... but I'm going to share it anyway.
Two weeks ago I had a long overdue mammogram. I had been putting it off half subconsciously and half self-destructively in my haze of depression induced feelings of self-worthlessness.
You see, I have had a weird kind of lump on my nipple, which, even though my GP has told me looked pretty harmless, has had me worried. I've also had some mysterious pains in my armpit.
Don't yell at me for putting off getting myself checked out. I'm not strong enough to take it.
I went through this for the first time nearly 8 years ago. On September 11 2001, to be precise. And I received a diagnosis of breast cancer. I was one of the lucky ones. My cancer was removed by surgery and I had "clean margins" which meant that I was able to get away without having radiotherapy and chemotherapy. It was a risk (not having further treatment) that I was willing to take at that time as my boys were 3 and 4 years old and I was living on my own with them. I simply couldn't have managed.
An hour or so ago, I telephoned for the results of my mammogram and was immediately put through to a counsellor. She told me that they want me to return for further tests as soon as possible. Tomorrow, to be precise.
This does NOT mean that I definitely have a recurrence of my breast cancer. 9 out of 10 women who are recalled for further tests after a mammogram end up with a clean bill of health.
This DOES mean, however, that I am thrown back into the feelings of fear and anxiety and sadness.
This also means that I am thinking of all my dear dear friends who, after years of NED (No Evidence of Disease) had a recurrence from which they didn't recover.
I'm scared.
And although I know that there is a large chance that I have nothing to fear, I wish that I didn't have to go through this at all. And I pray that I'm strong enough to protect my children from picking up on my sadness and fear.
As I said in the heading, this may only be 24 hours of awful, but I'm putting it out there because I need your collective strength. There's just too much going on for me right now. I feel overwhelmed. I need to feel a part of something bigger than the turmoil that is my life.
Showing posts with label depression. Show all posts
Showing posts with label depression. Show all posts
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
Friday, March 13, 2009
I feel like a new woman....
I've just been to the hairdresser! First time in 8 months (I was going to name this post "Eight Months Between Roots" but I wasn't sure that my non-Australian friends would understand the humour in that one).
3 hours of having foils put in, taken out, my hair washed, a treatment and a head massage, and I truly do feel amazingly different. No wonder some women do this every month!
Toto came home after school to do an assignment, as he feels that he can't do it at DH's house. He says that DH doesn't help him with his homework when he's stuck, and gives him a set time limit in which to complete it. If he doesn't manage it all in that time, DH gets angry and tells him that he has to take the consequences at school.
Boo organised a playdate across the road so that he would be here when DH came to collect them both at 6pm.
So, now they're both gone and I'm facing a weekend of selfishness. I've got two books lined up that I've been longing to read... and a list of movies that I'd love to see. And other than that... I plan to sleep. Next week is going to be huge. Family Court ordered counselling on Monday and a couple of big jobs during the week.
Can you tell that I'm feeling enormously better?
3 hours of having foils put in, taken out, my hair washed, a treatment and a head massage, and I truly do feel amazingly different. No wonder some women do this every month!
Toto came home after school to do an assignment, as he feels that he can't do it at DH's house. He says that DH doesn't help him with his homework when he's stuck, and gives him a set time limit in which to complete it. If he doesn't manage it all in that time, DH gets angry and tells him that he has to take the consequences at school.
Boo organised a playdate across the road so that he would be here when DH came to collect them both at 6pm.
So, now they're both gone and I'm facing a weekend of selfishness. I've got two books lined up that I've been longing to read... and a list of movies that I'd love to see. And other than that... I plan to sleep. Next week is going to be huge. Family Court ordered counselling on Monday and a couple of big jobs during the week.
Can you tell that I'm feeling enormously better?
Saturday, March 7, 2009
I don't want to jinx anything.... but.....
... apart from spending yesterday crying for absolutely no reason... I'm feeling a bit better.
It's amazing how light things seem when the darkness begins to lift. Every single action, every obligation, every otherwise enjoyable event has seemed like an insurmountable challenge. I've enjoyed things during this time... but the effort to get to things, or prepare for things has worn me out. And I've needed recovery time. Lots.
One of the most noticeable things for me was my loss of confidence. I decided that my photography skills were shockingly pathetic, my Photoshop skills even more so, and that I was kidding myself if I thought that I could write a sentence worth publishing on a world-wide forum. I'm still feeling pretty shaky about those three things, but I'm reminding myself that I'm not doing this for any reason other than my own desire to connect with other wonderful like-minded bloggers. And that they you are not judging me.
I've also been working quite a lot over the last few weeks... minus my normally wonderful confidence. It has been totally exhausting, sometimes uncomfortable and, had I not known that this was not my "normal" state of operating, I would have been thrown into a turmoil about my professional skills and abilities.
And, of course, the legal crap continues. Painfully slowly. Inchingly, revoltingly slowly. DH and I have had one of the arbitrations cancelled. It was quite hilarious actually. Hmmm. We had a Social Security Appeals Tribunal pre-arbitration phone conference regarding DH's objection to a decision by the Child Support Agency that went in my favour. His objection was completely irrelevant to the actual decision and it didn't take long for the SSAT representative to point that out to DH. He dismissed the Appeal that same day. One thing that did come out of the phone call was that DH has lodged another case against me in the Family Court. One that I have not been notified about yet. Something else to look forward to.
That same afternoon Toto had a "Meet The Teachers" bbq at his school. Which meant that I had to see, and even talk to, DH. I didn't stop shaking for about 12 hours from the effort required to maintain an even keel. My darling Toto said "Mum, I'm really proud of you... You're doing such a good job of being nice to Dad" which of course kept me seemingly calm and focussed.
This was one of the highlights of the past couple of weeks... actually it was two of the highlights as we were lucky enough to be able to meet up twice....
So.... hopefully the skies will stay brighter in my perspective for a while. I know that I am not broken. I simply have too much stress in my life right now and will need to manage my time and resources better to avoid this kind of extended darkness.
The tears that continue to roll are more about what my boys are feeling. I stole a look at Toto's English book at school the other day. Under the heading "My Family" he wrote about his divorced parents both wanting him to live with them. And he wrote "but I prefer to live with my Mum". I hadn't realised how much I needed to see those words. To know that, despite their adamant spoken words to me, they weren't just telling me what they thought I wanted to hear.
This is the only photograph that I've taken over the past month or so that I actually really like. Boo is concentrating on his Nintendo DS... lying next to me on my bed... with the strong western sunlight mottled by the blind. They're growing so quickly at the moment and I'm trying to capture those childish expressions that will soon disappear. Not so easy as they've both suddenly become quite camera shy. Bugger.
It's amazing how light things seem when the darkness begins to lift. Every single action, every obligation, every otherwise enjoyable event has seemed like an insurmountable challenge. I've enjoyed things during this time... but the effort to get to things, or prepare for things has worn me out. And I've needed recovery time. Lots.
One of the most noticeable things for me was my loss of confidence. I decided that my photography skills were shockingly pathetic, my Photoshop skills even more so, and that I was kidding myself if I thought that I could write a sentence worth publishing on a world-wide forum. I'm still feeling pretty shaky about those three things, but I'm reminding myself that I'm not doing this for any reason other than my own desire to connect with other wonderful like-minded bloggers. And that they you are not judging me.
I've also been working quite a lot over the last few weeks... minus my normally wonderful confidence. It has been totally exhausting, sometimes uncomfortable and, had I not known that this was not my "normal" state of operating, I would have been thrown into a turmoil about my professional skills and abilities.
And, of course, the legal crap continues. Painfully slowly. Inchingly, revoltingly slowly. DH and I have had one of the arbitrations cancelled. It was quite hilarious actually. Hmmm. We had a Social Security Appeals Tribunal pre-arbitration phone conference regarding DH's objection to a decision by the Child Support Agency that went in my favour. His objection was completely irrelevant to the actual decision and it didn't take long for the SSAT representative to point that out to DH. He dismissed the Appeal that same day. One thing that did come out of the phone call was that DH has lodged another case against me in the Family Court. One that I have not been notified about yet. Something else to look forward to.
That same afternoon Toto had a "Meet The Teachers" bbq at his school. Which meant that I had to see, and even talk to, DH. I didn't stop shaking for about 12 hours from the effort required to maintain an even keel. My darling Toto said "Mum, I'm really proud of you... You're doing such a good job of being nice to Dad" which of course kept me seemingly calm and focussed.
This was one of the highlights of the past couple of weeks... actually it was two of the highlights as we were lucky enough to be able to meet up twice....
So.... hopefully the skies will stay brighter in my perspective for a while. I know that I am not broken. I simply have too much stress in my life right now and will need to manage my time and resources better to avoid this kind of extended darkness.
The tears that continue to roll are more about what my boys are feeling. I stole a look at Toto's English book at school the other day. Under the heading "My Family" he wrote about his divorced parents both wanting him to live with them. And he wrote "but I prefer to live with my Mum". I hadn't realised how much I needed to see those words. To know that, despite their adamant spoken words to me, they weren't just telling me what they thought I wanted to hear.
This is the only photograph that I've taken over the past month or so that I actually really like. Boo is concentrating on his Nintendo DS... lying next to me on my bed... with the strong western sunlight mottled by the blind. They're growing so quickly at the moment and I'm trying to capture those childish expressions that will soon disappear. Not so easy as they've both suddenly become quite camera shy. Bugger.
Saturday, February 28, 2009
The Girl Who IS Australian...
It's been another week between posts. A fact that both shocks me and doesn't surprise me at all, in equal proportions.
It's been a week filled with more nastiness from DH (I probably should explain every now and then for my newer friends that DH does NOT stand for Dear Husband here on my blog. It stands for Dick Head. My ex-husband. Sorry to be so blunt. But there you have it.) and more downtimes for me.
But there have been some bright spots too and all in all I can feel my spirit lifting. God knows I've been trying.
On Thursday night we had Dina (and her husband Tim and son Jack) from The Girl Who Wished She Was Australian over for dinner. We'd organised this before she left Texas for her Australian holiday, and I wasn't going to let a little bout of depression stop me from meeting her. I will, however, admit to feeling more than my usual sense of anxiety prior to meeting a bloggy friend for the very first time.
We had a fantastic evening. All that wasted anxiety!! It was as though we'd known each other for years. Really. We were laughing at the most ridiculous things within about an hour.... a real indication of true simpatico in my books. We played Trivial Pursuit, ate large amounts of food and became good friends. All in the space of a few hours. (photos soon... I promise).
It was so good, in fact, that we're doing it again next week.
And I feel up to it. A true leap forward from the way I've been feeling these last few weeks.
So many of you have emailed me "just checking in". THANK YOU. Thank you. Thank you.
It's been a week filled with more nastiness from DH (I probably should explain every now and then for my newer friends that DH does NOT stand for Dear Husband here on my blog. It stands for Dick Head. My ex-husband. Sorry to be so blunt. But there you have it.) and more downtimes for me.
But there have been some bright spots too and all in all I can feel my spirit lifting. God knows I've been trying.
On Thursday night we had Dina (and her husband Tim and son Jack) from The Girl Who Wished She Was Australian over for dinner. We'd organised this before she left Texas for her Australian holiday, and I wasn't going to let a little bout of depression stop me from meeting her. I will, however, admit to feeling more than my usual sense of anxiety prior to meeting a bloggy friend for the very first time.
We had a fantastic evening. All that wasted anxiety!! It was as though we'd known each other for years. Really. We were laughing at the most ridiculous things within about an hour.... a real indication of true simpatico in my books. We played Trivial Pursuit, ate large amounts of food and became good friends. All in the space of a few hours. (photos soon... I promise).
It was so good, in fact, that we're doing it again next week.
And I feel up to it. A true leap forward from the way I've been feeling these last few weeks.
So many of you have emailed me "just checking in". THANK YOU. Thank you. Thank you.
Saturday, February 21, 2009
Darkness....
I’m still in a dark dark place... and the energy required to do the things that I HAVE to do leaves me totally and utterly depleted. But I’m still here... and I draw strength and a feeling of connection by reading all my fave bloggy-friends’ posts.
My friend is back in the hospital. In fact, since I last wrote about her, she’s been in and out three times. You can only imagine how awful this has been. I remain optimistic about her long term recovery, however, and this helps me keep in touch with the sliver of hope that my own “funk” will ease soon.
DH has been overstepping his boundaries with the boys. He telephones them every day and night, and yesterday he actually picked them up from school and took them for a “play” WITHOUT TELLING ME. He’s doing this to try to prove to a registrar that he is a great Dad, and to try to make up to the boys for years of not giving a shit, but you don’t do that to a mother who is worried sick because her 10 year old son is 15 minutes late home from school. My brain is imploding because apparently if a mother does this she is “clingy” and “invasive” but if a father does this he is “caring” and “enthusiastic”.
And of course Toto and Boo are trying to look after me emotionally. I try SO hard to hide this stuff from them.... SO hard. But it’s impossible to hide the puffy eyes from crying all day, or the burnt dinner from forgetting that I was cooking at all, or the anger with their father for bringing them home with homework undone and school clothes unwashed, and for interrupting our time together every day.
Mainly it’s just the fact that I cry at the drop of a pin.
This is so not good at this point in the legal proceedings. It’s such a catch-22. If it wasn’t for the legal stuff I wouldn’t BE in this depressive episode. And that’s where my brain catches fire and starts melting and my tear ducts develop a mind of their own.
Still, the boys seem to be okay. Boo laughed at me the other day when I was trying to say something positive about DH. He laughed in a comfortable way... and said “Mum, I know you’re trying to make us feel better, but you don’t have to lie”. It’s so tempting to say “Phew! Okay! Thanks babe..... let’s talk about what a total dish-rag he is!” but no.... I said “I’m not lying darling. ALL parents argue sometimes. Daddy and I don’t agree on what’s best for you at the moment, that’s all.” vomit.puke.bullsh*t.
My friend is back in the hospital. In fact, since I last wrote about her, she’s been in and out three times. You can only imagine how awful this has been. I remain optimistic about her long term recovery, however, and this helps me keep in touch with the sliver of hope that my own “funk” will ease soon.
DH has been overstepping his boundaries with the boys. He telephones them every day and night, and yesterday he actually picked them up from school and took them for a “play” WITHOUT TELLING ME. He’s doing this to try to prove to a registrar that he is a great Dad, and to try to make up to the boys for years of not giving a shit, but you don’t do that to a mother who is worried sick because her 10 year old son is 15 minutes late home from school. My brain is imploding because apparently if a mother does this she is “clingy” and “invasive” but if a father does this he is “caring” and “enthusiastic”.
And of course Toto and Boo are trying to look after me emotionally. I try SO hard to hide this stuff from them.... SO hard. But it’s impossible to hide the puffy eyes from crying all day, or the burnt dinner from forgetting that I was cooking at all, or the anger with their father for bringing them home with homework undone and school clothes unwashed, and for interrupting our time together every day.
Mainly it’s just the fact that I cry at the drop of a pin.
This is so not good at this point in the legal proceedings. It’s such a catch-22. If it wasn’t for the legal stuff I wouldn’t BE in this depressive episode. And that’s where my brain catches fire and starts melting and my tear ducts develop a mind of their own.
Still, the boys seem to be okay. Boo laughed at me the other day when I was trying to say something positive about DH. He laughed in a comfortable way... and said “Mum, I know you’re trying to make us feel better, but you don’t have to lie”. It’s so tempting to say “Phew! Okay! Thanks babe..... let’s talk about what a total dish-rag he is!” but no.... I said “I’m not lying darling. ALL parents argue sometimes. Daddy and I don’t agree on what’s best for you at the moment, that’s all.” vomit.puke.bullsh*t.
Thursday, February 12, 2009
Agitation...
Wednesday, although my darling Toto's birthday, was a terribly uncomfortable day for me. The helplessness of knowing that I had already contributed the very most that I could financially and that the Australian Red Cross will not accept my blood (lived in the UK during the Mad Cow outbreak) was leaving me unsettled and agitated.
And so I did some research and discovered that, although right now all local storage facilities for clothing donations for the victims of the Victorian Bushfires are filled to capacity, they will soon be desperate for more. I spent hours going through my cupboards and drawers.... removing every single item of clothing that I haven't worn in the last year.... and ended up with 5 garbage bags full of pretty good clothes. In many varied sizes.
I've added sheets, blankets and kitchen utensils, and will be giving them to the Salvation Army this week.
Still... I wish there was more that I could do to help.
I can't watch the news. I can't read the newpapers.
You see... I'm feeling very depressed. And the fact that there are so many people SO much worse off than me just makes me feel even more depressed. Because it makes me feel guilty for feeling so depressed. I feel as though I "should" be able to cope with my lot when all of those people have to cope with SO MUCH MORE. When, of course, this is not about choice at all.
This is one of those things that can be difficult to explain to someone who hasn't suffered from depression. And you'd probably be too kind to say it to my face, or to leave it in a comment, but I'm sure that the thoughts "Be strong! You'll get through it! You've got a roof over your head! You've got your boys!" have flickered through at least one of your minds. Well, I promise you that those are the thoughts that are constantly in my mind as I struggle to get out of bed, to wash, to function, to stop crying for more than a few minutes at a time.
On a good note, my friend is home from the hospital.... and doing well.
And so I did some research and discovered that, although right now all local storage facilities for clothing donations for the victims of the Victorian Bushfires are filled to capacity, they will soon be desperate for more. I spent hours going through my cupboards and drawers.... removing every single item of clothing that I haven't worn in the last year.... and ended up with 5 garbage bags full of pretty good clothes. In many varied sizes.
I've added sheets, blankets and kitchen utensils, and will be giving them to the Salvation Army this week.
Still... I wish there was more that I could do to help.
I can't watch the news. I can't read the newpapers.
You see... I'm feeling very depressed. And the fact that there are so many people SO much worse off than me just makes me feel even more depressed. Because it makes me feel guilty for feeling so depressed. I feel as though I "should" be able to cope with my lot when all of those people have to cope with SO MUCH MORE. When, of course, this is not about choice at all.
This is one of those things that can be difficult to explain to someone who hasn't suffered from depression. And you'd probably be too kind to say it to my face, or to leave it in a comment, but I'm sure that the thoughts "Be strong! You'll get through it! You've got a roof over your head! You've got your boys!" have flickered through at least one of your minds. Well, I promise you that those are the thoughts that are constantly in my mind as I struggle to get out of bed, to wash, to function, to stop crying for more than a few minutes at a time.
On a good note, my friend is home from the hospital.... and doing well.
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
The recovery....
Firstly, thank you SO MUCH to everyone for your wonderful words of support, encouragement and advice.
I did speak with Toto's Year 7 Advisor. I telephoned him this morning and asked him to keep an eye on Toto. I explained what was going on, and told him that Toto was extremely distressed and anxious and needed to know that there was someone in the school that he could talk to. I also asked him to please be discrete. He wasn't very comforting, but did say that he would talk to Toto during the day.
I then apologised to my Mum. She said that she understood.
I spent three hours sitting at the hospital with my friend today. She was re-admitted yesterday, after a couple of weeks of sliding backwards. It's so sad. So sad for her and so sad for her family. Still, she has a treatment plan and I'm confident that she won't be in there for nearly as long this time.
It did wear me out though. She relies upon me to convince her that she is capable of recovery. I know that I have to look after myself right now, in order to be able to look after my own family, but I can't refuse her in this time of need. I just can't.
By the time I got to Toto's school to collect him, I had a plan for a "recovery evening" for the three of us. It included a bit of baking, a favourite dinner, and a reward for completion of homework (a neck massage, a back tickle and favourite bedtime story).
By absolute chance, I met with the Year 7 advisor at the school gate, and he was much warmer in person. It's possible he's just not comfortable on the telephone. He was very understanding and supportive and reassured me immensely. By chance again, I met with the Principal and had another conversation with him about the situation. I was careful about what I said (I save my DH bagging for my blog) and kept my concerns limited to the impact of the court case on Toto, not the cause or content. He was wonderful. Absolutely wonderful.
And so, despite Toto and I having to lug his incredibly heavy cricket bag home on public transport, our recovery evening went beautifully to plan.
We baked brownies....
Licking the bowl while sitting in front of the oven watching the brownies baking
Completed all the homework.....
...and laughed together more than we have in weeks. It was perfect.
I did speak with Toto's Year 7 Advisor. I telephoned him this morning and asked him to keep an eye on Toto. I explained what was going on, and told him that Toto was extremely distressed and anxious and needed to know that there was someone in the school that he could talk to. I also asked him to please be discrete. He wasn't very comforting, but did say that he would talk to Toto during the day.
I then apologised to my Mum. She said that she understood.
I spent three hours sitting at the hospital with my friend today. She was re-admitted yesterday, after a couple of weeks of sliding backwards. It's so sad. So sad for her and so sad for her family. Still, she has a treatment plan and I'm confident that she won't be in there for nearly as long this time.
It did wear me out though. She relies upon me to convince her that she is capable of recovery. I know that I have to look after myself right now, in order to be able to look after my own family, but I can't refuse her in this time of need. I just can't.
By the time I got to Toto's school to collect him, I had a plan for a "recovery evening" for the three of us. It included a bit of baking, a favourite dinner, and a reward for completion of homework (a neck massage, a back tickle and favourite bedtime story).
By absolute chance, I met with the Year 7 advisor at the school gate, and he was much warmer in person. It's possible he's just not comfortable on the telephone. He was very understanding and supportive and reassured me immensely. By chance again, I met with the Principal and had another conversation with him about the situation. I was careful about what I said (I save my DH bagging for my blog) and kept my concerns limited to the impact of the court case on Toto, not the cause or content. He was wonderful. Absolutely wonderful.
And so, despite Toto and I having to lug his incredibly heavy cricket bag home on public transport, our recovery evening went beautifully to plan.
We baked brownies....
Licking the bowl while sitting in front of the oven watching the brownies bakingEDITED TO REMOVE CUTE PHOTO OF BOO LICKING THE INSIDE OF THE BOWL AT THE REQUEST (DEMAND, THREATENED TANTRUM) OF BOO
"Boo, could you get your head any further inside that bowl?"
Completed all the homework.....
...and laughed together more than we have in weeks. It was perfect.(and I know that they're in their underwear, but it's the first thing they do when they get in the door! Go figure!)
Oh... and on top of that...
my dear friend is back in the psychiatric hospital.
The stars are just not lining up right now.
The stars are just not lining up right now.
Monday, December 8, 2008
Something to chew on....
I'm the first to admit that I'm on psychiatric drugs and have been for about, oh, ten years. There are times when I think they're working really well and that I can therefore put up with the side effects, and there are times when they suddenly seem to stop working, and my psychiatrist changes me to another medication. Occasionally she suggests that my diagnosis should change too. Something that annoys me as I'm not interested in labels (I have always seen them as a way to add a whole dimension of "lack-of-control" to the person being labelled).
I've always had nagging doubts about whether the cycle of depression that I suffer would be any better or worse without the medication. I've always had a fear about the long-term side-effects that these meds could cause, but I've balanced that out with the fear that without them, I could well commit suicide. The fact that I am a single mother and would so anything to give my children the best mother that they can possibly have has made me accept my own need to be on these meds.
It's an issue which came to a head when it was suggested that there is an anti-depressant that would help Toto stop his hair-pulling. My STRONG reaction of "There is no way that my child is taking a psychiatric medication" surprised even me.
Now, please understand that I am in no way condemning anyone for putting their child on psychiatric meds, or for taking or not-taking them themselves. This is purely about me and my feelings on the topic..... NOT about judging anyone else.
I was googling some contra-indications for "her" when I came across a website which led me to a website which led me to.... (you know the drill)... a website which contains a film exposing a whole other side to the pharmaceutical companies' relationships with psychiatrists and the FDA etc. There are 10 YouTube videos of 10 minutes each. I was transfixed.
When I was living in the UK, one of the contracts I had was within the new product development and marketing division of a multi-national pharmaceutical company. The corporate mentality and resulting decisions that I witnessed there shattered any belief I had in the "good intentions" of these companies. I was witness to a meeting in which it was decided to throw billions of dollars of research money at a new headache pill INSTEAD of at an AIDS drug because the profit margin to the company would be much larger (people with headaches are likely to live for a long time - and therefore will buy pills for a long time, whereas people with AIDS are likely to die and therefore stop buying the meds).
The thing that REALLY got me was that it was marketers who made the decisions, based upon public purchasing statistics, as to which area of disease the researches would focus on.
Please watch these videos if you or your family, or any of your friends are on psychiatric meds. Please DO NOT go off your meds because of watching the videos!!! I'm not sharing them (they're out there for you all to find on your own anyway) with the intention of turning anyone off the field of psychiatry or psychiatric meds, but with the intention of having a conversation with you about your thoughts on the subject.
I'm not suddenly going off my meds as a result of watching them. I'm just doing a lot of thinking which may change how I handle my medical treatment in the future. It also may not.
Click here to go to a blog which has all 10 videos posted.
And then PLEASE come back here and talk to me about it. (Obviously I still want you to talk to me even if you haven't watched the videos!)
I've always had nagging doubts about whether the cycle of depression that I suffer would be any better or worse without the medication. I've always had a fear about the long-term side-effects that these meds could cause, but I've balanced that out with the fear that without them, I could well commit suicide. The fact that I am a single mother and would so anything to give my children the best mother that they can possibly have has made me accept my own need to be on these meds.
It's an issue which came to a head when it was suggested that there is an anti-depressant that would help Toto stop his hair-pulling. My STRONG reaction of "There is no way that my child is taking a psychiatric medication" surprised even me.
Now, please understand that I am in no way condemning anyone for putting their child on psychiatric meds, or for taking or not-taking them themselves. This is purely about me and my feelings on the topic..... NOT about judging anyone else.
I was googling some contra-indications for "her" when I came across a website which led me to a website which led me to.... (you know the drill)... a website which contains a film exposing a whole other side to the pharmaceutical companies' relationships with psychiatrists and the FDA etc. There are 10 YouTube videos of 10 minutes each. I was transfixed.
When I was living in the UK, one of the contracts I had was within the new product development and marketing division of a multi-national pharmaceutical company. The corporate mentality and resulting decisions that I witnessed there shattered any belief I had in the "good intentions" of these companies. I was witness to a meeting in which it was decided to throw billions of dollars of research money at a new headache pill INSTEAD of at an AIDS drug because the profit margin to the company would be much larger (people with headaches are likely to live for a long time - and therefore will buy pills for a long time, whereas people with AIDS are likely to die and therefore stop buying the meds).
The thing that REALLY got me was that it was marketers who made the decisions, based upon public purchasing statistics, as to which area of disease the researches would focus on.
Please watch these videos if you or your family, or any of your friends are on psychiatric meds. Please DO NOT go off your meds because of watching the videos!!! I'm not sharing them (they're out there for you all to find on your own anyway) with the intention of turning anyone off the field of psychiatry or psychiatric meds, but with the intention of having a conversation with you about your thoughts on the subject.
I'm not suddenly going off my meds as a result of watching them. I'm just doing a lot of thinking which may change how I handle my medical treatment in the future. It also may not.
Click here to go to a blog which has all 10 videos posted.
And then PLEASE come back here and talk to me about it. (Obviously I still want you to talk to me even if you haven't watched the videos!)
Sunday, December 7, 2008
She's home!!!!!
I know I haven't been posting much about "her" lately. This was mainly because I didn't want to jinx things. It seemed that everytime I posted about her taking a step forwards, she took two steps back.
Also, I had an inkling that her daughter might have been reading my blog (damn site-meter!).
But she's now home. She came home yesterday and is pretty wobbly but I'm optimistic that this is THE home run.
Can't tell you how much I've been dying to tell you all.
any new readers who have no idea what I'm talking about can click here to find out more
Also, I had an inkling that her daughter might have been reading my blog (damn site-meter!).
But she's now home. She came home yesterday and is pretty wobbly but I'm optimistic that this is THE home run.
Can't tell you how much I've been dying to tell you all.
any new readers who have no idea what I'm talking about can click here to find out more
Monday, November 24, 2008
Project SPOS update...
I'm over the hump. I'm still exhausted and overwhelmed, but I'm not wanting to crawl into a hole and give up.
Today was spent preparing my Affidavit in response to DH's. It's a HUGE task (made even huger without the diaries.. grrrr..) but my friend J helped me find a starting point and stuck around to help me clarify my thoughts and clearly articulate the truth as I know it.
I've just finished the 12 page Affidavit and am now about to start on the Response to his Application for Final Orders.
I'm seeing a lawyer on Wednesday (not sure if he's the right one for me, but if not I've still got time to see some other ones) and want to be uber-prepared. I simply do not have the funds to pay someone hundreds of bucks an hour to do the grunt work.
*sigh*
My getting over that initial melt down was hugely caused by your support. The kindness of strangers (all friends now) and friends has given light where there was none. If I'd done this without you, I would still be stuck. I'd still be "I can't talk about it"-ing and unable to accept support and kindness. You've helped me see that, tough as this will be, I'm truly not on my own.
Toto is still ill and at home. "She" is still in hospital and wondering why I'm not visiting her. The stars are still out of alignment for us, but now I know that they will find their way back to normal... eventually.
So, short and sweet for tonight... but filled with love and sincerity. And my heart-felt thanks.
Today was spent preparing my Affidavit in response to DH's. It's a HUGE task (made even huger without the diaries.. grrrr..) but my friend J helped me find a starting point and stuck around to help me clarify my thoughts and clearly articulate the truth as I know it.
I've just finished the 12 page Affidavit and am now about to start on the Response to his Application for Final Orders.
I'm seeing a lawyer on Wednesday (not sure if he's the right one for me, but if not I've still got time to see some other ones) and want to be uber-prepared. I simply do not have the funds to pay someone hundreds of bucks an hour to do the grunt work.
*sigh*
My getting over that initial melt down was hugely caused by your support. The kindness of strangers (all friends now) and friends has given light where there was none. If I'd done this without you, I would still be stuck. I'd still be "I can't talk about it"-ing and unable to accept support and kindness. You've helped me see that, tough as this will be, I'm truly not on my own.
Toto is still ill and at home. "She" is still in hospital and wondering why I'm not visiting her. The stars are still out of alignment for us, but now I know that they will find their way back to normal... eventually.
So, short and sweet for tonight... but filled with love and sincerity. And my heart-felt thanks.
Saturday, November 22, 2008
Searching.....
I’ve spent all day searching for old diaries. DH lied through his teeth about times that he’s had the kids, and I need them to find all my diary notes about dates and times. And I can’t find them. It’s incredible. I’ve literally spent 5 hours searching every drawer, every shelf, under every bed, through every bookcase, even in clothing drawers.
Now I’m the first to admit that my office is totally disorganised, but my search was so thorough that I’m convinced they aren’t in my flat. But where else would they be?
You can see the state of my mind. I’m trying desperately to focus on action, and being thwarted constantly. When I’m still, I cry.
I have, however, calculated the total outstanding amount of unpaid child support and spousal maintenance owed to me over the past 10 years. $327,342.86. And that doesn’t include any of the extra things that he was supposed to pay (school costs, uniforms, dental, health insurance etc). Oh, and it doesn’t include any child support for Boo (as he was born a week after the orders were made).
I don’t expect to get all of it, but I’m hoping it goes towards showing his attitude to parenting, and that perhaps I will get some of it (or at the very least have HIM pay my legal costs).
Oh, I’ve also found out that I will not only have to pay for my own lawyer, but also for separate lawyers for the boys if they want to have their say (which they do).
The next thing that I have to do is write an affidavit about DH’s behaviour towards the boys and his unwillingness to have them over the past 10 years. I can’t start that. Something in my mind snaps and I can’t think clearly.
They boys are now both ill. Very ill. Listless, cranky, coughing, feverish. I can feel it beginning with me too. I’m sure it will hit me when I stop my manic searching.
“She” is in a terrible condition. She has, understandably, lost all hope. I can’t help her at all. I need to stay away. For both our sakes. Still, she calls me .... asking for reassurance and advice. I give it to her, but I know I’m lying. And I’m terrified that she can hear that in my voice.
Now I’m the first to admit that my office is totally disorganised, but my search was so thorough that I’m convinced they aren’t in my flat. But where else would they be?
You can see the state of my mind. I’m trying desperately to focus on action, and being thwarted constantly. When I’m still, I cry.
I have, however, calculated the total outstanding amount of unpaid child support and spousal maintenance owed to me over the past 10 years. $327,342.86. And that doesn’t include any of the extra things that he was supposed to pay (school costs, uniforms, dental, health insurance etc). Oh, and it doesn’t include any child support for Boo (as he was born a week after the orders were made).
I don’t expect to get all of it, but I’m hoping it goes towards showing his attitude to parenting, and that perhaps I will get some of it (or at the very least have HIM pay my legal costs).
Oh, I’ve also found out that I will not only have to pay for my own lawyer, but also for separate lawyers for the boys if they want to have their say (which they do).
The next thing that I have to do is write an affidavit about DH’s behaviour towards the boys and his unwillingness to have them over the past 10 years. I can’t start that. Something in my mind snaps and I can’t think clearly.
They boys are now both ill. Very ill. Listless, cranky, coughing, feverish. I can feel it beginning with me too. I’m sure it will hit me when I stop my manic searching.
“She” is in a terrible condition. She has, understandably, lost all hope. I can’t help her at all. I need to stay away. For both our sakes. Still, she calls me .... asking for reassurance and advice. I give it to her, but I know I’m lying. And I’m terrified that she can hear that in my voice.
Friday, November 21, 2008
I don’t know how or what to write today, but I’m damned if I fail NaBloPoMo after all the effort I’ve put into it.
I feel like a chicken who has had it’s head chopped off and is still running around in circles. I think I’m reacting so badly to this because of the experience I had the first time DH took me to Family Court. It was incredibly bad. And it was 7 days before Boo’s birth.
My depression has come back full swing. I feel totally overwhelmed and unable to focus clearly. I am thinking in terms of all or nothing. I’m feeling incapable of taking this battle on.
Writing that last paragraph down has helped me. I can see that I won’t feel this way forever. I’ll get through this.
Thank you Guera for the list of lawyers. You’re a god-send. And thank you Kim for a lawyers’ name as well. I’m waiting for them all to get back to me.
The boys were meant to go away with DH this weekend but Toto is ill. Really ill with flu-like symptoms, fever and a terrible cough. I took him to the doctor today and he was prescribed complete bed-rest and quiet. Oh, and he’s highly contagious so we’ll all get it.
This means that he can’t go away this weekend. And Boo is refusing to go without him. Of course DH thinks that this is ME reacting to his litigiousness and is furious. He has said that he doesn't believe me and will go and speak to the doctor himself.
It’s actually more to do with sick kids wanting their Mum. Something which DH has encouraged over the years by always bringing them “home” to me whenever they were sick.
You know the one thing above all others that is killing me right now? I told DH on the phone (just before he hung up on me, telling me that he will not be speaking to me without his lawyer) that this is not about ME fighting him, but about HIM fighting the wishes of the boys. I begged him not to do this because the boys DO NOT want to spend every second week with him. I told him that if they did, I would agree to it. He said “They’ll just have to get used to it”.
What an uncaring, unfeeling cretin.
Oh, and in an awful awful awful awful twist, “she” is back in hospital. The universe is just not aligning for us at the moment. And I feel that I have nothing left in me to help her at the moment. But of course I can’t explain that to her, or tell her about this situation with DH. So, we’ll see ...
On a more heart-warming note..... this is Toto's painting that came home from school the other day...
I feel like a chicken who has had it’s head chopped off and is still running around in circles. I think I’m reacting so badly to this because of the experience I had the first time DH took me to Family Court. It was incredibly bad. And it was 7 days before Boo’s birth.
My depression has come back full swing. I feel totally overwhelmed and unable to focus clearly. I am thinking in terms of all or nothing. I’m feeling incapable of taking this battle on.
Writing that last paragraph down has helped me. I can see that I won’t feel this way forever. I’ll get through this.
Thank you Guera for the list of lawyers. You’re a god-send. And thank you Kim for a lawyers’ name as well. I’m waiting for them all to get back to me.
The boys were meant to go away with DH this weekend but Toto is ill. Really ill with flu-like symptoms, fever and a terrible cough. I took him to the doctor today and he was prescribed complete bed-rest and quiet. Oh, and he’s highly contagious so we’ll all get it.
This means that he can’t go away this weekend. And Boo is refusing to go without him. Of course DH thinks that this is ME reacting to his litigiousness and is furious. He has said that he doesn't believe me and will go and speak to the doctor himself.
It’s actually more to do with sick kids wanting their Mum. Something which DH has encouraged over the years by always bringing them “home” to me whenever they were sick.
You know the one thing above all others that is killing me right now? I told DH on the phone (just before he hung up on me, telling me that he will not be speaking to me without his lawyer) that this is not about ME fighting him, but about HIM fighting the wishes of the boys. I begged him not to do this because the boys DO NOT want to spend every second week with him. I told him that if they did, I would agree to it. He said “They’ll just have to get used to it”.
What an uncaring, unfeeling cretin.
Oh, and in an awful awful awful awful twist, “she” is back in hospital. The universe is just not aligning for us at the moment. And I feel that I have nothing left in me to help her at the moment. But of course I can’t explain that to her, or tell her about this situation with DH. So, we’ll see ...
On a more heart-warming note..... this is Toto's painting that came home from school the other day...
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
Bloggy Love....
I received an award today! The wonderful Lani from Me & Boo gave me one.... which prompted me to realise that she also gave me one back in October. One which I instantly forgot about and didn’t acknowledge. I’m so sorry Lani. I can only guess that I was a bit stressed at the time.
So today I’m acknowledging the first one....
.. This one has a questionnaire attached. So, here goes....
1. Have you had the same friends since childhood?
No. I lived outside Australia for too long in the years prior to email and lost contact with most of them. When I came home I found that we didn’t seem to have much in common and so I didn’t put the effort required into re-kindling the friendships. That shortsightedness on my behalf saddens me now.
I do, however, have friends from my late teens and early twenties. And I have kept pretty much every friend that I made when I lived overseas.
2. What do you value most about your friends?
Honesty. Trust. Kindness. Acceptance. Laughter. Our differences.
3. Are your friends your sounding boards?
Not all of the time. I’m actually mostly pretty uncomfortable when it comes to talking about myself in the real world. I think that’s why I’ve taken to the blogging world so eagerly.
4. What is your favorite activity to share with your friends?
Fun stuff. That includes, but is not limited to, indoor games, outdoor activities, sharing meals, holidays, e-mails. I’m not good at talking on the telephone. Oh, and I’d rather eat live maggots than go shopping with a friend. (What a cheerful girl I am today!)
Now... I am supposed to award this to four friends, but I’m going to give it to every one of my readers who is doing NaBloPoMo. We need all the help we can get!!
I’m saving the other award for another NaBloPoMo struggle-day.
PS. She’s home. A bit wobbly, but so-far so-good. Thanks for all support and good wishes. I know they all help.
PPS. Thank you Lani for all the bloggy-love!
So today I’m acknowledging the first one....
.. This one has a questionnaire attached. So, here goes....
1. Have you had the same friends since childhood?
No. I lived outside Australia for too long in the years prior to email and lost contact with most of them. When I came home I found that we didn’t seem to have much in common and so I didn’t put the effort required into re-kindling the friendships. That shortsightedness on my behalf saddens me now.
I do, however, have friends from my late teens and early twenties. And I have kept pretty much every friend that I made when I lived overseas.
2. What do you value most about your friends?
Honesty. Trust. Kindness. Acceptance. Laughter. Our differences.
3. Are your friends your sounding boards?
Not all of the time. I’m actually mostly pretty uncomfortable when it comes to talking about myself in the real world. I think that’s why I’ve taken to the blogging world so eagerly.
4. What is your favorite activity to share with your friends?
Fun stuff. That includes, but is not limited to, indoor games, outdoor activities, sharing meals, holidays, e-mails. I’m not good at talking on the telephone. Oh, and I’d rather eat live maggots than go shopping with a friend. (What a cheerful girl I am today!)
Now... I am supposed to award this to four friends, but I’m going to give it to every one of my readers who is doing NaBloPoMo. We need all the help we can get!!
I’m saving the other award for another NaBloPoMo struggle-day.
PS. She’s home. A bit wobbly, but so-far so-good. Thanks for all support and good wishes. I know they all help.
PPS. Thank you Lani for all the bloggy-love!
Monday, November 17, 2008
Cross everything.....
Things have been so great with "her". She is due to be discharged tomorrow, and so I went to visit her for a last "hoorah in the hospital".
And she received a phone call.
The kind of phone call that would send you spinning even if you were the healthiest, strongest person on the planet.
Her daughters' school telephoned. To tell her that her daughter threw her lunch out today, and refused to eat in front of the school counsellor.
Yes, her daughter has been required to eat her lunch in front of the school counsellor every day for the last month or so.
Because she has the beginnings of an eating disorder.
"Her" husband has taken their daughter to the doctor about it, after receiving a phone call from the school saying that teachers and pupils were concerned with her non-eating and weight-loss.
Today's phone call was an accident. The school was meant to discuss this only with her husband, and really messed up by calling her.
And she is in a spin. She is so close to the edge. Thank God I was there when she got the call.
Her husband and daughter came in to the hospital this evening to talk to her and her doctor, and nothing much was said.
I feel pleased that her daughter has been "found out" this early in her journey, and am confident that she will get the support and help that she needs to get through this before it becomes a major illness. I also think that this is a big cry for help from a 13 year old girl whose Mum has been so very ill and absent for such a long time. I feel that as "she" gets stronger, her daughter will also feel less out-of-control.
I am, however, extremely concerned about the impact of this news upon "her". The timing simply couldn't have been worse.
Please keep her in your thoughts.
And she received a phone call.
The kind of phone call that would send you spinning even if you were the healthiest, strongest person on the planet.
Her daughters' school telephoned. To tell her that her daughter threw her lunch out today, and refused to eat in front of the school counsellor.
Yes, her daughter has been required to eat her lunch in front of the school counsellor every day for the last month or so.
Because she has the beginnings of an eating disorder.
"Her" husband has taken their daughter to the doctor about it, after receiving a phone call from the school saying that teachers and pupils were concerned with her non-eating and weight-loss.
Today's phone call was an accident. The school was meant to discuss this only with her husband, and really messed up by calling her.
And she is in a spin. She is so close to the edge. Thank God I was there when she got the call.
Her husband and daughter came in to the hospital this evening to talk to her and her doctor, and nothing much was said.
I feel pleased that her daughter has been "found out" this early in her journey, and am confident that she will get the support and help that she needs to get through this before it becomes a major illness. I also think that this is a big cry for help from a 13 year old girl whose Mum has been so very ill and absent for such a long time. I feel that as "she" gets stronger, her daughter will also feel less out-of-control.
I am, however, extremely concerned about the impact of this news upon "her". The timing simply couldn't have been worse.
Please keep her in your thoughts.
Saturday, November 15, 2008
Thursday, November 13, 2008
I had a whole 'nother post planned for today....
(see? I am finally beginning to think ahead!)
.... but I needed to share with you the 9 (8.5?) most precious words in the English language....
Her: "Hi Fe. I think I've turned a corner!"
.... and by tone and content, she most certainly has! The ensuing conversation went something along the lines of ..
Fe: "Holy &*^%! That's wonderful!"
Her: "There's no need to swear about it!"
She sounds SO much better. And she FEELS so much better. And although there may still be some more dancing before we're outta there, I am just jumping with joy because this feels like the first time that I have had a conversation with the REAL her since before she was hospitalised.
Oh man! Today's a GOOD day!
.... but I needed to share with you the 9 (8.5?) most precious words in the English language....
Her: "Hi Fe. I think I've turned a corner!"
.... and by tone and content, she most certainly has! The ensuing conversation went something along the lines of ..
Fe: "Holy &*^%! That's wonderful!"
Her: "There's no need to swear about it!"
She sounds SO much better. And she FEELS so much better. And although there may still be some more dancing before we're outta there, I am just jumping with joy because this feels like the first time that I have had a conversation with the REAL her since before she was hospitalised.
Oh man! Today's a GOOD day!
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
In the nick of time....
I forgot. Yep, that's right. I almost forgot to blog today..... which would have meant that I had "failed" the NoBloPoMo task.
"She" is talking a lot about failing right now. Her doctors are talking with her about when she can go home, and the reality of that has sent her spinning into "magical thinking". In other words.... if THIS happens, I'll be okay. But if THAT happens, I'll have to kill myself. "And it will be okay because you will look after my children."
So I had to dob her in again. Geez I hate doing that. But I feel no guilt. Just sadness.
She IS getting better. But it's so slow, and it's such a dance (one step forwards, two steps backwards) that it's hard to see it as progress.
"She" is talking a lot about failing right now. Her doctors are talking with her about when she can go home, and the reality of that has sent her spinning into "magical thinking". In other words.... if THIS happens, I'll be okay. But if THAT happens, I'll have to kill myself. "And it will be okay because you will look after my children."
So I had to dob her in again. Geez I hate doing that. But I feel no guilt. Just sadness.
She IS getting better. But it's so slow, and it's such a dance (one step forwards, two steps backwards) that it's hard to see it as progress.
Friday, November 7, 2008
Chocolates..
We had some visitors the other day. Lara and Inigo (from here) dropped by for some boy-adoration time. Awwww..
Toto was away, and so Inigo had Boo all to himself. I love the way my boys enjoy spending time with littler kidlets.
Awww.......
There was SO much laughter!
..and then Boo decided that the world was way "cooler" when seen from an inverse position. Can't say I disagree with him. (Probably because he could see - without all that hair in his eyes!)
This is an unusually early-morning shot of our view to the north. I say "unusually" because it's not like me to be awake before 6am, let-alone UP. Toto needed to be at school for a 6am excursion departure the other day, and so I made the most of it.
Do you ever have times when all you seem to do is cry? I tear-up over everything (and no, I'm not pre-menstrual). I had a run-in with my telephone provider today... and cried for an hour over it. Crazy. I mean, not literally (I hope). And I'm feeling very overwhelmed about the legal stuff with DH and "her" and everything else on my plate.
I guess I just need to cry it out. I feel as though I'm being very tough on myself for even talking about it here (feels kinda vulnerable) and that this should prompt me to "pull it together". I would never be that tough on anyone else.
*sigh*
Life. Is like a box of chocolates..... (thanks Forrest Gump for that clinker)
Toto was away, and so Inigo had Boo all to himself. I love the way my boys enjoy spending time with littler kidlets.
Awww.......
There was SO much laughter!
..and then Boo decided that the world was way "cooler" when seen from an inverse position. Can't say I disagree with him. (Probably because he could see - without all that hair in his eyes!)
This is an unusually early-morning shot of our view to the north. I say "unusually" because it's not like me to be awake before 6am, let-alone UP. Toto needed to be at school for a 6am excursion departure the other day, and so I made the most of it.
Do you ever have times when all you seem to do is cry? I tear-up over everything (and no, I'm not pre-menstrual). I had a run-in with my telephone provider today... and cried for an hour over it. Crazy. I mean, not literally (I hope). And I'm feeling very overwhelmed about the legal stuff with DH and "her" and everything else on my plate.
I guess I just need to cry it out. I feel as though I'm being very tough on myself for even talking about it here (feels kinda vulnerable) and that this should prompt me to "pull it together". I would never be that tough on anyone else.
*sigh*
Life. Is like a box of chocolates..... (thanks Forrest Gump for that clinker)
Thursday, November 6, 2008
Topic! HERE topic! ....
Actually, I've got a few things to write about, but nothing coherent enough (or interesting enough) to warrant it's own post really.
She is not better, but is less anxious. I hope it's considered an improvement, because it is horribly frightening from where I sit. Each visit feels more and more as though I'm visiting an aged rellie with dementia. I know that her dementia-like-symptoms will disappear eventually, but man it's not fun right now.
Toto has gone away with his class for a 2 day excursion to our nations' capital. Which means that Boo is clingy and asleep in my bed (ugh - no sleep for me tonight).
And I'm hugely disappointed that the majority of Californian's voted Yes to Prop 8 and thereby ruled against same-sex marriage. On the same day that we're all celebrating a more liberal and life-experienced, less patriachal-rich-white-man president-elect. Sad sad sad.
I know lots of others have mentioned this in their blogs today (and I ripped my link straight from Lara's blog - thanks La!) but it's upset me so much that I thought it was worth a mention here.
I'm not judging though. We don't have it here yet folks. I would like to think, however, that if a referendum were held tomorrow, it would get passed.
I'd also like to think that I could still pull George Clooney.
She is not better, but is less anxious. I hope it's considered an improvement, because it is horribly frightening from where I sit. Each visit feels more and more as though I'm visiting an aged rellie with dementia. I know that her dementia-like-symptoms will disappear eventually, but man it's not fun right now.
Toto has gone away with his class for a 2 day excursion to our nations' capital. Which means that Boo is clingy and asleep in my bed (ugh - no sleep for me tonight).
And I'm hugely disappointed that the majority of Californian's voted Yes to Prop 8 and thereby ruled against same-sex marriage. On the same day that we're all celebrating a more liberal and life-experienced, less patriachal-rich-white-man president-elect. Sad sad sad.
I know lots of others have mentioned this in their blogs today (and I ripped my link straight from Lara's blog - thanks La!) but it's upset me so much that I thought it was worth a mention here.
I'm not judging though. We don't have it here yet folks. I would like to think, however, that if a referendum were held tomorrow, it would get passed.
I'd also like to think that I could still pull George Clooney.
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