I’m still in a dark dark place... and the energy required to do the things that I HAVE to do leaves me totally and utterly depleted. But I’m still here... and I draw strength and a feeling of connection by reading all my fave bloggy-friends’ posts.
My friend is back in the hospital. In fact, since I last wrote about her, she’s been in and out three times. You can only imagine how awful this has been. I remain optimistic about her long term recovery, however, and this helps me keep in touch with the sliver of hope that my own “funk” will ease soon.
DH has been overstepping his boundaries with the boys. He telephones them every day and night, and yesterday he actually picked them up from school and took them for a “play” WITHOUT TELLING ME. He’s doing this to try to prove to a registrar that he is a great Dad, and to try to make up to the boys for years of not giving a shit, but you don’t do that to a mother who is worried sick because her 10 year old son is 15 minutes late home from school. My brain is imploding because apparently if a mother does this she is “clingy” and “invasive” but if a father does this he is “caring” and “enthusiastic”.
And of course Toto and Boo are trying to look after me emotionally. I try SO hard to hide this stuff from them.... SO hard. But it’s impossible to hide the puffy eyes from crying all day, or the burnt dinner from forgetting that I was cooking at all, or the anger with their father for bringing them home with homework undone and school clothes unwashed, and for interrupting our time together every day.
Mainly it’s just the fact that I cry at the drop of a pin.
This is so not good at this point in the legal proceedings. It’s such a catch-22. If it wasn’t for the legal stuff I wouldn’t BE in this depressive episode. And that’s where my brain catches fire and starts melting and my tear ducts develop a mind of their own.
Still, the boys seem to be okay. Boo laughed at me the other day when I was trying to say something positive about DH. He laughed in a comfortable way... and said “Mum, I know you’re trying to make us feel better, but you don’t have to lie”. It’s so tempting to say “Phew! Okay! Thanks babe..... let’s talk about what a total dish-rag he is!” but no.... I said “I’m not lying darling. ALL parents argue sometimes. Daddy and I don’t agree on what’s best for you at the moment, that’s all.” vomit.puke.bullsh*t.
Saturday, February 21, 2009
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14 comments:
That's the trouble with being clever, your kids turn out clever too.
I ache for the pain you are going through darling. Makes me want to drop around with (Vegan) chicken soup and fresh baked bread. But Boo hates my cooking :)
Love you!
Oh Fe. I'm so sorry that all of this is getting so huge.I want to scream when I read about his latest antics. I have been having some problems with the ex lately too and can so relate to that feeling of having to pull out that positive comment about their father. So hard.
You are doing a great job under the most trying of circumstances. Thinking of you and hoping.
You have done a wonderful job raising those boys. Me, a complete stranger can see that from reading your recollections of conversations with them, I have no doubt the courts will pick up on that very quickly.
I'm going to totally overstep my boundaries here, because as mentioned above, we don't know each other at all, but I was once in the same situations. And I used to cry at a pin drop. I had so much going on that I couldn't handle even the most mundane unfortunate circumstances without losing my shit altogether.
I touch on it a little here, if you're interested:
http://sherendipity.com/blog/archives/630
What I'm saying is, there IS help, and it DOES make it better, and there's NO shame in asking for a helping hand once in a while.
Good luck, my darling.
Thanks SO much everyone. It took me a week to write that post. And almost left comments off because I didn't want to seem needy and asking everyone for support. But your support is tear-jerkingly heartlifting.
Lara... I lOVE your cooking. Boo hates everything except salt and carbs. Thanks babe. when I can lift my head up you'll be the first to know. xoxo
Ali.... It helps enormously to know that I'm not alone with the ex stuff. And to read how you've overcome and survived and are such a great mum. Thanks for your boost of confidence. xx
Sherry... Wow. Your post was so gut-wrenchingly honest and pretty much described how I spend my time with and without kids right now. Thank you SO much for directing me to it. I am getting help. I've had 10 years of help... ever since I spent 2 months in a psychiatric hospital after Boo was born. I have tried a gazillion anti-depressants and am now on 2 mood-stabilizers which work more consistently than any of the other things I've taken. I also see a shrink weekly.
Problem is... this stress is so huge that even someone with no history of mental illness would be struggling (or so I tell myself in order to try to be kind to my harsher internal voice).
But I don't reach out beyond my professional helper .... except here. So thank you again for your honest and much appreciated comment.
You're no stranger here. xox
Oh hon, I am so sorry you're feeling like this at the moment. I have been thinking about you and hoping you were OK. You know how I feel about DH and the crap he pulls. I so wish you didn't have to go through this. Don't beat yourself up about your emotions. Your boys are so clever and you are doing such a fantastic job of shielding them from so much of this. I know what its like to feel you have to hold it all in to protect them, but I don't think them seeing that you're finding the situation stressful is such a bad thing. As hard as we try to protect them from the hard stuff, you have to look after yourself too. Maybe they're old enough to know that you find it hard to deal with the way DH is acting, but that you still beleive they should have a good relationship with their father, despite how you feel about him? I don't know - you could make that call better than anyone (you know them best, after all).
I hope it helped to get it out here, specially if you can't talk to any IRL friends. Please, please call if you need to talk. Whatever I can do, let me know, whether its to vent, rant, cry, scream - whatever you need. xoxo
I've been worrying about you and how you are dealing with everything going on in your life at the moment.
Your DH makes me so angry, and I'm not the one dealing with him.
I don't have any advice but just know I'm here feeling the pain your sharing.
xxx
I wish I was more able to offer advice and support but everyone else has said it better than I can. However I won't let that stop me from commenting and sending internet love and support!
Fe,
I wish there was something I could do for you.
Personally, I still think my idea of a hitman is a good one.
You are such an amazing Mum.
I'm with Tiff - lets go 50% 50% on the job - is chopper free ??
oh hon your saddness and tears are well placed. your boys are amazing and your mothering under fire is outstanding.
if only there was a crystall ball we could look into and see your future happiness secured ... my best to you le
For a start, you are dealing with a lot. I have been the mainstay of someone who I think (reading between the lines) was in the same state as your friend, and you would do anything for them but it does also mean there is less for you. I don't know a solution.
DH has no right to do such things. What does your present CO say? He is interfering with your ability to parent, and if you pulled that on him when he had them you would be hauled over coals. Document, document, document. I think if put forward rationally, most logical people would look at his behaviour and say "WTF are you doing?"
Oh - and getting a helping hand - whether it be herbal and natural or medication - for when life overwhelms DOES NOT MEAN you are a diagnosable condition.
Being able to cope is something we all aspire to, but when life keeps throwing more and more curve balls, it is okay to scream at the world and let go for a few moments - a good cry does help.
Don't lie to your kids. Just tell them it is grown up stuff he doesn't need to worry about, but you don't have to make the other into a paragon of what he is not. Sure, don't highlight his inadequacies to them, but you don't need to put any extra effort into anything but coping right now.
Hugs.
How I wish I could say or do something - anything - but no, I can't. But I am reading and nodding and listening, if that's any consolation at all.
hello fe - I posted a little something on my blog that might make you laugh (or cry) or remember what it was like when the kids where learning how to sleep in big beds !!
hello you - just popping by to say you are loved - le xoxo
me again ... I read an extract in the paper today that was so you .. all the angst, betrayal and pain, the ups and downs ... all the horrid in with slowly healing ... hugs babe le xoxo
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