That was a long time between posts....

It's been an incredibly stressful week with all of the legal stuff.

The Family Dispute Resolution conference was supposed to have been last Friday... a mandatory "final" effort at agreeing on court orders with DH before the judge gets to decide.

It was supposed to have been the three lawyers representing the boys, DH and me.

But the boys' lawyer was sick and had not met them. And she wouldn't be meeting them before the hearing.

This was a REALLY bad thing, as the biggest thing that my argument has going for it is that the boys' do NOT want to change the current living arrangements, and the boys' lawyer is supposed to present the Family Court Counsellor's report stating that it would be detrimental to the boys if the current arrangements were changed.

But the Resolution conference date was not being changed DESPITE the boys' lawyer not having met the boys. And it was still going to go ahead even if she didn't appear.

This was insane. My lawyer had not been given the Counsellor's report and therefore we could not present any information from it.

And.... if it looked as though I was being the difficult one in terms of deferring the Resolution conference date and therefore seen to be the one not willing to come to an agreement, I could be forced to pay DH's costs as well as mine. ALL of them... not just for this hearing.

So... I made a HUGE fuss with my lawyer and mentioned taking this to the Federal Court if we went ahead with this with the boys' lawyer having not even met with her clients. I was speaking through my .. umm... BUM because I have no idea if I can even do that!

He madly rang all involved, and it turned out that the Court Counsellor had not even prepared a report as she had not been told of the hearing date.

That was it.

Six or seven emails later, the hearing was postponed. By the children's lawyer.

My heart was in my chest all day.

But then the BEST THING HAPPENED!

My lawyer had applied for a check on the Property Index Register. Something that the Child Support Agency had told me that they had done years ago.

And DH owns a property.

With his sister. But it's an asset that he has not mentioned in any of his financial statements to the court or to the child support agency. He also has not reported any income from tenants. It is an asset which can be held against a debt.

Whether it WILL be is another thing altogether. But as long as the debt does not get removed with the application that he is currently lodging, I can put a caveat on the title of the property to ensure that he can never sell it without a court case involving repaying me the money. The outcome of that court case would be the only way to lift the caveat and allow the sale. I can imagine that his sister may need the money at some stage in her lifetime and therefore the sale will be inevitable.

The lying scum bag finally got found out.

I then rang the Child Support Agency to report this latest piece of information, and they told me that our case is now, after SIX bloody years(!!!!)... escalated to the "Intensive Debt Collection" cell. This is where they can run the "level 2 searches" like property searches and Oztrek searches (looking for money going in and out of the country from/to him).

Apparently his need for privacy protected him from having any of those searches run on him before.

I am furious that they have not escalated us to this "cell" before! How big does the debt have to get for that to happen?! How many months/years does he get to NOT pay before that happens?

Still.... the fact that I have found this asset of his has lightened my spirit unbelievably. It's the first good news I've had in a long time.

And, even though I knew he was a lying piece of shit, it gives me even greater satisfaction to have it so blatantly displayed for all the world (and all the judges) to see.

UNbelievable....

Despite everything that he was told in the Family Court Ordered Counselling session (here) about the boys' wishes and that in the opinion of the Counsellor (who has 25 years of experience as a Family Court Counsellor) :

• It would NOT be in the best interests of the boys to change the current living arrangements
• DH's relationship with the boys will deteriorate dramatically if he continues the legal action
• Both boys STRONGLY do not want to change the current living arrangements
  

.....*breathe Fe breathe*.....

.... DH is continuing with the legal action.

Never mind that, in the counselling session, he agreed to work out a parenting plan with the counsellor and me.

Never mind that he knows that this stuff is damaging our children in ways which we may never ever know.

I'm SO pissed off. And I'm pissed off with myself for believing YET AGAIN that he could possibly put the children's needs before his own. And I'm shattered and horrified by the devastation that will cause my boys. They have been different children since being told that there was every chance that the legal stuff would stop.

And I think I was right to tell them that. After all, DH did agree to it. I even questioned his agreeing to it and he emphasised that he would do it.

I knew that we still had a road to go to actually work out a parenting plan... but it would be nothing compared to the road we're on which ultimately leads to a Judicial Registrar deciding what's best for our children based upon whose lawyer is best able to articulate, instead of listening to what is actually best for the boys.

Now it's about the children seeing their own lawyer and then all 3 lawyers battling it out. And if we don't come to an agreement, then it's up to the Judicial Registrar. Oh, and the Counsellor's report may or may not be taken into account by the Judicial Registrar. It's up to them.

The boys' have an appointment with their lawyer this Thursday. They're with DH all this week. Which means that I won't see them before then. I can call them on their mobile phones, but DH always stays nearby and they are uncomfortable talking to me that way. Still, knowing how intimidated they are by him, I will call them before their appointment just to tell them to stick to their truths and to say the same things that they said to the Counsellor. Just pray that their phones are on and within range.

I spoke to my lawyer today, and he said that DH's lawyer was encouraging DH to battle this out. My lawyer ran into her at Court today, and apparently she told him to tell his client (me) to reach a compromise.

Oh, and that they were attaching NEW orders to get rid of the Spousal Maintenance. He's never paid a cent of that anyway. Not ONE cent. I'm happy to get rid of that. I just wish I could use it as leverage to get him to LEAVE MY CHILDREN ALONE.

Sorry for the rant.

I'm just so incredibly pissed off.

My beautiful boys....

Toto

Boo

Poor Toto...

The boys were incredibly upset about leaving me for a whole week yesterday. Especially Toto.

It is absolutely devastating to see your child heaving and crying and begging you not to make them go.

I held it together until they left, and then completely lost it myself.

All I could say to reassure them was "Daddy really loves you.... and if he gets angry you can think in your mind that he really loves you but doesn't know how else to behave". How difficult is that going to be for 10 and 12 year olds?

I just didn't know what else to say.

Woof woof....

Happy Good Friday everyone... from my germ-riddled home to yours!

Yes, I'm sick as a dog. Barking sick. No voice. Blocked nose. Fever. Headache. And I'm not handling it well. I'm calling it "Man-Flu" because I feel like I'm dying whilst knowing that it's only a case of the flu.

Boo has had it all week. I kept him home from school as I didn't want him to pass it on to others just before our Easter Holidays, and he obviously gave it to me.

Which meant that I have missed out on lots of lovely social activities. Ah well.

We did, however, attend a wonderful Passover celebration on Wednesday night at our good friend Jenni's. It was the first time my boys had attended Passover, and, although they didn't really appreciate all of the food, they loved the ceremonial aspects and learning the history of the holiday.

They're off to DH's today for the first week of the holidays. I'm dreading the silence and agony of missing them. They've been SO much happier since their session with the Family Court counsellor. The relief of telling their truth to her, and of finding out that it's now much more likely that they will continue to live with me, has lifted an enormous burden from their small shoulders.

This week will be the first time they've seen DH since it all happened though, and they're a bit nervous about his reaction to all that they told the counsellor. I have told them that I will come and get them at any time if they are feeling worried and if DH is threatening them in any way (of course I didn't use those words at all.... just said to call me if they were scared of Daddy's anger) even though he's taking them 3.5 hours out of Sydney for the Easter weekend.

Fingers crossed he doesn't take his frustration out on them.

The Family Court Counselling. Where do I start?...

It was five hours. Three hours of being with DH in a small room and two hours of anxiously waiting while my babies were being counselled about what their wishes were.

At no time were the 4 of use in the counselling room together... thank god. The counsellor obviously took one whiff of the tension between DH and me and realised that it would NOT be good for the kids.

So... I'll do my best to share what happened. There was a lot said though, and I was incredibly emotional, so I cannot remember everything.

I remember that the counsellor was not very warm or friendly. Sure, she needs to stay detached, but I felt that she was quite judgmental.

DH was trying to paint a picture of himself as a saint-like father who was fighting the “good fight” (against a wicked witch) to see more of his kids before they grow up. He said things like “I know that, as boys, they need their father more than their mother now and I want them to live with me so that they can have a proper relationship with me”. He said that I had always used the issue of money (unpaid child support) to keep him feeling guilty, which had led him to not being able to communicate with me, which led him to this legal action.

Every single thing he said was about blaming me.

At one point we flared up at each other. The counsellor was talking about the “open wound” of our separation 11 years ago as the primary cause of all of our problems. DH said something along the lines of “She made me leave her. She was depressed and pregnant and was impossible to live with. No man would have stayed in that situation” and I sat up in my chair, turned to face him, and, shaking and crying, said “No decent man would leave his pregnant wife and baby because she was suffering from AN ILLNESS!! And then SUE HER FOR MONEY! And then NOT PAY CHILD SUPPORT”. The counsellor was telling me that she heard him say that he was suffering enormous guilt from having left like that and I said that I could not hear any of that in the words that he was saying, and that if he felt guilt, why had he never fulfilled his financial and moral obligations in the following 11 years. And DH interrupted to say that HE did not sue me, his LAWYERS sued me. Apparently not his responsibility at all.

She said that I had equal responsibility in all of that because I could not forgive him.

*&*@%#^$%@%&#%%@&*#%#@*(#&^$#%

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?????

Not long after that, he and I were sent to wait (I went outside the building so that I would not have to sit in the waiting room with him) while she spoke to the boys. I was tearful and faint, and, knowing that every word said in that room is reportable to the Judicial Registrar (the judge) worried that I had blown it.

Two hours later, DH and I were back in her room. I was determined to be non-reactive this time.

She told us about her time with the boys, about her impressions of them. They were remarkably accurate.

She had said to the boys that if they had 3 wishes, what would they be?

Boo said “1. That my parents stop fighting. 2. That the court case ends. 3. That I have unlimited wishes” (that’s my boy!!)

Toto said “1. That the court case ends. 2. That my parents start talking. 3. That's all I want.”

And then she told us that both boys felt very strongly that they DID NOT WANT TO CHANGE THE CURRENT LIVING ARRANGEMENTS. And that she felt strongly that it would not be in the boys best interests to do so.

I burst into tears. Tears of relief. Tears of amazement that my boys had overcome their fear of DH’s reactions to their words in order to tell their truths.

She went on to tell DH that both boys loved him, but had major concerns about his anger. She said that there was a HUGE difference in our parenting styles, and that the boys felt unsafe with DH and safe with me. When asked what they did when they were angry with their mother, both boys answered “I’ve never been angry with my mother”. When asked what they did when they were angry with their father, Toto said “I hide and get anxious and have trouble breathing and cry”. Boo said “I play my games and refuse to talk to him”.

Both boys brought up the incident in the back lane last March, and the counsellor emphasised to DH how inappropriate his behaviour had been. He crapped on and tried to defend himself, but she shut him down and told him that he had to apologise to the boys about it. One year later, and he still hadn’t done that! Sheesh.

(I've just realised that I haven't ever written about that horrendous incident in the back lane last March. DH was furious with them for having telephoned me because they were terrified as he had left them alone for a long period of time. He lives in the red-light district of Sydney and they get very scared there. I had jumped into my car and driven over there... not to take them home but to stay with them until DH returned. He returned before I got there, and was FURIOUS with them! He told them that if they went home with me they may as well never return. He then put them out in the back lane (unlit and very scary) and closed his garage door. By the time I got there they were scared out of their wits and absolutely hysterical. I took them home, calming them down, telling them that their Dad really loved them and was just angry and would be feeling awful about having done what he did etc etc. He wasn't feeling awful. In fact, he rang up over an hour later still wanting to yell at them for not showing him respect.

It was after that event that the boys refused to stay overnight at DH's house for a couple of weeks. Apparently he left them alone there A LOT. And got that angry A LOT. They had had enough. A few weeks later I convinced them to stay over on the weekend nights that they were there... and that is what they have been doing ever since.)

The boys also said that when they were at DH’s, his flatmate was always there, and he always had friends over. They said that the only times that they were ever alone with him was when they were playing sport.... and even then he was yelling at them and correcting them. She suggested that he attend some sort of parenting programme to help him learn how to respond to their behaviour differently.

He kept defending himself, telling her that Boo was defiant and Toto was easily upset, and she asked me how I handled those aspects of their personalities. I told her that I treated them equally and consistently in terms of behavioral consequences and rewards, and therefore didn’t really see those behaviours at home. She seemed to doubt me, but I explained that I had done parenting courses early on, and had the ongoing support of a Child and Family Psychiatrist and had worked very hard on being consistent when it came to behavioral issues. The kids fought with each other, I got angry with them for procrastinating with chores etc, but nothing ever blew up into a drama. She believed me then.

DH kept referring to the number of nights that he had the boys to stay, and comparing his with his divorced friends. The counsellor explained to him that the number of nights has no bearing on the type of relationship that he could have with his children. She spelled it out by saying that many divorced parents who have equal time with their children have lousy relationships with them, and many who have only minimal access have wonderful relationships with them. It was about quality rather than quantity.

She also said that the situation would be different if he had ever lived with them.

Then she said that, in her opinion, based upon doing this job for 25 years, if he persisted with this court case his relationship with the boys would deteriorate dramatically. She said it was not necessarily fair, but that, because they had always lived with me and felt safe and secure with me, they would perceive his litigiousness as an attack upon me. DH said that that was because I was telling them that, and she emphasised that that was definitely not the case. She said that it was normal for boys to become their mothers' "White Knights". Even if that meant protecting her from their father.

She said that the one thing that we had both been doing right was not denigrating the other parent to the boys. She told him that the boys were aligned with me because I was the parent they wanted to live with, NOT because I had convinced them to say that to the court.

She said that both boys had told her about trying to tell DH that they didn't want to live with him, and about him telling them that they didn't know their own minds, and that they were being "manipulated" by me. She told him that that was detrimental to his relationship with them.

She then suggested that we meet with her again in order to draw up a Parenting Plan which would then be lodged with the court. She emphasised that, because of the boys’ ages, it would not really be enforceable, but that it would end the legal battle and would end the stress upon the boys.

Now, I agreed to this, and DH said yes, but he sounded insincere and I won’t believe it until I see it.

*sigh*

A lot of what was said was about DH and me resolving our differences and beginning a new co-parenting relationship for the sake of the kids.

I said that it would take more than a simple decision in order for that to happen.

I have too much anger. I don’t trust him.

He would need to offer to pay some or all of his debt to me. He would need to sincerely apologise to me. He would need to show me that he is trustworthy.

And he said that I would need to apologise to him for god knows’ what. Seriously. I don’t know what I need to apologise to him for. Oh, and that the debt would need to be wiped as he doesn't have the money to pay it and shouldn't have to go into bankruptcy.

Read the story of our breakup here, if you haven’t already.

He’s been the bastard for 11 years. I’ve reacted to him letting the boys down and lying to me, but I haven’t instigated nastiness or lied to him or cheated him or denied him access to his boys.

So, good luck to us on that one.

Of course I want it for the boys. And I said in that room that I would love to have a decent co-parenting relationship for the sake of the boys.

Maybe I’m not a big enough person. Maybe I’m too selfish. I know all of that stuff about how when you’re angry with someone else you’re only poisoning yourself.... but I am not a saint.

Enough. I’m totally knackered from re-living it for this post. There was heaps more. I may think of more later and edit.

In the meantime, the boys and I are going away for the weekend with a girlfriend of mine and her son, and we’re also taking my godson along. Should be lovely.

Stitches out...

I took Boo to the doctor this morning to get his stitches out.

I told him about the horrendous experience Boo had had getting them put in and asked him if it was possible that Boo was simply immune to local anaesthetics.

Apparently not.

Apparently there is a particular way of injecting them into the wound to ensure that it actually goes in. That way was NOT used by the emergency room doctor. In fact, when I was watching her injecting the anaesthetic into the wound I asked her about the huge amount of it pouring down his face. She told me that it wouldn't make a difference. Grrr.

And apparently you should wait a few minutes before stitching in order to allow the local anaesthetic to do its job. Our emergency room doctor barely paused.

Poor Boo. No wonder he was in such agony.

Our doctor also said that the tetanus shots that he received at the hospital were unnecessary.. and actually useless in this particular situation (he fell on wood... not rusty metal).

Ah well. The stitches are out. The wound looks fine.... healing nicely. Thanks for all your kind words and sympathy.

We've got court-ordered family counselling at the Family Court in the morning.

*Gulp*.

ALL of us. There. Together.

A sad, true and ultimately hopeful 6 minutes...

I found this very moving. I can only hope that this articulate young woman grows up and pursues a career in the UN. Or, at the very least, becomes a Prime Ministerial Speech Writer.

The phone call every parent dreads.....

Boo's school telephoned me on Friday.

"Ummm, this is Boo's school. He has had an accident in the playground and we think he might need some stitches in his face. He's in great distress. Can you come immediately or should we call an ambulance?"

I swear I went into shock before I had even hung up the phone. I don't remember anything of my drive to the school, but I will never forget his blood-soaked face and shirt and his howling cries when I arrived there.

He had been playing BullRush and had been accidentaly tripped up by a friend. Unfortunately he fell, while moving at great speed, into a wooden seat. His top lip was split completely through and his knees were pretty banged up. Other than that, and the danger that he might have been unconscious for a few seconds after the fall, he was mainly in shock.

I'm not the best when it comes to my own children's blood. I am THE person you want to have around if it's YOUR child who's bleeding, but I'm a mass of jelly when it's my own flesh and blood's blood.

Boo was howling that he didn't want to go to the hospital and I was trying to focus on soothing him and not having a car accident and not passing out myself...

Somehow we made it to the local Emergency room.... which was so full that people were actually waiting outside. A nearby Emergency room had closed down due to a fire the night before and this one was therefore catering for both.

It took a couple of hours to be seen by a doctor, who immediately called for a Plastic Surgeon to consult as the split lip was so serious. Another 2 hours and the Plastics doc got there, only to disappear again after having told our doctor how to stitch it.

It was horrendous. I swear the local anaesthetic didn't work. Boo was in such agony during the stitching that the doctor was tempted to cut the number of stitches in order to stop his pain. It was unbearable to watch. In fact, I can't believe that I did watch it. He squeezed my hands so hard that they are still a bit achey today. He screamed. Literally screamed. And he's not usually scared of pain.

And then he had to have TWO horrible horrible tetanus shots.

And the only thing he wanted for his reward for bravery (I would have given him the world at this point)? Five spicy chicken wings from a local chicken shop for dinner. Sheesh.

And to sleep in my bed.

It's a DH weekend this weekend. But he wanted to stay with me last night. DH picked him up this morning under strict instructions that Boo is not to over-exert himself, swim, get the stitches wet etc.

Keep your fingers crossed.

Me? I'm still a bit shaky and upset. It's going to be a big scar (unless he lets me massage him with Vitamin A for months afterwards) and he'll never be able to grow a mo (no big loss, I guess)... but hopefully his lip shape will be normal and there will be no other consequences. It's more the horror of seeing my baby in agony, and being reminded of the vulnerability of all that we have. It could have been so much worse.

I'm taking it slow today.

My Kafka-esque world...

*Sigh*

Well.... the Child Support Agency Change of Assessment decision was handed down last week. It was decided slightly in my favour. That is, the amount of Child Support was increased. But by such a minimal amount that I feel wronged by the process anyway.

Then the system kicked in.

The amount doesn't matter. They still "can't" force him to pay it. The debt will grow, BUT.... it can be removed by a judge.

And, according to the opinion of my Child Support Agency rep, it is likely to happen, with a debt of this size.

See.... apparently in this country the onus is on the payee parent to ensure that her children survive (obviously thriving doesn't matter) without the paying parent's support. And if she/he does, the judge says "You survived without receiving the child support and therefore you don't need it now" and removes the debt. Never mind quality of life. Never mind the severely reduced circumstances and opportunities of the mother and the increased wealth of the father.

And therefore the paying parent gets away scot-free.

And because DH's debt, through the Child Support Agency, is over $100,000 (which is not a huge amount over 10 years), and because my children and I aren't living on the streets, I've obviously managed without it.

It's insane.

Kafka couldn't have made this up.

Boy Heaven....

This weekend was spent at a great friends' farm.

We "grown ups" cooked, walked, talked, went into "town" for coffee and supplies, read our books.....






... while the boys played cricket, watched "The Life of Brian" (insert evil mummy laugh here) and *gulp* had their first driving lessons.

They were actually bloody good! See for yourself!...

FAMILY COURT RALLY & PETITION Sunday 3rd MAY 2009

I've taken this straight off a Facebook Group of the same name.

Please sign this petition even if you live outside of Australia. It's an issue which affects so many of our children and our government MUST do something about it....

The death of so many of our country's children at the hand of their parents have shocked us all.

But have they shocked Australian politicians enough to make them review and amend the way the Family Court of Australia deals with children where domestic violence or sexual abuse allegations are made?

We hope so.

We are organizing this petition and a rally to be held in every capital city in Australia.
PLEASE SIGN THE FOLLOWING PETITION

http://www.gopetition.com.au/petitions/family-court-of-australia-amendments.html

Parents (and their family) currently involved in FCA dispute will need to wear red hoods or scarves to disguise themselves so they can't be identified for legal reasons.

Red will signify the blood of Australian children being shed by FCA orders which force children to have access to, or shared care with parents who are violent or sexually abusive.

Please read the discussion forum to see what you can do, the latest updates on the organizing, and more information about the protest.

Importantly, please sign the petition and send it to your networks, personally asking them to pass it on. This is how we CAN make a difference.

We already have media interest and dozens of volunteers helping with this. Be part of an event that will help save children's lives.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~

This is an extract of a letter sent to the Attorney General's Dept recently. It was forwarded to me by Prof Freda Briggs.
You might find the list of incidents at the end of the extract, pretty amazing. I did.

"Since the reforms of 1996 and 2006, there is a palpable reluctance by the courts to reduce contact between parents and children, even when there is ample evidence that one parent has engaged in behaviours congruent with domestic violence or 'intimate terrorism' as described by the AIFS study where category C is ascribed to the most severe form of interpersonal violence. This is also in spite of The Family Law Act 1975, (Cth) s60B, (b) and (c). Justice Wall from the UK has stated that,

"I was concerned to read in a number of places in the files that reliance was placed on the proposition that it may be safe to order contact where domestic violence had been perpetrated on the mother, but not on the child. In my judgment it needs to be recalled that Drs Sturge and Glaser pointed out that domestic violence involved "a very serious and significant failure in parenting- failure to protect the child and failure to protect the child emotionally (and in some cases physically) - which meets the definition of child abuse. It is, in my view, high time that the Family Justice System abandoned any reliance on the proposition that a man can have a history of violence to the mother of his children but, nonetheless, be a good father."

"However, in Australia the reasoning seems to indicate that the judiciary continues to believe that a parent who has been physically violent to the other does not indicate that they are a danger to the children of the marriage. For example;

"However, on the father's own admission, he has acted in ways that would bear the description of "domestic violence". This includes putting his hands around the neck of the mother. It may be also that other conduct, though falling short of physical assault, but which was aggressive and angry, would also fit that description. He was probably controlling and dominant in the relationship with the mother. This might also fit the description of domestic violence. As well, he was a times physically domineering in applying physical discipline to [the 18 month old child], such as straddling her on the bed and holding her head or face to ensure her attention. All of these behaviours are indications of an approach to relationships and parenting, less than optimal, in times past. As well, it is clear enough that he has not been alert to crossing personal boundaries."

This father continues to have unsupervised contact with this child.

The causal factors between the dynamic of domestic violence, its range of indicators and the dangers this behaviour poses to the children of the marriage continue to be ignored by the judiciary, report writers, the legal practitioners and even the police department. This has resulted in the growing list of deaths of children from a family of origin where domestic violence can be ascribed as the feature of the breakdown in the relationship. Fears for the safety of children are ignored. Consider the following sample:

• 1996 - January 25: Peter May shot and killed his three children, Lisa eleven, Andrew eight, and Natalie seven during a contact visit. On the same day, he also killed his wife and her parents. May's history of domestic violence and links to the Men's Rights Agency was commonly known and reported,
• 1998 – October 23: After Ronald Jonkers lost custody of Aaron DeBaugy 5, Ashlee seventeen months and David seven, he poisoned them by carbon monoxide in their car on a contact visit in Perth,
• 1999 – August: WA four young children were gassed along with their father Mark Heath after a family court dispute,
• 2000 - Rhonda Bartley was shot dead by her ex-partner in Berri while attending a court ordered contact handover of their baby daughter,
• 2001 - September: Mikaylah Green eleven weeks, Taylah Pringle eleven months and Jackson Merrott six, were smothered by their father on a contact visit in Sydney,
• 2002- Ana Hardwick 35 is strangled by her former partner after the family court granted her custody of their eleven and eight year old children,
• 2004 – April 26: Jessie Dalton nineteen months and Patrick Dalton thirteen weeks were smothered by their separated father Jayson Dalton after a family court order to him to return the infants to their mother Dionne,
• 2005 – 4th September: Robert Farquharson killed his sons Jai ten, Tyler seven, and Bailey two, by driving them into a dam in Winchelsea, south-west of Melbourne on Fathers' Day contact visit,
• 2008 – May 9: The body of three year old Imran Zilic, was found after his father threw him down a mine on an access visit,
• 2008 – January 3: Christopher McEwen raped and then killed his daughter Rhiannon McEwen on Bribie Island on New Years Eve. The matter of the children's residency was before the Family Court in 2004 where the father was given residency of all three children. It is not known to this writer if it was by consent. However, this father was cleared by a psychiatrist to leave a Brisbane hospital's mental health unit just nine days before he allegedly raped and murdered his ten-year-old daughter. Queensland Health did not report the man – who had spent two weeks as an involuntary patient in the hospital's mental health unit – to the Department of Child Safety. Given this man's mental condition, the question is how in 2004 was it that he obtained sole custody of his four children aged between six and ten?
• 2009 – January 29: Arthur Freeman unbuckled Darcey from her seat in the family Toyota Land Cruiser on the West Gate Bridge about 9.15am and threw her over the edge and into the Yarra River 58m below. She died in hospital four hours later. The tragedy occurred one day after the Freemans had reached an agreement over access to Darcey and their two other children, Benjamin six, and Jackson two, following their separation in 2007. "

I feel like a new woman....

I've just been to the hairdresser! First time in 8 months (I was going to name this post "Eight Months Between Roots" but I wasn't sure that my non-Australian friends would understand the humour in that one).

3 hours of having foils put in, taken out, my hair washed, a treatment and a head massage, and I truly do feel amazingly different. No wonder some women do this every month!

Toto came home after school to do an assignment, as he feels that he can't do it at DH's house. He says that DH doesn't help him with his homework when he's stuck, and gives him a set time limit in which to complete it. If he doesn't manage it all in that time, DH gets angry and tells him that he has to take the consequences at school.

Boo organised a playdate across the road so that he would be here when DH came to collect them both at 6pm.

So, now they're both gone and I'm facing a weekend of selfishness. I've got two books lined up that I've been longing to read... and a list of movies that I'd love to see. And other than that... I plan to sleep. Next week is going to be huge. Family Court ordered counselling on Monday and a couple of big jobs during the week.

Can you tell that I'm feeling enormously better?

Oooooh I'm cross.....

I mentioned in my last post that I've had quite a bit of work over the past couple of weeks. Amongst that was a lot of preparative work for a collaboration with someone else for ongoing seminars. Meetings have been held, websites have been created, rooms booked and p.r. companies have been hired. Hours of creative mind-melding work (challenging at the moment) have been wrung out of my exhausted brain.

And today we had a meeting.

I've been a little bit protective of my "product" as I have no way of legally protecting the content that makes me "stand out above the crowd". But today's meeting was about discussing specific content and examples. And I gave those freely.

And at the end of the meeting, I was told that an ex-co-worker of his had recently returned from London and would possibly therefore be presenting the first couple of seminars with him. I could still, of course, pass on to my clients the marketing information as the seminar will be so incredibly useful to them.

I was speechless.

No amount of "of course we may still use you for other ones in the future" could bring my chin up off the floor.

I feel violated. And SO pissed off because I had allowed myself to count on the income to get me out of the mess I'm in.

And I have no one to blame but myself.

I don't want to jinx anything.... but.....

... apart from spending yesterday crying for absolutely no reason... I'm feeling a bit better.


It's amazing how light things seem when the darkness begins to lift. Every single action, every obligation, every otherwise enjoyable event has seemed like an insurmountable challenge. I've enjoyed things during this time... but the effort to get to things, or prepare for things has worn me out. And I've needed recovery time. Lots.

One of the most noticeable things for me was my loss of confidence. I decided that my photography skills were shockingly pathetic, my Photoshop skills even more so, and that I was kidding myself if I thought that I could write a sentence worth publishing on a world-wide forum. I'm still feeling pretty shaky about those three things, but I'm reminding myself that I'm not doing this for any reason other than my own desire to connect with other wonderful like-minded bloggers. And that they you are not judging me.

I've also been working quite a lot over the last few weeks... minus my normally wonderful confidence. It has been totally exhausting, sometimes uncomfortable and, had I not known that this was not my "normal" state of operating, I would have been thrown into a turmoil about my professional skills and abilities.

And, of course, the legal crap continues. Painfully slowly. Inchingly, revoltingly slowly. DH and I have had one of the arbitrations cancelled. It was quite hilarious actually. Hmmm. We had a Social Security Appeals Tribunal pre-arbitration phone conference regarding DH's objection to a decision by the Child Support Agency that went in my favour. His objection was completely irrelevant to the actual decision and it didn't take long for the SSAT representative to point that out to DH. He dismissed the Appeal that same day. One thing that did come out of the phone call was that DH has lodged another case against me in the Family Court. One that I have not been notified about yet. Something else to look forward to.

That same afternoon Toto had a "Meet The Teachers" bbq at his school. Which meant that I had to see, and even talk to, DH. I didn't stop shaking for about 12 hours from the effort required to maintain an even keel. My darling Toto said "Mum, I'm really proud of you... You're doing such a good job of being nice to Dad" which of course kept me seemingly calm and focussed.

This was one of the highlights of the past couple of weeks... actually it was two of the highlights as we were lucky enough to be able to meet up twice....

Tim, Dina, Jack, Fe, Boo, Toto

So.... hopefully the skies will stay brighter in my perspective for a while. I know that I am not broken. I simply have too much stress in my life right now and will need to manage my time and resources better to avoid this kind of extended darkness.

The tears that continue to roll are more about what my boys are feeling. I stole a look at Toto's English book at school the other day. Under the heading "My Family" he wrote about his divorced parents both wanting him to live with them. And he wrote "but I prefer to live with my Mum". I hadn't realised how much I needed to see those words. To know that, despite their adamant spoken words to me, they weren't just telling me what they thought I wanted to hear.

This is the only photograph that I've taken over the past month or so that I actually really like. Boo is concentrating on his Nintendo DS... lying next to me on my bed... with the strong western sunlight mottled by the blind. They're growing so quickly at the moment and I'm trying to capture those childish expressions that will soon disappear. Not so easy as they've both suddenly become quite camera shy. Bugger.

The Girl Who IS Australian...

It's been another week between posts.  A fact that both shocks me and doesn't surprise me at all, in equal proportions.

It's been a week filled with more nastiness from DH (I probably should explain every now and then for my newer friends that DH does NOT stand for Dear Husband here on my blog.  It stands for Dick Head.  My ex-husband.  Sorry to be so blunt.  But there you have it.) and more downtimes for me.

But there have been some bright spots too and all in all I can feel my spirit lifting.  God knows I've been trying.

On Thursday night we had Dina (and her husband Tim and son Jack) from The Girl Who Wished She Was Australian over for dinner.  We'd organised this before she left Texas for her Australian holiday, and I wasn't going to let a little bout of depression stop me from meeting her.  I will, however, admit to feeling more than my usual sense of anxiety prior to meeting a bloggy friend for the very first time.

We had a fantastic evening.  All that wasted anxiety!!  It was as though we'd known each other for years.  Really.  We were laughing at the most ridiculous things within about an hour.... a real indication of true simpatico in my books.  We played Trivial Pursuit, ate large amounts of food and became good friends.  All in the space of a few hours.  (photos soon... I promise).

It was so good, in fact, that we're doing it again next week.

And I feel up to it.  A true leap forward from the way I've been feeling these last few weeks.

So many of you have emailed me "just checking in".  THANK YOU.  Thank you.  Thank you.

Darkness....

I’m still in a dark dark place... and the energy required to do the things that I HAVE to do leaves me totally and utterly depleted. But I’m still here... and I draw strength and a feeling of connection by reading all my fave bloggy-friends’ posts.

My friend is back in the hospital. In fact, since I last wrote about her, she’s been in and out three times. You can only imagine how awful this has been. I remain optimistic about her long term recovery, however, and this helps me keep in touch with the sliver of hope that my own “funk” will ease soon.

DH has been overstepping his boundaries with the boys. He telephones them every day and night, and yesterday he actually picked them up from school and took them for a “play” WITHOUT TELLING ME. He’s doing this to try to prove to a registrar that he is a great Dad, and to try to make up to the boys for years of not giving a shit, but you don’t do that to a mother who is worried sick because her 10 year old son is 15 minutes late home from school. My brain is imploding because apparently if a mother does this she is “clingy” and “invasive” but if a father does this he is “caring” and “enthusiastic”.

And of course Toto and Boo are trying to look after me emotionally. I try SO hard to hide this stuff from them.... SO hard. But it’s impossible to hide the puffy eyes from crying all day, or the burnt dinner from forgetting that I was cooking at all, or the anger with their father for bringing them home with homework undone and school clothes unwashed, and for interrupting our time together every day.

Mainly it’s just the fact that I cry at the drop of a pin.

This is so not good at this point in the legal proceedings. It’s such a catch-22. If it wasn’t for the legal stuff I wouldn’t BE in this depressive episode. And that’s where my brain catches fire and starts melting and my tear ducts develop a mind of their own.

Still, the boys seem to be okay. Boo laughed at me the other day when I was trying to say something positive about DH. He laughed in a comfortable way... and said “Mum, I know you’re trying to make us feel better, but you don’t have to lie”. It’s so tempting to say “Phew! Okay! Thanks babe..... let’s talk about what a total dish-rag he is!” but no.... I said “I’m not lying darling. ALL parents argue sometimes. Daddy and I don’t agree on what’s best for you at the moment, that’s all.” vomit.puke.bullsh*t.

Happy Bah Humbug...

Agitation...

Wednesday, although my darling Toto's birthday, was a terribly uncomfortable day for me.  The helplessness of knowing that I had already contributed the very most that I could financially and that the Australian Red Cross will not accept my blood (lived in the UK during the Mad Cow outbreak) was leaving me unsettled and agitated.

And so I did some research and discovered that, although right now all local storage facilities for clothing donations for the victims of the Victorian Bushfires are filled to capacity, they will soon be desperate for more.  I spent hours going through my cupboards and drawers.... removing every single item of clothing that I haven't worn in the last year.... and ended up with 5 garbage bags full of pretty good clothes.  In many varied sizes.

I've added sheets, blankets and kitchen utensils, and will be giving them to the Salvation Army this week.

Still... I wish there was more that I could do to help.

I can't watch the news.  I can't read the newpapers.

You see... I'm feeling very depressed.  And the fact that there are so many people SO much worse off than me just makes me feel even more depressed.  Because it makes me feel guilty for feeling so depressed.  I feel as though I "should" be able to cope with my lot when all of those people have to cope with SO MUCH MORE.  When, of course, this is not about choice at all.

This is one of those things that can be difficult to explain to someone who hasn't suffered from depression.  And you'd probably be too kind to say it to my face, or to leave it in a comment, but I'm sure that the thoughts  "Be strong!  You'll get through it!  You've got a roof over your head!  You've got your boys!" have flickered through at least one of your minds.  Well, I promise you that those are the thoughts that are constantly in my mind as I struggle to get out of bed, to wash, to function, to stop crying for more than a few minutes at a time.

On a good note, my friend is home from the hospital.... and doing well.

Happy Birthday Toto!!

Dearest Toto,

Thank you for choosing me to be your Mummy.

In your life thus far, you have taught me so much about loving, being loved, patience, kindness and true joy.

I cannot imagine my world without you in it.

I love you to the moon and back. Times infinity. And more. No returns.

Your Mummy.