The Other Woman....

I've been thinking about the fact that DH is using my depression to imply that I was responsible for the breakdown of our marriage (which is ridiculous considering Australia has no-fault divorce) and about how he has written the following in his Affidavit:

"I do not know and cannot admit why Fe suffered depression. To the best of my knowledge and belief Fe suffered depression associated with a condition known as hypothyroidism from 1995. I observed a progressive decline in Fe's ability to cope with her daily duties around the house leading up to the birth of Toto. After the birth of Toto Fe's symptoms did not improve. I observed that Fe's mood swings worsened. She would be normal one minute then outraged and aggressive the next. Fe was diagnosed with post partum depression in July 1997. I recall during the first few months of 1998 when I arrived home Fe would seek me out in the house and start a conversation. Frequently these conversations would develop into an argument and she would become aggressive and violent. On several occasions Fe physically attacked me. I now understand that Fe has continued with the regular care of a psychiatrist and has continued to take anti-depressant medication notwithstanding that we have been separation for over ten years."

This is not the worst paragraph in that particular Affidavit, but it's the one which has made me think about the circumstances of the end of a marriage.

I have to state here, quite categorically, that I have never attacked DH. Oh how I regret that now. I pushed him in the chest with open palms once in absolute fury, but "attacked" him? No.

I also want to state that in the early weeks after Toto was born, DH used to come into the house after a hard day of not working, sit on the sofa .. find me still in my dressing gown trying to settle my very unsettled baby and say "What's for dinner?". When I told him that I had not been to the shops and had not thought about dinner, he would roll his eyes and say "Well, what have you been doing all day?".

So, yes. We had arguments.

The main ones though... the ones that occurred in the early months of 1998... were about his affair.

A bit of background..... I was running a "Healing Centre" in the front part of our large house. 5 different Practitioners and I shared the practice rooms. It was a full time job simply managing the Centre and the Practitioners, and I had my own Counselling Practice as well. I was working up to the day I went into labour with Toto. My Mum and my sister-in-law helped me enormously with the Centre in the few weeks after Toto's birth, but I was soon back to full-time practice whilst rushing out the back between clients to either breast-feed Toto, or express milk. My Mum was caring for him on the days that I worked.

DH was studying Naturopathy at that time, as well as supposedly doing some plumbing work. He also saw some clients as a Masseur.

Isabel (oh yes I'm using her real name here) was an air stewardess who came to DH for massages. She became a friend of DH's, and would be invited out the back to see Toto and to chat with me.

Her schedule changed, and she asked DH to go to her house to massage her on Thursday evenings. We needed the money, and I trusted DH implicitly, so had no problem with this. He began to come home later and later... usually stoned. This, of course, WAS a problem with me.

I tried to discuss it with DH, but it was a "no go" area for him. His response to my questions was to call me paranoid, become incredibly insulted, drive away from the house, turn off his mobile phone, and not return for 2 or 3 days.

The massages continued.

When we found out that I was pregnant again, I asked him to stop massaging Isabel. He also had rugby training two nights a week and played poker with his "mates" on Wednesday. I needed more support with Toto during the evening. I was still working and was totally and utterly exhausted. (And, no, he did not behave like this during our courtship - or I obviously would not have married him. He didn't behave like this in the five years of marriage preceding children either - or I would not have had children with him.)

He wouldn't stop anything. He was defensive and turned everything into MY problem.

He left on January 11, 1998 (edited to correct the year... sorry) (details of which have been posted here).

We attempted a reconciliation in late February. He was invited to move back into the house while Toto and I were away for the weekend with my Mum. When my Mum and I returned home, DH wasn't there, but there was a very loving and intimate message on the answering machine from Isabel. There was no doubt that he was involved sexually with her.

He came home. Denied it. Became outraged. Disappeared for 3 days. Usual behaviour. Kept denying it.

There were no more attempted reconciliations.

A couple of years later, in a friendly patch, I asked him how long his relationship with Isabel had lasted. He told me that it had begun when he first went to her house on Thursday evenings but had not survived the phone message that she had left on my answering machine. I was shocked. I told him that he had never admitted it to me before. He responded with "Oh .. you always knew!". I asked him why he had denied it so strenuously and he said "I knew how upset you would have been about it. I was trying to protect you."

Seriously.

Christ.

Now, go back and re-read that paragraph from his affidavit.