Bastard....

Toto is a mess.

It started when he came home from DH's on Sunday night with homework not done. Grrrrr. We stayed up trying to finish it, but he was stressed about the court hearing and so we left a few things undone. He and Boo were also dead tired after two very late nights and early mornings. Oh, and their school uniforms were not washed. Grrrr.

Today, at the school gate, I had a word to the School Principal. He's a really lovely man, and was very pleased that I had told him what was going on. I simply asked that he keep an eye on Toto, and he said that Toto or I must feel free to visit him or the Year 7 advisor if he ever needed to talk to anyone.

I tried to make tonight a celebration. And initially it was. But the weight of now thinking that whatever the boys tell their lawyers will decide the case one way or another is tearing Toto apart. Boo seems okay. He still says that he is scared of DH's reaction to whatever he says (via a lawyer or to his face) but he's taking my words as literal and is not feeling pressure. Toto is unable to believe me. I guess it's because he's just that little bit older and that little bit more anxious.

Tonight he's struggling with much more homework. This is the reality of Year 7 for all of our kids. It's such a HUGE leap from primary school to high school in terms of organisation and volume of work. But this particular boy is being forced by his father to continue after school training and weekend sport (even though he's now got in-school representative sport) when he doesn't want to because he knows that he won't be able to cope with it on top of his homework. I've emailed DH explaining why Toto wants to give it up, but he's ignoring my emails.

Toto sees it as another level of powerlessness. And it is. It's another example of DH not listening to his child. Not considering his child.

And that child sat up late here with me struggling with homework and a perceived burden for the outcome of a family court case. And he just doesn't believe me when I tell him that their IS NO BURDEN. It's all about truth, which is why someone else will make a decision. And that all he has to do is be honest. And that either outcome will be okay. We'll make it work. And that he is not responsible for my or DH's happiness. And that nothing in the world could ever change how I feel about him.

Am I messing up here? I don't know what else I can do. The circumstances were and are such that I cannot hide the fact that there IS a court case from him, but of course he knows NOTHING of the contents or details.

Toto wants to see someone to talk about this stuff. A counsellor. And the thing that is killing me right now is that I am not allowed to take him to any counsellor as it WILL be construed as me trying to coerce him or have him "taught" what to say to the court when his turn comes. When all I want to do is help my aching child.

I'd like to write to the School Principal and arrange to talk with him because surely, as a Christian school, they provide Pastoral Care? I am worried, however, because DH's sister teaches there, and has taught there for nearly 8 years. I'm just not quite sure about whether she would use this against me as a means for her brothers' quest.

Bastard..... How could anyone knowingly do this to their children? And he DOES know, because the children and I have tried to tell him. He just needs to win at any cost. My brother told me today that feels sorry for ALL of us. DH included. I tried that emotion on for a second or two. And then shrugged it off in a shudder of revulsion. I cannot empathise with this man. Eleven years of being at the receiving end of his treatment of me and my children has taught me that.