Moustache as theme....

Inigo (from Lara and Mark) turned one today. And, in celebration, his fabulously quirky parents threw him a party with a moustache theme. As you do. It was lovely. The food was incredible. Babies were making happy sounds. Birds were twittering.

Then my other Lara and I threw the kids into a restaurant and had a speedy dinner before she took all of them off to a movie so that I could come home and keep on with the legal stuff (hence the short post tonight).

It is an M rated movie. *gulp*. I’m usually a ratings-nazi. Still, it’s James Bond. How bad can it be?? (maybe you shouldn’t answer that one)

Spot the moustaches....

A Dog Ate My Booby....

A million years ago (about 6 really), Toto, Boo and I were in the change room of a Sydney public swimming pool. I was struggling in that horrendous juggle of trying to change two small kids and myself into swimming cossies, and Boo escaped while my cossie was not quite pulled up. I chased after him to catch him before he fell in his attempt to climb onto a bench.

Suddenly there was a small girl screaming. She ran to her mother and, pointing to me, loudly yelled “Mummy!! That lady’s booby was bitten by a dog!”.

Toto puffed out his chest and proudly said “It wasn’t bitten by a dog. It was bitten by a cancer!”

The mother glared at me, held her child close to her and said “You shouldn’t be scaring children like that!”

Like I chose to have half of my breast removed.

Sheesh.

Perspective....

What on earth is happening in the world? I missed the news this morning and was told about the horrors happening in Mumbai at lunchtime. I cried.

This is insane stuff. And I just can't get my head around it. Terrorism is the result of such disturbed perspective. How can the taking of life EVER be justifiable?


Please God (whoever and whatever you are) send some peace onto our planet. Soon.

Lawyer Joke....

... because I'm trying to find something to smile about....

Idol Fireworks.....

You see, and hear, a lot of fireworks from my place. But last night they were particularly grand and loud and dramatic.

I lifted my head from the legal papers for long enough to realise that these were the fireworks from the Grand Final of Australian Idol... and then to quickly snap away before they ended.

Camera settings were not adjusted in the rush... so what I saw is what you get.

Project SPOS update...

I'm over the hump. I'm still exhausted and overwhelmed, but I'm not wanting to crawl into a hole and give up.

Today was spent preparing my Affidavit in response to DH's. It's a HUGE task (made even huger without the diaries.. grrrr..) but my friend J helped me find a starting point and stuck around to help me clarify my thoughts and clearly articulate the truth as I know it.

I've just finished the 12 page Affidavit and am now about to start on the Response to his Application for Final Orders.

I'm seeing a lawyer on Wednesday (not sure if he's the right one for me, but if not I've still got time to see some other ones) and want to be uber-prepared. I simply do not have the funds to pay someone hundreds of bucks an hour to do the grunt work.

*sigh*

My getting over that initial melt down was hugely caused by your support. The kindness of strangers (all friends now) and friends has given light where there was none. If I'd done this without you, I would still be stuck. I'd still be "I can't talk about it"-ing and unable to accept support and kindness. You've helped me see that, tough as this will be, I'm truly not on my own.

Toto is still ill and at home. "She" is still in hospital and wondering why I'm not visiting her. The stars are still out of alignment for us, but now I know that they will find their way back to normal... eventually.

So, short and sweet for tonight... but filled with love and sincerity. And my heart-felt thanks.

Sorry about that...

It's probably totally inappropriate to have had such a public meltdown. Or perhaps it's refreshingly honest. I'm not sure. I guess it's up to all of you.

It's just my truth.

I'm feeling much stronger today. Not confident or happy. I'm just calmer knowing that I have a HUGE task ahead of me which, win or lose, I must face. I think it took me a few days to realise that the fact that it is outrageous and unfair and horrific doesn't mean that reason will prevail.

My poor kids. He keeps calling them. They saw him this morning and tried to tell him that they didn't want to stay at his house during the week and he said "That's fine, but next year it will be different. You'll see.". They came back frustrated and upset because it took a lot of confidence for them to say anything at all to him. I wish they wouldn't. He won't change his mind. He's told me as much. They are just trying their best to fix this so that I'm happy again. Sweet little men.

Still haven't found the diaries. J is coming around tomorrow to help. I'm hopeful that a fresh pair of eyes and a clear mind will find them.

Thank you SO much to all of you who have commented, emailed and texted. Your support is everything right now. Especially because I'm completely incapable of talking about it.

And please forgive me my public display of human vulnerability.

Now... I've distracted myself today by watching the SBS series "First Australians". I missed it on telly and have been watching it on the SBS website. Phenomenal stuff. If you haven't seen it, I highly recommend it.

Here are a couple of pics taken from my office window today..... (now who could feel sorry for me with a view like this!)...

Searching.....

I’ve spent all day searching for old diaries. DH lied through his teeth about times that he’s had the kids, and I need them to find all my diary notes about dates and times. And I can’t find them. It’s incredible. I’ve literally spent 5 hours searching every drawer, every shelf, under every bed, through every bookcase, even in clothing drawers.

Now I’m the first to admit that my office is totally disorganised, but my search was so thorough that I’m convinced they aren’t in my flat. But where else would they be?

You can see the state of my mind. I’m trying desperately to focus on action, and being thwarted constantly. When I’m still, I cry.

I have, however, calculated the total outstanding amount of unpaid child support and spousal maintenance owed to me over the past 10 years. $327,342.86. And that doesn’t include any of the extra things that he was supposed to pay (school costs, uniforms, dental, health insurance etc). Oh, and it doesn’t include any child support for Boo (as he was born a week after the orders were made).

I don’t expect to get all of it, but I’m hoping it goes towards showing his attitude to parenting, and that perhaps I will get some of it (or at the very least have HIM pay my legal costs).

Oh, I’ve also found out that I will not only have to pay for my own lawyer, but also for separate lawyers for the boys if they want to have their say (which they do).

The next thing that I have to do is write an affidavit about DH’s behaviour towards the boys and his unwillingness to have them over the past 10 years. I can’t start that. Something in my mind snaps and I can’t think clearly.

They boys are now both ill. Very ill. Listless, cranky, coughing, feverish. I can feel it beginning with me too. I’m sure it will hit me when I stop my manic searching.

“She” is in a terrible condition. She has, understandably, lost all hope. I can’t help her at all. I need to stay away. For both our sakes. Still, she calls me .... asking for reassurance and advice. I give it to her, but I know I’m lying. And I’m terrified that she can hear that in my voice.

I don’t know how or what to write today, but I’m damned if I fail NaBloPoMo after all the effort I’ve put into it.

I feel like a chicken who has had it’s head chopped off and is still running around in circles. I think I’m reacting so badly to this because of the experience I had the first time DH took me to Family Court. It was incredibly bad. And it was 7 days before Boo’s birth.

My depression has come back full swing. I feel totally overwhelmed and unable to focus clearly. I am thinking in terms of all or nothing. I’m feeling incapable of taking this battle on.

Writing that last paragraph down has helped me. I can see that I won’t feel this way forever. I’ll get through this.

Thank you Guera for the list of lawyers. You’re a god-send. And thank you Kim for a lawyers’ name as well. I’m waiting for them all to get back to me.

The boys were meant to go away with DH this weekend but Toto is ill. Really ill with flu-like symptoms, fever and a terrible cough. I took him to the doctor today and he was prescribed complete bed-rest and quiet. Oh, and he’s highly contagious so we’ll all get it.

This means that he can’t go away this weekend. And Boo is refusing to go without him. Of course DH thinks that this is ME reacting to his litigiousness and is furious. He has said that he doesn't believe me and will go and speak to the doctor himself.

It’s actually more to do with sick kids wanting their Mum. Something which DH has encouraged over the years by always bringing them “home” to me whenever they were sick.

You know the one thing above all others that is killing me right now? I told DH on the phone (just before he hung up on me, telling me that he will not be speaking to me without his lawyer) that this is not about ME fighting him, but about HIM fighting the wishes of the boys. I begged him not to do this because the boys DO NOT want to spend every second week with him. I told him that if they did, I would agree to it. He said “They’ll just have to get used to it”.

What an uncaring, unfeeling cretin.

Oh, and in an awful awful awful awful twist, “she” is back in hospital. The universe is just not aligning for us at the moment. And I feel that I have nothing left in me to help her at the moment. But of course I can’t explain that to her, or tell her about this situation with DH. So, we’ll see ...

On a more heart-warming note..... this is Toto's painting that came home from school the other day...

Project SPOS update....

I just got served with family court papers. With a hearing date which falls during our annual beach holiday. It's full of lies and ridiculous accusations.

It claims to be about parenting issues, but if it truly was, would paragraph 15 read "That the wife pay the husband's costs of this application"?????? When the husband owes the wife over $200,000 in unpaid monies on an existing Final Orders? When the wife has not once not complied with those existing orders?

There is steam coming out of my ears. My kids are supposed to be going away with him this weekend and neither of them wants to go. I had to ask them if they would be okay with living with him every second week and both still adamantly said no. I had to explain that he was taking me to court to try and get that, and that if they really didn't want to, I would fight it. But that if they wanted to, I would agree with it. They both adamantly said no. And then told me things that made my blood boil. Things that they haven't told me before because they thought I'd get angry and tell him that they told me and then he would be angry with them. Things that make me want to fight to get him out of their lives forever.

I don't know how, but I calmed myself with them and they were okay by the time they went to bed.

I'm anything but calm.

I'm so angry. And furious with bloody John Howard who put the Child Support and Family Court changes into law. DH is only doing this so that he has no forward Child Support responsibilities. His behaviour over the last 10 years has shown that he has only ever seen the boys when it suits him and has certainly never wanted more access than he has been given. And his current behaviour, according to things that the boys have now told me, demonstrates his unhappiness when he is with them.

Somebody pass me a cigarette. Please.

Betrayal.....

I did something yesterday that I don’t often do. I watched Oprah. And it was about a mother who contracted a flesh-eating virus whilst undergoing a caesarian section, which resulted in the removal of many of her organs, and both her arms and both her legs.

At many times during her many surgeries and long recovery, the doctors did not expect her to survive. But she did. And she says that she did because she simply wanted to get home to her children.

She was engaged to the father of her second baby when all of this happened, and he married her while she was still in the hospital. They were both on the show.

As was Jenny McCarthy.. an American actress and mother of an autistic boy who has recently partnered with Jim Carrey. The show was very focussed on the amazing support of these men and the devotion and understanding that they showed to their partners under very difficult circumstances.

I cried and cried.

And I thought of myself and of Guera and of all of us who have been physically and/or emotionally abandoned by our life-partners and who struggle with parenting and self-esteem as a result.

I know it’s heavily edited television-land stuff. But the premise was real. There ARE wonderful people out there who will love and support unconditionally. And, if we want one, there will be one there for us. It just seems so unfair that we didn’t choose one of those the first time around.

I’m so sure that I don’t want to take the risk of partnering up again. I really am. But this show got to the deeper part of me that DOES miss being loved unconditionally by an adult male. And who is deeply deeply sad at having been abandoned by one that she deeply deeply loved.

That’s it. No more Oprah for me.

In all honesty, I think my emotion has come from having to sit with DH at Toto’s school “do” the other night. I don’t often see him, and right now I’m so effing angry with him because of all this legal stuff that I’m highly emotional about it. I think he looks like an ape and I have no desire for him, but I get incredibly sad about the fact that this man is the father of my children and ten years after walking out on us he still treats me so awfully. The “how could he do this to me?” stuff re-emerges. Closely entwined with the “how could I have chosen that man to be the father of my children?” stuff.

I guess the feeling of betrayal never really goes away.

DH and me on a camel safari in India in 1993

Bloggy Love....

I received an award today! The wonderful Lani from Me & Boo gave me one.... which prompted me to realise that she also gave me one back in October. One which I instantly forgot about and didn’t acknowledge. I’m so sorry Lani. I can only guess that I was a bit stressed at the time.

So today I’m acknowledging the first one....


.. This one has a questionnaire attached. So, here goes....

1. Have you had the same friends since childhood?

No. I lived outside Australia for too long in the years prior to email and lost contact with most of them. When I came home I found that we didn’t seem to have much in common and so I didn’t put the effort required into re-kindling the friendships. That shortsightedness on my behalf saddens me now.

I do, however, have friends from my late teens and early twenties. And I have kept pretty much every friend that I made when I lived overseas.

2. What do you value most about your friends?

Honesty. Trust. Kindness. Acceptance. Laughter. Our differences.

3. Are your friends your sounding boards?

Not all of the time. I’m actually mostly pretty uncomfortable when it comes to talking about myself in the real world. I think that’s why I’ve taken to the blogging world so eagerly.

4. What is your favorite activity to share with your friends?

Fun stuff. That includes, but is not limited to, indoor games, outdoor activities, sharing meals, holidays, e-mails. I’m not good at talking on the telephone. Oh, and I’d rather eat live maggots than go shopping with a friend. (What a cheerful girl I am today!)

Now... I am supposed to award this to four friends, but I’m going to give it to every one of my readers who is doing NaBloPoMo. We need all the help we can get!!

I’m saving the other award for another NaBloPoMo struggle-day.

PS. She’s home. A bit wobbly, but so-far so-good. Thanks for all support and good wishes. I know they all help.

PPS. Thank you Lani for all the bloggy-love!

Welcome to the next 6 years of his life.....

Tonight was the Welcome evening for the Class of 2014 at the school that Toto will be attending next year.

It is a beautiful small Cathedral school in the centre of the city (read the story of Toto’s interview and acceptance here) and every time I visit I love it more and more.

The emphasis is always firmly placed upon the well-being and happiness of the boys, whilst quietly giving examples of academic, sporting and musical excellence as almost an afterthought. This approach to raising the men of tomorrow suits me well.

He will be the only boy in the entire school to come from the north side of our harbour (a big dividing line in our city) and one of just a handful of boys who won't be beginning his high-school career with friends from his primary school. The boys come from over 200 different suburbs, and because the school is literally right in the heart of Sydney, many of them travel long distances. The school has a tradition of having Year 12 boys accompany the Year 7 boys on public transport all the way home for the first week or so. They won’t be able to do this for Toto as there are no Year 12 boys going in his direction. They have offered to have a teacher accompany him, but I have decided that I will be the one to do that for his first week. Maybe for his second week as well.

Oh hell. Do you think I could do it for the first year?

I am finding this all very emotional. My baby boy is going to be in high school, and travelling into the city everyday by himself. I myself went to school in the city and I remember loving the independence that the travel allowed me. But somehow Toto just doesn’t seem as savvy as I was at his age.

Or am I just having trouble letting go?

Toto in Pre-School

2001

Cross everything.....

Things have been so great with "her". She is due to be discharged tomorrow, and so I went to visit her for a last "hoorah in the hospital".

And she received a phone call.

The kind of phone call that would send you spinning even if you were the healthiest, strongest person on the planet.

Her daughters' school telephoned. To tell her that her daughter threw her lunch out today, and refused to eat in front of the school counsellor.

Yes, her daughter has been required to eat her lunch in front of the school counsellor every day for the last month or so.

Because she has the beginnings of an eating disorder.

"Her" husband has taken their daughter to the doctor about it, after receiving a phone call from the school saying that teachers and pupils were concerned with her non-eating and weight-loss.

Today's phone call was an accident. The school was meant to discuss this only with her husband, and really messed up by calling her.

And she is in a spin. She is so close to the edge. Thank God I was there when she got the call.

Her husband and daughter came in to the hospital this evening to talk to her and her doctor, and nothing much was said.

I feel pleased that her daughter has been "found out" this early in her journey, and am confident that she will get the support and help that she needs to get through this before it becomes a major illness. I also think that this is a big cry for help from a 13 year old girl whose Mum has been so very ill and absent for such a long time. I feel that as "she" gets stronger, her daughter will also feel less out-of-control.

I am, however, extremely concerned about the impact of this news upon "her". The timing simply couldn't have been worse.

Please keep her in your thoughts.

A sewing day...

P.S.....

Happy Birthday to "her"!

Yesterday's Childhood...

Do you remember riding your bike along the streets of your suburb and hanging out with your friends until you heard your mother ringing the bell that signaled dinnertime?

Do you remember taking your 20 cents pocket money to the milk-bar and buying peppermint creams, paddle-pops or redskins and feeling like the richest kid in the world?

Do you remember walking to your friends’ house and knocking on the door to ask their parents if they could come out to play?

Do you remember putting your roller-skates, terry-toweling wristbands and shorts and knitted legwarmers on and roller-dancing to ABBA and/or Olivia Newton-John songs?

Do you remember listening to 2SM’s Father Jim’s talkback radio on Sunday nights when you were supposed to be sleeping?

Do you remember when a take-away meal was a “The Lot” hamburger (with egg and beetroot) from the above-mentioned local milk-bar?

Do you remember when the whole family sat in front of the one and only telly on Sunday nights to watch “Countdown” and then “Bill Collins’ Golden Years of Hollywood” or “Walt Disney”?

(I know the above list is VERY Australian, but I’m sure you can all get the gist)

I wonder what our kids will remember...

Mine can’t ride their bikes along our streets.... way too many cars.

Mine can’t buy their favourite things with their $5 pocket money as DS games cost about $80 a pop.

Mine can’t have a play-date without pre-planning and parental phone calls and checks.

Mine would dress up and roller-blade an avatar on a video game, but wouldn’t be caught dead doing it in real life.

Mine listen to tunes on their iPod after lights out.

Mine are torn for choice on our rare take-away dinners. But wouldn’t be interested in anything as healthy as a “The Lot” hamburger.

Mine disagree about what programmes to watch as a family and therefore would rather watch a DVD in their own bedroom.

I wonder what their kids will remember....

Sixth & Sixth...

A few days ago, the wonderful Guera from A Roaming Aussie Mum tagged me for a photo meme.

The idea is that you go to your Flickr account (or equivalent) and find the sixth photo on the sixth page. And then (as Guera did) you go to your photo folders on your own computer and find the sixth photo in the sixth folder.

So, here goes...

The sixth photo on the sixth page of my Flickr account is this one, of Boo in our local Chinese restaurant...


... and the sixth photo in the sixth folder in my Pictures directory on my computer is this one of me trying to hide behind my hair ...

And now, of course, I'm going to tag six people!

Fairlie at Around the Traps and Before Our Time

Lara at DiscoKnitter

Ali at Callapipper Tree

Tracey at Just Another Mommy Blog (thankyou for being my shiny-newest-commenter!)

Le at Third On The Right

Shirley at Rhubarbwhine

.... for being the most recent people to give me blog-love!

I had a whole 'nother post planned for today....

(see? I am finally beginning to think ahead!)

.... but I needed to share with you the 9 (8.5?) most precious words in the English language....

Her: "Hi Fe. I think I've turned a corner!"

.... and by tone and content, she most certainly has! The ensuing conversation went something along the lines of ..

Fe: "Holy &*^%! That's wonderful!"

Her: "There's no need to swear about it!"

She sounds SO much better. And she FEELS so much better. And although there may still be some more dancing before we're outta there, I am just jumping with joy because this feels like the first time that I have had a conversation with the REAL her since before she was hospitalised.

Oh man! Today's a GOOD day!

When I was a little girl...

I wanted to be happy. I didn’t want to be a doctor, lawyer, nurse, mummy or anything specific. Just happy.

When I was in my early twenties...

I wanted to NOT have my own children and therefore add to the over-population of the world. I wanted to focus on my career, continue to spend my life living in countries other than Australia, contribute to help make the world a better place, find a kind and funny partner to love and then possibly adopt an unwanted child from a third-world country.

When I was in my late twenties....

I wanted to make my marriage the best marriage that had ever existed. I wanted to have babies and continue contributing my skills to those less fortunate than me. I felt blessed and almost guilty for being so happy.

When I was in my early thirties....

I desperately wanted to fall pregnant. I suffered miscarriage after miscarriage and felt that I had failed at the one thing that I was supposed to be able to do easily.

I wanted to fulfill my husband’s greatest wish as well. He SO wanted to be a father, and my failure to do that easily (yes, medical tests proved that it was all my fault, not his) became a fissure in our relationship.

When I was in my early to mid-thirties....

I wanted to die. I had failed at everything. I failed at being a wife. I was a hopeless mother. I was unable to work. I was convinced that I had had my run of happiness early on, and had nothing but sadness and difficulty in my future. And then...

I thought I was going to die. My cancer diagnosis threw me into a dread that I would leave my boys when they were too young to remember me at all. I wanted to shake their father into changing his priorities and becoming more involved in his sons’ lives. I wanted to live.

When I was in my late thirties....

I wanted my boys to know happiness. And I created a world for them which I hoped would allow them to develop self-esteem and confidence and a knowledge that they are loved. But I was very sad.

Now I am in my early forties.....

I want to be happy. Truly, deeply content. Without concern for the actions of their father. Without a stinging sense of injustice for the experiences I have had with him, with family court, with child support. Without a partner. Without depending on having financial security, but hopefully with a career that can support us without ongoing financial stress..

I want my boys to know that they are enough.

In the nick of time....

I forgot. Yep, that's right. I almost forgot to blog today..... which would have meant that I had "failed" the NoBloPoMo task.

"She" is talking a lot about failing right now. Her doctors are talking with her about when she can go home, and the reality of that has sent her spinning into "magical thinking". In other words.... if THIS happens, I'll be okay. But if THAT happens, I'll have to kill myself. "And it will be okay because you will look after my children."

So I had to dob her in again. Geez I hate doing that. But I feel no guilt. Just sadness.

She IS getting better. But it's so slow, and it's such a dance (one step forwards, two steps backwards) that it's hard to see it as progress.

Sometimes words ARE enough...

It was a really lovely birthday. Great friends, family, food and laughter...









and then I came home to home-made cards from my boys. Toto's was full of wonderful drawings and "I love you Mummy" and Boo's said "Happy Birthday. For 43 years the lovelyest (sic) woman on earth has lived." Awwwwwww....

Honestly. Makes up for every sleepless parenting night.

Thanks to all of you too, for all the lovely birthday wishes. You're the best!

Happy Birthday To Me.....

(phew... that was an easy one!)

Nothing Doing...

or Doing Nothing....

It's a kid-free day. My boys are with DH which means a Saturday without cricket. Without Uno. Without laughter and squabbles.

It's a hollow day.

But not a sad one.

My parents and I are going to the Sydney Theatre Company this afternoon to see "The Pig Iron People". Should be good.

And then tonight is a Bollywood-themed girls-night-in with my friend J and some of her friends. J shares my birthday tomorrow, so we're going to quietly celebrate early this year.

"Nothing Doing" could also be about my birthday. For the last couple of years I've held a party at the pub across the road, but I'm just not up for it this year. Next year I'll double my efforts and share the joy. Promise. This year just doesn't feel like much of a celebration. Especially without "her". Her birthday is the week after mine, and it feels wrong to do any celebrating while she's still so ill.

*sigh*

So, this is another NaBloPoMo post. A post for the sake of a post.

Sorry 'bout that.

Chocolates..

We had some visitors the other day. Lara and Inigo (from here) dropped by for some boy-adoration time. Awwww..

Toto was away, and so Inigo had Boo all to himself. I love the way my boys enjoy spending time with littler kidlets.

Awww.......




There was SO much laughter!



..and then Boo decided that the world was way "cooler" when seen from an inverse position. Can't say I disagree with him. (Probably because he could see - without all that hair in his eyes!)



This is an unusually early-morning shot of our view to the north. I say "unusually" because it's not like me to be awake before 6am, let-alone UP. Toto needed to be at school for a 6am excursion departure the other day, and so I made the most of it.




Do you ever have times when all you seem to do is cry? I tear-up over everything (and no, I'm not pre-menstrual). I had a run-in with my telephone provider today... and cried for an hour over it. Crazy. I mean, not literally (I hope). And I'm feeling very overwhelmed about the legal stuff with DH and "her" and everything else on my plate.

I guess I just need to cry it out. I feel as though I'm being very tough on myself for even talking about it here (feels kinda vulnerable) and that this should prompt me to "pull it together". I would never be that tough on anyone else.

*sigh*

Life. Is like a box of chocolates..... (thanks Forrest Gump for that clinker)

Topic! HERE topic! ....

Actually, I've got a few things to write about, but nothing coherent enough (or interesting enough) to warrant it's own post really.

She is not better, but is less anxious. I hope it's considered an improvement, because it is horribly frightening from where I sit. Each visit feels more and more as though I'm visiting an aged rellie with dementia. I know that her dementia-like-symptoms will disappear eventually, but man it's not fun right now.

Toto has gone away with his class for a 2 day excursion to our nations' capital. Which means that Boo is clingy and asleep in my bed (ugh - no sleep for me tonight).

And I'm hugely disappointed that the majority of Californian's voted Yes to Prop 8 and thereby ruled against same-sex marriage. On the same day that we're all celebrating a more liberal and life-experienced, less patriachal-rich-white-man president-elect. Sad sad sad.

I know lots of others have mentioned this in their blogs today (and I ripped my link straight from Lara's blog - thanks La!) but it's upset me so much that I thought it was worth a mention here.

I'm not judging though. We don't have it here yet folks. I would like to think, however, that if a referendum were held tomorrow, it would get passed.

I'd also like to think that I could still pull George Clooney.

This is the first time I've been glued to an American Election....

.... and I've found it fascinating.

I'm thrilled with the (almost announced) outcome.

Well done, my American friends. The world will embrace you for rejecting a party of warmongers and women-haters (and before you comment .... Sarah Palin is the most token woman I have ever seen in my life). And, if Obama follows through with his promises and ends the war in Iraq, I will lift my embargo upon all things made in America (which I've had since the war began) (and which had to exclude all things Mac. Sorry.) I'll also leave the airport next time I have a stop-over in your country (and will not make my lovely American friends travel to said airport to hang out with me).

Oh, and if my share portfolio happens to recover slightly due to world confidence in your new Democratic President, I will do a Big Happy Dance. On YouTube. Promise.

A chance to have your say today....

For all of us "non-Americans" living around the world and watching today's election with baited breath, here is a website to put a spring in your step (or not) today.

If you read the results, you'll see that not one single country (including the US) wants McCain to win. That could be, of course, because it's "done the rounds" of the democratic websites etc.

I, however, received the link from a card carrying Republican.

GO HERE TO VOTE

I had a crap day....

I know it’s not much of a topic, but I’m not good at choosing topics and then writing about them. I’m more of a “vomit out my worries” “blog as therapy” - type gal.

Hence this post.

I guess I’ve held everything in check lately... “Her”, DH, the legal stuff looming, the big job I just did. And now that the job is over, it’s all caught up with me.

The lawyer that I consulted a few months ago just sent me a whopping bill. He charged me for MORE time than I spent with him, and also charged me nearly $100 for “drafting, preparation and settling 1 letter on your behalf” .... THE BLOODY COSTS AGREEMENT!

I’m SO angry. Too angry to write a reply, yet.

And then my Health Care Fund admitted to overcharging me $3000+ over the last 2.5 years, but won’t agree to refund it to me.

Grrrrrrrrr.

I visited my shrink today, and discussed the major side effect of the drugs that I’m on. Weight gain. It’s really becoming quite obvious to me (and therefore everyone else, I’m sure) just how much weight I have gained since being on these drugs. They are, I must say, doing their job well. But this side-effect is becoming a whole ‘nother problem in itself.

She suggested Gastric Banding. Holy hell.

*gulp*

The bright part of my day was visiting “her”. The improvement is glaringly obvious to me. She still has a LONG way to go, however.

So now all that’s left is to say, to all my American friends, PLEASE VOTE!

Kahlil Gilbran...

I was looking for a quote from Kahlil Gilbran to put on the card for the Baby Shower that I went to on the weekend, and some of them were just irresistible.

Here:

Your children are not your children. They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself. They came through you but not from you and though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

and here:

Your living is determined not so much by what life brings to you as by the attitude you bring to life; not so much by what happens to you as by the way your mind looks at what happens.

These ones also seemed very poignant at the moment....

Where is the justice of political power if it... marches upon neighboring lands, killing thousands and pillaging the very hills?

Wisdom ceases to be wisdom when it becomes too proud to weep, too grave to laugh, and too selfish to seek other than itself.

That’s enough for today.

Happy Day Three of NaBloPoMo

Bris-Vegas and Adelaide....

BRISBANE

This was a whirlwind visit... I literally saw nothing more than the view from the cab (who ripped me off HUGELY) and this view from my hotel room....



ADELAIDE

I have a very soft spot for Adelaide. It was the very first city that I ever worked in outside my own city of Sydney. And I adore wines from the nearby Clare and Eden Valleys.






If it wasn't for NaBloPoMo I would not be blogging today at all.

I have the mother of ALL hangovers. My crazy-wealthy friends celebrated one of their fiftieth birthdays last night. Spectacular! Firedancers and eaters, court jesters, tarot readers, karoake, Cosmopolitans and an endless supply of Moet Chandon. I think I was one of the last to leave. And I certainly had a short but meaningful conversation with God on the big white porcelein telephone this morning.

And then had to go to a Baby Shower. *shudder*

So... I'm going to blame all my shonky posts on NaBloPoMo for the month of November.

Yes I am.

I love my home....

Yes, I've been away for a week and am therefore delighting in the comfort of being in my own environment. But it's that very feeling that has inspired me to think about the place that I call "home".

My boys and I moved into this flat 4.5 years ago after a very abrupt breakup with my ex-fiance. We had a week to move out of his house, and, as I had sold my house to move in with him and was not working for income at the time, we had extremely limited options.

My parents had bought their neighbouring flat a few years earlier. The idea was that it would allow them to house overseas rellies and visitors comfortably as well as providing their grandchildren with bedrooms for overnight visits. In fact, they had ended up knocking down connecting walls and expanding into the new flat themselves.... and were enjoying the extra space.

They generously took us in, under the strictest understanding that this was to be temporary.

And yet here we still are.

Part of it is because the boys settled in to their new school so well. Part of it is because I could never afford to rent or buy within travelling distance of that new school. Part of it is because, gradually, we put the connecting walls back in. And part of it is because we've fallen into a comfortable pattern of helping each other out.

And now I don't ever want to leave.

I love the idea of living with extended family, but the reality, initially, was difficult for all of us. It took us a long time to manage how much involvement was "helping" and how much was "interfering". My parents aren't young (they read this, so I won't divulge exactly how not young they are) and are suffering from some increasingly debilitating health issues. I believe that their involvement with my boys helps to keep them motivated and optimistic. And I definitely know that their involvement with my boys helps my boys to develop empathy and respect.

It's not always a picnic. As their youngest child, I find myself occasionally falling into patterns of behaviour that didn't become me when I was 16, letalone now that I'm 42. And they would, understandably, prefer to live in an environment without the noise that my boys sometimes make.

But the upside far outweighs all of that.

My boys and I adore them. And my Dad provides a role model to them that DH and my brothers have failed to provide.

And the views rock!

NaBloPoMo.... Oh Yes....

Call me nuts, but I'm going to do it.  I'm going to commit to writing a post a day throughout the month of November.  Go here to find out more about it. 

I'm HOME!  Finally!  I practically FELL off the plane last night and don't quite know how I managed to drive home from the airport.

And I woke up in a panic this morning.  I had no idea which city I was in and just knew that I was running late.  It took me ages to realise that I was finally safe and snug in my own soft bed with my own divine boys within shouting distance ** evil mummy grin **

I've been keeping in touch with "her" while I was away, and I'm hopeful that there has been a slight improvement in her condition.  Keep everything crossed, please!

There will be couple of photos of Brisbane and Adelaide, when I've unpacked and sorted everything.  In the meantime.... IT'S GOOD TO BE HOME!