Gratitude... the dark side...

Kim has started a gratitude journal. I'm so jealous! It's a great idea and I NEED to do that right now to focus on all that's good in my life.

But first... I have a few entries for the RESENTMENT journal that I have to get off my chest.

1. I'm so bloody resentful of the fact that you sever all contact between me and my boys when you have them. Excuses like "I don't listen to voice messages" "You should have left a text" "I didn't get your text" "I wanted a few days without checking my phone" "I don't answer Private Numbers" just don't wash. You're a bastard for a million and one things, but this one is just unnecessary and cruel to THEM as well as me.

2. Your inconsideration and selfishness flashes in FLURO when you send me an email telling me.... yes TELLING ME... when you'll be having the kids, and then a text TELLING ME you'll be dropping them off two days earlier. Only you don't mention the fact that it's two days earlier... you just say Tuesday instead of Thursday. You do this a lot.

3. It drives me insane that you lie. All the time. And although this should make it easier for me to prove to a Child Support Agency representative, or a Family Court Magistrate that you are a lying piece of trash... it doesn't. Most people, in my opinion, like to believe other people. And you present well. You have perfected the "poor neglected father who would have loved to have been with his children growing up except that his ex-wife was such a horrible monster (she was hospitalised with post natal depression nudge wink) who made his life SO incredibly nightmarishly ghoulishly unhappy that he HAD to leave pregnant her and his child after 9 whole months of parenthood because that was in the best interests of the children and who has been giving every penny that he has earned in the last 10 years to provide for his children... and who only went on overseas holidays 10 or 12 times during this period to cope with the stress of dealing with such an awful ex-wife... and who is the only self-employed plumber in Sydney who employs 4 or 5 people who pays himself minimal income and is not hiding money in order to avoid paying child support" story. Which means that it's down to me to re-live the whole saga every time I have to prove that you're lying.

4. I resent the *%^$ out of the fact that you have kept this up for 11 years as of yesterday. You have treated me as though I have wronged you in some way. This is because I would not take you back all those times that you asked me to over the first few years. You blame me for "depriving" you of your family. You cannot see beyond that. You cannot see that once you had walked out on me during the most incredibly difficult period of my life, sustained that absence, told me that you had involved yourself romantically with others while you were still with me and treated me as a doormat.... I had a choice. If I took you back, I would have had my eyes wide open. I would have had to have believed that I deserved to be treated that way. I didn't. And I don't. But you found another way to keep me "down". And you have sustained it.

5. I resent (abhor, detest, loath) the fact that you treat our children as pawns in this battle of yours. That you didn't take advantage of the fact that I have never EVER denied you access to our children and that you were so obsessed with your own selfish wants and needs that you haven't thought of THEIR wants and needs. They needed a role-model for their future roles as husband and father and all they got was you. They wanted a father who would love them unconditionally and treat their mother with respect and all they got was you. And now that they're entering their vulnerable teenage years, you "want" to have them live with you half of the time and you "want" to have legal rights over them. You have no concern for what they need. They need consistency. They need to know what kind of parenting they will be receiving. They need to stay with the parent who has put in the hard yards of love and discipline and parenting. They need to maintain the status quo. And you can't see that their decision on this is based upon your past behaviour. You think that they are being manipulated by me. That's because you don't know what it is to put someone elses needs above your own.

I could go on. But I'm shaking and tearful and emotional and want to get you out of my head.

*shake head*

My lawyer is back from his holidays this week. I have two appointments with him to finalise our stuff for the court date. I also have an appointment with my accountant to see if there's anything else I need to do for the 4 years of tax returns that I have to lodge by February. I also have an appointment with the Child Support Agency regarding my Change of Assessment Application.

And then my boys and I have 10 days on a beach on the South Coast of NSW.

And then we come back to face Family Court, new school years (and a new school for Toto) and whatever else life throws our way.

I am exhausted. Understandably. I have been working 12+ hours a day on legal and tax and Child Support stuff. This is a full time job right now.

So... things I am grateful for....

1. My healthy, loving and beautiful boys (if you don't count the end stages of whooping cough!).

2. My parents.

3. My friends.

4. I want to say my health, but I have neglected it lately and need to get it back. So, my ability to be healthy.

5. That, even though I can't afford it, I continue to re-book our annual beach holiday. If I didn't have that to look forward to, I would be too overwhelmed to pull myself out of this mire.

I will work on more things to be grateful for. I promise.