Shaking....

... all over. Can't stop.

It's like I've been put through a tree chopper and reassembled to look roughly like the person I was before.

Lawyers threw around GIGANTIC issues as though they were discussing last nights' fish and chip wrapping. The Court Counsellor's report was barely raised. DH's past behaviour was not addressed at all. It was all about compromise and legal-blame.

THANKYOU for all of your good wishes and loving thoughts. I swear they worked.

Things are NOT exactly the same as they were before, but they are only slightly changed.

Instead of getting 50/50 shared parenting, DH received one extra night a fortnight. I should be jumping for joy, but I know how devastated the boys will be at hearing this news. I was able to establish that we have one month before this new arrangement takes place, and that it gets re-assessed in 6 months before becoming final, but the reality is that it will be almost impossible for me to "prove" to the court that it is not working. I mean, if they didn't pay attention to the Court Counsellor's report, what weight will they place on the mothers' opinion? I can therefore only pray that it does work, and that DH lifts his game, and that in 6 months we are all happy to finalise it.

SmartGirl was amazing. She really was. She was also wonderful at clearing the room at the end when, after DH left, I covered my face with my hands and sobbed and sobbed. I was shaking too much to even stand up. She told me that I had been brilliant and had said all the right things and that this was a big win in the current Family Court environment.... and yet she understood that it was incredibly stressful for me and that I did not see it as the best outcome for the boys.

Sitting directly across a 2 foot wide table from DH was beyond agony. He was pathetic. He kept talking about what "he" wanted, and not about what would be best for the boys. He said that he wanted this resolved because he didn't want to continually cry about something that happened 12 years ago. And that he wanted to have court orders so that he felt like a father.

Are you kidding me? Firstly... get a THERAPIST... not a lawyer. Secondly... court orders DO NOT a father make.

What a loser.

The financial matter did not get resolved. His lawyer (CF.... I refuse to expand on those initials on the grounds that the C stands for a word that I would never otherwise use in real life) said that the initial spousal maintenance orders should never have been made, and therefore should be dismissed. Obviously nobody has ever left her pregnant and with a babe in arms. I should have been out supporting myself I suppose. Stupid, selfish me.

We are off to court on July 20 for the financial issues to be decided by a judge. There is no other way. SmartGirl will be in Paris on holiday then, and CF refuses to postpone the hearing date, so I'll only have my Barrister. Apparently DH's bank accounts are all frozen... hopefully by the CSA... and she obviously won't postpone because she doesn't want to wait to get her bills paid.

The ICL (Independent Children's Lawyer) was the one who decided upon the outcome. She obviously worked very hard to get DH and CF to back down from 50/50 (we weren't in the room for that conversation) and then had to convince me to agree to it as well. She tried to insist that I not tell the boys anything about the outcome.... and said that she would see them within the next two weeks to tell them herself. WHAT?

I explained that that was a totally unrealistic situation, and that it was better if I told the boys that we were going to trial the extra nights and reassured them that DH and I had agreed upon it because we both wanted what's best for them. She did, finally, agree to that.

Honestly.... to all of you who are family court lawyers out there... good on you for working in a messy and horrendous environment. I know you must do it because you want to make a positive difference (except for CF) but CAN YOU PLEASE NOT ASSUME THAT EVERY PARENT IS A MORON? (Except for SmartGirl.)

Thank you.

So.....

I expect that I'll be in shock for a few days.

I'm planning to take the boys out to dinner tonight to celebrate the end of the legal battle between Mummy and Daddy (they don't know about the Financial stuff). And to emphasise that DH and I were able to agree (it's not a lie... just an omission of the fact that it took 8 months and 4 lawyers in the room to reach the agreement), and to TRY to make the extra night seem shiny and exciting for them.

And I expect that I'll continue to randomly burst into tears for at least a couple of days.

Is it really over? Can't quite believe it. Guess I won't until the Financial Issue is sorted as well.