It's been a tough week (month, couple of months).
I heard about two deaths this week. One was an ex-boyfriend who found his life too much for him to bear, and therefore ended it. Another was a young Mum with incurable cancer.
One took it. One had it taken from her.
And I also found out about another old friend, the father of four children, who has an inoperable and terminal brain tumour.
And of course, I'm living with the day to day reality of someone who is longing for death as a release.
So I guess it's normal that I'm thinking about death.
I've been through more than one period of depression where the idea of taking my own life was more delicious and freeing and desirable than living.
I've also been through my own journey with cancer. A journey that was not always one that I would win. And during that time, the idea of living was more delicious and freeing and desirable than not living.
And through both journeys, I made friends with many other patients who did not survive their illnesses.
I do not judge anyone who chooses to leave this world. I mourn the loss of anyone who dies from ANY illness. Mental illness and physical illness. They are both as dangerous as each other.
The survival of cancer and of depression is not dependent upon the ability of the patient to "fight" or to "think positively" or to "not give in". In an ideal world, we all "think positively", and I believe that the only people who aren't able to do that are people who are overwhelmed by their circumstances.
Which is why I believe that "life is difficult". Life throws us challenges all the time. Some are big and obvious, some smaller and more subtle, but all are "difficult". And I think that if we can accept that that is what life is about, it is easier to deal with the challenges and we are therefore less likely to be overwhelmed by them.
This isn't a defeatist attitude. Far from it. I am able to appreciate all the wonderful things that I have in my life, whilst accepting the more difficult ones.
And, therefore, I can say that my life is wonderful. It is challenging, yes (and at times exhausting). But it is also very very wonderful.
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
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8 comments:
If it was easy, it would bore us all to tears ;)
And you're not bored, are you?
xoxoxoxo
ya for you Fe .... I like the concept very much and you are living proof that it works - for real. My best le
This is such a great attitude, Fe. I do beleive that being optimistic and seeing the good in life is a choice. Which is not to say that I think it's easy to "make that choice" or that those who can't be positive should just decide to be (just like that!). I'm sure there's a lot I don't understand about mental illness but I think I know that it's much more complicated than a simple decision to be happy, but maybe if we can recognise that a positive outlook is the goal, we can get closer to achieving it? Am I making any sense?? :)
life is hard. so hard, overwhelming, beautiful, joyous...i have bi-polar, my son has bi-polar. we live day to day sometimes, just trying to survive. I wish more people could "get" what it's like.
Beautifully spoken, Fiona. You have such an amazing attitude to life, and also the ability to write it down in a way that touches the very soul.
Time for a glass of wine and a ciggie! :-)
Yesterday was difficult, farewelling that young mum. Difficult but with some sense of closure. It think, however, today the reality of it all is just sinking in.
Lovely post Fe.
I greatly admire your ability to stay positive when things around you are so skewed. I know this is hard and challenging for you but I think it helps. Reflecting on our lot in live - in the right way - can be reassuring - helps us keep going - know all is not lost. It is powerful medicine. Coupled with love and support from others I know you and she will come out the other side.
J xox
Thank you all.
And thank you especially Anonymous. I'm so glad that my words struck a chord with you. Perhaps if more people would discuss this subject honestly, then more people WOULD understand your journey. I hope you and your son are surrounded by loving and supportive friends and family.
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