What a beautiful word!!
Oh wow. I didn't realise just how anxious I was until I received that phone call!!
Thank you SO much everyone for being there with me through this scary scary time.
Now we just have to have DH back down and Boo get better and all will be right in my world. Right now, however, I am just so grateful for having dodged a bullet. I feel invincible!
Last week I had to tell the boys that they would have to see their lawyer again, which meant that I had to tell them that the agreement had not gone through. I tried to phrase it as "The lawyers have to talk again" rather than "Your asshole father went back on his word" but the affect was still the same.
We've had to postpone the lawyers' appointment because of Piggy Flu, and Toto is extremely worried about it, but I'm trying hard to minimise their concerns and reassure them that all will be okay.
Now that the breast-lump stress is over, I can focus on that again.
Showing posts with label family court. Show all posts
Showing posts with label family court. Show all posts
Monday, June 29, 2009
Thursday, June 18, 2009
I don't really have the words...
... and I'm trying SO hard to make this a learning experience rather than spiraling downwards and sitting in the corner in a fetal position screaming and rocking and pulling my own hair out.
We walked out of the Mediation with an agreement. Both sides agreed to what was written down during the meeting. The next step... transferring the agreement to a court document and lodging it with the court.... was meant to be a formality only.
Until this afternoon.
SmartGirl received a letter from DH's lawyer saying that he was not going to sign the document unless he received an extra 3 nights a fortnight.
WTF?
I only agreed to the extra 1 night in order to expedite the end of this trauma for the boys and to allow them to rest assured that their parents had been able to come to an agreement.
And now this.
We're stuck.
It will probably have to go to a judge now.
And who knows what the outcome will be.
I simply CANNOT believe that DH has done this! He just KEEPS damaging our children intentionally. It is too much for me to take in. Surely this is an example of his total and utter lack of concern for their welfare?
I'm not going to tell the boys anything about this at all. I guess they'll resent me for this if the outcome is unfavourable, but I simply cannot put them through any more of this.
We walked out of the Mediation with an agreement. Both sides agreed to what was written down during the meeting. The next step... transferring the agreement to a court document and lodging it with the court.... was meant to be a formality only.
Until this afternoon.
SmartGirl received a letter from DH's lawyer saying that he was not going to sign the document unless he received an extra 3 nights a fortnight.
WTF?
I only agreed to the extra 1 night in order to expedite the end of this trauma for the boys and to allow them to rest assured that their parents had been able to come to an agreement.
And now this.
We're stuck.
It will probably have to go to a judge now.
And who knows what the outcome will be.
I simply CANNOT believe that DH has done this! He just KEEPS damaging our children intentionally. It is too much for me to take in. Surely this is an example of his total and utter lack of concern for their welfare?
I'm not going to tell the boys anything about this at all. I guess they'll resent me for this if the outcome is unfavourable, but I simply cannot put them through any more of this.
Monday, June 15, 2009
Oh God I blogged too soon....
Poor Toto completely lost it. The rosy shine wore off MUCH sooner than I anticipated.
He's thought ahead to the reality of it all and has decided that it's all too much. He just can't deal with all of the practical aspects of the extra night (school uniforms, musical instruments, air league uniforms etc) letalone the extra night away from me.
I've put him back to bed with promises of late night drives across the Harbour Bridge to deliver mislaid or forgotten items (boy am I going to regret making THAT promise) and letters to all of his teachers explaining his change of living circumstances and asking for leniency with regard to missing textbooks and homework not done.
And he's angry with me for agreeing to the change.
I know, I know. I know that I had no choice and that he's an emotional lad, but right now I feel like I've sold my children for a piece of silver.
Let's hope a good nights' sleep and a few weeks of adjusting to the idea makes things easier.
For all of us.
He's thought ahead to the reality of it all and has decided that it's all too much. He just can't deal with all of the practical aspects of the extra night (school uniforms, musical instruments, air league uniforms etc) letalone the extra night away from me.
I've put him back to bed with promises of late night drives across the Harbour Bridge to deliver mislaid or forgotten items (boy am I going to regret making THAT promise) and letters to all of his teachers explaining his change of living circumstances and asking for leniency with regard to missing textbooks and homework not done.
And he's angry with me for agreeing to the change.
I know, I know. I know that I had no choice and that he's an emotional lad, but right now I feel like I've sold my children for a piece of silver.
Let's hope a good nights' sleep and a few weeks of adjusting to the idea makes things easier.
For all of us.
The boys reaction...
... was amazing.
They basically said that they were incredibly happy and relieved that they didn't have to live with him half of the time. They said that they could cope with one extra night.
Both of them commented that they were really pleased that we had been able to agree on an outcome, and that they were extra extra pleased that we didn't have to go through any more of this stress.
So... we celebrated with my parents and laughed and chatted and were more relaxed than we have been in... oh.... about 8 months.
We're home now, and they've just had a physical fight over who is having the first shower. Things really ARE back to normal!
They basically said that they were incredibly happy and relieved that they didn't have to live with him half of the time. They said that they could cope with one extra night.
Both of them commented that they were really pleased that we had been able to agree on an outcome, and that they were extra extra pleased that we didn't have to go through any more of this stress.
So... we celebrated with my parents and laughed and chatted and were more relaxed than we have been in... oh.... about 8 months.
We're home now, and they've just had a physical fight over who is having the first shower. Things really ARE back to normal!
Shaking....
... all over. Can't stop.
It's like I've been put through a tree chopper and reassembled to look roughly like the person I was before.
Lawyers threw around GIGANTIC issues as though they were discussing last nights' fish and chip wrapping. The Court Counsellor's report was barely raised. DH's past behaviour was not addressed at all. It was all about compromise and legal-blame.
THANKYOU for all of your good wishes and loving thoughts. I swear they worked.
Things are NOT exactly the same as they were before, but they are only slightly changed.
Instead of getting 50/50 shared parenting, DH received one extra night a fortnight. I should be jumping for joy, but I know how devastated the boys will be at hearing this news. I was able to establish that we have one month before this new arrangement takes place, and that it gets re-assessed in 6 months before becoming final, but the reality is that it will be almost impossible for me to "prove" to the court that it is not working. I mean, if they didn't pay attention to the Court Counsellor's report, what weight will they place on the mothers' opinion? I can therefore only pray that it does work, and that DH lifts his game, and that in 6 months we are all happy to finalise it.
SmartGirl was amazing. She really was. She was also wonderful at clearing the room at the end when, after DH left, I covered my face with my hands and sobbed and sobbed. I was shaking too much to even stand up. She told me that I had been brilliant and had said all the right things and that this was a big win in the current Family Court environment.... and yet she understood that it was incredibly stressful for me and that I did not see it as the best outcome for the boys.
Sitting directly across a 2 foot wide table from DH was beyond agony. He was pathetic. He kept talking about what "he" wanted, and not about what would be best for the boys. He said that he wanted this resolved because he didn't want to continually cry about something that happened 12 years ago. And that he wanted to have court orders so that he felt like a father.
Are you kidding me? Firstly... get a THERAPIST... not a lawyer. Secondly... court orders DO NOT a father make.
What a loser.
The financial matter did not get resolved. His lawyer (CF.... I refuse to expand on those initials on the grounds that the C stands for a word that I would never otherwise use in real life) said that the initial spousal maintenance orders should never have been made, and therefore should be dismissed. Obviously nobody has ever left her pregnant and with a babe in arms. I should have been out supporting myself I suppose. Stupid, selfish me.
We are off to court on July 20 for the financial issues to be decided by a judge. There is no other way. SmartGirl will be in Paris on holiday then, and CF refuses to postpone the hearing date, so I'll only have my Barrister. Apparently DH's bank accounts are all frozen... hopefully by the CSA... and she obviously won't postpone because she doesn't want to wait to get her bills paid.
The ICL (Independent Children's Lawyer) was the one who decided upon the outcome. She obviously worked very hard to get DH and CF to back down from 50/50 (we weren't in the room for that conversation) and then had to convince me to agree to it as well. She tried to insist that I not tell the boys anything about the outcome.... and said that she would see them within the next two weeks to tell them herself. WHAT?
I explained that that was a totally unrealistic situation, and that it was better if I told the boys that we were going to trial the extra nights and reassured them that DH and I had agreed upon it because we both wanted what's best for them. She did, finally, agree to that.
Honestly.... to all of you who are family court lawyers out there... good on you for working in a messy and horrendous environment. I know you must do it because you want to make a positive difference (except for CF) but CAN YOU PLEASE NOT ASSUME THAT EVERY PARENT IS A MORON? (Except for SmartGirl.)
Thank you.
So.....
I expect that I'll be in shock for a few days.
I'm planning to take the boys out to dinner tonight to celebrate the end of the legal battle between Mummy and Daddy (they don't know about the Financial stuff). And to emphasise that DH and I were able to agree (it's not a lie... just an omission of the fact that it took 8 months and 4 lawyers in the room to reach the agreement), and to TRY to make the extra night seem shiny and exciting for them.
And I expect that I'll continue to randomly burst into tears for at least a couple of days.
Is it really over? Can't quite believe it. Guess I won't until the Financial Issue is sorted as well.
It's like I've been put through a tree chopper and reassembled to look roughly like the person I was before.
Lawyers threw around GIGANTIC issues as though they were discussing last nights' fish and chip wrapping. The Court Counsellor's report was barely raised. DH's past behaviour was not addressed at all. It was all about compromise and legal-blame.
THANKYOU for all of your good wishes and loving thoughts. I swear they worked.
Things are NOT exactly the same as they were before, but they are only slightly changed.
Instead of getting 50/50 shared parenting, DH received one extra night a fortnight. I should be jumping for joy, but I know how devastated the boys will be at hearing this news. I was able to establish that we have one month before this new arrangement takes place, and that it gets re-assessed in 6 months before becoming final, but the reality is that it will be almost impossible for me to "prove" to the court that it is not working. I mean, if they didn't pay attention to the Court Counsellor's report, what weight will they place on the mothers' opinion? I can therefore only pray that it does work, and that DH lifts his game, and that in 6 months we are all happy to finalise it.
SmartGirl was amazing. She really was. She was also wonderful at clearing the room at the end when, after DH left, I covered my face with my hands and sobbed and sobbed. I was shaking too much to even stand up. She told me that I had been brilliant and had said all the right things and that this was a big win in the current Family Court environment.... and yet she understood that it was incredibly stressful for me and that I did not see it as the best outcome for the boys.
Sitting directly across a 2 foot wide table from DH was beyond agony. He was pathetic. He kept talking about what "he" wanted, and not about what would be best for the boys. He said that he wanted this resolved because he didn't want to continually cry about something that happened 12 years ago. And that he wanted to have court orders so that he felt like a father.
Are you kidding me? Firstly... get a THERAPIST... not a lawyer. Secondly... court orders DO NOT a father make.
What a loser.
The financial matter did not get resolved. His lawyer (CF.... I refuse to expand on those initials on the grounds that the C stands for a word that I would never otherwise use in real life) said that the initial spousal maintenance orders should never have been made, and therefore should be dismissed. Obviously nobody has ever left her pregnant and with a babe in arms. I should have been out supporting myself I suppose. Stupid, selfish me.
We are off to court on July 20 for the financial issues to be decided by a judge. There is no other way. SmartGirl will be in Paris on holiday then, and CF refuses to postpone the hearing date, so I'll only have my Barrister. Apparently DH's bank accounts are all frozen... hopefully by the CSA... and she obviously won't postpone because she doesn't want to wait to get her bills paid.
The ICL (Independent Children's Lawyer) was the one who decided upon the outcome. She obviously worked very hard to get DH and CF to back down from 50/50 (we weren't in the room for that conversation) and then had to convince me to agree to it as well. She tried to insist that I not tell the boys anything about the outcome.... and said that she would see them within the next two weeks to tell them herself. WHAT?
I explained that that was a totally unrealistic situation, and that it was better if I told the boys that we were going to trial the extra nights and reassured them that DH and I had agreed upon it because we both wanted what's best for them. She did, finally, agree to that.
Honestly.... to all of you who are family court lawyers out there... good on you for working in a messy and horrendous environment. I know you must do it because you want to make a positive difference (except for CF) but CAN YOU PLEASE NOT ASSUME THAT EVERY PARENT IS A MORON? (Except for SmartGirl.)
Thank you.
So.....
I expect that I'll be in shock for a few days.
I'm planning to take the boys out to dinner tonight to celebrate the end of the legal battle between Mummy and Daddy (they don't know about the Financial stuff). And to emphasise that DH and I were able to agree (it's not a lie... just an omission of the fact that it took 8 months and 4 lawyers in the room to reach the agreement), and to TRY to make the extra night seem shiny and exciting for them.
And I expect that I'll continue to randomly burst into tears for at least a couple of days.
Is it really over? Can't quite believe it. Guess I won't until the Financial Issue is sorted as well.
I'm so nervous....
...I'm nauseous and anxious and having trouble breathing normally.
Despite my wonderful optimism.
The Family Dispute Resolution conference is in less than 2 hours.
I managed to distract myself all weekend but it suddenly hit me last night and I'm a quivering wreck.
Will update here as soon as it's all over.
Cross your fingers for my boys and me Blogland. Please.
Despite my wonderful optimism.
The Family Dispute Resolution conference is in less than 2 hours.
I managed to distract myself all weekend but it suddenly hit me last night and I'm a quivering wreck.
Will update here as soon as it's all over.
Cross your fingers for my boys and me Blogland. Please.
Friday, June 12, 2009
My face hurts....
... from GRINNING!!!
Now... it ain't over until the fat lady sings... but today we received the report from the Family Court Counsellor and it is STRONGLY in our favour!!
In fact, she writes that it would NOT be in the boys' best interests to change their current living arrangements! Those are STRONG words from a family court counsellor. Amazing!
So, we have the mediation on Monday and we may possibly be able to settle the parenting matter. With no change to the current living arrangements!
The financial matter is also looking pretty good. Smart Girl has come up with some tough arguments and is feeling very confident about it.
I can't tell you how wonderful I feel. And I'm not going to let caution deny me this much missed feeling of optimism. I'll deal with the disappointment if I have to, but right now I'm feeling as though I'm walking on air.
Walk with me, everybody!!
Now... it ain't over until the fat lady sings... but today we received the report from the Family Court Counsellor and it is STRONGLY in our favour!!
In fact, she writes that it would NOT be in the boys' best interests to change their current living arrangements! Those are STRONG words from a family court counsellor. Amazing!
So, we have the mediation on Monday and we may possibly be able to settle the parenting matter. With no change to the current living arrangements!
The financial matter is also looking pretty good. Smart Girl has come up with some tough arguments and is feeling very confident about it.
I can't tell you how wonderful I feel. And I'm not going to let caution deny me this much missed feeling of optimism. I'll deal with the disappointment if I have to, but right now I'm feeling as though I'm walking on air.
Walk with me, everybody!!
Sunday, June 7, 2009
Testing (one, two) Testing (tap, tap)....
Sorry for the looooooong radio silence.
It's been a morass of legal wrangling and emotional juggling here in my corner of blogland.
Smart Girl (aka my lawyer) is a powerhouse of awesomeness. The upside of that is that I feel confident in her decision-making and in the direction that she is leading my arguments, and the downside is that I'm running around doing and finding and documenting and meeting and basically focusing every breathing moment on ensuring that I am keeping up my end of the deal.
We met with my Barrister the other day, and, again, I was incredibly impressed with his approach to our argument. It was exciting to watch the way he was able to reference our facts to specific family law legislations. And, as well as being phenomenally competent, he displayed genuine empathy for me and my situation.
We have a Family Dispute Resolution conference next week. This is the last chance for negotiations. I'm dreading having to face DH and his lawyer in a round table setting, but am kind of looking forward to hearing what, if any, negotiating points he is prepared to raise.
*sigh*
Other than that....
Today I went to a "Laughing Workshop" at the Sydney Opera House and sobbed through the entire second half. Sheesh. It was run by an amazing musician and "laugh-master" called Laraaji, whose concert I also went to on Friday night.
Apparently the line between laughter and crying is a fine one, and if we force ourselves to laugh whilst we are holding in great sorrow, we can inadvertently open the floodgates. I'm glad he said that... especially as I was the only one in the room whose floodgates had been ripped open by a herd of bulls.
I'm still recovering.
In a way it really did work, as I now laugh every time I think about silently sobbing (you know.... all gulps, snot and tears) in a room full of people who looked and sounded as though they were hyenas on acid. Bloody funny really.
It's been a morass of legal wrangling and emotional juggling here in my corner of blogland.
Smart Girl (aka my lawyer) is a powerhouse of awesomeness. The upside of that is that I feel confident in her decision-making and in the direction that she is leading my arguments, and the downside is that I'm running around doing and finding and documenting and meeting and basically focusing every breathing moment on ensuring that I am keeping up my end of the deal.
We met with my Barrister the other day, and, again, I was incredibly impressed with his approach to our argument. It was exciting to watch the way he was able to reference our facts to specific family law legislations. And, as well as being phenomenally competent, he displayed genuine empathy for me and my situation.
We have a Family Dispute Resolution conference next week. This is the last chance for negotiations. I'm dreading having to face DH and his lawyer in a round table setting, but am kind of looking forward to hearing what, if any, negotiating points he is prepared to raise.
*sigh*
Other than that....
Today I went to a "Laughing Workshop" at the Sydney Opera House and sobbed through the entire second half. Sheesh. It was run by an amazing musician and "laugh-master" called Laraaji, whose concert I also went to on Friday night.
Apparently the line between laughter and crying is a fine one, and if we force ourselves to laugh whilst we are holding in great sorrow, we can inadvertently open the floodgates. I'm glad he said that... especially as I was the only one in the room whose floodgates had been ripped open by a herd of bulls.
I'm still recovering.
In a way it really did work, as I now laugh every time I think about silently sobbing (you know.... all gulps, snot and tears) in a room full of people who looked and sounded as though they were hyenas on acid. Bloody funny really.
Friday, May 15, 2009
Shuffle * Click *...
Well... *gulp*.... I now have a new lawyer.
I met with her on Wednesday and really REALLY liked her. She was horrified with the manner in which my old lawyer had handled the case and could not see why he had allowed it to get this far and this ugly without beginning any type of negotiation whatsoever. Unless, of course, it was to help pay off his own mortgage.
She was SHOCKED that he would not let me be present during court mentions which involved decisions to be made by me. She told me to insist that I be present during the court mention on Thursday, as I needed him to postpone the next scheduled hearing date of 26 May. I telephoned him after my meeting with .... ummmm.... let's call her "Smart Girl".... and he simply refused to allow me to be present. He also told me that the scheduled hearing date had already been postponed by DH's lawyer. Apparently she had sent him a letter on April 28. Well.... this was now May 13 and HE HADN'T FORWARDED IT TO ME.
So with NO GUILT whatsoever, I authorised Smart Girl to send him a letter notifying him that I want her to represent me, and authorising him to forward all files (upon payment of final account).
Now the gritty hard work begins. Again. But I feel so much stronger knowing that I have a lawyer who's passionate and pissed off on my behalf.
Very empowering.
I met with her on Wednesday and really REALLY liked her. She was horrified with the manner in which my old lawyer had handled the case and could not see why he had allowed it to get this far and this ugly without beginning any type of negotiation whatsoever. Unless, of course, it was to help pay off his own mortgage.
She was SHOCKED that he would not let me be present during court mentions which involved decisions to be made by me. She told me to insist that I be present during the court mention on Thursday, as I needed him to postpone the next scheduled hearing date of 26 May. I telephoned him after my meeting with .... ummmm.... let's call her "Smart Girl".... and he simply refused to allow me to be present. He also told me that the scheduled hearing date had already been postponed by DH's lawyer. Apparently she had sent him a letter on April 28. Well.... this was now May 13 and HE HADN'T FORWARDED IT TO ME.
So with NO GUILT whatsoever, I authorised Smart Girl to send him a letter notifying him that I want her to represent me, and authorising him to forward all files (upon payment of final account).
Now the gritty hard work begins. Again. But I feel so much stronger knowing that I have a lawyer who's passionate and pissed off on my behalf.
Very empowering.
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
New Lawyer...
A close family friend of my parents' spoke to her daughter about my situation. Her daughter, as it turns out, has been a Barristers' Clerk for 25 years and really knows who is who within the Sydney legal fraternity.
She used to send a lot of work DH's lawyers' way, until she began to be too expensive, too aggressive and too arrogant. She told me that DH's lawyer requires $20,000.00 upfront before she will take your case. If DH's financial statement is true, there is no way he could have afforded that. More lies.
She reacted to my story pretty much as most of you have. She said that I needed a new lawyer as I felt that he wasn't "leading" my case. She was shocked at the lack of pro-active steps taken by my lawyer (we seem to only be responding to DH's lawyer - waiting to see how they are leading the case instead of trying to negotiate and outrageously refute his allegations towards me).
And she said that she knows the lawyer just right for me in this situation.
20 minutes later, I was on the phone to my potential new lawyer. And *OH* what a difference just in style of communicating! She said "bastard!" in all the right places (regarding DH), asked for details steps of the case and was quite shocked at the lack of action taken. She was reassuring and calming and said that she knew DH's lawyer well and that her (DH's lawyer) attitude will change once she (DH's lawyer) knows she (my potential new lawyer) is on the case (*phew* - I'm going to have to give them code names!!).
Anyway... the main thing was that she sounded outraged at what I'm being put through by a lawyer (DH's) who is known to be aggressive and bullying and unwilling to negotiate. She also likes to drag things out so that she can justify her $20,000 minimum fee. The impression that I'm getting is that my current lawyer is not "ball-sy" enough to face up to her. My potential new lawyer, however, says that she is. And she's passionate about it.
I'm seeing her next week. The kids are seeing their own lawyer - for the very first time - this afternoon. And we've got a mention in front of the Registrar on Friday morning.
And I'm feeling slightly lighter. As though somebody with the tools and knowledge that I need to access is on my side.
Oh, I still haven't heard back from my current lawyer. I've left him 2 phone messages and sent him 2 emails full of questions. The last thing he wrote to me was "I await your instructions".... without giving me a single idea as to what those instructions could or should be. Those instructions will now probably be "Send my file to ....".
She used to send a lot of work DH's lawyers' way, until she began to be too expensive, too aggressive and too arrogant. She told me that DH's lawyer requires $20,000.00 upfront before she will take your case. If DH's financial statement is true, there is no way he could have afforded that. More lies.
She reacted to my story pretty much as most of you have. She said that I needed a new lawyer as I felt that he wasn't "leading" my case. She was shocked at the lack of pro-active steps taken by my lawyer (we seem to only be responding to DH's lawyer - waiting to see how they are leading the case instead of trying to negotiate and outrageously refute his allegations towards me).
And she said that she knows the lawyer just right for me in this situation.
20 minutes later, I was on the phone to my potential new lawyer. And *OH* what a difference just in style of communicating! She said "bastard!" in all the right places (regarding DH), asked for details steps of the case and was quite shocked at the lack of action taken. She was reassuring and calming and said that she knew DH's lawyer well and that her (DH's lawyer) attitude will change once she (DH's lawyer) knows she (my potential new lawyer) is on the case (*phew* - I'm going to have to give them code names!!).
Anyway... the main thing was that she sounded outraged at what I'm being put through by a lawyer (DH's) who is known to be aggressive and bullying and unwilling to negotiate. She also likes to drag things out so that she can justify her $20,000 minimum fee. The impression that I'm getting is that my current lawyer is not "ball-sy" enough to face up to her. My potential new lawyer, however, says that she is. And she's passionate about it.
I'm seeing her next week. The kids are seeing their own lawyer - for the very first time - this afternoon. And we've got a mention in front of the Registrar on Friday morning.
And I'm feeling slightly lighter. As though somebody with the tools and knowledge that I need to access is on my side.
Oh, I still haven't heard back from my current lawyer. I've left him 2 phone messages and sent him 2 emails full of questions. The last thing he wrote to me was "I await your instructions".... without giving me a single idea as to what those instructions could or should be. Those instructions will now probably be "Send my file to ....".
Monday, May 4, 2009
Great news... not....
Today my mum told me a story about the daughter of a friend of hers.
She was in a very similar situation to me. She had supported her husband financially throughout their marriage and she had bought the marital home with no financial support from her husband.
Her husband left her when she was pregnant with their first child.
And took her to Family Court for a Financial Settlement.
Because she had been a professional with a high earning potential before becoming a single mother, and he had been a tradie with a lower income (just like me and DH)..... he ended up getting the entire house and she had to pay him child support for the 4 nights a fortnight when he cared for their child. Even though she had no income other than her pension.
Yeah, I know. Just another sorry tale about the injustices dished out by the Family Court.
Except that the point of this story is that that man's lawyer was the same one that DH is using.
She probably wore the mother out. She probably kept on going until there was no energy or money or sanity left.
How can any part of society not see that pregnant women, and mothers of young children, are vulnerable when it comes to being traumatised by the use of money and litigation as a weapon against them? How can any part of society not allocate rights to those women regardless of their ability to pay for hot-shot barristers or aggressive lawyers?
THIS mother of young children is barely coping with the process now. I literally did NOT cope with the process when I was pregnant with my second child and responding to DH's applications to the Family Court. And the fact that I fell apart then is being used against me now. I am being labelled "emotionally and mentally unstable" because of my reaction to the manner in which he left me and his resulting litigiousness during my pregnancy.
It was a RESULT. Not a CAUSE. DH is using it as justification as to why our marriage broke down. And now he's using it as evidence that I'm obviously lying while he's obviously telling the truth.
She was in a very similar situation to me. She had supported her husband financially throughout their marriage and she had bought the marital home with no financial support from her husband.
Her husband left her when she was pregnant with their first child.
And took her to Family Court for a Financial Settlement.
Because she had been a professional with a high earning potential before becoming a single mother, and he had been a tradie with a lower income (just like me and DH)..... he ended up getting the entire house and she had to pay him child support for the 4 nights a fortnight when he cared for their child. Even though she had no income other than her pension.
Yeah, I know. Just another sorry tale about the injustices dished out by the Family Court.
Except that the point of this story is that that man's lawyer was the same one that DH is using.
She probably wore the mother out. She probably kept on going until there was no energy or money or sanity left.
How can any part of society not see that pregnant women, and mothers of young children, are vulnerable when it comes to being traumatised by the use of money and litigation as a weapon against them? How can any part of society not allocate rights to those women regardless of their ability to pay for hot-shot barristers or aggressive lawyers?
THIS mother of young children is barely coping with the process now. I literally did NOT cope with the process when I was pregnant with my second child and responding to DH's applications to the Family Court. And the fact that I fell apart then is being used against me now. I am being labelled "emotionally and mentally unstable" because of my reaction to the manner in which he left me and his resulting litigiousness during my pregnancy.
It was a RESULT. Not a CAUSE. DH is using it as justification as to why our marriage broke down. And now he's using it as evidence that I'm obviously lying while he's obviously telling the truth.
Friday, April 24, 2009
That was a long time between posts....
It's been an incredibly stressful week with all of the legal stuff.
The Family Dispute Resolution conference was supposed to have been last Friday... a mandatory "final" effort at agreeing on court orders with DH before the judge gets to decide.
It was supposed to have been the three lawyers representing the boys, DH and me.
But the boys' lawyer was sick and had not met them. And she wouldn't be meeting them before the hearing.
This was a REALLY bad thing, as the biggest thing that my argument has going for it is that the boys' do NOT want to change the current living arrangements, and the boys' lawyer is supposed to present the Family Court Counsellor's report stating that it would be detrimental to the boys if the current arrangements were changed.
But the Resolution conference date was not being changed DESPITE the boys' lawyer not having met the boys. And it was still going to go ahead even if she didn't appear.
This was insane. My lawyer had not been given the Counsellor's report and therefore we could not present any information from it.
And.... if it looked as though I was being the difficult one in terms of deferring the Resolution conference date and therefore seen to be the one not willing to come to an agreement, I could be forced to pay DH's costs as well as mine. ALL of them... not just for this hearing.
So... I made a HUGE fuss with my lawyer and mentioned taking this to the Federal Court if we went ahead with this with the boys' lawyer having not even met with her clients. I was speaking through my .. umm... BUM because I have no idea if I can even do that!
He madly rang all involved, and it turned out that the Court Counsellor had not even prepared a report as she had not been told of the hearing date.
That was it.
Six or seven emails later, the hearing was postponed. By the children's lawyer.
My heart was in my chest all day.
But then the BEST THING HAPPENED!
My lawyer had applied for a check on the Property Index Register. Something that the Child Support Agency had told me that they had done years ago.
And DH owns a property.
With his sister. But it's an asset that he has not mentioned in any of his financial statements to the court or to the child support agency. He also has not reported any income from tenants. It is an asset which can be held against a debt.
Whether it WILL be is another thing altogether. But as long as the debt does not get removed with the application that he is currently lodging, I can put a caveat on the title of the property to ensure that he can never sell it without a court case involving repaying me the money. The outcome of that court case would be the only way to lift the caveat and allow the sale. I can imagine that his sister may need the money at some stage in her lifetime and therefore the sale will be inevitable.
The lying scum bag finally got found out.
I then rang the Child Support Agency to report this latest piece of information, and they told me that our case is now, after SIX bloody years(!!!!)... escalated to the "Intensive Debt Collection" cell. This is where they can run the "level 2 searches" like property searches and Oztrek searches (looking for money going in and out of the country from/to him).
Apparently his need for privacy protected him from having any of those searches run on him before.
I am furious that they have not escalated us to this "cell" before! How big does the debt have to get for that to happen?! How many months/years does he get to NOT pay before that happens?
Still.... the fact that I have found this asset of his has lightened my spirit unbelievably. It's the first good news I've had in a long time.
And, even though I knew he was a lying piece of shit, it gives me even greater satisfaction to have it so blatantly displayed for all the world (and all the judges) to see.
The Family Dispute Resolution conference was supposed to have been last Friday... a mandatory "final" effort at agreeing on court orders with DH before the judge gets to decide.
It was supposed to have been the three lawyers representing the boys, DH and me.
But the boys' lawyer was sick and had not met them. And she wouldn't be meeting them before the hearing.
This was a REALLY bad thing, as the biggest thing that my argument has going for it is that the boys' do NOT want to change the current living arrangements, and the boys' lawyer is supposed to present the Family Court Counsellor's report stating that it would be detrimental to the boys if the current arrangements were changed.
But the Resolution conference date was not being changed DESPITE the boys' lawyer not having met the boys. And it was still going to go ahead even if she didn't appear.
This was insane. My lawyer had not been given the Counsellor's report and therefore we could not present any information from it.
And.... if it looked as though I was being the difficult one in terms of deferring the Resolution conference date and therefore seen to be the one not willing to come to an agreement, I could be forced to pay DH's costs as well as mine. ALL of them... not just for this hearing.
So... I made a HUGE fuss with my lawyer and mentioned taking this to the Federal Court if we went ahead with this with the boys' lawyer having not even met with her clients. I was speaking through my .. umm... BUM because I have no idea if I can even do that!
He madly rang all involved, and it turned out that the Court Counsellor had not even prepared a report as she had not been told of the hearing date.
That was it.
Six or seven emails later, the hearing was postponed. By the children's lawyer.
My heart was in my chest all day.
But then the BEST THING HAPPENED!
My lawyer had applied for a check on the Property Index Register. Something that the Child Support Agency had told me that they had done years ago.
And DH owns a property.
With his sister. But it's an asset that he has not mentioned in any of his financial statements to the court or to the child support agency. He also has not reported any income from tenants. It is an asset which can be held against a debt.
Whether it WILL be is another thing altogether. But as long as the debt does not get removed with the application that he is currently lodging, I can put a caveat on the title of the property to ensure that he can never sell it without a court case involving repaying me the money. The outcome of that court case would be the only way to lift the caveat and allow the sale. I can imagine that his sister may need the money at some stage in her lifetime and therefore the sale will be inevitable.
The lying scum bag finally got found out.
I then rang the Child Support Agency to report this latest piece of information, and they told me that our case is now, after SIX bloody years(!!!!)... escalated to the "Intensive Debt Collection" cell. This is where they can run the "level 2 searches" like property searches and Oztrek searches (looking for money going in and out of the country from/to him).
Apparently his need for privacy protected him from having any of those searches run on him before.
I am furious that they have not escalated us to this "cell" before! How big does the debt have to get for that to happen?! How many months/years does he get to NOT pay before that happens?
Still.... the fact that I have found this asset of his has lightened my spirit unbelievably. It's the first good news I've had in a long time.
And, even though I knew he was a lying piece of shit, it gives me even greater satisfaction to have it so blatantly displayed for all the world (and all the judges) to see.
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
UNbelievable....
Despite everything that he was told in the Family Court Ordered Counselling session (here) about the boys' wishes and that in the opinion of the Counsellor (who has 25 years of experience as a Family Court Counsellor) :
.... DH is continuing with the legal action.
Never mind that, in the counselling session, he agreed to work out a parenting plan with the counsellor and me.
Never mind that he knows that this stuff is damaging our children in ways which we may never ever know.
I'm SO pissed off. And I'm pissed off with myself for believing YET AGAIN that he could possibly put the children's needs before his own. And I'm shattered and horrified by the devastation that will cause my boys. They have been different children since being told that there was every chance that the legal stuff would stop.
And I think I was right to tell them that. After all, DH did agree to it. I even questioned his agreeing to it and he emphasised that he would do it.
I knew that we still had a road to go to actually work out a parenting plan... but it would be nothing compared to the road we're on which ultimately leads to a Judicial Registrar deciding what's best for our children based upon whose lawyer is best able to articulate, instead of listening to what is actually best for the boys.
Now it's about the children seeing their own lawyer and then all 3 lawyers battling it out. And if we don't come to an agreement, then it's up to the Judicial Registrar. Oh, and the Counsellor's report may or may not be taken into account by the Judicial Registrar. It's up to them.
The boys' have an appointment with their lawyer this Thursday. They're with DH all this week. Which means that I won't see them before then. I can call them on their mobile phones, but DH always stays nearby and they are uncomfortable talking to me that way. Still, knowing how intimidated they are by him, I will call them before their appointment just to tell them to stick to their truths and to say the same things that they said to the Counsellor. Just pray that their phones are on and within range.
I spoke to my lawyer today, and he said that DH's lawyer was encouraging DH to battle this out. My lawyer ran into her at Court today, and apparently she told him to tell his client (me) to reach a compromise.
Oh, and that they were attaching NEW orders to get rid of the Spousal Maintenance. He's never paid a cent of that anyway. Not ONE cent. I'm happy to get rid of that. I just wish I could use it as leverage to get him to LEAVE MY CHILDREN ALONE.
Sorry for the rant.
I'm just so incredibly pissed off.
- It would NOT be in the best interests of the boys to change the current living arrangements
- DH's relationship with the boys will deteriorate dramatically if he continues the legal action
- Both boys STRONGLY do not want to change the current living arrangements
.... DH is continuing with the legal action.
Never mind that, in the counselling session, he agreed to work out a parenting plan with the counsellor and me.
Never mind that he knows that this stuff is damaging our children in ways which we may never ever know.
I'm SO pissed off. And I'm pissed off with myself for believing YET AGAIN that he could possibly put the children's needs before his own. And I'm shattered and horrified by the devastation that will cause my boys. They have been different children since being told that there was every chance that the legal stuff would stop.
And I think I was right to tell them that. After all, DH did agree to it. I even questioned his agreeing to it and he emphasised that he would do it.
I knew that we still had a road to go to actually work out a parenting plan... but it would be nothing compared to the road we're on which ultimately leads to a Judicial Registrar deciding what's best for our children based upon whose lawyer is best able to articulate, instead of listening to what is actually best for the boys.
Now it's about the children seeing their own lawyer and then all 3 lawyers battling it out. And if we don't come to an agreement, then it's up to the Judicial Registrar. Oh, and the Counsellor's report may or may not be taken into account by the Judicial Registrar. It's up to them.
The boys' have an appointment with their lawyer this Thursday. They're with DH all this week. Which means that I won't see them before then. I can call them on their mobile phones, but DH always stays nearby and they are uncomfortable talking to me that way. Still, knowing how intimidated they are by him, I will call them before their appointment just to tell them to stick to their truths and to say the same things that they said to the Counsellor. Just pray that their phones are on and within range.
I spoke to my lawyer today, and he said that DH's lawyer was encouraging DH to battle this out. My lawyer ran into her at Court today, and apparently she told him to tell his client (me) to reach a compromise.
Oh, and that they were attaching NEW orders to get rid of the Spousal Maintenance. He's never paid a cent of that anyway. Not ONE cent. I'm happy to get rid of that. I just wish I could use it as leverage to get him to LEAVE MY CHILDREN ALONE.
Sorry for the rant.
I'm just so incredibly pissed off.
Friday, April 10, 2009
Woof woof....
Happy Good Friday everyone... from my germ-riddled home to yours!
Yes, I'm sick as a dog. Barking sick. No voice. Blocked nose. Fever. Headache. And I'm not handling it well. I'm calling it "Man-Flu" because I feel like I'm dying whilst knowing that it's only a case of the flu.
Boo has had it all week. I kept him home from school as I didn't want him to pass it on to others just before our Easter Holidays, and he obviously gave it to me.
Which meant that I have missed out on lots of lovely social activities. Ah well.
We did, however, attend a wonderful Passover celebration on Wednesday night at our good friend Jenni's. It was the first time my boys had attended Passover, and, although they didn't really appreciate all of the food, they loved the ceremonial aspects and learning the history of the holiday.
They're off to DH's today for the first week of the holidays. I'm dreading the silence and agony of missing them. They've been SO much happier since their session with the Family Court counsellor. The relief of telling their truth to her, and of finding out that it's now much more likely that they will continue to live with me, has lifted an enormous burden from their small shoulders.
This week will be the first time they've seen DH since it all happened though, and they're a bit nervous about his reaction to all that they told the counsellor. I have told them that I will come and get them at any time if they are feeling worried and if DH is threatening them in any way (of course I didn't use those words at all.... just said to call me if they were scared of Daddy's anger) even though he's taking them 3.5 hours out of Sydney for the Easter weekend.
Fingers crossed he doesn't take his frustration out on them.
Yes, I'm sick as a dog. Barking sick. No voice. Blocked nose. Fever. Headache. And I'm not handling it well. I'm calling it "Man-Flu" because I feel like I'm dying whilst knowing that it's only a case of the flu.
Boo has had it all week. I kept him home from school as I didn't want him to pass it on to others just before our Easter Holidays, and he obviously gave it to me.
Which meant that I have missed out on lots of lovely social activities. Ah well.
We did, however, attend a wonderful Passover celebration on Wednesday night at our good friend Jenni's. It was the first time my boys had attended Passover, and, although they didn't really appreciate all of the food, they loved the ceremonial aspects and learning the history of the holiday.
They're off to DH's today for the first week of the holidays. I'm dreading the silence and agony of missing them. They've been SO much happier since their session with the Family Court counsellor. The relief of telling their truth to her, and of finding out that it's now much more likely that they will continue to live with me, has lifted an enormous burden from their small shoulders.
This week will be the first time they've seen DH since it all happened though, and they're a bit nervous about his reaction to all that they told the counsellor. I have told them that I will come and get them at any time if they are feeling worried and if DH is threatening them in any way (of course I didn't use those words at all.... just said to call me if they were scared of Daddy's anger) even though he's taking them 3.5 hours out of Sydney for the Easter weekend.
Fingers crossed he doesn't take his frustration out on them.
Friday, April 3, 2009
The Family Court Counselling. Where do I start?...
It was five hours. Three hours of being with DH in a small room and two hours of anxiously waiting while my babies were being counselled about what their wishes were.
At no time were the 4 of use in the counselling room together... thank god. The counsellor obviously took one whiff of the tension between DH and me and realised that it would NOT be good for the kids.
So... I'll do my best to share what happened. There was a lot said though, and I was incredibly emotional, so I cannot remember everything.
I remember that the counsellor was not very warm or friendly. Sure, she needs to stay detached, but I felt that she was quite judgmental.
DH was trying to paint a picture of himself as a saint-like father who was fighting the “good fight” (against a wicked witch) to see more of his kids before they grow up. He said things like “I know that, as boys, they need their father more than their mother now and I want them to live with me so that they can have a proper relationship with me”. He said that I had always used the issue of money (unpaid child support) to keep him feeling guilty, which had led him to not being able to communicate with me, which led him to this legal action.
Every single thing he said was about blaming me.
At one point we flared up at each other. The counsellor was talking about the “open wound” of our separation 11 years ago as the primary cause of all of our problems. DH said something along the lines of “She made me leave her. She was depressed and pregnant and was impossible to live with. No man would have stayed in that situation” and I sat up in my chair, turned to face him, and, shaking and crying, said “No decent man would leave his pregnant wife and baby because she was suffering from AN ILLNESS!! And then SUE HER FOR MONEY! And then NOT PAY CHILD SUPPORT”. The counsellor was telling me that she heard him say that he was suffering enormous guilt from having left like that and I said that I could not hear any of that in the words that he was saying, and that if he felt guilt, why had he never fulfilled his financial and moral obligations in the following 11 years. And DH interrupted to say that HE did not sue me, his LAWYERS sued me. Apparently not his responsibility at all.
She said that I had equal responsibility in all of that because I could not forgive him.
*&*@%#^$%@%&#%%@&*#%#@*(#&^$#%
ARE YOU KIDDING ME?????
Not long after that, he and I were sent to wait (I went outside the building so that I would not have to sit in the waiting room with him) while she spoke to the boys. I was tearful and faint, and, knowing that every word said in that room is reportable to the Judicial Registrar (the judge) worried that I had blown it.
Two hours later, DH and I were back in her room. I was determined to be non-reactive this time.
She told us about her time with the boys, about her impressions of them. They were remarkably accurate.
She had said to the boys that if they had 3 wishes, what would they be?
Boo said “1. That my parents stop fighting. 2. That the court case ends. 3. That I have unlimited wishes” (that’s my boy!!)
Toto said “1. That the court case ends. 2. That my parents start talking. 3. That's all I want.”
And then she told us that both boys felt very strongly that they DID NOT WANT TO CHANGE THE CURRENT LIVING ARRANGEMENTS. And that she felt strongly that it would not be in the boys best interests to do so.
I burst into tears. Tears of relief. Tears of amazement that my boys had overcome their fear of DH’s reactions to their words in order to tell their truths.
She went on to tell DH that both boys loved him, but had major concerns about his anger. She said that there was a HUGE difference in our parenting styles, and that the boys felt unsafe with DH and safe with me. When asked what they did when they were angry with their mother, both boys answered “I’ve never been angry with my mother”. When asked what they did when they were angry with their father, Toto said “I hide and get anxious and have trouble breathing and cry”. Boo said “I play my games and refuse to talk to him”.
Both boys brought up the incident in the back lane last March, and the counsellor emphasised to DH how inappropriate his behaviour had been. He crapped on and tried to defend himself, but she shut him down and told him that he had to apologise to the boys about it. One year later, and he still hadn’t done that! Sheesh.
(I've just realised that I haven't ever written about that horrendous incident in the back lane last March. DH was furious with them for having telephoned me because they were terrified as he had left them alone for a long period of time. He lives in the red-light district of Sydney and they get very scared there. I had jumped into my car and driven over there... not to take them home but to stay with them until DH returned. He returned before I got there, and was FURIOUS with them! He told them that if they went home with me they may as well never return. He then put them out in the back lane (unlit and very scary) and closed his garage door. By the time I got there they were scared out of their wits and absolutely hysterical. I took them home, calming them down, telling them that their Dad really loved them and was just angry and would be feeling awful about having done what he did etc etc. He wasn't feeling awful. In fact, he rang up over an hour later still wanting to yell at them for not showing him respect.
It was after that event that the boys refused to stay overnight at DH's house for a couple of weeks. Apparently he left them alone there A LOT. And got that angry A LOT. They had had enough. A few weeks later I convinced them to stay over on the weekend nights that they were there... and that is what they have been doing ever since.)
The boys also said that when they were at DH’s, his flatmate was always there, and he always had friends over. They said that the only times that they were ever alone with him was when they were playing sport.... and even then he was yelling at them and correcting them. She suggested that he attend some sort of parenting programme to help him learn how to respond to their behaviour differently.
He kept defending himself, telling her that Boo was defiant and Toto was easily upset, and she asked me how I handled those aspects of their personalities. I told her that I treated them equally and consistently in terms of behavioral consequences and rewards, and therefore didn’t really see those behaviours at home. She seemed to doubt me, but I explained that I had done parenting courses early on, and had the ongoing support of a Child and Family Psychiatrist and had worked very hard on being consistent when it came to behavioral issues. The kids fought with each other, I got angry with them for procrastinating with chores etc, but nothing ever blew up into a drama. She believed me then.
DH kept referring to the number of nights that he had the boys to stay, and comparing his with his divorced friends. The counsellor explained to him that the number of nights has no bearing on the type of relationship that he could have with his children. She spelled it out by saying that many divorced parents who have equal time with their children have lousy relationships with them, and many who have only minimal access have wonderful relationships with them. It was about quality rather than quantity.
She also said that the situation would be different if he had ever lived with them.
Then she said that, in her opinion, based upon doing this job for 25 years, if he persisted with this court case his relationship with the boys would deteriorate dramatically. She said it was not necessarily fair, but that, because they had always lived with me and felt safe and secure with me, they would perceive his litigiousness as an attack upon me. DH said that that was because I was telling them that, and she emphasised that that was definitely not the case. She said that it was normal for boys to become their mothers' "White Knights". Even if that meant protecting her from their father.
She said that the one thing that we had both been doing right was not denigrating the other parent to the boys. She told him that the boys were aligned with me because I was the parent they wanted to live with, NOT because I had convinced them to say that to the court.
She said that both boys had told her about trying to tell DH that they didn't want to live with him, and about him telling them that they didn't know their own minds, and that they were being "manipulated" by me. She told him that that was detrimental to his relationship with them.
She then suggested that we meet with her again in order to draw up a Parenting Plan which would then be lodged with the court. She emphasised that, because of the boys’ ages, it would not really be enforceable, but that it would end the legal battle and would end the stress upon the boys.
Now, I agreed to this, and DH said yes, but he sounded insincere and I won’t believe it until I see it.
*sigh*
A lot of what was said was about DH and me resolving our differences and beginning a new co-parenting relationship for the sake of the kids.
I said that it would take more than a simple decision in order for that to happen.
I have too much anger. I don’t trust him.
He would need to offer to pay some or all of his debt to me. He would need to sincerely apologise to me. He would need to show me that he is trustworthy.
And he said that I would need to apologise to him for god knows’ what. Seriously. I don’t know what I need to apologise to him for. Oh, and that the debt would need to be wiped as he doesn't have the money to pay it and shouldn't have to go into bankruptcy.
Read the story of our breakup here, if you haven’t already.
He’s been the bastard for 11 years. I’ve reacted to him letting the boys down and lying to me, but I haven’t instigated nastiness or lied to him or cheated him or denied him access to his boys.
So, good luck to us on that one.
Of course I want it for the boys. And I said in that room that I would love to have a decent co-parenting relationship for the sake of the boys.
Maybe I’m not a big enough person. Maybe I’m too selfish. I know all of that stuff about how when you’re angry with someone else you’re only poisoning yourself.... but I am not a saint.
Enough. I’m totally knackered from re-living it for this post. There was heaps more. I may think of more later and edit.
In the meantime, the boys and I are going away for the weekend with a girlfriend of mine and her son, and we’re also taking my godson along. Should be lovely.
At no time were the 4 of use in the counselling room together... thank god. The counsellor obviously took one whiff of the tension between DH and me and realised that it would NOT be good for the kids.
So... I'll do my best to share what happened. There was a lot said though, and I was incredibly emotional, so I cannot remember everything.
I remember that the counsellor was not very warm or friendly. Sure, she needs to stay detached, but I felt that she was quite judgmental.
DH was trying to paint a picture of himself as a saint-like father who was fighting the “good fight” (against a wicked witch) to see more of his kids before they grow up. He said things like “I know that, as boys, they need their father more than their mother now and I want them to live with me so that they can have a proper relationship with me”. He said that I had always used the issue of money (unpaid child support) to keep him feeling guilty, which had led him to not being able to communicate with me, which led him to this legal action.
Every single thing he said was about blaming me.
At one point we flared up at each other. The counsellor was talking about the “open wound” of our separation 11 years ago as the primary cause of all of our problems. DH said something along the lines of “She made me leave her. She was depressed and pregnant and was impossible to live with. No man would have stayed in that situation” and I sat up in my chair, turned to face him, and, shaking and crying, said “No decent man would leave his pregnant wife and baby because she was suffering from AN ILLNESS!! And then SUE HER FOR MONEY! And then NOT PAY CHILD SUPPORT”. The counsellor was telling me that she heard him say that he was suffering enormous guilt from having left like that and I said that I could not hear any of that in the words that he was saying, and that if he felt guilt, why had he never fulfilled his financial and moral obligations in the following 11 years. And DH interrupted to say that HE did not sue me, his LAWYERS sued me. Apparently not his responsibility at all.
She said that I had equal responsibility in all of that because I could not forgive him.
*&*@%#^$%@%&#%%@&*#%#@*(#&^$#%
ARE YOU KIDDING ME?????
Not long after that, he and I were sent to wait (I went outside the building so that I would not have to sit in the waiting room with him) while she spoke to the boys. I was tearful and faint, and, knowing that every word said in that room is reportable to the Judicial Registrar (the judge) worried that I had blown it.
Two hours later, DH and I were back in her room. I was determined to be non-reactive this time.
She told us about her time with the boys, about her impressions of them. They were remarkably accurate.
She had said to the boys that if they had 3 wishes, what would they be?
Boo said “1. That my parents stop fighting. 2. That the court case ends. 3. That I have unlimited wishes” (that’s my boy!!)
Toto said “1. That the court case ends. 2. That my parents start talking. 3. That's all I want.”
And then she told us that both boys felt very strongly that they DID NOT WANT TO CHANGE THE CURRENT LIVING ARRANGEMENTS. And that she felt strongly that it would not be in the boys best interests to do so.
I burst into tears. Tears of relief. Tears of amazement that my boys had overcome their fear of DH’s reactions to their words in order to tell their truths.
She went on to tell DH that both boys loved him, but had major concerns about his anger. She said that there was a HUGE difference in our parenting styles, and that the boys felt unsafe with DH and safe with me. When asked what they did when they were angry with their mother, both boys answered “I’ve never been angry with my mother”. When asked what they did when they were angry with their father, Toto said “I hide and get anxious and have trouble breathing and cry”. Boo said “I play my games and refuse to talk to him”.
Both boys brought up the incident in the back lane last March, and the counsellor emphasised to DH how inappropriate his behaviour had been. He crapped on and tried to defend himself, but she shut him down and told him that he had to apologise to the boys about it. One year later, and he still hadn’t done that! Sheesh.
(I've just realised that I haven't ever written about that horrendous incident in the back lane last March. DH was furious with them for having telephoned me because they were terrified as he had left them alone for a long period of time. He lives in the red-light district of Sydney and they get very scared there. I had jumped into my car and driven over there... not to take them home but to stay with them until DH returned. He returned before I got there, and was FURIOUS with them! He told them that if they went home with me they may as well never return. He then put them out in the back lane (unlit and very scary) and closed his garage door. By the time I got there they were scared out of their wits and absolutely hysterical. I took them home, calming them down, telling them that their Dad really loved them and was just angry and would be feeling awful about having done what he did etc etc. He wasn't feeling awful. In fact, he rang up over an hour later still wanting to yell at them for not showing him respect.
It was after that event that the boys refused to stay overnight at DH's house for a couple of weeks. Apparently he left them alone there A LOT. And got that angry A LOT. They had had enough. A few weeks later I convinced them to stay over on the weekend nights that they were there... and that is what they have been doing ever since.)
The boys also said that when they were at DH’s, his flatmate was always there, and he always had friends over. They said that the only times that they were ever alone with him was when they were playing sport.... and even then he was yelling at them and correcting them. She suggested that he attend some sort of parenting programme to help him learn how to respond to their behaviour differently.
He kept defending himself, telling her that Boo was defiant and Toto was easily upset, and she asked me how I handled those aspects of their personalities. I told her that I treated them equally and consistently in terms of behavioral consequences and rewards, and therefore didn’t really see those behaviours at home. She seemed to doubt me, but I explained that I had done parenting courses early on, and had the ongoing support of a Child and Family Psychiatrist and had worked very hard on being consistent when it came to behavioral issues. The kids fought with each other, I got angry with them for procrastinating with chores etc, but nothing ever blew up into a drama. She believed me then.
DH kept referring to the number of nights that he had the boys to stay, and comparing his with his divorced friends. The counsellor explained to him that the number of nights has no bearing on the type of relationship that he could have with his children. She spelled it out by saying that many divorced parents who have equal time with their children have lousy relationships with them, and many who have only minimal access have wonderful relationships with them. It was about quality rather than quantity.
She also said that the situation would be different if he had ever lived with them.
Then she said that, in her opinion, based upon doing this job for 25 years, if he persisted with this court case his relationship with the boys would deteriorate dramatically. She said it was not necessarily fair, but that, because they had always lived with me and felt safe and secure with me, they would perceive his litigiousness as an attack upon me. DH said that that was because I was telling them that, and she emphasised that that was definitely not the case. She said that it was normal for boys to become their mothers' "White Knights". Even if that meant protecting her from their father.
She said that the one thing that we had both been doing right was not denigrating the other parent to the boys. She told him that the boys were aligned with me because I was the parent they wanted to live with, NOT because I had convinced them to say that to the court.
She said that both boys had told her about trying to tell DH that they didn't want to live with him, and about him telling them that they didn't know their own minds, and that they were being "manipulated" by me. She told him that that was detrimental to his relationship with them.
She then suggested that we meet with her again in order to draw up a Parenting Plan which would then be lodged with the court. She emphasised that, because of the boys’ ages, it would not really be enforceable, but that it would end the legal battle and would end the stress upon the boys.
Now, I agreed to this, and DH said yes, but he sounded insincere and I won’t believe it until I see it.
*sigh*
A lot of what was said was about DH and me resolving our differences and beginning a new co-parenting relationship for the sake of the kids.
I said that it would take more than a simple decision in order for that to happen.
I have too much anger. I don’t trust him.
He would need to offer to pay some or all of his debt to me. He would need to sincerely apologise to me. He would need to show me that he is trustworthy.
And he said that I would need to apologise to him for god knows’ what. Seriously. I don’t know what I need to apologise to him for. Oh, and that the debt would need to be wiped as he doesn't have the money to pay it and shouldn't have to go into bankruptcy.
Read the story of our breakup here, if you haven’t already.
He’s been the bastard for 11 years. I’ve reacted to him letting the boys down and lying to me, but I haven’t instigated nastiness or lied to him or cheated him or denied him access to his boys.
So, good luck to us on that one.
Of course I want it for the boys. And I said in that room that I would love to have a decent co-parenting relationship for the sake of the boys.
Maybe I’m not a big enough person. Maybe I’m too selfish. I know all of that stuff about how when you’re angry with someone else you’re only poisoning yourself.... but I am not a saint.
Enough. I’m totally knackered from re-living it for this post. There was heaps more. I may think of more later and edit.
In the meantime, the boys and I are going away for the weekend with a girlfriend of mine and her son, and we’re also taking my godson along. Should be lovely.
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
Stitches out...
I took Boo to the doctor this morning to get his stitches out.
I told him about the horrendous experience Boo had had getting them put in and asked him if it was possible that Boo was simply immune to local anaesthetics.
Apparently not.
Apparently there is a particular way of injecting them into the wound to ensure that it actually goes in. That way was NOT used by the emergency room doctor. In fact, when I was watching her injecting the anaesthetic into the wound I asked her about the huge amount of it pouring down his face. She told me that it wouldn't make a difference. Grrr.
And apparently you should wait a few minutes before stitching in order to allow the local anaesthetic to do its job. Our emergency room doctor barely paused.
Poor Boo. No wonder he was in such agony.
Our doctor also said that the tetanus shots that he received at the hospital were unnecessary.. and actually useless in this particular situation (he fell on wood... not rusty metal).
Ah well. The stitches are out. The wound looks fine.... healing nicely. Thanks for all your kind words and sympathy.
We've got court-ordered family counselling at the Family Court in the morning.
*Gulp*.
ALL of us. There. Together.
I told him about the horrendous experience Boo had had getting them put in and asked him if it was possible that Boo was simply immune to local anaesthetics.
Apparently not.
Apparently there is a particular way of injecting them into the wound to ensure that it actually goes in. That way was NOT used by the emergency room doctor. In fact, when I was watching her injecting the anaesthetic into the wound I asked her about the huge amount of it pouring down his face. She told me that it wouldn't make a difference. Grrr.
And apparently you should wait a few minutes before stitching in order to allow the local anaesthetic to do its job. Our emergency room doctor barely paused.
Poor Boo. No wonder he was in such agony.
Our doctor also said that the tetanus shots that he received at the hospital were unnecessary.. and actually useless in this particular situation (he fell on wood... not rusty metal).
Ah well. The stitches are out. The wound looks fine.... healing nicely. Thanks for all your kind words and sympathy.
We've got court-ordered family counselling at the Family Court in the morning.
*Gulp*.
ALL of us. There. Together.
Sunday, March 22, 2009
FAMILY COURT RALLY & PETITION Sunday 3rd MAY 2009
I've taken this straight off a Facebook Group of the same name.
Please sign this petition even if you live outside of Australia. It's an issue which affects so many of our children and our government MUST do something about it....
The death of so many of our country's children at the hand of their parents have shocked us all.
But have they shocked Australian politicians enough to make them review and amend the way the Family Court of Australia deals with children where domestic violence or sexual abuse allegations are made?
We hope so.
We are organizing this petition and a rally to be held in every capital city in Australia.
PLEASE SIGN THE FOLLOWING PETITION
http://www.gopetition.com.au/petitions/family-court-of-australia-amendments.html
Parents (and their family) currently involved in FCA dispute will need to wear red hoods or scarves to disguise themselves so they can't be identified for legal reasons.
Red will signify the blood of Australian children being shed by FCA orders which force children to have access to, or shared care with parents who are violent or sexually abusive.
Please read the discussion forum to see what you can do, the latest updates on the organizing, and more information about the protest.
Importantly, please sign the petition and send it to your networks, personally asking them to pass it on. This is how we CAN make a difference.
We already have media interest and dozens of volunteers helping with this. Be part of an event that will help save children's lives.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This is an extract of a letter sent to the Attorney General's Dept recently. It was forwarded to me by Prof Freda Briggs.
You might find the list of incidents at the end of the extract, pretty amazing. I did.
"Since the reforms of 1996 and 2006, there is a palpable reluctance by the courts to reduce contact between parents and children, even when there is ample evidence that one parent has engaged in behaviours congruent with domestic violence or 'intimate terrorism' as described by the AIFS study where category C is ascribed to the most severe form of interpersonal violence. This is also in spite of The Family Law Act 1975, (Cth) s60B, (b) and (c). Justice Wall from the UK has stated that,
"I was concerned to read in a number of places in the files that reliance was placed on the proposition that it may be safe to order contact where domestic violence had been perpetrated on the mother, but not on the child. In my judgment it needs to be recalled that Drs Sturge and Glaser pointed out that domestic violence involved "a very serious and significant failure in parenting- failure to protect the child and failure to protect the child emotionally (and in some cases physically) - which meets the definition of child abuse. It is, in my view, high time that the Family Justice System abandoned any reliance on the proposition that a man can have a history of violence to the mother of his children but, nonetheless, be a good father."
"However, in Australia the reasoning seems to indicate that the judiciary continues to believe that a parent who has been physically violent to the other does not indicate that they are a danger to the children of the marriage. For example;
"However, on the father's own admission, he has acted in ways that would bear the description of "domestic violence". This includes putting his hands around the neck of the mother. It may be also that other conduct, though falling short of physical assault, but which was aggressive and angry, would also fit that description. He was probably controlling and dominant in the relationship with the mother. This might also fit the description of domestic violence. As well, he was a times physically domineering in applying physical discipline to [the 18 month old child], such as straddling her on the bed and holding her head or face to ensure her attention. All of these behaviours are indications of an approach to relationships and parenting, less than optimal, in times past. As well, it is clear enough that he has not been alert to crossing personal boundaries."
This father continues to have unsupervised contact with this child.
The causal factors between the dynamic of domestic violence, its range of indicators and the dangers this behaviour poses to the children of the marriage continue to be ignored by the judiciary, report writers, the legal practitioners and even the police department. This has resulted in the growing list of deaths of children from a family of origin where domestic violence can be ascribed as the feature of the breakdown in the relationship. Fears for the safety of children are ignored. Consider the following sample:
• 1996 - January 25: Peter May shot and killed his three children, Lisa eleven, Andrew eight, and Natalie seven during a contact visit. On the same day, he also killed his wife and her parents. May's history of domestic violence and links to the Men's Rights Agency was commonly known and reported,
• 1998 – October 23: After Ronald Jonkers lost custody of Aaron DeBaugy 5, Ashlee seventeen months and David seven, he poisoned them by carbon monoxide in their car on a contact visit in Perth,
• 1999 – August: WA four young children were gassed along with their father Mark Heath after a family court dispute,
• 2000 - Rhonda Bartley was shot dead by her ex-partner in Berri while attending a court ordered contact handover of their baby daughter,
• 2001 - September: Mikaylah Green eleven weeks, Taylah Pringle eleven months and Jackson Merrott six, were smothered by their father on a contact visit in Sydney,
• 2002- Ana Hardwick 35 is strangled by her former partner after the family court granted her custody of their eleven and eight year old children,
• 2004 – April 26: Jessie Dalton nineteen months and Patrick Dalton thirteen weeks were smothered by their separated father Jayson Dalton after a family court order to him to return the infants to their mother Dionne,
• 2005 – 4th September: Robert Farquharson killed his sons Jai ten, Tyler seven, and Bailey two, by driving them into a dam in Winchelsea, south-west of Melbourne on Fathers' Day contact visit,
• 2008 – May 9: The body of three year old Imran Zilic, was found after his father threw him down a mine on an access visit,
• 2008 – January 3: Christopher McEwen raped and then killed his daughter Rhiannon McEwen on Bribie Island on New Years Eve. The matter of the children's residency was before the Family Court in 2004 where the father was given residency of all three children. It is not known to this writer if it was by consent. However, this father was cleared by a psychiatrist to leave a Brisbane hospital's mental health unit just nine days before he allegedly raped and murdered his ten-year-old daughter. Queensland Health did not report the man – who had spent two weeks as an involuntary patient in the hospital's mental health unit – to the Department of Child Safety. Given this man's mental condition, the question is how in 2004 was it that he obtained sole custody of his four children aged between six and ten?
• 2009 – January 29: Arthur Freeman unbuckled Darcey from her seat in the family Toyota Land Cruiser on the West Gate Bridge about 9.15am and threw her over the edge and into the Yarra River 58m below. She died in hospital four hours later. The tragedy occurred one day after the Freemans had reached an agreement over access to Darcey and their two other children, Benjamin six, and Jackson two, following their separation in 2007. "
Please sign this petition even if you live outside of Australia. It's an issue which affects so many of our children and our government MUST do something about it....
The death of so many of our country's children at the hand of their parents have shocked us all.
But have they shocked Australian politicians enough to make them review and amend the way the Family Court of Australia deals with children where domestic violence or sexual abuse allegations are made?
We hope so.
We are organizing this petition and a rally to be held in every capital city in Australia.
PLEASE SIGN THE FOLLOWING PETITION
http://www.gopetition.com.
Parents (and their family) currently involved in FCA dispute will need to wear red hoods or scarves to disguise themselves so they can't be identified for legal reasons.
Red will signify the blood of Australian children being shed by FCA orders which force children to have access to, or shared care with parents who are violent or sexually abusive.
Please read the discussion forum to see what you can do, the latest updates on the organizing, and more information about the protest.
Importantly, please sign the petition and send it to your networks, personally asking them to pass it on. This is how we CAN make a difference.
We already have media interest and dozens of volunteers helping with this. Be part of an event that will help save children's lives.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This is an extract of a letter sent to the Attorney General's Dept recently. It was forwarded to me by Prof Freda Briggs.
You might find the list of incidents at the end of the extract, pretty amazing. I did.
"Since the reforms of 1996 and 2006, there is a palpable reluctance by the courts to reduce contact between parents and children, even when there is ample evidence that one parent has engaged in behaviours congruent with domestic violence or 'intimate terrorism' as described by the AIFS study where category C is ascribed to the most severe form of interpersonal violence. This is also in spite of The Family Law Act 1975, (Cth) s60B, (b) and (c). Justice Wall from the UK has stated that,
"I was concerned to read in a number of places in the files that reliance was placed on the proposition that it may be safe to order contact where domestic violence had been perpetrated on the mother, but not on the child. In my judgment it needs to be recalled that Drs Sturge and Glaser pointed out that domestic violence involved "a very serious and significant failure in parenting- failure to protect the child and failure to protect the child emotionally (and in some cases physically) - which meets the definition of child abuse. It is, in my view, high time that the Family Justice System abandoned any reliance on the proposition that a man can have a history of violence to the mother of his children but, nonetheless, be a good father."
"However, in Australia the reasoning seems to indicate that the judiciary continues to believe that a parent who has been physically violent to the other does not indicate that they are a danger to the children of the marriage. For example;
"However, on the father's own admission, he has acted in ways that would bear the description of "domestic violence". This includes putting his hands around the neck of the mother. It may be also that other conduct, though falling short of physical assault, but which was aggressive and angry, would also fit that description. He was probably controlling and dominant in the relationship with the mother. This might also fit the description of domestic violence. As well, he was a times physically domineering in applying physical discipline to [the 18 month old child], such as straddling her on the bed and holding her head or face to ensure her attention. All of these behaviours are indications of an approach to relationships and parenting, less than optimal, in times past. As well, it is clear enough that he has not been alert to crossing personal boundaries."
This father continues to have unsupervised contact with this child.
The causal factors between the dynamic of domestic violence, its range of indicators and the dangers this behaviour poses to the children of the marriage continue to be ignored by the judiciary, report writers, the legal practitioners and even the police department. This has resulted in the growing list of deaths of children from a family of origin where domestic violence can be ascribed as the feature of the breakdown in the relationship. Fears for the safety of children are ignored. Consider the following sample:
• 1996 - January 25: Peter May shot and killed his three children, Lisa eleven, Andrew eight, and Natalie seven during a contact visit. On the same day, he also killed his wife and her parents. May's history of domestic violence and links to the Men's Rights Agency was commonly known and reported,
• 1998 – October 23: After Ronald Jonkers lost custody of Aaron DeBaugy 5, Ashlee seventeen months and David seven, he poisoned them by carbon monoxide in their car on a contact visit in Perth,
• 1999 – August: WA four young children were gassed along with their father Mark Heath after a family court dispute,
• 2000 - Rhonda Bartley was shot dead by her ex-partner in Berri while attending a court ordered contact handover of their baby daughter,
• 2001 - September: Mikaylah Green eleven weeks, Taylah Pringle eleven months and Jackson Merrott six, were smothered by their father on a contact visit in Sydney,
• 2002- Ana Hardwick 35 is strangled by her former partner after the family court granted her custody of their eleven and eight year old children,
• 2004 – April 26: Jessie Dalton nineteen months and Patrick Dalton thirteen weeks were smothered by their separated father Jayson Dalton after a family court order to him to return the infants to their mother Dionne,
• 2005 – 4th September: Robert Farquharson killed his sons Jai ten, Tyler seven, and Bailey two, by driving them into a dam in Winchelsea, south-west of Melbourne on Fathers' Day contact visit,
• 2008 – May 9: The body of three year old Imran Zilic, was found after his father threw him down a mine on an access visit,
• 2008 – January 3: Christopher McEwen raped and then killed his daughter Rhiannon McEwen on Bribie Island on New Years Eve. The matter of the children's residency was before the Family Court in 2004 where the father was given residency of all three children. It is not known to this writer if it was by consent. However, this father was cleared by a psychiatrist to leave a Brisbane hospital's mental health unit just nine days before he allegedly raped and murdered his ten-year-old daughter. Queensland Health did not report the man – who had spent two weeks as an involuntary patient in the hospital's mental health unit – to the Department of Child Safety. Given this man's mental condition, the question is how in 2004 was it that he obtained sole custody of his four children aged between six and ten?
• 2009 – January 29: Arthur Freeman unbuckled Darcey from her seat in the family Toyota Land Cruiser on the West Gate Bridge about 9.15am and threw her over the edge and into the Yarra River 58m below. She died in hospital four hours later. The tragedy occurred one day after the Freemans had reached an agreement over access to Darcey and their two other children, Benjamin six, and Jackson two, following their separation in 2007. "
Saturday, March 7, 2009
I don't want to jinx anything.... but.....
... apart from spending yesterday crying for absolutely no reason... I'm feeling a bit better.
It's amazing how light things seem when the darkness begins to lift. Every single action, every obligation, every otherwise enjoyable event has seemed like an insurmountable challenge. I've enjoyed things during this time... but the effort to get to things, or prepare for things has worn me out. And I've needed recovery time. Lots.
One of the most noticeable things for me was my loss of confidence. I decided that my photography skills were shockingly pathetic, my Photoshop skills even more so, and that I was kidding myself if I thought that I could write a sentence worth publishing on a world-wide forum. I'm still feeling pretty shaky about those three things, but I'm reminding myself that I'm not doing this for any reason other than my own desire to connect with other wonderful like-minded bloggers. And that they you are not judging me.
I've also been working quite a lot over the last few weeks... minus my normally wonderful confidence. It has been totally exhausting, sometimes uncomfortable and, had I not known that this was not my "normal" state of operating, I would have been thrown into a turmoil about my professional skills and abilities.
And, of course, the legal crap continues. Painfully slowly. Inchingly, revoltingly slowly. DH and I have had one of the arbitrations cancelled. It was quite hilarious actually. Hmmm. We had a Social Security Appeals Tribunal pre-arbitration phone conference regarding DH's objection to a decision by the Child Support Agency that went in my favour. His objection was completely irrelevant to the actual decision and it didn't take long for the SSAT representative to point that out to DH. He dismissed the Appeal that same day. One thing that did come out of the phone call was that DH has lodged another case against me in the Family Court. One that I have not been notified about yet. Something else to look forward to.
That same afternoon Toto had a "Meet The Teachers" bbq at his school. Which meant that I had to see, and even talk to, DH. I didn't stop shaking for about 12 hours from the effort required to maintain an even keel. My darling Toto said "Mum, I'm really proud of you... You're doing such a good job of being nice to Dad" which of course kept me seemingly calm and focussed.
This was one of the highlights of the past couple of weeks... actually it was two of the highlights as we were lucky enough to be able to meet up twice....
So.... hopefully the skies will stay brighter in my perspective for a while. I know that I am not broken. I simply have too much stress in my life right now and will need to manage my time and resources better to avoid this kind of extended darkness.
The tears that continue to roll are more about what my boys are feeling. I stole a look at Toto's English book at school the other day. Under the heading "My Family" he wrote about his divorced parents both wanting him to live with them. And he wrote "but I prefer to live with my Mum". I hadn't realised how much I needed to see those words. To know that, despite their adamant spoken words to me, they weren't just telling me what they thought I wanted to hear.
This is the only photograph that I've taken over the past month or so that I actually really like. Boo is concentrating on his Nintendo DS... lying next to me on my bed... with the strong western sunlight mottled by the blind. They're growing so quickly at the moment and I'm trying to capture those childish expressions that will soon disappear. Not so easy as they've both suddenly become quite camera shy. Bugger.
It's amazing how light things seem when the darkness begins to lift. Every single action, every obligation, every otherwise enjoyable event has seemed like an insurmountable challenge. I've enjoyed things during this time... but the effort to get to things, or prepare for things has worn me out. And I've needed recovery time. Lots.
One of the most noticeable things for me was my loss of confidence. I decided that my photography skills were shockingly pathetic, my Photoshop skills even more so, and that I was kidding myself if I thought that I could write a sentence worth publishing on a world-wide forum. I'm still feeling pretty shaky about those three things, but I'm reminding myself that I'm not doing this for any reason other than my own desire to connect with other wonderful like-minded bloggers. And that they you are not judging me.
I've also been working quite a lot over the last few weeks... minus my normally wonderful confidence. It has been totally exhausting, sometimes uncomfortable and, had I not known that this was not my "normal" state of operating, I would have been thrown into a turmoil about my professional skills and abilities.
And, of course, the legal crap continues. Painfully slowly. Inchingly, revoltingly slowly. DH and I have had one of the arbitrations cancelled. It was quite hilarious actually. Hmmm. We had a Social Security Appeals Tribunal pre-arbitration phone conference regarding DH's objection to a decision by the Child Support Agency that went in my favour. His objection was completely irrelevant to the actual decision and it didn't take long for the SSAT representative to point that out to DH. He dismissed the Appeal that same day. One thing that did come out of the phone call was that DH has lodged another case against me in the Family Court. One that I have not been notified about yet. Something else to look forward to.
That same afternoon Toto had a "Meet The Teachers" bbq at his school. Which meant that I had to see, and even talk to, DH. I didn't stop shaking for about 12 hours from the effort required to maintain an even keel. My darling Toto said "Mum, I'm really proud of you... You're doing such a good job of being nice to Dad" which of course kept me seemingly calm and focussed.
This was one of the highlights of the past couple of weeks... actually it was two of the highlights as we were lucky enough to be able to meet up twice....
So.... hopefully the skies will stay brighter in my perspective for a while. I know that I am not broken. I simply have too much stress in my life right now and will need to manage my time and resources better to avoid this kind of extended darkness.
The tears that continue to roll are more about what my boys are feeling. I stole a look at Toto's English book at school the other day. Under the heading "My Family" he wrote about his divorced parents both wanting him to live with them. And he wrote "but I prefer to live with my Mum". I hadn't realised how much I needed to see those words. To know that, despite their adamant spoken words to me, they weren't just telling me what they thought I wanted to hear.
This is the only photograph that I've taken over the past month or so that I actually really like. Boo is concentrating on his Nintendo DS... lying next to me on my bed... with the strong western sunlight mottled by the blind. They're growing so quickly at the moment and I'm trying to capture those childish expressions that will soon disappear. Not so easy as they've both suddenly become quite camera shy. Bugger.
Saturday, February 21, 2009
Darkness....
I’m still in a dark dark place... and the energy required to do the things that I HAVE to do leaves me totally and utterly depleted. But I’m still here... and I draw strength and a feeling of connection by reading all my fave bloggy-friends’ posts.
My friend is back in the hospital. In fact, since I last wrote about her, she’s been in and out three times. You can only imagine how awful this has been. I remain optimistic about her long term recovery, however, and this helps me keep in touch with the sliver of hope that my own “funk” will ease soon.
DH has been overstepping his boundaries with the boys. He telephones them every day and night, and yesterday he actually picked them up from school and took them for a “play” WITHOUT TELLING ME. He’s doing this to try to prove to a registrar that he is a great Dad, and to try to make up to the boys for years of not giving a shit, but you don’t do that to a mother who is worried sick because her 10 year old son is 15 minutes late home from school. My brain is imploding because apparently if a mother does this she is “clingy” and “invasive” but if a father does this he is “caring” and “enthusiastic”.
And of course Toto and Boo are trying to look after me emotionally. I try SO hard to hide this stuff from them.... SO hard. But it’s impossible to hide the puffy eyes from crying all day, or the burnt dinner from forgetting that I was cooking at all, or the anger with their father for bringing them home with homework undone and school clothes unwashed, and for interrupting our time together every day.
Mainly it’s just the fact that I cry at the drop of a pin.
This is so not good at this point in the legal proceedings. It’s such a catch-22. If it wasn’t for the legal stuff I wouldn’t BE in this depressive episode. And that’s where my brain catches fire and starts melting and my tear ducts develop a mind of their own.
Still, the boys seem to be okay. Boo laughed at me the other day when I was trying to say something positive about DH. He laughed in a comfortable way... and said “Mum, I know you’re trying to make us feel better, but you don’t have to lie”. It’s so tempting to say “Phew! Okay! Thanks babe..... let’s talk about what a total dish-rag he is!” but no.... I said “I’m not lying darling. ALL parents argue sometimes. Daddy and I don’t agree on what’s best for you at the moment, that’s all.” vomit.puke.bullsh*t.
My friend is back in the hospital. In fact, since I last wrote about her, she’s been in and out three times. You can only imagine how awful this has been. I remain optimistic about her long term recovery, however, and this helps me keep in touch with the sliver of hope that my own “funk” will ease soon.
DH has been overstepping his boundaries with the boys. He telephones them every day and night, and yesterday he actually picked them up from school and took them for a “play” WITHOUT TELLING ME. He’s doing this to try to prove to a registrar that he is a great Dad, and to try to make up to the boys for years of not giving a shit, but you don’t do that to a mother who is worried sick because her 10 year old son is 15 minutes late home from school. My brain is imploding because apparently if a mother does this she is “clingy” and “invasive” but if a father does this he is “caring” and “enthusiastic”.
And of course Toto and Boo are trying to look after me emotionally. I try SO hard to hide this stuff from them.... SO hard. But it’s impossible to hide the puffy eyes from crying all day, or the burnt dinner from forgetting that I was cooking at all, or the anger with their father for bringing them home with homework undone and school clothes unwashed, and for interrupting our time together every day.
Mainly it’s just the fact that I cry at the drop of a pin.
This is so not good at this point in the legal proceedings. It’s such a catch-22. If it wasn’t for the legal stuff I wouldn’t BE in this depressive episode. And that’s where my brain catches fire and starts melting and my tear ducts develop a mind of their own.
Still, the boys seem to be okay. Boo laughed at me the other day when I was trying to say something positive about DH. He laughed in a comfortable way... and said “Mum, I know you’re trying to make us feel better, but you don’t have to lie”. It’s so tempting to say “Phew! Okay! Thanks babe..... let’s talk about what a total dish-rag he is!” but no.... I said “I’m not lying darling. ALL parents argue sometimes. Daddy and I don’t agree on what’s best for you at the moment, that’s all.” vomit.puke.bullsh*t.
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
The recovery....
Firstly, thank you SO MUCH to everyone for your wonderful words of support, encouragement and advice.
I did speak with Toto's Year 7 Advisor. I telephoned him this morning and asked him to keep an eye on Toto. I explained what was going on, and told him that Toto was extremely distressed and anxious and needed to know that there was someone in the school that he could talk to. I also asked him to please be discrete. He wasn't very comforting, but did say that he would talk to Toto during the day.
I then apologised to my Mum. She said that she understood.
I spent three hours sitting at the hospital with my friend today. She was re-admitted yesterday, after a couple of weeks of sliding backwards. It's so sad. So sad for her and so sad for her family. Still, she has a treatment plan and I'm confident that she won't be in there for nearly as long this time.
It did wear me out though. She relies upon me to convince her that she is capable of recovery. I know that I have to look after myself right now, in order to be able to look after my own family, but I can't refuse her in this time of need. I just can't.
By the time I got to Toto's school to collect him, I had a plan for a "recovery evening" for the three of us. It included a bit of baking, a favourite dinner, and a reward for completion of homework (a neck massage, a back tickle and favourite bedtime story).
By absolute chance, I met with the Year 7 advisor at the school gate, and he was much warmer in person. It's possible he's just not comfortable on the telephone. He was very understanding and supportive and reassured me immensely. By chance again, I met with the Principal and had another conversation with him about the situation. I was careful about what I said (I save my DH bagging for my blog) and kept my concerns limited to the impact of the court case on Toto, not the cause or content. He was wonderful. Absolutely wonderful.
And so, despite Toto and I having to lug his incredibly heavy cricket bag home on public transport, our recovery evening went beautifully to plan.
We baked brownies....
Licking the bowl while sitting in front of the oven watching the brownies baking
Completed all the homework.....
...and laughed together more than we have in weeks. It was perfect.
I did speak with Toto's Year 7 Advisor. I telephoned him this morning and asked him to keep an eye on Toto. I explained what was going on, and told him that Toto was extremely distressed and anxious and needed to know that there was someone in the school that he could talk to. I also asked him to please be discrete. He wasn't very comforting, but did say that he would talk to Toto during the day.
I then apologised to my Mum. She said that she understood.
I spent three hours sitting at the hospital with my friend today. She was re-admitted yesterday, after a couple of weeks of sliding backwards. It's so sad. So sad for her and so sad for her family. Still, she has a treatment plan and I'm confident that she won't be in there for nearly as long this time.
It did wear me out though. She relies upon me to convince her that she is capable of recovery. I know that I have to look after myself right now, in order to be able to look after my own family, but I can't refuse her in this time of need. I just can't.
By the time I got to Toto's school to collect him, I had a plan for a "recovery evening" for the three of us. It included a bit of baking, a favourite dinner, and a reward for completion of homework (a neck massage, a back tickle and favourite bedtime story).
By absolute chance, I met with the Year 7 advisor at the school gate, and he was much warmer in person. It's possible he's just not comfortable on the telephone. He was very understanding and supportive and reassured me immensely. By chance again, I met with the Principal and had another conversation with him about the situation. I was careful about what I said (I save my DH bagging for my blog) and kept my concerns limited to the impact of the court case on Toto, not the cause or content. He was wonderful. Absolutely wonderful.
And so, despite Toto and I having to lug his incredibly heavy cricket bag home on public transport, our recovery evening went beautifully to plan.
We baked brownies....
Licking the bowl while sitting in front of the oven watching the brownies bakingEDITED TO REMOVE CUTE PHOTO OF BOO LICKING THE INSIDE OF THE BOWL AT THE REQUEST (DEMAND, THREATENED TANTRUM) OF BOO
"Boo, could you get your head any further inside that bowl?"
Completed all the homework.....
...and laughed together more than we have in weeks. It was perfect.(and I know that they're in their underwear, but it's the first thing they do when they get in the door! Go figure!)
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