I’ve spent all day searching for old diaries. DH lied through his teeth about times that he’s had the kids, and I need them to find all my diary notes about dates and times. And I can’t find them. It’s incredible. I’ve literally spent 5 hours searching every drawer, every shelf, under every bed, through every bookcase, even in clothing drawers.
Now I’m the first to admit that my office is totally disorganised, but my search was so thorough that I’m convinced they aren’t in my flat. But where else would they be?
You can see the state of my mind. I’m trying desperately to focus on action, and being thwarted constantly. When I’m still, I cry.
I have, however, calculated the total outstanding amount of unpaid child support and spousal maintenance owed to me over the past 10 years. $327,342.86. And that doesn’t include any of the extra things that he was supposed to pay (school costs, uniforms, dental, health insurance etc). Oh, and it doesn’t include any child support for Boo (as he was born a week after the orders were made).
I don’t expect to get all of it, but I’m hoping it goes towards showing his attitude to parenting, and that perhaps I will get some of it (or at the very least have HIM pay my legal costs).
Oh, I’ve also found out that I will not only have to pay for my own lawyer, but also for separate lawyers for the boys if they want to have their say (which they do).
The next thing that I have to do is write an affidavit about DH’s behaviour towards the boys and his unwillingness to have them over the past 10 years. I can’t start that. Something in my mind snaps and I can’t think clearly.
They boys are now both ill. Very ill. Listless, cranky, coughing, feverish. I can feel it beginning with me too. I’m sure it will hit me when I stop my manic searching.
“She” is in a terrible condition. She has, understandably, lost all hope. I can’t help her at all. I need to stay away. For both our sakes. Still, she calls me .... asking for reassurance and advice. I give it to her, but I know I’m lying. And I’m terrified that she can hear that in my voice.
Saturday, November 22, 2008
Friday, November 21, 2008
I don’t know how or what to write today, but I’m damned if I fail NaBloPoMo after all the effort I’ve put into it.
I feel like a chicken who has had it’s head chopped off and is still running around in circles. I think I’m reacting so badly to this because of the experience I had the first time DH took me to Family Court. It was incredibly bad. And it was 7 days before Boo’s birth.
My depression has come back full swing. I feel totally overwhelmed and unable to focus clearly. I am thinking in terms of all or nothing. I’m feeling incapable of taking this battle on.
Writing that last paragraph down has helped me. I can see that I won’t feel this way forever. I’ll get through this.
Thank you Guera for the list of lawyers. You’re a god-send. And thank you Kim for a lawyers’ name as well. I’m waiting for them all to get back to me.
The boys were meant to go away with DH this weekend but Toto is ill. Really ill with flu-like symptoms, fever and a terrible cough. I took him to the doctor today and he was prescribed complete bed-rest and quiet. Oh, and he’s highly contagious so we’ll all get it.
This means that he can’t go away this weekend. And Boo is refusing to go without him. Of course DH thinks that this is ME reacting to his litigiousness and is furious. He has said that he doesn't believe me and will go and speak to the doctor himself.
It’s actually more to do with sick kids wanting their Mum. Something which DH has encouraged over the years by always bringing them “home” to me whenever they were sick.
You know the one thing above all others that is killing me right now? I told DH on the phone (just before he hung up on me, telling me that he will not be speaking to me without his lawyer) that this is not about ME fighting him, but about HIM fighting the wishes of the boys. I begged him not to do this because the boys DO NOT want to spend every second week with him. I told him that if they did, I would agree to it. He said “They’ll just have to get used to it”.
What an uncaring, unfeeling cretin.
Oh, and in an awful awful awful awful twist, “she” is back in hospital. The universe is just not aligning for us at the moment. And I feel that I have nothing left in me to help her at the moment. But of course I can’t explain that to her, or tell her about this situation with DH. So, we’ll see ...
On a more heart-warming note..... this is Toto's painting that came home from school the other day...
I feel like a chicken who has had it’s head chopped off and is still running around in circles. I think I’m reacting so badly to this because of the experience I had the first time DH took me to Family Court. It was incredibly bad. And it was 7 days before Boo’s birth.
My depression has come back full swing. I feel totally overwhelmed and unable to focus clearly. I am thinking in terms of all or nothing. I’m feeling incapable of taking this battle on.
Writing that last paragraph down has helped me. I can see that I won’t feel this way forever. I’ll get through this.
Thank you Guera for the list of lawyers. You’re a god-send. And thank you Kim for a lawyers’ name as well. I’m waiting for them all to get back to me.
The boys were meant to go away with DH this weekend but Toto is ill. Really ill with flu-like symptoms, fever and a terrible cough. I took him to the doctor today and he was prescribed complete bed-rest and quiet. Oh, and he’s highly contagious so we’ll all get it.
This means that he can’t go away this weekend. And Boo is refusing to go without him. Of course DH thinks that this is ME reacting to his litigiousness and is furious. He has said that he doesn't believe me and will go and speak to the doctor himself.
It’s actually more to do with sick kids wanting their Mum. Something which DH has encouraged over the years by always bringing them “home” to me whenever they were sick.
You know the one thing above all others that is killing me right now? I told DH on the phone (just before he hung up on me, telling me that he will not be speaking to me without his lawyer) that this is not about ME fighting him, but about HIM fighting the wishes of the boys. I begged him not to do this because the boys DO NOT want to spend every second week with him. I told him that if they did, I would agree to it. He said “They’ll just have to get used to it”.
What an uncaring, unfeeling cretin.
Oh, and in an awful awful awful awful twist, “she” is back in hospital. The universe is just not aligning for us at the moment. And I feel that I have nothing left in me to help her at the moment. But of course I can’t explain that to her, or tell her about this situation with DH. So, we’ll see ...
On a more heart-warming note..... this is Toto's painting that came home from school the other day...
Thursday, November 20, 2008
Project SPOS update....
I just got served with family court papers. With a hearing date which falls during our annual beach holiday. It's full of lies and ridiculous accusations.
It claims to be about parenting issues, but if it truly was, would paragraph 15 read "That the wife pay the husband's costs of this application"?????? When the husband owes the wife over $200,000 in unpaid monies on an existing Final Orders? When the wife has not once not complied with those existing orders?
There is steam coming out of my ears. My kids are supposed to be going away with him this weekend and neither of them wants to go. I had to ask them if they would be okay with living with him every second week and both still adamantly said no. I had to explain that he was taking me to court to try and get that, and that if they really didn't want to, I would fight it. But that if they wanted to, I would agree with it. They both adamantly said no. And then told me things that made my blood boil. Things that they haven't told me before because they thought I'd get angry and tell him that they told me and then he would be angry with them. Things that make me want to fight to get him out of their lives forever.
I don't know how, but I calmed myself with them and they were okay by the time they went to bed.
I'm anything but calm.
I'm so angry. And furious with bloody John Howard who put the Child Support and Family Court changes into law. DH is only doing this so that he has no forward Child Support responsibilities. His behaviour over the last 10 years has shown that he has only ever seen the boys when it suits him and has certainly never wanted more access than he has been given. And his current behaviour, according to things that the boys have now told me, demonstrates his unhappiness when he is with them.
Somebody pass me a cigarette. Please.
It claims to be about parenting issues, but if it truly was, would paragraph 15 read "That the wife pay the husband's costs of this application"?????? When the husband owes the wife over $200,000 in unpaid monies on an existing Final Orders? When the wife has not once not complied with those existing orders?
There is steam coming out of my ears. My kids are supposed to be going away with him this weekend and neither of them wants to go. I had to ask them if they would be okay with living with him every second week and both still adamantly said no. I had to explain that he was taking me to court to try and get that, and that if they really didn't want to, I would fight it. But that if they wanted to, I would agree with it. They both adamantly said no. And then told me things that made my blood boil. Things that they haven't told me before because they thought I'd get angry and tell him that they told me and then he would be angry with them. Things that make me want to fight to get him out of their lives forever.
I don't know how, but I calmed myself with them and they were okay by the time they went to bed.
I'm anything but calm.
I'm so angry. And furious with bloody John Howard who put the Child Support and Family Court changes into law. DH is only doing this so that he has no forward Child Support responsibilities. His behaviour over the last 10 years has shown that he has only ever seen the boys when it suits him and has certainly never wanted more access than he has been given. And his current behaviour, according to things that the boys have now told me, demonstrates his unhappiness when he is with them.
Somebody pass me a cigarette. Please.
Betrayal.....
I did something yesterday that I don’t often do. I watched Oprah. And it was about a mother who contracted a flesh-eating virus whilst undergoing a caesarian section, which resulted in the removal of many of her organs, and both her arms and both her legs.
At many times during her many surgeries and long recovery, the doctors did not expect her to survive. But she did. And she says that she did because she simply wanted to get home to her children.
She was engaged to the father of her second baby when all of this happened, and he married her while she was still in the hospital. They were both on the show.
As was Jenny McCarthy.. an American actress and mother of an autistic boy who has recently partnered with Jim Carrey. The show was very focussed on the amazing support of these men and the devotion and understanding that they showed to their partners under very difficult circumstances.
I cried and cried.
And I thought of myself and of Guera and of all of us who have been physically and/or emotionally abandoned by our life-partners and who struggle with parenting and self-esteem as a result.
I know it’s heavily edited television-land stuff. But the premise was real. There ARE wonderful people out there who will love and support unconditionally. And, if we want one, there will be one there for us. It just seems so unfair that we didn’t choose one of those the first time around.
I’m so sure that I don’t want to take the risk of partnering up again. I really am. But this show got to the deeper part of me that DOES miss being loved unconditionally by an adult male. And who is deeply deeply sad at having been abandoned by one that she deeply deeply loved.
That’s it. No more Oprah for me.
In all honesty, I think my emotion has come from having to sit with DH at Toto’s school “do” the other night. I don’t often see him, and right now I’m so effing angry with him because of all this legal stuff that I’m highly emotional about it. I think he looks like an ape and I have no desire for him, but I get incredibly sad about the fact that this man is the father of my children and ten years after walking out on us he still treats me so awfully. The “how could he do this to me?” stuff re-emerges. Closely entwined with the “how could I have chosen that man to be the father of my children?” stuff.
I guess the feeling of betrayal never really goes away.
DH and me on a camel safari in India in 1993
At many times during her many surgeries and long recovery, the doctors did not expect her to survive. But she did. And she says that she did because she simply wanted to get home to her children.
She was engaged to the father of her second baby when all of this happened, and he married her while she was still in the hospital. They were both on the show.
As was Jenny McCarthy.. an American actress and mother of an autistic boy who has recently partnered with Jim Carrey. The show was very focussed on the amazing support of these men and the devotion and understanding that they showed to their partners under very difficult circumstances.
I cried and cried.
And I thought of myself and of Guera and of all of us who have been physically and/or emotionally abandoned by our life-partners and who struggle with parenting and self-esteem as a result.
I know it’s heavily edited television-land stuff. But the premise was real. There ARE wonderful people out there who will love and support unconditionally. And, if we want one, there will be one there for us. It just seems so unfair that we didn’t choose one of those the first time around.
I’m so sure that I don’t want to take the risk of partnering up again. I really am. But this show got to the deeper part of me that DOES miss being loved unconditionally by an adult male. And who is deeply deeply sad at having been abandoned by one that she deeply deeply loved.
That’s it. No more Oprah for me.
In all honesty, I think my emotion has come from having to sit with DH at Toto’s school “do” the other night. I don’t often see him, and right now I’m so effing angry with him because of all this legal stuff that I’m highly emotional about it. I think he looks like an ape and I have no desire for him, but I get incredibly sad about the fact that this man is the father of my children and ten years after walking out on us he still treats me so awfully. The “how could he do this to me?” stuff re-emerges. Closely entwined with the “how could I have chosen that man to be the father of my children?” stuff.
I guess the feeling of betrayal never really goes away.
DH and me on a camel safari in India in 1993Wednesday, November 19, 2008
Bloggy Love....
I received an award today! The wonderful Lani from Me & Boo gave me one.... which prompted me to realise that she also gave me one back in October. One which I instantly forgot about and didn’t acknowledge. I’m so sorry Lani. I can only guess that I was a bit stressed at the time.
So today I’m acknowledging the first one....
.. This one has a questionnaire attached. So, here goes....
1. Have you had the same friends since childhood?
No. I lived outside Australia for too long in the years prior to email and lost contact with most of them. When I came home I found that we didn’t seem to have much in common and so I didn’t put the effort required into re-kindling the friendships. That shortsightedness on my behalf saddens me now.
I do, however, have friends from my late teens and early twenties. And I have kept pretty much every friend that I made when I lived overseas.
2. What do you value most about your friends?
Honesty. Trust. Kindness. Acceptance. Laughter. Our differences.
3. Are your friends your sounding boards?
Not all of the time. I’m actually mostly pretty uncomfortable when it comes to talking about myself in the real world. I think that’s why I’ve taken to the blogging world so eagerly.
4. What is your favorite activity to share with your friends?
Fun stuff. That includes, but is not limited to, indoor games, outdoor activities, sharing meals, holidays, e-mails. I’m not good at talking on the telephone. Oh, and I’d rather eat live maggots than go shopping with a friend. (What a cheerful girl I am today!)
Now... I am supposed to award this to four friends, but I’m going to give it to every one of my readers who is doing NaBloPoMo. We need all the help we can get!!
I’m saving the other award for another NaBloPoMo struggle-day.
PS. She’s home. A bit wobbly, but so-far so-good. Thanks for all support and good wishes. I know they all help.
PPS. Thank you Lani for all the bloggy-love!
So today I’m acknowledging the first one....
.. This one has a questionnaire attached. So, here goes....
1. Have you had the same friends since childhood?
No. I lived outside Australia for too long in the years prior to email and lost contact with most of them. When I came home I found that we didn’t seem to have much in common and so I didn’t put the effort required into re-kindling the friendships. That shortsightedness on my behalf saddens me now.
I do, however, have friends from my late teens and early twenties. And I have kept pretty much every friend that I made when I lived overseas.
2. What do you value most about your friends?
Honesty. Trust. Kindness. Acceptance. Laughter. Our differences.
3. Are your friends your sounding boards?
Not all of the time. I’m actually mostly pretty uncomfortable when it comes to talking about myself in the real world. I think that’s why I’ve taken to the blogging world so eagerly.
4. What is your favorite activity to share with your friends?
Fun stuff. That includes, but is not limited to, indoor games, outdoor activities, sharing meals, holidays, e-mails. I’m not good at talking on the telephone. Oh, and I’d rather eat live maggots than go shopping with a friend. (What a cheerful girl I am today!)
Now... I am supposed to award this to four friends, but I’m going to give it to every one of my readers who is doing NaBloPoMo. We need all the help we can get!!
I’m saving the other award for another NaBloPoMo struggle-day.
PS. She’s home. A bit wobbly, but so-far so-good. Thanks for all support and good wishes. I know they all help.
PPS. Thank you Lani for all the bloggy-love!
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
Welcome to the next 6 years of his life.....
Tonight was the Welcome evening for the Class of 2014 at the school that Toto will be attending next year.
It is a beautiful small Cathedral school in the centre of the city (read the story of Toto’s interview and acceptance here) and every time I visit I love it more and more.
The emphasis is always firmly placed upon the well-being and happiness of the boys, whilst quietly giving examples of academic, sporting and musical excellence as almost an afterthought. This approach to raising the men of tomorrow suits me well.
He will be the only boy in the entire school to come from the north side of our harbour (a big dividing line in our city) and one of just a handful of boys who won't be beginning his high-school career with friends from his primary school. The boys come from over 200 different suburbs, and because the school is literally right in the heart of Sydney, many of them travel long distances. The school has a tradition of having Year 12 boys accompany the Year 7 boys on public transport all the way home for the first week or so. They won’t be able to do this for Toto as there are no Year 12 boys going in his direction. They have offered to have a teacher accompany him, but I have decided that I will be the one to do that for his first week. Maybe for his second week as well.
Oh hell. Do you think I could do it for the first year?
I am finding this all very emotional. My baby boy is going to be in high school, and travelling into the city everyday by himself. I myself went to school in the city and I remember loving the independence that the travel allowed me. But somehow Toto just doesn’t seem as savvy as I was at his age.
Or am I just having trouble letting go?
Toto in Pre-School
It is a beautiful small Cathedral school in the centre of the city (read the story of Toto’s interview and acceptance here) and every time I visit I love it more and more.
The emphasis is always firmly placed upon the well-being and happiness of the boys, whilst quietly giving examples of academic, sporting and musical excellence as almost an afterthought. This approach to raising the men of tomorrow suits me well.
He will be the only boy in the entire school to come from the north side of our harbour (a big dividing line in our city) and one of just a handful of boys who won't be beginning his high-school career with friends from his primary school. The boys come from over 200 different suburbs, and because the school is literally right in the heart of Sydney, many of them travel long distances. The school has a tradition of having Year 12 boys accompany the Year 7 boys on public transport all the way home for the first week or so. They won’t be able to do this for Toto as there are no Year 12 boys going in his direction. They have offered to have a teacher accompany him, but I have decided that I will be the one to do that for his first week. Maybe for his second week as well.
Oh hell. Do you think I could do it for the first year?
I am finding this all very emotional. My baby boy is going to be in high school, and travelling into the city everyday by himself. I myself went to school in the city and I remember loving the independence that the travel allowed me. But somehow Toto just doesn’t seem as savvy as I was at his age.
Or am I just having trouble letting go?
Toto in Pre-School2001
Monday, November 17, 2008
Cross everything.....
Things have been so great with "her". She is due to be discharged tomorrow, and so I went to visit her for a last "hoorah in the hospital".
And she received a phone call.
The kind of phone call that would send you spinning even if you were the healthiest, strongest person on the planet.
Her daughters' school telephoned. To tell her that her daughter threw her lunch out today, and refused to eat in front of the school counsellor.
Yes, her daughter has been required to eat her lunch in front of the school counsellor every day for the last month or so.
Because she has the beginnings of an eating disorder.
"Her" husband has taken their daughter to the doctor about it, after receiving a phone call from the school saying that teachers and pupils were concerned with her non-eating and weight-loss.
Today's phone call was an accident. The school was meant to discuss this only with her husband, and really messed up by calling her.
And she is in a spin. She is so close to the edge. Thank God I was there when she got the call.
Her husband and daughter came in to the hospital this evening to talk to her and her doctor, and nothing much was said.
I feel pleased that her daughter has been "found out" this early in her journey, and am confident that she will get the support and help that she needs to get through this before it becomes a major illness. I also think that this is a big cry for help from a 13 year old girl whose Mum has been so very ill and absent for such a long time. I feel that as "she" gets stronger, her daughter will also feel less out-of-control.
I am, however, extremely concerned about the impact of this news upon "her". The timing simply couldn't have been worse.
Please keep her in your thoughts.
And she received a phone call.
The kind of phone call that would send you spinning even if you were the healthiest, strongest person on the planet.
Her daughters' school telephoned. To tell her that her daughter threw her lunch out today, and refused to eat in front of the school counsellor.
Yes, her daughter has been required to eat her lunch in front of the school counsellor every day for the last month or so.
Because she has the beginnings of an eating disorder.
"Her" husband has taken their daughter to the doctor about it, after receiving a phone call from the school saying that teachers and pupils were concerned with her non-eating and weight-loss.
Today's phone call was an accident. The school was meant to discuss this only with her husband, and really messed up by calling her.
And she is in a spin. She is so close to the edge. Thank God I was there when she got the call.
Her husband and daughter came in to the hospital this evening to talk to her and her doctor, and nothing much was said.
I feel pleased that her daughter has been "found out" this early in her journey, and am confident that she will get the support and help that she needs to get through this before it becomes a major illness. I also think that this is a big cry for help from a 13 year old girl whose Mum has been so very ill and absent for such a long time. I feel that as "she" gets stronger, her daughter will also feel less out-of-control.
I am, however, extremely concerned about the impact of this news upon "her". The timing simply couldn't have been worse.
Please keep her in your thoughts.
Sunday, November 16, 2008
Saturday, November 15, 2008
Yesterday's Childhood...
Do you remember riding your bike along the streets of your suburb and hanging out with your friends until you heard your mother ringing the bell that signaled dinnertime?
Do you remember taking your 20 cents pocket money to the milk-bar and buying peppermint creams, paddle-pops or redskins and feeling like the richest kid in the world?
Do you remember walking to your friends’ house and knocking on the door to ask their parents if they could come out to play?
Do you remember putting your roller-skates, terry-toweling wristbands and shorts and knitted legwarmers on and roller-dancing to ABBA and/or Olivia Newton-John songs?
Do you remember listening to 2SM’s Father Jim’s talkback radio on Sunday nights when you were supposed to be sleeping?
Do you remember when a take-away meal was a “The Lot” hamburger (with egg and beetroot) from the above-mentioned local milk-bar?
Do you remember when the whole family sat in front of the one and only telly on Sunday nights to watch “Countdown” and then “Bill Collins’ Golden Years of Hollywood” or “Walt Disney”?
(I know the above list is VERY Australian, but I’m sure you can all get the gist)
I wonder what our kids will remember...
Mine can’t ride their bikes along our streets.... way too many cars.
Mine can’t buy their favourite things with their $5 pocket money as DS games cost about $80 a pop.
Mine can’t have a play-date without pre-planning and parental phone calls and checks.
Mine would dress up and roller-blade an avatar on a video game, but wouldn’t be caught dead doing it in real life.
Mine listen to tunes on their iPod after lights out.
Mine are torn for choice on our rare take-away dinners. But wouldn’t be interested in anything as healthy as a “The Lot” hamburger.
Mine disagree about what programmes to watch as a family and therefore would rather watch a DVD in their own bedroom.
I wonder what their kids will remember....
Do you remember taking your 20 cents pocket money to the milk-bar and buying peppermint creams, paddle-pops or redskins and feeling like the richest kid in the world?
Do you remember walking to your friends’ house and knocking on the door to ask their parents if they could come out to play?
Do you remember putting your roller-skates, terry-toweling wristbands and shorts and knitted legwarmers on and roller-dancing to ABBA and/or Olivia Newton-John songs?
Do you remember listening to 2SM’s Father Jim’s talkback radio on Sunday nights when you were supposed to be sleeping?
Do you remember when a take-away meal was a “The Lot” hamburger (with egg and beetroot) from the above-mentioned local milk-bar?
Do you remember when the whole family sat in front of the one and only telly on Sunday nights to watch “Countdown” and then “Bill Collins’ Golden Years of Hollywood” or “Walt Disney”?
(I know the above list is VERY Australian, but I’m sure you can all get the gist)
I wonder what our kids will remember...
Mine can’t ride their bikes along our streets.... way too many cars.
Mine can’t buy their favourite things with their $5 pocket money as DS games cost about $80 a pop.
Mine can’t have a play-date without pre-planning and parental phone calls and checks.
Mine would dress up and roller-blade an avatar on a video game, but wouldn’t be caught dead doing it in real life.
Mine listen to tunes on their iPod after lights out.
Mine are torn for choice on our rare take-away dinners. But wouldn’t be interested in anything as healthy as a “The Lot” hamburger.
Mine disagree about what programmes to watch as a family and therefore would rather watch a DVD in their own bedroom.
I wonder what their kids will remember....
Friday, November 14, 2008
Sixth & Sixth...
A few days ago, the wonderful Guera from A Roaming Aussie Mum tagged me for a photo meme.
The idea is that you go to your Flickr account (or equivalent) and find the sixth photo on the sixth page. And then (as Guera did) you go to your photo folders on your own computer and find the sixth photo in the sixth folder.
So, here goes...
The sixth photo on the sixth page of my Flickr account is this one, of Boo in our local Chinese restaurant...
... and the sixth photo in the sixth folder in my Pictures directory on my computer is this one of me trying to hide behind my hair ...
And now, of course, I'm going to tag six people!
Fairlie at Around the Traps and Before Our Time
Lara at DiscoKnitter
Ali at Callapipper Tree
Tracey at Just Another Mommy Blog (thankyou for being my shiny-newest-commenter!)
Le at Third On The Right
Shirley at Rhubarbwhine
.... for being the most recent people to give me blog-love!
The idea is that you go to your Flickr account (or equivalent) and find the sixth photo on the sixth page. And then (as Guera did) you go to your photo folders on your own computer and find the sixth photo in the sixth folder.
So, here goes...
The sixth photo on the sixth page of my Flickr account is this one, of Boo in our local Chinese restaurant...
... and the sixth photo in the sixth folder in my Pictures directory on my computer is this one of me trying to hide behind my hair ...
And now, of course, I'm going to tag six people!Fairlie at Around the Traps and Before Our Time
Lara at DiscoKnitter
Ali at Callapipper Tree
Tracey at Just Another Mommy Blog (thankyou for being my shiny-newest-commenter!)
Le at Third On The Right
Shirley at Rhubarbwhine
.... for being the most recent people to give me blog-love!
Thursday, November 13, 2008
I had a whole 'nother post planned for today....
(see? I am finally beginning to think ahead!)
.... but I needed to share with you the 9 (8.5?) most precious words in the English language....
Her: "Hi Fe. I think I've turned a corner!"
.... and by tone and content, she most certainly has! The ensuing conversation went something along the lines of ..
Fe: "Holy &*^%! That's wonderful!"
Her: "There's no need to swear about it!"
She sounds SO much better. And she FEELS so much better. And although there may still be some more dancing before we're outta there, I am just jumping with joy because this feels like the first time that I have had a conversation with the REAL her since before she was hospitalised.
Oh man! Today's a GOOD day!
.... but I needed to share with you the 9 (8.5?) most precious words in the English language....
Her: "Hi Fe. I think I've turned a corner!"
.... and by tone and content, she most certainly has! The ensuing conversation went something along the lines of ..
Fe: "Holy &*^%! That's wonderful!"
Her: "There's no need to swear about it!"
She sounds SO much better. And she FEELS so much better. And although there may still be some more dancing before we're outta there, I am just jumping with joy because this feels like the first time that I have had a conversation with the REAL her since before she was hospitalised.
Oh man! Today's a GOOD day!
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
When I was a little girl...
I wanted to be happy. I didn’t want to be a doctor, lawyer, nurse, mummy or anything specific. Just happy.
When I was in my early twenties...
I wanted to NOT have my own children and therefore add to the over-population of the world. I wanted to focus on my career, continue to spend my life living in countries other than Australia, contribute to help make the world a better place, find a kind and funny partner to love and then possibly adopt an unwanted child from a third-world country.
When I was in my late twenties....
I wanted to make my marriage the best marriage that had ever existed. I wanted to have babies and continue contributing my skills to those less fortunate than me. I felt blessed and almost guilty for being so happy.
When I was in my early thirties....
I desperately wanted to fall pregnant. I suffered miscarriage after miscarriage and felt that I had failed at the one thing that I was supposed to be able to do easily.
I wanted to fulfill my husband’s greatest wish as well. He SO wanted to be a father, and my failure to do that easily (yes, medical tests proved that it was all my fault, not his) became a fissure in our relationship.
When I was in my early to mid-thirties....
I wanted to die. I had failed at everything. I failed at being a wife. I was a hopeless mother. I was unable to work. I was convinced that I had had my run of happiness early on, and had nothing but sadness and difficulty in my future. And then...
I thought I was going to die. My cancer diagnosis threw me into a dread that I would leave my boys when they were too young to remember me at all. I wanted to shake their father into changing his priorities and becoming more involved in his sons’ lives. I wanted to live.
When I was in my late thirties....
I wanted my boys to know happiness. And I created a world for them which I hoped would allow them to develop self-esteem and confidence and a knowledge that they are loved. But I was very sad.
Now I am in my early forties.....
I want to be happy. Truly, deeply content. Without concern for the actions of their father. Without a stinging sense of injustice for the experiences I have had with him, with family court, with child support. Without a partner. Without depending on having financial security, but hopefully with a career that can support us without ongoing financial stress..
I want my boys to know that they are enough.
When I was in my early twenties...
I wanted to NOT have my own children and therefore add to the over-population of the world. I wanted to focus on my career, continue to spend my life living in countries other than Australia, contribute to help make the world a better place, find a kind and funny partner to love and then possibly adopt an unwanted child from a third-world country.
When I was in my late twenties....
I wanted to make my marriage the best marriage that had ever existed. I wanted to have babies and continue contributing my skills to those less fortunate than me. I felt blessed and almost guilty for being so happy.
When I was in my early thirties....
I desperately wanted to fall pregnant. I suffered miscarriage after miscarriage and felt that I had failed at the one thing that I was supposed to be able to do easily.
I wanted to fulfill my husband’s greatest wish as well. He SO wanted to be a father, and my failure to do that easily (yes, medical tests proved that it was all my fault, not his) became a fissure in our relationship.
When I was in my early to mid-thirties....
I wanted to die. I had failed at everything. I failed at being a wife. I was a hopeless mother. I was unable to work. I was convinced that I had had my run of happiness early on, and had nothing but sadness and difficulty in my future. And then...
I thought I was going to die. My cancer diagnosis threw me into a dread that I would leave my boys when they were too young to remember me at all. I wanted to shake their father into changing his priorities and becoming more involved in his sons’ lives. I wanted to live.
When I was in my late thirties....
I wanted my boys to know happiness. And I created a world for them which I hoped would allow them to develop self-esteem and confidence and a knowledge that they are loved. But I was very sad.
Now I am in my early forties.....
I want to be happy. Truly, deeply content. Without concern for the actions of their father. Without a stinging sense of injustice for the experiences I have had with him, with family court, with child support. Without a partner. Without depending on having financial security, but hopefully with a career that can support us without ongoing financial stress..
I want my boys to know that they are enough.
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
In the nick of time....
I forgot. Yep, that's right. I almost forgot to blog today..... which would have meant that I had "failed" the NoBloPoMo task.
"She" is talking a lot about failing right now. Her doctors are talking with her about when she can go home, and the reality of that has sent her spinning into "magical thinking". In other words.... if THIS happens, I'll be okay. But if THAT happens, I'll have to kill myself. "And it will be okay because you will look after my children."
So I had to dob her in again. Geez I hate doing that. But I feel no guilt. Just sadness.
She IS getting better. But it's so slow, and it's such a dance (one step forwards, two steps backwards) that it's hard to see it as progress.
"She" is talking a lot about failing right now. Her doctors are talking with her about when she can go home, and the reality of that has sent her spinning into "magical thinking". In other words.... if THIS happens, I'll be okay. But if THAT happens, I'll have to kill myself. "And it will be okay because you will look after my children."
So I had to dob her in again. Geez I hate doing that. But I feel no guilt. Just sadness.
She IS getting better. But it's so slow, and it's such a dance (one step forwards, two steps backwards) that it's hard to see it as progress.
Monday, November 10, 2008
Sometimes words ARE enough...
It was a really lovely birthday. Great friends, family, food and laughter...
and then I came home to home-made cards from my boys. Toto's was full of wonderful drawings and "I love you Mummy" and Boo's said "Happy Birthday. For 43 years the lovelyest (sic) woman on earth has lived." Awwwwwww....
Honestly. Makes up for every sleepless parenting night.
Thanks to all of you too, for all the lovely birthday wishes. You're the best!
and then I came home to home-made cards from my boys. Toto's was full of wonderful drawings and "I love you Mummy" and Boo's said "Happy Birthday. For 43 years the lovelyest (sic) woman on earth has lived." Awwwwwww....
Honestly. Makes up for every sleepless parenting night.
Thanks to all of you too, for all the lovely birthday wishes. You're the best!
Sunday, November 9, 2008
Saturday, November 8, 2008
Nothing Doing...
or Doing Nothing....
It's a kid-free day. My boys are with DH which means a Saturday without cricket. Without Uno. Without laughter and squabbles.
It's a hollow day.
But not a sad one.
My parents and I are going to the Sydney Theatre Company this afternoon to see "The Pig Iron People". Should be good.
And then tonight is a Bollywood-themed girls-night-in with my friend J and some of her friends. J shares my birthday tomorrow, so we're going to quietly celebrate early this year.
"Nothing Doing" could also be about my birthday. For the last couple of years I've held a party at the pub across the road, but I'm just not up for it this year. Next year I'll double my efforts and share the joy. Promise. This year just doesn't feel like much of a celebration. Especially without "her". Her birthday is the week after mine, and it feels wrong to do any celebrating while she's still so ill.
*sigh*
So, this is another NaBloPoMo post. A post for the sake of a post.
Sorry 'bout that.
It's a kid-free day. My boys are with DH which means a Saturday without cricket. Without Uno. Without laughter and squabbles.
It's a hollow day.
But not a sad one.
My parents and I are going to the Sydney Theatre Company this afternoon to see "The Pig Iron People". Should be good.
And then tonight is a Bollywood-themed girls-night-in with my friend J and some of her friends. J shares my birthday tomorrow, so we're going to quietly celebrate early this year.
"Nothing Doing" could also be about my birthday. For the last couple of years I've held a party at the pub across the road, but I'm just not up for it this year. Next year I'll double my efforts and share the joy. Promise. This year just doesn't feel like much of a celebration. Especially without "her". Her birthday is the week after mine, and it feels wrong to do any celebrating while she's still so ill.
*sigh*
So, this is another NaBloPoMo post. A post for the sake of a post.
Sorry 'bout that.
Friday, November 7, 2008
Chocolates..
We had some visitors the other day. Lara and Inigo (from here) dropped by for some boy-adoration time. Awwww..
Toto was away, and so Inigo had Boo all to himself. I love the way my boys enjoy spending time with littler kidlets.
Awww.......
There was SO much laughter!
..and then Boo decided that the world was way "cooler" when seen from an inverse position. Can't say I disagree with him. (Probably because he could see - without all that hair in his eyes!)
This is an unusually early-morning shot of our view to the north. I say "unusually" because it's not like me to be awake before 6am, let-alone UP. Toto needed to be at school for a 6am excursion departure the other day, and so I made the most of it.
Do you ever have times when all you seem to do is cry? I tear-up over everything (and no, I'm not pre-menstrual). I had a run-in with my telephone provider today... and cried for an hour over it. Crazy. I mean, not literally (I hope). And I'm feeling very overwhelmed about the legal stuff with DH and "her" and everything else on my plate.
I guess I just need to cry it out. I feel as though I'm being very tough on myself for even talking about it here (feels kinda vulnerable) and that this should prompt me to "pull it together". I would never be that tough on anyone else.
*sigh*
Life. Is like a box of chocolates..... (thanks Forrest Gump for that clinker)
Toto was away, and so Inigo had Boo all to himself. I love the way my boys enjoy spending time with littler kidlets.
Awww.......
There was SO much laughter!
..and then Boo decided that the world was way "cooler" when seen from an inverse position. Can't say I disagree with him. (Probably because he could see - without all that hair in his eyes!)
This is an unusually early-morning shot of our view to the north. I say "unusually" because it's not like me to be awake before 6am, let-alone UP. Toto needed to be at school for a 6am excursion departure the other day, and so I made the most of it.
Do you ever have times when all you seem to do is cry? I tear-up over everything (and no, I'm not pre-menstrual). I had a run-in with my telephone provider today... and cried for an hour over it. Crazy. I mean, not literally (I hope). And I'm feeling very overwhelmed about the legal stuff with DH and "her" and everything else on my plate.
I guess I just need to cry it out. I feel as though I'm being very tough on myself for even talking about it here (feels kinda vulnerable) and that this should prompt me to "pull it together". I would never be that tough on anyone else.
*sigh*
Life. Is like a box of chocolates..... (thanks Forrest Gump for that clinker)
Thursday, November 6, 2008
Topic! HERE topic! ....
Actually, I've got a few things to write about, but nothing coherent enough (or interesting enough) to warrant it's own post really.
She is not better, but is less anxious. I hope it's considered an improvement, because it is horribly frightening from where I sit. Each visit feels more and more as though I'm visiting an aged rellie with dementia. I know that her dementia-like-symptoms will disappear eventually, but man it's not fun right now.
Toto has gone away with his class for a 2 day excursion to our nations' capital. Which means that Boo is clingy and asleep in my bed (ugh - no sleep for me tonight).
And I'm hugely disappointed that the majority of Californian's voted Yes to Prop 8 and thereby ruled against same-sex marriage. On the same day that we're all celebrating a more liberal and life-experienced, less patriachal-rich-white-man president-elect. Sad sad sad.
I know lots of others have mentioned this in their blogs today (and I ripped my link straight from Lara's blog - thanks La!) but it's upset me so much that I thought it was worth a mention here.
I'm not judging though. We don't have it here yet folks. I would like to think, however, that if a referendum were held tomorrow, it would get passed.
I'd also like to think that I could still pull George Clooney.
She is not better, but is less anxious. I hope it's considered an improvement, because it is horribly frightening from where I sit. Each visit feels more and more as though I'm visiting an aged rellie with dementia. I know that her dementia-like-symptoms will disappear eventually, but man it's not fun right now.
Toto has gone away with his class for a 2 day excursion to our nations' capital. Which means that Boo is clingy and asleep in my bed (ugh - no sleep for me tonight).
And I'm hugely disappointed that the majority of Californian's voted Yes to Prop 8 and thereby ruled against same-sex marriage. On the same day that we're all celebrating a more liberal and life-experienced, less patriachal-rich-white-man president-elect. Sad sad sad.
I know lots of others have mentioned this in their blogs today (and I ripped my link straight from Lara's blog - thanks La!) but it's upset me so much that I thought it was worth a mention here.
I'm not judging though. We don't have it here yet folks. I would like to think, however, that if a referendum were held tomorrow, it would get passed.
I'd also like to think that I could still pull George Clooney.
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
This is the first time I've been glued to an American Election....
.... and I've found it fascinating.
I'm thrilled with the (almost announced) outcome.
Well done, my American friends. The world will embrace you for rejecting a party of warmongers and women-haters (and before you comment .... Sarah Palin is the most token woman I have ever seen in my life). And, if Obama follows through with his promises and ends the war in Iraq, I will lift my embargo upon all things made in America (which I've had since the war began) (and which had to exclude all things Mac. Sorry.) I'll also leave the airport next time I have a stop-over in your country (and will not make my lovely American friends travel to said airport to hang out with me).
Oh, and if my share portfolio happens to recover slightly due to world confidence in your new Democratic President, I will do a Big Happy Dance. On YouTube. Promise.
I'm thrilled with the (almost announced) outcome.
Well done, my American friends. The world will embrace you for rejecting a party of warmongers and women-haters (and before you comment .... Sarah Palin is the most token woman I have ever seen in my life). And, if Obama follows through with his promises and ends the war in Iraq, I will lift my embargo upon all things made in America (which I've had since the war began) (and which had to exclude all things Mac. Sorry.) I'll also leave the airport next time I have a stop-over in your country (and will not make my lovely American friends travel to said airport to hang out with me).
Oh, and if my share portfolio happens to recover slightly due to world confidence in your new Democratic President, I will do a Big Happy Dance. On YouTube. Promise.
A chance to have your say today....
For all of us "non-Americans" living around the world and watching today's election with baited breath, here is a website to put a spring in your step (or not) today.
If you read the results, you'll see that not one single country (including the US) wants McCain to win. That could be, of course, because it's "done the rounds" of the democratic websites etc.
I, however, received the link from a card carrying Republican.
GO HERE TO VOTE
If you read the results, you'll see that not one single country (including the US) wants McCain to win. That could be, of course, because it's "done the rounds" of the democratic websites etc.
I, however, received the link from a card carrying Republican.
GO HERE TO VOTE
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
I had a crap day....
I know it’s not much of a topic, but I’m not good at choosing topics and then writing about them. I’m more of a “vomit out my worries” “blog as therapy” - type gal.
Hence this post.
I guess I’ve held everything in check lately... “Her”, DH, the legal stuff looming, the big job I just did. And now that the job is over, it’s all caught up with me.
The lawyer that I consulted a few months ago just sent me a whopping bill. He charged me for MORE time than I spent with him, and also charged me nearly $100 for “drafting, preparation and settling 1 letter on your behalf” .... THE BLOODY COSTS AGREEMENT!
I’m SO angry. Too angry to write a reply, yet.
And then my Health Care Fund admitted to overcharging me $3000+ over the last 2.5 years, but won’t agree to refund it to me.
Grrrrrrrrr.
I visited my shrink today, and discussed the major side effect of the drugs that I’m on. Weight gain. It’s really becoming quite obvious to me (and therefore everyone else, I’m sure) just how much weight I have gained since being on these drugs. They are, I must say, doing their job well. But this side-effect is becoming a whole ‘nother problem in itself.
She suggested Gastric Banding. Holy hell.
*gulp*
The bright part of my day was visiting “her”. The improvement is glaringly obvious to me. She still has a LONG way to go, however.
So now all that’s left is to say, to all my American friends, PLEASE VOTE!
Hence this post.
I guess I’ve held everything in check lately... “Her”, DH, the legal stuff looming, the big job I just did. And now that the job is over, it’s all caught up with me.
The lawyer that I consulted a few months ago just sent me a whopping bill. He charged me for MORE time than I spent with him, and also charged me nearly $100 for “drafting, preparation and settling 1 letter on your behalf” .... THE BLOODY COSTS AGREEMENT!
I’m SO angry. Too angry to write a reply, yet.
And then my Health Care Fund admitted to overcharging me $3000+ over the last 2.5 years, but won’t agree to refund it to me.
Grrrrrrrrr.
I visited my shrink today, and discussed the major side effect of the drugs that I’m on. Weight gain. It’s really becoming quite obvious to me (and therefore everyone else, I’m sure) just how much weight I have gained since being on these drugs. They are, I must say, doing their job well. But this side-effect is becoming a whole ‘nother problem in itself.
She suggested Gastric Banding. Holy hell.
*gulp*
The bright part of my day was visiting “her”. The improvement is glaringly obvious to me. She still has a LONG way to go, however.
So now all that’s left is to say, to all my American friends, PLEASE VOTE!
Monday, November 3, 2008
Kahlil Gilbran...
I was looking for a quote from Kahlil Gilbran to put on the card for the Baby Shower that I went to on the weekend, and some of them were just irresistible.
Here:
Your children are not your children. They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself. They came through you but not from you and though they are with you yet they belong not to you.
and here:
Your living is determined not so much by what life brings to you as by the attitude you bring to life; not so much by what happens to you as by the way your mind looks at what happens.
These ones also seemed very poignant at the moment....
Where is the justice of political power if it... marches upon neighboring lands, killing thousands and pillaging the very hills?
Wisdom ceases to be wisdom when it becomes too proud to weep, too grave to laugh, and too selfish to seek other than itself.
That’s enough for today.
Happy Day Three of NaBloPoMo
Here:
Your children are not your children. They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself. They came through you but not from you and though they are with you yet they belong not to you.
and here:
Your living is determined not so much by what life brings to you as by the attitude you bring to life; not so much by what happens to you as by the way your mind looks at what happens.
These ones also seemed very poignant at the moment....
Where is the justice of political power if it... marches upon neighboring lands, killing thousands and pillaging the very hills?
Wisdom ceases to be wisdom when it becomes too proud to weep, too grave to laugh, and too selfish to seek other than itself.
That’s enough for today.
Happy Day Three of NaBloPoMo
Sunday, November 2, 2008
Bris-Vegas and Adelaide....
BRISBANE
This was a whirlwind visit... I literally saw nothing more than the view from the cab (who ripped me off HUGELY) and this view from my hotel room....
ADELAIDE
I have a very soft spot for Adelaide. It was the very first city that I ever worked in outside my own city of Sydney. And I adore wines from the nearby Clare and Eden Valleys.
If it wasn't for NaBloPoMo I would not be blogging today at all.
I have the mother of ALL hangovers. My crazy-wealthy friends celebrated one of their fiftieth birthdays last night. Spectacular! Firedancers and eaters, court jesters, tarot readers, karoake, Cosmopolitans and an endless supply of Moet Chandon. I think I was one of the last to leave. And I certainly had a short but meaningful conversation with God on the big white porcelein telephone this morning.
And then had to go to a Baby Shower. *shudder*
So... I'm going to blame all my shonky posts on NaBloPoMo for the month of November.
Yes I am.
This was a whirlwind visit... I literally saw nothing more than the view from the cab (who ripped me off HUGELY) and this view from my hotel room....
ADELAIDEI have a very soft spot for Adelaide. It was the very first city that I ever worked in outside my own city of Sydney. And I adore wines from the nearby Clare and Eden Valleys.
If it wasn't for NaBloPoMo I would not be blogging today at all.
I have the mother of ALL hangovers. My crazy-wealthy friends celebrated one of their fiftieth birthdays last night. Spectacular! Firedancers and eaters, court jesters, tarot readers, karoake, Cosmopolitans and an endless supply of Moet Chandon. I think I was one of the last to leave. And I certainly had a short but meaningful conversation with God on the big white porcelein telephone this morning.
And then had to go to a Baby Shower. *shudder*
So... I'm going to blame all my shonky posts on NaBloPoMo for the month of November.
Yes I am.
Saturday, November 1, 2008
I love my home....
Yes, I've been away for a week and am therefore delighting in the comfort of being in my own environment. But it's that very feeling that has inspired me to think about the place that I call "home".
My boys and I moved into this flat 4.5 years ago after a very abrupt breakup with my ex-fiance. We had a week to move out of his house, and, as I had sold my house to move in with him and was not working for income at the time, we had extremely limited options.
My parents had bought their neighbouring flat a few years earlier. The idea was that it would allow them to house overseas rellies and visitors comfortably as well as providing their grandchildren with bedrooms for overnight visits. In fact, they had ended up knocking down connecting walls and expanding into the new flat themselves.... and were enjoying the extra space.
They generously took us in, under the strictest understanding that this was to be temporary.
And yet here we still are.
Part of it is because the boys settled in to their new school so well. Part of it is because I could never afford to rent or buy within travelling distance of that new school. Part of it is because, gradually, we put the connecting walls back in. And part of it is because we've fallen into a comfortable pattern of helping each other out.
And now I don't ever want to leave.
I love the idea of living with extended family, but the reality, initially, was difficult for all of us. It took us a long time to manage how much involvement was "helping" and how much was "interfering". My parents aren't young (they read this, so I won't divulge exactly how not young they are) and are suffering from some increasingly debilitating health issues. I believe that their involvement with my boys helps to keep them motivated and optimistic. And I definitely know that their involvement with my boys helps my boys to develop empathy and respect.
It's not always a picnic. As their youngest child, I find myself occasionally falling into patterns of behaviour that didn't become me when I was 16, letalone now that I'm 42. And they would, understandably, prefer to live in an environment without the noise that my boys sometimes make.
But the upside far outweighs all of that.
My boys and I adore them. And my Dad provides a role model to them that DH and my brothers have failed to provide.
And the views rock!
My boys and I moved into this flat 4.5 years ago after a very abrupt breakup with my ex-fiance. We had a week to move out of his house, and, as I had sold my house to move in with him and was not working for income at the time, we had extremely limited options.
My parents had bought their neighbouring flat a few years earlier. The idea was that it would allow them to house overseas rellies and visitors comfortably as well as providing their grandchildren with bedrooms for overnight visits. In fact, they had ended up knocking down connecting walls and expanding into the new flat themselves.... and were enjoying the extra space.
They generously took us in, under the strictest understanding that this was to be temporary.
And yet here we still are.
Part of it is because the boys settled in to their new school so well. Part of it is because I could never afford to rent or buy within travelling distance of that new school. Part of it is because, gradually, we put the connecting walls back in. And part of it is because we've fallen into a comfortable pattern of helping each other out.
And now I don't ever want to leave.
I love the idea of living with extended family, but the reality, initially, was difficult for all of us. It took us a long time to manage how much involvement was "helping" and how much was "interfering". My parents aren't young (they read this, so I won't divulge exactly how not young they are) and are suffering from some increasingly debilitating health issues. I believe that their involvement with my boys helps to keep them motivated and optimistic. And I definitely know that their involvement with my boys helps my boys to develop empathy and respect.
It's not always a picnic. As their youngest child, I find myself occasionally falling into patterns of behaviour that didn't become me when I was 16, letalone now that I'm 42. And they would, understandably, prefer to live in an environment without the noise that my boys sometimes make.
But the upside far outweighs all of that.
My boys and I adore them. And my Dad provides a role model to them that DH and my brothers have failed to provide.
And the views rock!
NaBloPoMo.... Oh Yes....
Call me nuts, but I'm going to do it. I'm going to commit to writing a post a day throughout the month of November. Go here to find out more about it.
I'm HOME! Finally! I practically FELL off the plane last night and don't quite know how I managed to drive home from the airport.
And I woke up in a panic this morning. I had no idea which city I was in and just knew that I was running late. It took me ages to realise that I was finally safe and snug in my own soft bed with my own divine boys within shouting distance ** evil mummy grin **
I've been keeping in touch with "her" while I was away, and I'm hopeful that there has been a slight improvement in her condition. Keep everything crossed, please!
There will be couple of photos of Brisbane and Adelaide, when I've unpacked and sorted everything. In the meantime.... IT'S GOOD TO BE HOME!
I'm HOME! Finally! I practically FELL off the plane last night and don't quite know how I managed to drive home from the airport.
And I woke up in a panic this morning. I had no idea which city I was in and just knew that I was running late. It took me ages to realise that I was finally safe and snug in my own soft bed with my own divine boys within shouting distance ** evil mummy grin **
I've been keeping in touch with "her" while I was away, and I'm hopeful that there has been a slight improvement in her condition. Keep everything crossed, please!
There will be couple of photos of Brisbane and Adelaide, when I've unpacked and sorted everything. In the meantime.... IT'S GOOD TO BE HOME!
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
So far....
So here I am in Bris-Vegas, although I won't have time to see anything more than airport, taxi, hotel, conference, taxi, airport.
I thought I'd give you a visual update of the trip so far.....
MELBOURNE
That was another FLYING visit, so I thought I'd snap a typical Melbourne tram ....
PERTH
I actually had two nights in Perth, which included an afternoon and an evening off. So I got to see a little more than in the other cities.
This is the view from my hotel room. The grass is being used as an air strip for the Red Bull Air Race which is on this weekend. I'm so annoyed that I'm missing out on that!
The event organiser and a speaker who had flown over from Sweden and I went walking in the rain.....
And then, the highlight.
Guera, Lani and I met up and had dinner at Freo (that's Fremantle for everyone not from Perth!)..
God I love this blogging thing. And the incredible women that I am fortunate enough to meet through this medium.
I thought I'd give you a visual update of the trip so far.....
MELBOURNE
That was another FLYING visit, so I thought I'd snap a typical Melbourne tram ....
PERTH
I actually had two nights in Perth, which included an afternoon and an evening off. So I got to see a little more than in the other cities.
This is the view from my hotel room. The grass is being used as an air strip for the Red Bull Air Race which is on this weekend. I'm so annoyed that I'm missing out on that!
The event organiser and a speaker who had flown over from Sweden and I went walking in the rain.....
And then, the highlight.
Guera, Lani and I met up and had dinner at Freo (that's Fremantle for everyone not from Perth!)..
God I love this blogging thing. And the incredible women that I am fortunate enough to meet through this medium.
Monday, October 27, 2008
A NEW town!
It's been a LONG time since I've been to a new place. (Eindhoven in Holland was new to me, but I'd been to all our other trip destinations before.)
But here I am in the wild wild West!! In beautiful Perth!! For the very first time!!
Honestly I feel like a kid....
But it was a long LONG day. The job went really well..... and then it was 4 hours on a plane...... and I've just had a bubble bath, am about to order room service, and will sleep (I am too tired to write anything more than a travelogue tonight).
But here I am in the wild wild West!! In beautiful Perth!! For the very first time!!
Honestly I feel like a kid....
But it was a long LONG day. The job went really well..... and then it was 4 hours on a plane...... and I've just had a bubble bath, am about to order room service, and will sleep (I am too tired to write anything more than a travelogue tonight).
Sunday, October 26, 2008
Lovely Lovely Melbourne....
My full-on week has started. I flew down here this afternoon and had 5 minutes in my room before having to race off to dinner with the client.
And the seminar begins at 8am tomorrow.
I made friends with oh-so-gay-Trevor the doorman of this posh hotel, and the darling man gave me a bottle of red wine as I was coming in after dinner. Bodes well for a good week!
I wish I was going to be able to catch up with blogging friends around Australia this week, but my hectic schedule means I'll be lucky to find time for a decent sleep.
I'm the emcee. Wish me luck.
Next stop, Perth.
And the seminar begins at 8am tomorrow.
I made friends with oh-so-gay-Trevor the doorman of this posh hotel, and the darling man gave me a bottle of red wine as I was coming in after dinner. Bodes well for a good week!
I wish I was going to be able to catch up with blogging friends around Australia this week, but my hectic schedule means I'll be lucky to find time for a decent sleep.
I'm the emcee. Wish me luck.
Next stop, Perth.
Saturday, October 25, 2008
My secret life....
I'm addicted to "The Bill". I have been for the 20 or so years that it has been on the telly. My parents are addicted to "The Bill" too, so I know it's not a cool thing. And, scarily, my boys beg to watch it whenever they get the chance.
When I'm in a sewing frenzy, I do it to taped episodes of "the Bill". It doesn't matter if I've seen the episodes before.
Can't believe I'm confessing this. Will I lose all street-cred?
The funny thing is, I don't like telly generally. I tape a lot of UK and Danish shows, but dislike all American and most Australian product (except "Four Corners" "Insight" "Enough Rope" "Australian Story" and "Dateline"). Sad, isn't it?
When I was younger, I had an eating disorder. That's long gone. Now I've got a "Bill" disorder.
Seriously.
Perhaps there's a support group out there for this kind of thing.
ED: I lied about disliking ALL American telly. I like "The Amazing Race" because it makes me feel better about the stress I feel when travelling internationaly. Oh and "House". I guess I relate to him. Even sadder.
When I'm in a sewing frenzy, I do it to taped episodes of "the Bill". It doesn't matter if I've seen the episodes before.
Can't believe I'm confessing this. Will I lose all street-cred?
The funny thing is, I don't like telly generally. I tape a lot of UK and Danish shows, but dislike all American and most Australian product (except "Four Corners" "Insight" "Enough Rope" "Australian Story" and "Dateline"). Sad, isn't it?
When I was younger, I had an eating disorder. That's long gone. Now I've got a "Bill" disorder.
Seriously.
Perhaps there's a support group out there for this kind of thing.
ED: I lied about disliking ALL American telly. I like "The Amazing Race" because it makes me feel better about the stress I feel when travelling internationaly. Oh and "House". I guess I relate to him. Even sadder.
Friday, October 24, 2008
Project SPOS (thank you Dina!)
Firstly, thank you SO much everyone who has commented on my last few posts. It's all very "full on" in my house/life/head at the moment... and every single word of encouragement and amazement is helping me keep up my spirit.
I'm sorry that I'm not good at commenting on anyone else's blogs right now. I'm just unable to formulate words. Truly. (I'm only able to do it now because I'm on my second glass of white wine).
She has basically completely disappeared. She is now completely overcome with the depression monster and is basically unrecognisable. It is ALL about how she is going to die, and begging me to help her, and furiously telling me that I'm not her friend if I don't. She BEGS me to stay with her as I'm the "only person who truly understands", but I'm sure that I'm the only person who she thinks understands enough to actually help her end it all.
All of the logical responses aren't working, and so I just hold her hand, hug her, tell her that it is the depression talking, tell her that I know that "she" would want me to be doing exactly what I'm doing and it's the "illness" that is furious with me.
As I was leaving today, the head nurse asked to speak to me. She told me that she has seen me become progressively more exhausted and harrassed looking. She told me that she had never seen a friend show so much devotion in this situation, but that if I don't cut back, she thinks that I will probably end up there as a patient myself. She told me that I needed to stop taking responsibility for "her" recovery, and to focus on looking after my own well-being.
Wow.
Sometimes it takes a third person.
I cried.
And then came home to a letter from DH's solicitor.
And spent 5 hours writing a reply, as I am going to be representing myself (unless any of you know of a pro-bono family law solicitor?)
My dear friend J was here, helping me get organised for the big job next week. (I am SO disorganised... and she is a god-send to me). She has years and years of experience writing legal documents and was incredibly helpful today. I basically wrote the bones and she turned it into a legitimate response.
And then I got everything ready for next weeks' job. I'll be in Melbourne, Perth, Brisbane and then Adelaide. Working, flying, dining with the client and sleeping (hopefully NOT with the client!). J helped me organise clothes and checked my preparedness. Thank you J.
The boys came home briefly to collect some stuff for the weekend at DH's. Toto was a mess. Crying and SO low. He just didn't want to go. I won't see them for a week now and he just can't stand it. Poor thing. I feel the same way. Boo just rolls with the punches, although demanded a hundred kisses upon goodbye.
So..... Project SPOS (Selfish Piece of Sh*t) begins. I am so grateful to Dina from The Girl Who Wished She Was Australian for that wonderful anacronism.
And I think I deserve a third glass of wine.
*clink*
I'm sorry that I'm not good at commenting on anyone else's blogs right now. I'm just unable to formulate words. Truly. (I'm only able to do it now because I'm on my second glass of white wine).
She has basically completely disappeared. She is now completely overcome with the depression monster and is basically unrecognisable. It is ALL about how she is going to die, and begging me to help her, and furiously telling me that I'm not her friend if I don't. She BEGS me to stay with her as I'm the "only person who truly understands", but I'm sure that I'm the only person who she thinks understands enough to actually help her end it all.
All of the logical responses aren't working, and so I just hold her hand, hug her, tell her that it is the depression talking, tell her that I know that "she" would want me to be doing exactly what I'm doing and it's the "illness" that is furious with me.
As I was leaving today, the head nurse asked to speak to me. She told me that she has seen me become progressively more exhausted and harrassed looking. She told me that she had never seen a friend show so much devotion in this situation, but that if I don't cut back, she thinks that I will probably end up there as a patient myself. She told me that I needed to stop taking responsibility for "her" recovery, and to focus on looking after my own well-being.
Wow.
Sometimes it takes a third person.
I cried.
And then came home to a letter from DH's solicitor.
And spent 5 hours writing a reply, as I am going to be representing myself (unless any of you know of a pro-bono family law solicitor?)
My dear friend J was here, helping me get organised for the big job next week. (I am SO disorganised... and she is a god-send to me). She has years and years of experience writing legal documents and was incredibly helpful today. I basically wrote the bones and she turned it into a legitimate response.
And then I got everything ready for next weeks' job. I'll be in Melbourne, Perth, Brisbane and then Adelaide. Working, flying, dining with the client and sleeping (hopefully NOT with the client!). J helped me organise clothes and checked my preparedness. Thank you J.
The boys came home briefly to collect some stuff for the weekend at DH's. Toto was a mess. Crying and SO low. He just didn't want to go. I won't see them for a week now and he just can't stand it. Poor thing. I feel the same way. Boo just rolls with the punches, although demanded a hundred kisses upon goodbye.
So..... Project SPOS (Selfish Piece of Sh*t) begins. I am so grateful to Dina from The Girl Who Wished She Was Australian for that wonderful anacronism.
And I think I deserve a third glass of wine.
*clink*
Thursday, October 23, 2008
And........ *bang*...
Dear DH,
Thank you for your email telling me that you are going to proceed with legal action against me.
Upon first reading of your email, it would appear that the only monies you owe to me are for Spousal Maintenance. This is incorrect. You have unpaid Child Support owing as well.
I am going to address each issue that you have presented to me.
DH: “As you are aware I had recently begun taking the steps towards achieving a parenting plan for "Toto" and "Boo" through the mediation process. You are also aware that our case does not fit the criteria so I have received the relevant certificate and have passed it on to my solicitor with a view to begin proceedings in family court to return my overnight contact with the boys back to the previous arrangements. I am also making application to share residency from start of first term next year.”
Our case was deemed not to fit the Family Mediation Centres’ criteria for mediation because of the nature of the entire situation. As you are aware, our Case Officer was so shocked by some of the things that you have done to the boys that he thought it necessary to involve the Department of Community Services. The Case Officer was also aware of the fact that you have ignored Family Court Orders (still current) since 6 August 1998, and therefore made an assessment of your inability to comply with agreements.
I am not going to list all of the reasons why the boys refuse to spend school nights at your house. I will, however, state again that they are completely unwilling to do so. I have asked them frequently about it, and they have not changed their minds.
After receiving todays’ email, I asked them if they would be willing to resume school day overnights (you have them for 2 overnights every fortnight, one evening during the week, and had them for 7 nights during the last school holidays) and they said no. I told them that you were now asking for shared parenting from the beginning of next year, and asked them if they would like to spend every second week at your house. They became very upset and said no. I explained that if I was to go to court to prevent that from happening, they would have to tell that to lawyers, a registrar, and you. They said that they were willing to do that.
"Toto" became particularly upset at the idea of having to tell you that he did not want to stay at your house. He said that when you picked them up you were either very angry or very happy and that you scare him. As you well know, "Toto" suffers from clinically diagnosed anxiety, and this is not a good situation for him.
DH: “While you have said that you view my actions as aggressive I can assure you that could not be further from the case. The boys are now of an age where my role as a father cannot take a back seat.”
Your role as a father is based solely upon doing it only when it suits you, and not about being a truly nurturing parent to our sons. You have displayed your unwillingness to consider the boys’ feelings, and my situation, by leaving the country without forewarning on at least 3 occasions. You have left them alone at your house while you worked on many occasions. You have refused to have an x-ray of "Boo"’s arm when he was complaining to you of pain (a later x-ray organised by me showed a fracture). You have pulled their hair, pulled their ears, flicked their faces, left them in a back alley in Darlinghurst by themselves at night and these are only the examples that spring to mind instantly.
I have never denied you a role as father to our sons. When they were babies, you refused to take them. I went to great lengths to provide you with car seats, portable cots, high chairs, nappies and clothing in order to facilitate your continued involvement in their lives. I have never denied you access to the boys, despite your years of lying and verbal and financial abuse. I have, however, denied overnight visits at times because the boys refused to stay with you. During those times however, I have never denied you daytime access.
DH: “While our current arrangements and constant disagreements over the spousal maintenance orders seem to influence my access to these boys I have no option but to seek the courts advice on this.”
We have no constant disagreements over the spousal maintenance. You have refused to discuss it with me, and I have not been able to do anything about it. As it is a considerable amount of money, I have rightly asked you about it over the last 10 years. I have also asked you to pay your Child Support. You have lied to me about it for years and you continue to lie to me, and to the Child Support Agency. You are currently on an income assessment of $0.
These discussions, as stated above, have NEVER affected your access to the boys. Your own behavior towards them has done that.
DH: “I will also be seeking to discharge the spousal maintenance orders and arrears owed to the CSA.”
And why do you think that this is fair? You left me 2 months pregnant with our younger son when our older son was a 9 month old baby. I had no way of supporting myself, or them, and you took me to court and signed a court order stating that you would pay spousal maintenance and child support. You have paid no spousal maintenance, and you have paid minimal and inconsistent and unbelievably small amounts of child support over the past 10 years. I have lived on the assets that I had at the time of our marriage. They are all gone now, and my parents support us.
I do not understand how you can leave your wife in such a situation and expect to simply not support her, or your children, at all. To not support her while she is giving birth to your children and raising them on her own in very difficult circumstances. I can only hope that a Family Court Registrar shares my disbelief at your attempt to get away with this.
DH: “It is a shame that we could not resolve this any other way.”
You have never tried to resolve this in any way. You have never approached me with a financial offer. You have never replied to my emails explaining WHY the boys would not stay overnight at your place. You have simply never tried to resolve this. At all.
DH: “My solicitor will forward a letter to you this week some time.”
I’m glad that you can afford a solicitor. It is interesting to me that you will not pay me any of the child support or spousal maintenance debt, and yet you are willing to spend what will probably amount to tens of thousands of dollars on legal fees in order to expel that debt.
DH: “I hope you understand that with no other way to resolve our differences I am left with no other choice but to proceed this way.”
No I don’t. That sentence is simply untrue. You could put the boys’ interests before your own and allow them time to feel safe with you again. And I don’t understand how a man can call himself a father and not think that that includes a financial responsibility. You can afford long and extravagant and frequent overseas holidays, and yet you don’t pay your child support or spousal maintenance obligations.
DH: “My wish is to resolve things as fairly as possible.”
Fairly? Which part of this is fair to me or to the boys?
DH: “I would also hope that during these proceedings that our currant arrangements are not affected, in fact I hope that the previous overnight stays resume as soon as possible.”
I have asked the boys if they are willing to change the current situation and they have said no. Their needs come before yours and mine.
Sincerely yours
Thank you for your email telling me that you are going to proceed with legal action against me.
Upon first reading of your email, it would appear that the only monies you owe to me are for Spousal Maintenance. This is incorrect. You have unpaid Child Support owing as well.
I am going to address each issue that you have presented to me.
DH: “As you are aware I had recently begun taking the steps towards achieving a parenting plan for "Toto" and "Boo" through the mediation process. You are also aware that our case does not fit the criteria so I have received the relevant certificate and have passed it on to my solicitor with a view to begin proceedings in family court to return my overnight contact with the boys back to the previous arrangements. I am also making application to share residency from start of first term next year.”
Our case was deemed not to fit the Family Mediation Centres’ criteria for mediation because of the nature of the entire situation. As you are aware, our Case Officer was so shocked by some of the things that you have done to the boys that he thought it necessary to involve the Department of Community Services. The Case Officer was also aware of the fact that you have ignored Family Court Orders (still current) since 6 August 1998, and therefore made an assessment of your inability to comply with agreements.
I am not going to list all of the reasons why the boys refuse to spend school nights at your house. I will, however, state again that they are completely unwilling to do so. I have asked them frequently about it, and they have not changed their minds.
After receiving todays’ email, I asked them if they would be willing to resume school day overnights (you have them for 2 overnights every fortnight, one evening during the week, and had them for 7 nights during the last school holidays) and they said no. I told them that you were now asking for shared parenting from the beginning of next year, and asked them if they would like to spend every second week at your house. They became very upset and said no. I explained that if I was to go to court to prevent that from happening, they would have to tell that to lawyers, a registrar, and you. They said that they were willing to do that.
"Toto" became particularly upset at the idea of having to tell you that he did not want to stay at your house. He said that when you picked them up you were either very angry or very happy and that you scare him. As you well know, "Toto" suffers from clinically diagnosed anxiety, and this is not a good situation for him.
DH: “While you have said that you view my actions as aggressive I can assure you that could not be further from the case. The boys are now of an age where my role as a father cannot take a back seat.”
Your role as a father is based solely upon doing it only when it suits you, and not about being a truly nurturing parent to our sons. You have displayed your unwillingness to consider the boys’ feelings, and my situation, by leaving the country without forewarning on at least 3 occasions. You have left them alone at your house while you worked on many occasions. You have refused to have an x-ray of "Boo"’s arm when he was complaining to you of pain (a later x-ray organised by me showed a fracture). You have pulled their hair, pulled their ears, flicked their faces, left them in a back alley in Darlinghurst by themselves at night and these are only the examples that spring to mind instantly.
I have never denied you a role as father to our sons. When they were babies, you refused to take them. I went to great lengths to provide you with car seats, portable cots, high chairs, nappies and clothing in order to facilitate your continued involvement in their lives. I have never denied you access to the boys, despite your years of lying and verbal and financial abuse. I have, however, denied overnight visits at times because the boys refused to stay with you. During those times however, I have never denied you daytime access.
DH: “While our current arrangements and constant disagreements over the spousal maintenance orders seem to influence my access to these boys I have no option but to seek the courts advice on this.”
We have no constant disagreements over the spousal maintenance. You have refused to discuss it with me, and I have not been able to do anything about it. As it is a considerable amount of money, I have rightly asked you about it over the last 10 years. I have also asked you to pay your Child Support. You have lied to me about it for years and you continue to lie to me, and to the Child Support Agency. You are currently on an income assessment of $0.
These discussions, as stated above, have NEVER affected your access to the boys. Your own behavior towards them has done that.
DH: “I will also be seeking to discharge the spousal maintenance orders and arrears owed to the CSA.”
And why do you think that this is fair? You left me 2 months pregnant with our younger son when our older son was a 9 month old baby. I had no way of supporting myself, or them, and you took me to court and signed a court order stating that you would pay spousal maintenance and child support. You have paid no spousal maintenance, and you have paid minimal and inconsistent and unbelievably small amounts of child support over the past 10 years. I have lived on the assets that I had at the time of our marriage. They are all gone now, and my parents support us.
I do not understand how you can leave your wife in such a situation and expect to simply not support her, or your children, at all. To not support her while she is giving birth to your children and raising them on her own in very difficult circumstances. I can only hope that a Family Court Registrar shares my disbelief at your attempt to get away with this.
DH: “It is a shame that we could not resolve this any other way.”
You have never tried to resolve this in any way. You have never approached me with a financial offer. You have never replied to my emails explaining WHY the boys would not stay overnight at your place. You have simply never tried to resolve this. At all.
DH: “My solicitor will forward a letter to you this week some time.”
I’m glad that you can afford a solicitor. It is interesting to me that you will not pay me any of the child support or spousal maintenance debt, and yet you are willing to spend what will probably amount to tens of thousands of dollars on legal fees in order to expel that debt.
DH: “I hope you understand that with no other way to resolve our differences I am left with no other choice but to proceed this way.”
No I don’t. That sentence is simply untrue. You could put the boys’ interests before your own and allow them time to feel safe with you again. And I don’t understand how a man can call himself a father and not think that that includes a financial responsibility. You can afford long and extravagant and frequent overseas holidays, and yet you don’t pay your child support or spousal maintenance obligations.
DH: “My wish is to resolve things as fairly as possible.”
Fairly? Which part of this is fair to me or to the boys?
DH: “I would also hope that during these proceedings that our currant arrangements are not affected, in fact I hope that the previous overnight stays resume as soon as possible.”
I have asked the boys if they are willing to change the current situation and they have said no. Their needs come before yours and mine.
Sincerely yours
A mix up...
They had NOT put her on suicide watch (which is called Category 5 and which involves removing dangerous items and checking on her every 15 minutes). They had decided that she simply wasn't allowed outside (Category 4) although nothing was physically stopping her from walking out of the building.
She telephoned me early this morning begging me to bring in enough sleeping pills to help her end her life. I went straight over (withOUT the pills, need I say) and discovered that she was completely vulnerable and totally unsafe. She told me that she had told the nurses that she was completely suicidal but that they were not taking her seriously.
So.... feeling a bit like Shirley MacLaine in "Terms of Endearment", I insisted upon seeing the doctor again.
Jesus Joseph and Mary. What about the poor people who don't have their own advocates? It is amazing to me that this can happen in that environment.
I spelled it out for him. I told him of our phone conversations. I told him about her request for the pills. I told him that she has AT LEAST three other methods worked out. He came and sat with her and asked her about how she was feeling. I sat in, and I'm sure it's only because she knew that she couldn't lie about it in front of me that she was honest with him.
And so she is now on Category 5. Which means that a nurse should talk to her every 15 minutes unless she is asleep. And for the next 2 hours, no nurse came to check on her.
Once more I channeled Shirley MacLaine and went to the Nurses Station. I was F U R I O U S. The head nurse blamed the "youth" of the other nurses. *&%&*
It's so unfair. I shouldn't have to feel as though she is unsafe when I am not there. She's in a bloody private psychiatric hospital for gods' sake!
Knowing that I was nearing my limit..... running out of reassuring words and faustian bargaining tools...... close to falling into a mess of tears.... I left when another friend arrived.
And now I'm trying to work. I've got a big gig next week, and I have a lot of preparation that I need to do for it. But it's hard to focus on the trivial when the non-trivial is still resounding in my ears.
I guess I have to apply the words that I say to her to myself also. "Not long now" "I KNOW you will recover from this" "You CAN do this" etc.
She telephoned me early this morning begging me to bring in enough sleeping pills to help her end her life. I went straight over (withOUT the pills, need I say) and discovered that she was completely vulnerable and totally unsafe. She told me that she had told the nurses that she was completely suicidal but that they were not taking her seriously.
So.... feeling a bit like Shirley MacLaine in "Terms of Endearment", I insisted upon seeing the doctor again.
Jesus Joseph and Mary. What about the poor people who don't have their own advocates? It is amazing to me that this can happen in that environment.
I spelled it out for him. I told him of our phone conversations. I told him about her request for the pills. I told him that she has AT LEAST three other methods worked out. He came and sat with her and asked her about how she was feeling. I sat in, and I'm sure it's only because she knew that she couldn't lie about it in front of me that she was honest with him.
And so she is now on Category 5. Which means that a nurse should talk to her every 15 minutes unless she is asleep. And for the next 2 hours, no nurse came to check on her.
Once more I channeled Shirley MacLaine and went to the Nurses Station. I was F U R I O U S. The head nurse blamed the "youth" of the other nurses. *&%&*
It's so unfair. I shouldn't have to feel as though she is unsafe when I am not there. She's in a bloody private psychiatric hospital for gods' sake!
Knowing that I was nearing my limit..... running out of reassuring words and faustian bargaining tools...... close to falling into a mess of tears.... I left when another friend arrived.
And now I'm trying to work. I've got a big gig next week, and I have a lot of preparation that I need to do for it. But it's hard to focus on the trivial when the non-trivial is still resounding in my ears.
I guess I have to apply the words that I say to her to myself also. "Not long now" "I KNOW you will recover from this" "You CAN do this" etc.
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
Life can be so wonderful...
It's been a tough week (month, couple of months).
I heard about two deaths this week. One was an ex-boyfriend who found his life too much for him to bear, and therefore ended it. Another was a young Mum with incurable cancer.
One took it. One had it taken from her.
And I also found out about another old friend, the father of four children, who has an inoperable and terminal brain tumour.
And of course, I'm living with the day to day reality of someone who is longing for death as a release.
So I guess it's normal that I'm thinking about death.
I've been through more than one period of depression where the idea of taking my own life was more delicious and freeing and desirable than living.
I've also been through my own journey with cancer. A journey that was not always one that I would win. And during that time, the idea of living was more delicious and freeing and desirable than not living.
And through both journeys, I made friends with many other patients who did not survive their illnesses.
I do not judge anyone who chooses to leave this world. I mourn the loss of anyone who dies from ANY illness. Mental illness and physical illness. They are both as dangerous as each other.
The survival of cancer and of depression is not dependent upon the ability of the patient to "fight" or to "think positively" or to "not give in". In an ideal world, we all "think positively", and I believe that the only people who aren't able to do that are people who are overwhelmed by their circumstances.
Which is why I believe that "life is difficult". Life throws us challenges all the time. Some are big and obvious, some smaller and more subtle, but all are "difficult". And I think that if we can accept that that is what life is about, it is easier to deal with the challenges and we are therefore less likely to be overwhelmed by them.
This isn't a defeatist attitude. Far from it. I am able to appreciate all the wonderful things that I have in my life, whilst accepting the more difficult ones.
And, therefore, I can say that my life is wonderful. It is challenging, yes (and at times exhausting). But it is also very very wonderful.
I heard about two deaths this week. One was an ex-boyfriend who found his life too much for him to bear, and therefore ended it. Another was a young Mum with incurable cancer.
One took it. One had it taken from her.
And I also found out about another old friend, the father of four children, who has an inoperable and terminal brain tumour.
And of course, I'm living with the day to day reality of someone who is longing for death as a release.
So I guess it's normal that I'm thinking about death.
I've been through more than one period of depression where the idea of taking my own life was more delicious and freeing and desirable than living.
I've also been through my own journey with cancer. A journey that was not always one that I would win. And during that time, the idea of living was more delicious and freeing and desirable than not living.
And through both journeys, I made friends with many other patients who did not survive their illnesses.
I do not judge anyone who chooses to leave this world. I mourn the loss of anyone who dies from ANY illness. Mental illness and physical illness. They are both as dangerous as each other.
The survival of cancer and of depression is not dependent upon the ability of the patient to "fight" or to "think positively" or to "not give in". In an ideal world, we all "think positively", and I believe that the only people who aren't able to do that are people who are overwhelmed by their circumstances.
Which is why I believe that "life is difficult". Life throws us challenges all the time. Some are big and obvious, some smaller and more subtle, but all are "difficult". And I think that if we can accept that that is what life is about, it is easier to deal with the challenges and we are therefore less likely to be overwhelmed by them.
This isn't a defeatist attitude. Far from it. I am able to appreciate all the wonderful things that I have in my life, whilst accepting the more difficult ones.
And, therefore, I can say that my life is wonderful. It is challenging, yes (and at times exhausting). But it is also very very wonderful.
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
Our weekend....
Yawn....
Four kids eating...
Four kids swimming....
Storm coming....
(sorry it's not prolific. Did I mention I was exhausted?)
Four kids eating...Four kids swimming....Storm coming....(sorry it's not prolific. Did I mention I was exhausted?)Harder and harder....
It seem that her treatment is making her feel worse before she begins feeling better. And it is just SO difficult to to keep convincing her of the reasons she has to keep alive until it begins to work.
She has an idea that if she "disappears", her husband and I can live together and raise all 4 kids happily. With two happy parents.
It makes so much sense to her. She has planned her way out. But she's lied to the doctors about it.
And so today I had to "dob" her in. I went to the doctor and told him that she has a plan, and that I am convinced that she is in immediate danger. He was unwilling to believe me, as she had convincingly told him that although she thinks about dying, she has no plan.
Doesn't that make things even more dire?
Finally, FINALLY, he believed me, and she is on "suicide watch" while they wait for an available bed in the ICU.
And I'm exhausted. Totally, utterly exhausted.
And she's angry with me. She only told me because she trusted me, and I've betrayed that trust. I know, however, that she will thank me when she is well again.
And I KNOW that she will be well again. Please God soon.
She has an idea that if she "disappears", her husband and I can live together and raise all 4 kids happily. With two happy parents.
It makes so much sense to her. She has planned her way out. But she's lied to the doctors about it.
And so today I had to "dob" her in. I went to the doctor and told him that she has a plan, and that I am convinced that she is in immediate danger. He was unwilling to believe me, as she had convincingly told him that although she thinks about dying, she has no plan.
Doesn't that make things even more dire?
Finally, FINALLY, he believed me, and she is on "suicide watch" while they wait for an available bed in the ICU.
And I'm exhausted. Totally, utterly exhausted.
And she's angry with me. She only told me because she trusted me, and I've betrayed that trust. I know, however, that she will thank me when she is well again.
And I KNOW that she will be well again. Please God soon.
Monday, October 20, 2008
My beautiful teapot arrived today!!
Sunday, October 19, 2008
A midnight adventure.... and a sad tale ....
Last night, just before midnight, I received a terrible phone call. It was from Slinky and Malinky's new Mum. She was crying so hard that I thought, initially, that it was a crank call and hung up on her.
Luckily she called back, and the only words that I could make out were "I can't find Slinky".
"I'll be right over" I said. And ran next door to wake my Mum up (to mind my boys) before rushing over there.
I arrived, to be greeted by my friend in SUCH a state that she literally couldn't talk. She had been looking for him for 15 hours.
I walked out her back door, re-assuring her that I would help her find him, and that he would be okay, and instantly he appeared.
INSTANTLY. After 15 hours of her searching and calling and panicking.
Little bugger.
I can't help but think that he was (in his own way) protesting that fact that I had appeared again and then disappeared. And that he was waiting for me to return.
There's really no other explaination.
Cats (particularly those with Burmese blood in them) are very loyal. I had a divine little Burmese called Felix once. When I moved overseas, he stayed in my house with my flatmate. He sat at the end of my driveway for 2 weeks waiting for me. He wouldn't eat, drink or move.
I came home for a flying visit after 12 months and went straight from the airport to visit him. I saw him every day for 5 days while I was home. And then I left again.
He returned to his position at the end of the driveway and refused to move, eat or drink. And after two weeks, he simply died.
Broke my heart.
And now I'm thinking that I should not visit Slinky and Malinky again. That my selfishness in wanting SO much to see them only makes them suffer.
Luckily she called back, and the only words that I could make out were "I can't find Slinky".
"I'll be right over" I said. And ran next door to wake my Mum up (to mind my boys) before rushing over there.
I arrived, to be greeted by my friend in SUCH a state that she literally couldn't talk. She had been looking for him for 15 hours.
I walked out her back door, re-assuring her that I would help her find him, and that he would be okay, and instantly he appeared.
INSTANTLY. After 15 hours of her searching and calling and panicking.
Little bugger.
I can't help but think that he was (in his own way) protesting that fact that I had appeared again and then disappeared. And that he was waiting for me to return.
There's really no other explaination.
Cats (particularly those with Burmese blood in them) are very loyal. I had a divine little Burmese called Felix once. When I moved overseas, he stayed in my house with my flatmate. He sat at the end of my driveway for 2 weeks waiting for me. He wouldn't eat, drink or move.
I came home for a flying visit after 12 months and went straight from the airport to visit him. I saw him every day for 5 days while I was home. And then I left again.
He returned to his position at the end of the driveway and refused to move, eat or drink. And after two weeks, he simply died.
Broke my heart.
And now I'm thinking that I should not visit Slinky and Malinky again. That my selfishness in wanting SO much to see them only makes them suffer.
Happy Birthday Joanne....
You were taken away from us way too early.But you'll always be in my heart.
I hope that you are having red wine and birthday cake in heaven, my dear dear friend.
Saturday, October 18, 2008
Fallout...
Last night my boys and I got to see some of the fallout from "her" illness firsthand.
Her youngest child (who is Boo's bestest friend) was going to come to ours for a sleepover. I collected him, and then collected her, and we all went to Balmoral Beach for fish and chips and some salt air therapy.
After dinner and after the boys had all been running around and digging on the beach while she and I had deep conversations and dipped our toes in the water, her son whispered to her that he did not want to sleep at our home. He had been abnormally rude and challenging all evening, and was quite hostile to Boo and Toto. Knowing that her eldest child was having a birthday party sleepover (and had begged for her little brother to be absent), she went into a panic. I took over and her son and I went for a walk/talk along the beach.
Now.... he is like a third son to me and loves me dearly. He is normally respectful, polite and always displays amazing empathy for a boy of his age. He does have problems with anger management, but his behaviour last night was completely and utterly out of character.
I asked him why he didn't want to stay over at our house (normally he begs us for sleepovers!). He told me that he couldn't find the words to explain it, but he really REALLY wanted to be with his Dad.
That was it for me. I understood completely. He needs stability and an actively-parenting-parent. So I agreed to take him home.
My decision was based upon knowing that "she" wouldn't have coped with his upset if I had refused, and knowing that he is going through SO much pain just by having his Mum ill and in hospital for such a long time.
We took her back to the hospital and then drove him back home (half way across Sydney). We then came home .... and my poor boys finally reacted.
Poor Boo was devastated by the turn of events. He had been SO looking forward to the sleepover, and to having a friend to play with the next day during Toto's boring and long exciting cricket match. He didn't understand what had happened. He said that his friend had been rude, had shown him no respect, and that he didn't feel like his best friend anymore.
And.... he wanted to sleep in my bed (something that hasn't happened for a long time).
*sigh*
They're all so affected by this. And they're too young to truly understand mental illness, treatment and recovery.
My boys are okay today. I explained things to them last night and asked them to show her son kindness and understanding by not judging him for his current behaviour. I think hope pray they understood.
Her youngest child (who is Boo's bestest friend) was going to come to ours for a sleepover. I collected him, and then collected her, and we all went to Balmoral Beach for fish and chips and some salt air therapy.
After dinner and after the boys had all been running around and digging on the beach while she and I had deep conversations and dipped our toes in the water, her son whispered to her that he did not want to sleep at our home. He had been abnormally rude and challenging all evening, and was quite hostile to Boo and Toto. Knowing that her eldest child was having a birthday party sleepover (and had begged for her little brother to be absent), she went into a panic. I took over and her son and I went for a walk/talk along the beach.
Now.... he is like a third son to me and loves me dearly. He is normally respectful, polite and always displays amazing empathy for a boy of his age. He does have problems with anger management, but his behaviour last night was completely and utterly out of character.
I asked him why he didn't want to stay over at our house (normally he begs us for sleepovers!). He told me that he couldn't find the words to explain it, but he really REALLY wanted to be with his Dad.
That was it for me. I understood completely. He needs stability and an actively-parenting-parent. So I agreed to take him home.
My decision was based upon knowing that "she" wouldn't have coped with his upset if I had refused, and knowing that he is going through SO much pain just by having his Mum ill and in hospital for such a long time.
We took her back to the hospital and then drove him back home (half way across Sydney). We then came home .... and my poor boys finally reacted.
Poor Boo was devastated by the turn of events. He had been SO looking forward to the sleepover, and to having a friend to play with the next day during Toto's boring and long exciting cricket match. He didn't understand what had happened. He said that his friend had been rude, had shown him no respect, and that he didn't feel like his best friend anymore.
And.... he wanted to sleep in my bed (something that hasn't happened for a long time).
*sigh*
They're all so affected by this. And they're too young to truly understand mental illness, treatment and recovery.
My boys are okay today. I explained things to them last night and asked them to show her son kindness and understanding by not judging him for his current behaviour. I think hope pray they understood.
Friday, October 17, 2008
Some joy....
As I've written, I've received a lot of joy from visiting Slinky and Malinky twice a day for the last week. Here is Boo with both cats.... not a great photo, but Slinky was being totally unco-operative and I wanted to show how gorgeous they are, if only because they are identical...
Here is Malinky.... again very difficult to photograph because he walks towards me every time I crouch down....
And here's a Skink that was sitting on the hot wall. Beautiful and still. A lesson for me in stillness...
Today was a big day for "her". I was there all day, and snapped her window sill early this morning. Trying to find beauty in sadness...
Here is Malinky.... again very difficult to photograph because he walks towards me every time I crouch down....
And here's a Skink that was sitting on the hot wall. Beautiful and still. A lesson for me in stillness...
Today was a big day for "her". I was there all day, and snapped her window sill early this morning. Trying to find beauty in sadness...
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
I feel like all I do is whinge....
To you guys, that is.
She's so much worse. They've tried various different meds and she's not responding to any of them. It feels like a full time job just trying to remind her of reasons to keep surviving.
So she's changing treatments again on Friday. She's scared and she's exhausted and she's totally overwhelmed.
But she's still here, and I know how much of an effort that can be. And I'm SO proud of her.
Me? I'm looking after my cats this week. That might sound like a funny statement, but I had to give them away 4 years ago when we moved into this flat. They live nearby, with lovely people, and the boys and I get to visit them whenever we want. We also get to look after them when their new owners are away.
And the love and purrs and cuddles that my divine Slinky and Malinky are giving me right now are priceless.
She's so much worse. They've tried various different meds and she's not responding to any of them. It feels like a full time job just trying to remind her of reasons to keep surviving.
So she's changing treatments again on Friday. She's scared and she's exhausted and she's totally overwhelmed.
But she's still here, and I know how much of an effort that can be. And I'm SO proud of her.
Me? I'm looking after my cats this week. That might sound like a funny statement, but I had to give them away 4 years ago when we moved into this flat. They live nearby, with lovely people, and the boys and I get to visit them whenever we want. We also get to look after them when their new owners are away.
And the love and purrs and cuddles that my divine Slinky and Malinky are giving me right now are priceless.
Saturday, October 11, 2008
Taking wobbly credit...
I have received TWO blog awards. One of them was given to me a while ago, when I was feeling completely unworthy and unable to properly appreciate it. The other was given to me today.
These awards mean an awful lot to me, mainly because of the respect I have for the people who gave them to me.
The first one.....
.... was given to me by the beautiful and talented Lara at Disco Knitter. She is a "real life" friend as well as a blog-pal, and has been through her own journey of ups and downs, which she has blogged about honestly and articulately along the way. She's intelligent, strong and has amazing qualities of perception. She is also the mother of one of my favourite "opb" (Other Peoples' Babies)..... Inigo.
And the second one.....
...... was given to me by the amazing and incredible Tiff from My Three Ring Circus. Tiff is the mother of Amy (as well as 6 other beautiful children) and has been to hell and back on more than one occasion, and yet always finds a way to see the positive and beautiful around her. She's also a phenomenal photographer.
Now, along with the secret smile and the joy of being liked, comes the responsibility attached to accepting these awards. The rules, as I understand them, are as follows:
1. Put the logo on your blog.
2. Add a link to the person who awarded it to you.
3. Nominate at least 7 other blogs. (ummm.... I'd better make that 14)
4. Add links to these blogs on your blog.
5. Leave a message for your nominee on their blog.
So... I have done the first two things, and now I'm going to do step 3. I nominate.... (in no particular order)....
Our Name is Blog. The wonderful Lorrie gives me constant giggles, miles of loving support, and I get to think of her everyday because I have her "whatever" clock hanging on my wall.
Pea Soup. Suze takes me away for a few minutes every day or so with her stunning photography and quiet approach to a hectic world.
Blue Yonder. Because (just quietly) I wish I could be her.
Uncommon Grace. Photos photos photos. And an amazing approach to life.
Sheeps Clothing. She's a little bit me and a little bit you and VERY observant. Always makes me smile.
Super Whites. I'm a recent follower of this blog. Sarah is articulate and caring and is the mother of the very adventurous (and photogenic) Amy. Her perspective is always interesting.
Eastern Max. M may be a friend of mine (we're actually cousins if you must know) but she's also one of the most competent and intelligent chicky-babes that I know. Never ever boring.
Me & Boo. Lani makes me cry, often. They're always good tears. She's kind of a soul mate, I feel, although we haven't met (yet).
Light. Sweet. Crude. Trish keeps me feeling that I'm not obsessed with US politics (if only because she is!!). She sources the best stuff on the interweb, and layers it with brilliant photos and observant and well-informed comments. Go Trish!
My Little Drummer Boys. Another new blog for me. Trish has two beautiful twin sons and a teenage son. She has also faced a long and sometimes tragic journey with fertility. Her words are poignant and powerful and a must read.
Third On The Right. What can I say that hasn't been said already? Le is always interesting, always clever and always blogging. What a combination!
Around the Traps. Fairlie is fun. She is artistic and creative and an inspiration to me.
Blue. Photography. Stories. Amazing ability to articulate emotion. Blue.
Some of these people don't even know that I follow their blogs (I'm such a crap commenter). I hope that all my nominees smile just to know that I thought of them (and forgive me for abridged descriptions of why I nominated them). And that they know that they contribute to my day.
And I hope that everyone else knows that I had a long list to cull. And that I decided to limit my nominees to English blogs Ed: I mean written in English (doesn't mean I don't love you if you don't blog in English!)
Ed: And I didn't include you in my list if you were nominated by Lara or Tiff as well. It kind of made my job easier, but some of you would definitely have been on my list too.
These awards mean an awful lot to me, mainly because of the respect I have for the people who gave them to me.
The first one.....
.... was given to me by the beautiful and talented Lara at Disco Knitter. She is a "real life" friend as well as a blog-pal, and has been through her own journey of ups and downs, which she has blogged about honestly and articulately along the way. She's intelligent, strong and has amazing qualities of perception. She is also the mother of one of my favourite "opb" (Other Peoples' Babies)..... Inigo.
And the second one.....
...... was given to me by the amazing and incredible Tiff from My Three Ring Circus. Tiff is the mother of Amy (as well as 6 other beautiful children) and has been to hell and back on more than one occasion, and yet always finds a way to see the positive and beautiful around her. She's also a phenomenal photographer.
Now, along with the secret smile and the joy of being liked, comes the responsibility attached to accepting these awards. The rules, as I understand them, are as follows:
1. Put the logo on your blog.
2. Add a link to the person who awarded it to you.
3. Nominate at least 7 other blogs. (ummm.... I'd better make that 14)
4. Add links to these blogs on your blog.
5. Leave a message for your nominee on their blog.
So... I have done the first two things, and now I'm going to do step 3. I nominate.... (in no particular order)....
Our Name is Blog. The wonderful Lorrie gives me constant giggles, miles of loving support, and I get to think of her everyday because I have her "whatever" clock hanging on my wall.
Pea Soup. Suze takes me away for a few minutes every day or so with her stunning photography and quiet approach to a hectic world.
Blue Yonder. Because (just quietly) I wish I could be her.
Uncommon Grace. Photos photos photos. And an amazing approach to life.
Sheeps Clothing. She's a little bit me and a little bit you and VERY observant. Always makes me smile.
Super Whites. I'm a recent follower of this blog. Sarah is articulate and caring and is the mother of the very adventurous (and photogenic) Amy. Her perspective is always interesting.
Eastern Max. M may be a friend of mine (we're actually cousins if you must know) but she's also one of the most competent and intelligent chicky-babes that I know. Never ever boring.
Me & Boo. Lani makes me cry, often. They're always good tears. She's kind of a soul mate, I feel, although we haven't met (yet).
Light. Sweet. Crude. Trish keeps me feeling that I'm not obsessed with US politics (if only because she is!!). She sources the best stuff on the interweb, and layers it with brilliant photos and observant and well-informed comments. Go Trish!
My Little Drummer Boys. Another new blog for me. Trish has two beautiful twin sons and a teenage son. She has also faced a long and sometimes tragic journey with fertility. Her words are poignant and powerful and a must read.
Third On The Right. What can I say that hasn't been said already? Le is always interesting, always clever and always blogging. What a combination!
Around the Traps. Fairlie is fun. She is artistic and creative and an inspiration to me.
Blue. Photography. Stories. Amazing ability to articulate emotion. Blue.
Some of these people don't even know that I follow their blogs (I'm such a crap commenter). I hope that all my nominees smile just to know that I thought of them (and forgive me for abridged descriptions of why I nominated them). And that they know that they contribute to my day.
And I hope that everyone else knows that I had a long list to cull. And that I decided to limit my nominees to English blogs Ed: I mean written in English (doesn't mean I don't love you if you don't blog in English!)
Ed: And I didn't include you in my list if you were nominated by Lara or Tiff as well. It kind of made my job easier, but some of you would definitely have been on my list too.
Thursday, October 9, 2008
A blogmeet..... and news....
The divine Guera was in Sydney for a few days and organised a get-together with some of her Sydney blog-pals. We met at a beautiful harbourside beach and enjoyed long chats and lot's of kid-play.
My lovely real-life friend M was there, and I got to meet Super Sarah and Trish. It was so lovely to actually meet these people in the flesh.... people whose lives we know so well and yet so little.
And today I received a phone call from the Family Mediation Case Worker. Our case has been deemed "unsuitable for mediation".
So, next step, Family Court.
I'm missing the boys. A lot. And "she" is suffering through another set-back. Lot's of questions about her treatment.... psychiatry is such an in-exact science and most treatments involve a period of trial and error. I just wish that hers didn't have so much of the trial.
I'm a bit flat. But fine.
I probably wouldn't be this fine without such wonderful support from all of you. I can't find the words to describe how valuable all of your comments are. Thank you. You've all got so much on your plate and yet you take time to care about me. Amazing.
My lovely real-life friend M was there, and I got to meet Super Sarah and Trish. It was so lovely to actually meet these people in the flesh.... people whose lives we know so well and yet so little.
And today I received a phone call from the Family Mediation Case Worker. Our case has been deemed "unsuitable for mediation".
So, next step, Family Court.
I'm missing the boys. A lot. And "she" is suffering through another set-back. Lot's of questions about her treatment.... psychiatry is such an in-exact science and most treatments involve a period of trial and error. I just wish that hers didn't have so much of the trial.
I'm a bit flat. But fine.
I probably wouldn't be this fine without such wonderful support from all of you. I can't find the words to describe how valuable all of your comments are. Thank you. You've all got so much on your plate and yet you take time to care about me. Amazing.
Monday, October 6, 2008
All good things.....
No word from any officials since I last posted. Which is a GOOD thing.
I'm sewing like a mad-woman and staying up way too late at night. It's what I do.
My boys have gone to DH for the next week. They were torn between trying to be pleased about it (I put such a positive spin on it for them) and not wanting to be away from me for that long.
Honestly, we are SO connected, my boys and I. They have been absolutely divine these past stressful days/weeks. They sing with me (not something they'd like me admitting to others) and we laugh and play and just have so much fun. I am one of those people who are very clear that I'm NOT serving them best by being their friend (they need me to be their parent), but they are such great friends to me. Truly.
(except when Boo and I play Monopoly. He can't handle it when I beat him)
My irl friends are awesome. Just the right combination of checking up on me and leaving me alone. Thank you to all of you.
To my "internets" friends ..... you know who you are .... thank you SO much for all support and love and kindness. It's just incredible how kind people can be who don't "know" each other. It's a wonderful world.
And one of my irl friends has met a wonderful new potential partner, and so I am able to enjoy all of that stuff vicariously through her.
It's all good. Especially "her". She is allowed home for a couple of hours every now and then. It's a very good sign.
I DO have a question for all of you, though. How do you cope with major stress?
I'm sewing like a mad-woman and staying up way too late at night. It's what I do.
My boys have gone to DH for the next week. They were torn between trying to be pleased about it (I put such a positive spin on it for them) and not wanting to be away from me for that long.
Honestly, we are SO connected, my boys and I. They have been absolutely divine these past stressful days/weeks. They sing with me (not something they'd like me admitting to others) and we laugh and play and just have so much fun. I am one of those people who are very clear that I'm NOT serving them best by being their friend (they need me to be their parent), but they are such great friends to me. Truly.
(except when Boo and I play Monopoly. He can't handle it when I beat him)
My irl friends are awesome. Just the right combination of checking up on me and leaving me alone. Thank you to all of you.
To my "internets" friends ..... you know who you are .... thank you SO much for all support and love and kindness. It's just incredible how kind people can be who don't "know" each other. It's a wonderful world.
And one of my irl friends has met a wonderful new potential partner, and so I am able to enjoy all of that stuff vicariously through her.
It's all good. Especially "her". She is allowed home for a couple of hours every now and then. It's a very good sign.
I DO have a question for all of you, though. How do you cope with major stress?
Thursday, October 2, 2008
The Family Mediation process thus far....
It's been dramatic.
I had my first appointment on Monday. I spent 1.75 hours talking to our case worker about my situation, and about the history of my relationship with DH, and his with the boys, since our separation.
That's 10 years of gunk. Held-in, honest, embarrassing gunk. It was horrendous.
The case worker "can't" tell me what DH wants from this mediation (and ultimate court) process. DH's confidentiality is key, and therefore I have no real grasp upon whether he's fighting me to dissolve or remove his huge child support (and spousal maintenance) debt to me, or whether, as he has threatened, he is trying to take legal control of the boys away from me.
I held it together for most of the appointment. There were a couple of times when I cried, usually from horrendous memories (I was referring to diary notes), and only once from frustration.
The case worker was pretty good. He is a timid young guy.... probably regretting his career choice.... who expressed great concern about some of the events that I recounted to him.
I decided that to make the most of this process, I needed to be completely honest with him. Honest about past events as well as about my feelings about the inequity in this current process. Oh hell, I expressed my frustration with the whole bloody system! But I was rational about it. And kind. After all, it's not his fault.
The kindness of friends is SO important. My friend J insisted upon giving me a neutral place to unwind afterwards. A kindness which allowed me to process and rant in order to not take this crap home to my kids, and then on to my friend in hospital.
And then today I attended a mandatory seminar called "Kids in Focus", designed to alert newly separated parents to the dangers of not putting their childrens' needs first in the morass of pain that follows separation.
*grrrrrrrrr*
In our small group, there was a woman who had been separated for 2 months, and a few others who had been separated for everything from 1 to 5 years. I was the only one 10 years "out".
That poor poor poor woman. By the end of it, she actually said that she was thinking that she should stay in her AWFUL marriage in order to protect her daughters from the horrors that she now "knew" would follow. It was totally inappropriate for her to be a part of that group. I was sitting there in silent tears and fury, another woman was using it as a forum to unload 5 years of pent up frustration, and another was terrified of the controlling behaviour of her ex, who was also using the system to his advantage.
And, worse for me of all, were two men. Two men (and I am SO NOT ANTI-MEN) who agreed with every single thing spoken about.... as being awful things that their ex's did. Two men who were not introspective enough to take any responsibility for any of their actions prior to, during and after their separations.
In other words, two men who reminded me terrifyingly of DH.
And, in my humble opinion, they were agreeing because the seminar was designed to elicit emotion and guilt, which only worked upon the women present.
(Wolfie, you've done this seminar. Jump in and tell me what you thought, if you'd like)
I had to leave the room at one point, when one of the men insisted that the fact that he had reduced his child support from $245 a week to $65 a week (as per his new child support assessment) had nothing to do with his ex's new partner taking a higher level of involvement in the child's life. I've simplified this, obviously, but the relevant (and recurring) theme was that child support was not relevant to resentment and shared parenting relationships.
Am I blindly seeing a relationship that isn't there?
I was SO upset and incensed at the end that I walked the city streets trying to calm down and shake myself of my upset before I moved on to the rest of my day.
And, again, J stepped in. She picked me up and gave me time to vent and cry and talk before facing my kids. Priceless.
And I did. I went home, hung with my peeps, went to visit my friend at the hospital (I was really concerned about walking in there stressed and upset) and came home to relax.
And then (is anyone counting the number of paragraphs beginning with "and" here?) I received a telephone call from my case worker.
Telling me that, because of the things that I had told him, he was legally obligated to inform DOCS (Department of Community Services) about DH as his behaviour has constituted child abuse.
Holy (insert appropriate expletive here)!
This is a step that I didn't predict.
He told me that he strongly recommended that I telephone them as well to lodge my own complaint (in order, I suppose, to prevent accusations of neglect upon my self) but I am not going to do that. Whenever there has been unsafe behaviour from DH, I have consulted a child and family psychiatrist, and on one occasion I took them to a child and family psychologist in order to ensure that they were coping and secure. They were said to be coping well, BECAUSE of my strong, loving and constant presence.
I do not think that I have ignored or underestimated DH's actions. I have just never had anyone take them this seriously before.
I have warned DH. I did this because he is having the boys to stay next week, and I know that if he received a telephone call from DOCS during that time, he will be FURIOUS and will, at the least, take it out on the boys. He told me that "That's okay. I'll deal with DOCS." in his frustratingly cocky manner. (That man honestly believes that he can charm a statue.)
So.....
... unless DH can charm the DOCS social worker (not an outlandish thought.... he charmed one of our Child Support case workers once) this will work in favour of the best interests of the boys AT LEAST because it will insure that he won't get legal responsibility for them. But....... it could also irreparably damage their future relationship with him.
I know I keep ranting on about how important that is, but that's just how I am. I'm not happy with this escalation, but I'm not falling apart about it either. I'm just fastening my seat belt and preparing for the bumpy ride ahead.
On a lighter note, "she" is feeling a bit better. Nowhere near "going-home" better, but a little bit better than the last couple of days. Which fills my heart with relief and gladness.
Thanks to all friends who are calling and caring. I can't talk a whole lot about it because I get emotional and then need time to "pull myself together" for my boys. I guess that's why I'm putting it all out here.
Talk about blog as therapy!
I had my first appointment on Monday. I spent 1.75 hours talking to our case worker about my situation, and about the history of my relationship with DH, and his with the boys, since our separation.
That's 10 years of gunk. Held-in, honest, embarrassing gunk. It was horrendous.
The case worker "can't" tell me what DH wants from this mediation (and ultimate court) process. DH's confidentiality is key, and therefore I have no real grasp upon whether he's fighting me to dissolve or remove his huge child support (and spousal maintenance) debt to me, or whether, as he has threatened, he is trying to take legal control of the boys away from me.
I held it together for most of the appointment. There were a couple of times when I cried, usually from horrendous memories (I was referring to diary notes), and only once from frustration.
The case worker was pretty good. He is a timid young guy.... probably regretting his career choice.... who expressed great concern about some of the events that I recounted to him.
I decided that to make the most of this process, I needed to be completely honest with him. Honest about past events as well as about my feelings about the inequity in this current process. Oh hell, I expressed my frustration with the whole bloody system! But I was rational about it. And kind. After all, it's not his fault.
The kindness of friends is SO important. My friend J insisted upon giving me a neutral place to unwind afterwards. A kindness which allowed me to process and rant in order to not take this crap home to my kids, and then on to my friend in hospital.
And then today I attended a mandatory seminar called "Kids in Focus", designed to alert newly separated parents to the dangers of not putting their childrens' needs first in the morass of pain that follows separation.
*grrrrrrrrr*
In our small group, there was a woman who had been separated for 2 months, and a few others who had been separated for everything from 1 to 5 years. I was the only one 10 years "out".
That poor poor poor woman. By the end of it, she actually said that she was thinking that she should stay in her AWFUL marriage in order to protect her daughters from the horrors that she now "knew" would follow. It was totally inappropriate for her to be a part of that group. I was sitting there in silent tears and fury, another woman was using it as a forum to unload 5 years of pent up frustration, and another was terrified of the controlling behaviour of her ex, who was also using the system to his advantage.
And, worse for me of all, were two men. Two men (and I am SO NOT ANTI-MEN) who agreed with every single thing spoken about.... as being awful things that their ex's did. Two men who were not introspective enough to take any responsibility for any of their actions prior to, during and after their separations.
In other words, two men who reminded me terrifyingly of DH.
And, in my humble opinion, they were agreeing because the seminar was designed to elicit emotion and guilt, which only worked upon the women present.
(Wolfie, you've done this seminar. Jump in and tell me what you thought, if you'd like)
I had to leave the room at one point, when one of the men insisted that the fact that he had reduced his child support from $245 a week to $65 a week (as per his new child support assessment) had nothing to do with his ex's new partner taking a higher level of involvement in the child's life. I've simplified this, obviously, but the relevant (and recurring) theme was that child support was not relevant to resentment and shared parenting relationships.
Am I blindly seeing a relationship that isn't there?
I was SO upset and incensed at the end that I walked the city streets trying to calm down and shake myself of my upset before I moved on to the rest of my day.
And, again, J stepped in. She picked me up and gave me time to vent and cry and talk before facing my kids. Priceless.
And I did. I went home, hung with my peeps, went to visit my friend at the hospital (I was really concerned about walking in there stressed and upset) and came home to relax.
And then (is anyone counting the number of paragraphs beginning with "and" here?) I received a telephone call from my case worker.
Telling me that, because of the things that I had told him, he was legally obligated to inform DOCS (Department of Community Services) about DH as his behaviour has constituted child abuse.
Holy (insert appropriate expletive here)!
This is a step that I didn't predict.
He told me that he strongly recommended that I telephone them as well to lodge my own complaint (in order, I suppose, to prevent accusations of neglect upon my self) but I am not going to do that. Whenever there has been unsafe behaviour from DH, I have consulted a child and family psychiatrist, and on one occasion I took them to a child and family psychologist in order to ensure that they were coping and secure. They were said to be coping well, BECAUSE of my strong, loving and constant presence.
I do not think that I have ignored or underestimated DH's actions. I have just never had anyone take them this seriously before.
I have warned DH. I did this because he is having the boys to stay next week, and I know that if he received a telephone call from DOCS during that time, he will be FURIOUS and will, at the least, take it out on the boys. He told me that "That's okay. I'll deal with DOCS." in his frustratingly cocky manner. (That man honestly believes that he can charm a statue.)
So.....
... unless DH can charm the DOCS social worker (not an outlandish thought.... he charmed one of our Child Support case workers once) this will work in favour of the best interests of the boys AT LEAST because it will insure that he won't get legal responsibility for them. But....... it could also irreparably damage their future relationship with him.
I know I keep ranting on about how important that is, but that's just how I am. I'm not happy with this escalation, but I'm not falling apart about it either. I'm just fastening my seat belt and preparing for the bumpy ride ahead.
On a lighter note, "she" is feeling a bit better. Nowhere near "going-home" better, but a little bit better than the last couple of days. Which fills my heart with relief and gladness.
Thanks to all friends who are calling and caring. I can't talk a whole lot about it because I get emotional and then need time to "pull myself together" for my boys. I guess that's why I'm putting it all out here.
Talk about blog as therapy!
Wednesday, October 1, 2008
A Disney too much....
Today was a telling day.
Toto, Boo and I went to a local cinema complex to see the latest Disney sensation, Wall-E. There were 20 of us.... 5 mums and 15 kidlets..... and the joy I received from being around these wonderful friends was inexplicable....
... and in direct contrast to the agony that I felt during the film. I simply lost it. The emotional roller coaster of this G rated childrens' film completely overwhelmed me.
At one stage, fighting back tears and feeling unbearably emotional, I told my boys that I needed to go out to the foyer to wait for them there.
Boo: "I'll look after you Mummy. Just lean against me. Squeeze my hand if you need to."
Toto: "If you need to leave, I'll come with you."
Bless.
And so I stayed. And I squeezed Boo's hand. Lots.
After the film we all had lunch, and then I had a panic attack on the way to the car (as you do).
Sheesh. Talk about living life on the edge. I'm a very strong woman (seriously!) and today showed me that I'm close to my breaking point. And so I'm going to seriously look after myself.
Thank you to my darling Dutch (and one Belgian!) blogging friends for today. Despite all, I am glad that we went. Next time let's go to a park and hang out on the swingset. (And thank you Eveline for crying too.)
Toto, Boo and I went to a local cinema complex to see the latest Disney sensation, Wall-E. There were 20 of us.... 5 mums and 15 kidlets..... and the joy I received from being around these wonderful friends was inexplicable....
... and in direct contrast to the agony that I felt during the film. I simply lost it. The emotional roller coaster of this G rated childrens' film completely overwhelmed me.
At one stage, fighting back tears and feeling unbearably emotional, I told my boys that I needed to go out to the foyer to wait for them there.
Boo: "I'll look after you Mummy. Just lean against me. Squeeze my hand if you need to."
Toto: "If you need to leave, I'll come with you."
Bless.
And so I stayed. And I squeezed Boo's hand. Lots.
After the film we all had lunch, and then I had a panic attack on the way to the car (as you do).
Sheesh. Talk about living life on the edge. I'm a very strong woman (seriously!) and today showed me that I'm close to my breaking point. And so I'm going to seriously look after myself.
Thank you to my darling Dutch (and one Belgian!) blogging friends for today. Despite all, I am glad that we went. Next time let's go to a park and hang out on the swingset. (And thank you Eveline for crying too.)
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