Aww.. Farewell Jorn Utzon...

I only just found out that the brilliant Danish architect of the Sydney Opera House, Jorn Utzon, died yesterday. He is someone that I have admired greatly, and whose legacy to us is one that I am incredibly grateful for. The story of the design and building of the Sydney Opera House is a fascinating and controversial one. Well worth a further investigation (Dina?) if you have some time on your hands.

“I have made a sculpture . . . you will never be finished with it – when you pass around it or see it against the sky . . . something new goes on all the time . . . together with the sun, the light and the clouds, it makes a living thing.”
- Jørn Utzon, 2002

To view the Jorn Utzon tribute page, click here.

Picture and words taken from the Sydney Opera House website.

Yeah for me!!

I did it!! I actually completed NaBloPoMo!!! Please vote on my poll (on the right) to let me know how you went..

Not much else to write today. I'm head down on the 'puter still desperately trying to put all my info into the documents that the lawyer has asked for.

I'll try to keep a post a day as a more regular routine, but it's nice to know that I don't have to panic if I miss it.

Why did I have this need to finish something so meaningless in the big scheme of things? I guess I've always have a compulsion to finish what I've started, but in light of all that I'm going through right now, I've surprised myself by my need to fulfil my commitment to this daily posting shenanigans.

Perhaps I just needed to feel a sense of completion at the beginning of a process which will, in all likelihood, spiral out of my control pretty quickly.

Anyway... I did it. And I'm proud of myself.

Now I just have to finish all this legal stuff and get DH to back down before the big bucks start flowing out to the lawyer.

Moustache as theme....

Inigo (from Lara and Mark) turned one today. And, in celebration, his fabulously quirky parents threw him a party with a moustache theme. As you do. It was lovely. The food was incredible. Babies were making happy sounds. Birds were twittering.

Then my other Lara and I threw the kids into a restaurant and had a speedy dinner before she took all of them off to a movie so that I could come home and keep on with the legal stuff (hence the short post tonight).

It is an M rated movie. *gulp*. I’m usually a ratings-nazi. Still, it’s James Bond. How bad can it be?? (maybe you shouldn’t answer that one)

Spot the moustaches....

A Dog Ate My Booby....

A million years ago (about 6 really), Toto, Boo and I were in the change room of a Sydney public swimming pool. I was struggling in that horrendous juggle of trying to change two small kids and myself into swimming cossies, and Boo escaped while my cossie was not quite pulled up. I chased after him to catch him before he fell in his attempt to climb onto a bench.

Suddenly there was a small girl screaming. She ran to her mother and, pointing to me, loudly yelled “Mummy!! That lady’s booby was bitten by a dog!”.

Toto puffed out his chest and proudly said “It wasn’t bitten by a dog. It was bitten by a cancer!”

The mother glared at me, held her child close to her and said “You shouldn’t be scaring children like that!”

Like I chose to have half of my breast removed.

Sheesh.

Perspective....

What on earth is happening in the world? I missed the news this morning and was told about the horrors happening in Mumbai at lunchtime. I cried.

This is insane stuff. And I just can't get my head around it. Terrorism is the result of such disturbed perspective. How can the taking of life EVER be justifiable?


Please God (whoever and whatever you are) send some peace onto our planet. Soon.

Lawyer Joke....

... because I'm trying to find something to smile about....

Idol Fireworks.....

You see, and hear, a lot of fireworks from my place. But last night they were particularly grand and loud and dramatic.

I lifted my head from the legal papers for long enough to realise that these were the fireworks from the Grand Final of Australian Idol... and then to quickly snap away before they ended.

Camera settings were not adjusted in the rush... so what I saw is what you get.

Project SPOS update...

I'm over the hump. I'm still exhausted and overwhelmed, but I'm not wanting to crawl into a hole and give up.

Today was spent preparing my Affidavit in response to DH's. It's a HUGE task (made even huger without the diaries.. grrrr..) but my friend J helped me find a starting point and stuck around to help me clarify my thoughts and clearly articulate the truth as I know it.

I've just finished the 12 page Affidavit and am now about to start on the Response to his Application for Final Orders.

I'm seeing a lawyer on Wednesday (not sure if he's the right one for me, but if not I've still got time to see some other ones) and want to be uber-prepared. I simply do not have the funds to pay someone hundreds of bucks an hour to do the grunt work.

*sigh*

My getting over that initial melt down was hugely caused by your support. The kindness of strangers (all friends now) and friends has given light where there was none. If I'd done this without you, I would still be stuck. I'd still be "I can't talk about it"-ing and unable to accept support and kindness. You've helped me see that, tough as this will be, I'm truly not on my own.

Toto is still ill and at home. "She" is still in hospital and wondering why I'm not visiting her. The stars are still out of alignment for us, but now I know that they will find their way back to normal... eventually.

So, short and sweet for tonight... but filled with love and sincerity. And my heart-felt thanks.

Sorry about that...

It's probably totally inappropriate to have had such a public meltdown. Or perhaps it's refreshingly honest. I'm not sure. I guess it's up to all of you.

It's just my truth.

I'm feeling much stronger today. Not confident or happy. I'm just calmer knowing that I have a HUGE task ahead of me which, win or lose, I must face. I think it took me a few days to realise that the fact that it is outrageous and unfair and horrific doesn't mean that reason will prevail.

My poor kids. He keeps calling them. They saw him this morning and tried to tell him that they didn't want to stay at his house during the week and he said "That's fine, but next year it will be different. You'll see.". They came back frustrated and upset because it took a lot of confidence for them to say anything at all to him. I wish they wouldn't. He won't change his mind. He's told me as much. They are just trying their best to fix this so that I'm happy again. Sweet little men.

Still haven't found the diaries. J is coming around tomorrow to help. I'm hopeful that a fresh pair of eyes and a clear mind will find them.

Thank you SO much to all of you who have commented, emailed and texted. Your support is everything right now. Especially because I'm completely incapable of talking about it.

And please forgive me my public display of human vulnerability.

Now... I've distracted myself today by watching the SBS series "First Australians". I missed it on telly and have been watching it on the SBS website. Phenomenal stuff. If you haven't seen it, I highly recommend it.

Here are a couple of pics taken from my office window today..... (now who could feel sorry for me with a view like this!)...

Searching.....

I’ve spent all day searching for old diaries. DH lied through his teeth about times that he’s had the kids, and I need them to find all my diary notes about dates and times. And I can’t find them. It’s incredible. I’ve literally spent 5 hours searching every drawer, every shelf, under every bed, through every bookcase, even in clothing drawers.

Now I’m the first to admit that my office is totally disorganised, but my search was so thorough that I’m convinced they aren’t in my flat. But where else would they be?

You can see the state of my mind. I’m trying desperately to focus on action, and being thwarted constantly. When I’m still, I cry.

I have, however, calculated the total outstanding amount of unpaid child support and spousal maintenance owed to me over the past 10 years. $327,342.86. And that doesn’t include any of the extra things that he was supposed to pay (school costs, uniforms, dental, health insurance etc). Oh, and it doesn’t include any child support for Boo (as he was born a week after the orders were made).

I don’t expect to get all of it, but I’m hoping it goes towards showing his attitude to parenting, and that perhaps I will get some of it (or at the very least have HIM pay my legal costs).

Oh, I’ve also found out that I will not only have to pay for my own lawyer, but also for separate lawyers for the boys if they want to have their say (which they do).

The next thing that I have to do is write an affidavit about DH’s behaviour towards the boys and his unwillingness to have them over the past 10 years. I can’t start that. Something in my mind snaps and I can’t think clearly.

They boys are now both ill. Very ill. Listless, cranky, coughing, feverish. I can feel it beginning with me too. I’m sure it will hit me when I stop my manic searching.

“She” is in a terrible condition. She has, understandably, lost all hope. I can’t help her at all. I need to stay away. For both our sakes. Still, she calls me .... asking for reassurance and advice. I give it to her, but I know I’m lying. And I’m terrified that she can hear that in my voice.

I don’t know how or what to write today, but I’m damned if I fail NaBloPoMo after all the effort I’ve put into it.

I feel like a chicken who has had it’s head chopped off and is still running around in circles. I think I’m reacting so badly to this because of the experience I had the first time DH took me to Family Court. It was incredibly bad. And it was 7 days before Boo’s birth.

My depression has come back full swing. I feel totally overwhelmed and unable to focus clearly. I am thinking in terms of all or nothing. I’m feeling incapable of taking this battle on.

Writing that last paragraph down has helped me. I can see that I won’t feel this way forever. I’ll get through this.

Thank you Guera for the list of lawyers. You’re a god-send. And thank you Kim for a lawyers’ name as well. I’m waiting for them all to get back to me.

The boys were meant to go away with DH this weekend but Toto is ill. Really ill with flu-like symptoms, fever and a terrible cough. I took him to the doctor today and he was prescribed complete bed-rest and quiet. Oh, and he’s highly contagious so we’ll all get it.

This means that he can’t go away this weekend. And Boo is refusing to go without him. Of course DH thinks that this is ME reacting to his litigiousness and is furious. He has said that he doesn't believe me and will go and speak to the doctor himself.

It’s actually more to do with sick kids wanting their Mum. Something which DH has encouraged over the years by always bringing them “home” to me whenever they were sick.

You know the one thing above all others that is killing me right now? I told DH on the phone (just before he hung up on me, telling me that he will not be speaking to me without his lawyer) that this is not about ME fighting him, but about HIM fighting the wishes of the boys. I begged him not to do this because the boys DO NOT want to spend every second week with him. I told him that if they did, I would agree to it. He said “They’ll just have to get used to it”.

What an uncaring, unfeeling cretin.

Oh, and in an awful awful awful awful twist, “she” is back in hospital. The universe is just not aligning for us at the moment. And I feel that I have nothing left in me to help her at the moment. But of course I can’t explain that to her, or tell her about this situation with DH. So, we’ll see ...

On a more heart-warming note..... this is Toto's painting that came home from school the other day...

Project SPOS update....

I just got served with family court papers. With a hearing date which falls during our annual beach holiday. It's full of lies and ridiculous accusations.

It claims to be about parenting issues, but if it truly was, would paragraph 15 read "That the wife pay the husband's costs of this application"?????? When the husband owes the wife over $200,000 in unpaid monies on an existing Final Orders? When the wife has not once not complied with those existing orders?

There is steam coming out of my ears. My kids are supposed to be going away with him this weekend and neither of them wants to go. I had to ask them if they would be okay with living with him every second week and both still adamantly said no. I had to explain that he was taking me to court to try and get that, and that if they really didn't want to, I would fight it. But that if they wanted to, I would agree with it. They both adamantly said no. And then told me things that made my blood boil. Things that they haven't told me before because they thought I'd get angry and tell him that they told me and then he would be angry with them. Things that make me want to fight to get him out of their lives forever.

I don't know how, but I calmed myself with them and they were okay by the time they went to bed.

I'm anything but calm.

I'm so angry. And furious with bloody John Howard who put the Child Support and Family Court changes into law. DH is only doing this so that he has no forward Child Support responsibilities. His behaviour over the last 10 years has shown that he has only ever seen the boys when it suits him and has certainly never wanted more access than he has been given. And his current behaviour, according to things that the boys have now told me, demonstrates his unhappiness when he is with them.

Somebody pass me a cigarette. Please.

Betrayal.....

I did something yesterday that I don’t often do. I watched Oprah. And it was about a mother who contracted a flesh-eating virus whilst undergoing a caesarian section, which resulted in the removal of many of her organs, and both her arms and both her legs.

At many times during her many surgeries and long recovery, the doctors did not expect her to survive. But she did. And she says that she did because she simply wanted to get home to her children.

She was engaged to the father of her second baby when all of this happened, and he married her while she was still in the hospital. They were both on the show.

As was Jenny McCarthy.. an American actress and mother of an autistic boy who has recently partnered with Jim Carrey. The show was very focussed on the amazing support of these men and the devotion and understanding that they showed to their partners under very difficult circumstances.

I cried and cried.

And I thought of myself and of Guera and of all of us who have been physically and/or emotionally abandoned by our life-partners and who struggle with parenting and self-esteem as a result.

I know it’s heavily edited television-land stuff. But the premise was real. There ARE wonderful people out there who will love and support unconditionally. And, if we want one, there will be one there for us. It just seems so unfair that we didn’t choose one of those the first time around.

I’m so sure that I don’t want to take the risk of partnering up again. I really am. But this show got to the deeper part of me that DOES miss being loved unconditionally by an adult male. And who is deeply deeply sad at having been abandoned by one that she deeply deeply loved.

That’s it. No more Oprah for me.

In all honesty, I think my emotion has come from having to sit with DH at Toto’s school “do” the other night. I don’t often see him, and right now I’m so effing angry with him because of all this legal stuff that I’m highly emotional about it. I think he looks like an ape and I have no desire for him, but I get incredibly sad about the fact that this man is the father of my children and ten years after walking out on us he still treats me so awfully. The “how could he do this to me?” stuff re-emerges. Closely entwined with the “how could I have chosen that man to be the father of my children?” stuff.

I guess the feeling of betrayal never really goes away.

DH and me on a camel safari in India in 1993

Bloggy Love....

I received an award today! The wonderful Lani from Me & Boo gave me one.... which prompted me to realise that she also gave me one back in October. One which I instantly forgot about and didn’t acknowledge. I’m so sorry Lani. I can only guess that I was a bit stressed at the time.

So today I’m acknowledging the first one....


.. This one has a questionnaire attached. So, here goes....

1. Have you had the same friends since childhood?

No. I lived outside Australia for too long in the years prior to email and lost contact with most of them. When I came home I found that we didn’t seem to have much in common and so I didn’t put the effort required into re-kindling the friendships. That shortsightedness on my behalf saddens me now.

I do, however, have friends from my late teens and early twenties. And I have kept pretty much every friend that I made when I lived overseas.

2. What do you value most about your friends?

Honesty. Trust. Kindness. Acceptance. Laughter. Our differences.

3. Are your friends your sounding boards?

Not all of the time. I’m actually mostly pretty uncomfortable when it comes to talking about myself in the real world. I think that’s why I’ve taken to the blogging world so eagerly.

4. What is your favorite activity to share with your friends?

Fun stuff. That includes, but is not limited to, indoor games, outdoor activities, sharing meals, holidays, e-mails. I’m not good at talking on the telephone. Oh, and I’d rather eat live maggots than go shopping with a friend. (What a cheerful girl I am today!)

Now... I am supposed to award this to four friends, but I’m going to give it to every one of my readers who is doing NaBloPoMo. We need all the help we can get!!

I’m saving the other award for another NaBloPoMo struggle-day.

PS. She’s home. A bit wobbly, but so-far so-good. Thanks for all support and good wishes. I know they all help.

PPS. Thank you Lani for all the bloggy-love!

Welcome to the next 6 years of his life.....

Tonight was the Welcome evening for the Class of 2014 at the school that Toto will be attending next year.

It is a beautiful small Cathedral school in the centre of the city (read the story of Toto’s interview and acceptance here) and every time I visit I love it more and more.

The emphasis is always firmly placed upon the well-being and happiness of the boys, whilst quietly giving examples of academic, sporting and musical excellence as almost an afterthought. This approach to raising the men of tomorrow suits me well.

He will be the only boy in the entire school to come from the north side of our harbour (a big dividing line in our city) and one of just a handful of boys who won't be beginning his high-school career with friends from his primary school. The boys come from over 200 different suburbs, and because the school is literally right in the heart of Sydney, many of them travel long distances. The school has a tradition of having Year 12 boys accompany the Year 7 boys on public transport all the way home for the first week or so. They won’t be able to do this for Toto as there are no Year 12 boys going in his direction. They have offered to have a teacher accompany him, but I have decided that I will be the one to do that for his first week. Maybe for his second week as well.

Oh hell. Do you think I could do it for the first year?

I am finding this all very emotional. My baby boy is going to be in high school, and travelling into the city everyday by himself. I myself went to school in the city and I remember loving the independence that the travel allowed me. But somehow Toto just doesn’t seem as savvy as I was at his age.

Or am I just having trouble letting go?

Toto in Pre-School

2001

Cross everything.....

Things have been so great with "her". She is due to be discharged tomorrow, and so I went to visit her for a last "hoorah in the hospital".

And she received a phone call.

The kind of phone call that would send you spinning even if you were the healthiest, strongest person on the planet.

Her daughters' school telephoned. To tell her that her daughter threw her lunch out today, and refused to eat in front of the school counsellor.

Yes, her daughter has been required to eat her lunch in front of the school counsellor every day for the last month or so.

Because she has the beginnings of an eating disorder.

"Her" husband has taken their daughter to the doctor about it, after receiving a phone call from the school saying that teachers and pupils were concerned with her non-eating and weight-loss.

Today's phone call was an accident. The school was meant to discuss this only with her husband, and really messed up by calling her.

And she is in a spin. She is so close to the edge. Thank God I was there when she got the call.

Her husband and daughter came in to the hospital this evening to talk to her and her doctor, and nothing much was said.

I feel pleased that her daughter has been "found out" this early in her journey, and am confident that she will get the support and help that she needs to get through this before it becomes a major illness. I also think that this is a big cry for help from a 13 year old girl whose Mum has been so very ill and absent for such a long time. I feel that as "she" gets stronger, her daughter will also feel less out-of-control.

I am, however, extremely concerned about the impact of this news upon "her". The timing simply couldn't have been worse.

Please keep her in your thoughts.

A sewing day...

P.S.....

Happy Birthday to "her"!

Yesterday's Childhood...

Do you remember riding your bike along the streets of your suburb and hanging out with your friends until you heard your mother ringing the bell that signaled dinnertime?

Do you remember taking your 20 cents pocket money to the milk-bar and buying peppermint creams, paddle-pops or redskins and feeling like the richest kid in the world?

Do you remember walking to your friends’ house and knocking on the door to ask their parents if they could come out to play?

Do you remember putting your roller-skates, terry-toweling wristbands and shorts and knitted legwarmers on and roller-dancing to ABBA and/or Olivia Newton-John songs?

Do you remember listening to 2SM’s Father Jim’s talkback radio on Sunday nights when you were supposed to be sleeping?

Do you remember when a take-away meal was a “The Lot” hamburger (with egg and beetroot) from the above-mentioned local milk-bar?

Do you remember when the whole family sat in front of the one and only telly on Sunday nights to watch “Countdown” and then “Bill Collins’ Golden Years of Hollywood” or “Walt Disney”?

(I know the above list is VERY Australian, but I’m sure you can all get the gist)

I wonder what our kids will remember...

Mine can’t ride their bikes along our streets.... way too many cars.

Mine can’t buy their favourite things with their $5 pocket money as DS games cost about $80 a pop.

Mine can’t have a play-date without pre-planning and parental phone calls and checks.

Mine would dress up and roller-blade an avatar on a video game, but wouldn’t be caught dead doing it in real life.

Mine listen to tunes on their iPod after lights out.

Mine are torn for choice on our rare take-away dinners. But wouldn’t be interested in anything as healthy as a “The Lot” hamburger.

Mine disagree about what programmes to watch as a family and therefore would rather watch a DVD in their own bedroom.

I wonder what their kids will remember....

Sixth & Sixth...

A few days ago, the wonderful Guera from A Roaming Aussie Mum tagged me for a photo meme.

The idea is that you go to your Flickr account (or equivalent) and find the sixth photo on the sixth page. And then (as Guera did) you go to your photo folders on your own computer and find the sixth photo in the sixth folder.

So, here goes...

The sixth photo on the sixth page of my Flickr account is this one, of Boo in our local Chinese restaurant...


... and the sixth photo in the sixth folder in my Pictures directory on my computer is this one of me trying to hide behind my hair ...

And now, of course, I'm going to tag six people!

Fairlie at Around the Traps and Before Our Time

Lara at DiscoKnitter

Ali at Callapipper Tree

Tracey at Just Another Mommy Blog (thankyou for being my shiny-newest-commenter!)

Le at Third On The Right

Shirley at Rhubarbwhine

.... for being the most recent people to give me blog-love!