Darkness....

I’m still in a dark dark place... and the energy required to do the things that I HAVE to do leaves me totally and utterly depleted. But I’m still here... and I draw strength and a feeling of connection by reading all my fave bloggy-friends’ posts.

My friend is back in the hospital. In fact, since I last wrote about her, she’s been in and out three times. You can only imagine how awful this has been. I remain optimistic about her long term recovery, however, and this helps me keep in touch with the sliver of hope that my own “funk” will ease soon.

DH has been overstepping his boundaries with the boys. He telephones them every day and night, and yesterday he actually picked them up from school and took them for a “play” WITHOUT TELLING ME. He’s doing this to try to prove to a registrar that he is a great Dad, and to try to make up to the boys for years of not giving a shit, but you don’t do that to a mother who is worried sick because her 10 year old son is 15 minutes late home from school. My brain is imploding because apparently if a mother does this she is “clingy” and “invasive” but if a father does this he is “caring” and “enthusiastic”.

And of course Toto and Boo are trying to look after me emotionally. I try SO hard to hide this stuff from them.... SO hard. But it’s impossible to hide the puffy eyes from crying all day, or the burnt dinner from forgetting that I was cooking at all, or the anger with their father for bringing them home with homework undone and school clothes unwashed, and for interrupting our time together every day.

Mainly it’s just the fact that I cry at the drop of a pin.

This is so not good at this point in the legal proceedings. It’s such a catch-22. If it wasn’t for the legal stuff I wouldn’t BE in this depressive episode. And that’s where my brain catches fire and starts melting and my tear ducts develop a mind of their own.

Still, the boys seem to be okay. Boo laughed at me the other day when I was trying to say something positive about DH. He laughed in a comfortable way... and said “Mum, I know you’re trying to make us feel better, but you don’t have to lie”. It’s so tempting to say “Phew! Okay! Thanks babe..... let’s talk about what a total dish-rag he is!” but no.... I said “I’m not lying darling. ALL parents argue sometimes. Daddy and I don’t agree on what’s best for you at the moment, that’s all.” vomit.puke.bullsh*t.

Happy Bah Humbug...

Agitation...

Wednesday, although my darling Toto's birthday, was a terribly uncomfortable day for me.  The helplessness of knowing that I had already contributed the very most that I could financially and that the Australian Red Cross will not accept my blood (lived in the UK during the Mad Cow outbreak) was leaving me unsettled and agitated.

And so I did some research and discovered that, although right now all local storage facilities for clothing donations for the victims of the Victorian Bushfires are filled to capacity, they will soon be desperate for more.  I spent hours going through my cupboards and drawers.... removing every single item of clothing that I haven't worn in the last year.... and ended up with 5 garbage bags full of pretty good clothes.  In many varied sizes.

I've added sheets, blankets and kitchen utensils, and will be giving them to the Salvation Army this week.

Still... I wish there was more that I could do to help.

I can't watch the news.  I can't read the newpapers.

You see... I'm feeling very depressed.  And the fact that there are so many people SO much worse off than me just makes me feel even more depressed.  Because it makes me feel guilty for feeling so depressed.  I feel as though I "should" be able to cope with my lot when all of those people have to cope with SO MUCH MORE.  When, of course, this is not about choice at all.

This is one of those things that can be difficult to explain to someone who hasn't suffered from depression.  And you'd probably be too kind to say it to my face, or to leave it in a comment, but I'm sure that the thoughts  "Be strong!  You'll get through it!  You've got a roof over your head!  You've got your boys!" have flickered through at least one of your minds.  Well, I promise you that those are the thoughts that are constantly in my mind as I struggle to get out of bed, to wash, to function, to stop crying for more than a few minutes at a time.

On a good note, my friend is home from the hospital.... and doing well.

Happy Birthday Toto!!

Dearest Toto,

Thank you for choosing me to be your Mummy.

In your life thus far, you have taught me so much about loving, being loved, patience, kindness and true joy.

I cannot imagine my world without you in it.

I love you to the moon and back. Times infinity. And more. No returns.

Your Mummy.

Bogus Charities...

The next round of leeches and bloodsuckers.

Please give your hard earned donations to the following charities only:

• The Australian Red Cross Victorian Bushfire Appeal
  
• The Salvation Army

... and be wary of any collection points that you do not know already, and trust implicitly.

And please give blood if you possibly can.

Are you kidding me?

Go here to read the first of what will probably be many completely insane nutjobs trying to use the death and destruction of the bushfires to advance their own purposes.

Can there be any lower form of life?

Top Gear Live...

Today really feels like a day of mourning here in Australia. The death toll from the bushfires keeps rising (currently 76, and 700 homes completely destroyed) and hundreds, if not thousands, of our countrymen will get no sleep tonight as they try to protect their property and their lives.

Those of us who are safe are feeling helpless. A quick tour through many of my favourite blogs shows that this issue is first in all our minds. I guess all we can do right now is donate money or clothes / bedding / toys, and ensure that we don't waste a drop of water... so that all possible can be directed towards the bushfires.

As well as sorrow and helplessness, I'm also feeling a rage so deep that it has not reached the surface yet. These fires were lit intentionally. It's unfathomable. Unspeakable.

We in Sydney have had our 40+ degree weekend this weekend. And while most people were travelling from the hotter inland western suburbs to the cooler eastern and northern beaches, my boys and I travelled in the exact opposite direction. Our behaviour was SO unusual today, that we had practically the entire train to ourselves.

So... we sweated our way west.......


... until we reached nirvana.

Oh yes, we went to the "Top Gear Live" performance! Nirvana for a boy about to turn 12 AND for his brother and his Mum. It's absolutely our favourite telly programme and when we heard that they were coming to Australia, we just couldn't resist.

It was hot.

And a big part of the experience was walking around looking at sexy cars that cost more than most houses. In the heat.

Formula One vehicle and fans!

And then we went inside into the bliss of the airconditioning... to our nosebleed seats, two rows from the top.


... for an exciting show filled with gasoline, testoterone, inappropriate sexual inuendo and a finale of car-soccer!

It was fun. Exhausting but fun.

And then we struggled with 90 minutes of non-airconditioned trains to get home.

"Mum! Look! An Alien must have been murdered there!! Green Blood!"

Guera Parkinson presents....

About a month ago I put my hand up to be interviewed for a meme by the wonderful Guera.

Here 'tis...

1. What's the most outrageous thing you've ever done?

The most outrageous thing I’ve ever done has been to pack up and leave Australia on my own without a plan. I had a vague idea of heading west to east around the world, but other than that, I was open to universal intervention and whim.

That trip ended up lasting about 4 years longer than initially planned, and brought more riches into my life (friendships, experiences) than I could have imagined. It also brought drama and some horrendous experiences, but even those are experiences that I’m glad I’ve had, and that I’ve learned and grown from.

2. I know you've lived in and visited some amazing places around the globe. If you could travel anywhere in the world (and money was no object) where would you go and why?

My answer to this one changes daily. The problem with having lived in so many places is that I have developed such close friendships with people who live so far away from me. Most days I’d make my choice depending upon the friend that I’m missing the most.

I have an incredibly soft spot for Scotland. In particular, the north-east coast. It might be because of a genetic disposition towards my ancestor’s homeland. It might be because one of my closest friends lives in Glasgow. But I suspect it’s because I am deeply moved by dramatic, changing and unpopulated scenery. I truly feel at peace there.

I also love the south of Italy. Love love love it! I would LOVE to take my boys on a road trip along the Mediterranean Sea from Italy to France, in an open-top car. I would need a ginormous amount of money to that, however! There’s something very frivolous about that part of Europe (in my humble opinion!). I don’t know how else to describe it. It’s not a place I would like to live, and it’s far too crowded for an extended holiday, but a road trip is the perfect way to observe and enjoy from a distance.

3. They’re turning the story of your life into movie. What’s the title and the genre?

This is the hardest question for me of all of them! The genre is definitely Drama. No doubt about that. I don’t feel clever enough or objective enough to make up a title, but if I had to brainstorm one, I’d probably start with “Waiting to climb off the Merry-Go-Round” or something similar. Not clever or zippy enough, but it expresses how I feel.

4. How has blogging changed you?

I was discussing this in a round-about way this morning, with my Glaswegian friend mentioned above. I’m actually not very comfortable sharing my feelings with others irl (in real life) and although I have many friends, I have very few with whom I allow myself to truly feel vulnerable. I'm good at talking about myself quite honestly in terms of retrospective experiences, but when I'm in the middle of things and most needing support, those closest to me are used to hearing me say “I just can’t talk about it right now” and sometimes that “right now” lasts for ever.

Which means that blogging has had an incredibly positive influence on my ability to cope with the drama that life throws my way. I am more comfortably vulnerable in this environment than I am in any other. In other words, I am learning to accept support comfortably.

Perhaps it’s to do with why I chose to become a psychotherapist. I’m much more comfortable listening to and supporting others than I am allowing someone to listen to and support me. And yet here, on my blog, I cherish every supportive commenter and every lurker...

5. What is the worst and best jobs you've ever had?

Worst job was selling advertising space for an Art and Antiques Magazine in London. I am SO not a salesperson!

Best job.... motherhood. That was easy. If you’re going to push it and ask me for my best paid job, I’d have to say it’s my work as a psychotherapist. Being paid to help and support others without revealing anything of myself is about as perfect as it gets for me (see question 4!).

Now, if you’d like to be interviewed by me, here’s what you need to do:

• Send me an email or a comment saying: “Interview Me”
• I will respond by emailing you five questions. I get to pick the questions. You can then answer the questions on your blog.
• You should also post these rules along with an offer to interview anyone else who emails you or comments that they want to be interviewed.

I can't promise that I'll be able to think up scintillating questions, but I'll give it a shot.

The recovery....

Firstly, thank you SO MUCH to everyone for your wonderful words of support, encouragement and advice.

I did speak with Toto's Year 7 Advisor. I telephoned him this morning and asked him to keep an eye on Toto. I explained what was going on, and told him that Toto was extremely distressed and anxious and needed to know that there was someone in the school that he could talk to. I also asked him to please be discrete. He wasn't very comforting, but did say that he would talk to Toto during the day.

I then apologised to my Mum. She said that she understood.

I spent three hours sitting at the hospital with my friend today. She was re-admitted yesterday, after a couple of weeks of sliding backwards. It's so sad. So sad for her and so sad for her family. Still, she has a treatment plan and I'm confident that she won't be in there for nearly as long this time.

It did wear me out though. She relies upon me to convince her that she is capable of recovery. I know that I have to look after myself right now, in order to be able to look after my own family, but I can't refuse her in this time of need. I just can't.

By the time I got to Toto's school to collect him, I had a plan for a "recovery evening" for the three of us. It included a bit of baking, a favourite dinner, and a reward for completion of homework (a neck massage, a back tickle and favourite bedtime story).

By absolute chance, I met with the Year 7 advisor at the school gate, and he was much warmer in person. It's possible he's just not comfortable on the telephone. He was very understanding and supportive and reassured me immensely. By chance again, I met with the Principal and had another conversation with him about the situation. I was careful about what I said (I save my DH bagging for my blog) and kept my concerns limited to the impact of the court case on Toto, not the cause or content. He was wonderful. Absolutely wonderful.

And so, despite Toto and I having to lug his incredibly heavy cricket bag home on public transport, our recovery evening went beautifully to plan.

We baked brownies....

Licking the bowl while sitting in front of the oven watching the brownies baking

EDITED TO REMOVE CUTE PHOTO OF BOO LICKING THE INSIDE OF THE BOWL AT THE REQUEST (DEMAND, THREATENED TANTRUM) OF BOO

"Boo, could you get your head any further inside that bowl?"

Completed all the homework.....

...and laughed together more than we have in weeks. It was perfect.

(and I know that they're in their underwear, but it's the first thing they do when they get in the door! Go figure!)

Oh... and on top of that...

my dear friend is back in the psychiatric hospital.

The stars are just not lining up right now.

Bastard....

Toto is a mess.

It started when he came home from DH's on Sunday night with homework not done. Grrrrr. We stayed up trying to finish it, but he was stressed about the court hearing and so we left a few things undone. He and Boo were also dead tired after two very late nights and early mornings. Oh, and their school uniforms were not washed. Grrrr.

Today, at the school gate, I had a word to the School Principal. He's a really lovely man, and was very pleased that I had told him what was going on. I simply asked that he keep an eye on Toto, and he said that Toto or I must feel free to visit him or the Year 7 advisor if he ever needed to talk to anyone.

I tried to make tonight a celebration. And initially it was. But the weight of now thinking that whatever the boys tell their lawyers will decide the case one way or another is tearing Toto apart. Boo seems okay. He still says that he is scared of DH's reaction to whatever he says (via a lawyer or to his face) but he's taking my words as literal and is not feeling pressure. Toto is unable to believe me. I guess it's because he's just that little bit older and that little bit more anxious.

Tonight he's struggling with much more homework. This is the reality of Year 7 for all of our kids. It's such a HUGE leap from primary school to high school in terms of organisation and volume of work. But this particular boy is being forced by his father to continue after school training and weekend sport (even though he's now got in-school representative sport) when he doesn't want to because he knows that he won't be able to cope with it on top of his homework. I've emailed DH explaining why Toto wants to give it up, but he's ignoring my emails.

Toto sees it as another level of powerlessness. And it is. It's another example of DH not listening to his child. Not considering his child.

And that child sat up late here with me struggling with homework and a perceived burden for the outcome of a family court case. And he just doesn't believe me when I tell him that their IS NO BURDEN. It's all about truth, which is why someone else will make a decision. And that all he has to do is be honest. And that either outcome will be okay. We'll make it work. And that he is not responsible for my or DH's happiness. And that nothing in the world could ever change how I feel about him.

Am I messing up here? I don't know what else I can do. The circumstances were and are such that I cannot hide the fact that there IS a court case from him, but of course he knows NOTHING of the contents or details.

Toto wants to see someone to talk about this stuff. A counsellor. And the thing that is killing me right now is that I am not allowed to take him to any counsellor as it WILL be construed as me trying to coerce him or have him "taught" what to say to the court when his turn comes. When all I want to do is help my aching child.

I'd like to write to the School Principal and arrange to talk with him because surely, as a Christian school, they provide Pastoral Care? I am worried, however, because DH's sister teaches there, and has taught there for nearly 8 years. I'm just not quite sure about whether she would use this against me as a means for her brothers' quest.

Bastard..... How could anyone knowingly do this to their children? And he DOES know, because the children and I have tried to tell him. He just needs to win at any cost. My brother told me today that feels sorry for ALL of us. DH included. I tried that emotion on for a second or two. And then shrugged it off in a shudder of revulsion. I cannot empathise with this man. Eleven years of being at the receiving end of his treatment of me and my children has taught me that.

Okay.... breathe....

Round one is over.

I don’t know what the worst of my physical reaction to the stress was. I’ve had trouble breathing all morning, and my hands were shaking and my eyeballs seemed to literally twitch from side-to-side when I tried to focus on anything (I haven’t had that reaction before).

But now I’m home and can breathe.

It’s not good news, but it’s most definitely not the bad news that I was dreading, so I’m feeling pretty good. Well, I’m emotional and teary to be honest. I want it to be over, and it’s not going to be for a long time.

It is SO vile to sit across from DH in the Family Court waiting area. Suddenly it’s 10.5 years ago and we’re in the same room going through the same process. Only then I was 39 weeks pregnant-fat, and now I’m just fat-fat. He hasn’t changed though. Still looks like neanderthal man.

And I want to be able to contact Toto and Boo to let them know that, for the moment, they will still be living with me. Last night they were both so scared and worried about suddenly having to move to DH’s.

Yes, that’s the good news.

But it’s only because the Interim Hearing was delayed in order to appoint an Independent Children’s Lawyer (ICL) for the boys. DH and I also have to see a Family Court Counsellor (not together, thank God). Oh and DH’s lawyer has applied for extra time to respond to my response to his Application. Because (as she said to the Judicial Registrar) the Respondent (moi) has made some serious allegations. Har. She also wants to subpoena my shrink and GP ... obviously trying to prove me unfit.

The Interim Hearing (barring delays) should now be in about 10 - 12 weeks. That’s dependent upon the ICL and the court-appointed Counsellor that DH and I have to see.

He’s digging his heels in. My WISH was that he and his lawyer would read my affidavit and realise that he wasn’t going to win and would back down. That hasn’t happened.

So... it’s the long haul. And the big money. Although THAT part of it doesn’t seem to worry DH.

A BIG BIG day....

Toto started high school today. He has gone from his local primary school, which is within walking distance, to a Cathedral College in the centre of the city. And I swear the boy I caught public transport into the city with this morning, was a young man when he arrived home.

Toto on his first day of Kindy in 2002

Toto on his first day of High School in 2009

Exhuasted from carrying every single textbook for the year in his backpack

Contemplating the beginning of the next phase of his life

Oh. He loved it. Thank goodness.

Some holiday snaps...

I should SO be asleep. But I'm not. Too much going on in this noggin (Aussie slang for brain) of mine. So here are some more holiday snaps.

We're ba-ack....

Phew. It was wonderful weather... stunning location... great fun..... but hard work too. Poor Boo was ill with a tummy virus that lasted for the whole second half of the holiday. This meant that the three of us stayed indoors and close to the ... umm ... loo (poor thing would DIE if he knew I was blogging about this).

And they're still not really old enough to help me with the major logistical stuff ... like packing the car and putting on bike racks etc... so the effort of coming home has exhausted me.

That, and the fact that I had to spend another 4 hours on the affidavit tonight in order to get it ready for my meeting with the lawyer tomorrow morning.

Oh, and that DH has objected to a complaint that I lodged, and won, with the Child Support Agency. Not even to do with his assessment! He has lodged his complaint with the Social Services Tribunal which means a whole 'nother round of statements, lodgements and hearing dates.

Seems like this morning when I woke to the sound of the waves breaking on the beach was a million years ago.

Introducing.... The Letter M....

My wonderful crazy friend Lorrie from Our Name Is Blog (who will always be famous in my home for sending my whatever clock to me airmail!) *breathe* , had this wonderful post on her blog.

Of course I put my hand up for a letter... and was issued with the Letter M.

The rules are ..... hey it's actually way simpler than that! I just have to list 10 Favourite Things that begin with the Letter M.

Here goes...

1. Mess. The simple fact of parenthood means that I have had to learn to embrace mess. Don't get me wrong... I can happily ignore a pile of clothes on the clothes horse in my bedroom, but it's taken me ages to learn to love the mess in the boys' room. Except the day before the cleaner is coming. And then I need to remind myself that I would be worried about my boys if they were clutter-free and organised.

2. Mum. Wow. Were would I be without my Mum?

3. Motherhood. I am so lucky that I get to live with my boys. As you all know, my world has been a bit challenging lately. They are my constants.

4. Manual setting on my DSLR camera. Now that I know how to use it properly, it's opened a whole new world up to me.

5. Mac. ALL things Mac. I'm unashamadly a Mac junkie. And I'm counting down the weeks until I can get another iPhone (did I tell you that my iPhone became an iBrick in July?).

6. Music - Mozart, Maroon 5, Matchbook Twenty, Me'Shell Ndegeocello, Mike Oldfield, Missy Higgins to name but a few favourites starting with "M".

7. Mystery. You know.... in that we have no idea what life will deal out to us tomorrow or the next day or the next year blah de blah. I know I've done a fair bit of venting here on my blog lately, but I absolutely know that this is just a difficult period. The mystery of life is that there is always good around the corner. Even when it's hard to imagine.

8. Mammals. Kangaroos in particular. The only kangaroo I ever saw while I was growing up was "Skippy" (on the telly). But for the last 6 years my boys and I have made friends with the kangaroos that live in the National Park that borders our holiday camp. They sleep in the National Park, but come to the camping ground every morning and evening to scrounge food and neck-scratches from the thrilled holiday makers. One of them bounds up to greet Toto every year.... sometimes with a new Joey in her pouch! They stick near our cabin when we're there and like sitting about 3 feet away from us... just watching.... and occasionally ambling over for a back scratch.

9. Memories. I feel as though I have so few. I'm not sure if it's because of the depression or the medication for the depression, but I struggle to remember even quite recent things sometimes. Perhaps that's why I take so many photographs. Anyway, the memories that I do have are double-y precious to me.

10. Mandarins (eating them on the beach on a hot summer day). Nothing beats it. The sun beating down, salty-crusty skin from swimming in the sea, mandarin juice dribbling down your sandy face and hands. Yum!

Gratitude... the dark side...

Kim has started a gratitude journal. I'm so jealous! It's a great idea and I NEED to do that right now to focus on all that's good in my life.

But first... I have a few entries for the RESENTMENT journal that I have to get off my chest.

1. I'm so bloody resentful of the fact that you sever all contact between me and my boys when you have them. Excuses like "I don't listen to voice messages" "You should have left a text" "I didn't get your text" "I wanted a few days without checking my phone" "I don't answer Private Numbers" just don't wash. You're a bastard for a million and one things, but this one is just unnecessary and cruel to THEM as well as me.

2. Your inconsideration and selfishness flashes in FLURO when you send me an email telling me.... yes TELLING ME... when you'll be having the kids, and then a text TELLING ME you'll be dropping them off two days earlier. Only you don't mention the fact that it's two days earlier... you just say Tuesday instead of Thursday. You do this a lot.

3. It drives me insane that you lie. All the time. And although this should make it easier for me to prove to a Child Support Agency representative, or a Family Court Magistrate that you are a lying piece of trash... it doesn't. Most people, in my opinion, like to believe other people. And you present well. You have perfected the "poor neglected father who would have loved to have been with his children growing up except that his ex-wife was such a horrible monster (she was hospitalised with post natal depression nudge wink) who made his life SO incredibly nightmarishly ghoulishly unhappy that he HAD to leave pregnant her and his child after 9 whole months of parenthood because that was in the best interests of the children and who has been giving every penny that he has earned in the last 10 years to provide for his children... and who only went on overseas holidays 10 or 12 times during this period to cope with the stress of dealing with such an awful ex-wife... and who is the only self-employed plumber in Sydney who employs 4 or 5 people who pays himself minimal income and is not hiding money in order to avoid paying child support" story. Which means that it's down to me to re-live the whole saga every time I have to prove that you're lying.

4. I resent the *%^$ out of the fact that you have kept this up for 11 years as of yesterday. You have treated me as though I have wronged you in some way. This is because I would not take you back all those times that you asked me to over the first few years. You blame me for "depriving" you of your family. You cannot see beyond that. You cannot see that once you had walked out on me during the most incredibly difficult period of my life, sustained that absence, told me that you had involved yourself romantically with others while you were still with me and treated me as a doormat.... I had a choice. If I took you back, I would have had my eyes wide open. I would have had to have believed that I deserved to be treated that way. I didn't. And I don't. But you found another way to keep me "down". And you have sustained it.

5. I resent (abhor, detest, loath) the fact that you treat our children as pawns in this battle of yours. That you didn't take advantage of the fact that I have never EVER denied you access to our children and that you were so obsessed with your own selfish wants and needs that you haven't thought of THEIR wants and needs. They needed a role-model for their future roles as husband and father and all they got was you. They wanted a father who would love them unconditionally and treat their mother with respect and all they got was you. And now that they're entering their vulnerable teenage years, you "want" to have them live with you half of the time and you "want" to have legal rights over them. You have no concern for what they need. They need consistency. They need to know what kind of parenting they will be receiving. They need to stay with the parent who has put in the hard yards of love and discipline and parenting. They need to maintain the status quo. And you can't see that their decision on this is based upon your past behaviour. You think that they are being manipulated by me. That's because you don't know what it is to put someone elses needs above your own.

I could go on. But I'm shaking and tearful and emotional and want to get you out of my head.

*shake head*

My lawyer is back from his holidays this week. I have two appointments with him to finalise our stuff for the court date. I also have an appointment with my accountant to see if there's anything else I need to do for the 4 years of tax returns that I have to lodge by February. I also have an appointment with the Child Support Agency regarding my Change of Assessment Application.

And then my boys and I have 10 days on a beach on the South Coast of NSW.

And then we come back to face Family Court, new school years (and a new school for Toto) and whatever else life throws our way.

I am exhausted. Understandably. I have been working 12+ hours a day on legal and tax and Child Support stuff. This is a full time job right now.

So... things I am grateful for....

1. My healthy, loving and beautiful boys (if you don't count the end stages of whooping cough!).

2. My parents.

3. My friends.

4. I want to say my health, but I have neglected it lately and need to get it back. So, my ability to be healthy.

5. That, even though I can't afford it, I continue to re-book our annual beach holiday. If I didn't have that to look forward to, I would be too overwhelmed to pull myself out of this mire.

I will work on more things to be grateful for. I promise.

Ouch...

I've spent the last 28 or so hours in migraine-hell.

It shouldn't really be surprising. The boys were with DH, I had planned to spend the time doing my tax and meeting some of my Sydney blogging friends... and so *WHAM* I got struck down with the agony that only ever comes when the pressure is slightly lifted.

Funnily enough, I spent some of my "awake-in-agony" time trying to focus on things to blog about.

And now can't think of a single one of them.

Ow. That's enough. Screen's too bright.

Blog-block...

I have it.

Blog-block.

It must exist already, right?

You know... when you're incredibly busy and have seven hundred million things going on in your life and your brain but NOT ONE SINGLE THING worthy of blogging about?

Well..... there you have it. That's me right now.

Sorry.

A Year of Blog...

Exactly one year ago today I first dipped my toe into the big wide wonderful world of blogging.

Click here to read that very first post

I had just returned from a week in Beijing, having celebrated New Year with great friends in an exciting and exotic city almost palpitating with potential and excitement. A far cry from the understated Dec 31 of this year. And the lack of potential that I feel about these next 12 months.

Still, it's a good reminder to me that wonderful things happen, and that my topsy-turvy life WILL recover it's equilibrium soon.

Boo and Toto this time last year. What a difference a year makes.