This may turn out to be only 24 hours of awful....

... but I'm going to share it anyway.

Two weeks ago I had a long overdue mammogram. I had been putting it off half subconsciously and half self-destructively in my haze of depression induced feelings of self-worthlessness.

You see, I have had a weird kind of lump on my nipple, which, even though my GP has told me looked pretty harmless, has had me worried. I've also had some mysterious pains in my armpit.

Don't yell at me for putting off getting myself checked out. I'm not strong enough to take it.

I went through this for the first time nearly 8 years ago. On September 11 2001, to be precise. And I received a diagnosis of breast cancer. I was one of the lucky ones. My cancer was removed by surgery and I had "clean margins" which meant that I was able to get away without having radiotherapy and chemotherapy. It was a risk (not having further treatment) that I was willing to take at that time as my boys were 3 and 4 years old and I was living on my own with them. I simply couldn't have managed.

An hour or so ago, I telephoned for the results of my mammogram and was immediately put through to a counsellor. She told me that they want me to return for further tests as soon as possible. Tomorrow, to be precise.

This does NOT mean that I definitely have a recurrence of my breast cancer. 9 out of 10 women who are recalled for further tests after a mammogram end up with a clean bill of health.

This DOES mean, however, that I am thrown back into the feelings of fear and anxiety and sadness.

This also means that I am thinking of all my dear dear friends who, after years of NED (No Evidence of Disease) had a recurrence from which they didn't recover.

I'm scared.

And although I know that there is a large chance that I have nothing to fear, I wish that I didn't have to go through this at all. And I pray that I'm strong enough to protect my children from picking up on my sadness and fear.

As I said in the heading, this may only be 24 hours of awful, but I'm putting it out there because I need your collective strength. There's just too much going on for me right now. I feel overwhelmed. I need to feel a part of something bigger than the turmoil that is my life.