.... and I really am finding this difficult.
I haven't divulged the latest drama, but the boys have been pretty traumatised and both are displaying horrific affects of anxiety and depression. They're off to a psychologist on Monday..... one who specialises in family counselling related to divorce and separation.... and I can only hope that we get some sage and practical advice.
H has had months of cognitive behavioural therapy, and yet he still pulls his hair out (literally... an affliction called trichotillomania) and suffers severe "worries" at night which prevent him sleeping.
F begs me (literally) to keep him from having to stay with DH, and expresses his anxiety with tantrums and solitary visits to his wardrobe.
This all scares the crap out of me. I am overwhelmed with hopelessness. And frustration and anger.
For a brief history of DH and his treatment of me, click here.
And for all of that, I have hoped and prayed that all of the wonderful things that I fell in love with in him would make him a great father. I have blindly believed that he could separate his feelings towards me from his feelings towards his sons.
But events lately have made me think that he is not able to do that. And that fills me with guilt and sadness.
Our upcoming trip overseas is more than a holiday. It's an escape from the stressors that afflict us daily. I'm hoping that my boys learn to relax, to believe in themselves and to experience unconditional love from respected (and respectful) adults. I'm hoping that 6 weeks is long enough to repair some of the sadness that lives deep in their souls.
And if it's not, I'm hoping that it's enough time to give me the strength to do whatever it is that I will have to do to protect my children.
Saturday, May 31, 2008
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3 comments:
The way the boys are behaving, should tell you something very important: keep them away from your ex! He is destroying them!
If you don't stop that, they will grow up to be very troubled young men! That is definitely not what you want!
Sorry, I'm so direct, but I'm very worried about them!
xxTrui
I know, Trui. I have the same instinct, but it's not that easy. I've taken professional advice about it and have been told from a legal AND a psychological standpoint that the system is extremely pro-father at the moment (a reaction to it having been pro-mother for 10 years or so) and that the chances of legally denying him access are nil.
So, I have cut back his mid-week overnight visit (much to the boys' relief) and now he has 3 nights a fortnight. The psychologist I'm taking them to knows the background and is an expert in this field, so I trust her to let me know her opinion.
The boys love their Dad. Of course. And he can be fun and wonderful. I don't want to stop him seeing them altogether, but I would like to minimise the stressful times (school mornings, dinner and bed times) that he has them, as this is when the terrible things seem to happen.
There's not much more I can say, except that I'm not ignoring anything, and am putting their well-being on top of my list of priorities.
If they come home from our trip much improved, I will make changes to his access. The cause will be obvious. If they don't..... I will enroll DH to help me to help them. (He thinks that there is no problem..... the boys are too scared to be anything but on their best behaviour around him..... they wait until they come home to me and then act-out).
The boys have only just started revealing to me the stuff that goes on. They HATE it when DH and I argue, and so wanted to prevent that from happening. It's important right now that they can see that that is NOT happening as a result of their telling me the truth.
*sigh*
13 days until we fly out.
Cutting back on DH's access is a good start. But I wonder: do the courts not hear the children, in an access-battle? I mean, they should be given the chance to say how they feel about spending time with their father!
And that should be taken as the most important aspect!
I wish you all the strength and power you need!
love Trui
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