent when it came to behavioral issues. The kids fought with each other, I got angry with them for procrastinating with chores etc, but nothing ever blew up into a drama. She believed me then.

DH kept referring to the number of nights that he had the boys to stay, and comparing his with his divorced friends. The counsellor explained to him that the number of nights has no bearing on the type of relationship that he could have with his children. She spelled it out by saying that many divorced parents who have equal time with their children have lousy relationships with them, and many who have only minimal access have wonderful relationships with them. It was about quality rather than quantity.

She also said that the situation would be different if he had ever lived with them.

Then she said that, in her opinion, based upon doing this job for 25 years, if he persisted with this court case his relationship with the boys would deteriorate dramatically. She said it was not necessarily fair, but that, because they had always lived with me and felt safe and secure with me, they would perceive his litigiousness as an attack upon me. DH said that that was because I was telling them that, and she emphasised that that was definitely not the case. She said that it was normal for boys to become their mothers' "White Knights". Even if that meant protecting her from their father.

She said that the one thing that we had both been doing right was not denigrating the other parent to the boys. She told him that the boys were aligned with me because I was the parent they wanted to live with, NOT because I had convinced them to say that to the court.

She said that both boys had told her about trying to tell DH that they didn't want to live with him, and about him telling them that they didn't know their own minds, and that they were being "manipulated" by me. She told him that that was detrimental to his relationship with them.

She then suggested that we meet with her again in order to draw up a Parenting Plan which would then be lodged with the court. She emphasised that, because of the boys’ ages, it would not really be enforceable, but that it would end the legal battle and would end the stress upon the boys.

Now, I agreed to this, and DH said yes, but he sounded insincere and I won’t believe it until I see it.

*sigh*

A lot of what was said was about DH and me resolving our differences and beginning a new co-parenting relationship for the sake of the kids.

I said that it would take more than a simple decision in order for that to happen.

I have too much anger. I don’t trust him.

He would need to offer to pay some or all of his debt to me. He would need to sincerely apologise to me. He would need to show me that he is trustworthy.

And he said that I would need to apologise to him for god knows’ what. Seriously. I don’t know what I need to apologise to him for. Oh, and that the debt would need to be wiped as he doesn't have the money to pay it and shouldn't have to go into bankruptcy.

Read the story of our breakup here, if you haven’t already.

He’s been the bastard for 11 years. I’ve reacted to him letting the boys down and lying to me, but I haven’t instigated nastiness or lied to him or cheated him or denied him access to his boys.

So, good luck to us on that one.

Of course I want it for the boys. And I said in that room that I would love to have a decent co-parenting relationship for the sake of the boys.

Maybe I’m not a big enough person. Maybe I’m too selfish. I know all of that stuff about how when you’re angry with someone else you’re only poisoning yourself.... but I am not a saint.

Enough. I’m totally knackered from re-living it for this post. There was heaps more. I may think of more later and edit.

In the meantime, the boys and I are going away for the weekend with a girlfriend of mine and her son, and we’re also taking my godson along. Should be lovely.

Stitches out...

I took Boo to the doctor this morning to get his stitches out.

I told him about the horrendous experience Boo had had getting them put in and asked him if it was possible that Boo was simply immune to local anaesthetics.

Apparently not.

Apparently there is a particular way of injecting them into the wound to ensure that it actually goes in. That way was NOT used by the emergency room doctor. In fact, when I was watching her injecting the anaesthetic into the wound I asked her about the huge amount of it pouring down his face. She told me that it wouldn't make a difference. Grrr.

And apparently you should wait a few minutes before stitching in order to allow the local anaesthetic to do its job. Our emergency room doctor barely paused.

Poor Boo. No wonder he was in such agony.

Our doctor also said that the tetanus shots that he received at the hospital were unnecessary.. and actually useless in this particular situation (he fell on wood... not rusty metal).

Ah well. The stitches are out. The wound looks fine.... healing nicely. Thanks for all your kind words and sympathy.

We've got court-ordered family counselling at the Family Court in the morning.

*Gulp*.

ALL of us. There. Together.