A BIG BIG day....

Toto started high school today. He has gone from his local primary school, which is within walking distance, to a Cathedral College in the centre of the city. And I swear the boy I caught public transport into the city with this morning, was a young man when he arrived home.

Toto on his first day of Kindy in 2002

Toto on his first day of High School in 2009

Exhuasted from carrying every single textbook for the year in his backpack

Contemplating the beginning of the next phase of his life

Oh. He loved it. Thank goodness.

Some holiday snaps...

I should SO be asleep. But I'm not. Too much going on in this noggin (Aussie slang for brain) of mine. So here are some more holiday snaps.

We're ba-ack....

Phew. It was wonderful weather... stunning location... great fun..... but hard work too. Poor Boo was ill with a tummy virus that lasted for the whole second half of the holiday. This meant that the three of us stayed indoors and close to the ... umm ... loo (poor thing would DIE if he knew I was blogging about this).

And they're still not really old enough to help me with the major logistical stuff ... like packing the car and putting on bike racks etc... so the effort of coming home has exhausted me.

That, and the fact that I had to spend another 4 hours on the affidavit tonight in order to get it ready for my meeting with the lawyer tomorrow morning.

Oh, and that DH has objected to a complaint that I lodged, and won, with the Child Support Agency. Not even to do with his assessment! He has lodged his complaint with the Social Services Tribunal which means a whole 'nother round of statements, lodgements and hearing dates.

Seems like this morning when I woke to the sound of the waves breaking on the beach was a million years ago.

Introducing.... The Letter M....

My wonderful crazy friend Lorrie from Our Name Is Blog (who will always be famous in my home for sending my whatever clock to me airmail!) *breathe* , had this wonderful post on her blog.

Of course I put my hand up for a letter... and was issued with the Letter M.

The rules are ..... hey it's actually way simpler than that! I just have to list 10 Favourite Things that begin with the Letter M.

Here goes...

1. Mess. The simple fact of parenthood means that I have had to learn to embrace mess. Don't get me wrong... I can happily ignore a pile of clothes on the clothes horse in my bedroom, but it's taken me ages to learn to love the mess in the boys' room. Except the day before the cleaner is coming. And then I need to remind myself that I would be worried about my boys if they were clutter-free and organised.

2. Mum. Wow. Were would I be without my Mum?

3. Motherhood. I am so lucky that I get to live with my boys. As you all know, my world has been a bit challenging lately. They are my constants.

4. Manual setting on my DSLR camera. Now that I know how to use it properly, it's opened a whole new world up to me.

5. Mac. ALL things Mac. I'm unashamadly a Mac junkie. And I'm counting down the weeks until I can get another iPhone (did I tell you that my iPhone became an iBrick in July?).

6. Music - Mozart, Maroon 5, Matchbook Twenty, Me'Shell Ndegeocello, Mike Oldfield, Missy Higgins to name but a few favourites starting with "M".

7. Mystery. You know.... in that we have no idea what life will deal out to us tomorrow or the next day or the next year blah de blah. I know I've done a fair bit of venting here on my blog lately, but I absolutely know that this is just a difficult period. The mystery of life is that there is always good around the corner. Even when it's hard to imagine.

8. Mammals. Kangaroos in particular. The only kangaroo I ever saw while I was growing up was "Skippy" (on the telly). But for the last 6 years my boys and I have made friends with the kangaroos that live in the National Park that borders our holiday camp. They sleep in the National Park, but come to the camping ground every morning and evening to scrounge food and neck-scratches from the thrilled holiday makers. One of them bounds up to greet Toto every year.... sometimes with a new Joey in her pouch! They stick near our cabin when we're there and like sitting about 3 feet away from us... just watching.... and occasionally ambling over for a back scratch.

9. Memories. I feel as though I have so few. I'm not sure if it's because of the depression or the medication for the depression, but I struggle to remember even quite recent things sometimes. Perhaps that's why I take so many photographs. Anyway, the memories that I do have are double-y precious to me.

10. Mandarins (eating them on the beach on a hot summer day). Nothing beats it. The sun beating down, salty-crusty skin from swimming in the sea, mandarin juice dribbling down your sandy face and hands. Yum!

Gratitude... the dark side...

Kim has started a gratitude journal. I'm so jealous! It's a great idea and I NEED to do that right now to focus on all that's good in my life.

But first... I have a few entries for the RESENTMENT journal that I have to get off my chest.

1. I'm so bloody resentful of the fact that you sever all contact between me and my boys when you have them. Excuses like "I don't listen to voice messages" "You should have left a text" "I didn't get your text" "I wanted a few days without checking my phone" "I don't answer Private Numbers" just don't wash. You're a bastard for a million and one things, but this one is just unnecessary and cruel to THEM as well as me.

2. Your inconsideration and selfishness flashes in FLURO when you send me an email telling me.... yes TELLING ME... when you'll be having the kids, and then a text TELLING ME you'll be dropping them off two days earlier. Only you don't mention the fact that it's two days earlier... you just say Tuesday instead of Thursday. You do this a lot.

3. It drives me insane that you lie. All the time. And although this should make it easier for me to prove to a Child Support Agency representative, or a Family Court Magistrate that you are a lying piece of trash... it doesn't. Most people, in my opinion, like to believe other people. And you present well. You have perfected the "poor neglected father who would have loved to have been with his children growing up except that his ex-wife was such a horrible monster (she was hospitalised with post natal depression nudge wink) who made his life SO incredibly nightmarishly ghoulishly unhappy that he HAD to leave pregnant her and his child after 9 whole months of parenthood because that was in the best interests of the children and who has been giving every penny that he has earned in the last 10 years to provide for his children... and who only went on overseas holidays 10 or 12 times during this period to cope with the stress of dealing with such an awful ex-wife... and who is the only self-employed plumber in Sydney who employs 4 or 5 people who pays himself minimal income and is not hiding money in order to avoid paying child support" story. Which means that it's down to me to re-live the whole saga every time I have to prove that you're lying.

4. I resent the *%^$ out of the fact that you have kept this up for 11 years as of yesterday. You have treated me as though I have wronged you in some way. This is because I would not take you back all those times that you asked me to over the first few years. You blame me for "depriving" you of your family. You cannot see beyond that. You cannot see that once you had walked out on me during the most incredibly difficult period of my life, sustained that absence, told me that you had involved yourself romantically with others while you were still with me and treated me as a doormat.... I had a choice. If I took you back, I would have had my eyes wide open. I would have had to have believed that I deserved to be treated that way. I didn't. And I don't. But you found another way to keep me "down". And you have sustained it.

5. I resent (abhor, detest, loath) the fact that you treat our children as pawns in this battle of yours. That you didn't take advantage of the fact that I have never EVER denied you access to our children and that you were so obsessed with your own selfish wants and needs that you haven't thought of THEIR wants and needs. They needed a role-model for their future roles as husband and father and all they got was you. They wanted a father who would love them unconditionally and treat their mother with respect and all they got was you. And now that they're entering their vulnerable teenage years, you "want" to have them live with you half of the time and you "want" to have legal rights over them. You have no concern for what they need. They need consistency. They need to know what kind of parenting they will be receiving. They need to stay with the parent who has put in the hard yards of love and discipline and parenting. They need to maintain the status quo. And you can't see that their decision on this is based upon your past behaviour. You think that they are being manipulated by me. That's because you don't know what it is to put someone elses needs above your own.

I could go on. But I'm shaking and tearful and emotional and want to get you out of my head.

*shake head*

My lawyer is back from his holidays this week. I have two appointments with him to finalise our stuff for the court date. I also have an appointment with my accountant to see if there's anything else I need to do for the 4 years of tax returns that I have to lodge by February. I also have an appointment with the Child Support Agency regarding my Change of Assessment Application.

And then my boys and I have 10 days on a beach on the South Coast of NSW.

And then we come back to face Family Court, new school years (and a new school for Toto) and whatever else life throws our way.

I am exhausted. Understandably. I have been working 12+ hours a day on legal and tax and Child Support stuff. This is a full time job right now.

So... things I am grateful for....

1. My healthy, loving and beautiful boys (if you don't count the end stages of whooping cough!).

2. My parents.

3. My friends.

4. I want to say my health, but I have neglected it lately and need to get it back. So, my ability to be healthy.

5. That, even though I can't afford it, I continue to re-book our annual beach holiday. If I didn't have that to look forward to, I would be too overwhelmed to pull myself out of this mire.

I will work on more things to be grateful for. I promise.

Ouch...

I've spent the last 28 or so hours in migraine-hell.

It shouldn't really be surprising. The boys were with DH, I had planned to spend the time doing my tax and meeting some of my Sydney blogging friends... and so *WHAM* I got struck down with the agony that only ever comes when the pressure is slightly lifted.

Funnily enough, I spent some of my "awake-in-agony" time trying to focus on things to blog about.

And now can't think of a single one of them.

Ow. That's enough. Screen's too bright.

Blog-block...

I have it.

Blog-block.

It must exist already, right?

You know... when you're incredibly busy and have seven hundred million things going on in your life and your brain but NOT ONE SINGLE THING worthy of blogging about?

Well..... there you have it. That's me right now.

Sorry.

A Year of Blog...

Exactly one year ago today I first dipped my toe into the big wide wonderful world of blogging.

Click here to read that very first post

I had just returned from a week in Beijing, having celebrated New Year with great friends in an exciting and exotic city almost palpitating with potential and excitement. A far cry from the understated Dec 31 of this year. And the lack of potential that I feel about these next 12 months.

Still, it's a good reminder to me that wonderful things happen, and that my topsy-turvy life WILL recover it's equilibrium soon.

Boo and Toto this time last year. What a difference a year makes.

Growing up....

Thought I'd share some pics of Toto and Boo that I took on the last day of 2008. I can't believe how quickly they're growing up. I look at these photos and see two "almost" teens. And am extremely grateful that they're still such loving and affectionate and respectful boys. I'm truly blessed....

The new iPods are such a hit! The best bit? The episodes of "Top Gear" that I downloaded for them.

"Muuuuummmm.... leave me alone (grin)"

"I'm seriously over this photography obsession of yours"

"I'm fierce and scary" (followed by peels of laughter)

Happy New Year....

Here's a snippet of our view of the Sydney Harbour Fireworks last night. They were spectacular.



And thank you for all your wonderful recent comments. I'm sorry I came across as a sad and sorry girl. I'm not really. I'm just down in the dumps at the moment. I have lots of wonderful friends.... and if I didn't have such ill children I'd probably be making more of an effort to reach out to them. But right now, the effort is a bit too much.

Boo was extremely ill last night. I haven't seen him quite that debilitated for a long while. He was asleep before the 9pm "kiddie" fireworks. Toto stayed up with me to watch the main ones at midnight.

Only one resolution this New Year. Survival. You know... Gloria Gaynor style.

It's a tough time of year....

I know that many of us struggle through this time of year. I certainly do. Part of it is that it's the season of "togetherness" and therefore it's the time of year when I feel most alone.

It's the time of year when I really notice that we don't get invited to many things. It's the downside of being a one parent family. In my experience, most of my friends and family think about inviting other "families" to their christmas parties and gatherings, and that usually means having a grown up man so that their husband has someone to talk to. (Obviously I don't have enough single parent friends.)

When I've been in relationship, this time of year has been busy busy busy. When I'm not, it's extremely solitary.

And then my boys go to DH. And the dark cloud descends. The sad and lonely cloud.

Christmas Day was pretty good this year. I have one of those families who really only get together on Christmas Day. Obviously I see my parents all the time, but my brothers have full lives which do not include me and my children.

We did have an uneventful Dec 25 this year... not always guaranteed. Toto and Boo were pretty exhausted and a bit lethargic, but other than vomiting in the garden bed a couple of times, all went well.

My beautiful niece Jaz

Papa and Nonie

The cousins

The boy cousins

Boo taking a quiet moment with a new magic set

Harry and Tim .... son and father

Toto in a pensive moment

Father and son..... Papa and Matt

Boo in a less exhausted moment

We were invited to a family "do" on Boxing Day... The little cousins got to hang out together again, and we grown up cousins enjoyed a rare catch up.

Uncle Jim (my Dad's brother) and Auntie Rose. Precious.

My favourite cousin... Katie.

My Dad

Happy Christmas *cough* *cough*...

Send your own ElfYourself eCards

Thanks for being my co-pilots on this rocky road. love, Fe

It's an epidemic....

The Department of Health had to be notified about our whooping cough as it's a "notifiable illness".

They had 20 cases reported in Sydney on Friday alone! It's truly an epidemic!

We discovered this morning that Boo can't swallow tablets. Apparently. It took HALF AN HOUR to get him to swallow the anti-biotic! He was desperately distressed (as was I) but he finally did it. I found out afterwards that I can break open the casing and put the inside bits into water for him to drink. Which works a treat. Thank God, as we have to take these three times a day for five days.

And then the poor little thing had a major coughing / vomiting fit while weeing. He literally painted the bathroom. Poor thing was so drenched that he had to get straight into the shower. More washing (towels, clothes) for me.... and such a waste of loo paper! He drenched the whole pile of spare rolls! I seriously had to laugh (once I knew he was okay) before mopping, wiping walls etc. I'm still kind of laughing.

See? I'm trying to find the amusing bits in amongst the agony.

Toto's last day....

... and man it was emotional.

The whole school forms a large arch and the Year 6 kids walk through it... to the tune of "Time of Your Life" by Green Day (which is actually called "(Good Riddance) Time of Your Life"! Huh!). Who wouldn't cry?

(and thank you M for the wonderful hugs)

Toto meandering through the arch. Don't you love the "hat hair?"

"Yeah, I know you're there Mum! Do NOT expect me to look at you."

It's official. The diagnostic results are in. Whooping Cough. And just after we came home from school, Toto fell into a heap and started coughing too.

Apparently the fact that he's been at school isn't a problem (according to the doctor)... it's now, with listlessness and fever and feeling ill that is when he begins to be contagious. I still feel bad about him having been at school though. But without a crystal ball, how can any of us tell what's going to happen?

So we have to stay away from babies and old people. And have started a heavy regime of antibiotics (me too, just in case).

Both boys want to stay home with me this weekend, instead of being with DH. I had to tell him over the telephone, and he actually said "I just want to be supportive of you and give you a break". Can you believe it?

I replied, in a very very quiet and calm voice.. "DH (I actually used his name, but jeez it was tempting), the most stressful thing I have going on at the moment is you taking me to Family Court, so please don't patronise me with false offers of concern."

So... more nights of no sleep. More days house-bound and bored. Except for me.. I'm still trying to get all this bloody stuff finished in between soothing and feeding children, cleaning vomit off the carpet, emptying vomit-filled buckets and washing vomit-covered clothes and sheets. It's so frustrating to be unable to get to the shops. I'm dying to go to Spotlight to buy some fabric to complete some Christmas present bags, but just can't get there. Hopefully no-one will expect too much from me this Christmas.

Amazingly, or perhaps not so amazingly, the song that is on loop in my brain at the moment is "Things Can Only Get Better" by D:Ream.

Boo's worse...

This is an horrendous illness.

We're getting no sleep... the coughing until he vomits is worse at night, although it continues through the days as well. Days when I'm desperately trying to do :

a) the legal docs
b) a Child Support change of assessment response
c) 6 years of tax returns

And there's nothing I can do to comfort him. Well, other than the Vapor rub, the humidifier, the cough medicine, the sympathy.

It's heartbreaking.

And he's missing ALL of the end of year school activities. Not fair.

Toto has his very last day of primary school tomorrow. We had the formal Year 6 Farewell dinner on Wednesday night and (of course) I was teary and emotional.

Hope my tears don't embarrass him too much tomorrow. I'm too exhausted to hold them in.

Radio Silence....

It's not like me to not post for so long.

Boo is SO ill. We're up pretty much all night every night. He's coughing until he vomits and I'm changing his bed linen and washing everything and bathing and soothing him and sitting with him until he sleeps for 20 minutes before doing it all over again.

And I'm also racing to re-do my affidavit once again. I visited the lawyer the other day and was given instructions as to how to make my affidavit more effective. Instructions that basically involved re-writing the whole 17 pages and adding about 6 more appendices. I say "racing" because his office closes this Friday and we need to get it done (and discussed and edited by him and then signed and lodged) before then as he doesn't open up again until 10 days before the hearing date.

In the midst of this, Toto is dealing with all of the Year 6 Farewell stuff. His health has improved and I'm now convinced he doesn't have the dreaded whooping cough.... just a bronchial lurgy.

So, the telly is parenting my boys. My parents are feeding them. Things like supermarket shopping, washing (other than midnight bed-linen), cooking and tidying have gone out of the window. To be resumed when life calms down.

And tonight I have to attend Toto's Farewell Dinner. I need this like a hole-in-the-head but I refuse to let him down.

On the upside, "she" is doing really really well! She's dealing with everything, feeling less fragile and is almost to the point where I can tell her all about my dramas. I can't wait for that time. I really miss her wisdom and comfort.

Santa Claus and other childhood deceptions.....

When Boo was about 6 years old, we had the following conversation:

B: Mummy, you would never tell me a lie, would you?

F: No darling. Of course not. Why?

B: I want to ask you a question, but you have to promise to tell me the truth.

F: Oh. Okay. What is the question?

B: Is Santa Claus real?

F: *gulp*

B: Mummy, you have to tell me the truth!

F: Santa Claus is not real.

B: What about the Easter Bunny?

F: Nope. Not real.

B: The Tooth Fairy?

F: Nope.

B: Why did you have to tell me that! Couldn't you have lied?!

I wrote it down in my diary at the time, wondering if I'd given him the best answer.

I also asked him not to tell his friends about this, as many of them still believed in Santa Claus and it was up to their own parents to decide when to tell them the truth about him. The blessed little thing has NEVER told any of his friends, and gives me little winks when we're around other kids who still believe.

Boo now loves this story. He loves it that I told him the truth. He loves it that I still give both boys a little pressie from "Santa" each Christmas. And he especially loves it that he doesn't have to worry about the logistics of Santa breaking into our home on Christmas Eve (because if Santa can do it, then anyone can do it!).

But recently we had a conversation about the "BIG LIE" that I told them when they were little. Where we lived was very near a big park, and every Saturday and Sunday an ice cream van would circle around and around playing Greensleeves through a tannoy and enticing all of the neighbourhood kids outside for a sugar-hit. I couldn't handle the pleading, and so I told my boys that when the ice-cream man played his song, it meant that he had run out of ice-cream and was heading back to the ice-cream factory for more. He was playing his song to cheer himself up.

They believed me. One day, of course, they were explaining this to some friends and were told the truth. That I had lied to them. Luckily they were pretty big by this time and were able to laugh about it and understand the reasons behind the lie. I feel pretty bad about having lied to them, but anyone who knows what it's like to be CONSTANTLY saying NO to 2 small children might be able to empathise with me on this one.

Toto was not a cuddly baby. He was long and thin and had a long neck (kind of like a very cute ET!). I nicknamed him "Lerty" as he was always so alert. DH had left, I was preggers and sad and desperate for cuddles when I accidentally found a way to get them from him.

I took him through a car wash. To say that he didn't like it is a bit of an understatement! He screamed and howled until I unstrapped him and held him in my lap. Once there, he stopped crying, wrapped his little arms around my neck and snuggled me like there was no tomorrow.

Needless to say, my car was kept VERY clean with VERY regular car washes after that. (Not quite a lie, but a manipulation of the situation to achieve my own wants.)

And of course I have lied regularly and constantly to them about DH. I protect them as much as I can from the hideous truth and make excuses for his lousy behaviour towards them. And now I think they have been doing the same thing to me. They are beginning to tell me things that I can't believe they have never told me before. I guess I shouldn't be surprised. I guess I've taught them to protect the ones that you love, but it's hard to be on the receiving end of it.

What, if any, lies have you told your kids over the years? Did your parents ever lie to you?

Whoop....

Toto and Boo are both sick. I took them to the doctor today and he suspects whooping cough. Toto had a nasty cough a while back, which the doctor had looked at and determined to be nothing more than a viral lurgy. It seems that Boo has caught a new bug and has passed it on to Toto. The doctor stuck an ominous looking swab down Boo’s nasal passage (a LONG way down!) to get the material required for the diagnosis. Boo was very brave.

It’s raining and grey and both boys are curled up on the sofa watching the telly. Other than our visit to the doctor, we have been inside for the last two days.

I’m actually quite enjoying it (despite the horrendous sounds of both boys coughing until they can’t breathe) as it feels as though we’re cocooned in our own little pod... with both boys requiring lots of cuddles and comfort.

If it IS whooping cough, they’ll take antibiotics to prevent them passing it on to others. The medicine does not reduce the duration of the illness. Apparently there’s a bit of a plague of it in Sydney at the moment. My doctor alone has diagnosed three cases in the last week.

So, we’ll stay away from everyone while we wait for the test results. I suppose I’ll go out for supplies every now and then, but other than that I’ll be Dr Mum with my ready supply of cough medicine and cuddles.

And I’ll try not to think too much about all of the horrendously stressful other things that I’ve got going on.

My newest love....

I'd like to introduce my newest love.....



His name is Charlie and he's 4 weeks old today. His mum is my "chosen sister".... her sister is my mum's god-daughter and her grandmother was my brother's teacher in Steiner school.

I spent a couple of hours cuddling him today. It was the most amazing therapy for me during this incredibly stressful time.

It seems to me that lots of my friends in blogland are having a really difficult time right now. I hope you can find a Charlie of your own for some cuddle-therapy.

I've been tagged!!!....

Thanks to the lovely Wikke, I've been tagged to post a photo of the contents of my handbag. Uggh.

I am extremely lucky in that I changed my handbag over on Sunday, and so this one hasn't had much time to gather all of the gunk that I usually haul around.



So, in no particular order, my handbag contains a black pashmina, my business cards (all identifying features blocked out!), headache tablets, hand cream, lipstick, hair clips, keys, spare battery for my DSL camera, spare SD card for my point and shoot camera, my point & shoot camera (in the Crumple bag), mints, headphones, nail file, pen, tissues, wallet, supermarket receipt, copy of my affidavit, hair comb, old theatre ticket, name tag from the emcee'ing job..... AND the thing that most people probably would not know that I always carry in my bag.... two dowsing pendulums (for when you can't choose which bottle of wine to buy!)

I'm kidding, of course. I've also been known to use them to choose between butter and margarine (in Holland with Wikke!) and which brand of coffee to buy!

I'm intentionally making light of a subject that I actually treat quite seriously. Toto is also into dowsing, and has his own pendulum. I have absolutely no idea how or why they work as well they do, but they have never let me down. It's all about energy and intuition... two subjects that I believe in but don't fully understand. And I kind of love it that I let it into my life without having to understand it to the nth degree (unlike many other things in my life).

I tag.... ummmm.......

Guera, M, Ali and Dina.

But you've got to play by the rules. No cheating and hiding the embarrassing stuff!