Poor Toto completely lost it. The rosy shine wore off MUCH sooner than I anticipated.
He's thought ahead to the reality of it all and has decided that it's all too much. He just can't deal with all of the practical aspects of the extra night (school uniforms, musical instruments, air league uniforms etc) letalone the extra night away from me.
I've put him back to bed with promises of late night drives across the Harbour Bridge to deliver mislaid or forgotten items (boy am I going to regret making THAT promise) and letters to all of his teachers explaining his change of living circumstances and asking for leniency with regard to missing textbooks and homework not done.
And he's angry with me for agreeing to the change.
I know, I know. I know that I had no choice and that he's an emotional lad, but right now I feel like I've sold my children for a piece of silver.
Let's hope a good nights' sleep and a few weeks of adjusting to the idea makes things easier.
For all of us.
Monday, June 15, 2009
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12 comments:
They will adjust. If there's one thing I've learned in recent years, it's that kids are WAY better at adapting to change than we are.
And you know he's not really mad at you - he's mad at the situation, and he's taking it out on you. There's a difference. He knows that too, even if it doesn't seem that way at the moment.
Well, first of all, I am relieved that DH and CF had to back down a bit. It is soooo much better than the 50/50 thing. I know how my kids would react if they were told they must spend more time with their father. It would not be good, In fact Rhubarb would outright refuse to do it. Fortunately for him, my ex would never bother to take it to court. Too much hassle.
It is the worst situation. You want to tell them that they don't have to and that they can stay with you but you must swallow those words and instead tell them they will enjoy their time with their dad and all will be well. It is torture.
I hope that poor Toto will be able to come to terms with the change. I wonder if, as they enter their teenage years, DH will ease up a bit and recognise that he can no longer force the contact thing? We can hope, hey?
Fingers crossed for the money situation, I will be so mad if he gets away without paying what he owes.
xxx
Oh, poor love. You know that everything is really raw and emotional at the moment, and he's letting out the stress of it as he knows how. I think you're right that a bit of time will help to make it easier and I know that you will find a way to make this work for the boys, because you are a fabulous Mum who would do anything for your boys. :)((hugs)) xoxo
Poor Toto : (
I'm glad things went well in the family court.
I wish they went even better (no extra night and family court people treating parents with respect), but I'm things things didn't end up being worse.
Anyway, I hope a miracle happens and DH ends up changing. Maybe he'll finally learn that court orders don't make a father.
Maybe now that the court stuff is done, it will stop being a game to him. Maybe he'll either a) start actually BEING a father to the boys. b) back off and stop using the boys as pawns.
Anyway, much love to you and your beautiful sons.
My heart is with you guys.
I hope you all adjust well. I really hope DH lets everything 'just be' for a long while now (better if its forever) and doesn't cause any more disruption to your, and the boys lives, and uses his extra night to show the boys he can be a decent father. Hugs to all of you xoxox
This just breaks my heart.
BUT
- yes, kids are adaptable and do cope a lot better than we do
- Toto is going to take it out on you because he knows you love him no matter what and he knows he is safe with you to get angry/be afraid etc. It's a weird compliment.
- Their father will be the father he will be. That is both infinitely frustrating and comforting I know. But somehow knowing that you can't fix that, you can only be the best mum you can be and that the boys' relationship with their father is one the three of them will just have to nut out - while bringing such sadness, hurt and anger now - has to give you hope and a sense of 'this too will pass'. I know how hard that is, I was once Toto.
I'm so pleased that you got a good result.
Perhaps Toto's reaction is more a release of built up emotion than actually anger at the outcome?
Now, let's hope the $$ gets sorted, too.
Fingers & toes are crossed for you.
I'm sure you're the only person in the world he feels safe taking it out on... it's hard for them to be with him at all... I understand that from experience. Ugh. But they will be okay, because they have you, lucky boys. I hope they grow up to be able one day to tell him to f*&! off, as he deserves.
I've just read back through a few posts - you've been having a hell of a time. Poor little chap, he sounds confused, it must be so stressful for them even if you have been shielding them. You've done so well to get this far and as Jeff says, the kids will adjust and everything will settle out. Here's hoping that DH starts treating you fairly in future.
Thank you for all your wise and kind words.
Toto is still incredibly upset, but I know that he will be okay.
I love it that he feels that he can take it out on me. Both boys do that when they get home from DH's usually. It's as though they've stored up their upset and bad feelings and then vent them when they come home to me.
I don't take any of it personally and so it only lasts a couple of minutes or so.
My focus now is on teaching both boys how to respond to DH's put-downs. They are to agree first (eg "I guess it might seem like that to you, Dad") then state their case (eg "I really do need to go to bed early tonight though, or I'll be too tired for school tomorrow") and to try not to personlise everything.
We're using every day conversations as learning opportunities. Good life skills, even if they aren't able to use them with their Dad.
I'm just trying to help them cope with their Dad's anger.
Fe,
You are an awesome mother.
It is very mature of you to be able to understand and handle your sons taking out their frustrations on you.
I also like how you've taught them to handle their father's insults.
Fe, you are such a wonderful mother. I can learn a thing or two here.
Thinking of you.
X Eveline
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