Wednesday, although my darling Toto's birthday, was a terribly uncomfortable day for me. The helplessness of knowing that I had already contributed the very most that I could financially and that the Australian Red Cross will not accept my blood (lived in the UK during the Mad Cow outbreak) was leaving me unsettled and agitated.
And so I did some research and discovered that, although right now all local storage facilities for clothing donations for the victims of the Victorian Bushfires are filled to capacity, they will soon be desperate for more. I spent hours going through my cupboards and drawers.... removing every single item of clothing that I haven't worn in the last year.... and ended up with 5 garbage bags full of pretty good clothes. In many varied sizes.
I've added sheets, blankets and kitchen utensils, and will be giving them to the Salvation Army this week.
Still... I wish there was more that I could do to help.
I can't watch the news. I can't read the newpapers.
You see... I'm feeling very depressed. And the fact that there are so many people SO much worse off than me just makes me feel even more depressed. Because it makes me feel guilty for feeling so depressed. I feel as though I "should" be able to cope with my lot when all of those people have to cope with SO MUCH MORE. When, of course, this is not about choice at all.
This is one of those things that can be difficult to explain to someone who hasn't suffered from depression. And you'd probably be too kind to say it to my face, or to leave it in a comment, but I'm sure that the thoughts "Be strong! You'll get through it! You've got a roof over your head! You've got your boys!" have flickered through at least one of your minds. Well, I promise you that those are the thoughts that are constantly in my mind as I struggle to get out of bed, to wash, to function, to stop crying for more than a few minutes at a time.
On a good note, my friend is home from the hospital.... and doing well.
Thursday, February 12, 2009
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10 comments:
Nope - I never had any of those thoughts. The thoughts I have are all of admiration and awe at how amazingly well you get through incredibly trying circumstances. I am sure that you are far more critical of yourself than any of your friends would dream of being.
These fires have been rough on everybody I know, and I think it's been even harder on those of us with children. I think loving a child leaves you a little more raw, a little more fragile when it comes to the suffering of children.
Please don't be so hard on yourself. Many of us are feeling like big wobbly messes at the moment, good on you for searching out a way you can help, and doing that one thing that you can do that will make a difference to a family in need. Which reminds me, I just went through my wardrobe looking for stuff I no longer want - I should look again and see what I can find that will be of use to someone who needs it more than me. I am sure, with a different gaze, I will find much more that can be donated.
xoxoxox
((hugs)) I didn't think that at all, Fe. All I think is how amazing you are to get through this with your head held high and an incredible sense of compassion and humanity for your boys and others around you. Please don't add guilt at feeling depressed to your worries. Maybe I can't truly know how you're feeling or what you're going through, but I know it's not a choice, and I know that there's not a simple solution, because if there was you would have found it. I wish there was more I could do, but I hope that getting it out on the blog at least helps you to get some clarity. xoxo
I know what you mean about wishing you could do more to help. Boo and I have ended up with 2 boxes of toys that she no longer plays with (or never played with) that we are taking to Toll Express tomorrow who are doing a toy run to Victoria on Monday.
The hardest thing with material donations from Perth is finding someone taking them east and ensuring they get to where you want them to get to... so for now the clothes are waiting!
I think you are amazing in the fact that you are trying your hardest to help others, even when you are feeling pretty crap yourself. When I was grieving and suffering depression, the tsunami hit Asia. I did nothing helpful for these people, instead I selfishly wallowed in my depression and grief. I am ashamed to say, I didn't show such huge compassion for others as you are showing now :(
My mother actually did say to me "You will get through this, you have a roof over your head, and there are people worse off than you, that have lost everything!"
(((HUGS))) xxx
Fe, your strength and honesty are amazing. I would never, could never, think that you should be doing any differently. I know a bit of what you mean. I can't stop thinking of all of those families. I have stopped sleeping. I don't suffer from depression but when I am feeling stressed, I just don't sleep.
It says a lot who you are that you are so filled with compassion for all of those who are suffering, even through your own personal stuff. Don't be too hard on yourself. I admire you tremendously. We all just do what we can.
Glad your friend is out of hospital.
xx
Fe, I understand.
I'm so sorry you are struggling. I wish I could take it all away. You are so much to everybody and your strength is amazing.
I felt guilty for having had good news during this time of devastation.
Fe, Fe, Fe,
We have been through this before! No comparing awfulness, my friend. The fact that horrible losses have occurred for people because of the bushfires does not minimize what you are going through. You are doing what you can for them. Thinking that you should just "suck it up" and not be upset by the awfulness in your life doesn't help the fire victims or your mental health.
I saw a news bit on US TV about a koala who was rescued with severe burns and is now in a rehab center. There is coverage of the fires here. Parochial as US news is, this was big enough that it is being covered.
I don't think anyone expects you to do more than you can. Please, please don't be so hard on yourself.
Just quietly, I think you're quite amazing.
Make sure you mark your donations "for the Victorian Bushfire Appeal" or similar, or they will just get distributed locally, (I read that on the Red Cross site I think)
I have a huge bag of babies/kids clothes at home to donate too, better get onto that.
Hello, Fe. I like your honesty. Depression is such a horrible thing to deal with and no, no-one really understands unless they have been there themselves. My motto became "this too shall pass", because I learned that if I wait long enough, feeling better is inevitable. The trouble I find, is the waiting for that improvement in my mental state. thankfully, I'm on steady ground now and hoping to stay that way.
I think we judge ourselves very harshly and make ourselves pay more severely for our failures than others would have us do. Our self-esteem gets battered and the joy goes out of life. Be gentle with yourself. Others here obviously think you're worth much more than you perhaps give yourself credit for. Cheers.
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