Many of my bloggy-friends have been mentioning that they can't access my blog properly, and that, once there, they can't comment.
It seems that there might be a bit of a "cold war" style behaviour going on between Microsoft and everything else, and the problem is supposed to encourage everyone to use Google Chrome when it is released. (If that sentence sounded pathetic, it is because I really don't know what I'm talking about. I just know that I had a LOT of people telling me that they couldn't use blogspot, and so I took action.)
I now have my very own WordPress blog.
And, boy, has it been a journey. I hope that it looks similar to this blog, at first, and hope to learn how to use it properly as I go along.
http://fe.org.au
Simple, isn't it?
Please remembe to update your blogrolls and your rss readers.
See you there!!!
Monday, July 13, 2009
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
Perspective...
This morning I was awoken by the sounds of sirens. Lots of them. This isn't that unusual where I live, but these ones seemed to stop very close by.
I looked out over my balcony and saw a cluster of police vehicles, ambulances, police rescue vans and other cars blocking my street, partially covered by trees, about 6 or so houses away.
I sent out a silent prayer for the poor anonymous souls caught up in the drama, and then went about my day.
This evening, my dear friend Lara called me tears. And told me that mutual friends of ours, who live in my street, had lost their daughter during the night.
Three year old Lara (named after the above mentioned Lara), had been perfectly healthy when her parents, Anna and Rob, put her to bed last night. And when they went in to wake her up this morning, they found that she had died during the night.
I can only imagine the horror. And then the horror of the necessary police intervention. I do not know how I would be able to go on.
But go on they must, as they have a 13 month old daughter who needs their love and attention.
Please send them strength. Please send them your love. Please hug your kids extra tight tonight and tell them how much you love them.
I looked out over my balcony and saw a cluster of police vehicles, ambulances, police rescue vans and other cars blocking my street, partially covered by trees, about 6 or so houses away.
I sent out a silent prayer for the poor anonymous souls caught up in the drama, and then went about my day.
This evening, my dear friend Lara called me tears. And told me that mutual friends of ours, who live in my street, had lost their daughter during the night.
Three year old Lara (named after the above mentioned Lara), had been perfectly healthy when her parents, Anna and Rob, put her to bed last night. And when they went in to wake her up this morning, they found that she had died during the night.
I can only imagine the horror. And then the horror of the necessary police intervention. I do not know how I would be able to go on.
But go on they must, as they have a 13 month old daughter who needs their love and attention.
Please send them strength. Please send them your love. Please hug your kids extra tight tonight and tell them how much you love them.
Monday, June 29, 2009
BENIGN!!....
What a beautiful word!!
Oh wow. I didn't realise just how anxious I was until I received that phone call!!
Thank you SO much everyone for being there with me through this scary scary time.
Now we just have to have DH back down and Boo get better and all will be right in my world. Right now, however, I am just so grateful for having dodged a bullet. I feel invincible!
Last week I had to tell the boys that they would have to see their lawyer again, which meant that I had to tell them that the agreement had not gone through. I tried to phrase it as "The lawyers have to talk again" rather than "Your asshole father went back on his word" but the affect was still the same.
We've had to postpone the lawyers' appointment because of Piggy Flu, and Toto is extremely worried about it, but I'm trying hard to minimise their concerns and reassure them that all will be okay.
Now that the breast-lump stress is over, I can focus on that again.
Oh wow. I didn't realise just how anxious I was until I received that phone call!!
Thank you SO much everyone for being there with me through this scary scary time.
Now we just have to have DH back down and Boo get better and all will be right in my world. Right now, however, I am just so grateful for having dodged a bullet. I feel invincible!
Last week I had to tell the boys that they would have to see their lawyer again, which meant that I had to tell them that the agreement had not gone through. I tried to phrase it as "The lawyers have to talk again" rather than "Your asshole father went back on his word" but the affect was still the same.
We've had to postpone the lawyers' appointment because of Piggy Flu, and Toto is extremely worried about it, but I'm trying hard to minimise their concerns and reassure them that all will be okay.
Now that the breast-lump stress is over, I can focus on that again.
Friday, June 26, 2009
I couldn't make this stuff up!
Boo has been getting sicker and sicker, and today he had a massive nose bleed which took half an hour or more to stop and which prompted me to telephone the doctor to ask whether I should take him for a Swine Flu swab.
He said that they weren't swabbing for it anymore, as the process itself is highly contagious, and that as they had had so many other cases of Swine Flu diagnosed in their surgery, they were able to recognise it and give out free Tamiflu to anyone who showed severe flu like symptoms.
So, I took Boo to the surgery this afternoon. The Doc was able to instantly diagnose Swine Flu from his high temperature and his whole demeanor. He also took one look at me, said "You look awful", took my temperature, listened to my chest, looked in my ears and said "You have it too".
Honestly... I broke out into a huge grin (I'm still spontaneously giggling) at the absurdity of it all! I should definitely buy a Lottery ticket.
We're quarantined until we are better. We both feel like crap. Toto is fine so far (touch wood) as are my parents.
Edited to add...
It's not considered dangerous for either of us. Just unpleasant.
He said that they weren't swabbing for it anymore, as the process itself is highly contagious, and that as they had had so many other cases of Swine Flu diagnosed in their surgery, they were able to recognise it and give out free Tamiflu to anyone who showed severe flu like symptoms.
So, I took Boo to the surgery this afternoon. The Doc was able to instantly diagnose Swine Flu from his high temperature and his whole demeanor. He also took one look at me, said "You look awful", took my temperature, listened to my chest, looked in my ears and said "You have it too".
Honestly... I broke out into a huge grin (I'm still spontaneously giggling) at the absurdity of it all! I should definitely buy a Lottery ticket.
We're quarantined until we are better. We both feel like crap. Toto is fine so far (touch wood) as are my parents.
Edited to add...
It's not considered dangerous for either of us. Just unpleasant.
Thursday, June 25, 2009
A Collective Exhale Please.....
I don't have a definitive answer yet. But I'm feeling more confident.
Yes, there are two lumps that could be cysts or tumours. I had core biopsies taken of both of them (OW OW OW OW OW OW... especially after having more mammograms done).... and will find the results out on Monday.
The lovely lovely Doctor who did the biopsies told me that they looked much more like cysts than tumours to him, and therefore I am feeling very very optimistic!
God it's an awful experience though. 10 women sitting in the waiting room like sparrows on a fence. Some are sent home after their mammograms. More are sent home after their ultrasounds. Eventually there were only two of us waiting to have biopsies. Not a wonderful feeling.
The other woman was feeling incredibly distressed, and said "I've been calculating the odds. It's either you or me.". I looked at her with a compassionate expression and said "It just might not be either of us" and believed it.
So, THANK YOU MY DARLING FRIENDS! I felt your support and love throughout the 4 hour appointment. Now we just have to cross a pinkie-finger until Monday. I'm sure it's all okay though. Really I am.
Yes, there are two lumps that could be cysts or tumours. I had core biopsies taken of both of them (OW OW OW OW OW OW... especially after having more mammograms done).... and will find the results out on Monday.
The lovely lovely Doctor who did the biopsies told me that they looked much more like cysts than tumours to him, and therefore I am feeling very very optimistic!
God it's an awful experience though. 10 women sitting in the waiting room like sparrows on a fence. Some are sent home after their mammograms. More are sent home after their ultrasounds. Eventually there were only two of us waiting to have biopsies. Not a wonderful feeling.
The other woman was feeling incredibly distressed, and said "I've been calculating the odds. It's either you or me.". I looked at her with a compassionate expression and said "It just might not be either of us" and believed it.
So, THANK YOU MY DARLING FRIENDS! I felt your support and love throughout the 4 hour appointment. Now we just have to cross a pinkie-finger until Monday. I'm sure it's all okay though. Really I am.
This is a distraction post...
Isn't it wonderful how we're all completely ageless in Blogland?
I only think about it when someone posts about their birthday, or mentions their age, and I'm usually quite surprised by how wisdom or cleverness does not always equate with age. Not that I've ever really equated those things with age in real life, but still... it's hard to ignore it when it's staring you in the face, so to speak.
Mrs G. over at Derfwad Manor is polling her readers' ages today. I think I'd rather not know.
The lovely Lara at Disco Knitter is taking Inigo to the hospital today to have some nasty tests done. Please send them happy vibes around 1pm.
Boo is home sick today. He has cold-like symptoms, but as a perfectly innocent cold/flu has been making the rounds at his school, I'm not flying into a panic. If he starts to have temperatures that don't respond to panadol, I'll take him to the local Emergency room for a Swine Flu swab. To be quite honest, it's wonderful having him home on this particular day. A great excuse to not think too much about things that may never happen.
The lovely Blue over at BlueJeuls finishes each of her posts with a list of things that she is grateful for. I will emulate that today.
Grateful for:
1) friends
2) health
3) a wonderful mum who folds my laundry
4) a slow cooker (dinner is on already so that my kids will be fed tonight whatever the day brings)
I only think about it when someone posts about their birthday, or mentions their age, and I'm usually quite surprised by how wisdom or cleverness does not always equate with age. Not that I've ever really equated those things with age in real life, but still... it's hard to ignore it when it's staring you in the face, so to speak.
Mrs G. over at Derfwad Manor is polling her readers' ages today. I think I'd rather not know.
The lovely Lara at Disco Knitter is taking Inigo to the hospital today to have some nasty tests done. Please send them happy vibes around 1pm.
Boo is home sick today. He has cold-like symptoms, but as a perfectly innocent cold/flu has been making the rounds at his school, I'm not flying into a panic. If he starts to have temperatures that don't respond to panadol, I'll take him to the local Emergency room for a Swine Flu swab. To be quite honest, it's wonderful having him home on this particular day. A great excuse to not think too much about things that may never happen.
The lovely Blue over at BlueJeuls finishes each of her posts with a list of things that she is grateful for. I will emulate that today.
Grateful for:
1) friends
2) health
3) a wonderful mum who folds my laundry
4) a slow cooker (dinner is on already so that my kids will be fed tonight whatever the day brings)
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
This may turn out to be only 24 hours of awful....
... but I'm going to share it anyway.
Two weeks ago I had a long overdue mammogram. I had been putting it off half subconsciously and half self-destructively in my haze of depression induced feelings of self-worthlessness.
You see, I have had a weird kind of lump on my nipple, which, even though my GP has told me looked pretty harmless, has had me worried. I've also had some mysterious pains in my armpit.
Don't yell at me for putting off getting myself checked out. I'm not strong enough to take it.
I went through this for the first time nearly 8 years ago. On September 11 2001, to be precise. And I received a diagnosis of breast cancer. I was one of the lucky ones. My cancer was removed by surgery and I had "clean margins" which meant that I was able to get away without having radiotherapy and chemotherapy. It was a risk (not having further treatment) that I was willing to take at that time as my boys were 3 and 4 years old and I was living on my own with them. I simply couldn't have managed.
An hour or so ago, I telephoned for the results of my mammogram and was immediately put through to a counsellor. She told me that they want me to return for further tests as soon as possible. Tomorrow, to be precise.
This does NOT mean that I definitely have a recurrence of my breast cancer. 9 out of 10 women who are recalled for further tests after a mammogram end up with a clean bill of health.
This DOES mean, however, that I am thrown back into the feelings of fear and anxiety and sadness.
This also means that I am thinking of all my dear dear friends who, after years of NED (No Evidence of Disease) had a recurrence from which they didn't recover.
I'm scared.
And although I know that there is a large chance that I have nothing to fear, I wish that I didn't have to go through this at all. And I pray that I'm strong enough to protect my children from picking up on my sadness and fear.
As I said in the heading, this may only be 24 hours of awful, but I'm putting it out there because I need your collective strength. There's just too much going on for me right now. I feel overwhelmed. I need to feel a part of something bigger than the turmoil that is my life.
Two weeks ago I had a long overdue mammogram. I had been putting it off half subconsciously and half self-destructively in my haze of depression induced feelings of self-worthlessness.
You see, I have had a weird kind of lump on my nipple, which, even though my GP has told me looked pretty harmless, has had me worried. I've also had some mysterious pains in my armpit.
Don't yell at me for putting off getting myself checked out. I'm not strong enough to take it.
I went through this for the first time nearly 8 years ago. On September 11 2001, to be precise. And I received a diagnosis of breast cancer. I was one of the lucky ones. My cancer was removed by surgery and I had "clean margins" which meant that I was able to get away without having radiotherapy and chemotherapy. It was a risk (not having further treatment) that I was willing to take at that time as my boys were 3 and 4 years old and I was living on my own with them. I simply couldn't have managed.
An hour or so ago, I telephoned for the results of my mammogram and was immediately put through to a counsellor. She told me that they want me to return for further tests as soon as possible. Tomorrow, to be precise.
This does NOT mean that I definitely have a recurrence of my breast cancer. 9 out of 10 women who are recalled for further tests after a mammogram end up with a clean bill of health.
This DOES mean, however, that I am thrown back into the feelings of fear and anxiety and sadness.
This also means that I am thinking of all my dear dear friends who, after years of NED (No Evidence of Disease) had a recurrence from which they didn't recover.
I'm scared.
And although I know that there is a large chance that I have nothing to fear, I wish that I didn't have to go through this at all. And I pray that I'm strong enough to protect my children from picking up on my sadness and fear.
As I said in the heading, this may only be 24 hours of awful, but I'm putting it out there because I need your collective strength. There's just too much going on for me right now. I feel overwhelmed. I need to feel a part of something bigger than the turmoil that is my life.
Thursday, June 18, 2009
I don't really have the words...
... and I'm trying SO hard to make this a learning experience rather than spiraling downwards and sitting in the corner in a fetal position screaming and rocking and pulling my own hair out.
We walked out of the Mediation with an agreement. Both sides agreed to what was written down during the meeting. The next step... transferring the agreement to a court document and lodging it with the court.... was meant to be a formality only.
Until this afternoon.
SmartGirl received a letter from DH's lawyer saying that he was not going to sign the document unless he received an extra 3 nights a fortnight.
WTF?
I only agreed to the extra 1 night in order to expedite the end of this trauma for the boys and to allow them to rest assured that their parents had been able to come to an agreement.
And now this.
We're stuck.
It will probably have to go to a judge now.
And who knows what the outcome will be.
I simply CANNOT believe that DH has done this! He just KEEPS damaging our children intentionally. It is too much for me to take in. Surely this is an example of his total and utter lack of concern for their welfare?
I'm not going to tell the boys anything about this at all. I guess they'll resent me for this if the outcome is unfavourable, but I simply cannot put them through any more of this.
We walked out of the Mediation with an agreement. Both sides agreed to what was written down during the meeting. The next step... transferring the agreement to a court document and lodging it with the court.... was meant to be a formality only.
Until this afternoon.
SmartGirl received a letter from DH's lawyer saying that he was not going to sign the document unless he received an extra 3 nights a fortnight.
WTF?
I only agreed to the extra 1 night in order to expedite the end of this trauma for the boys and to allow them to rest assured that their parents had been able to come to an agreement.
And now this.
We're stuck.
It will probably have to go to a judge now.
And who knows what the outcome will be.
I simply CANNOT believe that DH has done this! He just KEEPS damaging our children intentionally. It is too much for me to take in. Surely this is an example of his total and utter lack of concern for their welfare?
I'm not going to tell the boys anything about this at all. I guess they'll resent me for this if the outcome is unfavourable, but I simply cannot put them through any more of this.
Monday, June 15, 2009
Oh God I blogged too soon....
Poor Toto completely lost it. The rosy shine wore off MUCH sooner than I anticipated.
He's thought ahead to the reality of it all and has decided that it's all too much. He just can't deal with all of the practical aspects of the extra night (school uniforms, musical instruments, air league uniforms etc) letalone the extra night away from me.
I've put him back to bed with promises of late night drives across the Harbour Bridge to deliver mislaid or forgotten items (boy am I going to regret making THAT promise) and letters to all of his teachers explaining his change of living circumstances and asking for leniency with regard to missing textbooks and homework not done.
And he's angry with me for agreeing to the change.
I know, I know. I know that I had no choice and that he's an emotional lad, but right now I feel like I've sold my children for a piece of silver.
Let's hope a good nights' sleep and a few weeks of adjusting to the idea makes things easier.
For all of us.
He's thought ahead to the reality of it all and has decided that it's all too much. He just can't deal with all of the practical aspects of the extra night (school uniforms, musical instruments, air league uniforms etc) letalone the extra night away from me.
I've put him back to bed with promises of late night drives across the Harbour Bridge to deliver mislaid or forgotten items (boy am I going to regret making THAT promise) and letters to all of his teachers explaining his change of living circumstances and asking for leniency with regard to missing textbooks and homework not done.
And he's angry with me for agreeing to the change.
I know, I know. I know that I had no choice and that he's an emotional lad, but right now I feel like I've sold my children for a piece of silver.
Let's hope a good nights' sleep and a few weeks of adjusting to the idea makes things easier.
For all of us.
The boys reaction...
... was amazing.
They basically said that they were incredibly happy and relieved that they didn't have to live with him half of the time. They said that they could cope with one extra night.
Both of them commented that they were really pleased that we had been able to agree on an outcome, and that they were extra extra pleased that we didn't have to go through any more of this stress.
So... we celebrated with my parents and laughed and chatted and were more relaxed than we have been in... oh.... about 8 months.
We're home now, and they've just had a physical fight over who is having the first shower. Things really ARE back to normal!
They basically said that they were incredibly happy and relieved that they didn't have to live with him half of the time. They said that they could cope with one extra night.
Both of them commented that they were really pleased that we had been able to agree on an outcome, and that they were extra extra pleased that we didn't have to go through any more of this stress.
So... we celebrated with my parents and laughed and chatted and were more relaxed than we have been in... oh.... about 8 months.
We're home now, and they've just had a physical fight over who is having the first shower. Things really ARE back to normal!
Shaking....
... all over. Can't stop.
It's like I've been put through a tree chopper and reassembled to look roughly like the person I was before.
Lawyers threw around GIGANTIC issues as though they were discussing last nights' fish and chip wrapping. The Court Counsellor's report was barely raised. DH's past behaviour was not addressed at all. It was all about compromise and legal-blame.
THANKYOU for all of your good wishes and loving thoughts. I swear they worked.
Things are NOT exactly the same as they were before, but they are only slightly changed.
Instead of getting 50/50 shared parenting, DH received one extra night a fortnight. I should be jumping for joy, but I know how devastated the boys will be at hearing this news. I was able to establish that we have one month before this new arrangement takes place, and that it gets re-assessed in 6 months before becoming final, but the reality is that it will be almost impossible for me to "prove" to the court that it is not working. I mean, if they didn't pay attention to the Court Counsellor's report, what weight will they place on the mothers' opinion? I can therefore only pray that it does work, and that DH lifts his game, and that in 6 months we are all happy to finalise it.
SmartGirl was amazing. She really was. She was also wonderful at clearing the room at the end when, after DH left, I covered my face with my hands and sobbed and sobbed. I was shaking too much to even stand up. She told me that I had been brilliant and had said all the right things and that this was a big win in the current Family Court environment.... and yet she understood that it was incredibly stressful for me and that I did not see it as the best outcome for the boys.
Sitting directly across a 2 foot wide table from DH was beyond agony. He was pathetic. He kept talking about what "he" wanted, and not about what would be best for the boys. He said that he wanted this resolved because he didn't want to continually cry about something that happened 12 years ago. And that he wanted to have court orders so that he felt like a father.
Are you kidding me? Firstly... get a THERAPIST... not a lawyer. Secondly... court orders DO NOT a father make.
What a loser.
The financial matter did not get resolved. His lawyer (CF.... I refuse to expand on those initials on the grounds that the C stands for a word that I would never otherwise use in real life) said that the initial spousal maintenance orders should never have been made, and therefore should be dismissed. Obviously nobody has ever left her pregnant and with a babe in arms. I should have been out supporting myself I suppose. Stupid, selfish me.
We are off to court on July 20 for the financial issues to be decided by a judge. There is no other way. SmartGirl will be in Paris on holiday then, and CF refuses to postpone the hearing date, so I'll only have my Barrister. Apparently DH's bank accounts are all frozen... hopefully by the CSA... and she obviously won't postpone because she doesn't want to wait to get her bills paid.
The ICL (Independent Children's Lawyer) was the one who decided upon the outcome. She obviously worked very hard to get DH and CF to back down from 50/50 (we weren't in the room for that conversation) and then had to convince me to agree to it as well. She tried to insist that I not tell the boys anything about the outcome.... and said that she would see them within the next two weeks to tell them herself. WHAT?
I explained that that was a totally unrealistic situation, and that it was better if I told the boys that we were going to trial the extra nights and reassured them that DH and I had agreed upon it because we both wanted what's best for them. She did, finally, agree to that.
Honestly.... to all of you who are family court lawyers out there... good on you for working in a messy and horrendous environment. I know you must do it because you want to make a positive difference (except for CF) but CAN YOU PLEASE NOT ASSUME THAT EVERY PARENT IS A MORON? (Except for SmartGirl.)
Thank you.
So.....
I expect that I'll be in shock for a few days.
I'm planning to take the boys out to dinner tonight to celebrate the end of the legal battle between Mummy and Daddy (they don't know about the Financial stuff). And to emphasise that DH and I were able to agree (it's not a lie... just an omission of the fact that it took 8 months and 4 lawyers in the room to reach the agreement), and to TRY to make the extra night seem shiny and exciting for them.
And I expect that I'll continue to randomly burst into tears for at least a couple of days.
Is it really over? Can't quite believe it. Guess I won't until the Financial Issue is sorted as well.
It's like I've been put through a tree chopper and reassembled to look roughly like the person I was before.
Lawyers threw around GIGANTIC issues as though they were discussing last nights' fish and chip wrapping. The Court Counsellor's report was barely raised. DH's past behaviour was not addressed at all. It was all about compromise and legal-blame.
THANKYOU for all of your good wishes and loving thoughts. I swear they worked.
Things are NOT exactly the same as they were before, but they are only slightly changed.
Instead of getting 50/50 shared parenting, DH received one extra night a fortnight. I should be jumping for joy, but I know how devastated the boys will be at hearing this news. I was able to establish that we have one month before this new arrangement takes place, and that it gets re-assessed in 6 months before becoming final, but the reality is that it will be almost impossible for me to "prove" to the court that it is not working. I mean, if they didn't pay attention to the Court Counsellor's report, what weight will they place on the mothers' opinion? I can therefore only pray that it does work, and that DH lifts his game, and that in 6 months we are all happy to finalise it.
SmartGirl was amazing. She really was. She was also wonderful at clearing the room at the end when, after DH left, I covered my face with my hands and sobbed and sobbed. I was shaking too much to even stand up. She told me that I had been brilliant and had said all the right things and that this was a big win in the current Family Court environment.... and yet she understood that it was incredibly stressful for me and that I did not see it as the best outcome for the boys.
Sitting directly across a 2 foot wide table from DH was beyond agony. He was pathetic. He kept talking about what "he" wanted, and not about what would be best for the boys. He said that he wanted this resolved because he didn't want to continually cry about something that happened 12 years ago. And that he wanted to have court orders so that he felt like a father.
Are you kidding me? Firstly... get a THERAPIST... not a lawyer. Secondly... court orders DO NOT a father make.
What a loser.
The financial matter did not get resolved. His lawyer (CF.... I refuse to expand on those initials on the grounds that the C stands for a word that I would never otherwise use in real life) said that the initial spousal maintenance orders should never have been made, and therefore should be dismissed. Obviously nobody has ever left her pregnant and with a babe in arms. I should have been out supporting myself I suppose. Stupid, selfish me.
We are off to court on July 20 for the financial issues to be decided by a judge. There is no other way. SmartGirl will be in Paris on holiday then, and CF refuses to postpone the hearing date, so I'll only have my Barrister. Apparently DH's bank accounts are all frozen... hopefully by the CSA... and she obviously won't postpone because she doesn't want to wait to get her bills paid.
The ICL (Independent Children's Lawyer) was the one who decided upon the outcome. She obviously worked very hard to get DH and CF to back down from 50/50 (we weren't in the room for that conversation) and then had to convince me to agree to it as well. She tried to insist that I not tell the boys anything about the outcome.... and said that she would see them within the next two weeks to tell them herself. WHAT?
I explained that that was a totally unrealistic situation, and that it was better if I told the boys that we were going to trial the extra nights and reassured them that DH and I had agreed upon it because we both wanted what's best for them. She did, finally, agree to that.
Honestly.... to all of you who are family court lawyers out there... good on you for working in a messy and horrendous environment. I know you must do it because you want to make a positive difference (except for CF) but CAN YOU PLEASE NOT ASSUME THAT EVERY PARENT IS A MORON? (Except for SmartGirl.)
Thank you.
So.....
I expect that I'll be in shock for a few days.
I'm planning to take the boys out to dinner tonight to celebrate the end of the legal battle between Mummy and Daddy (they don't know about the Financial stuff). And to emphasise that DH and I were able to agree (it's not a lie... just an omission of the fact that it took 8 months and 4 lawyers in the room to reach the agreement), and to TRY to make the extra night seem shiny and exciting for them.
And I expect that I'll continue to randomly burst into tears for at least a couple of days.
Is it really over? Can't quite believe it. Guess I won't until the Financial Issue is sorted as well.
I'm so nervous....
...I'm nauseous and anxious and having trouble breathing normally.
Despite my wonderful optimism.
The Family Dispute Resolution conference is in less than 2 hours.
I managed to distract myself all weekend but it suddenly hit me last night and I'm a quivering wreck.
Will update here as soon as it's all over.
Cross your fingers for my boys and me Blogland. Please.
Despite my wonderful optimism.
The Family Dispute Resolution conference is in less than 2 hours.
I managed to distract myself all weekend but it suddenly hit me last night and I'm a quivering wreck.
Will update here as soon as it's all over.
Cross your fingers for my boys and me Blogland. Please.
Friday, June 12, 2009
My face hurts....
... from GRINNING!!!
Now... it ain't over until the fat lady sings... but today we received the report from the Family Court Counsellor and it is STRONGLY in our favour!!
In fact, she writes that it would NOT be in the boys' best interests to change their current living arrangements! Those are STRONG words from a family court counsellor. Amazing!
So, we have the mediation on Monday and we may possibly be able to settle the parenting matter. With no change to the current living arrangements!
The financial matter is also looking pretty good. Smart Girl has come up with some tough arguments and is feeling very confident about it.
I can't tell you how wonderful I feel. And I'm not going to let caution deny me this much missed feeling of optimism. I'll deal with the disappointment if I have to, but right now I'm feeling as though I'm walking on air.
Walk with me, everybody!!
Now... it ain't over until the fat lady sings... but today we received the report from the Family Court Counsellor and it is STRONGLY in our favour!!
In fact, she writes that it would NOT be in the boys' best interests to change their current living arrangements! Those are STRONG words from a family court counsellor. Amazing!
So, we have the mediation on Monday and we may possibly be able to settle the parenting matter. With no change to the current living arrangements!
The financial matter is also looking pretty good. Smart Girl has come up with some tough arguments and is feeling very confident about it.
I can't tell you how wonderful I feel. And I'm not going to let caution deny me this much missed feeling of optimism. I'll deal with the disappointment if I have to, but right now I'm feeling as though I'm walking on air.
Walk with me, everybody!!
Sunday, June 7, 2009
Testing (one, two) Testing (tap, tap)....
Sorry for the looooooong radio silence.
It's been a morass of legal wrangling and emotional juggling here in my corner of blogland.
Smart Girl (aka my lawyer) is a powerhouse of awesomeness. The upside of that is that I feel confident in her decision-making and in the direction that she is leading my arguments, and the downside is that I'm running around doing and finding and documenting and meeting and basically focusing every breathing moment on ensuring that I am keeping up my end of the deal.
We met with my Barrister the other day, and, again, I was incredibly impressed with his approach to our argument. It was exciting to watch the way he was able to reference our facts to specific family law legislations. And, as well as being phenomenally competent, he displayed genuine empathy for me and my situation.
We have a Family Dispute Resolution conference next week. This is the last chance for negotiations. I'm dreading having to face DH and his lawyer in a round table setting, but am kind of looking forward to hearing what, if any, negotiating points he is prepared to raise.
*sigh*
Other than that....
Today I went to a "Laughing Workshop" at the Sydney Opera House and sobbed through the entire second half. Sheesh. It was run by an amazing musician and "laugh-master" called Laraaji, whose concert I also went to on Friday night.
Apparently the line between laughter and crying is a fine one, and if we force ourselves to laugh whilst we are holding in great sorrow, we can inadvertently open the floodgates. I'm glad he said that... especially as I was the only one in the room whose floodgates had been ripped open by a herd of bulls.
I'm still recovering.
In a way it really did work, as I now laugh every time I think about silently sobbing (you know.... all gulps, snot and tears) in a room full of people who looked and sounded as though they were hyenas on acid. Bloody funny really.
It's been a morass of legal wrangling and emotional juggling here in my corner of blogland.
Smart Girl (aka my lawyer) is a powerhouse of awesomeness. The upside of that is that I feel confident in her decision-making and in the direction that she is leading my arguments, and the downside is that I'm running around doing and finding and documenting and meeting and basically focusing every breathing moment on ensuring that I am keeping up my end of the deal.
We met with my Barrister the other day, and, again, I was incredibly impressed with his approach to our argument. It was exciting to watch the way he was able to reference our facts to specific family law legislations. And, as well as being phenomenally competent, he displayed genuine empathy for me and my situation.
We have a Family Dispute Resolution conference next week. This is the last chance for negotiations. I'm dreading having to face DH and his lawyer in a round table setting, but am kind of looking forward to hearing what, if any, negotiating points he is prepared to raise.
*sigh*
Other than that....
Today I went to a "Laughing Workshop" at the Sydney Opera House and sobbed through the entire second half. Sheesh. It was run by an amazing musician and "laugh-master" called Laraaji, whose concert I also went to on Friday night.
Apparently the line between laughter and crying is a fine one, and if we force ourselves to laugh whilst we are holding in great sorrow, we can inadvertently open the floodgates. I'm glad he said that... especially as I was the only one in the room whose floodgates had been ripped open by a herd of bulls.
I'm still recovering.
In a way it really did work, as I now laugh every time I think about silently sobbing (you know.... all gulps, snot and tears) in a room full of people who looked and sounded as though they were hyenas on acid. Bloody funny really.
Thursday, May 28, 2009
Look what I brung to my blog...
Dear Headmistress of Boo's school,
I was HORRIFIED to see that this weeks newsletter includes a poem which includes the word "brung". I have fought, and won, the battle over the use of that word in my home, and am disappointed that the school published it in a way that gives it authority in my children's eyes.
I do not think that it was included humorously. It certainly isn't funny to me.
I understand that some slang is now considered acceptable, but I draw the line at "brung" as it has a perfectly acceptable alternative of "brought". If "brought" doesn't fit the rhyme, then re-write the poem.
Sorry to jump on you about this, but I really am extremely disappointed. I would feel as strongly about the use of the word "youse", by the way.
Kind regards,
Fe
EDITED TO INCLUDE FOLLOWING CORRESPONDENCE...
Dear Fe,
Thank you for your email.
You do not need to be horrified by the use of the word "brung" in this context. Poetry is a literary device which can have different rules and conventions. It does not always need to conform to the usual rules of traditional grammar.
Our children are taught and generally understand this distinction , however, you can be assured that I will ask all the teachers to discuss this with the classes to reiterate that "brung" is not acceptable in speech or writing.
Regards,
Dear Headmistress of Boo's school (So sorry about mis-spelling your name)...
I wonder whether primary school children have the capacity to really grasp that concept. Still, as long as the distinction is made very clear within the classroom, and is followed up by the teachers, I will get down from my "horrified" horse and return to my stable.
Kind regards,
Fe
I was HORRIFIED to see that this weeks newsletter includes a poem which includes the word "brung". I have fought, and won, the battle over the use of that word in my home, and am disappointed that the school published it in a way that gives it authority in my children's eyes.
I do not think that it was included humorously. It certainly isn't funny to me.
I understand that some slang is now considered acceptable, but I draw the line at "brung" as it has a perfectly acceptable alternative of "brought". If "brought" doesn't fit the rhyme, then re-write the poem.
Sorry to jump on you about this, but I really am extremely disappointed. I would feel as strongly about the use of the word "youse", by the way.
Kind regards,
Fe
EDITED TO INCLUDE FOLLOWING CORRESPONDENCE...
Dear Fe,
Thank you for your email.
You do not need to be horrified by the use of the word "brung" in this context. Poetry is a literary device which can have different rules and conventions. It does not always need to conform to the usual rules of traditional grammar.
Our children are taught and generally understand this distinction , however, you can be assured that I will ask all the teachers to discuss this with the classes to reiterate that "brung" is not acceptable in speech or writing.
Regards,
Dear Headmistress of Boo's school (So sorry about mis-spelling your name)...
I wonder whether primary school children have the capacity to really grasp that concept. Still, as long as the distinction is made very clear within the classroom, and is followed up by the teachers, I will get down from my "horrified" horse and return to my stable.
Kind regards,
Fe
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
Dear DH....
On Sunday 26 April, you telephoned me and asked me if you could keep the boys for a third night. I said no, as the boys and I had arrangements for the Monday morning, and so you asked to return the boys home early by 6.30pm. When I rang you at 8.30pm to ask you where they were, you told me that you had "forgotten" to return them to me. You told me that they were at your home, with you, and told me that they would stay overnight.
This was an obvious act of pretending to agree with me and then doing exactly what you wanted to anyway.
On Sunday May 10, you dropped the boys back home to me ONE HOUR EARLIER than was usual. Without notifying me in advance.
Tonight, Wednesday 20 May, you dropped the boys back home to me ONE HOUR EARLIER than is usual. Without notifying me in advance.
This behaviour is exactly in tune with your habit of leaving the country without notifying me, and lying to me in person and in affidavits, but.... worse than that... it is DANGEROUS for the boys. You didn't check to see if I was home. You just dropped them off and drove away without caring whether they were locked out, or left at home alone. This is unbelievable behaviour from a man who is claiming to want to spend more time with his children.
The boys told me that you have enrolled in an Acting Class which will take place every Wednesday evening. And that, because of that class, you intend to drop them home by 6.30pm every Wednesday. You have neither asked me nor informed me of this change to our arrangement.
They tell me that you have been studying acting for a while now. I notice that you did not include fees for acting classes on your financial statements either to the Family Court of Australia or to the Child Support Agency. You also omitted to declare the house, monies and shares that you inherited from your father's estate to the Child Support Agency, and the monies and shares to the Family Court.
I know I can't convince you to stop lying to me and to the authorities, but I hope that I CAN convince you to stop putting the children at risk by dropping them off at home earlier than arranged without ensuring that I am there to look after them.
I will expect them at 6.30pm on Wednesdays from now on. Any change to this arrangement must be made with ME, by email. It is unforgivable to expect the boys to let me know about this or any other change to our arrangements.
Fe.
This was an obvious act of pretending to agree with me and then doing exactly what you wanted to anyway.
On Sunday May 10, you dropped the boys back home to me ONE HOUR EARLIER than was usual. Without notifying me in advance.
Tonight, Wednesday 20 May, you dropped the boys back home to me ONE HOUR EARLIER than is usual. Without notifying me in advance.
This behaviour is exactly in tune with your habit of leaving the country without notifying me, and lying to me in person and in affidavits, but.... worse than that... it is DANGEROUS for the boys. You didn't check to see if I was home. You just dropped them off and drove away without caring whether they were locked out, or left at home alone. This is unbelievable behaviour from a man who is claiming to want to spend more time with his children.
The boys told me that you have enrolled in an Acting Class which will take place every Wednesday evening. And that, because of that class, you intend to drop them home by 6.30pm every Wednesday. You have neither asked me nor informed me of this change to our arrangement.
They tell me that you have been studying acting for a while now. I notice that you did not include fees for acting classes on your financial statements either to the Family Court of Australia or to the Child Support Agency. You also omitted to declare the house, monies and shares that you inherited from your father's estate to the Child Support Agency, and the monies and shares to the Family Court.
I know I can't convince you to stop lying to me and to the authorities, but I hope that I CAN convince you to stop putting the children at risk by dropping them off at home earlier than arranged without ensuring that I am there to look after them.
I will expect them at 6.30pm on Wednesdays from now on. Any change to this arrangement must be made with ME, by email. It is unforgivable to expect the boys to let me know about this or any other change to our arrangements.
Fe.
Monday, May 18, 2009
Primary School for Pilots.....
Toto has recently joined the Australian Air League. It is an organisation open to boys and girls from 8 years of age onwards who are passionate about flying as a career or as a hobby.
Toto has known that he wanted to be a pilot from the time that he could talk. In fact, his very first word, after Dadda and Mumma, was "ANE!" with finger pointed excitedly towards the sky. My Dad was a Navigator during WWII, and has encouraged Toto by allowing him to use his sophisticated Flight Simulator software from a very early age. Toto has enough simulated real-time flying hours under his belt to have his pilots' licence already!
One of the best things about the Air League for Toto is that it gives him an opportunity to actually have his pilots' licence before he is of age to get his drivers' licence. The Air League owns a flying school just outside Sydney where the Air League members can learn to fly for a fraction of the cost of non-members. At the Air League meetings, he will gain his Navigation and Aviation Theory certificates, as well as other qualifications required to gain his pilots' licence.
The Air League members are highly regarded by the Australian Air Force and the Qantas Pilot Cadet programme... both of which are notoriously difficult to get into. Toto has his heart set on entering the Qantas Cadet Programme when he finishes school.
Toto's Squadron (he's on the far left)Yesterday was a parade through Sydney to celebrate the 75th Anniversary of the Australian Air League. Toto belongs to the very first Air League Squadron, and was therefore marching at the front of the entire parade. I've got to say that I never EVER thought I'd see my child marching in uniform through the city, and I was pretty blase about the whole thing. Especially when I was up late the night before ironing and sewing patches on his uniform. The reality of the experience, and knowing how much it meant to him, changed all of that for me on the day.
They marched from Martin Place along George Street and then down to Tumbalong Park in Darling Harbour, where they stood on full Parade, in the blaring late Autumn sun, while the ceremonial aspects of the day were carried out.The Governor General of NSW, Marie Bashir, was there to hand out awards to Squadrons and individuals. It took a loooong time.
And proved to be too much for many of the children. Toto included.
Re-hydrating in the shade, before marching back out onto Parade.When the whole thing had finished, Toto and I had a celebratory late lunch in Chinatown before being picked up by the friend who was looking after Boo, and driven home. Exhausted. And very proud.
Friday, May 15, 2009
Shuffle * Click *...
Well... *gulp*.... I now have a new lawyer.
I met with her on Wednesday and really REALLY liked her. She was horrified with the manner in which my old lawyer had handled the case and could not see why he had allowed it to get this far and this ugly without beginning any type of negotiation whatsoever. Unless, of course, it was to help pay off his own mortgage.
She was SHOCKED that he would not let me be present during court mentions which involved decisions to be made by me. She told me to insist that I be present during the court mention on Thursday, as I needed him to postpone the next scheduled hearing date of 26 May. I telephoned him after my meeting with .... ummmm.... let's call her "Smart Girl".... and he simply refused to allow me to be present. He also told me that the scheduled hearing date had already been postponed by DH's lawyer. Apparently she had sent him a letter on April 28. Well.... this was now May 13 and HE HADN'T FORWARDED IT TO ME.
So with NO GUILT whatsoever, I authorised Smart Girl to send him a letter notifying him that I want her to represent me, and authorising him to forward all files (upon payment of final account).
Now the gritty hard work begins. Again. But I feel so much stronger knowing that I have a lawyer who's passionate and pissed off on my behalf.
Very empowering.
I met with her on Wednesday and really REALLY liked her. She was horrified with the manner in which my old lawyer had handled the case and could not see why he had allowed it to get this far and this ugly without beginning any type of negotiation whatsoever. Unless, of course, it was to help pay off his own mortgage.
She was SHOCKED that he would not let me be present during court mentions which involved decisions to be made by me. She told me to insist that I be present during the court mention on Thursday, as I needed him to postpone the next scheduled hearing date of 26 May. I telephoned him after my meeting with .... ummmm.... let's call her "Smart Girl".... and he simply refused to allow me to be present. He also told me that the scheduled hearing date had already been postponed by DH's lawyer. Apparently she had sent him a letter on April 28. Well.... this was now May 13 and HE HADN'T FORWARDED IT TO ME.
So with NO GUILT whatsoever, I authorised Smart Girl to send him a letter notifying him that I want her to represent me, and authorising him to forward all files (upon payment of final account).
Now the gritty hard work begins. Again. But I feel so much stronger knowing that I have a lawyer who's passionate and pissed off on my behalf.
Very empowering.
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Aliens...
The following conversation took place tonight ONE HOUR before the boys usual bedtime... the time of night when we're rushing to finish homework, pack schoolbags, shower, brush teeth and make it into bed by 8.30pm.
Fe: "Toto..... have you had your shower yet?"
Toto: "Yes Mummy!"
Fe: "Boo.... What about you? Have you had your shower yet?"
Boo: "Yes Mummy!"
Fe: (calling out from the living room) "Where are you?"
Toto and Boo: "In bed!"
Fe: "Have you brushed your teeth?"
Toto and Boo: "Yes Mummy!"
Fe : "BOTH of you?!?"
Toto and Boo: "Yes Mummy!"
Fe: "Aaaauuurrrgggghhhh! Aliens have taken over my children! Are you my children or are you aliens?"
Toto and Boo: "Aliens!!" (Followed by me rushing in to remove the aliens and bring my boys back to life.)
Seriously.
Toto is now asleep and Boo is reading in bed.
Unbelievable.
Fe: "Toto..... have you had your shower yet?"
Toto: "Yes Mummy!"
Fe: "Boo.... What about you? Have you had your shower yet?"
Boo: "Yes Mummy!"
Fe: (calling out from the living room) "Where are you?"
Toto and Boo: "In bed!"
Fe: "Have you brushed your teeth?"
Toto and Boo: "Yes Mummy!"
Fe : "BOTH of you?!?"
Toto and Boo: "Yes Mummy!"
Fe: "Aaaauuurrrgggghhhh! Aliens have taken over my children! Are you my children or are you aliens?"
Toto and Boo: "Aliens!!" (Followed by me rushing in to remove the aliens and bring my boys back to life.)
Seriously.
Toto is now asleep and Boo is reading in bed.
Unbelievable.
Sunday, May 10, 2009
Slow start... spectacular finish....
They bounced through the door at 7.40pm screaming "Mummy! We've missed you!!!" and both burst into tears. Which of course meant that I burst into tears too.
They then very enthusiastically gave me their pressies.... aromatherapy oils which they had carefully picked themselves and just beautiful cards with the most amazing declarations of love from such young boys.
They had asked DH if they could come home early to spend some time with me, but he took them to celebrate Mother's Day with his cousin instead. Both were miserable all day. I think seeing other kids hanging out with their own Mum on this day was very hard for them.
Apparently dinner was only watermelon, so both were starving.
So... *sigh* .... we all had a miserable day without each other but a wonderful slice of gooey-ickey love at the very end.
I so appreciate the good moments.
They then very enthusiastically gave me their pressies.... aromatherapy oils which they had carefully picked themselves and just beautiful cards with the most amazing declarations of love from such young boys.
They had asked DH if they could come home early to spend some time with me, but he took them to celebrate Mother's Day with his cousin instead. Both were miserable all day. I think seeing other kids hanging out with their own Mum on this day was very hard for them.
Apparently dinner was only watermelon, so both were starving.
So... *sigh* .... we all had a miserable day without each other but a wonderful slice of gooey-ickey love at the very end.
I so appreciate the good moments.
Thank you Lara....
... for this wonderful start to my sadly kid-free Mother's Day.
click here
Happy Mother's Day to ALL the women who care for children, animals and other loved ones.
And thank you to my darling anonymous friend (you and I know who you are) for the beautiful flowers. I am so lucky to have you on my side.
click here
Happy Mother's Day to ALL the women who care for children, animals and other loved ones.
And thank you to my darling anonymous friend (you and I know who you are) for the beautiful flowers. I am so lucky to have you on my side.
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
The Other Woman....
I've been thinking about the fact that DH is using my depression to imply that I was responsible for the breakdown of our marriage (which is ridiculous considering Australia has no-fault divorce) and about how he has written the following in his Affidavit:
"I do not know and cannot admit why Fe suffered depression. To the best of my knowledge and belief Fe suffered depression associated with a condition known as hypothyroidism from 1995. I observed a progressive decline in Fe's ability to cope with her daily duties around the house leading up to the birth of Toto. After the birth of Toto Fe's symptoms did not improve. I observed that Fe's mood swings worsened. She would be normal one minute then outraged and aggressive the next. Fe was diagnosed with post partum depression in July 1997. I recall during the first few months of 1998 when I arrived home Fe would seek me out in the house and start a conversation. Frequently these conversations would develop into an argument and she would become aggressive and violent. On several occasions Fe physically attacked me. I now understand that Fe has continued with the regular care of a psychiatrist and has continued to take anti-depressant medication notwithstanding that we have been separation for over ten years."
This is not the worst paragraph in that particular Affidavit, but it's the one which has made me think about the circumstances of the end of a marriage.
I have to state here, quite categorically, that I have never attacked DH. Oh how I regret that now. I pushed him in the chest with open palms once in absolute fury, but "attacked" him? No.
I also want to state that in the early weeks after Toto was born, DH used to come into the house after a hard day of not working, sit on the sofa .. find me still in my dressing gown trying to settle my very unsettled baby and say "What's for dinner?". When I told him that I had not been to the shops and had not thought about dinner, he would roll his eyes and say "Well, what have you been doing all day?".
So, yes. We had arguments.
The main ones though... the ones that occurred in the early months of 1998... were about his affair.
A bit of background..... I was running a "Healing Centre" in the front part of our large house. 5 different Practitioners and I shared the practice rooms. It was a full time job simply managing the Centre and the Practitioners, and I had my own Counselling Practice as well. I was working up to the day I went into labour with Toto. My Mum and my sister-in-law helped me enormously with the Centre in the few weeks after Toto's birth, but I was soon back to full-time practice whilst rushing out the back between clients to either breast-feed Toto, or express milk. My Mum was caring for him on the days that I worked.
DH was studying Naturopathy at that time, as well as supposedly doing some plumbing work. He also saw some clients as a Masseur.
Isabel (oh yes I'm using her real name here) was an air stewardess who came to DH for massages. She became a friend of DH's, and would be invited out the back to see Toto and to chat with me.
Her schedule changed, and she asked DH to go to her house to massage her on Thursday evenings. We needed the money, and I trusted DH implicitly, so had no problem with this. He began to come home later and later... usually stoned. This, of course, WAS a problem with me.
I tried to discuss it with DH, but it was a "no go" area for him. His response to my questions was to call me paranoid, become incredibly insulted, drive away from the house, turn off his mobile phone, and not return for 2 or 3 days.
The massages continued.
When we found out that I was pregnant again, I asked him to stop massaging Isabel. He also had rugby training two nights a week and played poker with his "mates" on Wednesday. I needed more support with Toto during the evening. I was still working and was totally and utterly exhausted. (And, no, he did not behave like this during our courtship - or I obviously would not have married him. He didn't behave like this in the five years of marriage preceding children either - or I would not have had children with him.)
He wouldn't stop anything. He was defensive and turned everything into MY problem.
He left on January 11, 1998 (edited to correct the year... sorry) (details of which have been posted here).
We attempted a reconciliation in late February. He was invited to move back into the house while Toto and I were away for the weekend with my Mum. When my Mum and I returned home, DH wasn't there, but there was a very loving and intimate message on the answering machine from Isabel. There was no doubt that he was involved sexually with her.
He came home. Denied it. Became outraged. Disappeared for 3 days. Usual behaviour. Kept denying it.
There were no more attempted reconciliations.
A couple of years later, in a friendly patch, I asked him how long his relationship with Isabel had lasted. He told me that it had begun when he first went to her house on Thursday evenings but had not survived the phone message that she had left on my answering machine. I was shocked. I told him that he had never admitted it to me before. He responded with "Oh .. you always knew!". I asked him why he had denied it so strenuously and he said "I knew how upset you would have been about it. I was trying to protect you."
Seriously.
Christ.
Now, go back and re-read that paragraph from his affidavit.
"I do not know and cannot admit why Fe suffered depression. To the best of my knowledge and belief Fe suffered depression associated with a condition known as hypothyroidism from 1995. I observed a progressive decline in Fe's ability to cope with her daily duties around the house leading up to the birth of Toto. After the birth of Toto Fe's symptoms did not improve. I observed that Fe's mood swings worsened. She would be normal one minute then outraged and aggressive the next. Fe was diagnosed with post partum depression in July 1997. I recall during the first few months of 1998 when I arrived home Fe would seek me out in the house and start a conversation. Frequently these conversations would develop into an argument and she would become aggressive and violent. On several occasions Fe physically attacked me. I now understand that Fe has continued with the regular care of a psychiatrist and has continued to take anti-depressant medication notwithstanding that we have been separation for over ten years."
This is not the worst paragraph in that particular Affidavit, but it's the one which has made me think about the circumstances of the end of a marriage.
I have to state here, quite categorically, that I have never attacked DH. Oh how I regret that now. I pushed him in the chest with open palms once in absolute fury, but "attacked" him? No.
I also want to state that in the early weeks after Toto was born, DH used to come into the house after a hard day of not working, sit on the sofa .. find me still in my dressing gown trying to settle my very unsettled baby and say "What's for dinner?". When I told him that I had not been to the shops and had not thought about dinner, he would roll his eyes and say "Well, what have you been doing all day?".
So, yes. We had arguments.
The main ones though... the ones that occurred in the early months of 1998... were about his affair.
A bit of background..... I was running a "Healing Centre" in the front part of our large house. 5 different Practitioners and I shared the practice rooms. It was a full time job simply managing the Centre and the Practitioners, and I had my own Counselling Practice as well. I was working up to the day I went into labour with Toto. My Mum and my sister-in-law helped me enormously with the Centre in the few weeks after Toto's birth, but I was soon back to full-time practice whilst rushing out the back between clients to either breast-feed Toto, or express milk. My Mum was caring for him on the days that I worked.
DH was studying Naturopathy at that time, as well as supposedly doing some plumbing work. He also saw some clients as a Masseur.
Isabel (oh yes I'm using her real name here) was an air stewardess who came to DH for massages. She became a friend of DH's, and would be invited out the back to see Toto and to chat with me.
Her schedule changed, and she asked DH to go to her house to massage her on Thursday evenings. We needed the money, and I trusted DH implicitly, so had no problem with this. He began to come home later and later... usually stoned. This, of course, WAS a problem with me.
I tried to discuss it with DH, but it was a "no go" area for him. His response to my questions was to call me paranoid, become incredibly insulted, drive away from the house, turn off his mobile phone, and not return for 2 or 3 days.
The massages continued.
When we found out that I was pregnant again, I asked him to stop massaging Isabel. He also had rugby training two nights a week and played poker with his "mates" on Wednesday. I needed more support with Toto during the evening. I was still working and was totally and utterly exhausted. (And, no, he did not behave like this during our courtship - or I obviously would not have married him. He didn't behave like this in the five years of marriage preceding children either - or I would not have had children with him.)
He wouldn't stop anything. He was defensive and turned everything into MY problem.
He left on January 11, 1998 (edited to correct the year... sorry) (details of which have been posted here).
We attempted a reconciliation in late February. He was invited to move back into the house while Toto and I were away for the weekend with my Mum. When my Mum and I returned home, DH wasn't there, but there was a very loving and intimate message on the answering machine from Isabel. There was no doubt that he was involved sexually with her.
He came home. Denied it. Became outraged. Disappeared for 3 days. Usual behaviour. Kept denying it.
There were no more attempted reconciliations.
A couple of years later, in a friendly patch, I asked him how long his relationship with Isabel had lasted. He told me that it had begun when he first went to her house on Thursday evenings but had not survived the phone message that she had left on my answering machine. I was shocked. I told him that he had never admitted it to me before. He responded with "Oh .. you always knew!". I asked him why he had denied it so strenuously and he said "I knew how upset you would have been about it. I was trying to protect you."
Seriously.
Christ.
Now, go back and re-read that paragraph from his affidavit.
New Lawyer...
A close family friend of my parents' spoke to her daughter about my situation. Her daughter, as it turns out, has been a Barristers' Clerk for 25 years and really knows who is who within the Sydney legal fraternity.
She used to send a lot of work DH's lawyers' way, until she began to be too expensive, too aggressive and too arrogant. She told me that DH's lawyer requires $20,000.00 upfront before she will take your case. If DH's financial statement is true, there is no way he could have afforded that. More lies.
She reacted to my story pretty much as most of you have. She said that I needed a new lawyer as I felt that he wasn't "leading" my case. She was shocked at the lack of pro-active steps taken by my lawyer (we seem to only be responding to DH's lawyer - waiting to see how they are leading the case instead of trying to negotiate and outrageously refute his allegations towards me).
And she said that she knows the lawyer just right for me in this situation.
20 minutes later, I was on the phone to my potential new lawyer. And *OH* what a difference just in style of communicating! She said "bastard!" in all the right places (regarding DH), asked for details steps of the case and was quite shocked at the lack of action taken. She was reassuring and calming and said that she knew DH's lawyer well and that her (DH's lawyer) attitude will change once she (DH's lawyer) knows she (my potential new lawyer) is on the case (*phew* - I'm going to have to give them code names!!).
Anyway... the main thing was that she sounded outraged at what I'm being put through by a lawyer (DH's) who is known to be aggressive and bullying and unwilling to negotiate. She also likes to drag things out so that she can justify her $20,000 minimum fee. The impression that I'm getting is that my current lawyer is not "ball-sy" enough to face up to her. My potential new lawyer, however, says that she is. And she's passionate about it.
I'm seeing her next week. The kids are seeing their own lawyer - for the very first time - this afternoon. And we've got a mention in front of the Registrar on Friday morning.
And I'm feeling slightly lighter. As though somebody with the tools and knowledge that I need to access is on my side.
Oh, I still haven't heard back from my current lawyer. I've left him 2 phone messages and sent him 2 emails full of questions. The last thing he wrote to me was "I await your instructions".... without giving me a single idea as to what those instructions could or should be. Those instructions will now probably be "Send my file to ....".
She used to send a lot of work DH's lawyers' way, until she began to be too expensive, too aggressive and too arrogant. She told me that DH's lawyer requires $20,000.00 upfront before she will take your case. If DH's financial statement is true, there is no way he could have afforded that. More lies.
She reacted to my story pretty much as most of you have. She said that I needed a new lawyer as I felt that he wasn't "leading" my case. She was shocked at the lack of pro-active steps taken by my lawyer (we seem to only be responding to DH's lawyer - waiting to see how they are leading the case instead of trying to negotiate and outrageously refute his allegations towards me).
And she said that she knows the lawyer just right for me in this situation.
20 minutes later, I was on the phone to my potential new lawyer. And *OH* what a difference just in style of communicating! She said "bastard!" in all the right places (regarding DH), asked for details steps of the case and was quite shocked at the lack of action taken. She was reassuring and calming and said that she knew DH's lawyer well and that her (DH's lawyer) attitude will change once she (DH's lawyer) knows she (my potential new lawyer) is on the case (*phew* - I'm going to have to give them code names!!).
Anyway... the main thing was that she sounded outraged at what I'm being put through by a lawyer (DH's) who is known to be aggressive and bullying and unwilling to negotiate. She also likes to drag things out so that she can justify her $20,000 minimum fee. The impression that I'm getting is that my current lawyer is not "ball-sy" enough to face up to her. My potential new lawyer, however, says that she is. And she's passionate about it.
I'm seeing her next week. The kids are seeing their own lawyer - for the very first time - this afternoon. And we've got a mention in front of the Registrar on Friday morning.
And I'm feeling slightly lighter. As though somebody with the tools and knowledge that I need to access is on my side.
Oh, I still haven't heard back from my current lawyer. I've left him 2 phone messages and sent him 2 emails full of questions. The last thing he wrote to me was "I await your instructions".... without giving me a single idea as to what those instructions could or should be. Those instructions will now probably be "Send my file to ....".
Monday, May 4, 2009
Great news... not....
Today my mum told me a story about the daughter of a friend of hers.
She was in a very similar situation to me. She had supported her husband financially throughout their marriage and she had bought the marital home with no financial support from her husband.
Her husband left her when she was pregnant with their first child.
And took her to Family Court for a Financial Settlement.
Because she had been a professional with a high earning potential before becoming a single mother, and he had been a tradie with a lower income (just like me and DH)..... he ended up getting the entire house and she had to pay him child support for the 4 nights a fortnight when he cared for their child. Even though she had no income other than her pension.
Yeah, I know. Just another sorry tale about the injustices dished out by the Family Court.
Except that the point of this story is that that man's lawyer was the same one that DH is using.
She probably wore the mother out. She probably kept on going until there was no energy or money or sanity left.
How can any part of society not see that pregnant women, and mothers of young children, are vulnerable when it comes to being traumatised by the use of money and litigation as a weapon against them? How can any part of society not allocate rights to those women regardless of their ability to pay for hot-shot barristers or aggressive lawyers?
THIS mother of young children is barely coping with the process now. I literally did NOT cope with the process when I was pregnant with my second child and responding to DH's applications to the Family Court. And the fact that I fell apart then is being used against me now. I am being labelled "emotionally and mentally unstable" because of my reaction to the manner in which he left me and his resulting litigiousness during my pregnancy.
It was a RESULT. Not a CAUSE. DH is using it as justification as to why our marriage broke down. And now he's using it as evidence that I'm obviously lying while he's obviously telling the truth.
She was in a very similar situation to me. She had supported her husband financially throughout their marriage and she had bought the marital home with no financial support from her husband.
Her husband left her when she was pregnant with their first child.
And took her to Family Court for a Financial Settlement.
Because she had been a professional with a high earning potential before becoming a single mother, and he had been a tradie with a lower income (just like me and DH)..... he ended up getting the entire house and she had to pay him child support for the 4 nights a fortnight when he cared for their child. Even though she had no income other than her pension.
Yeah, I know. Just another sorry tale about the injustices dished out by the Family Court.
Except that the point of this story is that that man's lawyer was the same one that DH is using.
She probably wore the mother out. She probably kept on going until there was no energy or money or sanity left.
How can any part of society not see that pregnant women, and mothers of young children, are vulnerable when it comes to being traumatised by the use of money and litigation as a weapon against them? How can any part of society not allocate rights to those women regardless of their ability to pay for hot-shot barristers or aggressive lawyers?
THIS mother of young children is barely coping with the process now. I literally did NOT cope with the process when I was pregnant with my second child and responding to DH's applications to the Family Court. And the fact that I fell apart then is being used against me now. I am being labelled "emotionally and mentally unstable" because of my reaction to the manner in which he left me and his resulting litigiousness during my pregnancy.
It was a RESULT. Not a CAUSE. DH is using it as justification as to why our marriage broke down. And now he's using it as evidence that I'm obviously lying while he's obviously telling the truth.
Saturday, May 2, 2009
Justice...
or "injustice".
Frustration isn't a strong enough word. I'm incredibly angry and sad and wildly frustrated with the situation that I find myself in.
I'm doing all of the right things.
I've done all of the right things for the past 11 years.
And yet DH lies and manipulates and submits more applications for orders to the Family Court and although I can clearly see how outrageous his submissions are, I have to spend thousands of hours and dollars trying to prove him wrong.
And even then it might not be enough.
I can see why people give up. I can see why respondent mothers lose their kids, and why respondent good fathers surrender to not seeing their kids. The system protects nobody, except divorced litigious fathers, right now. The Family Court system is shrouded in secrecy and has been since it began. Nobody is allowed to know the details and outcomes of cases which have been through the court. And without this information, people like you and me continue to believe that the system is fair and just. Until we have to live it for ourselves.
DH has declared his half ownership in the house. It has just been sold, and between that and "other investments" that he's inherited, he will be over $300,000.00 richer in June. Never mind that. He still can't afford to pay his debt to me. Any of it. And his reasons why are both ridiculous and insulting and outrageous.
Just to give you a hint of what I'm putting up with.... the first paragraph of his Affidavit attached to an Application to remove all Spousal Maintenance (NOT about custody).... states that he considers that I am mentally unstable and refers to my stint in the Psychiatric Hospital with PND in 1998 as evidence of this. And it gets worse from there.
I feel as though my lawyer has given up. It's as though he's realised that DH isn't going to settle or to go-away, and that from here on in it's going to get nasty and cost the big bucks (which he knows I don't have). He's not volunteering any information or advice to me. He's asking for my instructions. I have "instructed" him to advise me as to what my next step should be.
For all these years, the legal fraternity has told me that the only thing stopping me being able to enforce the payment of the debt was my not being able to prove that he had the money to repay it. Well, he has now. He's even admitted it. Yet, apparently, according to my lawyer, this means very little.
I'm guessing that he's half believing the ridiculous lies in DH's statement, or at least considering that a Judicial Registrar may have trouble getting past them, and therefore thinking that he is on a sinking ship.
The stress that I'm under is insane. Surely I should have an opportunity to point out that, YES, I suffer from depression BECAUSE of how DH has treated me and my children over the years. YES I suffered from severe, hospital-needing PND, BECAUSE of how DH treated me during my pregnancy and because I was going through Family Court during that pregnancy. And YES, I am less able to cope with the stress of his litigiousness through the Family Court now and I think he knows that all too well. He is applying for shared parenting to remove all future financial obligations to me and the boys, closely followed by removing a debt which is OWED. He SIGNED a court order saying that he would pay for spousal maintenance as Boo wasn't born and therefore could not be on the order for Child Support. He signed the court order to pay for our Health Insurance, which he cancelled 6 years later without telling me. He signed the court order to support me while I was on my own with two babies under 16 months. And he simply didn't pay. Any of it. And now he simply wants it to go away.
But that reasoning isn't "legal-ese" and is "too emotional" for an affidavit.
I'm going truly crazy.
There was a rally in all major capital cities in Australia today. It's main focus was on getting the Family Court to pay attention to the children and to stop allowing abusing parents (predominantly fathers) unsupervised access to their kids. It's about reversing the assumption that "shared care" is the ideal parenting arrangement in EVERY situation.
I didn't attend. I had the boys and didn't want all of us to wear the red hoods to distinguish us as people who are currently going through the Family Law Courts, as well as to cover our faces and protect our identities from the press.
I feel sick about not being there. I'm SO desperate for change, and can't even manage to get to a rally.
I guess that's just a part of depression.
Frustration isn't a strong enough word. I'm incredibly angry and sad and wildly frustrated with the situation that I find myself in.
I'm doing all of the right things.
I've done all of the right things for the past 11 years.
And yet DH lies and manipulates and submits more applications for orders to the Family Court and although I can clearly see how outrageous his submissions are, I have to spend thousands of hours and dollars trying to prove him wrong.
And even then it might not be enough.
I can see why people give up. I can see why respondent mothers lose their kids, and why respondent good fathers surrender to not seeing their kids. The system protects nobody, except divorced litigious fathers, right now. The Family Court system is shrouded in secrecy and has been since it began. Nobody is allowed to know the details and outcomes of cases which have been through the court. And without this information, people like you and me continue to believe that the system is fair and just. Until we have to live it for ourselves.
DH has declared his half ownership in the house. It has just been sold, and between that and "other investments" that he's inherited, he will be over $300,000.00 richer in June. Never mind that. He still can't afford to pay his debt to me. Any of it. And his reasons why are both ridiculous and insulting and outrageous.
Just to give you a hint of what I'm putting up with.... the first paragraph of his Affidavit attached to an Application to remove all Spousal Maintenance (NOT about custody).... states that he considers that I am mentally unstable and refers to my stint in the Psychiatric Hospital with PND in 1998 as evidence of this. And it gets worse from there.
I feel as though my lawyer has given up. It's as though he's realised that DH isn't going to settle or to go-away, and that from here on in it's going to get nasty and cost the big bucks (which he knows I don't have). He's not volunteering any information or advice to me. He's asking for my instructions. I have "instructed" him to advise me as to what my next step should be.
For all these years, the legal fraternity has told me that the only thing stopping me being able to enforce the payment of the debt was my not being able to prove that he had the money to repay it. Well, he has now. He's even admitted it. Yet, apparently, according to my lawyer, this means very little.
I'm guessing that he's half believing the ridiculous lies in DH's statement, or at least considering that a Judicial Registrar may have trouble getting past them, and therefore thinking that he is on a sinking ship.
The stress that I'm under is insane. Surely I should have an opportunity to point out that, YES, I suffer from depression BECAUSE of how DH has treated me and my children over the years. YES I suffered from severe, hospital-needing PND, BECAUSE of how DH treated me during my pregnancy and because I was going through Family Court during that pregnancy. And YES, I am less able to cope with the stress of his litigiousness through the Family Court now and I think he knows that all too well. He is applying for shared parenting to remove all future financial obligations to me and the boys, closely followed by removing a debt which is OWED. He SIGNED a court order saying that he would pay for spousal maintenance as Boo wasn't born and therefore could not be on the order for Child Support. He signed the court order to pay for our Health Insurance, which he cancelled 6 years later without telling me. He signed the court order to support me while I was on my own with two babies under 16 months. And he simply didn't pay. Any of it. And now he simply wants it to go away.
But that reasoning isn't "legal-ese" and is "too emotional" for an affidavit.
I'm going truly crazy.
There was a rally in all major capital cities in Australia today. It's main focus was on getting the Family Court to pay attention to the children and to stop allowing abusing parents (predominantly fathers) unsupervised access to their kids. It's about reversing the assumption that "shared care" is the ideal parenting arrangement in EVERY situation.
I didn't attend. I had the boys and didn't want all of us to wear the red hoods to distinguish us as people who are currently going through the Family Law Courts, as well as to cover our faces and protect our identities from the press.
I feel sick about not being there. I'm SO desperate for change, and can't even manage to get to a rally.
I guess that's just a part of depression.
Friday, April 24, 2009
That was a long time between posts....
It's been an incredibly stressful week with all of the legal stuff.
The Family Dispute Resolution conference was supposed to have been last Friday... a mandatory "final" effort at agreeing on court orders with DH before the judge gets to decide.
It was supposed to have been the three lawyers representing the boys, DH and me.
But the boys' lawyer was sick and had not met them. And she wouldn't be meeting them before the hearing.
This was a REALLY bad thing, as the biggest thing that my argument has going for it is that the boys' do NOT want to change the current living arrangements, and the boys' lawyer is supposed to present the Family Court Counsellor's report stating that it would be detrimental to the boys if the current arrangements were changed.
But the Resolution conference date was not being changed DESPITE the boys' lawyer not having met the boys. And it was still going to go ahead even if she didn't appear.
This was insane. My lawyer had not been given the Counsellor's report and therefore we could not present any information from it.
And.... if it looked as though I was being the difficult one in terms of deferring the Resolution conference date and therefore seen to be the one not willing to come to an agreement, I could be forced to pay DH's costs as well as mine. ALL of them... not just for this hearing.
So... I made a HUGE fuss with my lawyer and mentioned taking this to the Federal Court if we went ahead with this with the boys' lawyer having not even met with her clients. I was speaking through my .. umm... BUM because I have no idea if I can even do that!
He madly rang all involved, and it turned out that the Court Counsellor had not even prepared a report as she had not been told of the hearing date.
That was it.
Six or seven emails later, the hearing was postponed. By the children's lawyer.
My heart was in my chest all day.
But then the BEST THING HAPPENED!
My lawyer had applied for a check on the Property Index Register. Something that the Child Support Agency had told me that they had done years ago.
And DH owns a property.
With his sister. But it's an asset that he has not mentioned in any of his financial statements to the court or to the child support agency. He also has not reported any income from tenants. It is an asset which can be held against a debt.
Whether it WILL be is another thing altogether. But as long as the debt does not get removed with the application that he is currently lodging, I can put a caveat on the title of the property to ensure that he can never sell it without a court case involving repaying me the money. The outcome of that court case would be the only way to lift the caveat and allow the sale. I can imagine that his sister may need the money at some stage in her lifetime and therefore the sale will be inevitable.
The lying scum bag finally got found out.
I then rang the Child Support Agency to report this latest piece of information, and they told me that our case is now, after SIX bloody years(!!!!)... escalated to the "Intensive Debt Collection" cell. This is where they can run the "level 2 searches" like property searches and Oztrek searches (looking for money going in and out of the country from/to him).
Apparently his need for privacy protected him from having any of those searches run on him before.
I am furious that they have not escalated us to this "cell" before! How big does the debt have to get for that to happen?! How many months/years does he get to NOT pay before that happens?
Still.... the fact that I have found this asset of his has lightened my spirit unbelievably. It's the first good news I've had in a long time.
And, even though I knew he was a lying piece of shit, it gives me even greater satisfaction to have it so blatantly displayed for all the world (and all the judges) to see.
The Family Dispute Resolution conference was supposed to have been last Friday... a mandatory "final" effort at agreeing on court orders with DH before the judge gets to decide.
It was supposed to have been the three lawyers representing the boys, DH and me.
But the boys' lawyer was sick and had not met them. And she wouldn't be meeting them before the hearing.
This was a REALLY bad thing, as the biggest thing that my argument has going for it is that the boys' do NOT want to change the current living arrangements, and the boys' lawyer is supposed to present the Family Court Counsellor's report stating that it would be detrimental to the boys if the current arrangements were changed.
But the Resolution conference date was not being changed DESPITE the boys' lawyer not having met the boys. And it was still going to go ahead even if she didn't appear.
This was insane. My lawyer had not been given the Counsellor's report and therefore we could not present any information from it.
And.... if it looked as though I was being the difficult one in terms of deferring the Resolution conference date and therefore seen to be the one not willing to come to an agreement, I could be forced to pay DH's costs as well as mine. ALL of them... not just for this hearing.
So... I made a HUGE fuss with my lawyer and mentioned taking this to the Federal Court if we went ahead with this with the boys' lawyer having not even met with her clients. I was speaking through my .. umm... BUM because I have no idea if I can even do that!
He madly rang all involved, and it turned out that the Court Counsellor had not even prepared a report as she had not been told of the hearing date.
That was it.
Six or seven emails later, the hearing was postponed. By the children's lawyer.
My heart was in my chest all day.
But then the BEST THING HAPPENED!
My lawyer had applied for a check on the Property Index Register. Something that the Child Support Agency had told me that they had done years ago.
And DH owns a property.
With his sister. But it's an asset that he has not mentioned in any of his financial statements to the court or to the child support agency. He also has not reported any income from tenants. It is an asset which can be held against a debt.
Whether it WILL be is another thing altogether. But as long as the debt does not get removed with the application that he is currently lodging, I can put a caveat on the title of the property to ensure that he can never sell it without a court case involving repaying me the money. The outcome of that court case would be the only way to lift the caveat and allow the sale. I can imagine that his sister may need the money at some stage in her lifetime and therefore the sale will be inevitable.
The lying scum bag finally got found out.
I then rang the Child Support Agency to report this latest piece of information, and they told me that our case is now, after SIX bloody years(!!!!)... escalated to the "Intensive Debt Collection" cell. This is where they can run the "level 2 searches" like property searches and Oztrek searches (looking for money going in and out of the country from/to him).
Apparently his need for privacy protected him from having any of those searches run on him before.
I am furious that they have not escalated us to this "cell" before! How big does the debt have to get for that to happen?! How many months/years does he get to NOT pay before that happens?
Still.... the fact that I have found this asset of his has lightened my spirit unbelievably. It's the first good news I've had in a long time.
And, even though I knew he was a lying piece of shit, it gives me even greater satisfaction to have it so blatantly displayed for all the world (and all the judges) to see.
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
UNbelievable....
Despite everything that he was told in the Family Court Ordered Counselling session (here) about the boys' wishes and that in the opinion of the Counsellor (who has 25 years of experience as a Family Court Counsellor) :
.... DH is continuing with the legal action.
Never mind that, in the counselling session, he agreed to work out a parenting plan with the counsellor and me.
Never mind that he knows that this stuff is damaging our children in ways which we may never ever know.
I'm SO pissed off. And I'm pissed off with myself for believing YET AGAIN that he could possibly put the children's needs before his own. And I'm shattered and horrified by the devastation that will cause my boys. They have been different children since being told that there was every chance that the legal stuff would stop.
And I think I was right to tell them that. After all, DH did agree to it. I even questioned his agreeing to it and he emphasised that he would do it.
I knew that we still had a road to go to actually work out a parenting plan... but it would be nothing compared to the road we're on which ultimately leads to a Judicial Registrar deciding what's best for our children based upon whose lawyer is best able to articulate, instead of listening to what is actually best for the boys.
Now it's about the children seeing their own lawyer and then all 3 lawyers battling it out. And if we don't come to an agreement, then it's up to the Judicial Registrar. Oh, and the Counsellor's report may or may not be taken into account by the Judicial Registrar. It's up to them.
The boys' have an appointment with their lawyer this Thursday. They're with DH all this week. Which means that I won't see them before then. I can call them on their mobile phones, but DH always stays nearby and they are uncomfortable talking to me that way. Still, knowing how intimidated they are by him, I will call them before their appointment just to tell them to stick to their truths and to say the same things that they said to the Counsellor. Just pray that their phones are on and within range.
I spoke to my lawyer today, and he said that DH's lawyer was encouraging DH to battle this out. My lawyer ran into her at Court today, and apparently she told him to tell his client (me) to reach a compromise.
Oh, and that they were attaching NEW orders to get rid of the Spousal Maintenance. He's never paid a cent of that anyway. Not ONE cent. I'm happy to get rid of that. I just wish I could use it as leverage to get him to LEAVE MY CHILDREN ALONE.
Sorry for the rant.
I'm just so incredibly pissed off.
- It would NOT be in the best interests of the boys to change the current living arrangements
- DH's relationship with the boys will deteriorate dramatically if he continues the legal action
- Both boys STRONGLY do not want to change the current living arrangements
.... DH is continuing with the legal action.
Never mind that, in the counselling session, he agreed to work out a parenting plan with the counsellor and me.
Never mind that he knows that this stuff is damaging our children in ways which we may never ever know.
I'm SO pissed off. And I'm pissed off with myself for believing YET AGAIN that he could possibly put the children's needs before his own. And I'm shattered and horrified by the devastation that will cause my boys. They have been different children since being told that there was every chance that the legal stuff would stop.
And I think I was right to tell them that. After all, DH did agree to it. I even questioned his agreeing to it and he emphasised that he would do it.
I knew that we still had a road to go to actually work out a parenting plan... but it would be nothing compared to the road we're on which ultimately leads to a Judicial Registrar deciding what's best for our children based upon whose lawyer is best able to articulate, instead of listening to what is actually best for the boys.
Now it's about the children seeing their own lawyer and then all 3 lawyers battling it out. And if we don't come to an agreement, then it's up to the Judicial Registrar. Oh, and the Counsellor's report may or may not be taken into account by the Judicial Registrar. It's up to them.
The boys' have an appointment with their lawyer this Thursday. They're with DH all this week. Which means that I won't see them before then. I can call them on their mobile phones, but DH always stays nearby and they are uncomfortable talking to me that way. Still, knowing how intimidated they are by him, I will call them before their appointment just to tell them to stick to their truths and to say the same things that they said to the Counsellor. Just pray that their phones are on and within range.
I spoke to my lawyer today, and he said that DH's lawyer was encouraging DH to battle this out. My lawyer ran into her at Court today, and apparently she told him to tell his client (me) to reach a compromise.
Oh, and that they were attaching NEW orders to get rid of the Spousal Maintenance. He's never paid a cent of that anyway. Not ONE cent. I'm happy to get rid of that. I just wish I could use it as leverage to get him to LEAVE MY CHILDREN ALONE.
Sorry for the rant.
I'm just so incredibly pissed off.
Saturday, April 11, 2009
Poor Toto...
The boys were incredibly upset about leaving me for a whole week yesterday. Especially Toto.
It is absolutely devastating to see your child heaving and crying and begging you not to make them go.
I held it together until they left, and then completely lost it myself.
All I could say to reassure them was "Daddy really loves you.... and if he gets angry you can think in your mind that he really loves you but doesn't know how else to behave". How difficult is that going to be for 10 and 12 year olds?
I just didn't know what else to say.
It is absolutely devastating to see your child heaving and crying and begging you not to make them go.
I held it together until they left, and then completely lost it myself.
All I could say to reassure them was "Daddy really loves you.... and if he gets angry you can think in your mind that he really loves you but doesn't know how else to behave". How difficult is that going to be for 10 and 12 year olds?
I just didn't know what else to say.
Friday, April 10, 2009
Woof woof....
Happy Good Friday everyone... from my germ-riddled home to yours!
Yes, I'm sick as a dog. Barking sick. No voice. Blocked nose. Fever. Headache. And I'm not handling it well. I'm calling it "Man-Flu" because I feel like I'm dying whilst knowing that it's only a case of the flu.
Boo has had it all week. I kept him home from school as I didn't want him to pass it on to others just before our Easter Holidays, and he obviously gave it to me.
Which meant that I have missed out on lots of lovely social activities. Ah well.
We did, however, attend a wonderful Passover celebration on Wednesday night at our good friend Jenni's. It was the first time my boys had attended Passover, and, although they didn't really appreciate all of the food, they loved the ceremonial aspects and learning the history of the holiday.
They're off to DH's today for the first week of the holidays. I'm dreading the silence and agony of missing them. They've been SO much happier since their session with the Family Court counsellor. The relief of telling their truth to her, and of finding out that it's now much more likely that they will continue to live with me, has lifted an enormous burden from their small shoulders.
This week will be the first time they've seen DH since it all happened though, and they're a bit nervous about his reaction to all that they told the counsellor. I have told them that I will come and get them at any time if they are feeling worried and if DH is threatening them in any way (of course I didn't use those words at all.... just said to call me if they were scared of Daddy's anger) even though he's taking them 3.5 hours out of Sydney for the Easter weekend.
Fingers crossed he doesn't take his frustration out on them.
Yes, I'm sick as a dog. Barking sick. No voice. Blocked nose. Fever. Headache. And I'm not handling it well. I'm calling it "Man-Flu" because I feel like I'm dying whilst knowing that it's only a case of the flu.
Boo has had it all week. I kept him home from school as I didn't want him to pass it on to others just before our Easter Holidays, and he obviously gave it to me.
Which meant that I have missed out on lots of lovely social activities. Ah well.
We did, however, attend a wonderful Passover celebration on Wednesday night at our good friend Jenni's. It was the first time my boys had attended Passover, and, although they didn't really appreciate all of the food, they loved the ceremonial aspects and learning the history of the holiday.
They're off to DH's today for the first week of the holidays. I'm dreading the silence and agony of missing them. They've been SO much happier since their session with the Family Court counsellor. The relief of telling their truth to her, and of finding out that it's now much more likely that they will continue to live with me, has lifted an enormous burden from their small shoulders.
This week will be the first time they've seen DH since it all happened though, and they're a bit nervous about his reaction to all that they told the counsellor. I have told them that I will come and get them at any time if they are feeling worried and if DH is threatening them in any way (of course I didn't use those words at all.... just said to call me if they were scared of Daddy's anger) even though he's taking them 3.5 hours out of Sydney for the Easter weekend.
Fingers crossed he doesn't take his frustration out on them.
Friday, April 3, 2009
The Family Court Counselling. Where do I start?...
It was five hours. Three hours of being with DH in a small room and two hours of anxiously waiting while my babies were being counselled about what their wishes were.
At no time were the 4 of use in the counselling room together... thank god. The counsellor obviously took one whiff of the tension between DH and me and realised that it would NOT be good for the kids.
So... I'll do my best to share what happened. There was a lot said though, and I was incredibly emotional, so I cannot remember everything.
I remember that the counsellor was not very warm or friendly. Sure, she needs to stay detached, but I felt that she was quite judgmental.
DH was trying to paint a picture of himself as a saint-like father who was fighting the “good fight” (against a wicked witch) to see more of his kids before they grow up. He said things like “I know that, as boys, they need their father more than their mother now and I want them to live with me so that they can have a proper relationship with me”. He said that I had always used the issue of money (unpaid child support) to keep him feeling guilty, which had led him to not being able to communicate with me, which led him to this legal action.
Every single thing he said was about blaming me.
At one point we flared up at each other. The counsellor was talking about the “open wound” of our separation 11 years ago as the primary cause of all of our problems. DH said something along the lines of “She made me leave her. She was depressed and pregnant and was impossible to live with. No man would have stayed in that situation” and I sat up in my chair, turned to face him, and, shaking and crying, said “No decent man would leave his pregnant wife and baby because she was suffering from AN ILLNESS!! And then SUE HER FOR MONEY! And then NOT PAY CHILD SUPPORT”. The counsellor was telling me that she heard him say that he was suffering enormous guilt from having left like that and I said that I could not hear any of that in the words that he was saying, and that if he felt guilt, why had he never fulfilled his financial and moral obligations in the following 11 years. And DH interrupted to say that HE did not sue me, his LAWYERS sued me. Apparently not his responsibility at all.
She said that I had equal responsibility in all of that because I could not forgive him.
*&*@%#^$%@%&#%%@&*#%#@*(#&^$#%
ARE YOU KIDDING ME?????
Not long after that, he and I were sent to wait (I went outside the building so that I would not have to sit in the waiting room with him) while she spoke to the boys. I was tearful and faint, and, knowing that every word said in that room is reportable to the Judicial Registrar (the judge) worried that I had blown it.
Two hours later, DH and I were back in her room. I was determined to be non-reactive this time.
She told us about her time with the boys, about her impressions of them. They were remarkably accurate.
She had said to the boys that if they had 3 wishes, what would they be?
Boo said “1. That my parents stop fighting. 2. That the court case ends. 3. That I have unlimited wishes” (that’s my boy!!)
Toto said “1. That the court case ends. 2. That my parents start talking. 3. That's all I want.”
And then she told us that both boys felt very strongly that they DID NOT WANT TO CHANGE THE CURRENT LIVING ARRANGEMENTS. And that she felt strongly that it would not be in the boys best interests to do so.
I burst into tears. Tears of relief. Tears of amazement that my boys had overcome their fear of DH’s reactions to their words in order to tell their truths.
She went on to tell DH that both boys loved him, but had major concerns about his anger. She said that there was a HUGE difference in our parenting styles, and that the boys felt unsafe with DH and safe with me. When asked what they did when they were angry with their mother, both boys answered “I’ve never been angry with my mother”. When asked what they did when they were angry with their father, Toto said “I hide and get anxious and have trouble breathing and cry”. Boo said “I play my games and refuse to talk to him”.
Both boys brought up the incident in the back lane last March, and the counsellor emphasised to DH how inappropriate his behaviour had been. He crapped on and tried to defend himself, but she shut him down and told him that he had to apologise to the boys about it. One year later, and he still hadn’t done that! Sheesh.
(I've just realised that I haven't ever written about that horrendous incident in the back lane last March. DH was furious with them for having telephoned me because they were terrified as he had left them alone for a long period of time. He lives in the red-light district of Sydney and they get very scared there. I had jumped into my car and driven over there... not to take them home but to stay with them until DH returned. He returned before I got there, and was FURIOUS with them! He told them that if they went home with me they may as well never return. He then put them out in the back lane (unlit and very scary) and closed his garage door. By the time I got there they were scared out of their wits and absolutely hysterical. I took them home, calming them down, telling them that their Dad really loved them and was just angry and would be feeling awful about having done what he did etc etc. He wasn't feeling awful. In fact, he rang up over an hour later still wanting to yell at them for not showing him respect.
It was after that event that the boys refused to stay overnight at DH's house for a couple of weeks. Apparently he left them alone there A LOT. And got that angry A LOT. They had had enough. A few weeks later I convinced them to stay over on the weekend nights that they were there... and that is what they have been doing ever since.)
The boys also said that when they were at DH’s, his flatmate was always there, and he always had friends over. They said that the only times that they were ever alone with him was when they were playing sport.... and even then he was yelling at them and correcting them. She suggested that he attend some sort of parenting programme to help him learn how to respond to their behaviour differently.
He kept defending himself, telling her that Boo was defiant and Toto was easily upset, and she asked me how I handled those aspects of their personalities. I told her that I treated them equally and consistently in terms of behavioral consequences and rewards, and therefore didn’t really see those behaviours at home. She seemed to doubt me, but I explained that I had done parenting courses early on, and had the ongoing support of a Child and Family Psychiatrist and had worked very hard on being consistent when it came to behavioral issues. The kids fought with each other, I got angry with them for procrastinating with chores etc, but nothing ever blew up into a drama. She believed me then.
DH kept referring to the number of nights that he had the boys to stay, and comparing his with his divorced friends. The counsellor explained to him that the number of nights has no bearing on the type of relationship that he could have with his children. She spelled it out by saying that many divorced parents who have equal time with their children have lousy relationships with them, and many who have only minimal access have wonderful relationships with them. It was about quality rather than quantity.
She also said that the situation would be different if he had ever lived with them.
Then she said that, in her opinion, based upon doing this job for 25 years, if he persisted with this court case his relationship with the boys would deteriorate dramatically. She said it was not necessarily fair, but that, because they had always lived with me and felt safe and secure with me, they would perceive his litigiousness as an attack upon me. DH said that that was because I was telling them that, and she emphasised that that was definitely not the case. She said that it was normal for boys to become their mothers' "White Knights". Even if that meant protecting her from their father.
She said that the one thing that we had both been doing right was not denigrating the other parent to the boys. She told him that the boys were aligned with me because I was the parent they wanted to live with, NOT because I had convinced them to say that to the court.
She said that both boys had told her about trying to tell DH that they didn't want to live with him, and about him telling them that they didn't know their own minds, and that they were being "manipulated" by me. She told him that that was detrimental to his relationship with them.
She then suggested that we meet with her again in order to draw up a Parenting Plan which would then be lodged with the court. She emphasised that, because of the boys’ ages, it would not really be enforceable, but that it would end the legal battle and would end the stress upon the boys.
Now, I agreed to this, and DH said yes, but he sounded insincere and I won’t believe it until I see it.
*sigh*
A lot of what was said was about DH and me resolving our differences and beginning a new co-parenting relationship for the sake of the kids.
I said that it would take more than a simple decision in order for that to happen.
I have too much anger. I don’t trust him.
He would need to offer to pay some or all of his debt to me. He would need to sincerely apologise to me. He would need to show me that he is trustworthy.
And he said that I would need to apologise to him for god knows’ what. Seriously. I don’t know what I need to apologise to him for. Oh, and that the debt would need to be wiped as he doesn't have the money to pay it and shouldn't have to go into bankruptcy.
Read the story of our breakup here, if you haven’t already.
He’s been the bastard for 11 years. I’ve reacted to him letting the boys down and lying to me, but I haven’t instigated nastiness or lied to him or cheated him or denied him access to his boys.
So, good luck to us on that one.
Of course I want it for the boys. And I said in that room that I would love to have a decent co-parenting relationship for the sake of the boys.
Maybe I’m not a big enough person. Maybe I’m too selfish. I know all of that stuff about how when you’re angry with someone else you’re only poisoning yourself.... but I am not a saint.
Enough. I’m totally knackered from re-living it for this post. There was heaps more. I may think of more later and edit.
In the meantime, the boys and I are going away for the weekend with a girlfriend of mine and her son, and we’re also taking my godson along. Should be lovely.
At no time were the 4 of use in the counselling room together... thank god. The counsellor obviously took one whiff of the tension between DH and me and realised that it would NOT be good for the kids.
So... I'll do my best to share what happened. There was a lot said though, and I was incredibly emotional, so I cannot remember everything.
I remember that the counsellor was not very warm or friendly. Sure, she needs to stay detached, but I felt that she was quite judgmental.
DH was trying to paint a picture of himself as a saint-like father who was fighting the “good fight” (against a wicked witch) to see more of his kids before they grow up. He said things like “I know that, as boys, they need their father more than their mother now and I want them to live with me so that they can have a proper relationship with me”. He said that I had always used the issue of money (unpaid child support) to keep him feeling guilty, which had led him to not being able to communicate with me, which led him to this legal action.
Every single thing he said was about blaming me.
At one point we flared up at each other. The counsellor was talking about the “open wound” of our separation 11 years ago as the primary cause of all of our problems. DH said something along the lines of “She made me leave her. She was depressed and pregnant and was impossible to live with. No man would have stayed in that situation” and I sat up in my chair, turned to face him, and, shaking and crying, said “No decent man would leave his pregnant wife and baby because she was suffering from AN ILLNESS!! And then SUE HER FOR MONEY! And then NOT PAY CHILD SUPPORT”. The counsellor was telling me that she heard him say that he was suffering enormous guilt from having left like that and I said that I could not hear any of that in the words that he was saying, and that if he felt guilt, why had he never fulfilled his financial and moral obligations in the following 11 years. And DH interrupted to say that HE did not sue me, his LAWYERS sued me. Apparently not his responsibility at all.
She said that I had equal responsibility in all of that because I could not forgive him.
*&*@%#^$%@%&#%%@&*#%#@*(#&^$#%
ARE YOU KIDDING ME?????
Not long after that, he and I were sent to wait (I went outside the building so that I would not have to sit in the waiting room with him) while she spoke to the boys. I was tearful and faint, and, knowing that every word said in that room is reportable to the Judicial Registrar (the judge) worried that I had blown it.
Two hours later, DH and I were back in her room. I was determined to be non-reactive this time.
She told us about her time with the boys, about her impressions of them. They were remarkably accurate.
She had said to the boys that if they had 3 wishes, what would they be?
Boo said “1. That my parents stop fighting. 2. That the court case ends. 3. That I have unlimited wishes” (that’s my boy!!)
Toto said “1. That the court case ends. 2. That my parents start talking. 3. That's all I want.”
And then she told us that both boys felt very strongly that they DID NOT WANT TO CHANGE THE CURRENT LIVING ARRANGEMENTS. And that she felt strongly that it would not be in the boys best interests to do so.
I burst into tears. Tears of relief. Tears of amazement that my boys had overcome their fear of DH’s reactions to their words in order to tell their truths.
She went on to tell DH that both boys loved him, but had major concerns about his anger. She said that there was a HUGE difference in our parenting styles, and that the boys felt unsafe with DH and safe with me. When asked what they did when they were angry with their mother, both boys answered “I’ve never been angry with my mother”. When asked what they did when they were angry with their father, Toto said “I hide and get anxious and have trouble breathing and cry”. Boo said “I play my games and refuse to talk to him”.
Both boys brought up the incident in the back lane last March, and the counsellor emphasised to DH how inappropriate his behaviour had been. He crapped on and tried to defend himself, but she shut him down and told him that he had to apologise to the boys about it. One year later, and he still hadn’t done that! Sheesh.
(I've just realised that I haven't ever written about that horrendous incident in the back lane last March. DH was furious with them for having telephoned me because they were terrified as he had left them alone for a long period of time. He lives in the red-light district of Sydney and they get very scared there. I had jumped into my car and driven over there... not to take them home but to stay with them until DH returned. He returned before I got there, and was FURIOUS with them! He told them that if they went home with me they may as well never return. He then put them out in the back lane (unlit and very scary) and closed his garage door. By the time I got there they were scared out of their wits and absolutely hysterical. I took them home, calming them down, telling them that their Dad really loved them and was just angry and would be feeling awful about having done what he did etc etc. He wasn't feeling awful. In fact, he rang up over an hour later still wanting to yell at them for not showing him respect.
It was after that event that the boys refused to stay overnight at DH's house for a couple of weeks. Apparently he left them alone there A LOT. And got that angry A LOT. They had had enough. A few weeks later I convinced them to stay over on the weekend nights that they were there... and that is what they have been doing ever since.)
The boys also said that when they were at DH’s, his flatmate was always there, and he always had friends over. They said that the only times that they were ever alone with him was when they were playing sport.... and even then he was yelling at them and correcting them. She suggested that he attend some sort of parenting programme to help him learn how to respond to their behaviour differently.
He kept defending himself, telling her that Boo was defiant and Toto was easily upset, and she asked me how I handled those aspects of their personalities. I told her that I treated them equally and consistently in terms of behavioral consequences and rewards, and therefore didn’t really see those behaviours at home. She seemed to doubt me, but I explained that I had done parenting courses early on, and had the ongoing support of a Child and Family Psychiatrist and had worked very hard on being consistent when it came to behavioral issues. The kids fought with each other, I got angry with them for procrastinating with chores etc, but nothing ever blew up into a drama. She believed me then.
DH kept referring to the number of nights that he had the boys to stay, and comparing his with his divorced friends. The counsellor explained to him that the number of nights has no bearing on the type of relationship that he could have with his children. She spelled it out by saying that many divorced parents who have equal time with their children have lousy relationships with them, and many who have only minimal access have wonderful relationships with them. It was about quality rather than quantity.
She also said that the situation would be different if he had ever lived with them.
Then she said that, in her opinion, based upon doing this job for 25 years, if he persisted with this court case his relationship with the boys would deteriorate dramatically. She said it was not necessarily fair, but that, because they had always lived with me and felt safe and secure with me, they would perceive his litigiousness as an attack upon me. DH said that that was because I was telling them that, and she emphasised that that was definitely not the case. She said that it was normal for boys to become their mothers' "White Knights". Even if that meant protecting her from their father.
She said that the one thing that we had both been doing right was not denigrating the other parent to the boys. She told him that the boys were aligned with me because I was the parent they wanted to live with, NOT because I had convinced them to say that to the court.
She said that both boys had told her about trying to tell DH that they didn't want to live with him, and about him telling them that they didn't know their own minds, and that they were being "manipulated" by me. She told him that that was detrimental to his relationship with them.
She then suggested that we meet with her again in order to draw up a Parenting Plan which would then be lodged with the court. She emphasised that, because of the boys’ ages, it would not really be enforceable, but that it would end the legal battle and would end the stress upon the boys.
Now, I agreed to this, and DH said yes, but he sounded insincere and I won’t believe it until I see it.
*sigh*
A lot of what was said was about DH and me resolving our differences and beginning a new co-parenting relationship for the sake of the kids.
I said that it would take more than a simple decision in order for that to happen.
I have too much anger. I don’t trust him.
He would need to offer to pay some or all of his debt to me. He would need to sincerely apologise to me. He would need to show me that he is trustworthy.
And he said that I would need to apologise to him for god knows’ what. Seriously. I don’t know what I need to apologise to him for. Oh, and that the debt would need to be wiped as he doesn't have the money to pay it and shouldn't have to go into bankruptcy.
Read the story of our breakup here, if you haven’t already.
He’s been the bastard for 11 years. I’ve reacted to him letting the boys down and lying to me, but I haven’t instigated nastiness or lied to him or cheated him or denied him access to his boys.
So, good luck to us on that one.
Of course I want it for the boys. And I said in that room that I would love to have a decent co-parenting relationship for the sake of the boys.
Maybe I’m not a big enough person. Maybe I’m too selfish. I know all of that stuff about how when you’re angry with someone else you’re only poisoning yourself.... but I am not a saint.
Enough. I’m totally knackered from re-living it for this post. There was heaps more. I may think of more later and edit.
In the meantime, the boys and I are going away for the weekend with a girlfriend of mine and her son, and we’re also taking my godson along. Should be lovely.
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
Stitches out...
I took Boo to the doctor this morning to get his stitches out.
I told him about the horrendous experience Boo had had getting them put in and asked him if it was possible that Boo was simply immune to local anaesthetics.
Apparently not.
Apparently there is a particular way of injecting them into the wound to ensure that it actually goes in. That way was NOT used by the emergency room doctor. In fact, when I was watching her injecting the anaesthetic into the wound I asked her about the huge amount of it pouring down his face. She told me that it wouldn't make a difference. Grrr.
And apparently you should wait a few minutes before stitching in order to allow the local anaesthetic to do its job. Our emergency room doctor barely paused.
Poor Boo. No wonder he was in such agony.
Our doctor also said that the tetanus shots that he received at the hospital were unnecessary.. and actually useless in this particular situation (he fell on wood... not rusty metal).
Ah well. The stitches are out. The wound looks fine.... healing nicely. Thanks for all your kind words and sympathy.
We've got court-ordered family counselling at the Family Court in the morning.
*Gulp*.
ALL of us. There. Together.
I told him about the horrendous experience Boo had had getting them put in and asked him if it was possible that Boo was simply immune to local anaesthetics.
Apparently not.
Apparently there is a particular way of injecting them into the wound to ensure that it actually goes in. That way was NOT used by the emergency room doctor. In fact, when I was watching her injecting the anaesthetic into the wound I asked her about the huge amount of it pouring down his face. She told me that it wouldn't make a difference. Grrr.
And apparently you should wait a few minutes before stitching in order to allow the local anaesthetic to do its job. Our emergency room doctor barely paused.
Poor Boo. No wonder he was in such agony.
Our doctor also said that the tetanus shots that he received at the hospital were unnecessary.. and actually useless in this particular situation (he fell on wood... not rusty metal).
Ah well. The stitches are out. The wound looks fine.... healing nicely. Thanks for all your kind words and sympathy.
We've got court-ordered family counselling at the Family Court in the morning.
*Gulp*.
ALL of us. There. Together.
Sunday, March 29, 2009
A sad, true and ultimately hopeful 6 minutes...
I found this very moving. I can only hope that this articulate young woman grows up and pursues a career in the UN. Or, at the very least, becomes a Prime Ministerial Speech Writer.
Saturday, March 28, 2009
The phone call every parent dreads.....
Boo's school telephoned me on Friday.
"Ummm, this is Boo's school. He has had an accident in the playground and we think he might need some stitches in his face. He's in great distress. Can you come immediately or should we call an ambulance?"
I swear I went into shock before I had even hung up the phone. I don't remember anything of my drive to the school, but I will never forget his blood-soaked face and shirt and his howling cries when I arrived there.
He had been playing BullRush and had been accidentaly tripped up by a friend. Unfortunately he fell, while moving at great speed, into a wooden seat. His top lip was split completely through and his knees were pretty banged up. Other than that, and the danger that he might have been unconscious for a few seconds after the fall, he was mainly in shock.
I'm not the best when it comes to my own children's blood. I am THE person you want to have around if it's YOUR child who's bleeding, but I'm a mass of jelly when it's my own flesh and blood's blood.
Boo was howling that he didn't want to go to the hospital and I was trying to focus on soothing him and not having a car accident and not passing out myself...
Somehow we made it to the local Emergency room.... which was so full that people were actually waiting outside. A nearby Emergency room had closed down due to a fire the night before and this one was therefore catering for both.
It took a couple of hours to be seen by a doctor, who immediately called for a Plastic Surgeon to consult as the split lip was so serious. Another 2 hours and the Plastics doc got there, only to disappear again after having told our doctor how to stitch it.
It was horrendous. I swear the local anaesthetic didn't work. Boo was in such agony during the stitching that the doctor was tempted to cut the number of stitches in order to stop his pain. It was unbearable to watch. In fact, I can't believe that I did watch it. He squeezed my hands so hard that they are still a bit achey today. He screamed. Literally screamed. And he's not usually scared of pain.
And then he had to have TWO horrible horrible tetanus shots.
And the only thing he wanted for his reward for bravery (I would have given him the world at this point)? Five spicy chicken wings from a local chicken shop for dinner. Sheesh.
And to sleep in my bed.
It's a DH weekend this weekend. But he wanted to stay with me last night. DH picked him up this morning under strict instructions that Boo is not to over-exert himself, swim, get the stitches wet etc.
Keep your fingers crossed.
Me? I'm still a bit shaky and upset. It's going to be a big scar (unless he lets me massage him with Vitamin A for months afterwards) and he'll never be able to grow a mo (no big loss, I guess)... but hopefully his lip shape will be normal and there will be no other consequences. It's more the horror of seeing my baby in agony, and being reminded of the vulnerability of all that we have. It could have been so much worse.
I'm taking it slow today.
"Ummm, this is Boo's school. He has had an accident in the playground and we think he might need some stitches in his face. He's in great distress. Can you come immediately or should we call an ambulance?"
I swear I went into shock before I had even hung up the phone. I don't remember anything of my drive to the school, but I will never forget his blood-soaked face and shirt and his howling cries when I arrived there.
He had been playing BullRush and had been accidentaly tripped up by a friend. Unfortunately he fell, while moving at great speed, into a wooden seat. His top lip was split completely through and his knees were pretty banged up. Other than that, and the danger that he might have been unconscious for a few seconds after the fall, he was mainly in shock.
I'm not the best when it comes to my own children's blood. I am THE person you want to have around if it's YOUR child who's bleeding, but I'm a mass of jelly when it's my own flesh and blood's blood.
Boo was howling that he didn't want to go to the hospital and I was trying to focus on soothing him and not having a car accident and not passing out myself...
Somehow we made it to the local Emergency room.... which was so full that people were actually waiting outside. A nearby Emergency room had closed down due to a fire the night before and this one was therefore catering for both.
It took a couple of hours to be seen by a doctor, who immediately called for a Plastic Surgeon to consult as the split lip was so serious. Another 2 hours and the Plastics doc got there, only to disappear again after having told our doctor how to stitch it.
It was horrendous. I swear the local anaesthetic didn't work. Boo was in such agony during the stitching that the doctor was tempted to cut the number of stitches in order to stop his pain. It was unbearable to watch. In fact, I can't believe that I did watch it. He squeezed my hands so hard that they are still a bit achey today. He screamed. Literally screamed. And he's not usually scared of pain.
And then he had to have TWO horrible horrible tetanus shots.
And the only thing he wanted for his reward for bravery (I would have given him the world at this point)? Five spicy chicken wings from a local chicken shop for dinner. Sheesh.
And to sleep in my bed.
It's a DH weekend this weekend. But he wanted to stay with me last night. DH picked him up this morning under strict instructions that Boo is not to over-exert himself, swim, get the stitches wet etc.
Keep your fingers crossed.
Me? I'm still a bit shaky and upset. It's going to be a big scar (unless he lets me massage him with Vitamin A for months afterwards) and he'll never be able to grow a mo (no big loss, I guess)... but hopefully his lip shape will be normal and there will be no other consequences. It's more the horror of seeing my baby in agony, and being reminded of the vulnerability of all that we have. It could have been so much worse.
I'm taking it slow today.
My Kafka-esque world...
*Sigh*
Well.... the Child Support Agency Change of Assessment decision was handed down last week. It was decided slightly in my favour. That is, the amount of Child Support was increased. But by such a minimal amount that I feel wronged by the process anyway.
Then the system kicked in.
The amount doesn't matter. They still "can't" force him to pay it. The debt will grow, BUT.... it can be removed by a judge.
And, according to the opinion of my Child Support Agency rep, it is likely to happen, with a debt of this size.
See.... apparently in this country the onus is on the payee parent to ensure that her children survive (obviously thriving doesn't matter) without the paying parent's support. And if she/he does, the judge says "You survived without receiving the child support and therefore you don't need it now" and removes the debt. Never mind quality of life. Never mind the severely reduced circumstances and opportunities of the mother and the increased wealth of the father.
And therefore the paying parent gets away scot-free.
And because DH's debt, through the Child Support Agency, is over $100,000 (which is not a huge amount over 10 years), and because my children and I aren't living on the streets, I've obviously managed without it.
It's insane.
Kafka couldn't have made this up.
Well.... the Child Support Agency Change of Assessment decision was handed down last week. It was decided slightly in my favour. That is, the amount of Child Support was increased. But by such a minimal amount that I feel wronged by the process anyway.
Then the system kicked in.
The amount doesn't matter. They still "can't" force him to pay it. The debt will grow, BUT.... it can be removed by a judge.
And, according to the opinion of my Child Support Agency rep, it is likely to happen, with a debt of this size.
See.... apparently in this country the onus is on the payee parent to ensure that her children survive (obviously thriving doesn't matter) without the paying parent's support. And if she/he does, the judge says "You survived without receiving the child support and therefore you don't need it now" and removes the debt. Never mind quality of life. Never mind the severely reduced circumstances and opportunities of the mother and the increased wealth of the father.
And therefore the paying parent gets away scot-free.
And because DH's debt, through the Child Support Agency, is over $100,000 (which is not a huge amount over 10 years), and because my children and I aren't living on the streets, I've obviously managed without it.
It's insane.
Kafka couldn't have made this up.
Sunday, March 22, 2009
Boy Heaven....
This weekend was spent at a great friends' farm.
We "grown ups" cooked, walked, talked, went into "town" for coffee and supplies, read our books.....
... while the boys played cricket, watched "The Life of Brian" (insert evil mummy laugh here) and *gulp* had their first driving lessons.
They were actually bloody good! See for yourself!...
We "grown ups" cooked, walked, talked, went into "town" for coffee and supplies, read our books.....
... while the boys played cricket, watched "The Life of Brian" (insert evil mummy laugh here) and *gulp* had their first driving lessons.
They were actually bloody good! See for yourself!...
FAMILY COURT RALLY & PETITION Sunday 3rd MAY 2009
I've taken this straight off a Facebook Group of the same name.
Please sign this petition even if you live outside of Australia. It's an issue which affects so many of our children and our government MUST do something about it....
The death of so many of our country's children at the hand of their parents have shocked us all.
But have they shocked Australian politicians enough to make them review and amend the way the Family Court of Australia deals with children where domestic violence or sexual abuse allegations are made?
We hope so.
We are organizing this petition and a rally to be held in every capital city in Australia.
PLEASE SIGN THE FOLLOWING PETITION
http://www.gopetition.com.au/petitions/family-court-of-australia-amendments.html
Parents (and their family) currently involved in FCA dispute will need to wear red hoods or scarves to disguise themselves so they can't be identified for legal reasons.
Red will signify the blood of Australian children being shed by FCA orders which force children to have access to, or shared care with parents who are violent or sexually abusive.
Please read the discussion forum to see what you can do, the latest updates on the organizing, and more information about the protest.
Importantly, please sign the petition and send it to your networks, personally asking them to pass it on. This is how we CAN make a difference.
We already have media interest and dozens of volunteers helping with this. Be part of an event that will help save children's lives.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This is an extract of a letter sent to the Attorney General's Dept recently. It was forwarded to me by Prof Freda Briggs.
You might find the list of incidents at the end of the extract, pretty amazing. I did.
"Since the reforms of 1996 and 2006, there is a palpable reluctance by the courts to reduce contact between parents and children, even when there is ample evidence that one parent has engaged in behaviours congruent with domestic violence or 'intimate terrorism' as described by the AIFS study where category C is ascribed to the most severe form of interpersonal violence. This is also in spite of The Family Law Act 1975, (Cth) s60B, (b) and (c). Justice Wall from the UK has stated that,
"I was concerned to read in a number of places in the files that reliance was placed on the proposition that it may be safe to order contact where domestic violence had been perpetrated on the mother, but not on the child. In my judgment it needs to be recalled that Drs Sturge and Glaser pointed out that domestic violence involved "a very serious and significant failure in parenting- failure to protect the child and failure to protect the child emotionally (and in some cases physically) - which meets the definition of child abuse. It is, in my view, high time that the Family Justice System abandoned any reliance on the proposition that a man can have a history of violence to the mother of his children but, nonetheless, be a good father."
"However, in Australia the reasoning seems to indicate that the judiciary continues to believe that a parent who has been physically violent to the other does not indicate that they are a danger to the children of the marriage. For example;
"However, on the father's own admission, he has acted in ways that would bear the description of "domestic violence". This includes putting his hands around the neck of the mother. It may be also that other conduct, though falling short of physical assault, but which was aggressive and angry, would also fit that description. He was probably controlling and dominant in the relationship with the mother. This might also fit the description of domestic violence. As well, he was a times physically domineering in applying physical discipline to [the 18 month old child], such as straddling her on the bed and holding her head or face to ensure her attention. All of these behaviours are indications of an approach to relationships and parenting, less than optimal, in times past. As well, it is clear enough that he has not been alert to crossing personal boundaries."
This father continues to have unsupervised contact with this child.
The causal factors between the dynamic of domestic violence, its range of indicators and the dangers this behaviour poses to the children of the marriage continue to be ignored by the judiciary, report writers, the legal practitioners and even the police department. This has resulted in the growing list of deaths of children from a family of origin where domestic violence can be ascribed as the feature of the breakdown in the relationship. Fears for the safety of children are ignored. Consider the following sample:
• 1996 - January 25: Peter May shot and killed his three children, Lisa eleven, Andrew eight, and Natalie seven during a contact visit. On the same day, he also killed his wife and her parents. May's history of domestic violence and links to the Men's Rights Agency was commonly known and reported,
• 1998 – October 23: After Ronald Jonkers lost custody of Aaron DeBaugy 5, Ashlee seventeen months and David seven, he poisoned them by carbon monoxide in their car on a contact visit in Perth,
• 1999 – August: WA four young children were gassed along with their father Mark Heath after a family court dispute,
• 2000 - Rhonda Bartley was shot dead by her ex-partner in Berri while attending a court ordered contact handover of their baby daughter,
• 2001 - September: Mikaylah Green eleven weeks, Taylah Pringle eleven months and Jackson Merrott six, were smothered by their father on a contact visit in Sydney,
• 2002- Ana Hardwick 35 is strangled by her former partner after the family court granted her custody of their eleven and eight year old children,
• 2004 – April 26: Jessie Dalton nineteen months and Patrick Dalton thirteen weeks were smothered by their separated father Jayson Dalton after a family court order to him to return the infants to their mother Dionne,
• 2005 – 4th September: Robert Farquharson killed his sons Jai ten, Tyler seven, and Bailey two, by driving them into a dam in Winchelsea, south-west of Melbourne on Fathers' Day contact visit,
• 2008 – May 9: The body of three year old Imran Zilic, was found after his father threw him down a mine on an access visit,
• 2008 – January 3: Christopher McEwen raped and then killed his daughter Rhiannon McEwen on Bribie Island on New Years Eve. The matter of the children's residency was before the Family Court in 2004 where the father was given residency of all three children. It is not known to this writer if it was by consent. However, this father was cleared by a psychiatrist to leave a Brisbane hospital's mental health unit just nine days before he allegedly raped and murdered his ten-year-old daughter. Queensland Health did not report the man – who had spent two weeks as an involuntary patient in the hospital's mental health unit – to the Department of Child Safety. Given this man's mental condition, the question is how in 2004 was it that he obtained sole custody of his four children aged between six and ten?
• 2009 – January 29: Arthur Freeman unbuckled Darcey from her seat in the family Toyota Land Cruiser on the West Gate Bridge about 9.15am and threw her over the edge and into the Yarra River 58m below. She died in hospital four hours later. The tragedy occurred one day after the Freemans had reached an agreement over access to Darcey and their two other children, Benjamin six, and Jackson two, following their separation in 2007. "
Please sign this petition even if you live outside of Australia. It's an issue which affects so many of our children and our government MUST do something about it....
The death of so many of our country's children at the hand of their parents have shocked us all.
But have they shocked Australian politicians enough to make them review and amend the way the Family Court of Australia deals with children where domestic violence or sexual abuse allegations are made?
We hope so.
We are organizing this petition and a rally to be held in every capital city in Australia.
PLEASE SIGN THE FOLLOWING PETITION
http://www.gopetition.com.
Parents (and their family) currently involved in FCA dispute will need to wear red hoods or scarves to disguise themselves so they can't be identified for legal reasons.
Red will signify the blood of Australian children being shed by FCA orders which force children to have access to, or shared care with parents who are violent or sexually abusive.
Please read the discussion forum to see what you can do, the latest updates on the organizing, and more information about the protest.
Importantly, please sign the petition and send it to your networks, personally asking them to pass it on. This is how we CAN make a difference.
We already have media interest and dozens of volunteers helping with this. Be part of an event that will help save children's lives.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This is an extract of a letter sent to the Attorney General's Dept recently. It was forwarded to me by Prof Freda Briggs.
You might find the list of incidents at the end of the extract, pretty amazing. I did.
"Since the reforms of 1996 and 2006, there is a palpable reluctance by the courts to reduce contact between parents and children, even when there is ample evidence that one parent has engaged in behaviours congruent with domestic violence or 'intimate terrorism' as described by the AIFS study where category C is ascribed to the most severe form of interpersonal violence. This is also in spite of The Family Law Act 1975, (Cth) s60B, (b) and (c). Justice Wall from the UK has stated that,
"I was concerned to read in a number of places in the files that reliance was placed on the proposition that it may be safe to order contact where domestic violence had been perpetrated on the mother, but not on the child. In my judgment it needs to be recalled that Drs Sturge and Glaser pointed out that domestic violence involved "a very serious and significant failure in parenting- failure to protect the child and failure to protect the child emotionally (and in some cases physically) - which meets the definition of child abuse. It is, in my view, high time that the Family Justice System abandoned any reliance on the proposition that a man can have a history of violence to the mother of his children but, nonetheless, be a good father."
"However, in Australia the reasoning seems to indicate that the judiciary continues to believe that a parent who has been physically violent to the other does not indicate that they are a danger to the children of the marriage. For example;
"However, on the father's own admission, he has acted in ways that would bear the description of "domestic violence". This includes putting his hands around the neck of the mother. It may be also that other conduct, though falling short of physical assault, but which was aggressive and angry, would also fit that description. He was probably controlling and dominant in the relationship with the mother. This might also fit the description of domestic violence. As well, he was a times physically domineering in applying physical discipline to [the 18 month old child], such as straddling her on the bed and holding her head or face to ensure her attention. All of these behaviours are indications of an approach to relationships and parenting, less than optimal, in times past. As well, it is clear enough that he has not been alert to crossing personal boundaries."
This father continues to have unsupervised contact with this child.
The causal factors between the dynamic of domestic violence, its range of indicators and the dangers this behaviour poses to the children of the marriage continue to be ignored by the judiciary, report writers, the legal practitioners and even the police department. This has resulted in the growing list of deaths of children from a family of origin where domestic violence can be ascribed as the feature of the breakdown in the relationship. Fears for the safety of children are ignored. Consider the following sample:
• 1996 - January 25: Peter May shot and killed his three children, Lisa eleven, Andrew eight, and Natalie seven during a contact visit. On the same day, he also killed his wife and her parents. May's history of domestic violence and links to the Men's Rights Agency was commonly known and reported,
• 1998 – October 23: After Ronald Jonkers lost custody of Aaron DeBaugy 5, Ashlee seventeen months and David seven, he poisoned them by carbon monoxide in their car on a contact visit in Perth,
• 1999 – August: WA four young children were gassed along with their father Mark Heath after a family court dispute,
• 2000 - Rhonda Bartley was shot dead by her ex-partner in Berri while attending a court ordered contact handover of their baby daughter,
• 2001 - September: Mikaylah Green eleven weeks, Taylah Pringle eleven months and Jackson Merrott six, were smothered by their father on a contact visit in Sydney,
• 2002- Ana Hardwick 35 is strangled by her former partner after the family court granted her custody of their eleven and eight year old children,
• 2004 – April 26: Jessie Dalton nineteen months and Patrick Dalton thirteen weeks were smothered by their separated father Jayson Dalton after a family court order to him to return the infants to their mother Dionne,
• 2005 – 4th September: Robert Farquharson killed his sons Jai ten, Tyler seven, and Bailey two, by driving them into a dam in Winchelsea, south-west of Melbourne on Fathers' Day contact visit,
• 2008 – May 9: The body of three year old Imran Zilic, was found after his father threw him down a mine on an access visit,
• 2008 – January 3: Christopher McEwen raped and then killed his daughter Rhiannon McEwen on Bribie Island on New Years Eve. The matter of the children's residency was before the Family Court in 2004 where the father was given residency of all three children. It is not known to this writer if it was by consent. However, this father was cleared by a psychiatrist to leave a Brisbane hospital's mental health unit just nine days before he allegedly raped and murdered his ten-year-old daughter. Queensland Health did not report the man – who had spent two weeks as an involuntary patient in the hospital's mental health unit – to the Department of Child Safety. Given this man's mental condition, the question is how in 2004 was it that he obtained sole custody of his four children aged between six and ten?
• 2009 – January 29: Arthur Freeman unbuckled Darcey from her seat in the family Toyota Land Cruiser on the West Gate Bridge about 9.15am and threw her over the edge and into the Yarra River 58m below. She died in hospital four hours later. The tragedy occurred one day after the Freemans had reached an agreement over access to Darcey and their two other children, Benjamin six, and Jackson two, following their separation in 2007. "
Friday, March 13, 2009
I feel like a new woman....
I've just been to the hairdresser! First time in 8 months (I was going to name this post "Eight Months Between Roots" but I wasn't sure that my non-Australian friends would understand the humour in that one).
3 hours of having foils put in, taken out, my hair washed, a treatment and a head massage, and I truly do feel amazingly different. No wonder some women do this every month!
Toto came home after school to do an assignment, as he feels that he can't do it at DH's house. He says that DH doesn't help him with his homework when he's stuck, and gives him a set time limit in which to complete it. If he doesn't manage it all in that time, DH gets angry and tells him that he has to take the consequences at school.
Boo organised a playdate across the road so that he would be here when DH came to collect them both at 6pm.
So, now they're both gone and I'm facing a weekend of selfishness. I've got two books lined up that I've been longing to read... and a list of movies that I'd love to see. And other than that... I plan to sleep. Next week is going to be huge. Family Court ordered counselling on Monday and a couple of big jobs during the week.
Can you tell that I'm feeling enormously better?
3 hours of having foils put in, taken out, my hair washed, a treatment and a head massage, and I truly do feel amazingly different. No wonder some women do this every month!
Toto came home after school to do an assignment, as he feels that he can't do it at DH's house. He says that DH doesn't help him with his homework when he's stuck, and gives him a set time limit in which to complete it. If he doesn't manage it all in that time, DH gets angry and tells him that he has to take the consequences at school.
Boo organised a playdate across the road so that he would be here when DH came to collect them both at 6pm.
So, now they're both gone and I'm facing a weekend of selfishness. I've got two books lined up that I've been longing to read... and a list of movies that I'd love to see. And other than that... I plan to sleep. Next week is going to be huge. Family Court ordered counselling on Monday and a couple of big jobs during the week.
Can you tell that I'm feeling enormously better?
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Oooooh I'm cross.....
I mentioned in my last post that I've had quite a bit of work over the past couple of weeks. Amongst that was a lot of preparative work for a collaboration with someone else for ongoing seminars. Meetings have been held, websites have been created, rooms booked and p.r. companies have been hired. Hours of creative mind-melding work (challenging at the moment) have been wrung out of my exhausted brain.
And today we had a meeting.
I've been a little bit protective of my "product" as I have no way of legally protecting the content that makes me "stand out above the crowd". But today's meeting was about discussing specific content and examples. And I gave those freely.
And at the end of the meeting, I was told that an ex-co-worker of his had recently returned from London and would possibly therefore be presenting the first couple of seminars with him. I could still, of course, pass on to my clients the marketing information as the seminar will be so incredibly useful to them.
I was speechless.
No amount of "of course we may still use you for other ones in the future" could bring my chin up off the floor.
I feel violated. And SO pissed off because I had allowed myself to count on the income to get me out of the mess I'm in.
And I have no one to blame but myself.
And today we had a meeting.
I've been a little bit protective of my "product" as I have no way of legally protecting the content that makes me "stand out above the crowd". But today's meeting was about discussing specific content and examples. And I gave those freely.
And at the end of the meeting, I was told that an ex-co-worker of his had recently returned from London and would possibly therefore be presenting the first couple of seminars with him. I could still, of course, pass on to my clients the marketing information as the seminar will be so incredibly useful to them.
I was speechless.
No amount of "of course we may still use you for other ones in the future" could bring my chin up off the floor.
I feel violated. And SO pissed off because I had allowed myself to count on the income to get me out of the mess I'm in.
And I have no one to blame but myself.
Saturday, March 7, 2009
I don't want to jinx anything.... but.....
... apart from spending yesterday crying for absolutely no reason... I'm feeling a bit better.
It's amazing how light things seem when the darkness begins to lift. Every single action, every obligation, every otherwise enjoyable event has seemed like an insurmountable challenge. I've enjoyed things during this time... but the effort to get to things, or prepare for things has worn me out. And I've needed recovery time. Lots.
One of the most noticeable things for me was my loss of confidence. I decided that my photography skills were shockingly pathetic, my Photoshop skills even more so, and that I was kidding myself if I thought that I could write a sentence worth publishing on a world-wide forum. I'm still feeling pretty shaky about those three things, but I'm reminding myself that I'm not doing this for any reason other than my own desire to connect with other wonderful like-minded bloggers. And that they you are not judging me.
I've also been working quite a lot over the last few weeks... minus my normally wonderful confidence. It has been totally exhausting, sometimes uncomfortable and, had I not known that this was not my "normal" state of operating, I would have been thrown into a turmoil about my professional skills and abilities.
And, of course, the legal crap continues. Painfully slowly. Inchingly, revoltingly slowly. DH and I have had one of the arbitrations cancelled. It was quite hilarious actually. Hmmm. We had a Social Security Appeals Tribunal pre-arbitration phone conference regarding DH's objection to a decision by the Child Support Agency that went in my favour. His objection was completely irrelevant to the actual decision and it didn't take long for the SSAT representative to point that out to DH. He dismissed the Appeal that same day. One thing that did come out of the phone call was that DH has lodged another case against me in the Family Court. One that I have not been notified about yet. Something else to look forward to.
That same afternoon Toto had a "Meet The Teachers" bbq at his school. Which meant that I had to see, and even talk to, DH. I didn't stop shaking for about 12 hours from the effort required to maintain an even keel. My darling Toto said "Mum, I'm really proud of you... You're doing such a good job of being nice to Dad" which of course kept me seemingly calm and focussed.
This was one of the highlights of the past couple of weeks... actually it was two of the highlights as we were lucky enough to be able to meet up twice....
So.... hopefully the skies will stay brighter in my perspective for a while. I know that I am not broken. I simply have too much stress in my life right now and will need to manage my time and resources better to avoid this kind of extended darkness.
The tears that continue to roll are more about what my boys are feeling. I stole a look at Toto's English book at school the other day. Under the heading "My Family" he wrote about his divorced parents both wanting him to live with them. And he wrote "but I prefer to live with my Mum". I hadn't realised how much I needed to see those words. To know that, despite their adamant spoken words to me, they weren't just telling me what they thought I wanted to hear.
This is the only photograph that I've taken over the past month or so that I actually really like. Boo is concentrating on his Nintendo DS... lying next to me on my bed... with the strong western sunlight mottled by the blind. They're growing so quickly at the moment and I'm trying to capture those childish expressions that will soon disappear. Not so easy as they've both suddenly become quite camera shy. Bugger.
It's amazing how light things seem when the darkness begins to lift. Every single action, every obligation, every otherwise enjoyable event has seemed like an insurmountable challenge. I've enjoyed things during this time... but the effort to get to things, or prepare for things has worn me out. And I've needed recovery time. Lots.
One of the most noticeable things for me was my loss of confidence. I decided that my photography skills were shockingly pathetic, my Photoshop skills even more so, and that I was kidding myself if I thought that I could write a sentence worth publishing on a world-wide forum. I'm still feeling pretty shaky about those three things, but I'm reminding myself that I'm not doing this for any reason other than my own desire to connect with other wonderful like-minded bloggers. And that they you are not judging me.
I've also been working quite a lot over the last few weeks... minus my normally wonderful confidence. It has been totally exhausting, sometimes uncomfortable and, had I not known that this was not my "normal" state of operating, I would have been thrown into a turmoil about my professional skills and abilities.
And, of course, the legal crap continues. Painfully slowly. Inchingly, revoltingly slowly. DH and I have had one of the arbitrations cancelled. It was quite hilarious actually. Hmmm. We had a Social Security Appeals Tribunal pre-arbitration phone conference regarding DH's objection to a decision by the Child Support Agency that went in my favour. His objection was completely irrelevant to the actual decision and it didn't take long for the SSAT representative to point that out to DH. He dismissed the Appeal that same day. One thing that did come out of the phone call was that DH has lodged another case against me in the Family Court. One that I have not been notified about yet. Something else to look forward to.
That same afternoon Toto had a "Meet The Teachers" bbq at his school. Which meant that I had to see, and even talk to, DH. I didn't stop shaking for about 12 hours from the effort required to maintain an even keel. My darling Toto said "Mum, I'm really proud of you... You're doing such a good job of being nice to Dad" which of course kept me seemingly calm and focussed.
This was one of the highlights of the past couple of weeks... actually it was two of the highlights as we were lucky enough to be able to meet up twice....
So.... hopefully the skies will stay brighter in my perspective for a while. I know that I am not broken. I simply have too much stress in my life right now and will need to manage my time and resources better to avoid this kind of extended darkness.
The tears that continue to roll are more about what my boys are feeling. I stole a look at Toto's English book at school the other day. Under the heading "My Family" he wrote about his divorced parents both wanting him to live with them. And he wrote "but I prefer to live with my Mum". I hadn't realised how much I needed to see those words. To know that, despite their adamant spoken words to me, they weren't just telling me what they thought I wanted to hear.
This is the only photograph that I've taken over the past month or so that I actually really like. Boo is concentrating on his Nintendo DS... lying next to me on my bed... with the strong western sunlight mottled by the blind. They're growing so quickly at the moment and I'm trying to capture those childish expressions that will soon disappear. Not so easy as they've both suddenly become quite camera shy. Bugger.
Saturday, February 28, 2009
The Girl Who IS Australian...
It's been another week between posts. A fact that both shocks me and doesn't surprise me at all, in equal proportions.
It's been a week filled with more nastiness from DH (I probably should explain every now and then for my newer friends that DH does NOT stand for Dear Husband here on my blog. It stands for Dick Head. My ex-husband. Sorry to be so blunt. But there you have it.) and more downtimes for me.
But there have been some bright spots too and all in all I can feel my spirit lifting. God knows I've been trying.
On Thursday night we had Dina (and her husband Tim and son Jack) from The Girl Who Wished She Was Australian over for dinner. We'd organised this before she left Texas for her Australian holiday, and I wasn't going to let a little bout of depression stop me from meeting her. I will, however, admit to feeling more than my usual sense of anxiety prior to meeting a bloggy friend for the very first time.
We had a fantastic evening. All that wasted anxiety!! It was as though we'd known each other for years. Really. We were laughing at the most ridiculous things within about an hour.... a real indication of true simpatico in my books. We played Trivial Pursuit, ate large amounts of food and became good friends. All in the space of a few hours. (photos soon... I promise).
It was so good, in fact, that we're doing it again next week.
And I feel up to it. A true leap forward from the way I've been feeling these last few weeks.
So many of you have emailed me "just checking in". THANK YOU. Thank you. Thank you.
It's been a week filled with more nastiness from DH (I probably should explain every now and then for my newer friends that DH does NOT stand for Dear Husband here on my blog. It stands for Dick Head. My ex-husband. Sorry to be so blunt. But there you have it.) and more downtimes for me.
But there have been some bright spots too and all in all I can feel my spirit lifting. God knows I've been trying.
On Thursday night we had Dina (and her husband Tim and son Jack) from The Girl Who Wished She Was Australian over for dinner. We'd organised this before she left Texas for her Australian holiday, and I wasn't going to let a little bout of depression stop me from meeting her. I will, however, admit to feeling more than my usual sense of anxiety prior to meeting a bloggy friend for the very first time.
We had a fantastic evening. All that wasted anxiety!! It was as though we'd known each other for years. Really. We were laughing at the most ridiculous things within about an hour.... a real indication of true simpatico in my books. We played Trivial Pursuit, ate large amounts of food and became good friends. All in the space of a few hours. (photos soon... I promise).
It was so good, in fact, that we're doing it again next week.
And I feel up to it. A true leap forward from the way I've been feeling these last few weeks.
So many of you have emailed me "just checking in". THANK YOU. Thank you. Thank you.
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