Searching.....

I’ve spent all day searching for old diaries. DH lied through his teeth about times that he’s had the kids, and I need them to find all my diary notes about dates and times. And I can’t find them. It’s incredible. I’ve literally spent 5 hours searching every drawer, every shelf, under every bed, through every bookcase, even in clothing drawers.

Now I’m the first to admit that my office is totally disorganised, but my search was so thorough that I’m convinced they aren’t in my flat. But where else would they be?

You can see the state of my mind. I’m trying desperately to focus on action, and being thwarted constantly. When I’m still, I cry.

I have, however, calculated the total outstanding amount of unpaid child support and spousal maintenance owed to me over the past 10 years. $327,342.86. And that doesn’t include any of the extra things that he was supposed to pay (school costs, uniforms, dental, health insurance etc). Oh, and it doesn’t include any child support for Boo (as he was born a week after the orders were made).

I don’t expect to get all of it, but I’m hoping it goes towards showing his attitude to parenting, and that perhaps I will get some of it (or at the very least have HIM pay my legal costs).

Oh, I’ve also found out that I will not only have to pay for my own lawyer, but also for separate lawyers for the boys if they want to have their say (which they do).

The next thing that I have to do is write an affidavit about DH’s behaviour towards the boys and his unwillingness to have them over the past 10 years. I can’t start that. Something in my mind snaps and I can’t think clearly.

They boys are now both ill. Very ill. Listless, cranky, coughing, feverish. I can feel it beginning with me too. I’m sure it will hit me when I stop my manic searching.

“She” is in a terrible condition. She has, understandably, lost all hope. I can’t help her at all. I need to stay away. For both our sakes. Still, she calls me .... asking for reassurance and advice. I give it to her, but I know I’m lying. And I’m terrified that she can hear that in my voice.