It's amazing how light things seem when the darkness begins to lift. Every single action, every obligation, every otherwise enjoyable event has seemed like an insurmountable challenge. I've enjoyed things during this time... but the effort to get to things, or prepare for things has worn me out. And I've needed recovery time. Lots.
One of the most noticeable things for me was my loss of confidence. I decided that my photography skills were shockingly pathetic, my Photoshop skills even more so, and that I was kidding myself if I thought that I could write a sentence worth publishing on a world-wide forum. I'm still feeling pretty shaky about those three things, but I'm reminding myself that I'm not doing this for any reason other than my own desire to connect with other wonderful like-minded bloggers. And that they you are not judging me.
I've also been working quite a lot over the last few weeks... minus my normally wonderful confidence. It has been totally exhausting, sometimes uncomfortable and, had I not known that this was not my "normal" state of operating, I would have been thrown into a turmoil about my professional skills and abilities.
And, of course, the legal crap continues. Painfully slowly. Inchingly, revoltingly slowly. DH and I have had one of the arbitrations cancelled. It was quite hilarious actually. Hmmm. We had a Social Security Appeals Tribunal pre-arbitration phone conference regarding DH's objection to a decision by the Child Support Agency that went in my favour. His objection was completely irrelevant to the actual decision and it didn't take long for the SSAT representative to point that out to DH. He dismissed the Appeal that same day. One thing that did come out of the phone call was that DH has lodged another case against me in the Family Court. One that I have not been notified about yet. Something else to look forward to.
That same afternoon Toto had a "Meet The Teachers" bbq at his school. Which meant that I had to see, and even talk to, DH. I didn't stop shaking for about 12 hours from the effort required to maintain an even keel. My darling Toto said "Mum, I'm really proud of you... You're doing such a good job of being nice to Dad" which of course kept me seemingly calm and focussed.
This was one of the highlights of the past couple of weeks... actually it was two of the highlights as we were lucky enough to be able to meet up twice....
So.... hopefully the skies will stay brighter in my perspective for a while. I know that I am not broken. I simply have too much stress in my life right now and will need to manage my time and resources better to avoid this kind of extended darkness.
The tears that continue to roll are more about what my boys are feeling. I stole a look at Toto's English book at school the other day. Under the heading "My Family" he wrote about his divorced parents both wanting him to live with them. And he wrote "but I prefer to live with my Mum". I hadn't realised how much I needed to see those words. To know that, despite their adamant spoken words to me, they weren't just telling me what they thought I wanted to hear.
This is the only photograph that I've taken over the past month or so that I actually really like. Boo is concentrating on his Nintendo DS... lying next to me on my bed... with the strong western sunlight mottled by the blind. They're growing so quickly at the moment and I'm trying to capture those childish expressions that will soon disappear. Not so easy as they've both suddenly become quite camera shy. Bugger.
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6 comments:
So nice to hear that things might be lifting a little bit. I think anyone would be weighed down by all that you've been having to deal with. I think you are very tough, you know.
I just can't begin to imagine what dh's motivation for all of this is. Why would he want to put the boys through so much? After all this time it seems very odd.I'm glad you were able to have at least a small victory.
I know how hard I find it to even be anywhere near my ex-husband, there is always so much stuff going on that being civil is the hardest thing in the world. I am very impressed by your composure.
Hugs
xxx
You are a super hero!
I am glad your spirit is beginning to lift.
How could you lose confidence in those three things? Never doubt yourself with those three things (I know. Easier said than done)!
Your photography skills are marvellous, your Photoshop skills are way, way, way more advanced than mine, and the sentences you string together have so much worth and meaning.
I am sorry that the legal proceedings are going slowly. For your wellbeing, I hope they speed up and are over and done with quicker.
My mind still boggles at what point DH is trying to make???
That's a great photo of you and the boys, with Dina and her family.
Wishing you lots more bright skies xxx
It's a long, tough road, but I promise you, someday will come and that some day will be bright and sunny and wonderful.
For now, just focus on the small victories. Like what a fantastic mom you are, and how those 2 men in your life are shaping up to be wonderful human beings.
Regardless of the bumps, you're doing a great job and that says major things about the kind of person you are.
You can do this.
Glad that things are lightening a bit for you. You know your photography is amazing. I read and saw that Queensland is bracing for another major cyclone. And I want to live there because.......
I can REALLY relate to the stuff in the beginning of your post.
I have times where I lose all confidence.
I could go on and on about how great you are, but when I'm in one of those states, people saying those things doesn't help me.
To have faith in people's compliments, I have to be in a mood where I have faith in myself.
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