The next week....

She's not good. I believe whole-heartedly that she will recover from this, but the process of doing so is almost unbearable.

I visit every day. I can only hope that I am helping her. She wants me there, I know that, but ultimately I can only be a safe and strong place for her to lean against during this extremely difficult journey.

So, it's school holidays here now. I have the boys for the first week, and DH has them for the second. It's been their decision, and I am pleased for them as well as anxious and nervous for how it will all go.

And tomorrow I have the beginning of the mediation process. And then a couple of kid-oriented play dates. And will be trying to spend as much time with "her" as possible.

I'm wrecked. I can't sleep and I can't relax. I have a support system and will be okay, but I'm not in a good place.

She knows this and is trying desperately to reduce her dependence upon my presence, but I am unwilling to choose to be alone over choosing to be with her. I've been where she is. I know how vulnerable she is. And....... I need her whole again. So, I am not being unselfish by spending so much time with her. I depend upon her as much as she depends upon me. I rely upon her calmness when I am in a dark dark place. Her family is my family. Over the last 10 years we have built a wonderfully effective support network with each other and with each others' kids. Her husband is one of my dearest friends. I can be vulnerable with both of them and know that their opinion of me never falters.

So, I'm confessing all here. My vulnerability. My exhaustion. And my feeling of privilege.

And know that you are my soft place to lean upon during this time.