seems too much.
I know there are friends out there (irl and real-life) who have terrible things on their plates. This is NOT a post about my life being worse than anyone elses.
10 years of single parenting with almost no child support, total unreliability and nastiness from their Dad, and horrendous health issues, and now DH wants to take responsibility for my boys away from me.
That's it in a nutshell.
The Australian Family Law has been recently changed. Things are weighing hugely in favour of non-custodial parents (usually fathers) and therefore I have to question the pros and cons of fighting this through the courts.
It will cost me tens of thousands of dollars in legal fees. Which, obviously, I don't have. On a good day, I don't care about the money and accept that I will spend the rest of my life paying it off. But on a bad day, like today, I simply don't know.
I probably won't win.
And, despite his horrendous, untenable treatment to me, I know that my boys need to have a good relationship with their Dad. I've always known that. And, that if he can't provide that, they need to learn that on their own. But..... I also KNOW that they need me as their primary care giver. Especially while they're learning that he's not ever going to be who they want him to be. But, am I any use to them if I'm perpetually upset, depressed and unable to cope?
All advice gratefully accepted.
Saturday, September 20, 2008
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13 comments:
I wish I had some words of wisdom or useful advice. I do think you are doing an amazing job of being the loving, stable and reliable parent. None of us are perfect so don't beat yourself up about the grief he has caused you.
Hang in there
xx
I agree with Guera... we all do our best. That is all we/you can do. I think you do more than your best.. you do your best for two people. You should be so proud of yourself. I don't know if I would have been such a beautiful, radiant, loving person after everything you've been through. But you are! And I admire you for it!
Hang in there..
Love, Eveline
Fe
I wish I could offer something sage, but I have no words that are wise for you. I have a friend who is going through something that sounds remarkably similar, and I know close hand how emotionally costing this is for her. My thoughts are with you.
In horribly trying circumstances, you rise above and always think about the welfare of your gorgeous boys before the impact on you.
I have no advice, I admire your ability to keep doing your best through such terrible times.
Fe. Legend.
I read this, we talk, and I grind my teeth in frustration as I know how much this distresses you and how hampered you have felt over the years - by DH, by Child Services, by the system. Blind Freddy could see that you are a fabulous mum, caring and nurturing, and always (much to many people's disbelief) encouraging your boys to have a good relationship with their Dad.
I am a true believer in Karma and while this may not help I do believe that it will turn out right. Not necessarily in a Disney film kind of way and not necessarily in the short term - but it will. So in the meantime we are all here to support and help - which is karma by the way as this is what you do for everyone else.
So ditto - hang in there Fe.
J xox
Holy Crap. You cannot be serious.
I want to swear!!! That feels like the only useful advice I can give, but actually its not useful at all, is it?
Surely the courts would go on his previous history with the boys, and take into account the boys wishes to some degree???
Hugs are all I can offer
Wow I was in a place of overwhelming-ness when I wrote that. Thanks for all support.
I'll do whatever it takes. Of course. I guess I also have to think it through sometimes.
All of the things that DH has done don't constitute "abuse". There are no AVO's and no police involvement. This means that it is all heresay, and that a registrar may dismiss it all. The new rules that came in this last July mean that the courts BEGIN with 50/50 and work their way from there.
Right now I have sole full-time custody of the boys (school decisions, activities etc.... although I involved DH in all of those). DH wants to have the full time custody (he thinks that it will give him the ability to have more control) and a 50/50 living arrangement. This is anathema to the boys. And to me.
He has a HUGE outstanding child support debt, which he has no intention of paying. If he gets 50/50, then future child support obligations would be $zero.
All I can do is go through the process, tell my story and the history of his behaviour, and hope that we come out of this with the same status quo as going in. And then try to get the child support debt. (which i'm doing, but which is seemingly impossible. He has a company, pays himself below minimum wage and unless I pay forensic accountants to find the money, the court will accept his situation as true and will dismiss the existing debt.)
Oh, but I'm not meant to mention the child support during the procedure regarding access and custody. How unfair (and impossible) is that?
Thanks again everyone. Sorry for the pity-party.
I'm living by the Buddhist tenet of "Life is Suffering". I'm trying to start from that point so that this stuff is just "how it is" and all good things are a bonus.
And there ARE good things. Lot's of them.
Fe, today I had the first "prep" session for my upcoming mediation. I am sure that before things go to court you will also need to do a mediation session first a one-on-one with the mediator and then a joint session, o rmany joint session until an agreeable outcome is reached. During that process the kids can be heared as well, they don't need to be 14 years old anymore as they used to. During the session with the kids the mediators surely will assess how "useful" extra access for DH would be and if it would be harmful for the children. I so hope that during the mediation session you guys can reach an agreement and so that you don't need to go to court.
Also, according to the facilitator today, a "joint" parenting agreement does NOT necessarily mean 50/50 - so there is hope!!!
Don't forget to look after yourself too, please.
Wolfie xx
Hey there Wolfie... Hope the mediation goes well for you..
Because we have a court order from 1998, the mediation cannot change the court order. We have to go to court for any changes.... although, due to the literal interpretation of the law, we have to go through the mediation anyway (outcome meaningless).
Also, if the non-residential parent WANTS 50/50, the courts need to have serious reasons as to why he shouldn't have it. Different altogether to what you two are going through. If the non-residential parent wants to not change the living arrangments, then a "joint agreement" can be reached without beginning at 50/50.
I hope you and your ex find agreement in mediation.
x
Oh bummer, I forgot about the court order... that is different of course. Oh man, i just hope that all goes well for you and the boys. If I can do anything let me know. xx
I don't know what to say to all this. It is a horrible situation. I hope, the court will hear the boys and do really listen to them! If it were me, I would have kicked his *&%$ al long time ago!!
Although I am far away, you are in my thoughts.
Big hug! Trui XX
I think that you are exactly what your boys need and they love you for who you are.
I agree, you should be so very proud of yourself.
Surely a court will see that the boys need to be with you?
I have no advice just hugs, lots of hugs.
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