I found this very moving. I can only hope that this articulate young woman grows up and pursues a career in the UN. Or, at the very least, becomes a Prime Ministerial Speech Writer.
Sunday, March 29, 2009
Saturday, March 28, 2009
The phone call every parent dreads.....
Boo's school telephoned me on Friday.
"Ummm, this is Boo's school. He has had an accident in the playground and we think he might need some stitches in his face. He's in great distress. Can you come immediately or should we call an ambulance?"
I swear I went into shock before I had even hung up the phone. I don't remember anything of my drive to the school, but I will never forget his blood-soaked face and shirt and his howling cries when I arrived there.
He had been playing BullRush and had been accidentaly tripped up by a friend. Unfortunately he fell, while moving at great speed, into a wooden seat. His top lip was split completely through and his knees were pretty banged up. Other than that, and the danger that he might have been unconscious for a few seconds after the fall, he was mainly in shock.
I'm not the best when it comes to my own children's blood. I am THE person you want to have around if it's YOUR child who's bleeding, but I'm a mass of jelly when it's my own flesh and blood's blood.
Boo was howling that he didn't want to go to the hospital and I was trying to focus on soothing him and not having a car accident and not passing out myself...
Somehow we made it to the local Emergency room.... which was so full that people were actually waiting outside. A nearby Emergency room had closed down due to a fire the night before and this one was therefore catering for both.
It took a couple of hours to be seen by a doctor, who immediately called for a Plastic Surgeon to consult as the split lip was so serious. Another 2 hours and the Plastics doc got there, only to disappear again after having told our doctor how to stitch it.
It was horrendous. I swear the local anaesthetic didn't work. Boo was in such agony during the stitching that the doctor was tempted to cut the number of stitches in order to stop his pain. It was unbearable to watch. In fact, I can't believe that I did watch it. He squeezed my hands so hard that they are still a bit achey today. He screamed. Literally screamed. And he's not usually scared of pain.
And then he had to have TWO horrible horrible tetanus shots.
And the only thing he wanted for his reward for bravery (I would have given him the world at this point)? Five spicy chicken wings from a local chicken shop for dinner. Sheesh.
And to sleep in my bed.
It's a DH weekend this weekend. But he wanted to stay with me last night. DH picked him up this morning under strict instructions that Boo is not to over-exert himself, swim, get the stitches wet etc.
Keep your fingers crossed.
Me? I'm still a bit shaky and upset. It's going to be a big scar (unless he lets me massage him with Vitamin A for months afterwards) and he'll never be able to grow a mo (no big loss, I guess)... but hopefully his lip shape will be normal and there will be no other consequences. It's more the horror of seeing my baby in agony, and being reminded of the vulnerability of all that we have. It could have been so much worse.
I'm taking it slow today.
"Ummm, this is Boo's school. He has had an accident in the playground and we think he might need some stitches in his face. He's in great distress. Can you come immediately or should we call an ambulance?"
I swear I went into shock before I had even hung up the phone. I don't remember anything of my drive to the school, but I will never forget his blood-soaked face and shirt and his howling cries when I arrived there.
He had been playing BullRush and had been accidentaly tripped up by a friend. Unfortunately he fell, while moving at great speed, into a wooden seat. His top lip was split completely through and his knees were pretty banged up. Other than that, and the danger that he might have been unconscious for a few seconds after the fall, he was mainly in shock.
I'm not the best when it comes to my own children's blood. I am THE person you want to have around if it's YOUR child who's bleeding, but I'm a mass of jelly when it's my own flesh and blood's blood.
Boo was howling that he didn't want to go to the hospital and I was trying to focus on soothing him and not having a car accident and not passing out myself...
Somehow we made it to the local Emergency room.... which was so full that people were actually waiting outside. A nearby Emergency room had closed down due to a fire the night before and this one was therefore catering for both.
It took a couple of hours to be seen by a doctor, who immediately called for a Plastic Surgeon to consult as the split lip was so serious. Another 2 hours and the Plastics doc got there, only to disappear again after having told our doctor how to stitch it.
It was horrendous. I swear the local anaesthetic didn't work. Boo was in such agony during the stitching that the doctor was tempted to cut the number of stitches in order to stop his pain. It was unbearable to watch. In fact, I can't believe that I did watch it. He squeezed my hands so hard that they are still a bit achey today. He screamed. Literally screamed. And he's not usually scared of pain.
And then he had to have TWO horrible horrible tetanus shots.
And the only thing he wanted for his reward for bravery (I would have given him the world at this point)? Five spicy chicken wings from a local chicken shop for dinner. Sheesh.
And to sleep in my bed.
It's a DH weekend this weekend. But he wanted to stay with me last night. DH picked him up this morning under strict instructions that Boo is not to over-exert himself, swim, get the stitches wet etc.
Keep your fingers crossed.
Me? I'm still a bit shaky and upset. It's going to be a big scar (unless he lets me massage him with Vitamin A for months afterwards) and he'll never be able to grow a mo (no big loss, I guess)... but hopefully his lip shape will be normal and there will be no other consequences. It's more the horror of seeing my baby in agony, and being reminded of the vulnerability of all that we have. It could have been so much worse.
I'm taking it slow today.
My Kafka-esque world...
*Sigh*
Well.... the Child Support Agency Change of Assessment decision was handed down last week. It was decided slightly in my favour. That is, the amount of Child Support was increased. But by such a minimal amount that I feel wronged by the process anyway.
Then the system kicked in.
The amount doesn't matter. They still "can't" force him to pay it. The debt will grow, BUT.... it can be removed by a judge.
And, according to the opinion of my Child Support Agency rep, it is likely to happen, with a debt of this size.
See.... apparently in this country the onus is on the payee parent to ensure that her children survive (obviously thriving doesn't matter) without the paying parent's support. And if she/he does, the judge says "You survived without receiving the child support and therefore you don't need it now" and removes the debt. Never mind quality of life. Never mind the severely reduced circumstances and opportunities of the mother and the increased wealth of the father.
And therefore the paying parent gets away scot-free.
And because DH's debt, through the Child Support Agency, is over $100,000 (which is not a huge amount over 10 years), and because my children and I aren't living on the streets, I've obviously managed without it.
It's insane.
Kafka couldn't have made this up.
Well.... the Child Support Agency Change of Assessment decision was handed down last week. It was decided slightly in my favour. That is, the amount of Child Support was increased. But by such a minimal amount that I feel wronged by the process anyway.
Then the system kicked in.
The amount doesn't matter. They still "can't" force him to pay it. The debt will grow, BUT.... it can be removed by a judge.
And, according to the opinion of my Child Support Agency rep, it is likely to happen, with a debt of this size.
See.... apparently in this country the onus is on the payee parent to ensure that her children survive (obviously thriving doesn't matter) without the paying parent's support. And if she/he does, the judge says "You survived without receiving the child support and therefore you don't need it now" and removes the debt. Never mind quality of life. Never mind the severely reduced circumstances and opportunities of the mother and the increased wealth of the father.
And therefore the paying parent gets away scot-free.
And because DH's debt, through the Child Support Agency, is over $100,000 (which is not a huge amount over 10 years), and because my children and I aren't living on the streets, I've obviously managed without it.
It's insane.
Kafka couldn't have made this up.
Sunday, March 22, 2009
Boy Heaven....
This weekend was spent at a great friends' farm.
We "grown ups" cooked, walked, talked, went into "town" for coffee and supplies, read our books.....
... while the boys played cricket, watched "The Life of Brian" (insert evil mummy laugh here) and *gulp* had their first driving lessons.
They were actually bloody good! See for yourself!...
We "grown ups" cooked, walked, talked, went into "town" for coffee and supplies, read our books.....
... while the boys played cricket, watched "The Life of Brian" (insert evil mummy laugh here) and *gulp* had their first driving lessons.
They were actually bloody good! See for yourself!...
FAMILY COURT RALLY & PETITION Sunday 3rd MAY 2009
I've taken this straight off a Facebook Group of the same name.
Please sign this petition even if you live outside of Australia. It's an issue which affects so many of our children and our government MUST do something about it....
The death of so many of our country's children at the hand of their parents have shocked us all.
But have they shocked Australian politicians enough to make them review and amend the way the Family Court of Australia deals with children where domestic violence or sexual abuse allegations are made?
We hope so.
We are organizing this petition and a rally to be held in every capital city in Australia.
PLEASE SIGN THE FOLLOWING PETITION
http://www.gopetition.com.au/petitions/family-court-of-australia-amendments.html
Parents (and their family) currently involved in FCA dispute will need to wear red hoods or scarves to disguise themselves so they can't be identified for legal reasons.
Red will signify the blood of Australian children being shed by FCA orders which force children to have access to, or shared care with parents who are violent or sexually abusive.
Please read the discussion forum to see what you can do, the latest updates on the organizing, and more information about the protest.
Importantly, please sign the petition and send it to your networks, personally asking them to pass it on. This is how we CAN make a difference.
We already have media interest and dozens of volunteers helping with this. Be part of an event that will help save children's lives.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This is an extract of a letter sent to the Attorney General's Dept recently. It was forwarded to me by Prof Freda Briggs.
You might find the list of incidents at the end of the extract, pretty amazing. I did.
"Since the reforms of 1996 and 2006, there is a palpable reluctance by the courts to reduce contact between parents and children, even when there is ample evidence that one parent has engaged in behaviours congruent with domestic violence or 'intimate terrorism' as described by the AIFS study where category C is ascribed to the most severe form of interpersonal violence. This is also in spite of The Family Law Act 1975, (Cth) s60B, (b) and (c). Justice Wall from the UK has stated that,
"I was concerned to read in a number of places in the files that reliance was placed on the proposition that it may be safe to order contact where domestic violence had been perpetrated on the mother, but not on the child. In my judgment it needs to be recalled that Drs Sturge and Glaser pointed out that domestic violence involved "a very serious and significant failure in parenting- failure to protect the child and failure to protect the child emotionally (and in some cases physically) - which meets the definition of child abuse. It is, in my view, high time that the Family Justice System abandoned any reliance on the proposition that a man can have a history of violence to the mother of his children but, nonetheless, be a good father."
"However, in Australia the reasoning seems to indicate that the judiciary continues to believe that a parent who has been physically violent to the other does not indicate that they are a danger to the children of the marriage. For example;
"However, on the father's own admission, he has acted in ways that would bear the description of "domestic violence". This includes putting his hands around the neck of the mother. It may be also that other conduct, though falling short of physical assault, but which was aggressive and angry, would also fit that description. He was probably controlling and dominant in the relationship with the mother. This might also fit the description of domestic violence. As well, he was a times physically domineering in applying physical discipline to [the 18 month old child], such as straddling her on the bed and holding her head or face to ensure her attention. All of these behaviours are indications of an approach to relationships and parenting, less than optimal, in times past. As well, it is clear enough that he has not been alert to crossing personal boundaries."
This father continues to have unsupervised contact with this child.
The causal factors between the dynamic of domestic violence, its range of indicators and the dangers this behaviour poses to the children of the marriage continue to be ignored by the judiciary, report writers, the legal practitioners and even the police department. This has resulted in the growing list of deaths of children from a family of origin where domestic violence can be ascribed as the feature of the breakdown in the relationship. Fears for the safety of children are ignored. Consider the following sample:
• 1996 - January 25: Peter May shot and killed his three children, Lisa eleven, Andrew eight, and Natalie seven during a contact visit. On the same day, he also killed his wife and her parents. May's history of domestic violence and links to the Men's Rights Agency was commonly known and reported,
• 1998 – October 23: After Ronald Jonkers lost custody of Aaron DeBaugy 5, Ashlee seventeen months and David seven, he poisoned them by carbon monoxide in their car on a contact visit in Perth,
• 1999 – August: WA four young children were gassed along with their father Mark Heath after a family court dispute,
• 2000 - Rhonda Bartley was shot dead by her ex-partner in Berri while attending a court ordered contact handover of their baby daughter,
• 2001 - September: Mikaylah Green eleven weeks, Taylah Pringle eleven months and Jackson Merrott six, were smothered by their father on a contact visit in Sydney,
• 2002- Ana Hardwick 35 is strangled by her former partner after the family court granted her custody of their eleven and eight year old children,
• 2004 – April 26: Jessie Dalton nineteen months and Patrick Dalton thirteen weeks were smothered by their separated father Jayson Dalton after a family court order to him to return the infants to their mother Dionne,
• 2005 – 4th September: Robert Farquharson killed his sons Jai ten, Tyler seven, and Bailey two, by driving them into a dam in Winchelsea, south-west of Melbourne on Fathers' Day contact visit,
• 2008 – May 9: The body of three year old Imran Zilic, was found after his father threw him down a mine on an access visit,
• 2008 – January 3: Christopher McEwen raped and then killed his daughter Rhiannon McEwen on Bribie Island on New Years Eve. The matter of the children's residency was before the Family Court in 2004 where the father was given residency of all three children. It is not known to this writer if it was by consent. However, this father was cleared by a psychiatrist to leave a Brisbane hospital's mental health unit just nine days before he allegedly raped and murdered his ten-year-old daughter. Queensland Health did not report the man – who had spent two weeks as an involuntary patient in the hospital's mental health unit – to the Department of Child Safety. Given this man's mental condition, the question is how in 2004 was it that he obtained sole custody of his four children aged between six and ten?
• 2009 – January 29: Arthur Freeman unbuckled Darcey from her seat in the family Toyota Land Cruiser on the West Gate Bridge about 9.15am and threw her over the edge and into the Yarra River 58m below. She died in hospital four hours later. The tragedy occurred one day after the Freemans had reached an agreement over access to Darcey and their two other children, Benjamin six, and Jackson two, following their separation in 2007. "
Please sign this petition even if you live outside of Australia. It's an issue which affects so many of our children and our government MUST do something about it....
The death of so many of our country's children at the hand of their parents have shocked us all.
But have they shocked Australian politicians enough to make them review and amend the way the Family Court of Australia deals with children where domestic violence or sexual abuse allegations are made?
We hope so.
We are organizing this petition and a rally to be held in every capital city in Australia.
PLEASE SIGN THE FOLLOWING PETITION
http://www.gopetition.com.
Parents (and their family) currently involved in FCA dispute will need to wear red hoods or scarves to disguise themselves so they can't be identified for legal reasons.
Red will signify the blood of Australian children being shed by FCA orders which force children to have access to, or shared care with parents who are violent or sexually abusive.
Please read the discussion forum to see what you can do, the latest updates on the organizing, and more information about the protest.
Importantly, please sign the petition and send it to your networks, personally asking them to pass it on. This is how we CAN make a difference.
We already have media interest and dozens of volunteers helping with this. Be part of an event that will help save children's lives.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This is an extract of a letter sent to the Attorney General's Dept recently. It was forwarded to me by Prof Freda Briggs.
You might find the list of incidents at the end of the extract, pretty amazing. I did.
"Since the reforms of 1996 and 2006, there is a palpable reluctance by the courts to reduce contact between parents and children, even when there is ample evidence that one parent has engaged in behaviours congruent with domestic violence or 'intimate terrorism' as described by the AIFS study where category C is ascribed to the most severe form of interpersonal violence. This is also in spite of The Family Law Act 1975, (Cth) s60B, (b) and (c). Justice Wall from the UK has stated that,
"I was concerned to read in a number of places in the files that reliance was placed on the proposition that it may be safe to order contact where domestic violence had been perpetrated on the mother, but not on the child. In my judgment it needs to be recalled that Drs Sturge and Glaser pointed out that domestic violence involved "a very serious and significant failure in parenting- failure to protect the child and failure to protect the child emotionally (and in some cases physically) - which meets the definition of child abuse. It is, in my view, high time that the Family Justice System abandoned any reliance on the proposition that a man can have a history of violence to the mother of his children but, nonetheless, be a good father."
"However, in Australia the reasoning seems to indicate that the judiciary continues to believe that a parent who has been physically violent to the other does not indicate that they are a danger to the children of the marriage. For example;
"However, on the father's own admission, he has acted in ways that would bear the description of "domestic violence". This includes putting his hands around the neck of the mother. It may be also that other conduct, though falling short of physical assault, but which was aggressive and angry, would also fit that description. He was probably controlling and dominant in the relationship with the mother. This might also fit the description of domestic violence. As well, he was a times physically domineering in applying physical discipline to [the 18 month old child], such as straddling her on the bed and holding her head or face to ensure her attention. All of these behaviours are indications of an approach to relationships and parenting, less than optimal, in times past. As well, it is clear enough that he has not been alert to crossing personal boundaries."
This father continues to have unsupervised contact with this child.
The causal factors between the dynamic of domestic violence, its range of indicators and the dangers this behaviour poses to the children of the marriage continue to be ignored by the judiciary, report writers, the legal practitioners and even the police department. This has resulted in the growing list of deaths of children from a family of origin where domestic violence can be ascribed as the feature of the breakdown in the relationship. Fears for the safety of children are ignored. Consider the following sample:
• 1996 - January 25: Peter May shot and killed his three children, Lisa eleven, Andrew eight, and Natalie seven during a contact visit. On the same day, he also killed his wife and her parents. May's history of domestic violence and links to the Men's Rights Agency was commonly known and reported,
• 1998 – October 23: After Ronald Jonkers lost custody of Aaron DeBaugy 5, Ashlee seventeen months and David seven, he poisoned them by carbon monoxide in their car on a contact visit in Perth,
• 1999 – August: WA four young children were gassed along with their father Mark Heath after a family court dispute,
• 2000 - Rhonda Bartley was shot dead by her ex-partner in Berri while attending a court ordered contact handover of their baby daughter,
• 2001 - September: Mikaylah Green eleven weeks, Taylah Pringle eleven months and Jackson Merrott six, were smothered by their father on a contact visit in Sydney,
• 2002- Ana Hardwick 35 is strangled by her former partner after the family court granted her custody of their eleven and eight year old children,
• 2004 – April 26: Jessie Dalton nineteen months and Patrick Dalton thirteen weeks were smothered by their separated father Jayson Dalton after a family court order to him to return the infants to their mother Dionne,
• 2005 – 4th September: Robert Farquharson killed his sons Jai ten, Tyler seven, and Bailey two, by driving them into a dam in Winchelsea, south-west of Melbourne on Fathers' Day contact visit,
• 2008 – May 9: The body of three year old Imran Zilic, was found after his father threw him down a mine on an access visit,
• 2008 – January 3: Christopher McEwen raped and then killed his daughter Rhiannon McEwen on Bribie Island on New Years Eve. The matter of the children's residency was before the Family Court in 2004 where the father was given residency of all three children. It is not known to this writer if it was by consent. However, this father was cleared by a psychiatrist to leave a Brisbane hospital's mental health unit just nine days before he allegedly raped and murdered his ten-year-old daughter. Queensland Health did not report the man – who had spent two weeks as an involuntary patient in the hospital's mental health unit – to the Department of Child Safety. Given this man's mental condition, the question is how in 2004 was it that he obtained sole custody of his four children aged between six and ten?
• 2009 – January 29: Arthur Freeman unbuckled Darcey from her seat in the family Toyota Land Cruiser on the West Gate Bridge about 9.15am and threw her over the edge and into the Yarra River 58m below. She died in hospital four hours later. The tragedy occurred one day after the Freemans had reached an agreement over access to Darcey and their two other children, Benjamin six, and Jackson two, following their separation in 2007. "
Friday, March 13, 2009
I feel like a new woman....
I've just been to the hairdresser! First time in 8 months (I was going to name this post "Eight Months Between Roots" but I wasn't sure that my non-Australian friends would understand the humour in that one).
3 hours of having foils put in, taken out, my hair washed, a treatment and a head massage, and I truly do feel amazingly different. No wonder some women do this every month!
Toto came home after school to do an assignment, as he feels that he can't do it at DH's house. He says that DH doesn't help him with his homework when he's stuck, and gives him a set time limit in which to complete it. If he doesn't manage it all in that time, DH gets angry and tells him that he has to take the consequences at school.
Boo organised a playdate across the road so that he would be here when DH came to collect them both at 6pm.
So, now they're both gone and I'm facing a weekend of selfishness. I've got two books lined up that I've been longing to read... and a list of movies that I'd love to see. And other than that... I plan to sleep. Next week is going to be huge. Family Court ordered counselling on Monday and a couple of big jobs during the week.
Can you tell that I'm feeling enormously better?
3 hours of having foils put in, taken out, my hair washed, a treatment and a head massage, and I truly do feel amazingly different. No wonder some women do this every month!
Toto came home after school to do an assignment, as he feels that he can't do it at DH's house. He says that DH doesn't help him with his homework when he's stuck, and gives him a set time limit in which to complete it. If he doesn't manage it all in that time, DH gets angry and tells him that he has to take the consequences at school.
Boo organised a playdate across the road so that he would be here when DH came to collect them both at 6pm.
So, now they're both gone and I'm facing a weekend of selfishness. I've got two books lined up that I've been longing to read... and a list of movies that I'd love to see. And other than that... I plan to sleep. Next week is going to be huge. Family Court ordered counselling on Monday and a couple of big jobs during the week.
Can you tell that I'm feeling enormously better?
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Oooooh I'm cross.....
I mentioned in my last post that I've had quite a bit of work over the past couple of weeks. Amongst that was a lot of preparative work for a collaboration with someone else for ongoing seminars. Meetings have been held, websites have been created, rooms booked and p.r. companies have been hired. Hours of creative mind-melding work (challenging at the moment) have been wrung out of my exhausted brain.
And today we had a meeting.
I've been a little bit protective of my "product" as I have no way of legally protecting the content that makes me "stand out above the crowd". But today's meeting was about discussing specific content and examples. And I gave those freely.
And at the end of the meeting, I was told that an ex-co-worker of his had recently returned from London and would possibly therefore be presenting the first couple of seminars with him. I could still, of course, pass on to my clients the marketing information as the seminar will be so incredibly useful to them.
I was speechless.
No amount of "of course we may still use you for other ones in the future" could bring my chin up off the floor.
I feel violated. And SO pissed off because I had allowed myself to count on the income to get me out of the mess I'm in.
And I have no one to blame but myself.
And today we had a meeting.
I've been a little bit protective of my "product" as I have no way of legally protecting the content that makes me "stand out above the crowd". But today's meeting was about discussing specific content and examples. And I gave those freely.
And at the end of the meeting, I was told that an ex-co-worker of his had recently returned from London and would possibly therefore be presenting the first couple of seminars with him. I could still, of course, pass on to my clients the marketing information as the seminar will be so incredibly useful to them.
I was speechless.
No amount of "of course we may still use you for other ones in the future" could bring my chin up off the floor.
I feel violated. And SO pissed off because I had allowed myself to count on the income to get me out of the mess I'm in.
And I have no one to blame but myself.
Saturday, March 7, 2009
I don't want to jinx anything.... but.....
... apart from spending yesterday crying for absolutely no reason... I'm feeling a bit better.
It's amazing how light things seem when the darkness begins to lift. Every single action, every obligation, every otherwise enjoyable event has seemed like an insurmountable challenge. I've enjoyed things during this time... but the effort to get to things, or prepare for things has worn me out. And I've needed recovery time. Lots.
One of the most noticeable things for me was my loss of confidence. I decided that my photography skills were shockingly pathetic, my Photoshop skills even more so, and that I was kidding myself if I thought that I could write a sentence worth publishing on a world-wide forum. I'm still feeling pretty shaky about those three things, but I'm reminding myself that I'm not doing this for any reason other than my own desire to connect with other wonderful like-minded bloggers. And that they you are not judging me.
I've also been working quite a lot over the last few weeks... minus my normally wonderful confidence. It has been totally exhausting, sometimes uncomfortable and, had I not known that this was not my "normal" state of operating, I would have been thrown into a turmoil about my professional skills and abilities.
And, of course, the legal crap continues. Painfully slowly. Inchingly, revoltingly slowly. DH and I have had one of the arbitrations cancelled. It was quite hilarious actually. Hmmm. We had a Social Security Appeals Tribunal pre-arbitration phone conference regarding DH's objection to a decision by the Child Support Agency that went in my favour. His objection was completely irrelevant to the actual decision and it didn't take long for the SSAT representative to point that out to DH. He dismissed the Appeal that same day. One thing that did come out of the phone call was that DH has lodged another case against me in the Family Court. One that I have not been notified about yet. Something else to look forward to.
That same afternoon Toto had a "Meet The Teachers" bbq at his school. Which meant that I had to see, and even talk to, DH. I didn't stop shaking for about 12 hours from the effort required to maintain an even keel. My darling Toto said "Mum, I'm really proud of you... You're doing such a good job of being nice to Dad" which of course kept me seemingly calm and focussed.
This was one of the highlights of the past couple of weeks... actually it was two of the highlights as we were lucky enough to be able to meet up twice....
So.... hopefully the skies will stay brighter in my perspective for a while. I know that I am not broken. I simply have too much stress in my life right now and will need to manage my time and resources better to avoid this kind of extended darkness.
The tears that continue to roll are more about what my boys are feeling. I stole a look at Toto's English book at school the other day. Under the heading "My Family" he wrote about his divorced parents both wanting him to live with them. And he wrote "but I prefer to live with my Mum". I hadn't realised how much I needed to see those words. To know that, despite their adamant spoken words to me, they weren't just telling me what they thought I wanted to hear.
This is the only photograph that I've taken over the past month or so that I actually really like. Boo is concentrating on his Nintendo DS... lying next to me on my bed... with the strong western sunlight mottled by the blind. They're growing so quickly at the moment and I'm trying to capture those childish expressions that will soon disappear. Not so easy as they've both suddenly become quite camera shy. Bugger.
It's amazing how light things seem when the darkness begins to lift. Every single action, every obligation, every otherwise enjoyable event has seemed like an insurmountable challenge. I've enjoyed things during this time... but the effort to get to things, or prepare for things has worn me out. And I've needed recovery time. Lots.
One of the most noticeable things for me was my loss of confidence. I decided that my photography skills were shockingly pathetic, my Photoshop skills even more so, and that I was kidding myself if I thought that I could write a sentence worth publishing on a world-wide forum. I'm still feeling pretty shaky about those three things, but I'm reminding myself that I'm not doing this for any reason other than my own desire to connect with other wonderful like-minded bloggers. And that they you are not judging me.
I've also been working quite a lot over the last few weeks... minus my normally wonderful confidence. It has been totally exhausting, sometimes uncomfortable and, had I not known that this was not my "normal" state of operating, I would have been thrown into a turmoil about my professional skills and abilities.
And, of course, the legal crap continues. Painfully slowly. Inchingly, revoltingly slowly. DH and I have had one of the arbitrations cancelled. It was quite hilarious actually. Hmmm. We had a Social Security Appeals Tribunal pre-arbitration phone conference regarding DH's objection to a decision by the Child Support Agency that went in my favour. His objection was completely irrelevant to the actual decision and it didn't take long for the SSAT representative to point that out to DH. He dismissed the Appeal that same day. One thing that did come out of the phone call was that DH has lodged another case against me in the Family Court. One that I have not been notified about yet. Something else to look forward to.
That same afternoon Toto had a "Meet The Teachers" bbq at his school. Which meant that I had to see, and even talk to, DH. I didn't stop shaking for about 12 hours from the effort required to maintain an even keel. My darling Toto said "Mum, I'm really proud of you... You're doing such a good job of being nice to Dad" which of course kept me seemingly calm and focussed.
This was one of the highlights of the past couple of weeks... actually it was two of the highlights as we were lucky enough to be able to meet up twice....
So.... hopefully the skies will stay brighter in my perspective for a while. I know that I am not broken. I simply have too much stress in my life right now and will need to manage my time and resources better to avoid this kind of extended darkness.
The tears that continue to roll are more about what my boys are feeling. I stole a look at Toto's English book at school the other day. Under the heading "My Family" he wrote about his divorced parents both wanting him to live with them. And he wrote "but I prefer to live with my Mum". I hadn't realised how much I needed to see those words. To know that, despite their adamant spoken words to me, they weren't just telling me what they thought I wanted to hear.
This is the only photograph that I've taken over the past month or so that I actually really like. Boo is concentrating on his Nintendo DS... lying next to me on my bed... with the strong western sunlight mottled by the blind. They're growing so quickly at the moment and I'm trying to capture those childish expressions that will soon disappear. Not so easy as they've both suddenly become quite camera shy. Bugger.
Saturday, February 28, 2009
The Girl Who IS Australian...
It's been another week between posts. A fact that both shocks me and doesn't surprise me at all, in equal proportions.
It's been a week filled with more nastiness from DH (I probably should explain every now and then for my newer friends that DH does NOT stand for Dear Husband here on my blog. It stands for Dick Head. My ex-husband. Sorry to be so blunt. But there you have it.) and more downtimes for me.
But there have been some bright spots too and all in all I can feel my spirit lifting. God knows I've been trying.
On Thursday night we had Dina (and her husband Tim and son Jack) from The Girl Who Wished She Was Australian over for dinner. We'd organised this before she left Texas for her Australian holiday, and I wasn't going to let a little bout of depression stop me from meeting her. I will, however, admit to feeling more than my usual sense of anxiety prior to meeting a bloggy friend for the very first time.
We had a fantastic evening. All that wasted anxiety!! It was as though we'd known each other for years. Really. We were laughing at the most ridiculous things within about an hour.... a real indication of true simpatico in my books. We played Trivial Pursuit, ate large amounts of food and became good friends. All in the space of a few hours. (photos soon... I promise).
It was so good, in fact, that we're doing it again next week.
And I feel up to it. A true leap forward from the way I've been feeling these last few weeks.
So many of you have emailed me "just checking in". THANK YOU. Thank you. Thank you.
It's been a week filled with more nastiness from DH (I probably should explain every now and then for my newer friends that DH does NOT stand for Dear Husband here on my blog. It stands for Dick Head. My ex-husband. Sorry to be so blunt. But there you have it.) and more downtimes for me.
But there have been some bright spots too and all in all I can feel my spirit lifting. God knows I've been trying.
On Thursday night we had Dina (and her husband Tim and son Jack) from The Girl Who Wished She Was Australian over for dinner. We'd organised this before she left Texas for her Australian holiday, and I wasn't going to let a little bout of depression stop me from meeting her. I will, however, admit to feeling more than my usual sense of anxiety prior to meeting a bloggy friend for the very first time.
We had a fantastic evening. All that wasted anxiety!! It was as though we'd known each other for years. Really. We were laughing at the most ridiculous things within about an hour.... a real indication of true simpatico in my books. We played Trivial Pursuit, ate large amounts of food and became good friends. All in the space of a few hours. (photos soon... I promise).
It was so good, in fact, that we're doing it again next week.
And I feel up to it. A true leap forward from the way I've been feeling these last few weeks.
So many of you have emailed me "just checking in". THANK YOU. Thank you. Thank you.
Saturday, February 21, 2009
Darkness....
I’m still in a dark dark place... and the energy required to do the things that I HAVE to do leaves me totally and utterly depleted. But I’m still here... and I draw strength and a feeling of connection by reading all my fave bloggy-friends’ posts.
My friend is back in the hospital. In fact, since I last wrote about her, she’s been in and out three times. You can only imagine how awful this has been. I remain optimistic about her long term recovery, however, and this helps me keep in touch with the sliver of hope that my own “funk” will ease soon.
DH has been overstepping his boundaries with the boys. He telephones them every day and night, and yesterday he actually picked them up from school and took them for a “play” WITHOUT TELLING ME. He’s doing this to try to prove to a registrar that he is a great Dad, and to try to make up to the boys for years of not giving a shit, but you don’t do that to a mother who is worried sick because her 10 year old son is 15 minutes late home from school. My brain is imploding because apparently if a mother does this she is “clingy” and “invasive” but if a father does this he is “caring” and “enthusiastic”.
And of course Toto and Boo are trying to look after me emotionally. I try SO hard to hide this stuff from them.... SO hard. But it’s impossible to hide the puffy eyes from crying all day, or the burnt dinner from forgetting that I was cooking at all, or the anger with their father for bringing them home with homework undone and school clothes unwashed, and for interrupting our time together every day.
Mainly it’s just the fact that I cry at the drop of a pin.
This is so not good at this point in the legal proceedings. It’s such a catch-22. If it wasn’t for the legal stuff I wouldn’t BE in this depressive episode. And that’s where my brain catches fire and starts melting and my tear ducts develop a mind of their own.
Still, the boys seem to be okay. Boo laughed at me the other day when I was trying to say something positive about DH. He laughed in a comfortable way... and said “Mum, I know you’re trying to make us feel better, but you don’t have to lie”. It’s so tempting to say “Phew! Okay! Thanks babe..... let’s talk about what a total dish-rag he is!” but no.... I said “I’m not lying darling. ALL parents argue sometimes. Daddy and I don’t agree on what’s best for you at the moment, that’s all.” vomit.puke.bullsh*t.
My friend is back in the hospital. In fact, since I last wrote about her, she’s been in and out three times. You can only imagine how awful this has been. I remain optimistic about her long term recovery, however, and this helps me keep in touch with the sliver of hope that my own “funk” will ease soon.
DH has been overstepping his boundaries with the boys. He telephones them every day and night, and yesterday he actually picked them up from school and took them for a “play” WITHOUT TELLING ME. He’s doing this to try to prove to a registrar that he is a great Dad, and to try to make up to the boys for years of not giving a shit, but you don’t do that to a mother who is worried sick because her 10 year old son is 15 minutes late home from school. My brain is imploding because apparently if a mother does this she is “clingy” and “invasive” but if a father does this he is “caring” and “enthusiastic”.
And of course Toto and Boo are trying to look after me emotionally. I try SO hard to hide this stuff from them.... SO hard. But it’s impossible to hide the puffy eyes from crying all day, or the burnt dinner from forgetting that I was cooking at all, or the anger with their father for bringing them home with homework undone and school clothes unwashed, and for interrupting our time together every day.
Mainly it’s just the fact that I cry at the drop of a pin.
This is so not good at this point in the legal proceedings. It’s such a catch-22. If it wasn’t for the legal stuff I wouldn’t BE in this depressive episode. And that’s where my brain catches fire and starts melting and my tear ducts develop a mind of their own.
Still, the boys seem to be okay. Boo laughed at me the other day when I was trying to say something positive about DH. He laughed in a comfortable way... and said “Mum, I know you’re trying to make us feel better, but you don’t have to lie”. It’s so tempting to say “Phew! Okay! Thanks babe..... let’s talk about what a total dish-rag he is!” but no.... I said “I’m not lying darling. ALL parents argue sometimes. Daddy and I don’t agree on what’s best for you at the moment, that’s all.” vomit.puke.bullsh*t.
Saturday, February 14, 2009
Thursday, February 12, 2009
Agitation...
Wednesday, although my darling Toto's birthday, was a terribly uncomfortable day for me. The helplessness of knowing that I had already contributed the very most that I could financially and that the Australian Red Cross will not accept my blood (lived in the UK during the Mad Cow outbreak) was leaving me unsettled and agitated.
And so I did some research and discovered that, although right now all local storage facilities for clothing donations for the victims of the Victorian Bushfires are filled to capacity, they will soon be desperate for more. I spent hours going through my cupboards and drawers.... removing every single item of clothing that I haven't worn in the last year.... and ended up with 5 garbage bags full of pretty good clothes. In many varied sizes.
I've added sheets, blankets and kitchen utensils, and will be giving them to the Salvation Army this week.
Still... I wish there was more that I could do to help.
I can't watch the news. I can't read the newpapers.
You see... I'm feeling very depressed. And the fact that there are so many people SO much worse off than me just makes me feel even more depressed. Because it makes me feel guilty for feeling so depressed. I feel as though I "should" be able to cope with my lot when all of those people have to cope with SO MUCH MORE. When, of course, this is not about choice at all.
This is one of those things that can be difficult to explain to someone who hasn't suffered from depression. And you'd probably be too kind to say it to my face, or to leave it in a comment, but I'm sure that the thoughts "Be strong! You'll get through it! You've got a roof over your head! You've got your boys!" have flickered through at least one of your minds. Well, I promise you that those are the thoughts that are constantly in my mind as I struggle to get out of bed, to wash, to function, to stop crying for more than a few minutes at a time.
On a good note, my friend is home from the hospital.... and doing well.
And so I did some research and discovered that, although right now all local storage facilities for clothing donations for the victims of the Victorian Bushfires are filled to capacity, they will soon be desperate for more. I spent hours going through my cupboards and drawers.... removing every single item of clothing that I haven't worn in the last year.... and ended up with 5 garbage bags full of pretty good clothes. In many varied sizes.
I've added sheets, blankets and kitchen utensils, and will be giving them to the Salvation Army this week.
Still... I wish there was more that I could do to help.
I can't watch the news. I can't read the newpapers.
You see... I'm feeling very depressed. And the fact that there are so many people SO much worse off than me just makes me feel even more depressed. Because it makes me feel guilty for feeling so depressed. I feel as though I "should" be able to cope with my lot when all of those people have to cope with SO MUCH MORE. When, of course, this is not about choice at all.
This is one of those things that can be difficult to explain to someone who hasn't suffered from depression. And you'd probably be too kind to say it to my face, or to leave it in a comment, but I'm sure that the thoughts "Be strong! You'll get through it! You've got a roof over your head! You've got your boys!" have flickered through at least one of your minds. Well, I promise you that those are the thoughts that are constantly in my mind as I struggle to get out of bed, to wash, to function, to stop crying for more than a few minutes at a time.
On a good note, my friend is home from the hospital.... and doing well.
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
Happy Birthday Toto!!
Dearest Toto,
Thank you for choosing me to be your Mummy.
In your life thus far, you have taught me so much about loving, being loved, patience, kindness and true joy.
I cannot imagine my world without you in it.
I love you to the moon and back. Times infinity. And more. No returns.
Your Mummy.
Bogus Charities...
The next round of leeches and bloodsuckers.
Please give your hard earned donations to the following charities only:
... and be wary of any collection points that you do not know already, and trust implicitly.
And please give blood if you possibly can.
Please give your hard earned donations to the following charities only:
- The Australian Red Cross Victorian Bushfire Appeal
- The Salvation Army
... and be wary of any collection points that you do not know already, and trust implicitly.
And please give blood if you possibly can.
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Are you kidding me?
Go here to read the first of what will probably be many completely insane nutjobs trying to use the death and destruction of the bushfires to advance their own purposes.
Can there be any lower form of life?
Can there be any lower form of life?
Sunday, February 8, 2009
Top Gear Live...
Today really feels like a day of mourning here in Australia. The death toll from the bushfires keeps rising (currently 76, and 700 homes completely destroyed) and hundreds, if not thousands, of our countrymen will get no sleep tonight as they try to protect their property and their lives.
Those of us who are safe are feeling helpless. A quick tour through many of my favourite blogs shows that this issue is first in all our minds. I guess all we can do right now is donate money or clothes / bedding / toys, and ensure that we don't waste a drop of water... so that all possible can be directed towards the bushfires.
As well as sorrow and helplessness, I'm also feeling a rage so deep that it has not reached the surface yet. These fires were lit intentionally. It's unfathomable. Unspeakable.
We in Sydney have had our 40+ degree weekend this weekend. And while most people were travelling from the hotter inland western suburbs to the cooler eastern and northern beaches, my boys and I travelled in the exact opposite direction. Our behaviour was SO unusual today, that we had practically the entire train to ourselves.
So... we sweated our way west.......
... until we reached nirvana.
Oh yes, we went to the "Top Gear Live" performance! Nirvana for a boy about to turn 12 AND for his brother and his Mum. It's absolutely our favourite telly programme and when we heard that they were coming to Australia, we just couldn't resist.
It was hot.
And a big part of the experience was walking around looking at sexy cars that cost more than most houses. In the heat.
Formula One vehicle and fans!
And then we went inside into the bliss of the airconditioning... to our nosebleed seats, two rows from the top.
... for an exciting show filled with gasoline, testoterone, inappropriate sexual inuendo and a finale of car-soccer!
It was fun. Exhausting but fun.
And then we struggled with 90 minutes of non-airconditioned trains to get home.
"Mum! Look! An Alien must have been murdered there!! Green Blood!"
Those of us who are safe are feeling helpless. A quick tour through many of my favourite blogs shows that this issue is first in all our minds. I guess all we can do right now is donate money or clothes / bedding / toys, and ensure that we don't waste a drop of water... so that all possible can be directed towards the bushfires.
As well as sorrow and helplessness, I'm also feeling a rage so deep that it has not reached the surface yet. These fires were lit intentionally. It's unfathomable. Unspeakable.
We in Sydney have had our 40+ degree weekend this weekend. And while most people were travelling from the hotter inland western suburbs to the cooler eastern and northern beaches, my boys and I travelled in the exact opposite direction. Our behaviour was SO unusual today, that we had practically the entire train to ourselves.
So... we sweated our way west.......
... until we reached nirvana.
Oh yes, we went to the "Top Gear Live" performance! Nirvana for a boy about to turn 12 AND for his brother and his Mum. It's absolutely our favourite telly programme and when we heard that they were coming to Australia, we just couldn't resist.
It was hot.
And a big part of the experience was walking around looking at sexy cars that cost more than most houses. In the heat.
Formula One vehicle and fans!And then we went inside into the bliss of the airconditioning... to our nosebleed seats, two rows from the top.
... for an exciting show filled with gasoline, testoterone, inappropriate sexual inuendo and a finale of car-soccer!
It was fun. Exhausting but fun.
And then we struggled with 90 minutes of non-airconditioned trains to get home.
"Mum! Look! An Alien must have been murdered there!! Green Blood!"Wednesday, February 4, 2009
Guera Parkinson presents....
About a month ago I put my hand up to be interviewed for a meme by the wonderful Guera.
Here 'tis...
1. What's the most outrageous thing you've ever done?
The most outrageous thing I’ve ever done has been to pack up and leave Australia on my own without a plan. I had a vague idea of heading west to east around the world, but other than that, I was open to universal intervention and whim.
That trip ended up lasting about 4 years longer than initially planned, and brought more riches into my life (friendships, experiences) than I could have imagined. It also brought drama and some horrendous experiences, but even those are experiences that I’m glad I’ve had, and that I’ve learned and grown from.
2. I know you've lived in and visited some amazing places around the globe. If you could travel anywhere in the world (and money was no object) where would you go and why?
My answer to this one changes daily. The problem with having lived in so many places is that I have developed such close friendships with people who live so far away from me. Most days I’d make my choice depending upon the friend that I’m missing the most.
I have an incredibly soft spot for Scotland. In particular, the north-east coast. It might be because of a genetic disposition towards my ancestor’s homeland. It might be because one of my closest friends lives in Glasgow. But I suspect it’s because I am deeply moved by dramatic, changing and unpopulated scenery. I truly feel at peace there.
I also love the south of Italy. Love love love it! I would LOVE to take my boys on a road trip along the Mediterranean Sea from Italy to France, in an open-top car. I would need a ginormous amount of money to that, however! There’s something very frivolous about that part of Europe (in my humble opinion!). I don’t know how else to describe it. It’s not a place I would like to live, and it’s far too crowded for an extended holiday, but a road trip is the perfect way to observe and enjoy from a distance.
3. They’re turning the story of your life into movie. What’s the title and the genre?
This is the hardest question for me of all of them! The genre is definitely Drama. No doubt about that. I don’t feel clever enough or objective enough to make up a title, but if I had to brainstorm one, I’d probably start with “Waiting to climb off the Merry-Go-Round” or something similar. Not clever or zippy enough, but it expresses how I feel.
4. How has blogging changed you?
I was discussing this in a round-about way this morning, with my Glaswegian friend mentioned above. I’m actually not very comfortable sharing my feelings with others irl (in real life) and although I have many friends, I have very few with whom I allow myself to truly feel vulnerable. I'm good at talking about myself quite honestly in terms of retrospective experiences, but when I'm in the middle of things and most needing support, those closest to me are used to hearing me say “I just can’t talk about it right now” and sometimes that “right now” lasts for ever.
Which means that blogging has had an incredibly positive influence on my ability to cope with the drama that life throws my way. I am more comfortably vulnerable in this environment than I am in any other. In other words, I am learning to accept support comfortably.
Perhaps it’s to do with why I chose to become a psychotherapist. I’m much more comfortable listening to and supporting others than I am allowing someone to listen to and support me. And yet here, on my blog, I cherish every supportive commenter and every lurker...
5. What is the worst and best jobs you've ever had?
Worst job was selling advertising space for an Art and Antiques Magazine in London. I am SO not a salesperson!
Best job.... motherhood. That was easy. If you’re going to push it and ask me for my best paid job, I’d have to say it’s my work as a psychotherapist. Being paid to help and support others without revealing anything of myself is about as perfect as it gets for me (see question 4!).
Now, if you’d like to be interviewed by me, here’s what you need to do:
Here 'tis...
1. What's the most outrageous thing you've ever done?
The most outrageous thing I’ve ever done has been to pack up and leave Australia on my own without a plan. I had a vague idea of heading west to east around the world, but other than that, I was open to universal intervention and whim.
That trip ended up lasting about 4 years longer than initially planned, and brought more riches into my life (friendships, experiences) than I could have imagined. It also brought drama and some horrendous experiences, but even those are experiences that I’m glad I’ve had, and that I’ve learned and grown from.
2. I know you've lived in and visited some amazing places around the globe. If you could travel anywhere in the world (and money was no object) where would you go and why?
My answer to this one changes daily. The problem with having lived in so many places is that I have developed such close friendships with people who live so far away from me. Most days I’d make my choice depending upon the friend that I’m missing the most.
I have an incredibly soft spot for Scotland. In particular, the north-east coast. It might be because of a genetic disposition towards my ancestor’s homeland. It might be because one of my closest friends lives in Glasgow. But I suspect it’s because I am deeply moved by dramatic, changing and unpopulated scenery. I truly feel at peace there.
I also love the south of Italy. Love love love it! I would LOVE to take my boys on a road trip along the Mediterranean Sea from Italy to France, in an open-top car. I would need a ginormous amount of money to that, however! There’s something very frivolous about that part of Europe (in my humble opinion!). I don’t know how else to describe it. It’s not a place I would like to live, and it’s far too crowded for an extended holiday, but a road trip is the perfect way to observe and enjoy from a distance.
3. They’re turning the story of your life into movie. What’s the title and the genre?
This is the hardest question for me of all of them! The genre is definitely Drama. No doubt about that. I don’t feel clever enough or objective enough to make up a title, but if I had to brainstorm one, I’d probably start with “Waiting to climb off the Merry-Go-Round” or something similar. Not clever or zippy enough, but it expresses how I feel.
4. How has blogging changed you?
I was discussing this in a round-about way this morning, with my Glaswegian friend mentioned above. I’m actually not very comfortable sharing my feelings with others irl (in real life) and although I have many friends, I have very few with whom I allow myself to truly feel vulnerable. I'm good at talking about myself quite honestly in terms of retrospective experiences, but when I'm in the middle of things and most needing support, those closest to me are used to hearing me say “I just can’t talk about it right now” and sometimes that “right now” lasts for ever.
Which means that blogging has had an incredibly positive influence on my ability to cope with the drama that life throws my way. I am more comfortably vulnerable in this environment than I am in any other. In other words, I am learning to accept support comfortably.
Perhaps it’s to do with why I chose to become a psychotherapist. I’m much more comfortable listening to and supporting others than I am allowing someone to listen to and support me. And yet here, on my blog, I cherish every supportive commenter and every lurker...
5. What is the worst and best jobs you've ever had?
Worst job was selling advertising space for an Art and Antiques Magazine in London. I am SO not a salesperson!
Best job.... motherhood. That was easy. If you’re going to push it and ask me for my best paid job, I’d have to say it’s my work as a psychotherapist. Being paid to help and support others without revealing anything of myself is about as perfect as it gets for me (see question 4!).
Now, if you’d like to be interviewed by me, here’s what you need to do:
- Send me an email or a comment saying: “Interview Me”
- I will respond by emailing you five questions. I get to pick the questions. You can then answer the questions on your blog.
- You should also post these rules along with an offer to interview anyone else who emails you or comments that they want to be interviewed.
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
The recovery....
Firstly, thank you SO MUCH to everyone for your wonderful words of support, encouragement and advice.
I did speak with Toto's Year 7 Advisor. I telephoned him this morning and asked him to keep an eye on Toto. I explained what was going on, and told him that Toto was extremely distressed and anxious and needed to know that there was someone in the school that he could talk to. I also asked him to please be discrete. He wasn't very comforting, but did say that he would talk to Toto during the day.
I then apologised to my Mum. She said that she understood.
I spent three hours sitting at the hospital with my friend today. She was re-admitted yesterday, after a couple of weeks of sliding backwards. It's so sad. So sad for her and so sad for her family. Still, she has a treatment plan and I'm confident that she won't be in there for nearly as long this time.
It did wear me out though. She relies upon me to convince her that she is capable of recovery. I know that I have to look after myself right now, in order to be able to look after my own family, but I can't refuse her in this time of need. I just can't.
By the time I got to Toto's school to collect him, I had a plan for a "recovery evening" for the three of us. It included a bit of baking, a favourite dinner, and a reward for completion of homework (a neck massage, a back tickle and favourite bedtime story).
By absolute chance, I met with the Year 7 advisor at the school gate, and he was much warmer in person. It's possible he's just not comfortable on the telephone. He was very understanding and supportive and reassured me immensely. By chance again, I met with the Principal and had another conversation with him about the situation. I was careful about what I said (I save my DH bagging for my blog) and kept my concerns limited to the impact of the court case on Toto, not the cause or content. He was wonderful. Absolutely wonderful.
And so, despite Toto and I having to lug his incredibly heavy cricket bag home on public transport, our recovery evening went beautifully to plan.
We baked brownies....
Licking the bowl while sitting in front of the oven watching the brownies baking
Completed all the homework.....
...and laughed together more than we have in weeks. It was perfect.
I did speak with Toto's Year 7 Advisor. I telephoned him this morning and asked him to keep an eye on Toto. I explained what was going on, and told him that Toto was extremely distressed and anxious and needed to know that there was someone in the school that he could talk to. I also asked him to please be discrete. He wasn't very comforting, but did say that he would talk to Toto during the day.
I then apologised to my Mum. She said that she understood.
I spent three hours sitting at the hospital with my friend today. She was re-admitted yesterday, after a couple of weeks of sliding backwards. It's so sad. So sad for her and so sad for her family. Still, she has a treatment plan and I'm confident that she won't be in there for nearly as long this time.
It did wear me out though. She relies upon me to convince her that she is capable of recovery. I know that I have to look after myself right now, in order to be able to look after my own family, but I can't refuse her in this time of need. I just can't.
By the time I got to Toto's school to collect him, I had a plan for a "recovery evening" for the three of us. It included a bit of baking, a favourite dinner, and a reward for completion of homework (a neck massage, a back tickle and favourite bedtime story).
By absolute chance, I met with the Year 7 advisor at the school gate, and he was much warmer in person. It's possible he's just not comfortable on the telephone. He was very understanding and supportive and reassured me immensely. By chance again, I met with the Principal and had another conversation with him about the situation. I was careful about what I said (I save my DH bagging for my blog) and kept my concerns limited to the impact of the court case on Toto, not the cause or content. He was wonderful. Absolutely wonderful.
And so, despite Toto and I having to lug his incredibly heavy cricket bag home on public transport, our recovery evening went beautifully to plan.
We baked brownies....
Licking the bowl while sitting in front of the oven watching the brownies bakingEDITED TO REMOVE CUTE PHOTO OF BOO LICKING THE INSIDE OF THE BOWL AT THE REQUEST (DEMAND, THREATENED TANTRUM) OF BOO
"Boo, could you get your head any further inside that bowl?"
Completed all the homework.....
...and laughed together more than we have in weeks. It was perfect.(and I know that they're in their underwear, but it's the first thing they do when they get in the door! Go figure!)
Oh... and on top of that...
my dear friend is back in the psychiatric hospital.
The stars are just not lining up right now.
The stars are just not lining up right now.
Monday, February 2, 2009
Bastard....
Toto is a mess.
It started when he came home from DH's on Sunday night with homework not done. Grrrrr. We stayed up trying to finish it, but he was stressed about the court hearing and so we left a few things undone. He and Boo were also dead tired after two very late nights and early mornings. Oh, and their school uniforms were not washed. Grrrr.
Today, at the school gate, I had a word to the School Principal. He's a really lovely man, and was very pleased that I had told him what was going on. I simply asked that he keep an eye on Toto, and he said that Toto or I must feel free to visit him or the Year 7 advisor if he ever needed to talk to anyone.
I tried to make tonight a celebration. And initially it was. But the weight of now thinking that whatever the boys tell their lawyers will decide the case one way or another is tearing Toto apart. Boo seems okay. He still says that he is scared of DH's reaction to whatever he says (via a lawyer or to his face) but he's taking my words as literal and is not feeling pressure. Toto is unable to believe me. I guess it's because he's just that little bit older and that little bit more anxious.
Tonight he's struggling with much more homework. This is the reality of Year 7 for all of our kids. It's such a HUGE leap from primary school to high school in terms of organisation and volume of work. But this particular boy is being forced by his father to continue after school training and weekend sport (even though he's now got in-school representative sport) when he doesn't want to because he knows that he won't be able to cope with it on top of his homework. I've emailed DH explaining why Toto wants to give it up, but he's ignoring my emails.
Toto sees it as another level of powerlessness. And it is. It's another example of DH not listening to his child. Not considering his child.
And that child sat up late here with me struggling with homework and a perceived burden for the outcome of a family court case. And he just doesn't believe me when I tell him that their IS NO BURDEN. It's all about truth, which is why someone else will make a decision. And that all he has to do is be honest. And that either outcome will be okay. We'll make it work. And that he is not responsible for my or DH's happiness. And that nothing in the world could ever change how I feel about him.
Am I messing up here? I don't know what else I can do. The circumstances were and are such that I cannot hide the fact that there IS a court case from him, but of course he knows NOTHING of the contents or details.
Toto wants to see someone to talk about this stuff. A counsellor. And the thing that is killing me right now is that I am not allowed to take him to any counsellor as it WILL be construed as me trying to coerce him or have him "taught" what to say to the court when his turn comes. When all I want to do is help my aching child.
I'd like to write to the School Principal and arrange to talk with him because surely, as a Christian school, they provide Pastoral Care? I am worried, however, because DH's sister teaches there, and has taught there for nearly 8 years. I'm just not quite sure about whether she would use this against me as a means for her brothers' quest.
Bastard..... How could anyone knowingly do this to their children? And he DOES know, because the children and I have tried to tell him. He just needs to win at any cost. My brother told me today that feels sorry for ALL of us. DH included. I tried that emotion on for a second or two. And then shrugged it off in a shudder of revulsion. I cannot empathise with this man. Eleven years of being at the receiving end of his treatment of me and my children has taught me that.
It started when he came home from DH's on Sunday night with homework not done. Grrrrr. We stayed up trying to finish it, but he was stressed about the court hearing and so we left a few things undone. He and Boo were also dead tired after two very late nights and early mornings. Oh, and their school uniforms were not washed. Grrrr.
Today, at the school gate, I had a word to the School Principal. He's a really lovely man, and was very pleased that I had told him what was going on. I simply asked that he keep an eye on Toto, and he said that Toto or I must feel free to visit him or the Year 7 advisor if he ever needed to talk to anyone.
I tried to make tonight a celebration. And initially it was. But the weight of now thinking that whatever the boys tell their lawyers will decide the case one way or another is tearing Toto apart. Boo seems okay. He still says that he is scared of DH's reaction to whatever he says (via a lawyer or to his face) but he's taking my words as literal and is not feeling pressure. Toto is unable to believe me. I guess it's because he's just that little bit older and that little bit more anxious.
Tonight he's struggling with much more homework. This is the reality of Year 7 for all of our kids. It's such a HUGE leap from primary school to high school in terms of organisation and volume of work. But this particular boy is being forced by his father to continue after school training and weekend sport (even though he's now got in-school representative sport) when he doesn't want to because he knows that he won't be able to cope with it on top of his homework. I've emailed DH explaining why Toto wants to give it up, but he's ignoring my emails.
Toto sees it as another level of powerlessness. And it is. It's another example of DH not listening to his child. Not considering his child.
And that child sat up late here with me struggling with homework and a perceived burden for the outcome of a family court case. And he just doesn't believe me when I tell him that their IS NO BURDEN. It's all about truth, which is why someone else will make a decision. And that all he has to do is be honest. And that either outcome will be okay. We'll make it work. And that he is not responsible for my or DH's happiness. And that nothing in the world could ever change how I feel about him.
Am I messing up here? I don't know what else I can do. The circumstances were and are such that I cannot hide the fact that there IS a court case from him, but of course he knows NOTHING of the contents or details.
Toto wants to see someone to talk about this stuff. A counsellor. And the thing that is killing me right now is that I am not allowed to take him to any counsellor as it WILL be construed as me trying to coerce him or have him "taught" what to say to the court when his turn comes. When all I want to do is help my aching child.
I'd like to write to the School Principal and arrange to talk with him because surely, as a Christian school, they provide Pastoral Care? I am worried, however, because DH's sister teaches there, and has taught there for nearly 8 years. I'm just not quite sure about whether she would use this against me as a means for her brothers' quest.
Bastard..... How could anyone knowingly do this to their children? And he DOES know, because the children and I have tried to tell him. He just needs to win at any cost. My brother told me today that feels sorry for ALL of us. DH included. I tried that emotion on for a second or two. And then shrugged it off in a shudder of revulsion. I cannot empathise with this man. Eleven years of being at the receiving end of his treatment of me and my children has taught me that.
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