When Boo was about 6 years old, we had the following conversation:
B: Mummy, you would never tell me a lie, would you?
F: No darling. Of course not. Why?
B: I want to ask you a question, but you have to promise to tell me the truth.
F: Oh. Okay. What is the question?
B: Is Santa Claus real?
F: *gulp*
B: Mummy, you have to tell me the truth!
F: Santa Claus is not real.
B: What about the Easter Bunny?
F: Nope. Not real.
B: The Tooth Fairy?
F: Nope.
B: Why did you have to tell me that! Couldn't you have lied?!
I wrote it down in my diary at the time, wondering if I'd given him the best answer.
I also asked him not to tell his friends about this, as many of them still believed in Santa Claus and it was up to their own parents to decide when to tell them the truth about him. The blessed little thing has NEVER told any of his friends, and gives me little winks when we're around other kids who still believe.
Boo now loves this story. He loves it that I told him the truth. He loves it that I still give both boys a little pressie from "Santa" each Christmas. And he especially loves it that he doesn't have to worry about the logistics of Santa breaking into our home on Christmas Eve (because if Santa can do it, then anyone can do it!).
But recently we had a conversation about the "BIG LIE" that I told them when they were little. Where we lived was very near a big park, and every Saturday and Sunday an ice cream van would circle around and around playing Greensleeves through a tannoy and enticing all of the neighbourhood kids outside for a sugar-hit. I couldn't handle the pleading, and so I told my boys that when the ice-cream man played his song, it meant that he had run out of ice-cream and was heading back to the ice-cream factory for more. He was playing his song to cheer himself up.
They believed me. One day, of course, they were explaining this to some friends and were told the truth. That I had lied to them. Luckily they were pretty big by this time and were able to laugh about it and understand the reasons behind the lie. I feel pretty bad about having lied to them, but anyone who knows what it's like to be CONSTANTLY saying NO to 2 small children might be able to empathise with me on this one.
Toto was not a cuddly baby. He was long and thin and had a long neck (kind of like a very cute ET!). I nicknamed him "Lerty" as he was always so alert. DH had left, I was preggers and sad and desperate for cuddles when I accidentally found a way to get them from him.
I took him through a car wash. To say that he didn't like it is a bit of an understatement! He screamed and howled until I unstrapped him and held him in my lap. Once there, he stopped crying, wrapped his little arms around my neck and snuggled me like there was no tomorrow.
Needless to say, my car was kept VERY clean with VERY regular car washes after that. (Not quite a lie, but a manipulation of the situation to achieve my own wants.)
And of course I have lied regularly and constantly to them about DH. I protect them as much as I can from the hideous truth and make excuses for his lousy behaviour towards them. And now I think they have been doing the same thing to me. They are beginning to tell me things that I can't believe they have never told me before. I guess I shouldn't be surprised. I guess I've taught them to protect the ones that you love, but it's hard to be on the receiving end of it.
What, if any, lies have you told your kids over the years? Did your parents ever lie to you?
Saturday, December 13, 2008
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9 comments:
Jack is terrified of tornados. I told him that if they got you, all that happened was you were taken to Oz. And not the Australia Oz. I felt bad, but he was so scared. My feeling was if a tornado got us, we'd die, and maybe the after life is like Oz.
I don't know.
My feeling is we should let kids have their fantasies, but once they start really questioning things, we should be honest.
When we went on the Disney cruise, I called the kids on the phone and pretended to be various Disney characters. Jack was delighted. He kept asking me questions about it--trying to figure it all out. I finally told him it was me. He looked shocked and disappointed for a moment. Then he got over it and asked me to pretend to be the characters again and call him.
I told him recently about Santa Claus. He asks about the tooth fairy. I don't give him a definite answer. I think he wants to believe, but he has his doubts.
As for the tornado thing, I think there's a difference between lying and creating fantasies. I forbid lying with Jack. It makes me furious when someone lies to cover up a mistake. But he does very often make up stories. He'll tell me things that happened to him and other members of the family. I know they're not true. It's not a lie to me though. It's using his imagination. And he knows I know. The rule is though....if I AM confused and ask him is this real or are you making it up, he has to tell me. And he does. The funny thing is when he tells me a story that is obviously pretend. I'll play a long--I guess too well. Then he'll stop and say "Mommy, it's made up." He almost seems a bit nervous. Oh no! Is my mom that gullible?
I know other people who have used the icecream truck story! lol
I think its brilliant you have given your boys the truth when asked, and as long as the answers are comprehensible to them at the time, I think its the best way.
My Boo came home from her dad's the other day with 'secrets' (don't tell your mum stuff that she was told was a secret). Nothing sinister, but I have been teaching her for awhile, that mummy and her don't keep secrets from each other, but sometimes we might have surprises for each other! So she tells me most things that she's been told not too! The credit for that comes from Megan over at imagineif.
Are you sure your lying to the boys about DH? Or are you just omitting? There is a difference you know!?!
Goodness me, I was just thinking about this last night.
Someone else had posted about the tooth fairy. I asked Beefcake what fibs we had used when we had forgotten to be tooth fairy overnight. Poss and Rhubarb were both in the room.
Rhubarb and I both saw Poss' odd reaction. She denied it, saying she already knew. I don't think so. She says she still believes in Father Christmas.I felt really guilty. First for having created the fantasy and then shattering it so thoughtlessly.
We've discussed the idea of not introducing the myths to Pudding and Grub at all as Pudding is only old enough to really get it this year. B wants to keep it up so I guess we will.
I have had to tell countless lies to Rhubarb and Poss over their father. Not just omit stuff but actively lie. It's awful. I hate to do it but I feel they would be far more damaged by the truth at this age.
I am not a good liar. It sucks.
My eldest found out about the tooth fairy, easter bunny and Father Christmas all in one memorable week. It was traumatic.
I blogged it, of course.
He asked that at 6? No! Does that mean this is my last Christmas with little babies who believe in the magic of Santa Claus??!! :)
I think it's great that you were honest with him and having that as your own little secret now has obviously contributed to the trust he has in you.
I have been thinking about this in relation to Guerita and her trusting me and being able to tell me anything and I won't repeat it if she doesn't want me to. I have promised not tell any of the secrets she tells me.
Of course, I am lying through my teeth to them about their father at the moment, to protect them. But just because they are little doesn't mean we shouldn't respect them as people too.
Having said that, I really hope I don't have to answer the Santa Claus question for a few years yet!!! ;)
xxx
I was never going to even have Santa in my girl's life - but she found out about him and fell in love.
I could not break her heart - but I also never lied. Of course, she would have to ask a darned straight question to get the full truth.
When it came to a head, it was over Tooth Fairy - another concoction I got bullied into by the world - and I told her the truth.
I told her it was about magic and parents want to create magic for their children.
Santa is about believing in good and giving happiness. It doesn't have to be a person (and especially not complete strangers in shopping centres) but it has to do with wishes and wanting a bit of special joy.
I luckily never had to deal with too much carp from my ex with my daughter - however, when he was in the thralls of mental illness, we moved and I told my daughter the name of our new suburb - but I told her a different name - so that she would never have to lie.
I try not to lie, but I avoid the possiblity of questions I don't want to answer truthfully! That's working for me so far.
Am still pissed at my mom for one particular Christmas. I was at least ten, and knew without a doubt by then that there was in fact, no Santa.
Then I got a very beautiful hand-carved chest for Christmas. Indeed, it looked as though an elf had made it. And she kept telling me that it was made my one of Santa's elves. I kept telling her that Santa wasn't real, I knew that, and honestly wanted to know who had made the pretty thing. She caved in days later, but only after I broke down crying in frustration over being lied to!
my whole childhood was one big coverup to hide the fact that my father was abusive and my mother didn't have the wherewithal to do anything about it and had her own issues.
I've spent most of the past 20 years breaking free of that lie...and for the past 3 months have been finally excavating my past and dealing with things I'd never worked through before. Thus the blogging hiatus. It was just too much all at once. And I realized I've been depressed for years and started treatment. So that's the big lie in my life. I am enjoying living in the land of light and truth, free of deception. It's very liberating.
Recently my DH, who became an atheist and then later an agnostic within a couple years of our marriage, but who has kept up appearances and attended church all these years anyway, came clean with our oldest child and let her know he doesn't believe in god. It was a defining moment in her life, but she's been amazingly mature and resilient about it. She told us it was the "thing she feared the most", but that strangely, it strengthened her faith and testimony in god to know the truth about her daddy. I just explained we're all on our own journeys and doing our best. That's been a huge change in my family this past month. the one thing I'm starting to count on is everything changing constantly.
thanks for delurking and for your nice comment!
♥
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