The Family Court Counselling. Where do I start?...

It was five hours. Three hours of being with DH in a small room and two hours of anxiously waiting while my babies were being counselled about what their wishes were.

At no time were the 4 of use in the counselling room together... thank god. The counsellor obviously took one whiff of the tension between DH and me and realised that it would NOT be good for the kids.

So... I'll do my best to share what happened. There was a lot said though, and I was incredibly emotional, so I cannot remember everything.

I remember that the counsellor was not very warm or friendly. Sure, she needs to stay detached, but I felt that she was quite judgmental.

DH was trying to paint a picture of himself as a saint-like father who was fighting the “good fight” (against a wicked witch) to see more of his kids before they grow up. He said things like “I know that, as boys, they need their father more than their mother now and I want them to live with me so that they can have a proper relationship with me”. He said that I had always used the issue of money (unpaid child support) to keep him feeling guilty, which had led him to not being able to communicate with me, which led him to this legal action.

Every single thing he said was about blaming me.

At one point we flared up at each other. The counsellor was talking about the “open wound” of our separation 11 years ago as the primary cause of all of our problems. DH said something along the lines of “She made me leave her. She was depressed and pregnant and was impossible to live with. No man would have stayed in that situation” and I sat up in my chair, turned to face him, and, shaking and crying, said “No decent man would leave his pregnant wife and baby because she was suffering from AN ILLNESS!! And then SUE HER FOR MONEY! And then NOT PAY CHILD SUPPORT”. The counsellor was telling me that she heard him say that he was suffering enormous guilt from having left like that and I said that I could not hear any of that in the words that he was saying, and that if he felt guilt, why had he never fulfilled his financial and moral obligations in the following 11 years. And DH interrupted to say that HE did not sue me, his LAWYERS sued me. Apparently not his responsibility at all.

She said that I had equal responsibility in all of that because I could not forgive him.

*&*@%#^$%@%&#%%@&*#%#@*(#&^$#%

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?????

Not long after that, he and I were sent to wait (I went outside the building so that I would not have to sit in the waiting room with him) while she spoke to the boys. I was tearful and faint, and, knowing that every word said in that room is reportable to the Judicial Registrar (the judge) worried that I had blown it.

Two hours later, DH and I were back in her room. I was determined to be non-reactive this time.

She told us about her time with the boys, about her impressions of them. They were remarkably accurate.

She had said to the boys that if they had 3 wishes, what would they be?

Boo said “1. That my parents stop fighting. 2. That the court case ends. 3. That I have unlimited wishes” (that’s my boy!!)

Toto said “1. That the court case ends. 2. That my parents start talking. 3. That's all I want.”

And then she told us that both boys felt very strongly that they DID NOT WANT TO CHANGE THE CURRENT LIVING ARRANGEMENTS. And that she felt strongly that it would not be in the boys best interests to do so.

I burst into tears. Tears of relief. Tears of amazement that my boys had overcome their fear of DH’s reactions to their words in order to tell their truths.

She went on to tell DH that both boys loved him, but had major concerns about his anger. She said that there was a HUGE difference in our parenting styles, and that the boys felt unsafe with DH and safe with me. When asked what they did when they were angry with their mother, both boys answered “I’ve never been angry with my mother”. When asked what they did when they were angry with their father, Toto said “I hide and get anxious and have trouble breathing and cry”. Boo said “I play my games and refuse to talk to him”.

Both boys brought up the incident in the back lane last March, and the counsellor emphasised to DH how inappropriate his behaviour had been. He crapped on and tried to defend himself, but she shut him down and told him that he had to apologise to the boys about it. One year later, and he still hadn’t done that! Sheesh.

(I've just realised that I haven't ever written about that horrendous incident in the back lane last March. DH was furious with them for having telephoned me because they were terrified as he had left them alone for a long period of time. He lives in the red-light district of Sydney and they get very scared there. I had jumped into my car and driven over there... not to take them home but to stay with them until DH returned. He returned before I got there, and was FURIOUS with them! He told them that if they went home with me they may as well never return. He then put them out in the back lane (unlit and very scary) and closed his garage door. By the time I got there they were scared out of their wits and absolutely hysterical. I took them home, calming them down, telling them that their Dad really loved them and was just angry and would be feeling awful about having done what he did etc etc. He wasn't feeling awful. In fact, he rang up over an hour later still wanting to yell at them for not showing him respect.

It was after that event that the boys refused to stay overnight at DH's house for a couple of weeks. Apparently he left them alone there A LOT. And got that angry A LOT. They had had enough. A few weeks later I convinced them to stay over on the weekend nights that they were there... and that is what they have been doing ever since.)

The boys also said that when they were at DH’s, his flatmate was always there, and he always had friends over. They said that the only times that they were ever alone with him was when they were playing sport.... and even then he was yelling at them and correcting them. She suggested that he attend some sort of parenting programme to help him learn how to respond to their behaviour differently.

He kept defending himself, telling her that Boo was defiant and Toto was easily upset, and she asked me how I handled those aspects of their personalities. I told her that I treated them equally and consistently in terms of behavioral consequences and rewards, and therefore didn’t really see those behaviours at home. She seemed to doubt me, but I explained that I had done parenting courses early on, and had the ongoing support of a Child and Family Psychiatrist and had worked very hard on being consistent when it came to behavioral issues. The kids fought with each other, I got angry with them for procrastinating with chores etc, but nothing ever blew up into a drama. She believed me then.

DH kept referring to the number of nights that he had the boys to stay, and comparing his with his divorced friends. The counsellor explained to him that the number of nights has no bearing on the type of relationship that he could have with his children. She spelled it out by saying that many divorced parents who have equal time with their children have lousy relationships with them, and many who have only minimal access have wonderful relationships with them. It was about quality rather than quantity.

She also said that the situation would be different if he had ever lived with them.

Then she said that, in her opinion, based upon doing this job for 25 years, if he persisted with this court case his relationship with the boys would deteriorate dramatically. She said it was not necessarily fair, but that, because they had always lived with me and felt safe and secure with me, they would perceive his litigiousness as an attack upon me. DH said that that was because I was telling them that, and she emphasised that that was definitely not the case. She said that it was normal for boys to become their mothers' "White Knights". Even if that meant protecting her from their father.

She said that the one thing that we had both been doing right was not denigrating the other parent to the boys. She told him that the boys were aligned with me because I was the parent they wanted to live with, NOT because I had convinced them to say that to the court.

She said that both boys had told her about trying to tell DH that they didn't want to live with him, and about him telling them that they didn't know their own minds, and that they were being "manipulated" by me. She told him that that was detrimental to his relationship with them.

She then suggested that we meet with her again in order to draw up a Parenting Plan which would then be lodged with the court. She emphasised that, because of the boys’ ages, it would not really be enforceable, but that it would end the legal battle and would end the stress upon the boys.

Now, I agreed to this, and DH said yes, but he sounded insincere and I won’t believe it until I see it.

*sigh*

A lot of what was said was about DH and me resolving our differences and beginning a new co-parenting relationship for the sake of the kids.

I said that it would take more than a simple decision in order for that to happen.

I have too much anger. I don’t trust him.

He would need to offer to pay some or all of his debt to me. He would need to sincerely apologise to me. He would need to show me that he is trustworthy.

And he said that I would need to apologise to him for god knows’ what. Seriously. I don’t know what I need to apologise to him for. Oh, and that the debt would need to be wiped as he doesn't have the money to pay it and shouldn't have to go into bankruptcy.

Read the story of our breakup here, if you haven’t already.

He’s been the bastard for 11 years. I’ve reacted to him letting the boys down and lying to me, but I haven’t instigated nastiness or lied to him or cheated him or denied him access to his boys.

So, good luck to us on that one.

Of course I want it for the boys. And I said in that room that I would love to have a decent co-parenting relationship for the sake of the boys.

Maybe I’m not a big enough person. Maybe I’m too selfish. I know all of that stuff about how when you’re angry with someone else you’re only poisoning yourself.... but I am not a saint.

Enough. I’m totally knackered from re-living it for this post. There was heaps more. I may think of more later and edit.

In the meantime, the boys and I are going away for the weekend with a girlfriend of mine and her son, and we’re also taking my godson along. Should be lovely.